Happy Sailors Dancing On A Sinking Ship

    For those who have sent along birthday wishes...thanks! And to answer the question no I do not get ripped off by having my birthday on December 25th. Years ago I came up with the plan of witholding my gift to anyone who does not give me two in return. Now if we could only get the NCAA to adopt this +1 approach, well...

Oh and before I forget...Happy Birthday to friggin' me...


    Funny how it always takes the school's annual Symphonic Holiday Concert to remind me just how many Oriental students we actually have enrolled. But hats off to them for finding time in their schedules between Forensics Club, Model U.N., AP Chemistry, Girl's Volleyball and re-taking the Driver's License test over and over. I guess it's true what they say...there's always room for cello.

    Plus for the students who asked here are my Top 6 reasons for not participating in our pre-break Pajama Day II: 6. My "slanket" was in the wash...5. I was previously told I could not "dress for the job I want"...4. Two words: Nocturnal Emission...3. I sleep in the nude and there'd have been no winners there...2. Minus the chip crumbs that was what I slept in the night before...and...1. I have enough trouble staying awake there the way it is.

    And lastly is there anyone more annoying than those Tailgating Guys in the Mobile 3G commercials who are on top of everything with their phones. What happened to the goal in life being to be left the f--- alone. Makes you long for the days of the old Joe Friday Dragnet rotary phone where when a girl gave you her number you'd have to weigh how attractive she was against how many 8's, 9's and 0's were in her number to decide whether it was worth calling her back. Or better yet the even older Andy Griffith two-handed phone where it was worthless calling those 976 sex lines because the girl would ask you to touch yourself and you'd have to rub up against a wall because you didn't have a hand free...oh right football, here we go...

CFB
--George Carlin used to say he didn't eat tomatoes because while they look nice on the outside when you bite into one inside it appears to be still in the larval stage...which is kinda how I view Rutgers HC Greg Schiano. There's no doubt Schiano has done yeoman's work in taking a program that many we're saying should drop down to the FCS level and turning it into a viable FBS team. And on the outside everything looks great what with brand new multi-million dollar facilities, strong recruiting and several minor bowl appearances. But on the inside, i.e. game day, things are not quite so rosy. Despite the successful records Jersey Greg has proven time and again to be a poor in-game coach who hasn't been able to get over the hump and break through to a top tier bowl despite having a lot of NFL level talent (check your favorite team's roster) in an extremely weak BCS conference.
    Nothing proves this better than his astounding 0-11 record versus West Virginia, the team to beat in the post Miami (FL)/Virginia Tech Big East. This year Rutgers not only succumbed to the Mountaineers again, but with the conference title still in reach may have delivered the signature loss of the Schiano era when they fell to then 4-6 Connecticut and retread coach Paul Pasqualoni 40-22 in their season finale.
   Which all brings us to our Bowl selections and "Fred's Picks" Early Bowl Lock-Iowa State +2 over Rutgers in the Dec. 30 Pinstripe Bowl. And while we're at it let's also give you the BeyondTheBets.com top Bowl Underdog plays of Iowa +14 over Oklahoma and Washington +9.5 over Baylor. In the former the Hawkeyes coach Kirk Ferentz is 7-2 ATS in Bowl Games including 5 outright wins in 7 games as a Dog and catches a banged up Sooner team that thought they'd be playing for the National Title before a late season swoon. As for the Huskies the key may be underrated HC Steve Sarkisian who in his brief tenure in the great Northwest has gone 5-0 SU/ATS in games in which he has had more than a week to prepare including a 19-7 upset of Nebraska as an 11.5 point Dog in their bowl last year.
    So to recap our Bowl plays so far are Iowa State +2 (Fred's Pick), Florida St. -3 (my pick), Washington +9.5 & Iowa +14 (BeyondTheBets) and Oklahoma State -4 (my pick). God Bless Us All...Everyone!

NFL
--The comedian Nick DiPaolo in discussing elderly women who opt for plastic surgery points out that if you're going to get your face tightened don't forget about the area below your chin lest you wind up with the forehead of a 16 year-old girl and the neck of Snapping Turtle. The NFL equivalent of this oversight appears to be the Chicago Bears.
    Now I'm no huge fan of Jay Cutler or Mike Martz but through the first 10 games of the season they were clicking well enough to combine with their Top 10/Brian Urlacher-lead defense to make Da Bears a serious Super Bowl contender. In all Chicago's O topped 30 points in 6 of 10 tries and their record stood at 7-3 before Cutler went down for the year. And this is where GM Jerry Angelo needed to go to work.
    You see unlike the nursery in Eric Clapton's apartment the window of opportunity in the NFL doesn't stay open forever (too soon?). With a huge decision/investment to be made concerning Matt Forte and Urlacher/Peppers not getting any younger Angelo needed to opt for more Botox or at least a cheap turtleneck to cover up the turkey-neck that is Caleb Hanie at QB and at least get the Bears to the Playoffs where maybe Cutler could be resurrected for one good run.
    It didn't happen and after close losses to the defense-less Raiders and the Tyler Palko-led Chiefs Marion Barber did his best Schleprock/Weeble impression as the unluckiest guy not to fall down at Denver and the pooch was screwed. Had Angelo swung a deal for Kyle Orton (he couldn't beat the Chiefs on the waiver wire) or trolled for a Seneca Wallace or some other competent place holder who knows what might have happened. Sunday night ex-Raider castoff Josh McCown starts against Green Bay and can pretty much not help but being an improvement, yet alas it appears the Atlanta and Detroit wins last week will have the Bears on the outside looking in. Another plastic surgery disaster that could make even Suzanne Somers sad.

Actually this might be the kid from Mask, I really didn't check it thoroughly...

--Two weeks ago people said we were on crack for picking the Seattle Seahawks to make the playoffs. First let me say I would never smoke anything that is named after a part of my ass and second it should be noted that Pete Carroll's crew currently stands at #7 in the NFC with the best chance to get to the Big Dance if Atlanta or Detroit stumble.
    The Falcons play Tampa Bay at home the final week so they're basically in, but the Lions may still have problems. First off they get the red-hot Chargers today at home before finishing at Green Bay. Neither of those are sure things even if last week's loss means the Pack rests their starters, as extreme cold and snow could still be an issue for the Dome-bound Detroiters. Meanwhile Seattle gets San Francisco today and Arizona in the finale. It's still a longshot that needs tiebreaker help, but hey the Lions have had exactly two kickers (Eddie Murray, Jason Hanson) in the last 31 years and if that could happen why the Hell not this?

 How old am I on this Birthday? Let's just say my first thought on seeing this picture was..."she's just asking for back problems".

--In a day of many big games the biggest may be the virtual playoff elimination matchup between the Jets and the Giants. A lot has been made in recent weeks of Tom Coughlin's abysmal 2nd half record with New York and certainly that is something to be considered. But remember the Giants did have a heckuva 2nd half run in winning the Super Bowl in 2007 and a quick perusal of their sked from November on this year indicates they may have an excuse for their recent troubles.
    Starting on 11/6 the Gi'nts faced N.E., S.F., Phi., N.O., G.B., Dal., Was. That's 5 division leaders among their 7 opponents and 2 of those games they won. On the other hand the Jets over this same period took on Buf. (twice), N.E., Den., Was., K.C., Phi. with wins coming only over the injury-riddled Bills, the Palko-led Chiefs and the Redskins. Of the three common opponents in those games (N.E., Phi., Was.) both the New Yorkers went 1-2 but the Giants were outscored only 44-60 while the Jets put up 69 points but were garretted for 101 against.
    It's hard to look worse than Eli and the Giants did last week, but Off The Marky Mark Sanchez and the Jets gave it a helluva try in Philly. Fred and I are off this one, but if you're inclined toward investing here keep the recent scheduling dichotomy in mind before plunging ahead.

--Fred's Pick is back to a normal font after last week's Jets play, but he still stands at a profitable 7-4-1 on the year. Today's advice is to go with the hot hand of Kyle (Don't Call Me Ol' Ace) Orton and the Chiefs at -2 over Oakland. And after a week off we're back on the bandwagon here. Orton finally gives the Chiefs a reasonable offensive prescence that even Matt Cassell didn't provide and the defense under Romeo Crennel has held division leaders Green Bay, Pittsburgh and Denver all under 20 points in recent weeks. Oakland's playoff hopes were crushed like Giles Corey at the Salem Witch Trials with Detroit's miracle comeback last week and now they must venture to Arrowhead Stadium a setting known league-wide for being more hostile than the Double Deuce bar in Roadhouse. K.C. pressured Aaron Rodgers into a mere 80.1 QB Rate last week. They should have even more success against an interception-prone Carson Palmer today. Good luck.

--According to BeyondTheBets today's top public plays are Carolina over Tampa, San Diego over Detroit and San Francisco over Seattle which to me is stunning in that Denver over Buffalo is not on that list. Has the public decided to pull a Jim Rockford and tuck and roll their way off the Tebow bandwagon after one loss? Versus a team on an 8 game, haven't even been close, losing streak? Even though Denver lost last week we were impressed that Tebow didn't go in the tank like the Detroit start, but played his game-passing a little, running for 93 yards and two TDs and putting up a reasonable 23 points. It was the defense that let them down, but against Tom Brady and the Pats that's to be expected. Denver is -2.5 in Buffalo and while we lean that way our official play will be the Seahawks +1 over the 49ers in Seattle. It's difficult to run on a Pete Carroll D and that's what S.F. wants to do. Additionally, the Niners have played only 3 road games in their last 8 winning once at John Beck's Washington against 2 losses. Add in an over-inflation in the public eye because of a Monday win over Pittsburgh in a game where Ben Roethlisberger was limping like he just had a 3 way with Bill Conlin and Jerry Sandusky and the Seahawks look like a hot team that is under the radar in this one. Finished...literally!

Seriously, why would you ever work...

A Two Pack Habit And A Motel Tan

    Now that I'm done bunching up phlegm like a Yiddish Cantor we can move on to more important issues like...Once you've lost it is it possible to find your virginity again? I'm not saying it's been awhile, but last week I found myself e-mailing our local paper wondering why they no longer list the heights and weights with the All-County Girls' sports teams. I can't make it on just the head shots alone.

    But moving on thank you to my 3rd Period class for the personalized Christmas gift. Nothing says you look like a disoriented alcoholic with a busy schedule quite like a monogrammed flask. Well at least I know someone is reading the blog.

    And finally are we done with the interminable Peanuts Christmas Specials anyway. A Charlie Brown Christmas, It's Christmastime, Charlie Brown, Charlie Brown's Christmas Tales, You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown...enough already. How 'bout making It's Called Alopecia, Charlie Brown. I mean he's 8 years old and has a hairline that makes Homer Simpson look like Ross from Friends...alright I'm better now, so let's get to football...

CFB
--This year's College Coaching Carousel reminds me of the movie Good Will Hunting where we are supposed to be excited because the lead character forsakes a life of fame and fortune to chase after his true love. But when it turns out that it's Minnie Driver's moon-face that has hit his eye like a big pizza pie...well, that's annoying.
    Similiarly CFB writers are trying to stir up enthusiasm over the offseason hirings of retreads like Charlie Weis (Kansas) and Rich Rodriguez (Arizona) or unproven newcomers like Kevin Sumlin (Texas A&M) or Larry Fedora (North Carolina), but I'm not buying it. For my money though the offseason hire that may have the biggest immediate impact is one that has surprisingly flown under the radar-Mike Leach at Washington State.
    Leach,as you may remember, was fired at Texas Tech for treating Craig James' son's concussion symptoms by keeping him locked in a closet like the love child of Anne Frank and Elian Gonzalez. One high profile lawsuit later and Leach was in the analyst booth, but it can't tarnish his record in Lubbock. Over 10 seasons Leach went 84-43, never missed a bowl and twice had the Red Raiders ranked in the Top 10 reaching as high as #2 in the latter half of the 2008 season.
    The only problem was Leach's squads perenially fell short against the bigger, faster Blue Chip-laden powerhouses at Texas, Oklahoma and Nebraska against which he went 9-17. In the Pac-12 however this shouldn't be as much of a problem. This year the conference could not even fill its bowl allottment and with LaMichael James moving on at Oregon, Stanford finding itself Luck-less and USC still dealing with the Reggie Bush probation 2012 doesn't figure to be a dominant year out West.
   The Cougars went a mere 4-8 in 2011, haven't topped .500 since 2003and will be breaking in an untested sophmore under center next year. But Leach has turned skinny nobody QBs like Kliff Kingsbury and Graham Harrell into NCAA record breakers so the potential is there for a turnaround in Pullman. They won't be BCS bowling, but still keep Washington State in mind as a potential play-on team in 2012. It's not worth chucking a Nobel Prize for, but even Minnie Driver's good for a roll in the hay every now and then.

Turning round a program like Washington State is never pretty.

--On the list of the worst people of 2011 there's the New Jersey couple who had the youngest of their three children taken away when it was discovered he was named Adolph Hitler Campbell and then there's Todd Graham.
   Last week Graham was named head coach of Arizona State after only one year at Pittsburgh in a move that could make Bobby Petrino look like George Halas.
    Making this doubly bad is that Graham also pulled the same one and done stunt at his first job as HC of Rice which he left to take the job at Tulsa where he lasted a whopping 4 seasons before heading to Pitt. You can read all the ugly lies and promises here http://rivals.yahoo.com/ncaa/football/news?slug=pf-forde_graham_quits_pitt_asu_121511 and while we see a possible "Rise of the Third Tyke" in New Jersey Graham better hope he hits it big in the desert as his sincere then see-ya act will only last as long as he's a big winner.

--In case you missed it the Bowl season started yesterday and continues ad nauseum through mid-January. Fred of Fred's Picks will be tossing out an occasional play, but beyond that and some pithy commentary when warranted we're going to stick to covering the NFL. As for our own early observations with an eye toward posted lines we see two teams that we feel are outmatched physically in their games-Notre Dame and Stanford. The Irish played 2 teams this year, Michigan and USC, who could match the size speed balance of FSU and lost both, the latter badly. And while Florida State has no real dominant win this year they did finish up 6-1 after QB E.J. Manuel got healthy in mid-October with their only loss coming by 1 point to Virginia in a sandwich game between rivals Miami (FL) and Florida. The line currently stands at FSU -3.
   And in the same vein Stanford proved to be little more than the right arm of Andrew Luck as they cruised through an embarrasingly easy early season slate only to get pole-axed for 103 points by the two most physically talented teams on their slate, USC and Oregon. Oklahoma State would be in the National Championship game, but for a inexplicable stumble vs. Iowa State and their survival in the high-flying Big 12 proves they have the speed that the Trojans and Ducks used to dominate Stanford offensively. The numbers are Okie State -4/74 in what could be the wildest shootout this side of a Slim Dunkin video set.

NFL
--First let me step out character to say thank you Tim Tebow for some exciting football...crappy football, yes...but nonetheless exciting.
    Today Yahoo! Sports among others is billing the Pats-Broncos matchup as the Game of the Week and why not. There are plenty of other important tilts with playoff implications galore, but things won't be right in the world until we can explain or explain away this whole Tebow/Bronco mania.
    Now usually I'm pretty good at this. Sure I overthink often and miss the obvious, but if it requires going outside the proverbial box I'm in my realm. For example when the answer was Ralph Manicotti in the Jeopardy! category Sitcoms everyone immediately thought "Who is Ralph Kramden's upstairs neighbor?" while I went with "What do the Olsen Twins do after eating Italian food?" An off-beat, but I'd argue equally correct response. Still there's really nothing I can come up with to justify this 6-1 Denver run other than coincidence meeting pure luck meeting shitty opponents in a house of cards that will come down sooner rather than later.
    At 4 today in Denver we predict that collapse will come at the hands of Belichick and Brady. And if you're worried about the Pats D that got lit up for 463 yards by Rex Grossman and Washington last week don't be. First off the Patriots defensive problems come against the pass, but while Ron Jaworski was the Polish Rifle Tebow is more of the Mile High Musket taking his time between shots and ineffective at long range. Against the run New England is 11th overall and has held 8 of 13 opponents under 100 yards. Figure Belichick has some schemes prepared to mess up the spread-option and he may even have been preparing ahead of time which may explain the lackadaisacal effort vs. the Redskins.
    The line is N.E. -7.5 and we'll have our pick below, but I don't care how much Tebowing the folks in Denver do this gridiron version of the Loaves and Fishes ends today.

Frankly it's late and I just liked this girl...yeah like I'm worried about sounding creepy at this point.

--FRED'S PICK: And at 7-3-1 we're giving him all caps. Today's selection is the Jets +3 and for once in recent weeks we are skeptical. We agree the Jets should be able to move the ball via the ground on Philly, but after back-to-back weeks of 30+ points it just feels like Mark Sanchez is ready to go in the tank today. We thought we'd find some sort of home/away stat that would back this up, but we couldn't. Call it a hunch similiar to how we feel about the possibility of Michael Vick creating problems with his legs like Tebow did to the Jets late in the Thurday night game a few weeks back. Still Fred's on fire and we've been stabbing wildly so place your rooting interest accordingly.

--Today according to BeyondTheBets the public is pounding Green Bay and New Orleans. The Pack over K.C. is hard to argue with, but the Saints have had their road woes this year barely slipping past Carolina and losing outright to Tampa and St. Louis. They also get rival Atlanta next week with the division title on the line so don't discount Minny +7 or +8 there. Also remember Seneca Wallace starts today for Cleveland and while he's no long term fix he does have mobility and a career 80+ QB rate neither of which Colt McCoy possesses to this point so the hot Arizona Cardinals may not be a sure thing today. As for us New England and buy the hook down to -7. I can't keep writing about Tim Tebow every week. Hungover and humiliated.

Big Boobed Brits...when all else fails!

My Dinner With Dahmer-NFL Notes Week 14

--We're back and thanks for all the well-wishes. If you want to know what the congestion of pnuemonia feels like imagine waking up in the morning with someone sitting on your chest...and not in the good way. But enough about me.

--Actually I should be out fighting the Mall hordes to make up for lost Holiday shopping time, but I just couldn't leave my (m)any fans sans a scintillating soupcon of sports sarcasm...and plus I'm outta Pepper Spray. Not to mention that hating everyone has it's advantages...I mean is it the 24th yet? Well, then I've still got time.

Fortunately this wasn't my nurse or I'd still be sick...I'd have made sure of it. Plus I woulda had the Doctor toss in a vasectomy just for the shave.

--Also a quick note to the Salvation Army. You're doing God's work, really, but you might wanna take a moment to re-think the whole bell ringing thing. Every once in a while to let folks know you're there is fine, but when you're sending Otis The Drunk from Andy Griffith out there like Quasimodo on Meth you're not making any friends. I haven't seen anyone ringing bells like that since John Byner in the "Mr. O.M. Weight Loss" episode of The Odd Couple (your welcome readers AngMute, JeffMess and MooseAllen) so how 'bout giving a hungover Wal-Mart shopper a break and maybe I'll throw ya a Sacagawea some time...Lord knows nobody else wants 'em.

--And finally what was Wipeout thinking letting Jill Wagner get away. What's the point of watching anymore? Building giant contraptions to hit over-enthusiastic, do-gooders in the nuts is kinda like watching the Riddler on Batman try to kill the Dynamic Duo. I have a gun and it's called You Tube for this type of thing where I know there's always a skateboarder trying to slide down a metal railing seconds away.

Yeah, like I was watching to hear John Henson's witty comments...

CFB
--The big coaching news comes out of Kansas, of all places, with the hiring of ex-Golden Domer Charlie Weis as Jayhawks head coach. I guess this is a coup for a school that has never been a football power and has long played Andrew Ridgeley to the basketball teams' George Michael if I may be so bold as to bring down the testosterone levels with a WHAM! reference.
    But frankly I don't see what all ths fuss is about. It would appear Weis is simply playing the Dan Ackroyd role in a CFB version of Trading Places while guys like Kevin Sumlin (Houston to Texas A&M) and Larry Fedora (Southern Miss to North Carolina) get the Eddie Murphy treatment. And for good reason.  A cursory look at the records shows that Weis' supposed prowess as a Head Coach is seemingly made up like Sasquatch or the Palestinians, say. In 5 years at ND Weis turned in a .565 winning pct. which is .18 lower than his two predecessors Bob Davie and Ty Willingham.
   The big problem for Weis would seem to be recruiting. In his firt two years in South Bend, using predominantly Willingham recruited players, Chunky Charlie coaxed a 69-14 ratio out of Brady Quinn and two 1000 yard campaigns out of Darius Walker while producing a 19-6 record and two BCS Bowl appearances. Over the next three years with his own recruits Weis went 16-21 with one postseason trip to the lowly Hawaii Bowl.
    Charlie Weis can coach some offense and his Kansas teams will probably be immediately more competitive for it, but if you can't get kids to come to a school that has it's own exclusive Network TV contract luring 'em to Lawrence won't be as easy as getting Billy Ray Valentine in the back of the Duke Brothers limo...Whiskey!!

--Sometimes it's good to clean up the crap about you. I've learned that taking out the electric shaver attachments and doing a little "man-scaping" always makes things look bigger...um...I mean better down there, but, of course, this can backfire.
    So if you're unhappy with this whole LSU-Alabama rematch in the Championship game put the blame on Colorado (and Nebraska). You see when those teams bolted the Conference Formerly Known As The Big 12 officials were fine with it. Nebraska was seen as ungrateful and well the Buffaloes recent performances had just become embarrassing. The real problem though was not replacing them thereby leaving the conference with 10 teams and ineligible to stage a Championship game.
    Going into the last week of the season (Army-Navy notwithstanding, but do read John Feinstein's A Civil War for a good take on that series) Oklahoma State trailed the finished for the year Crimson Tide by .0839 in the BCS standing. Their win over Oklahoma earned them .0753 points to pull within .0086 points of the #2 spot. Certainly if they had played and beat 10-2 Kansas State in a Conference Championship game they would have earned more than that and we'd be saved from potentially another single-digit duel between the SEC rivals. Plus it's very unflattering to have to wear little pieces of tissue down there when you cut yourself...or in other words less ain't always better.

NFL
--Even before the 2008 Lions yet within the modern era of Pro Football, which I define as the period after the last team named the Steamrollers went under, there was a winless team. It was the 1976 expansion Tampa Bay Buccaneers who not only went 0-14 in their inaugural campaign, but took a twelve loss run at back-to-back winless seasons before winning their last two in 1977. I bring this up because today the Colts will almost certainly fall to 0-13 at Baltimore and QB Dan Orlovsky will move one step closer to the ignominious ground held by Brodie Croyle when he falls to 0-9 as a starter thereby needing one more loss to tie the former Savior of Kansas City.
    So can the Colts match the Lions and Bucs? It would certainly seem they're in the running with games versus playoff contenders Tennessee and Houston at home before finishing at Jacksonville. We believe they'll have a real shot in at least one of thse games and will come out 1-15 so if you're into those kind of exotics it could be worth a flier. What bothers us most though is the lack of humor that HC Jim Caldwell has displayed throughout a situation that has obviously turned from sad to sublime so here's a few quotes from the anti-Bill Belichick of the coaching fraternity Tampa's John McKay circa 1976:

(On his kicker claiming to have a bad training camp because McKay's watching made him nervous) "That's too bad because I plan on attending all the games."

(On his postgame speech following a 41-0 loss) "I told 'em forget about it. There's 3 billion people in China who don't even know this happened. Then this morning I get three calls from Peking saying, 'Coach, what the Hell happened out there?'"

(After their first win in 1977) "Three or four plane crashes and we're in the playoffs!"

RIP Coach...

--In the "Homerpalooza" episode of The Simpsons Homer is confused when intoduced to a band performing with the festival- "Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins"..."Uh...Homer Simpson, smiling politely". But it's left to Bart to sum up my thoughts on much of that eras music when he tells Corgan that becoming rich for playing sad, I-hate-the-world music for teenage kids is like shooting fish in a barrel. Which is similiar to the reason I never purchased Pink Floyd's "The Wall" album. I mean after the nuanced brilliance of "Comfortably Numb, "Money", "Have A Cigar" and the rest the second I heard them scream "Hey Teachers leave those kids alone" it all seemed too easy. Not to mention I developed a theory that the song was just a ripoff of "Dust in the Wind", but that got me beat up once in Auto Shop so let's just leave it there.
    Still the easy way is not always the best way or correct way as Jason Garrett found out last Sunday with a chance to go up 2 games in the NFC East seemingly his teams' for the taking. Now first off, yes, icing your own kicker is akin to betting $1 under the lowest bid in Contestant's Row on The Price Is Right, but that notwithstanding the bigger, and mostly, unreported blunder (the game announcers did not comment on this) was made before Dan Bailey even set foot on the field.
    With 24 seconds left and two timeouts Dez Bryant catches a first down making pass to the Arizona 31, but instead of calling timeout which would give his offense potentially two more plays to improve FG position Garrett takes the easy way out having Romo clock the ball at 8 seconds and sending in Bailey for the inevitable post-time out miss. Considering he's an undrafted 23 year old rookie it might've been wise to let your veteran QB take a couple shots short with a timeout still in hand.
    But if Garrett needed a lesson in this type of timidity he needed to look no further than hot-seated Norv Turner the previous week. In virtually the same scenario vs. Denver the Chargers had the ball 1st and 10 at the Bronco 35 needing just a FG to win. Journeyman Nick Novak had previously missed a 48 yarder so it would seem to behoove Turner's troops to get another 1st down and take some of the risk out of the attempt. Instead Norvell had his offense come out in a tightly bunched run formation at which point Denver brought everyone into the box and shut down the subsequent 3 run plays for zero yds. and the 53 yard attempt by Novak was worth watching not because it had a chance, but to see a man's face (Turner) as the last floater of his head coaching career circled down the toilet.
    But maybe this is why Garrett and Turner are under fire and GB HC Mike McCarthy is living large. When the Pack found thmselves 1st and 10 at the NYG 29 with 44 seconds left in a tie game he didn't run down the clock and hope for a 47 yarder even though his kicker is the All-Pro Mason Crosby. Instead he threw to a RB for -1, but didn't panic and threw again this time getting an 18 yard hookup that basically won the game.
    I'm not expecting coaches to go all Tin Cup everytime they get in these situations. Sometimes it's good to lay up and live for another day. Still if it's my job I'm putting it on the back of Tony Romo and Philip Rivers before Dan Bailey and Nick Novak everytime, but, hey, that's just me.

--Back in the day I was always more of a Bailey Quarters than Jennifer Marlowe man on WKRP IN Cincinnati and I think time and plastic surgery debacles have proven me right. I couldn't find a current picture of Jan Smithers, but I'll go in blind with her at this point.

    Earlier this year we touted Dallas even at 2-3 to win the NFC East and even before that told Fantasy folks to trade whatever it took to get Rob Gronkowski and we think these against the grain predictions have pretty much panned out. So for our Playoff stunner we're going to go with 5-7 Seattle to reach the Big Dance.
    Now this is a longshot, but after looking at the Wildcard field of NYG (or possibly Dallas), Atlanta, Detroit and Chicago there's no reason to think the Seahawks can't get in the mix for 1 of the two spots. First off let's toss the deadweight of the Bears overboard. The Giants and Dallas could cancel each other out into at best a 9-7/8-8 season for one and if that one is the Giants Seattle has the tiebreaker. If we put Atlanta in that leaves Detroit. The Lions sked starts out fine today home vs. banged up Minnesota, but then turns trickier than a discount prostitute with games at Oakland, home to what might be a resurgent San Diego and at Green Bay who might give it their all if a 16-0 season is on the line. Meanwhile Pete Carroll's Crew has St. Louis at home today, at Chicago, home vs. S.F. who may be locked in at that point and resting players and finally at Arizona. In the last 4 weeks their defense, Carroll's specialty, has picked it up allowing only 15 ppg and if it weren't for the surprising loss to Washington or having to start Charlie Whitehurst in an ugly 6-3 loss to Cleveland they'd be sitting at .500 right now.
   We're not riding the Tavaris Jackson bandwagon by any stretch, but I gotta write something here and in a conference (NFC) where everyone outside of Green Bay is redefining mediocrity for a generation that never heard The Little River Band this guess is as good as any.

--Fred's Pick: Yes at 6-3-1 we're "bolding" it. Plus we like today's selection which is San Diego -7 over the fading like Andre Agassi's hairline (I know I broke an unwritten Guy's Rule by mentioning it) Buffalo Bills. As for my pick I'll go with Denver -3 in Mile High.

Recently released former WWE Divas Champion Maryse Ouellet...something tells me she'll land on her feet.

Now off to mix up a Toddy like Dad used to make...where'd I put that bottle of Rye again...

You Can Really Taste The Kale!

    Kevin Meaney's mom used to say never leave the house without a hat on because 95% of your body's heat leaves thru your head...so never point your bare head at anyone, you can severely scald them. It's adivice I forgot to heed and now I have pnuemonia or The Consumption, as my grandmother used to call it, which I believe is the same thing though I'd have to look somewhere between the Bloody Flux and The Grippe in my 1890 Medical Dictionary to be sure. Either way this week's post is cancelled until I'm able to take a breath without it sounding like the L Train is rumbling through my chest. So until next week the high school humor is on hiatus, but hopefully Fred's pick and the Bimbos Du Jour will tide you over until Week 14.

    Today's Fred Pick (5-3-1) is Miami -3 over the Raiders as he'll ride the hot hand of Matt Moore, a line I had to type with a pencil in my mouth since my fingers kept rejecting it like a bad liver. And now for something totally usual...

And yet right now I all I'm interested in is where's the Amoxicillin...hopefully it's nothing that and 14 hours of Football can't cure. See ya next week...if I make it that far...