Medically Correct...Morally Bankrupt-NFL Notes Week 11

--Friday was "Pajama Day" at school an event replete with so many kids wandering around in bathrobes and slippers that I felt like not so much a teacher as an orderly at a mental institution...I mean more so than usual. My request, however, to get on the PA and in a sing-song voice announce, "Medication Time", like R.P. McMurphy in One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest was rejected not so much for being inappropriate as for the confusion it would cause since we already have 3 unannounced Medication Times every day. But yes people should work harder/longer to get ahead...the "Twelve Hours A Day Of Daycare" Generation is what's gonna make this country great again...sorry, I'm done now.

--Now I know Penny's supposed to be the looker on Big Bang Theory, but has Bernadette filled out rather nicely this season...and while we're at it did Brandi from Storage Wars get a boob job...and who else watches all the way through the intro to Modern Family just so they could see the oldest daughter in that short skirt and calf-high boots...and what's with the fiancee girl on Terms of Engagement? Is she hot? Is she fat? It's hard to te...Dear God, maybe these educational experts are right. We do need a Voucher System...

NFL NOTES
--Sometimes you can be too smart. For example Ritz Crackers boxes of the 1970's used to feature on the back a recipe for something called "Mock Apple Pie". This was a traditional-style pie made with all the usual ingredients except apples. Instead one substituted Ritz Crackers...naturally.
    Now going from using sweet, juicy apples to salty, crunchy crackers and putting together a tasty replica of the real thing is certainly a stunning feat of neurological gymnastics, but instead of being impressed I was generally left thinking what if this person had put his mind to something important, like say, finding a cure for cancer or coming up with a sign you could use to alert people their turn signal's been on for 17 miles (the middle finger doesn't have the effect I'd hoped it would) instead.
    Last week  Atlanta HC Mike Smith decided to go for it on 4th and 1 from his own 30 in OT and though the failure sealed a loss for the Falcons Football Sabermetricians, who have long been touting research that says teams should go for it on 4th and short far more often than they do, came out of the woodwork to defend him. And while I'm all for innovation and inventiveness I think this may be an overreach. Going back to the early 2000's sabermetric founder Bill James proposed a fluid, non-defined bullpen system that the Red Sox adopted and abandoned after half a season. The problem was not so much ineffectiveness as it was complaints from players who preferred having a defined role.
    In football the offense's role is to get first downs. When they fail the special team's role is to flip the field position and the defense's job is to stop the opponent. Last Sunday Smith made his offense everything and played down the roles of his special teams and defense. Over a 162 game season you might be able to weather these storms and wait for regression to prove you right. Over 16 games even a short string of failures of this nature can destroy confidence and lead to dissension. It's only one game and Smith has built up plenty of points in the lockerroom since replacing Bobby Petrino so he should be able to survive this gaffe. But sometimes we need less Mock Apple Pies in the world and more easier opening ways to package, goddamned, cream cheese...

Maybe I was too hard on Mock Apple Pie...I mean sometimes fake is just better.

--I'm gonna Occupy My Couch before I ever consider Occupy(ing) Wall Street, but let's face facts a lot of rich people are just Dicks. For example the sweater tied around the neck old guy who dropped his keys at the supermarket and when I went to hand them back said, "thanks, I'll need those for my BMW." At which point I held them up by the tiny Super Saver card and said, "yeah and you'll need this to save 3 cents on peas...Asswipe." OK, maybe not that last part, but hey when did they remove the "c" with a line through it cents symbol anyway.
    Oh yeah the point...this kind of attitude it what makes it easy to see the Washington Redskins perpetually fail. Daniel Snyder looks like a little Napoleonic-complexed ass and the way he has jerked around this fantastic fan base while throwing money around to provide false hope pretty much bears it out.
    So here's a tip...get a friggin' QB. Since he took over in 1999 the roster of signal callers here has barely shown any planning or foresight toward what is obviously the most critical position on the field. The lineup of starters includes the Over-The-Hill gang (well into their 30's at the time) of Brad Johnson, Jeff George, Mark Brunell and Donovan McNabb; the low or undrafted trio of Danny Wuerffel, Shane Matthews and Tim Hasselbeck; and the over-drafted tandem of Patrick Ramsey and Jason Campbell plus this year's train wreck that is Rex Grossman and John Beck.
    So for an owner who once had his vendors sell beer in the bathrooms and bags of peanuts he got at an auction for the bankrupt Imperial Airlines quit cutting corners where it's important only to piss money away on the Albert Haynesworth's of the world. After all a bunch of fat guys in flower print dresses and pig noses deserve better.

This is our 4th Redskin Cheerleader of the year...which says at least Daniel Snyder hasn't skimped on the silicone.

--If you need a stat to define why the Eagles are not the Dream Team they were billed as here it is: Last week the Arizona Cardinals threw 40 passes. On 16 of those Nnandi Asomugha matched up in single coverage with Larry Fitzgerald resulting in two targets for no completions. On the other 24 attempts Fitzgerald caught 7 passes for 146 yards and two TDs.
    Years of watching Steve Smith put up monster numbers all by himself in Carolina has confirmed, as has Phil Simms in his book Sunday Morning Quarterback, that there is no such thing as Double Coverage, as we know it from the school yard, in the NFL. Still the least you could do is have your high-priced shutdown corner shadowing your opponents biggest threat instead of standing out in space waiting for lead-footed Tight Ends like Jeff King to run through his area.
    Certainly the Iggles have regressed some on offense this year particularly in the passing game, but that was to be expected to a degree after a Top 3 performance in 2010. The signing of Asomugha, however, should have freed up the safeties and LBs to play a more agressive game that could have offset the down tick on O. Instead Philly is 12 takeaways off last year's pace and ranks 29th in the league in TD passes allowed. That's a lot of cheese steaks spent on a player for that kind of return, but hey Andy Reid and Defensive Coordinator Juan Castillo's bond is one that'll last a lifetime...and you can't put a price on friendship.

--Fred's Pick (3-3-1) today is Chicago -4 over San Diego. We concur, but wish we didn't have to as the mess in Charger-land has made the idea of the Broncos stealing the AFC West a distinct possibility and that means Tebow Time, All The Time for sports media everywhere. K.C. looks done what with having to start a QB who actually couldn't beat out Matt Cassell for the rest of the year and Oakland seems to be, as my Grandmother used to say, like Shit...they're all over the place. Today they go to Minny for a big one since up coming matchups with potential playoff squads Green Bay, Chicago and Detroit could be dicey. Carson Palmer's improvement last week and continuing familiarity with the offense does bode well for the Raiders. However, if they should falter and Phillip Rivers can't find his old self soon the press might have us believing the name on the back of those controversial Tebow jerseys shouldn't be "Jesus", but "God".

--As for us we're gonna try the Falcons to bounce back from last week's emotional loss (Hell it worked for freakin' Penn State yesterday) laying 6.5 to Tennessee in the confines of the Georgia Dome. We've already gone on about Matt Ryan's success at home vs. on the road and last week mentioned Tennessee seems a suspect 5-4 with a vunerability on the road and recent results results give us value at under a TD and even down to -6 in some places. I'm still sick so that's all while I'm off to self-medicate 12 fluid ounces at a time.

Finally, let's class this thing up a bit...Enjoy the games!

Live (Again)...Newbomb Turk Memorial Library (NFL Notes-Week 6)

    This week in the ongoing Dress Code debate at our High School the administration took exception with girls' shorts that feature mildly suggestive phrases across the backside like "Juicy" or "Hot Stuff" which I find unfortunate since I noticed I've been getting more reading done since that style trend took hold.

    Secondly to the several students who called me out over last week's pic of WCW valet Major Gunns because the name "Tylene Buck" was printed in the corner I say...seriously, did you think her mother named her "Major Gunns"? Federal education standards my ass...there are definitely Some Children (that should be) Left Behind.

NFL Notes
--When the current Mrs. Kris Humphries was working her way through the "Entertainers/Athletes" section of Who's Who of the NAACP in the wake of Hurricane Katrina a joke circulated that "Kim Kardashian had screwed more black men than FEMA."
    Now I have no idea how the suffering of the people of New Orleans could've been better alleviated, but I certainly would've started by not naming my Arabian horse-loving, drinking buddy head of an agency charged with attending to the victims of major natural disasters. Similiarly if I were an NFL coach I wouldn't let my 13 year Offensive Line coach talk his way into becoming my Defensive Coordinator, but that's exactly what Eagles HC Andy Reid did this offseason.
    Last week we mentioned Nnandi Asomugha's signing in relation to Philly's defensive collapse this year, but his lack of impact is just a symptom. The real germ at the heart of this disease has to be DC Juan Castillo. In the constantly shifting and aggresively mobile world of NFL assistant coaching staying an OL coach in one place for 13 years often doesn't so much indicate success as much as the fact that your banging your head against a glass ceiling like you were appearing in a Quiet Riot video filmed at the pyramid in front of The Louvre. So far this year the Eagles rank #26 in points allowed, 30 in passing TDs allowed, 30 in rush yards allowed and have forced a meager 5 turnovers. They now need to go 9-2 the rest of the way to finish 10-6 which is still no guarantee of reaching the playoffs and may be down to only two healthy offensive tackles suiting up today. So the heat is on the coaching staff in Philadelphia as they travel to Washington, but in Juan Castillo's favor if somebody has to take a bullet for you it's nice to have Andy Reid to stand behind.

This shot looks more like the "Bears" than the Eagles...not that there's anything wrong with it.

--If you're holding Peyton Manning on your Fantasy roster in the hopes he'll return this year give up the ghost, guy. When Colts owner Jim Irsay announced this week that he believes Manning will still suit up at some point this year it was obvious he may be more committed to the narcotically enhanced Beat Generation lifestyle than just paying $1M for the original scroll manuscript of Jack Kerouac's On The Road. Bringing back Manning prematurely on this 0-5 sinking ship is akin to the average, blue collar guy slapping a diamond ring on his wife after 5 kids and 30 years of marriage. Neither of you is going anywhere and it's time to accept the fact that "I'm fat, you're fat, I'll see ya around the kitchen" and save your assets for another day. See you in 2012 Peyton.

--The big news that isn't this week is that Tim Tebow is the new starter in Denver. It "isn't" news because Denver is on Bye, but many eyes will be focused on his performance at Miami next week. While we have mixed feelings about Tebow's chance for long-term success we do believe he should get a chance now rather than later.
    Looking at a slate of starting QBs this week that includes Curtis Painter, Matt Moore, Rex Grossman and Colt McCoy is like taking in the exotic dancers at a Bayonne (NJ) strip club-you quickly become aware that there's just not enough hot ones to meet the demand. Now Tebow is no NFL passer right now, but who cares. Listening to Terry Bradshaw is often like trying to decipher the dialogue in an episode of Hillbilly Handfishing, but he does know QB technique and feels that over time Timmy T's elongated throwing motion can be corrected enough to make him a vertical threat. Until then we hope the Broncos staff let's him do what he does best which is improvise and run (injury threat be damned).
    Sadly, however, we still have night sweats over our first round selection of Kordell Stewart at our Fantasy Draft in 1998. The year prior K-Stew ran for 11 TDs, threw for 21 and led the Steelers to a 13-3 record. The next he was asked to be something he wasn't, more of a pocket passer, and while he ran only slightly fewer times than the year before it was mostly in desperation as his rush TDs dropped to 2, his pass TDs to 11 and I ended with Tony Banks under center in a season that was no Fantasy.
    HC John Fox is a safe distance from Bill Walsh, but here's hoping more creative minds prevail and Tebow's put in the best position to succeed based on his current array of talents because like a pregnant go-go dancer Brady Quinn is next up on the dance floor/depth chart.

Another Bronco fan swelling with pride over their young QB!

--Quick Hits...I once said of QB Charlie Whitehurst that he's "bad, not Sofia Coppola in The Godfather III bad, but more like Keanu Reeves in, well, anything bad". Next week he gets the start for the injured Tavaris Jackson in Seattle and the thought of betting opportunities abounds...After throwing 25 TD vs. 6 Ints. last year Josh Feeeman's ratio stands at 3-6 already in 2011. Which reminds us of no one so much as David Garrard who was a miraculous 18-3 on 335 attempts in 2007 only to throw fewer TDs and 13 and 10 Ints. respectively in 2009/10. Today he sits home while Matt Moore prepares to start Monday for Miami a comparison that may not bode well for the much ballyhooed Tampa Renaissance...When former Colt D-lineman Artie Donovan sacked Detroit QB Bobby Layne to open the second half of a game in the late 50's he was hit with the overpowering smell of alcohol. Donovan immediately assumed the hard-living Layne "musta been out all night drinkin'" to which Layne replied, "what makes you think I didn't have a few at halftime." Amen brother and now on to the picks.

--Once in the 80's Fred of "Fred's Picks" on these pages lost 14 straight NBA games to the bookie. When he called up the next night he was told there were no NBA games scheduled, but there were lines on the NHL. Fred demurred, however, explaining, "NHL? What the Hell do I know about hockey!?" I offer this as background before delivering his pick of the day which is New Orleans at -6.5 (Record: 1-1 to date). As for my selections last week we were suckered in worse than the people who buy into those ads on the right-hand side of every sport site that guarantee "Amazing Muscle Growth In Older Men" above a picture of some geezer's head photo shopped on to a 25 year-old juiceheads body when we took Philadelphia over Buffalo. Fool me once shame on me, fool me twice...ah screw it, Philly -3 over what I still say is an overrated Redskins team. Throw in Baltimore -7 (John Harbaugh 3-0 ATS off a bye) and the Giants bouncing back at -3 over Buffalo.

Finally another well-endowed British girl...I mean who's even noticing the bad teeth?

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Old school wrestling at "Crimson Mask" and "Seminal Sluts" titles, Erin Andrews at "Something In The Way She Says Gamecocks" and Lenny Dykstra at "Dumbest Guy In The Room"