Secondly to the several students who called me out over last week's pic of WCW valet Major Gunns because the name "Tylene Buck" was printed in the corner I say...seriously, did you think her mother named her "Major Gunns"? Federal education standards my ass...there are definitely Some Children (that should be) Left Behind.
NFL Notes
--When the current Mrs. Kris Humphries was working her way through the "Entertainers/Athletes" section of Who's Who of the NAACP in the wake of Hurricane Katrina a joke circulated that "Kim Kardashian had screwed more black men than FEMA."
Now I have no idea how the suffering of the people of New Orleans could've been better alleviated, but I certainly would've started by not naming my Arabian horse-loving, drinking buddy head of an agency charged with attending to the victims of major natural disasters. Similiarly if I were an NFL coach I wouldn't let my 13 year Offensive Line coach talk his way into becoming my Defensive Coordinator, but that's exactly what Eagles HC Andy Reid did this offseason.
Last week we mentioned Nnandi Asomugha's signing in relation to Philly's defensive collapse this year, but his lack of impact is just a symptom. The real germ at the heart of this disease has to be DC Juan Castillo. In the constantly shifting and aggresively mobile world of NFL assistant coaching staying an OL coach in one place for 13 years often doesn't so much indicate success as much as the fact that your banging your head against a glass ceiling like you were appearing in a Quiet Riot video filmed at the pyramid in front of The Louvre. So far this year the Eagles rank #26 in points allowed, 30 in passing TDs allowed, 30 in rush yards allowed and have forced a meager 5 turnovers. They now need to go 9-2 the rest of the way to finish 10-6 which is still no guarantee of reaching the playoffs and may be down to only two healthy offensive tackles suiting up today. So the heat is on the coaching staff in Philadelphia as they travel to Washington, but in Juan Castillo's favor if somebody has to take a bullet for you it's nice to have Andy Reid to stand behind.
This shot looks more like the "Bears" than the Eagles...not that there's anything wrong with it.--If you're holding Peyton Manning on your Fantasy roster in the hopes he'll return this year give up the ghost, guy. When Colts owner Jim Irsay announced this week that he believes Manning will still suit up at some point this year it was obvious he may be more committed to the narcotically enhanced Beat Generation lifestyle than just paying $1M for the original scroll manuscript of Jack Kerouac's On The Road. Bringing back Manning prematurely on this 0-5 sinking ship is akin to the average, blue collar guy slapping a diamond ring on his wife after 5 kids and 30 years of marriage. Neither of you is going anywhere and it's time to accept the fact that "I'm fat, you're fat, I'll see ya around the kitchen" and save your assets for another day. See you in 2012 Peyton.
--The big news that isn't this week is that Tim Tebow is the new starter in Denver. It "isn't" news because Denver is on Bye, but many eyes will be focused on his performance at Miami next week. While we have mixed feelings about Tebow's chance for long-term success we do believe he should get a chance now rather than later.
Looking at a slate of starting QBs this week that includes Curtis Painter, Matt Moore, Rex Grossman and Colt McCoy is like taking in the exotic dancers at a Bayonne (NJ) strip club-you quickly become aware that there's just not enough hot ones to meet the demand. Now Tebow is no NFL passer right now, but who cares. Listening to Terry Bradshaw is often like trying to decipher the dialogue in an episode of Hillbilly Handfishing, but he does know QB technique and feels that over time Timmy T's elongated throwing motion can be corrected enough to make him a vertical threat. Until then we hope the Broncos staff let's him do what he does best which is improvise and run (injury threat be damned).
Sadly, however, we still have night sweats over our first round selection of Kordell Stewart at our Fantasy Draft in 1998. The year prior K-Stew ran for 11 TDs, threw for 21 and led the Steelers to a 13-3 record. The next he was asked to be something he wasn't, more of a pocket passer, and while he ran only slightly fewer times than the year before it was mostly in desperation as his rush TDs dropped to 2, his pass TDs to 11 and I ended with Tony Banks under center in a season that was no Fantasy.
HC John Fox is a safe distance from Bill Walsh, but here's hoping more creative minds prevail and Tebow's put in the best position to succeed based on his current array of talents because like a pregnant go-go dancer Brady Quinn is next up on the dance floor/depth chart.
Another Bronco fan swelling with pride over their young QB!--Quick Hits...I once said of QB Charlie Whitehurst that he's "bad, not Sofia Coppola in The Godfather III bad, but more like Keanu Reeves in, well, anything bad". Next week he gets the start for the injured Tavaris Jackson in Seattle and the thought of betting opportunities abounds...After throwing 25 TD vs. 6 Ints. last year Josh Feeeman's ratio stands at 3-6 already in 2011. Which reminds us of no one so much as David Garrard who was a miraculous 18-3 on 335 attempts in 2007 only to throw fewer TDs and 13 and 10 Ints. respectively in 2009/10. Today he sits home while Matt Moore prepares to start Monday for Miami a comparison that may not bode well for the much ballyhooed Tampa Renaissance...When former Colt D-lineman Artie Donovan sacked Detroit QB Bobby Layne to open the second half of a game in the late 50's he was hit with the overpowering smell of alcohol. Donovan immediately assumed the hard-living Layne "musta been out all night drinkin'" to which Layne replied, "what makes you think I didn't have a few at halftime." Amen brother and now on to the picks.
--Once in the 80's Fred of "Fred's Picks" on these pages lost 14 straight NBA games to the bookie. When he called up the next night he was told there were no NBA games scheduled, but there were lines on the NHL. Fred demurred, however, explaining, "NHL? What the Hell do I know about hockey!?" I offer this as background before delivering his pick of the day which is New Orleans at -6.5 (Record: 1-1 to date). As for my selections last week we were suckered in worse than the people who buy into those ads on the right-hand side of every sport site that guarantee "Amazing Muscle Growth In Older Men" above a picture of some geezer's head photo shopped on to a 25 year-old juiceheads body when we took Philadelphia over Buffalo. Fool me once shame on me, fool me twice...ah screw it, Philly -3 over what I still say is an overrated Redskins team. Throw in Baltimore -7 (John Harbaugh 3-0 ATS off a bye) and the Giants bouncing back at -3 over Buffalo.
Finally another well-endowed British girl...I mean who's even noticing the bad teeth?Please check out our advertisers at the top right and enjoy the games...Drunk at last, drunk at last, good God almighty I'm gettin' drunk at last.
Old school wrestling at "Crimson Mask" and "Seminal Sluts" titles, Erin Andrews at "Something In The Way She Says Gamecocks" and Lenny Dykstra at "Dumbest Guy In The Room"
