No, this fedrally sponsored waste, which apparently was not designed by the guy who posted a Marijuana Leaf sign in my college dorm lobby that read "This Is A School-Free Drug Zone", is intended to alert kids to the evils of drugs and how to avoid them. It began Monday with "Backwards Day" where students and faculty were encouraged to wear their clothes backwards as an incentive to "Turn Your Back On Drugs". First off I assumed the reverse clothes idea had been put to rest with the demise of the pre-pubescent rappers KrissKross ("Jump") and second I can say from experience that turning your back on drugs is not the "wiggity-wiggity-whack" way to have them administered; or as the late comic Buddy Hackett said after being violated with the dreaded Barium Enema, "they shoved so much chalky stuff up my ass the first time I farted I shot a white line to Pittsburgh."
This was followed by "Shade Yourself From Drugs" day where faculty members were told to wear sunglasses to school which ironically made us, strolling into work at 7 A.M., appear as if we just stumbled out of Spicoli's van after a night at a Phish concert. Wednesday was old school "Say No To Drugs" day, a program even my mother was against in the '80s preferring instead "Say No, Thank You To Drugs" as she felt there's no reason not to be polite. And as for the rest of the week I'm not really sure since I chose to remain blissfully above the fray courtesy of Percoset, the adult/urine test passing answer to that 4:20 itch.
Here's football...
CFB Notes
--Trying to stay atop the current conference hopping craze is like trying to keep up with the third Stooge (Curly? Shemp? Joe Besser? Curly Joe?) or determine what band Paul Rodgers is singing for (is it Free, Bad Company, The Firm, Queen...). Frankly who gives a crap until the dust settles and besides if it's big time College sports then we know it's all about one thing...the Money.
This all began once the Big 12 and SEC expanded and started raking in the bucks on a primetime, nationally televised Conference Championship game. Soon the race was on with the ACC expanding to the required 12 teams and even Conference USA and the MAC getting in on the act. This year the conference formerly known as the Big 10 and the Pac 12 cannonballed into the money pool with the latter reaching the requisite 12 by taking home Utah and even God-awful Colorado just before closing time in the football equivalent of Elton John-sized Beer Goggles.
The saddest case of all, however, is the Big East. As if sending Conneticut to the Fiesta Bowl last year to get hammered by Oklahoma wasn't bad enough for this red headed step-child of the Big 6 conferences it's now been announced that one of the BE's 2 ranked teams, (25) West Virginia, is headed to the Big 12. A move that has left the rest of the conference more lost than members of No Doubt when Gwen Stefani went solo (hey an actual music reference from the past two decades, who said we weren't topical). On the bright side though Louisville is staying and Big East officials have announced they are courting Army and Navy as part of their new look re-alignment; or in other words "Thanks for coming to the party Big East, this is Sidney, Jugdish, Mohammed...oh, you met already...Super!"
Really? They're the Ducks? Because I'm seeing Beaver here!?!--With the losses by Oklahoma and Wisconsin last week 7-0 Kansas State has vaulted to #8 in the nation and would seem to have a stranglehold on at least winding up in the Big 12 Championship Game come December. But folks in the "other" Manhattan are taking things a step further believing their Cinderella squad is the right size to where the glass slipper all the way to the Big BCS Ball. Considering they slid by Eastern Kentucky 10-7, their biggest win is a one point squeaker at home over defensively deficient Baylor and their QB Collin Klein averages a mere 133 ypg thru the air we're not sold. In fact let us be the first to say that you'll find us in a bus depot bathroom with a dozen c*cks in our ass like the fantail of a peacock before you see the Wildcats sweep their next 4 (against Oklahoma, Oklahoma St., Texas A&M and Texas) plus the Conference Championship and BCS title game and take the National championship. Alright maybe we're the only ones who would say it quite that way, but hopefully our point is taken. KSU has over-achieved courtesy of a mediocre schedule and a +5 in close wins (games decided by 7 points or less) a stat that our NFL posts has proven is a tell-tale sign of a lucky squad.
Question is does Oklahoma's loss to Texas Tech last week help or hurt when looking at this from a pointspread perspective. Will the Sooners be flat after having their perfect season spoiled? Does Bob Stoops rally his troops after a loss? Is there really dissension and finger pointing, as reported, in the Okie lockerroom? Our research this week has been inconclusive, not to mention incoherent. However, we do know that Oklahoma is the more talented team, that they can go vertical on offense and are much better defending the run than the pass which plays well against a mostly grounded Kansas State attack. The number is at Oklahoma -13.5 which, considering the game is in Manhattan, would appear to be a KSU trap for the squares similiar to the Washington +21 trap we analyzed last week. Picks are below, but this just might be the week that something gives in this whole crazy Stanford/Clemson/Kansas State pointspread/outright winning streak.
--As a grade schooler in the '70's/'80s the only thing that provided as many hours of Study Hall fun as a triangular paper football was the original 1500 page, pulp edition of The Guiness Book of World Records. Even if pithy, British humor like the caption under the picture of the 8-foot something World's Tallest Man standing next to his 5'11'' father that read "David is the one wearing the glasses" was lost on us there were still plenty of freaks to enjoy. Everyone's favorite was the overall wearing World's Fattest Man Robert Earl Hughes who weighed 1100 pounds and, we were told for some reason, had to be buried in a piano case. Years later Jerry Seinfeld did a bit where he recalled staring at Mr. Hughes' picture and thinking "this guy could lose 400 pounds and he'd still weigh 700 pounds...whaddya say if you're his friend 'hey Bob lost weight? You look like a rail!'"
In other words it's possible for things to get so bad that it's virtually impossible, no matter the Herculean effort exerted, to turn them around. One example that springs to mind in College Football is the program at Eastern Michigan. Sure people who go back far enough can point to Kansas State and Northwestern as schools that rose from the seeming dead to be viable major conference programs, but the increased conference sharing revenue these schools received during the cable sports explosion of the past few decades helped fuel their rise and a more egalitarian major conference world overall. Toiling in the MAC EMU does not enjoy such an advantage.
The Eagles had only one winning season in the last 21 (1995) and for the past 15 have not produced more than 4 wins in a season despite the schedule expanding to 12 games for more than half those years. Nonetheless they put lines on these games and while it's always a "back door" crap shoot to bet against such a team and lay 35-40 there are opportunities, if you can spy a turn around early enough, to cash in on these squads. Third year EMU coach Ron English my be leading just such a revival. His use of an approach employed most recently by Greg Schiano at Rutgers in which you start from the ground up by upgrading facilities, strength and conditioning, speed and overall organization even at the cost of few losing seasons is finally starting to pay dividends. Eastern is 4-2 ATS this year including two outright wins as a double digit dog in their last two games. Today they're off, but keep an eye open as they get the victory-challenged trio of Ball State, Buffalo and Kent State following the bye.
**Also note North Texas under disgraced former Iowa State coach and noted wife beater Dan McCarney also falls into this category...5-3 ATS on the year.
It's never too early to start thinking about a #1 vs. #2 matchup...--Picks: We always like a good coaching mismatch and none looks bigger today than Joe Paterno vs. Ron Zook. So how 'bout Penn State -5 to kick off things off. Then later a rejuvenated Arizona and QB Nick Foles despite the "streaker suspensions" +4 over Washington and despite our totals burning of last week on SMU were gonna get back on the proverbial horse with Tulsa/SMU over 58 (with a lean toward Tulsa -2.5 as well). You crazy kids enjoy the games, dammit!
Not going to fill the Sally Field role in The Flying Nun remake, but if they ever shoot The Floating Nun she's got a decent shot.NFL tomorrow...Old school wrestling, Mets bashing, the Girls of ESPN with Erin Andrews and more throughout the site. Like Pesci and Dangerfield in Easy Money feel free to be a "browser".
