The Lonliness Of The Long Distance Drunkard

    To say I hate everything and everyone would be an understatement...I hate things and people that haven't even been invented/born yet. Case in point the "Drug Awareness Week" celebration which was sprung on us out of the blue last Friday and at first flush seemed completely superfluous. I mean considering our school is known throughout the county as "Heroin High" I assumed the kids were already "aware" of drugs (In a brief aside my High School growing up, Livingston HS, was known throughout its county as "Living-stein" due to such a preponderance of Jewish students that the first day of classes it was hard to tell if the teacher was reading from the Attendance Roll or reciting Schindler's List...but I digress).
    No, this fedrally sponsored waste, which apparently was not designed by the guy who posted a Marijuana Leaf sign in my college dorm lobby that read "This Is A School-Free Drug Zone", is intended to alert kids to the evils of drugs and how to avoid them. It began Monday with "Backwards Day" where students and faculty were encouraged to wear their clothes backwards as an incentive to "Turn Your Back On Drugs". First off I assumed the reverse clothes idea had been put to rest with the demise of the pre-pubescent rappers KrissKross ("Jump") and second I can say from experience that turning your back on drugs is not the "wiggity-wiggity-whack" way to have them administered; or as the late comic Buddy Hackett said after being violated with the dreaded Barium Enema, "they shoved so much chalky stuff up my ass the first time I farted I shot a white line to Pittsburgh."
    This was followed by "Shade Yourself From Drugs" day where faculty members were told to wear sunglasses to school which ironically made us, strolling into work at 7 A.M., appear as if we just stumbled out of Spicoli's van after a night at a Phish concert. Wednesday was old school "Say No To Drugs" day, a program even my mother was against in the '80s preferring instead "Say No, Thank You To Drugs" as she felt there's no reason not to be polite. And as for the rest of the week I'm not really sure since I chose to remain blissfully above the fray courtesy of Percoset, the adult/urine test passing answer to that 4:20 itch.
   Here's football...

CFB Notes
--Trying to stay atop the current conference hopping craze is like trying to keep up with the third Stooge (Curly? Shemp? Joe Besser? Curly Joe?) or determine what band Paul Rodgers is singing for (is it Free, Bad Company, The Firm, Queen...). Frankly who gives a crap until the dust settles and besides if it's big time College sports then we know it's all about one thing...the Money.
    This all began once the Big 12 and SEC expanded and started raking in the bucks on a primetime, nationally televised Conference Championship game. Soon the race was on with the ACC expanding to the required 12 teams and even Conference USA and the MAC getting in on the act. This year the conference formerly known as the Big 10 and the Pac 12 cannonballed into the money pool with the latter reaching the requisite 12 by taking home Utah and even God-awful Colorado just before closing time in the football equivalent of Elton John-sized Beer Goggles.
    The saddest case of all, however, is the Big East. As if sending Conneticut to the Fiesta Bowl last year to get hammered by Oklahoma wasn't bad enough for this red headed step-child of the Big 6 conferences it's now been announced that one of the BE's 2 ranked teams, (25) West Virginia, is headed to the Big 12. A move that has left the rest of the conference more lost than members of No Doubt when Gwen Stefani went solo (hey an actual music reference from the past two decades, who said we weren't topical). On the bright side though Louisville is staying and Big East officials have announced they are courting Army and Navy as part of their new look re-alignment; or in other words "Thanks for coming to the party Big East, this is Sidney, Jugdish, Mohammed...oh, you met already...Super!"

Really? They're the Ducks? Because I'm seeing Beaver here!?!

--With the losses by Oklahoma and Wisconsin last week 7-0 Kansas State has vaulted to #8 in the nation and would seem to have a stranglehold on at least winding up in the Big 12 Championship Game come December. But folks in the "other" Manhattan are taking things a step further believing their Cinderella squad is the right size to where the glass slipper all the way to the Big BCS Ball. Considering they slid by Eastern Kentucky 10-7, their biggest win is a one point squeaker at home over defensively deficient Baylor and their QB Collin Klein averages a mere 133 ypg thru the air we're not sold. In fact let us be the first to say that you'll find us in a bus depot bathroom with a dozen c*cks in our ass like the fantail of a peacock before you see the Wildcats sweep their next 4 (against Oklahoma, Oklahoma St., Texas A&M and Texas) plus the Conference Championship and BCS title game and take the National championship. Alright maybe we're the only ones who would say it quite that way, but hopefully our point is taken. KSU has over-achieved courtesy of a mediocre schedule and a +5 in close wins (games decided by 7 points or less) a stat that our NFL posts has proven is a tell-tale sign of a lucky squad.
    Question is does Oklahoma's loss to Texas Tech last week help or hurt when looking at this from a pointspread perspective. Will the Sooners be flat after having their perfect season spoiled? Does Bob Stoops rally his troops after a loss? Is there really dissension and finger pointing, as reported, in the Okie lockerroom? Our research this week has been inconclusive, not to mention incoherent. However, we do know that Oklahoma is the more talented team, that they can go vertical on offense and are much better defending the run than the pass which plays well against a mostly grounded Kansas State attack. The number is at Oklahoma -13.5 which, considering the game is in Manhattan, would appear to be a KSU trap for the squares similiar to the Washington +21 trap we analyzed last week. Picks are below, but this just might be the week that something gives in this whole crazy Stanford/Clemson/Kansas State pointspread/outright winning streak.

--As a grade schooler in the '70's/'80s the only thing that provided as many hours of Study Hall fun as a triangular paper football was the original 1500 page, pulp edition of The Guiness Book of World Records. Even if pithy, British humor like the caption under the picture of the 8-foot something World's Tallest Man standing next to his 5'11'' father that read "David is the one wearing the glasses" was lost on us there were still plenty of freaks to enjoy. Everyone's favorite was the overall wearing World's Fattest Man Robert Earl Hughes who weighed 1100 pounds and, we were told for some reason, had to be buried in a piano case. Years later Jerry Seinfeld did a bit where he recalled staring at Mr. Hughes' picture and thinking "this guy could lose 400 pounds and he'd still weigh 700 pounds...whaddya say if you're his friend 'hey Bob lost weight? You look like a rail!'"
    In other words it's possible for things to get so bad that it's virtually impossible, no matter the Herculean effort exerted, to turn them around. One example that springs to mind in College Football is the program at Eastern Michigan. Sure people who go back far enough can point to Kansas State and Northwestern as schools that rose from the seeming dead to be viable major conference programs, but the increased conference sharing revenue these schools received during the cable sports explosion of the past few decades helped fuel their rise and a more egalitarian major conference world overall. Toiling in the MAC EMU does not enjoy such an advantage.
    The Eagles had only one winning season in the last 21 (1995) and for the past 15 have not produced more than 4 wins in a season despite the schedule expanding to 12 games for more than half those years. Nonetheless they put lines on these games and while it's always a "back door" crap shoot to bet against such a team and lay 35-40 there are opportunities, if you can spy a turn around early enough, to cash in on these squads. Third year EMU coach Ron English my be leading just such a revival. His use of an approach employed most recently by Greg Schiano at Rutgers in which you start from the ground up by upgrading facilities, strength and conditioning, speed and overall organization even at the cost of few losing seasons is finally starting to pay dividends. Eastern is 4-2 ATS this year including two outright wins as a double digit dog in their last two games. Today they're off, but keep an eye open as they get the victory-challenged trio of Ball State, Buffalo and Kent State following the bye.
**Also note North Texas under disgraced former Iowa State coach and noted wife beater Dan McCarney also falls into this category...5-3 ATS on the year.

It's never too early to start thinking about a #1 vs. #2 matchup...

--Picks: We always like a good coaching mismatch and none looks bigger today than Joe Paterno vs. Ron Zook. So how 'bout Penn State -5 to kick off things off. Then later a rejuvenated Arizona and QB Nick Foles despite the "streaker suspensions" +4 over Washington and despite our totals burning of last week on SMU were gonna get back on the proverbial horse with Tulsa/SMU over 58 (with a lean toward Tulsa -2.5 as well). You crazy kids enjoy the games, dammit!

Not going to fill the Sally Field role in The Flying Nun remake, but if they ever shoot The Floating Nun she's got a decent shot.

NFL tomorrow...Old school wrestling, Mets bashing, the Girls of ESPN with Erin Andrews and more throughout the site. Like Pesci and Dangerfield in Easy Money feel free to be a "browser".

Live From The Newbomb Turk Memorial Library (CFB Notes)

    For those who have been here before you know the drill. For all the newcomers welcome to the biggest waste of time since I spent that weekend watching an entire Wings marathon on USA Network...though it did take some of the sting outta Crystal Bernard's lawyer getting the Restraining Order bumped back to 50 feet...Anyway welcome all and enjoy our depraved, dipsomaniacal dementia before the Board of Ed. subpoenas my Hard Drive and more than this blog "goes away".

Crystal Bernard: Wings' answer to Gilligan's Island's Mary Ann and a stalker's Courtney Thorne-Smith backup plan.

CFB Notes
--In his first tour at Kansas State (1989-05) HC Bill Snyder was known for two things-turning around one of the worst programs in the NCAA and playing a non-conference schedule softer than the Placebo Control group in an Erectile Dysfunction trial. During that run the Wildcats would rise steadily in the polls through mid-November, twice reaching #2 in the nation, before being exposed late in the year. Most famously blowing a chance at the National Title tilt by losing to Texas A&M as a 14 point fave in the '98 Big 12 Championship game.
    So all this casts in doubt K-State's surprising 5-0 start and current #17 ranking. At first glance though one might think this isn't your father's KSU. Sure they opened with Eastern Kentucky and Kent State, but wins vs. Miami (FL), #15 Baylor and Missouri seem to solidify their Top 25 credentials, but digging a bit deeper even these wins aren't all they could be. They've been outgained in each effort, but have survived via +3 turnovers and an unsustainable 52% conversions on 3rd and 4th down combined. They also have an aerial attack that barely matches the Egyptians during the Six Day War throwing for an anemic 127 ypg. Today the Wildcats travel to Texas Tech and are +3.5 despite playing a squad that barely nipped a putrid Kansas club and allows 224 ypg on the ground. If they don't get tripped up here they'll likely be 7-0 heading into a 4 week run of Oklahoma, Oklahoma St., Texas A&M and Texas starting October 29. Wager as you see fit.

--I recently changed the occupation listing on my FaceBook profile to read "Gentlemen Farmer" which prompted a torrid of "WTF" (why the face?) messages from dismayed friends and family. To date it's unclear whether they take umbrage with me calling myself a "Farmer" or a "Gentlemen", but chances are it's a little from Column A and a little from Column B.
    Conversely when people made the idea of "Student-Athletes" on the Florida football program a running joke during Steve Spurrier's tenure in the '90's it was more than obvious which half of that monicker they took offense with. Add in the fact that UF once tried to trademark the phrase "World's Biggest Outdoor Cocktail Party" for their game with Georgia in order to cash in on the t-shirt revenue (and isn't that the choicest plum of them all) and that Spurrier himself when told a fire had destroyed over 10,000 books at the UGA Library commented, "that's too bad, I heard some of them weren't even colored yet" you get the idea that the relationship between football and scholastics was akin to that of Hannity to Colmes; or at least should've been written something like this, student-ATHLETES.
    So when people were shocked that Spurrier kicked QB Stephen Garcia off the Gamecock roster this week it seemed odd. Sure Garcia was suspended for the seemingly minor infraction of failing a test, a Sharia Law-like move that seems akin to getting the Death Penalty in Thailand for banging a 14 year-old...I mean, when in Rome...And I know Garcia had been booted 5 times previously, but as '80's MLB-er Steve "Slowhand" Howe can attest 6 offenses ain't necessarily the charm. No Garcia got canned because last week backup QB Connor Shaw stepped into the starter's role and delivered 311 yards and 4 TDs on the way to a 54-3 rout. This is how Dictatorship's work. You're survival is linked to your usefulness to the King...so goodbye Stephen Garcia we hardly knew Ye!

--And speaking of Dictators during his run as Reichs-Fuhrer of Germany Adolph Hitler presided over the domestic killing sprees "The Night of Long Knives" and "The Night of Broken Glass" which always led us to believe that the best way to survive a totalitarian regime was to not go out at night.
    Similiarly the best way to stay hired as a FBS Head Coach this year is to not be named "Mike". Less than two weeks after New Mexico canned Mike Locksley Arizona made Mike Stoops the second HC to be fired in season.
    Stoops, of course, is the brother of highly successful Oklahoma coach Bob Stoops, but apparently Jim and John Harbaugh they're not. Mike, the Jeremy to Bob's Jason Giambi, has hovered around .500 for his entire 41-50 tenure at U of A though he did turn in 3 straight minor bowl appearances over the last 3 years. Still whenever I see a family member of a great coach get a job it reminds me of the collosal injustice the cheapest man in football, Mike Brown, perpertrated on Cincinnati Bengals' fans in the '90's. With the faithful screaming for a big name coach to be hired after the departure of Sam Wyche in 1992 Brown gave the people what they wanted and hired Shula. Oh no not Don, but David Shula who as QBs coach in Dallas had been passed over 3 times for the Offensive Coordinator job by HC Jimmy Johnson. Oh yeah, Davey was no Goliath going 19-52 in 4 and a half seasons in Cinncy. So let this be a lesson if you're ever named an NFL GM or major college AD. You're not disecting peapods with Gregor Mendel here...or, in other words, coaching talent is not always in the genes.

Looks like OU you got the best in this set of twins as well...

--Finally some quick hits...Notre Dame scored 50 points last week for the first time since 2003. In fact since Lou Holtz left ND has topped the big 5-0 only twice and followed those efforts with non-covering performances vs. Navy (21-17 win) in '97 and Syracuse (38-12 loss) in '03. They're off this week and still haven't cracked the Top 25 so maybe the public isn't completely on the bandwagon yet, but as we mentioned last week keep an eye open for Go Against situations as the season progresses. One possibility: Nov. 5 at Wake Forest...Also last week we mentioned Tulsa being underrated due to a killer early sked. Today they get a bad UAB team with a coach, Frank Callaway, who has one foot on a banana peel and one foot in a radio color analyst job. The Golden Hurricane is laying 21 there...And finally Jerry Seinfeld has a bit where he says when he sees traffic that's completely stopped he wonders what's going to happen in the future. Are people actually going to be going backwards? Last week the Over on points scored by Vandy against Alabama was 3. They didn't cover which led me to wonder if the line could actually be negative when they faced LSU. Sadly they're not scheduled.

Too bad Vandy fans, a trip to Baton Rouge mighta been worth the drubbing. And as for the girl on the right, is it possible for a body to be so hot it's painful?

--Now for some picks. Last week we went 2-0 with West Virginia and the Rutgers/Pitt Under, but as the mutual fund people are always sure to tell us past success does not guarantee future results. Today let's try the aforementioned Tulsa at -21 and sticking with the C-USA how 'bout UTEP +1.5 over Tulane in what could be a shootout (the number's at 57). Good luck and enjoy the games.

--Please check in with our new advertiser's in the upper right if you want to keep this whole pile of bad puns and sexist snark alive. Also some of our friends are blogging away @ http://www.jaredssportsriff.com/ and http://www.tinymindgazette.com/. Check 'em out while I partake in a tankard of Milwaukee's Best by which, sadly, I don't mean one of America's finest domestic beers, but literally Milwaukee's Best...any port in a storm, I guess.