Further Loneliness...Long-Distance Drunkard (NFL Notes-Week 8)

Quick Hits
--First to all the students who plan on coming to my home for Halloween I say,"That reminds me...get razorblades." See ya tomorrow.

--Fact is there may be no candy here anyway as I've already worked three-quarters of the way through the Snickers bag preparing this post. But don't worry 'bout my health as they weren't the Full, but rather the Fun Size Snickers. Which ironically is what I've always told my girlfriends over the years,"it's not small, it's Fun Size..."

--Sorry to hear professional curmudgeon Andy Rooney is doing poorly, but seriously did reporters need to sound so shocked when delivering this news. I mean the guy was a Cub Reporter at Dunkirk, has a nose like a relief map of Nepal and eyebrows that could frighten Ox Baker. Is it really surprising when he's rushed to the hospital? Toward the end Jerry Garcia weighed 400 pounds, ate a half gallon of Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream for breakfast and waddled down to Candlestick Park to Freebase alone yet upon his demise people kept asking me, "can you believe Jerry's gone." Hell, I couldn't believe he was still alive...but then we all grieve differently.

--If you work in an office and want some down time or just to screw with your boss open a Twitter account, type "joe buck douche bag" into the search and watch the server crash like Billy Joel on a three day bender. Couple this with Tim McCarver, a condescending, pompous ass so great he could make Joe Morgan look like a candidate for the Lady Byng Trophy and it's not hard to see why folks were not exactly watching the World Series in record numbers.

--And in one final WS note I believe Texas pitcher Derek Holland's moustache redefined "wispy" for a generation that never saw a young Martin Mull. When you can make Adam Morrison look like a cross between Stalin and the beret-wearing guy from MythBusters you may want to stand a little closer to the razor in the morning.

NFL NOTES
--Toward the end legendary Alabama coach Bear Bryant spent weekdays propped up in his coaching tower like he was auditioning for Weekend At Bernie's. And though he spoke with so many marbles in his mouth it was like trying to decipher the lyrics bridge from "Aqualung" while wearing ear buds cranking out "Come On Eileen" (you snatched a listerine lobster roll with dizzy diaper downs?) he still delivered the occasional coaching wisdom.
    One of my favorites is when asked what made Penn State's Joe Paterno a great coach the Bear responded, "cause he can take his'n and beat your'n and then he'll take your'n and beat his'n". And while speech teachers and diction coaches take a second to recover I'll point out that given "his'n", "your'n" or the "1974 Miami Dolphins'n" it appears Chargers HC Norv Turner would have trouble winning on a consistent basis.
    From a classiness perspective Jets HC Rex Ryan spoke out of school last week when he said he would've won a couple of Championships if he had San Diego's talent, but from a facts of the matter perspective there was more than a little truth in his conceited ramblings. From 1994 to 2000 Turner produced only one playoff team as coach of the Redskins, but could take solace in the fact that being saddled with Gus Frerotte as his QB throughout much of that run was somewhat of a built-in excuse. In San Diego Phillip Rivers has been present through Turner's entire tenure and while he may be a shade behind Tom Brady and Peyton Manning in a decade where Jake Delhomme, Kerry Collins and Trent Dilfer have led Super Bowl teams that's a pretty good hand to be dealt. And then last year Norvell (I'm guessing) pulled off the greatest magic trick since David Copperfield got Claudia Schiffer to marry him by having his Chargers finish #1 in the NFL in both Offense and Defense (based on yards gained/yards allowed) and still miss the playoffs.
    Last week's 13 penalty, 2 turnover, 17-0 second half collapse effort doesn't make it appear that Turner has turned the corner as a coach and that's too bad as injuries to Jason Campbell and Jamaal Charles plus the general mediocrity in the AFC West leave the window of opportunity open once again. They say those who can do, those who can't teach and those who can't teach teach gym. In football those who can coach, those who can't coordinate and those who can't coordinate do color. If things don't take a better turn in Southern California soon Norv may be headed to the booth one way or another come 2012.

Have I even mentioned the Redskins in this post? Well if for no other reason I should have...

--It's said football is a game of adjustments and so is handicapping football. Just like the "Great Goatee Fire" of 1990 taught me that you have to light and blow out the match before making a Jefferson Airplane a missed play on Atlanta last week taught me that you can't become too wedded to a particular theory. That theory, formulated going into the year, was that the Falcons over-achieved by winning 13 games last year and as a speed oriented Dome team were particularly vunerable on the road this year. All went well early as the Dirty Birds were 1-2 SU and 0-3 ATS in their first 3 road tilts at Chi./T.B./Sea. So when they traveled to an overrated Detroit last week it looked like a classic no play game. What I forgot to take into account is that the Lions, of course, are a Dome team. So while Matt Ryan has a 94 QB Rate at Home against 79 on the Road if you pull out his record in Away Dome games you find that his Rate and TD/Int.% is almost identical to what it is at home. Atlanta was at no disadvantage at the Ford Field Dome and subsequently produced an outright win as as a Dog. They go to another Dome next week in Indy then get 3 straight at home before they could sail in vastly overrated to games at Houston and Carolina to kick off December. Stay liquid for a possible investment.

--Like a Ron Paul campaign stop or another season of Futurama no one seemed to care about the monumental blunder perpetrated by Tony Sparano last week. Amidst all the media genuflecting over what was mostly a poor Tim Tebow effort everyone ignored the fact that 6 seconds into the 4th quarter with many possessions left for both sides Sparano chose to go for two with his team up 12-0 rather than kick the extra point and make it a 13-0 game.
    So now I'm going to give you two words that should be on every announcer's lips when a coach decides to go for two..."TIME SENSITIVE"! The decision to go or not go for two should take into account how many possessions are remaining in the game (NOTE: It should also be "Personnel Sensitive" and "Opponent Sensitive", but for the sake of brevity and carpel tunnel syndrome we'll stick with Time only).
    In general teams average about 3.5 possessions per quarter. Since Denver was getting the ball first and just to be safe that meant they had at least 4 possessions left. This gave them a myriad of ways to reach 12-14 points so the idea is to make it as tough on them as possible. 13 is more beneficial than 12 and add a possible FG in one Miami's upcoming drives (they had produced points on 3 of their last 6) and 16 forces Denver to go for two twice just to tie. NFL teams are successful on 2-pt. conversions about 40% of the time. Obviously this is probably less for a bad, Matt Moore QBed team like Miami and not much better for Denver so put the onus on the Broncos to convert and take the easy points that are presented to you.
    OK, this has gotten as convoluted as the time I tried to teach my Special Ed. class how to score Roller Derby, but it's time to raise the discussion of when it's right and when it's wrong to go for two beyond what it says on "The Card".

Dolphins Cheerleader Lily Robbins apparently entering Greg Brady's attic bedroom.

--Fred's Pick (1-2-1) today is Tennessee -9 over Indy. For the Colts, like Melanie Griffiths plastic surgery has proven, it's almost impossible to look that bad without trying. Everyone saw their debacle in primetime Sunday night, but not as many may have noticed how thoroughly the Titans were garretted by a fading, Andre Johnson-less Houston last week. Arian Foster alone nearly doubled their yardage production and overall they were outgained 518-148. The bloom may be off the rose for Mike Munchak and Matt Hasselbeck in Nashville so were avoiding this one.
    Last week Fred pushed with Cleveland -3 vs. Seattle in a game with all the offensive punch of C. Montgomery Burns. The Seahawks produced 137 yards total offense, 2-12 third down conversions and were out-time of possessioned 42:28-17:32. But this is what happens when you let Barry Gibb be your QB.



--And finally our picks. We're 4-1-1 in our NFL selections the last two weeks so tread carefully as the dreaded regression may be lurking. Let's go Baltimore to make Kevin Kolb's life more miserable and take the Ravens -12.5. And in a wild stab Carolina-Minnesota Under 46.5. Emotionally immature and morally bankrupt...and this is one of my good days...I'm done!

How come I always get the Iranian guy with halitosis when I hail a cab?

We're on Facebook at "Bowling Til' It Hurts" and Twitter @sprtcom102. Outside of that, seriously, leave me alone.

The Lonliness Of The Long Distance Drunkard

    To say I hate everything and everyone would be an understatement...I hate things and people that haven't even been invented/born yet. Case in point the "Drug Awareness Week" celebration which was sprung on us out of the blue last Friday and at first flush seemed completely superfluous. I mean considering our school is known throughout the county as "Heroin High" I assumed the kids were already "aware" of drugs (In a brief aside my High School growing up, Livingston HS, was known throughout its county as "Living-stein" due to such a preponderance of Jewish students that the first day of classes it was hard to tell if the teacher was reading from the Attendance Roll or reciting Schindler's List...but I digress).
    No, this fedrally sponsored waste, which apparently was not designed by the guy who posted a Marijuana Leaf sign in my college dorm lobby that read "This Is A School-Free Drug Zone", is intended to alert kids to the evils of drugs and how to avoid them. It began Monday with "Backwards Day" where students and faculty were encouraged to wear their clothes backwards as an incentive to "Turn Your Back On Drugs". First off I assumed the reverse clothes idea had been put to rest with the demise of the pre-pubescent rappers KrissKross ("Jump") and second I can say from experience that turning your back on drugs is not the "wiggity-wiggity-whack" way to have them administered; or as the late comic Buddy Hackett said after being violated with the dreaded Barium Enema, "they shoved so much chalky stuff up my ass the first time I farted I shot a white line to Pittsburgh."
    This was followed by "Shade Yourself From Drugs" day where faculty members were told to wear sunglasses to school which ironically made us, strolling into work at 7 A.M., appear as if we just stumbled out of Spicoli's van after a night at a Phish concert. Wednesday was old school "Say No To Drugs" day, a program even my mother was against in the '80s preferring instead "Say No, Thank You To Drugs" as she felt there's no reason not to be polite. And as for the rest of the week I'm not really sure since I chose to remain blissfully above the fray courtesy of Percoset, the adult/urine test passing answer to that 4:20 itch.
   Here's football...

CFB Notes
--Trying to stay atop the current conference hopping craze is like trying to keep up with the third Stooge (Curly? Shemp? Joe Besser? Curly Joe?) or determine what band Paul Rodgers is singing for (is it Free, Bad Company, The Firm, Queen...). Frankly who gives a crap until the dust settles and besides if it's big time College sports then we know it's all about one thing...the Money.
    This all began once the Big 12 and SEC expanded and started raking in the bucks on a primetime, nationally televised Conference Championship game. Soon the race was on with the ACC expanding to the required 12 teams and even Conference USA and the MAC getting in on the act. This year the conference formerly known as the Big 10 and the Pac 12 cannonballed into the money pool with the latter reaching the requisite 12 by taking home Utah and even God-awful Colorado just before closing time in the football equivalent of Elton John-sized Beer Goggles.
    The saddest case of all, however, is the Big East. As if sending Conneticut to the Fiesta Bowl last year to get hammered by Oklahoma wasn't bad enough for this red headed step-child of the Big 6 conferences it's now been announced that one of the BE's 2 ranked teams, (25) West Virginia, is headed to the Big 12. A move that has left the rest of the conference more lost than members of No Doubt when Gwen Stefani went solo (hey an actual music reference from the past two decades, who said we weren't topical). On the bright side though Louisville is staying and Big East officials have announced they are courting Army and Navy as part of their new look re-alignment; or in other words "Thanks for coming to the party Big East, this is Sidney, Jugdish, Mohammed...oh, you met already...Super!"

Really? They're the Ducks? Because I'm seeing Beaver here!?!

--With the losses by Oklahoma and Wisconsin last week 7-0 Kansas State has vaulted to #8 in the nation and would seem to have a stranglehold on at least winding up in the Big 12 Championship Game come December. But folks in the "other" Manhattan are taking things a step further believing their Cinderella squad is the right size to where the glass slipper all the way to the Big BCS Ball. Considering they slid by Eastern Kentucky 10-7, their biggest win is a one point squeaker at home over defensively deficient Baylor and their QB Collin Klein averages a mere 133 ypg thru the air we're not sold. In fact let us be the first to say that you'll find us in a bus depot bathroom with a dozen c*cks in our ass like the fantail of a peacock before you see the Wildcats sweep their next 4 (against Oklahoma, Oklahoma St., Texas A&M and Texas) plus the Conference Championship and BCS title game and take the National championship. Alright maybe we're the only ones who would say it quite that way, but hopefully our point is taken. KSU has over-achieved courtesy of a mediocre schedule and a +5 in close wins (games decided by 7 points or less) a stat that our NFL posts has proven is a tell-tale sign of a lucky squad.
    Question is does Oklahoma's loss to Texas Tech last week help or hurt when looking at this from a pointspread perspective. Will the Sooners be flat after having their perfect season spoiled? Does Bob Stoops rally his troops after a loss? Is there really dissension and finger pointing, as reported, in the Okie lockerroom? Our research this week has been inconclusive, not to mention incoherent. However, we do know that Oklahoma is the more talented team, that they can go vertical on offense and are much better defending the run than the pass which plays well against a mostly grounded Kansas State attack. The number is at Oklahoma -13.5 which, considering the game is in Manhattan, would appear to be a KSU trap for the squares similiar to the Washington +21 trap we analyzed last week. Picks are below, but this just might be the week that something gives in this whole crazy Stanford/Clemson/Kansas State pointspread/outright winning streak.

--As a grade schooler in the '70's/'80s the only thing that provided as many hours of Study Hall fun as a triangular paper football was the original 1500 page, pulp edition of The Guiness Book of World Records. Even if pithy, British humor like the caption under the picture of the 8-foot something World's Tallest Man standing next to his 5'11'' father that read "David is the one wearing the glasses" was lost on us there were still plenty of freaks to enjoy. Everyone's favorite was the overall wearing World's Fattest Man Robert Earl Hughes who weighed 1100 pounds and, we were told for some reason, had to be buried in a piano case. Years later Jerry Seinfeld did a bit where he recalled staring at Mr. Hughes' picture and thinking "this guy could lose 400 pounds and he'd still weigh 700 pounds...whaddya say if you're his friend 'hey Bob lost weight? You look like a rail!'"
    In other words it's possible for things to get so bad that it's virtually impossible, no matter the Herculean effort exerted, to turn them around. One example that springs to mind in College Football is the program at Eastern Michigan. Sure people who go back far enough can point to Kansas State and Northwestern as schools that rose from the seeming dead to be viable major conference programs, but the increased conference sharing revenue these schools received during the cable sports explosion of the past few decades helped fuel their rise and a more egalitarian major conference world overall. Toiling in the MAC EMU does not enjoy such an advantage.
    The Eagles had only one winning season in the last 21 (1995) and for the past 15 have not produced more than 4 wins in a season despite the schedule expanding to 12 games for more than half those years. Nonetheless they put lines on these games and while it's always a "back door" crap shoot to bet against such a team and lay 35-40 there are opportunities, if you can spy a turn around early enough, to cash in on these squads. Third year EMU coach Ron English my be leading just such a revival. His use of an approach employed most recently by Greg Schiano at Rutgers in which you start from the ground up by upgrading facilities, strength and conditioning, speed and overall organization even at the cost of few losing seasons is finally starting to pay dividends. Eastern is 4-2 ATS this year including two outright wins as a double digit dog in their last two games. Today they're off, but keep an eye open as they get the victory-challenged trio of Ball State, Buffalo and Kent State following the bye.
**Also note North Texas under disgraced former Iowa State coach and noted wife beater Dan McCarney also falls into this category...5-3 ATS on the year.

It's never too early to start thinking about a #1 vs. #2 matchup...

--Picks: We always like a good coaching mismatch and none looks bigger today than Joe Paterno vs. Ron Zook. So how 'bout Penn State -5 to kick off things off. Then later a rejuvenated Arizona and QB Nick Foles despite the "streaker suspensions" +4 over Washington and despite our totals burning of last week on SMU were gonna get back on the proverbial horse with Tulsa/SMU over 58 (with a lean toward Tulsa -2.5 as well). You crazy kids enjoy the games, dammit!

Not going to fill the Sally Field role in The Flying Nun remake, but if they ever shoot The Floating Nun she's got a decent shot.

NFL tomorrow...Old school wrestling, Mets bashing, the Girls of ESPN with Erin Andrews and more throughout the site. Like Pesci and Dangerfield in Easy Money feel free to be a "browser".

That's Not Right...More From A Big Pants Family (NFL-Week 7)

    Sorry for the lateness of this post, but it was a rough night. Suffice it to say if an officer pulls you over in the wee hours of the morning for weaving it's not advisable to put on an Elmer Fudd voice and declare, "of couwse I was weaving da baw's cwosed." Where has this country's sense of humor gone?

    In other news...Miss Iceland 1974 Catherine Greig received her $2M reward this week for supplying the FBI with information that led to the capture of fugitive Whitey Bulger who, I believe, was either a mob boss or Ireland's #1 Porn Star, I'm not sure which...Also in California the state has revoked funding to a Suicide Hotline that is thought to have ties to Al Qaeda though for my money it sounds like a case of just matching people with a need...And finally goodbye to the Dictator of Many Spellings, Moammar K/Kh/C/Qaddafi. Now as soon as the markets open Monday someone remind me to sell my Jheri Curl stock.

NFL NOTES
--To some extent I guess I'm a child of the '80s. I still roll up the sleeves on my sportcoat, wonder when they're going to remake Jake and the Fat Man and scream out like the old man in the Thomas Dolby video every time I hear the word "Science" which working in a High School is, sadly, a lot. One thing, however, I did overcome is my Buddy Ryan/1986 Bears obsession with the non-stop, all out blitz. In fact I can pinpoint the exact moment it died as coming during a 76 yard bootleg TD run in 1995 against Ryan's Arizona Cardinals by Chiefs QB Steve Bono that is so slow that if you get lined up properly with the horizon you can time it with a Chronometer (see here http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-7636492405319981257#).
    Today's complex offenses with their speed, motion, cut back plays and misdirection require a DC to take a more comprehensive approach to play calling that utilizes a variety of packages. Still one thing was abundantly clear as I watched the Giants-Bills game last week and that is in 3rd and medium to short yardage you have to rush more than three.
    Last week Chan Gailey's clearly overmatched group nearly stole a victory from New York at The Meadowlands by virtue of two big plays and a dink-and-dunk offense that could make Chad Pennington seem like Darryl Lamonica. In the aforementioned 3rd down situations the Giants continually rushed 3 perhaps wary of giving up another 66 yard catch and run as they had in in the first quarter only to see Bills' receivers settle into vast open pockets just beyond the markers for easy pitch-and-catch first downs. Putting 8 in coverage and still having receivers be wide open is kinda like the Steve Miller Band hibernating in the studio for 6 years only to release Abracadabra...what's the point. May as well send another rusher or two in hopes of hurrying the throw, getting a sack or a batted ball.
   Or in other words the days of the "Blitz 'em all and let God sort 'em out" D is gone, but for the love of God don't go back to the Tom Bass (S.D.)-Rod Rust (Den.) days of all out "Read and React." Thanks.

People say this site is all about the boobs...This should show 'em...

--Speaking of the Bills see the Michigan/Rutgers/Georgia Tech analysis section of yesterday's CFB post for difficulties encountered by teams that can't stretch the field. HC Gailey has done a magnificent job with the Buffalo offense, but while Ryan Fitzpatrick is a solid game manager his arm has all the strength of last night's Chow Fun. If it weren't for R-Fitz underthrowing two deep open receivers resulting in turnovers the Bills could be 5-1 right now. We like them versus the Miamis and Denvers of the world, but games against the Jets, Dallas and New England on the road could be Go Against situations as they're inability to stretch the field leaves them vunerable to better D's and schemes.

--In a quick note we just got "followed" on Twitter by our first actual NFL player, Green Bay Defensive End Lawrence Guy whose goes under the handle @THATGUY which I thought was reserved for Marlo Thomas's brother...but whatever...

--Fred's Picks are 1-2 as New Orleans went down at Tampa Bay last week. I personally maintain Tampa as a Go Against squad, but laid off last week as Dome teams often struggle outdoors on grass. The better play may be in two weeks when the Bucs travel to the Big Easy off a bye. As for today Fred likes Cleveland -3 over Seattle. Personally I have no feeling on this play (though my Charlie Whitehurst bashing of last week might indicate otherwise) mostly because Colt McCoy doesn't inspire much confidence in me. The happy, smiling, mop-topped, Dennis The Menace that looks out from his CBS Fantasy Sports bio reminds us of the skinny, nerdy looking lead actor in the TV show Burn Notice who is supposed to be chasing down mustachioed drug dealers and thug-like terrorists. I often ponder how such innocent, innocuous looking people could succeed in such cutthroat, macho worlds until I come to the realization that I'm actually considering picking up the Browns QB or watching more that 5 seconds of Burn Notice and I quickly move on. Wager at your own risk.

--One thing we've noticed in our gimlet-eyed view of human nature is that people "Wanna Believe". In fact it's almost as if they're saying "You Gotta Believe" until I get to feeling like it's me, the corpse of Upton Sinclair and 6.9 billion Tug McGraws in the world. Thus I feel it my obligation to nihilistically point out squads that may have gotten a false bump in the public eye from wins last week.
    Today we see a misleading trio in Chicago, the Jets and Philadelphia. As for the Bears beating the Vikings at home, no matter how bad, proves little. They say age doesn't matter these days, that 50 is the new 40, 40 the new 30, 10 the new embryo...um, I'm guessing on that last one...but frankly Donovan McNabb looked about 105 last Sunday Night. Throw in that Da Bears are only two weeks removed from a loss to Detroit in which the O-Line suffered more false starts than an ADHD 100 meter dash and this is not a club that has gotten over the proverbial hump. Similiarly the Jets were presented last week with a home game against a QB, Matt Moore, who were it not for injuries and the likes of Jake Delhomme would still be pulling clipboard splinters out of his hand every Sunday night...or in other words welcome to Miami Andrew Luck. And finally Philly nearly blew a 20 point lead due to Red Zone difficulties and turnovers until John Beck stepped out of his role as Moonpie in Rollerball (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0065183/) to QB the Redskins and save the day. The Eagles are off this week and the Bears get Tampa, but keep an eye on the Chargers as a play against the Jets...now for some picks.

Deaf Chargers cheerleader Melissa Adams. You know I notice a lot of hot women with implants aren't able to hear me. Researchers should look into that.

--Mark Twain said, "all a man needs to succeed is ignorance and confidence." We have plenty of the former, but little of the latter and the latter seems to be what's necessary in the world of wagering. Therefore it seems week in and week out our various analyses are good, but when it comes time to putting that into selections we fall to pieces, follow the public and back the Eagles. Today we'll just go with our gut and try Denver -1.5 over Miami, the Chargers in a pick over NYJ and finally Dallas to finally right the ship vs. the "I Didn't Know He Was Still In The League" A.J. Feeley-led Rams at -14. Recreational purposes...not intended to induce...don't touch Baby's college fund...and like disclaimers apply.

Alright so maybe it's a little bit about the boobs...

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Notes From A Big Pants Family (CFB Stuff)

   It's one of the many sad kicks in the crotch of my job to note that gorgeous, but obviously unattainable, 16 and 17 year old girls find me witty, sweet and intelligent. Attractive, age-appropriate women...not so much. Thus it was that I was asked this week if my classroom could be used for a meeting of the Senior Class Prom Planning Committee.
    Of course, the Prom is a full 7 and a half months away, but since scrapbooking, photoshop and digital photography have turned every parent into Martha Stewart meets Ansel Adams on crack, joy and spontaneity must be hung until dead at the tree of cold, calculated perfection.
    The only thing I remember about my own Senior Prom, aside from drinking a twelve pack in the woods and puking into a White Castle garbage can with the rest of the dateless "Grunge before there was Grunge" crowd, was the raging debate over the theme song. In those Classic Rock days this came down to a schoolwide vote between "Wonderful Tonight" by Eric Clapton and Joe Cocker's "You Are So Beautiful To Me" which for my money are two of the three nastiest songs ever written (Wonderful tonight? What was I yesterday?; Beautiful to you? What about the rest of the world?). So knowing I had about has much chance of attending this soiree as Hank Williams, Jr. does Al Franken's Sukkot I decided to write-in the absolute meannest song ever written..."I've Grown Accustomed To Your Face".
    And somewhere my former female classmates are blissfully unaware of the bullet they dodged.

--School Voting Postscript: I also take credit for leading the Senior "Liquid Lunch" Bunch in an attempt to get one-eyed "Looney" Lenny Morales into the Yearbook "Best Of" section by whiting out the "s" on the ballot thereby voting him "Nicest Eye_". Good times!

CFB NOTES
--Brevity is nice. I for one have a crockpot sitting dustily unused atop my refrigerator because as a single, childless, oft-inebriated male it's hard to envision what the future will hold even 10-12 hours in advance. Thus everytime I think about making that stew I immediately picture EMTs zipping my bloated corpse into a bodybag just as the baby carrots and pearl onions are simmering to perfection. That's why I'm a microwave guy where you can cook anything in an unbelievable fraction of the time with the exception of Minute Rice which no matter how fast you put it in and pull it out always winds up burnt. I bring this up because one exception to this rule is the sound bite-style of announcing popularized by John Madden that still has a foothold today. And my biggest complaint with these Madden-isms is one dusted off last week by ESPN Analyst Chris Spielman, namely, "don't throw a 3rd down pass short of the first down marker." Like any of these mini morsels there's a kernel of truth in there. You shouldn't throw short of the marker to a player who's running a stop-route or at the sidelines. However, you can throw, and often get a first down by throwing to, receivers running crossing patterns or misdirection plays like screens or shovel passes. So next time you hear this idiocy trotted out turn off the audio, do your own running commentary and maybe pop in a coupla Hot Pockets, it only takes two minutes for an entire meal.

--Because the FBS Division features 120 teams of wildly disparate talent it's easy for the polls to over-inflate a team with a soft schedule worse than Greenland on a wall map. The popular play in this vein today is Washington to hang with or possibly upset #7 Stanford. Indeed Stanford has not played a team yet with even close to a winning record and taking the 21 with the Huskies looks enticing. Still the Cardinal has crushed the squads they've faced handily and Washington's sked has featured only two decent teams, Nebraska whose inept offense hung 51 on them in Lincoln and Utah who lost their star QB to injury in the first half. Neither team has put up less than 30 in a game this season and while we know all about Andrew Luck U-Dub's Keith Price can also make big plays with both his arm and legs. If +21 looks like a trap to you then Over 63 may be the way to go in what looks to be a wild one and if Stanford does cover look for an even more inflated go against line in the coming weeks.

--One of our favorite analysts of all-time was legendary Arkansas coach Frank Broyles who worked for years alongside Keith Jackson at ABC. His best call in our opinion was the 1984 Sugar Bowl between #3 Auburn and #8 Michigan. Clearly overmatched by a talented Tiger team Bo Schembechler played every Wolverine defender within 3 yards of the line of scrimmage and dared Auburn HC Pat Dye, a man so conservative he makes Pat Buchanan look like an Occupy Wall Streeter, to pass. When Dye refused Broyles nearly burst the throbbing vein in his forehead while screaming through the marbles in his mouth, "pass, dammit, pass, Keith, why won't they pass?" Auburn eked out a 9-7 win that was so unimpressive that despite #1 Nebraska and #2 Texas being upset the Tigers were leapfrogged by Miami (FL) and gained no ground in the final polls. Twenty-seven years later the idea that one-dimensional teams can go only so far before their lack of balance is exposed is even more prevelant. Case in point is Michigan's loss to Michigan State last week and last night's fall of Rutgers to a mediocre Louisville club. These clubs beat up on weak sisters and defensively challenged opponents in their early games, but once faced with stout rush Ds on the road they withered. Neither club ran for 100 yards or better than 3.0 ypc and when their aerially-challenged QBs had to go vertical they produced less than 50% completions and a 2-4 ratio. Today Georgia Tech's option attack goes on the road to Miami (FL) a week after getting upset at Virginia in a game where their QB Tevin Washington was 2 of 8 for 24 yards and 2 INTs. The Hurricanes are playing better of late, though, their run defense was gashed by the pass deficient Ohio State for 174 yards earlier in the year. Our plays will be below, but this is worth a look at Miami (FL) -3 and a trend to follow in your "recreational" CFB prognosticating.

It's amazing any learning gets done at...oh does that say Arizona State?...never mind...

--Speaking of Michigan has anyone noticed that the turnaround there has coincided with not only the removal of Rich Rodrieguez as HC, but also that of the ultimate Coaching Hack's Hack DC Greg Robinson. Robinson's close ties to Pete Carroll from their days with the early '90s Jets have continually kept him employed as a DC in the pros or the upper levels of the NCAA despite not producing a decent defense since the late '90s in Denver. His 2003 D in K.C. did not get a single stop against Peyton Manning in the playoffs as the 13-3 Chiefs got bounced at home by the Colts despite putting up 31 points on offense. Last year the Wolverines D allowed over 450 yards per game and was gashed for 52 by what we now know was a very average Mississippi State team in their bowl game. Conversely this year under the competent Greg Mattison UM has shaved over 100 yards off their per game average and is all but assured of producing a better record than in either of Robinson's years in Ann Arbor.
   But even more inexplicable is how Syracuse allowed themselves to be be suckered into hiring G-Rob as their HC in 2005. Again the Pete Carroll connection came through as he persuaded 'Cuse AD and USC grad Darryl Gross into hiring his buddy. The Orange went 10-37 in 4 years under Robinson only to begin a remarkable resurgence under current HC Doug Marrone which culminated last night with their rout of #11 West Virginia at the Carrier Dome. Alas it appears Robinson's record of futility has forced him out the game at least for 2011, but keep an eye open for pointspread plays should the ol' boy network spit him out into a job of prominence in the future.

This post is running late, so here's one that really requires no reasoning or caption...

--On to the plays. The BCS rankings came out this past week and #1 according the computer rankings is Oklahoma State. Their ranking of #6 in the Harris and Coaches polls drops them to #4 overall, but something feels like they may have peaked. Today they go to Missouri, a generally tough place to play, and face a Tiger squad that stumbled early, but seems to have righted the ship with a good effort at Oklahoma and 52-17 rout of Iowa State last week. We'll try Mizzou +7 and how 'bout a pair of Overs since we get tired of whirling our arm in a circle like a referee indicating the clock should keep running when trying to root for the Under. So let's say the aforementioned Washington/Stanford Over 63.5 and SMU/Southern Miss Over 60. As always these selections are for the proverbial "sh*ts and giggles" and not an enticement to contact your "friends" in say the Netherland's Antilles. Enjoy the games!

Live (Again)...Newbomb Turk Memorial Library (NFL Notes-Week 6)

    This week in the ongoing Dress Code debate at our High School the administration took exception with girls' shorts that feature mildly suggestive phrases across the backside like "Juicy" or "Hot Stuff" which I find unfortunate since I noticed I've been getting more reading done since that style trend took hold.

    Secondly to the several students who called me out over last week's pic of WCW valet Major Gunns because the name "Tylene Buck" was printed in the corner I say...seriously, did you think her mother named her "Major Gunns"? Federal education standards my ass...there are definitely Some Children (that should be) Left Behind.

NFL Notes
--When the current Mrs. Kris Humphries was working her way through the "Entertainers/Athletes" section of Who's Who of the NAACP in the wake of Hurricane Katrina a joke circulated that "Kim Kardashian had screwed more black men than FEMA."
    Now I have no idea how the suffering of the people of New Orleans could've been better alleviated, but I certainly would've started by not naming my Arabian horse-loving, drinking buddy head of an agency charged with attending to the victims of major natural disasters. Similiarly if I were an NFL coach I wouldn't let my 13 year Offensive Line coach talk his way into becoming my Defensive Coordinator, but that's exactly what Eagles HC Andy Reid did this offseason.
    Last week we mentioned Nnandi Asomugha's signing in relation to Philly's defensive collapse this year, but his lack of impact is just a symptom. The real germ at the heart of this disease has to be DC Juan Castillo. In the constantly shifting and aggresively mobile world of NFL assistant coaching staying an OL coach in one place for 13 years often doesn't so much indicate success as much as the fact that your banging your head against a glass ceiling like you were appearing in a Quiet Riot video filmed at the pyramid in front of The Louvre. So far this year the Eagles rank #26 in points allowed, 30 in passing TDs allowed, 30 in rush yards allowed and have forced a meager 5 turnovers. They now need to go 9-2 the rest of the way to finish 10-6 which is still no guarantee of reaching the playoffs and may be down to only two healthy offensive tackles suiting up today. So the heat is on the coaching staff in Philadelphia as they travel to Washington, but in Juan Castillo's favor if somebody has to take a bullet for you it's nice to have Andy Reid to stand behind.

This shot looks more like the "Bears" than the Eagles...not that there's anything wrong with it.

--If you're holding Peyton Manning on your Fantasy roster in the hopes he'll return this year give up the ghost, guy. When Colts owner Jim Irsay announced this week that he believes Manning will still suit up at some point this year it was obvious he may be more committed to the narcotically enhanced Beat Generation lifestyle than just paying $1M for the original scroll manuscript of Jack Kerouac's On The Road. Bringing back Manning prematurely on this 0-5 sinking ship is akin to the average, blue collar guy slapping a diamond ring on his wife after 5 kids and 30 years of marriage. Neither of you is going anywhere and it's time to accept the fact that "I'm fat, you're fat, I'll see ya around the kitchen" and save your assets for another day. See you in 2012 Peyton.

--The big news that isn't this week is that Tim Tebow is the new starter in Denver. It "isn't" news because Denver is on Bye, but many eyes will be focused on his performance at Miami next week. While we have mixed feelings about Tebow's chance for long-term success we do believe he should get a chance now rather than later.
    Looking at a slate of starting QBs this week that includes Curtis Painter, Matt Moore, Rex Grossman and Colt McCoy is like taking in the exotic dancers at a Bayonne (NJ) strip club-you quickly become aware that there's just not enough hot ones to meet the demand. Now Tebow is no NFL passer right now, but who cares. Listening to Terry Bradshaw is often like trying to decipher the dialogue in an episode of Hillbilly Handfishing, but he does know QB technique and feels that over time Timmy T's elongated throwing motion can be corrected enough to make him a vertical threat. Until then we hope the Broncos staff let's him do what he does best which is improvise and run (injury threat be damned).
    Sadly, however, we still have night sweats over our first round selection of Kordell Stewart at our Fantasy Draft in 1998. The year prior K-Stew ran for 11 TDs, threw for 21 and led the Steelers to a 13-3 record. The next he was asked to be something he wasn't, more of a pocket passer, and while he ran only slightly fewer times than the year before it was mostly in desperation as his rush TDs dropped to 2, his pass TDs to 11 and I ended with Tony Banks under center in a season that was no Fantasy.
    HC John Fox is a safe distance from Bill Walsh, but here's hoping more creative minds prevail and Tebow's put in the best position to succeed based on his current array of talents because like a pregnant go-go dancer Brady Quinn is next up on the dance floor/depth chart.

Another Bronco fan swelling with pride over their young QB!

--Quick Hits...I once said of QB Charlie Whitehurst that he's "bad, not Sofia Coppola in The Godfather III bad, but more like Keanu Reeves in, well, anything bad". Next week he gets the start for the injured Tavaris Jackson in Seattle and the thought of betting opportunities abounds...After throwing 25 TD vs. 6 Ints. last year Josh Feeeman's ratio stands at 3-6 already in 2011. Which reminds us of no one so much as David Garrard who was a miraculous 18-3 on 335 attempts in 2007 only to throw fewer TDs and 13 and 10 Ints. respectively in 2009/10. Today he sits home while Matt Moore prepares to start Monday for Miami a comparison that may not bode well for the much ballyhooed Tampa Renaissance...When former Colt D-lineman Artie Donovan sacked Detroit QB Bobby Layne to open the second half of a game in the late 50's he was hit with the overpowering smell of alcohol. Donovan immediately assumed the hard-living Layne "musta been out all night drinkin'" to which Layne replied, "what makes you think I didn't have a few at halftime." Amen brother and now on to the picks.

--Once in the 80's Fred of "Fred's Picks" on these pages lost 14 straight NBA games to the bookie. When he called up the next night he was told there were no NBA games scheduled, but there were lines on the NHL. Fred demurred, however, explaining, "NHL? What the Hell do I know about hockey!?" I offer this as background before delivering his pick of the day which is New Orleans at -6.5 (Record: 1-1 to date). As for my selections last week we were suckered in worse than the people who buy into those ads on the right-hand side of every sport site that guarantee "Amazing Muscle Growth In Older Men" above a picture of some geezer's head photo shopped on to a 25 year-old juiceheads body when we took Philadelphia over Buffalo. Fool me once shame on me, fool me twice...ah screw it, Philly -3 over what I still say is an overrated Redskins team. Throw in Baltimore -7 (John Harbaugh 3-0 ATS off a bye) and the Giants bouncing back at -3 over Buffalo.

Finally another well-endowed British girl...I mean who's even noticing the bad teeth?

Please check out our advertisers at the top right and enjoy the games...Drunk at last, drunk at last, good God almighty I'm gettin' drunk at last.

Old school wrestling at "Crimson Mask" and "Seminal Sluts" titles, Erin Andrews at "Something In The Way She Says Gamecocks" and Lenny Dykstra at "Dumbest Guy In The Room"

Live From The Newbomb Turk Memorial Library (CFB Notes)

    For those who have been here before you know the drill. For all the newcomers welcome to the biggest waste of time since I spent that weekend watching an entire Wings marathon on USA Network...though it did take some of the sting outta Crystal Bernard's lawyer getting the Restraining Order bumped back to 50 feet...Anyway welcome all and enjoy our depraved, dipsomaniacal dementia before the Board of Ed. subpoenas my Hard Drive and more than this blog "goes away".

Crystal Bernard: Wings' answer to Gilligan's Island's Mary Ann and a stalker's Courtney Thorne-Smith backup plan.

CFB Notes
--In his first tour at Kansas State (1989-05) HC Bill Snyder was known for two things-turning around one of the worst programs in the NCAA and playing a non-conference schedule softer than the Placebo Control group in an Erectile Dysfunction trial. During that run the Wildcats would rise steadily in the polls through mid-November, twice reaching #2 in the nation, before being exposed late in the year. Most famously blowing a chance at the National Title tilt by losing to Texas A&M as a 14 point fave in the '98 Big 12 Championship game.
    So all this casts in doubt K-State's surprising 5-0 start and current #17 ranking. At first glance though one might think this isn't your father's KSU. Sure they opened with Eastern Kentucky and Kent State, but wins vs. Miami (FL), #15 Baylor and Missouri seem to solidify their Top 25 credentials, but digging a bit deeper even these wins aren't all they could be. They've been outgained in each effort, but have survived via +3 turnovers and an unsustainable 52% conversions on 3rd and 4th down combined. They also have an aerial attack that barely matches the Egyptians during the Six Day War throwing for an anemic 127 ypg. Today the Wildcats travel to Texas Tech and are +3.5 despite playing a squad that barely nipped a putrid Kansas club and allows 224 ypg on the ground. If they don't get tripped up here they'll likely be 7-0 heading into a 4 week run of Oklahoma, Oklahoma St., Texas A&M and Texas starting October 29. Wager as you see fit.

--I recently changed the occupation listing on my FaceBook profile to read "Gentlemen Farmer" which prompted a torrid of "WTF" (why the face?) messages from dismayed friends and family. To date it's unclear whether they take umbrage with me calling myself a "Farmer" or a "Gentlemen", but chances are it's a little from Column A and a little from Column B.
    Conversely when people made the idea of "Student-Athletes" on the Florida football program a running joke during Steve Spurrier's tenure in the '90's it was more than obvious which half of that monicker they took offense with. Add in the fact that UF once tried to trademark the phrase "World's Biggest Outdoor Cocktail Party" for their game with Georgia in order to cash in on the t-shirt revenue (and isn't that the choicest plum of them all) and that Spurrier himself when told a fire had destroyed over 10,000 books at the UGA Library commented, "that's too bad, I heard some of them weren't even colored yet" you get the idea that the relationship between football and scholastics was akin to that of Hannity to Colmes; or at least should've been written something like this, student-ATHLETES.
    So when people were shocked that Spurrier kicked QB Stephen Garcia off the Gamecock roster this week it seemed odd. Sure Garcia was suspended for the seemingly minor infraction of failing a test, a Sharia Law-like move that seems akin to getting the Death Penalty in Thailand for banging a 14 year-old...I mean, when in Rome...And I know Garcia had been booted 5 times previously, but as '80's MLB-er Steve "Slowhand" Howe can attest 6 offenses ain't necessarily the charm. No Garcia got canned because last week backup QB Connor Shaw stepped into the starter's role and delivered 311 yards and 4 TDs on the way to a 54-3 rout. This is how Dictatorship's work. You're survival is linked to your usefulness to the King...so goodbye Stephen Garcia we hardly knew Ye!

--And speaking of Dictators during his run as Reichs-Fuhrer of Germany Adolph Hitler presided over the domestic killing sprees "The Night of Long Knives" and "The Night of Broken Glass" which always led us to believe that the best way to survive a totalitarian regime was to not go out at night.
    Similiarly the best way to stay hired as a FBS Head Coach this year is to not be named "Mike". Less than two weeks after New Mexico canned Mike Locksley Arizona made Mike Stoops the second HC to be fired in season.
    Stoops, of course, is the brother of highly successful Oklahoma coach Bob Stoops, but apparently Jim and John Harbaugh they're not. Mike, the Jeremy to Bob's Jason Giambi, has hovered around .500 for his entire 41-50 tenure at U of A though he did turn in 3 straight minor bowl appearances over the last 3 years. Still whenever I see a family member of a great coach get a job it reminds me of the collosal injustice the cheapest man in football, Mike Brown, perpertrated on Cincinnati Bengals' fans in the '90's. With the faithful screaming for a big name coach to be hired after the departure of Sam Wyche in 1992 Brown gave the people what they wanted and hired Shula. Oh no not Don, but David Shula who as QBs coach in Dallas had been passed over 3 times for the Offensive Coordinator job by HC Jimmy Johnson. Oh yeah, Davey was no Goliath going 19-52 in 4 and a half seasons in Cinncy. So let this be a lesson if you're ever named an NFL GM or major college AD. You're not disecting peapods with Gregor Mendel here...or, in other words, coaching talent is not always in the genes.

Looks like OU you got the best in this set of twins as well...

--Finally some quick hits...Notre Dame scored 50 points last week for the first time since 2003. In fact since Lou Holtz left ND has topped the big 5-0 only twice and followed those efforts with non-covering performances vs. Navy (21-17 win) in '97 and Syracuse (38-12 loss) in '03. They're off this week and still haven't cracked the Top 25 so maybe the public isn't completely on the bandwagon yet, but as we mentioned last week keep an eye open for Go Against situations as the season progresses. One possibility: Nov. 5 at Wake Forest...Also last week we mentioned Tulsa being underrated due to a killer early sked. Today they get a bad UAB team with a coach, Frank Callaway, who has one foot on a banana peel and one foot in a radio color analyst job. The Golden Hurricane is laying 21 there...And finally Jerry Seinfeld has a bit where he says when he sees traffic that's completely stopped he wonders what's going to happen in the future. Are people actually going to be going backwards? Last week the Over on points scored by Vandy against Alabama was 3. They didn't cover which led me to wonder if the line could actually be negative when they faced LSU. Sadly they're not scheduled.

Too bad Vandy fans, a trip to Baton Rouge mighta been worth the drubbing. And as for the girl on the right, is it possible for a body to be so hot it's painful?

--Now for some picks. Last week we went 2-0 with West Virginia and the Rutgers/Pitt Under, but as the mutual fund people are always sure to tell us past success does not guarantee future results. Today let's try the aforementioned Tulsa at -21 and sticking with the C-USA how 'bout UTEP +1.5 over Tulane in what could be a shootout (the number's at 57). Good luck and enjoy the games.

--Please check in with our new advertiser's in the upper right if you want to keep this whole pile of bad puns and sexist snark alive. Also some of our friends are blogging away @ http://www.jaredssportsriff.com/ and http://www.tinymindgazette.com/. Check 'em out while I partake in a tankard of Milwaukee's Best by which, sadly, I don't mean one of America's finest domestic beers, but literally Milwaukee's Best...any port in a storm, I guess.

First Of The Day...D.H. Lawrence Returns (NFL-Week 5)

NFL-RANDOM THOUGHTS


--Word out of Dallas is that after last week's performance a distraught Tony Romo tried to throw himself in front of a bus...but he was intercepted. Actually we only kid cause we love (in other words the Lions were my Fantasy defense last week) and because when you make $10M and are banging this
well the blogosphere's snarky sarcasms bounce off you like rehab off Tom Sizemore. Keep gutting it out TR, if the 'Boys get healthy we may yet see a second half run.

--Some folks think we're doing a schtick here when we call these "drunken ramblings" and "semi-coherent streams of consciousness", but unfortunately we're not. Or to paraphrase George Costanza-these writings are not embellished because, sadly, they need no embellishment. They are just the pathetic story of my life as a crude, callow, oft-inebriated, immature man-child. Case in point is the fact that last week our original NFL post made mention of BTK look-a-like Brad Childress as Vikings HC. Of course Chilly was whacked halfway throurgh the 2010 season and replaced by current HC Leslie Frazier. I analyzed this mistake by creating a graph in which the X-axis represented Leslie Frazier's blandness and the Y-axis my state of buzzed-ness and found they met at "Who gives a F--K!" They'll be cleaning house and ushering in the...good God say it ain't so...Christian Ponder era in Minny by Week 8. And thanks to reader TomD for uncovering that faux pas your "Bowling Til' It Hurts" T-Shirt will be in the mail as soon as I fish it out of the bottom of my hamper.
Bind, Torture, Kill...ironically that seems to be what Childress did to Minnesota's fan base.

--On the surface parity is a real thing in the NFL with teams often going from "worst to first" in their divisions and making miraculous leaps forward or falls back in short order. Yet as we mentioned in previous posts sometimes you have to dig down deep to find out if a team's metamorphosis is real or a mirage. We've noted that unlike many others we are not that high on Tampa Bay this year. So far their 3-1 start has made us look less than prophetic, but again scratching below the surface we see their record may not be all it appears. Close games (those decided by 7 pts. or less) are a fact of life in the NFL and they are often won or lost not on merit, but rather a fluke turnover, bad call or some other stroke of luck. Last year one team, Atlanta, benefitted from +5 close wins and two teams, Cincinnati and Dallas, were -5 close losses. Betting on Cinncy/Dallas and against Atlanta this year has produced a 7-4-1 ATS record as luck or lack thereof balances out. Bringing this back to the Buccaneers their 3 wins this season have come by 4, 3 and 7 points respectively with the 4 and 7 point wins coming against winless Minnesota and Indianapolis. Today they are plus 2 at a well coached and surprising San Fran. The Niners have also benefitted from back-to-back close wins vs. Cinncy/Philly. We'll have our pick(s) below, but if Tampa isn't a go against this week you may want to consider it when they face New Orleans (twice) and Chicago over the next 4 weeks. Wow, an actual useful segment brought to you by coffee...the non-Irish variety!

Normally when your belt is bigger than your shorts it's cause you've beaten John Cena...not that were complaining.

--Once after failing to connect the ancient epic poet Homer to a quote from the Oddysey on a matching section of a test a student complained to me that he "had watched every episode of The Simpsons and could swear Homer never said that." I bring this up because no matter how much as an educator you think you're getting through to people there's always some idiot that brings you back to Earth. Last week's Dummy Du Jour was Ronnie Brown who attempted to throw a pass while being tackled by three 49ers at the goal line and ended up fumbling away a certain Eagles victory. If you missed it look here...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=QZjS121zEZM
    Which brings us to another Eagles point, that being why did the signing of Nanandi Asomugha suddenly make Philly everyone's preseason "Dream Team". In 8 years as a starter in Oakland Asomugha's presence never helped the Raiders finish better than 18th in total D and 6 of the 8 years they finished 23rd or worse. Maybe it wasn't Nnandi's fault, but it does point out that defense is a team game and one player alone can't completely turn things around. The bigger issue in Eagleville appears to be the untimely passing of former DC Jim Johnson, an agressive and imaginative defensive architecht. In the two years since his death Philly has gone from 4th to 19th and 21st respectively (23rd this year) in total D. Today they get the even more defensively challenged Bills at -3/53 in a game where it may be time to right the ship or face a hostile fan base and sports radio crowd in the City of (less than) Brotherly Love.

--And before our selections a RIP to the legendary Al Davis. Love him or hate him...and Raider fans often vascillated from one extreme to the other...he did dedicate his life to making the NFL the best it could be. It was folks like Davis and the late Wellington Mara who put their own interests aside to develop and allow ideas like the AFL/NFL merger and profit sharing that were designed to not only benefit themselves, but to raise all ships-owners, players and even fans alike. They're the reason the NFL is what it is...the greatest spectator sport in the world today. Goodbye to a Great One!
You know I never really saw Davis and Ed Grimley together...

--Last week our pick of St. Louis took it on the chin like a far-sighted prostitute performing fellatio. On the bright side yesterday's college selections were 2-0 so maybe things are heating up. Who knows, but for the heck of it we'll throw out Philly -3 and San Francisco -2.5 as our picks. Fantasy sleeper of the day and moving forward is Stevan Ridley of New England who runs hard and will benefit this week and possibly going forward from an injury to Danny Woodhead. And finally we are not promoting these as plays, but people liked our Bad Teams=Under Bets Theory last week which went 2-1 so today's possibilities include K.C./Indy at 38, Ari./Minny at 45 and Cin./Jax. at 37. Plus Fred's pick of the day is Pittsburgh -3 which has it's logic (see our Pit./Sea. notes from Week 2) and maybe like Marshall's Gouda don't sleep on the Under 41 there. I'm done...bring on the booze!

Former WCW valet Major Gunns in what is literally the least amount of clothes we could find on a woman and still post it here.

Old school wrestling jokiness at the "Seminal Sluts" and "Crimson Mask" titles, Erin Andrews and the girls of ESPN at "Something In The Way She Says Gamecocks", Lenny Dykstra mockery at "The Dumbest Guy In The Room" and Rex Ryan and N.Y. Mets slamming under the eponymous headings.

First Of The Day...To Old D.H. Lawrence (CFB Notes)

    Monday is Columbus Day and in honor I was planning on spreading smallpox at the local Indian casino, but instead I am being forced to sit through a full day, 6-hour seminar on Differentiated Lesson Planning that just might kill me. And I don't mean the funny, ha-ha "kill" me, I mean my heart may literally stop beating.
    For the unaware, and I assume that's all non-teachers, Differentiated Education is the process of adapting lessons to meet the different learning styles of students. So first we must learn what these Student-nistas "styles" are and then we have to set up multiple lessons for each class that may include, but is not limited to, setting up a cassette tape for the auditory learners, a DVD for the visual learners and a construction project for the tactile learners. To which I believe Sounder novelist and renowned educator William H. Armstrong, who penned the highly praised, no-nonsense academic tome Study Is Hard Work, said "Balls!"
    At a similiar seminar last year we were told Differentiation is necessary because the U.S. continues to fall further behind nations of the Pacific Rim in academic achievement. However, when I asked if China, Japan or either of the Koreas incorporate this process in their curriculums I was told that this is not just about learning per se, but also about instilling self-esteem in each in every student. A concept which fails to address the oft-asked question, "if everyone has self-esteem who's gonna dance in the Strip Clubs and waitress at Hooters?"
    You know Dylan Thomas may have been on to something...I mean why wait for Monday when I can just drink myself to death right now?

    And in national news Glenn Rice's ex-old lady Sarah Palin decided not to seek the GOP nomination after "much praying". Though this fails to clarify whether it was hers' or ours'...but now on to something really important...

CFB

--After watching Penn State get blasted by Alabama and struggle past Temple and Indiana does anyone else get the feeling the whole Joe Paterno epoch there is not going to end well. Now I'm not saying that JoePa can't still coach. Three Top 10 finishes in the last 6 years is testament to that. It's more a question of what's going to happen after they drag his cold dead body off the practice field. I'm sure there's the facade of a plan in place, but unlike Barry Alvarez who stepped aside gracefully so the future could begin at Wisconsin this transfer of power looks like it could end up messier than post-Tito Yugoslavia.
    At this point Paterno is, I believe, 106 years old, wears glasses that could fry a bug on the sidewalk and has the posture of a jumbo shrimp. Due to injuries and illness he rarely graces the sidelines anymore and this year on gamedays he's spent more time in the booth than Adolph Eichmann (stop it, I'm no Hank Williams, Jr. see here http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Man_in_the_Glass_Booth). The bigger problem may be that while the Nittany Lions are organized, motivated and well prepared each week they often look frighteningly slow and unathletic as witnessed in the Bama beatdown. Though he's still an icon in the eyes of older generations one has to figure a JoePa recruiting visit to a 17 year-old blue chipper goes something like me buying a drink for a hot co-ed: acceptance, polite conversation and finally a "thanks but no thanks Gramps." What will be left and what will spin out of it when Penn State is forced to move on will be interesting we just hope that a great man's old age ego doesn't create a mess at one of our favorite programs.

What?...You were expecting Eichmann?

--Back in the day my friends and I would put on our Lynyrd Skynyrd Whiskey and Ramones Presidential Fitness Seal shirts and spend our time walking around the local mall where just past the ubiquitous Hot Sam's, Hoffritz Cutlery and Sam Goody's with the cardboard cutout of the waitress from Supertramp's "Breakfast America" lay Ed's Tropical Fish Store. The highlight of this establishment was a back corner where on one side sat a fenced off open-air terrarium that featured a snapping turtle with a good half dollar's worth of pennies on his back and on the other side was a large eel-like fish in a tiny tank named "Crazy Joe".
    According to the card pasted on the tank C-Joe could swim at amazing speeds, swallow babies whole and break a man's back with the swipe of his tail. At first this seemed impressive, but after watching him turn one way and then back again while tiny goldfish swam with impunity around him it dawned on us that a big fish in a little pond is ultimately boring.
    Which in the most roundabout way we could come up with brings us to Boise State. Even without the baseball playoffs there was little reason to watch the Broncos vs. Fresno State last night and the resultant 57-7 crushing proved why. At first Boise was a fun story, but the complete and utter lack of competition they face on a weekly basis has made it boring. Like watching the Yankees grind through a month's worth of series versus the Orioles, Mariners and Royals one wants to scream, "can we just start the postseason already". But there in lies another problem since without a playoff system BSU's whole season boils down to one performance and that should not a National Champion make.
   What we'd like to see is Boise in, say, the SEC where they could face a run of Florida/Tennessee/Auburn/Alabama like current #1 LSU is doing this month. If the Tigers can run that gauntlet without it's perils of letdowns and key injuries taking them down they deserve all the accolades they get. If/When the Broncs survive their concurrent run of Fresno/Colorado St./Air Force/UNLV it'll just be another lazy turn in the fish tank and if you need me I'll be checking out the latest Bad Company album two stores down.

--Today Steve Spurrier will bench QB Stephen Garcia in favor of Connor Shaw who started Week 1 and went 3 of 9 for 21 yards before being demoted. This season the Gamecocks offensive production has shrunk faster than Julie Bowen's rack having scored in order 56, 45, 24, 21 and 13 points. That Steve Spurrier has not been able to develop a single quality QB in 7 years in Columbia is a mystery on par with whatever happened to The Monroes ("All the People Tell Me So"?...never mind). Fortunately the 'Cocks have a killer D that can get them past Kentucky and Mississippi State the next two weeks, but then a stretch of Tennessee, Arkansas, Florida and Clemson over 5 weeks could have the faithful screaming for the Ol' Ball Coaches visor in short order. Keep an eye out for go against opportunities.

'Cocks, the tatoo, its placement, the thong...I'm too hungover so this joke comes with some assembly required.

--In the late '60's drummer Pete Best whipped out the biggest balls this side of the Elephant Man's and released an album coyly titled "Best of the Beatles" with him innocuously posing alongside John, Paul and George on the cover. When consumers got home and popped it on their turntables they were treated to the biggest screwjob until folks, like me, took Tulsa laying 21 to North Texas last week. Going in this looked like a great play with the fact that the potent Golden Hurricane had lost to Oklahoma, Oklahoma State and Boise State in a 1-3 start helping to keep the line down. At 41-3 Tulsa in the 4th Quarter this looked like a lock, but in the most painful backdoor since my trip to Fire Island NT scored 21 unanswered points, the last 7 coming on a 26 yard TD pass with 14 seconds remaining to make sure any progeny I may produce (don't worry) will have fun filling out Community College applications in the future.

--Finally our picks last week split. Michigan State dominated, but the support of Virginia Tech produced our most devastating loss since a girlfriend talked me into working for the Mondale campaign in '84 (yes, my life often parallels Richie Cunningham). Now after dipping our toe in the water the first few weeks we were going to go full-on cannonball into the pool this week but instead let's just try Rutgers/Pitt Under 52.5 and West Virginia -20 and if you do back these...for the love of God go lightly.

NFL Notes up tomorrow A.M. with Tony Romo mocking. Plus bounce around here for humorous old school wrestling profiles, Rex Ryan joking, Mets hilarity, the women of ESPN ("Something In The Way She Says Gamecocks") and Lenny Dykstra bashing ("The Dumbest Guy In The Room"). Love you crazy kids.

Springboard...Sex Romp (NFL Notes-Week4)

    If idiocy had a slogan it would be, "There's Always Something There To Remind You". This week's version comes courtesy of the TV show The Office and the hallways of my school where apparently "Planking" is still alive. But as I told my students if you think you're being innovative and camp forget about it. In college we "planked" all the time only then we called it "Passing Out"...so get over yourself.

    But if that's not enough yesterday in NYC they held "A Slut Walk Against Sexual Assault". Seriously...and I know, how do I get on the mailing list? For the uninitiated hundreds of women dressed in lingerie and bikinis paraded through the streets of Greenwich Village carrying signs reading "End Rape and Rape Culture". I couldn't agree more, but is this really the way to go about it? It reminds me of the women with implants and low cut tops who are disgusted when the toothless guy pushing a shopping cart stares at them. I'm sure you were aiming your cleavage at the guy in the Armani suit, driving the BMW, but it ain't no Smartbomb. There's bound to be some collateral damage so quit complaining or button up.

    On a bright note, however, the Atlanta Brave and Boston Red Sox 2011 Playoff T-shirts arrived on the Gold Coast today much to the delight of Senegalese children throughout the country.

NFL

--N.Y. Giant fans this week had fun at the expense of Michael Vick who claimed in his postgame presser that the refs weren't protecting him like other QBs in the league. Vick believes his mobility and athleticism causes him to be treated differently. More like a RB than a pocket passer ala Brady or Brees. There may be some validity to this claim, but don't expect any sympathy. A convicted felon, in the past Mike has complained about fan attention (where have you gone Ron Mexico?), his dog fighting sentence, his contracts, his coaches and so on. Or as pro wrestling manager Jim Cornette used to say, "if this guy was screwed as often as he claims he'd have struck oil".
    So here's an idea, if they're going to treat you like a RB then run. Last week Vick passed up 3 opportunities to run for a first down in favor of throwing upfield across his body. In addition the Eagles were stopped at least 4 times on short yardage without one bootleg or run/pass option rollout attempted. Sure you can throw, but the tremendous run threat that comes with it is what makes you elite. Standing stock-still in the pocket as the rush has time to close in around you is like Garth Brooks chucking country music to be a moody, rock star...er...ah...well don't pull a Chris Gaines, that's always solid advice.

H.L. Mencken it's not, but still poignant. And they wonder why newspapers are going the way of the Dodo?

--Speaking of the Eagles short yardage offense the choice of Andy Reid to go for it on 4th and 1 from midfield with a 16-14 lead and 13 minutes to go is questionable enough, but the idea that the play call in that situation was a straight ahead run to McCoy makes it ridiculous. On the drive prior the Iggles drove 88 yards to a 1st and goal inside the Giants one and on 3 running plays between the tackles lost a yard and kicked the FG. If you didn't have a more imaginative play call than one similiar to the previous failures punt. Reid and OC Marty Morninwheg certainly have years more play calling experience than I'll ever have, but just because a Harvard PHD in Math tells me 2 + 2 = 5 doesn't mean I have to believe him.

--Still that 4th down decision is nowhere near as bad as the one made by the man who replaced BTK killer look-a-like Brad Childress, Vikings HC Leslie Frazier. With 11 minutes left and leading by 3 Fraz decided to go for it on 4th and 1 from the Lions 17. To this point the Vikes had rushed for less than 100 yards and 39 of that had come on trick-eration to Percy Harvin. Still Minny OC Bill Musgrave went with a play call so vanilla it made beige shrug and the FB dive to Toby Gearhart was stuffed for no gain. Alright maybe using Peterson as a decoy showed some imagination, but the bigger issue is turning down the chip shot FG.
    Today's NFL talking heads like to use basketball terminology and deem any lead of 8 points or less a "one possession game." This is overly simplistic. Without breaking out some esoteric numbers we all know that getting into FG range is far easier than getting in the end zone. Thus a 1-3 point lead is really more like a "half possession game" for lack of a better term while a 4-8 point lead is "one possession". By kicking the FG Frazier would've pushed the score from half to one possession territory. Additionally if the high powered Detroit offense came back and scored a TD Minny would be down 1 or "half" a possession as opposed to 4 and a "full" possession. I've rambled on too long and there's a lot more to the discussion, but I do think the "half" vs. "full" possession designation has merit so use it whenever you can...it'll be our "thing"...or not.

--And like another commercial for a Zooey Deschanel or Whitney Cummings comedy can we get rid of the Wildcat already. It stopped working years ago, but teams still insist on trotting it out 3-4 times a week despite what is probably a less than 25% success ratio. The problem is that unless you have a guy like ex-Jet/current Bill Brad Smith who can legit pass the Wildcat actually limits your options instead of expanding them. The defense sees a Mark Sanchez or Chad Henne awkwardly trot out to a flanker position, adjust to the formation and attack the run lanes immediately. Thus the Wildcat relies on the element of surprise and four years removed from it's adoption that's gone. Conversely the shotgun offense, which was resurrected by Tom Landry in the '80's, continues to thrive and is used more than ever in today's game because it opens up your options (run, pass, rollout) and keeps the defense from over-committing.

Actually in this instance I'd prefer not to be in the Shotgun.

--In a new feature my friend Fred, an itinerant gambler from back in the days when you went to the local Thoroughbred or Harness track, bet a race and then sat around for 30 minutes taking in the smell of horse crap and body odor until the next wagering opportunity came along, has proclaimed Curtis Painter the "worst NFL QB he's ever seen" (Ryan Leaf  and JaMarcus Russell excepted I assume) making his Pick of the Week: Tampa Bay -10.5 on Monday night.

--George Carlin once said that "twat" qualifies as a dirty word because it has no other possible meaning or in other words, "Twat's twat and that's that!" Similiarly bettors like to play the Over when betting totals because it's never definitively Under until the final seconds tick off, but when it's Over, it's Over. Nonetheless we have spotted a trend that indicates that quality teams will score no matter the opponent, but poor teams struggle vs. even the most inept defenses. Last week both New Orleans and New England played games that vaulted over Totals in the mid-50s, but games between lower tier teams like Carolina/Jacksonville and Cleveland/Miami struggled to reach the 30s. The key to the Under is not stopping teams cold, that rarely happens in today's NFL, it's turning TDs into FGs and botching potential scoring drives. None of the teams in the aforementioned lower tier games has a great defense, but their opponents struggled so mightily in the Red Zone and settled for FGs so often that the games turned into "wars of attrition" to see which side could win the field position and time of possession battle and sneak out with a win. If you're buying into this today's "weak sister" matchups and potential Under plays look like St.L/Was. 44, Cle./Ten. (throw out the records) 38.5 and Min./K.C. 40. Like they say on Cinemax, "discretion is advised".

--As for our selection of the day we're going to try St. Louis +3 over Washington. John Gruden may have hit on the key to Rex Grossman Monday night when he pointed out R-Gro (I'm starting something, give it a chance) was much better throwing to the middle of the field than to the sidelines due to lack of arm strength. Keep an eye on this going forward, but for now we're thinking letdown after a Monday Night heartbreaker and now going on the road.

No reason...but your welcome!

My Doctor says I'm not getting enough hops in my diet so time to rectify that. Follow us here, on Twitter at "sprtcom102" or at "Bowling Til' It Hurts" on Facebook. Nihilism...it's my last hope!

And as always the old school wrestling humor with Piper, Magnum TA, Bundy & more is under the "Crimson Mask" titles and the Diva editions with Sunny, Precious, Elizabeth & Sable are under "Seminal Sluts". Women of ESPN joshing is at "Something in the Way She Says Gamecocks" and Rex Ryan foot fetish & N.Y. Met bashing is under the obvious headings.

Springboard To A Super Bowl Sex Romp

    The Buddha of Basketball coaches John Wooden is quoted as saying, "A life not lived for others is not worth living." However, after nearly a decade at various positions in the world of education I can see where it would have it's advantages.

    Fortunately while Kinky Friedman was right in his assessment that "they ain't making Jews like Jesus anymore" they are making ones, in my district at least, that moaned and complained the way to getting me a much needed 4-day weekend in honor of Rosh Hashanah. So to them I raise my glass of Manischewitz and say, "L'chaim"!

    Of course that should've meant that this post didn't come down to the wire on CFB gameday as usual, but not unexpectedly yours truly and a few colleagues used the time off to give new meaning to the expression "High Holidays" so here we are again. Nonetheless I will forge through this Herculean hangover to bring you the Saturday sports snarkiness you so crave...or at least the requisite pinup girls and spread selections you can go against...but let's start with...

MLB

--Wow Boston and Atlanta what can we say? We haven't seen such symmetrical chokes since John Bonham and Keith Moon both decided to sleep on their backs. The Braves were in trouble early after Houston's Brett Myers got lit up like Richard Pryor on a Freebase binge allowing 7 hits and 5 runs in the first inning to the Cardinals, but the Red Sox turned in the biggest Boston gag since Albert DeSalvo got locked up.
    First the Yankees lose a 7 run lead, then Paplebon blows the save and finally the Rays win on a walk-off and before you know it every "whiskey-dicked" Mick from Cheers to the Beacon Hill Pub was thinking move over Bucky Dent and Aaron Boone because Dan "F---ing" Johnson (with his .108 average) and Evan "F---ing" Longoria just joined the club.
    And in a final note to Sawx fans is it possible the Yankees were just screwing with you when they sent Scott Proctor, who has an E.R.A. over 6 in each of his last 3 seasons, out there for a third inning of work? Remember just cause you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you...

CFB

--The Mississippi State/Louisiana Tech and South Carolina/Vanderbilt games were airing simultaneously on consecutive channels on my cable system last week and flipping back and forth one got a lesson on how to coach defense on the College level.
    In the pros pretty much everybody has a vertical passing game, but in CFB this is often not the case. Both Vandy and LA Tech came into their respective road games last week with the same idea-run the ball and throw short, safe passes that would spend less time in the air than Buddy Holly on "The Day The Music Died". Vandy because their QB is a run first option type and Tech because they were starting a 17 year old true freshmen in a hostile environment.
    Against this South Carolina DC Lorenzo Ward chose to blitz incessantly, bring his safeties up close and play press coverage on the corners. Thus the Commodores' QBs completely barely 60 % of their passes for a ridiculously low 3.7 yards per pass and were held to 44 yards total offense for the game. Conversely Mississippi State decided to stay mostly in their Rush 4/Cover 7 zone defense and yielded 73% completions and 359 yards in total offense to a QB that shaves less than Chaz Bono. Sure MSU won by 6, but this is a team that looks like it will give up a lot of points and a lot of Overs as the meat of SEC sked unfolds.

--Last week we apologize for handing out two luke-warm suggestions (Mississippi St. and Troy) that failed to cover. What we should've done when the slate of games yielded no strong feelings is revert back to an old standby theory of ours-play against teams that appear for the first time in the AP Top 25 (particularly if those teams are on the road). That number in parantheses next to a team name tends to inflate their worth in the eyes of the public when in fact their ascension may just be a case of beating up on weak sisters while teams facing tougher foes and losing drop out of the polls. Last week USC jumped up to #23 while slipping past the uninspiring trio of Minnesota, Utah and Syracuse all in the Coliseum. In their first road tilt they wound up at unranked Arizona State and were actually getting points. The resulting 43-22 drubbing knocked them into the "Also Receiving Votes" section of this week's poll and sent HC Lane Kiffin into a spiral of depression until he remembered this is his wife...

Layla Kiffin...film study, schmilm study Coach Kiffin's gotta get home.

--In a similiar vein Clemson popped into the Top 25 last week following their win at home vs. an overrated Auburn. This week they take to the road for the first time against Virginia Tech who'll be laying 7. Looks like a good size number, but that's what Arkansas backers said about the two TDs they were getting from 'Bama last week...we're going with the Hokies.

--Another team to watch along these lines is Notre Dame. Since the Irish started 0-2 they haven't hit the Top 25 yet, but because they are such a "public" team whatever way they are trending it's generally advisable to bet the opposite. For example after their two loss start this year folks were jumping off the ND bandwagon like turn of the century immigrants from the Triangle Shirtwaist building just in time to see them shock the betting world by covering at -6 vs. Michigan State. Last week they went to Pitt with their stock on the rise and won outright, but failed to cover. Today they're giving John Holmes-like wood against a God awful Purdue team so things could go either way. Still a big win could vault them back into the Top 25 so keep an eye open for a strong go against (especially away from South Bend) in the near future.

--The late, great George Carlin used to say that "through process of elimination it was possible to determine the worst doctor in the world and what's worse is somebody has an appointment with him tomorrow." Similiarly it's possible through the same procss to determine the worst coach in FBS football, but in contrast no one is being coached by him today. That's because New Mexico HC Mike Locksley saw his season finish faster than me in a hot tub with Sofia Vergara when the University of New Mexico canned him 4 games in. Considering his 2-26 record it's hardly a shock especially in light of the Lobos recent loss to Sam Houston State in effort that had it been put up by Old Mexico against the original Sam Houston probably would've saved us the tragedy of the Alamo. Additionally "Coach Lock" has sexual harassment charges and a DWI pending against him, but I don't care what anyone says...I miss him already.

--And finally we'll throw a play out there on Michigan State +3 over Ohio State. The Buckeyes switched QBs, but still can't throw so we'll go with the more balanced Spartans and the FG.

--Oh yeah...cheerleaders...

Indeed tongues are wagging after the Sun Devils win over USC!

Also see our Women of ESPN post with Erin Andrews pics here http://bowltilithurts.blogspot.com/2011/06/something-in-way-she-says-gamecocks.html

NFL Notes Tomorrow A.M.