One For My Horses...Snoopy And Prickly Pete

    RIP to Cream bassist Jack Bruce who passed away at age 71. I once played "Tales of Brave Ulysses" for a gym full of 5th graders and 3 heads exploded. A true psychedelic rock God...

Considering the copious drugs it too to write tunes like "Anyone for Tennis" or lines like "...but the rainbow had a beard!" it's amazing he lasted this long really.

 

    Is anyone else getting a visual of Jerry Jones in his luxury box screaming today like a frustrated Sheldon Cooper of The Big Bang Theory..."WEE-DON!!" But time for this...

 

SIDES (21-17): Tampa Bay +7.0; Houston +2.5; Jets +8.5; Arizona +1.5; Minnesota -1.0

 

TOTALS (33-20-2): Was./Min. Over 44.0; T.B./Cle. Under 44.0; Phi./Hou. Under 48.0; S.D./Mia. Under 45.0; ST.L./S.F. Over 44.0; Bal./Pit. Under 47.0

 

A bit dog-ish, a tad under-ish...they are what they are...

 

A Little Strong But Good

    To quote the late, great George Costanza (he died when Jason Alexander got that hair weave), "We're back, baby!" After that hard to swallow 4-8-1 we went 9-4 last week...I think it was the mango...and we're back with these for your perusal...

SIDES (18-15): Pittsburgh +3.5; Buffalo +3.0; Oakland +6.5; Cincinnati +2.5; Philadelphia +1.0

TOTALS (30-18-2): Min./T.B. Over 43.0; Mia./Jac. Over 42.5; St.L./K.C. Under 44.0; Sea./Car. Under 45.0; Oak./Cle. Under 44.0

For what they're worth...

Another Day, No More Dollars

    Losing out on one winner due to a Pick 6 in the last 20 seconds (Den./NYJ) is heartbreaking. Losing out on 3 winners because of a second Pick 6 in the final 20 seconds is kinda like being in prison in New Hampshire and having to stamp out "Live Free Or Die" on license plates all day...It's cruel and unusual. We went from 7-6 or 6-6-1 to 4-8-1 sadly.

    The system we used is Value-based which is why we are often contrarian to public handicappers. This week there are quite a few contrarian plays, but we are concerned the method may be understating the ineffectiveness of QBs Teddy Bridgewater and Charlie Whitehurst (oh, it thinks they're bad, but maybe unable to fathom just how bad). To date we are 39-29-1 overall. Let's see how today plays out before we start tweaking the parts. Here they are...

SIDES (15-13): Oakland +3.5; Minnesota +6.5; Tennessee +6.0; Cincinnati +3.5; Miami +3.0

TOTALS (24-16-1): Ten./Was. Under 46.5; N.O./Det. Over 46.5; Mia./Chi. Under 48.0; Atl./Bal. Under 50.0; Cle./Jac. Over 44.5; Cin./Ind. Under 50.5; Min./Buf. Over 43.5; NYG/Dal. Over 47.0

Do as you wish with these...

Mama's On Pills, Daddy's Over The Hill (NFL Week4)

Another day and no more dollars, but before we list the picks...

YOUTUBE DISAPPOINTMENT ALERT: The old "Houston Oilers #1" song is not as jubilantly whimsical as I remembered it...you know, just mentioning it...

NOTE: Today's selections lean to the highly contrarian side...if that's yer kinda thing...

SIDES (5-7): Minnesota (+4.0), Tennessee (+7.5), Tampa Bay (+7.5), Houston (-2.5)

TOTALS (16-9-1): Buf./Hou. Under 44.0, Jac./S.D. Over 44.5

Best of luck and that type-a thing...

Giving A Crippled Crab A Crutch (Week 2)

Now that summer is gone one of the things I miss is the sound of the Ice Cream Truck coming through my neighborhood. I mean I just can't get enough of a xylophone version of "Turkey in the Straw" being played ad nauseum on a continuous loop...and besides that dessert just tastes better when it's served by a pedophile.

But enough of that...Here's today's slightly contrarian based picks-

SIDES (4-2): NY Giants PK, Detroit +2.5

TOTALS (5-4-1): KC/DEN under 50.5, STL/TB over 37.5, ATL/CIN under 48.5, DET/CAR over 43.5, NO/CLE over 48.5, MIA/BUF under 42.5, NYJ/GB under 46.5

One Hand Holds The Bottle, One Hand Holds My Shame

...and no that is not a description of how I spent my New Year's Eve. In fact, aside from it being the alcoholic version of Amatuer Night, I generally stay in on NYE since I prefer, as George Thorogood once put it, to drink alone. I will not add the superfluous next line to that song since saying you "drink alone" already implies you're "all by myself", but then again I guess I shouldn't expect Bob Dylan "Desolation Row"-like lyrics (why were Ezra Pound and T.S. Eliot fighting in the Captain's Tower again?...you know what we'll discuss it later...) from a man who had a Cult Hit with a song titled "One Scotch, One Bourbon and One Beer". Still I've always found that chorus the laziest lyric since The Scorpions rhymed "here I am" with "hurricane"...and suddenly I'm starting to think maybe I should get out among people at least a little on these occasions. So moving on to...

Baylor-Washington...if you've been reading this blog from the beginning of the season you know that I don't find these wild shootouts to be "Instant Classics" and this one was no different. Seeing these offenses going up and down the field at will was like waiting for a contestant to miss a question on The Joker's Wild. It's just too easy. Now I know I'm a glass half empty kinda guy to begin with, but could these defenses at least mix in a third and long every now and then to make it difficult. If I wanna see hopeless I'll challenge my Special Ed. class to spell the word "Colonel" again...nobody got past the first "o".
    But then again maybe I'm just angry because I had Washington +9 as they became the first underdog in 56 non-overtime games to score 50+ points and not cover the spread. Like I tell my Genocide Studies class after assigning them the classic Rwanda history We Wish To Inform You Tomorrow We Will Be Killed With All Our Families...it's hard to get happy after that one. Though now that I think of it that's kinda implied in the title.

Nope...Washington +9 still hurts!

   Overall the bowl picks posted on these pages didn't fare much better. My selection of Florida State -3 survived over Notre Dame despite the best efforts of the FSU head coach who decided to go for two twice in the first minute of the fourth quarter, failed both times, and thereby nearly shoved pointspread victory into the jaws of defeat. I thought we put this problem to bed quite eloquently in our "Two Point Conversion Decisions Are Time Sensitive" article from September, but then again I shouldn't expect much from an adult who goes by the name Jimbo.
    In the other plays BeyondThe Bets.com's Underdog specials on Washington and Iowa got reamed by two long, spread covering TD runs by favorites who were in "need one more 1st down to run out the clock" mode. The latter play coupled with Fred's Pick of Iowa State in the Pinstripe Bowl left us feeling like we just got f--ked by the entire state of Iowa...kinda like Michelle Bachmann.
    We still have one play left on Oklahoma State -3.5 over Stanford in the Fiesta Bowl. And whether you follow these picks and analysis or "fade" them bigger than a '80s Kid & Play haircut check back as the Bowls run through January 9th and we'll try to provide more posts, picks and pre-pubescent humor along the way.

NFL
--A lot of things are disappointing. The people who frequent nude beaches, for example, are seldom the people you want to see with their clothes off in any setting let alone beneath the unremitting glare of the sun and having been to several Melissa Etheridge/Indigo Girls shows I can tell you unequivocally that lesbians don't generally look like they do in pornos or on The Howard Stern Show. But these things notwithstanding the AFC West this year has bummed me out.
    Now I thought the 7-9 Seattle Seahawks making the playoffs last year was the saddest thing I saw since I watched the manager at our local Dollar Store spill mustard on his tie then take it off and hang it on the rack for sale, but the clusterf--k that takes place today between Oakland, Denver, San Diego and Kansas City is like watching Tara Reid do Shakespeare.
    Briefly put the Broncos take the division with a win or a Raiders loss while the Raiders need both a win and a Broncos loss to get the #4 seed. Even worse is the fact that if the Bengals lose to Baltimore one of these trainwrecks could easily wind up with a Wild Card berth as the #6 seed where they'd get to face the fading, Tyler Yates-led Texans. All the scenarios are available here http://sports.yahoo.com/nfl/news;_ylt=AmrG_3kh7GboIRsnz7_COtRDubYF?slug=ys-nfl_playoff_picture
    So what's gonna happen? Well last week we analyzed heck outta the NYG-NYJ matchup by comparing second half schedules and noting that the Giants slate was predominantly more difficult than the Jets thereby hiding the true talent levels of the two teams. Here it's hard to do the same since as division mates these teams have all played similiar skeds and all been terrible in their own way until it's like comparing apples to even crappier apples.
    For the Chargers and Raiders the problem is defense. In San Diego Norv Turner has always been an offensive guy and since he's all but out the door his defenders have little reason to put forth more than a cursory effort as they showed in Detroit last week. Meanwhile the Raiders have gone 2-3 in their last 5, but during than span their stop troops have been pounded like a baby photographer at Bjork's house. Their only wins coming courtesy of 3 Caleb Hanie interceptions and the Chiefs scoring a mere 13 points on 489 yards of offense which is the NFL version of showing up at Courtney Love's house with a fistful of Vicodin and not coming home with chlymidia. The number here is 48.5 and we'd lean heavily toward an over it weren't for the Raiders Red Zone problems and Phillip Rivers 2011 penchant for untimely INTs.
    In the other game the bloom came off the rose for Tim Tebow last week, but it's more the return of Kyle Orton for K.C. that has us leaning toward the Chiefs in Mile High. Kansas City has put up over 400 yards offense in both of Orton's starts and while he may not be outwardly bitter over his demotion/release by John Elway I'm sure he's a little more focused than usual. As for Tebow his poor effort against a banged up, seive-like Bills squad doesn't bode well for a strong performance vs. a D that has held 4 of it's last 5 oponents under 16 points including the Steelers and Packers. We see a Chiefs upset here so the onus will be on the Silver and Black to keep Al Davis' legacy alive and Bill Maher's tweeting fingers busy in Oakland.

What?...you want captions?...listen I'll pull the whole thing right now...

--As for the other AFC games with make or break playoff implications the Jets are at Miami clinging to the tiniest of hopes their season will continue. Fred's Picks are now at 7-5-1 (NFL only) and on a 2 game slide, but we have to concur once again with his selection which is the Dolphins -3. The loss to the Giants last week sent the J-Men's camp into disarray. Offensively there is talk of firing OC Brian Schottenheimer, overhauling the O-Line and committing more to the running game. But as my High School baseball coach told me when I tried to break an 0-17 slump by switching bats every time I came up...sometimes it's not the bow, it's the Indian. And in the NFL the Big Chief is the QB and quite frankly Mark Sanchez ain't exactly Crazy Horse at Little Bighorn. It appears Rex Ryan is gonna ride it out with the Overthrowin' Trojan for the foreseeable future, but with his D not playing up to the dominant levels of his first years in NY the chance to play for the big prize may be slipping farther and farther away.

--As for the Bengals they have done great things this year, but the fact remains that they have exactly one win over teams with winning records this year (24-17 at Tennessee). Still they lead the Titans, Jets, Raiders and Broncos by one game and with all those teams Dogs or small favorites today they could still sneak in even if they fall to the Ravens. And in fact drawing the Ravens in Cinncy as opposed to say Pittsburgh may actual be a minor break since Baltimore has enjoyed the road this year about as much as Syd Barrett registering losses to Tennesse, Jacksonville, Seattle and San Diego away from the Land of the Crab Cake. Still it would seem Tennessee playing away against the locked in and resting their starters Houston may have the best chance at stealing the #6 seed...so why is nobody talking about Mike Munchak as AFC Coach of the Year material?

--Finally the big one is Sunday Night with Dallas at the Giants. We're running late so see last week's post for our NYG analysis. On the flip side the Cowboys have won once in their last 4 and that was against the "Wake Me When This Is Over" Buccaneers, they have a slightly banged up QB, a shaky secondary and everything to lose here. We're no big Giant fans, but if their winning allows us to see plenty of shots of an egomaniacal, pompous ass like Jerry Jones squirm then what can we say but...G-I-A-N-T-S (sorry 'Boys fans).

--Oh yeah, our pick is Chiefs +3.

    Check back periodically for Bowl and Playoff bits. It's been a tolerable ride...and from me that's a rave...thanks for playing. B-E-E-R...what a good idea!!

Seriously, Lingerie Football's not catching on?...That's a head scratcher...Stop that. I mean it the other way...

Happy Sailors Dancing On A Sinking Ship

    For those who have sent along birthday wishes...thanks! And to answer the question no I do not get ripped off by having my birthday on December 25th. Years ago I came up with the plan of witholding my gift to anyone who does not give me two in return. Now if we could only get the NCAA to adopt this +1 approach, well...

Oh and before I forget...Happy Birthday to friggin' me...


    Funny how it always takes the school's annual Symphonic Holiday Concert to remind me just how many Oriental students we actually have enrolled. But hats off to them for finding time in their schedules between Forensics Club, Model U.N., AP Chemistry, Girl's Volleyball and re-taking the Driver's License test over and over. I guess it's true what they say...there's always room for cello.

    Plus for the students who asked here are my Top 6 reasons for not participating in our pre-break Pajama Day II: 6. My "slanket" was in the wash...5. I was previously told I could not "dress for the job I want"...4. Two words: Nocturnal Emission...3. I sleep in the nude and there'd have been no winners there...2. Minus the chip crumbs that was what I slept in the night before...and...1. I have enough trouble staying awake there the way it is.

    And lastly is there anyone more annoying than those Tailgating Guys in the Mobile 3G commercials who are on top of everything with their phones. What happened to the goal in life being to be left the f--- alone. Makes you long for the days of the old Joe Friday Dragnet rotary phone where when a girl gave you her number you'd have to weigh how attractive she was against how many 8's, 9's and 0's were in her number to decide whether it was worth calling her back. Or better yet the even older Andy Griffith two-handed phone where it was worthless calling those 976 sex lines because the girl would ask you to touch yourself and you'd have to rub up against a wall because you didn't have a hand free...oh right football, here we go...

CFB
--George Carlin used to say he didn't eat tomatoes because while they look nice on the outside when you bite into one inside it appears to be still in the larval stage...which is kinda how I view Rutgers HC Greg Schiano. There's no doubt Schiano has done yeoman's work in taking a program that many we're saying should drop down to the FCS level and turning it into a viable FBS team. And on the outside everything looks great what with brand new multi-million dollar facilities, strong recruiting and several minor bowl appearances. But on the inside, i.e. game day, things are not quite so rosy. Despite the successful records Jersey Greg has proven time and again to be a poor in-game coach who hasn't been able to get over the hump and break through to a top tier bowl despite having a lot of NFL level talent (check your favorite team's roster) in an extremely weak BCS conference.
    Nothing proves this better than his astounding 0-11 record versus West Virginia, the team to beat in the post Miami (FL)/Virginia Tech Big East. This year Rutgers not only succumbed to the Mountaineers again, but with the conference title still in reach may have delivered the signature loss of the Schiano era when they fell to then 4-6 Connecticut and retread coach Paul Pasqualoni 40-22 in their season finale.
   Which all brings us to our Bowl selections and "Fred's Picks" Early Bowl Lock-Iowa State +2 over Rutgers in the Dec. 30 Pinstripe Bowl. And while we're at it let's also give you the BeyondTheBets.com top Bowl Underdog plays of Iowa +14 over Oklahoma and Washington +9.5 over Baylor. In the former the Hawkeyes coach Kirk Ferentz is 7-2 ATS in Bowl Games including 5 outright wins in 7 games as a Dog and catches a banged up Sooner team that thought they'd be playing for the National Title before a late season swoon. As for the Huskies the key may be underrated HC Steve Sarkisian who in his brief tenure in the great Northwest has gone 5-0 SU/ATS in games in which he has had more than a week to prepare including a 19-7 upset of Nebraska as an 11.5 point Dog in their bowl last year.
    So to recap our Bowl plays so far are Iowa State +2 (Fred's Pick), Florida St. -3 (my pick), Washington +9.5 & Iowa +14 (BeyondTheBets) and Oklahoma State -4 (my pick). God Bless Us All...Everyone!

NFL
--The comedian Nick DiPaolo in discussing elderly women who opt for plastic surgery points out that if you're going to get your face tightened don't forget about the area below your chin lest you wind up with the forehead of a 16 year-old girl and the neck of Snapping Turtle. The NFL equivalent of this oversight appears to be the Chicago Bears.
    Now I'm no huge fan of Jay Cutler or Mike Martz but through the first 10 games of the season they were clicking well enough to combine with their Top 10/Brian Urlacher-lead defense to make Da Bears a serious Super Bowl contender. In all Chicago's O topped 30 points in 6 of 10 tries and their record stood at 7-3 before Cutler went down for the year. And this is where GM Jerry Angelo needed to go to work.
    You see unlike the nursery in Eric Clapton's apartment the window of opportunity in the NFL doesn't stay open forever (too soon?). With a huge decision/investment to be made concerning Matt Forte and Urlacher/Peppers not getting any younger Angelo needed to opt for more Botox or at least a cheap turtleneck to cover up the turkey-neck that is Caleb Hanie at QB and at least get the Bears to the Playoffs where maybe Cutler could be resurrected for one good run.
    It didn't happen and after close losses to the defense-less Raiders and the Tyler Palko-led Chiefs Marion Barber did his best Schleprock/Weeble impression as the unluckiest guy not to fall down at Denver and the pooch was screwed. Had Angelo swung a deal for Kyle Orton (he couldn't beat the Chiefs on the waiver wire) or trolled for a Seneca Wallace or some other competent place holder who knows what might have happened. Sunday night ex-Raider castoff Josh McCown starts against Green Bay and can pretty much not help but being an improvement, yet alas it appears the Atlanta and Detroit wins last week will have the Bears on the outside looking in. Another plastic surgery disaster that could make even Suzanne Somers sad.

Actually this might be the kid from Mask, I really didn't check it thoroughly...

--Two weeks ago people said we were on crack for picking the Seattle Seahawks to make the playoffs. First let me say I would never smoke anything that is named after a part of my ass and second it should be noted that Pete Carroll's crew currently stands at #7 in the NFC with the best chance to get to the Big Dance if Atlanta or Detroit stumble.
    The Falcons play Tampa Bay at home the final week so they're basically in, but the Lions may still have problems. First off they get the red-hot Chargers today at home before finishing at Green Bay. Neither of those are sure things even if last week's loss means the Pack rests their starters, as extreme cold and snow could still be an issue for the Dome-bound Detroiters. Meanwhile Seattle gets San Francisco today and Arizona in the finale. It's still a longshot that needs tiebreaker help, but hey the Lions have had exactly two kickers (Eddie Murray, Jason Hanson) in the last 31 years and if that could happen why the Hell not this?

 How old am I on this Birthday? Let's just say my first thought on seeing this picture was..."she's just asking for back problems".

--In a day of many big games the biggest may be the virtual playoff elimination matchup between the Jets and the Giants. A lot has been made in recent weeks of Tom Coughlin's abysmal 2nd half record with New York and certainly that is something to be considered. But remember the Giants did have a heckuva 2nd half run in winning the Super Bowl in 2007 and a quick perusal of their sked from November on this year indicates they may have an excuse for their recent troubles.
    Starting on 11/6 the Gi'nts faced N.E., S.F., Phi., N.O., G.B., Dal., Was. That's 5 division leaders among their 7 opponents and 2 of those games they won. On the other hand the Jets over this same period took on Buf. (twice), N.E., Den., Was., K.C., Phi. with wins coming only over the injury-riddled Bills, the Palko-led Chiefs and the Redskins. Of the three common opponents in those games (N.E., Phi., Was.) both the New Yorkers went 1-2 but the Giants were outscored only 44-60 while the Jets put up 69 points but were garretted for 101 against.
    It's hard to look worse than Eli and the Giants did last week, but Off The Marky Mark Sanchez and the Jets gave it a helluva try in Philly. Fred and I are off this one, but if you're inclined toward investing here keep the recent scheduling dichotomy in mind before plunging ahead.

--Fred's Pick is back to a normal font after last week's Jets play, but he still stands at a profitable 7-4-1 on the year. Today's advice is to go with the hot hand of Kyle (Don't Call Me Ol' Ace) Orton and the Chiefs at -2 over Oakland. And after a week off we're back on the bandwagon here. Orton finally gives the Chiefs a reasonable offensive prescence that even Matt Cassell didn't provide and the defense under Romeo Crennel has held division leaders Green Bay, Pittsburgh and Denver all under 20 points in recent weeks. Oakland's playoff hopes were crushed like Giles Corey at the Salem Witch Trials with Detroit's miracle comeback last week and now they must venture to Arrowhead Stadium a setting known league-wide for being more hostile than the Double Deuce bar in Roadhouse. K.C. pressured Aaron Rodgers into a mere 80.1 QB Rate last week. They should have even more success against an interception-prone Carson Palmer today. Good luck.

--According to BeyondTheBets today's top public plays are Carolina over Tampa, San Diego over Detroit and San Francisco over Seattle which to me is stunning in that Denver over Buffalo is not on that list. Has the public decided to pull a Jim Rockford and tuck and roll their way off the Tebow bandwagon after one loss? Versus a team on an 8 game, haven't even been close, losing streak? Even though Denver lost last week we were impressed that Tebow didn't go in the tank like the Detroit start, but played his game-passing a little, running for 93 yards and two TDs and putting up a reasonable 23 points. It was the defense that let them down, but against Tom Brady and the Pats that's to be expected. Denver is -2.5 in Buffalo and while we lean that way our official play will be the Seahawks +1 over the 49ers in Seattle. It's difficult to run on a Pete Carroll D and that's what S.F. wants to do. Additionally, the Niners have played only 3 road games in their last 8 winning once at John Beck's Washington against 2 losses. Add in an over-inflation in the public eye because of a Monday win over Pittsburgh in a game where Ben Roethlisberger was limping like he just had a 3 way with Bill Conlin and Jerry Sandusky and the Seahawks look like a hot team that is under the radar in this one. Finished...literally!

Seriously, why would you ever work...

A Two Pack Habit And A Motel Tan

    Now that I'm done bunching up phlegm like a Yiddish Cantor we can move on to more important issues like...Once you've lost it is it possible to find your virginity again? I'm not saying it's been awhile, but last week I found myself e-mailing our local paper wondering why they no longer list the heights and weights with the All-County Girls' sports teams. I can't make it on just the head shots alone.

    But moving on thank you to my 3rd Period class for the personalized Christmas gift. Nothing says you look like a disoriented alcoholic with a busy schedule quite like a monogrammed flask. Well at least I know someone is reading the blog.

    And finally are we done with the interminable Peanuts Christmas Specials anyway. A Charlie Brown Christmas, It's Christmastime, Charlie Brown, Charlie Brown's Christmas Tales, You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown...enough already. How 'bout making It's Called Alopecia, Charlie Brown. I mean he's 8 years old and has a hairline that makes Homer Simpson look like Ross from Friends...alright I'm better now, so let's get to football...

CFB
--This year's College Coaching Carousel reminds me of the movie Good Will Hunting where we are supposed to be excited because the lead character forsakes a life of fame and fortune to chase after his true love. But when it turns out that it's Minnie Driver's moon-face that has hit his eye like a big pizza pie...well, that's annoying.
    Similiarly CFB writers are trying to stir up enthusiasm over the offseason hirings of retreads like Charlie Weis (Kansas) and Rich Rodriguez (Arizona) or unproven newcomers like Kevin Sumlin (Texas A&M) or Larry Fedora (North Carolina), but I'm not buying it. For my money though the offseason hire that may have the biggest immediate impact is one that has surprisingly flown under the radar-Mike Leach at Washington State.
    Leach,as you may remember, was fired at Texas Tech for treating Craig James' son's concussion symptoms by keeping him locked in a closet like the love child of Anne Frank and Elian Gonzalez. One high profile lawsuit later and Leach was in the analyst booth, but it can't tarnish his record in Lubbock. Over 10 seasons Leach went 84-43, never missed a bowl and twice had the Red Raiders ranked in the Top 10 reaching as high as #2 in the latter half of the 2008 season.
    The only problem was Leach's squads perenially fell short against the bigger, faster Blue Chip-laden powerhouses at Texas, Oklahoma and Nebraska against which he went 9-17. In the Pac-12 however this shouldn't be as much of a problem. This year the conference could not even fill its bowl allottment and with LaMichael James moving on at Oregon, Stanford finding itself Luck-less and USC still dealing with the Reggie Bush probation 2012 doesn't figure to be a dominant year out West.
   The Cougars went a mere 4-8 in 2011, haven't topped .500 since 2003and will be breaking in an untested sophmore under center next year. But Leach has turned skinny nobody QBs like Kliff Kingsbury and Graham Harrell into NCAA record breakers so the potential is there for a turnaround in Pullman. They won't be BCS bowling, but still keep Washington State in mind as a potential play-on team in 2012. It's not worth chucking a Nobel Prize for, but even Minnie Driver's good for a roll in the hay every now and then.

Turning round a program like Washington State is never pretty.

--On the list of the worst people of 2011 there's the New Jersey couple who had the youngest of their three children taken away when it was discovered he was named Adolph Hitler Campbell and then there's Todd Graham.
   Last week Graham was named head coach of Arizona State after only one year at Pittsburgh in a move that could make Bobby Petrino look like George Halas.
    Making this doubly bad is that Graham also pulled the same one and done stunt at his first job as HC of Rice which he left to take the job at Tulsa where he lasted a whopping 4 seasons before heading to Pitt. You can read all the ugly lies and promises here http://rivals.yahoo.com/ncaa/football/news?slug=pf-forde_graham_quits_pitt_asu_121511 and while we see a possible "Rise of the Third Tyke" in New Jersey Graham better hope he hits it big in the desert as his sincere then see-ya act will only last as long as he's a big winner.

--In case you missed it the Bowl season started yesterday and continues ad nauseum through mid-January. Fred of Fred's Picks will be tossing out an occasional play, but beyond that and some pithy commentary when warranted we're going to stick to covering the NFL. As for our own early observations with an eye toward posted lines we see two teams that we feel are outmatched physically in their games-Notre Dame and Stanford. The Irish played 2 teams this year, Michigan and USC, who could match the size speed balance of FSU and lost both, the latter badly. And while Florida State has no real dominant win this year they did finish up 6-1 after QB E.J. Manuel got healthy in mid-October with their only loss coming by 1 point to Virginia in a sandwich game between rivals Miami (FL) and Florida. The line currently stands at FSU -3.
   And in the same vein Stanford proved to be little more than the right arm of Andrew Luck as they cruised through an embarrasingly easy early season slate only to get pole-axed for 103 points by the two most physically talented teams on their slate, USC and Oregon. Oklahoma State would be in the National Championship game, but for a inexplicable stumble vs. Iowa State and their survival in the high-flying Big 12 proves they have the speed that the Trojans and Ducks used to dominate Stanford offensively. The numbers are Okie State -4/74 in what could be the wildest shootout this side of a Slim Dunkin video set.

NFL
--First let me step out character to say thank you Tim Tebow for some exciting football...crappy football, yes...but nonetheless exciting.
    Today Yahoo! Sports among others is billing the Pats-Broncos matchup as the Game of the Week and why not. There are plenty of other important tilts with playoff implications galore, but things won't be right in the world until we can explain or explain away this whole Tebow/Bronco mania.
    Now usually I'm pretty good at this. Sure I overthink often and miss the obvious, but if it requires going outside the proverbial box I'm in my realm. For example when the answer was Ralph Manicotti in the Jeopardy! category Sitcoms everyone immediately thought "Who is Ralph Kramden's upstairs neighbor?" while I went with "What do the Olsen Twins do after eating Italian food?" An off-beat, but I'd argue equally correct response. Still there's really nothing I can come up with to justify this 6-1 Denver run other than coincidence meeting pure luck meeting shitty opponents in a house of cards that will come down sooner rather than later.
    At 4 today in Denver we predict that collapse will come at the hands of Belichick and Brady. And if you're worried about the Pats D that got lit up for 463 yards by Rex Grossman and Washington last week don't be. First off the Patriots defensive problems come against the pass, but while Ron Jaworski was the Polish Rifle Tebow is more of the Mile High Musket taking his time between shots and ineffective at long range. Against the run New England is 11th overall and has held 8 of 13 opponents under 100 yards. Figure Belichick has some schemes prepared to mess up the spread-option and he may even have been preparing ahead of time which may explain the lackadaisacal effort vs. the Redskins.
    The line is N.E. -7.5 and we'll have our pick below, but I don't care how much Tebowing the folks in Denver do this gridiron version of the Loaves and Fishes ends today.

Frankly it's late and I just liked this girl...yeah like I'm worried about sounding creepy at this point.

--FRED'S PICK: And at 7-3-1 we're giving him all caps. Today's selection is the Jets +3 and for once in recent weeks we are skeptical. We agree the Jets should be able to move the ball via the ground on Philly, but after back-to-back weeks of 30+ points it just feels like Mark Sanchez is ready to go in the tank today. We thought we'd find some sort of home/away stat that would back this up, but we couldn't. Call it a hunch similiar to how we feel about the possibility of Michael Vick creating problems with his legs like Tebow did to the Jets late in the Thurday night game a few weeks back. Still Fred's on fire and we've been stabbing wildly so place your rooting interest accordingly.

--Today according to BeyondTheBets the public is pounding Green Bay and New Orleans. The Pack over K.C. is hard to argue with, but the Saints have had their road woes this year barely slipping past Carolina and losing outright to Tampa and St. Louis. They also get rival Atlanta next week with the division title on the line so don't discount Minny +7 or +8 there. Also remember Seneca Wallace starts today for Cleveland and while he's no long term fix he does have mobility and a career 80+ QB rate neither of which Colt McCoy possesses to this point so the hot Arizona Cardinals may not be a sure thing today. As for us New England and buy the hook down to -7. I can't keep writing about Tim Tebow every week. Hungover and humiliated.

Big Boobed Brits...when all else fails!

That's Not Right...More From A Big Pants Family (NFL-Week 7)

    Sorry for the lateness of this post, but it was a rough night. Suffice it to say if an officer pulls you over in the wee hours of the morning for weaving it's not advisable to put on an Elmer Fudd voice and declare, "of couwse I was weaving da baw's cwosed." Where has this country's sense of humor gone?

    In other news...Miss Iceland 1974 Catherine Greig received her $2M reward this week for supplying the FBI with information that led to the capture of fugitive Whitey Bulger who, I believe, was either a mob boss or Ireland's #1 Porn Star, I'm not sure which...Also in California the state has revoked funding to a Suicide Hotline that is thought to have ties to Al Qaeda though for my money it sounds like a case of just matching people with a need...And finally goodbye to the Dictator of Many Spellings, Moammar K/Kh/C/Qaddafi. Now as soon as the markets open Monday someone remind me to sell my Jheri Curl stock.

NFL NOTES
--To some extent I guess I'm a child of the '80s. I still roll up the sleeves on my sportcoat, wonder when they're going to remake Jake and the Fat Man and scream out like the old man in the Thomas Dolby video every time I hear the word "Science" which working in a High School is, sadly, a lot. One thing, however, I did overcome is my Buddy Ryan/1986 Bears obsession with the non-stop, all out blitz. In fact I can pinpoint the exact moment it died as coming during a 76 yard bootleg TD run in 1995 against Ryan's Arizona Cardinals by Chiefs QB Steve Bono that is so slow that if you get lined up properly with the horizon you can time it with a Chronometer (see here http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-7636492405319981257#).
    Today's complex offenses with their speed, motion, cut back plays and misdirection require a DC to take a more comprehensive approach to play calling that utilizes a variety of packages. Still one thing was abundantly clear as I watched the Giants-Bills game last week and that is in 3rd and medium to short yardage you have to rush more than three.
    Last week Chan Gailey's clearly overmatched group nearly stole a victory from New York at The Meadowlands by virtue of two big plays and a dink-and-dunk offense that could make Chad Pennington seem like Darryl Lamonica. In the aforementioned 3rd down situations the Giants continually rushed 3 perhaps wary of giving up another 66 yard catch and run as they had in in the first quarter only to see Bills' receivers settle into vast open pockets just beyond the markers for easy pitch-and-catch first downs. Putting 8 in coverage and still having receivers be wide open is kinda like the Steve Miller Band hibernating in the studio for 6 years only to release Abracadabra...what's the point. May as well send another rusher or two in hopes of hurrying the throw, getting a sack or a batted ball.
   Or in other words the days of the "Blitz 'em all and let God sort 'em out" D is gone, but for the love of God don't go back to the Tom Bass (S.D.)-Rod Rust (Den.) days of all out "Read and React." Thanks.

People say this site is all about the boobs...This should show 'em...

--Speaking of the Bills see the Michigan/Rutgers/Georgia Tech analysis section of yesterday's CFB post for difficulties encountered by teams that can't stretch the field. HC Gailey has done a magnificent job with the Buffalo offense, but while Ryan Fitzpatrick is a solid game manager his arm has all the strength of last night's Chow Fun. If it weren't for R-Fitz underthrowing two deep open receivers resulting in turnovers the Bills could be 5-1 right now. We like them versus the Miamis and Denvers of the world, but games against the Jets, Dallas and New England on the road could be Go Against situations as they're inability to stretch the field leaves them vunerable to better D's and schemes.

--In a quick note we just got "followed" on Twitter by our first actual NFL player, Green Bay Defensive End Lawrence Guy whose goes under the handle @THATGUY which I thought was reserved for Marlo Thomas's brother...but whatever...

--Fred's Picks are 1-2 as New Orleans went down at Tampa Bay last week. I personally maintain Tampa as a Go Against squad, but laid off last week as Dome teams often struggle outdoors on grass. The better play may be in two weeks when the Bucs travel to the Big Easy off a bye. As for today Fred likes Cleveland -3 over Seattle. Personally I have no feeling on this play (though my Charlie Whitehurst bashing of last week might indicate otherwise) mostly because Colt McCoy doesn't inspire much confidence in me. The happy, smiling, mop-topped, Dennis The Menace that looks out from his CBS Fantasy Sports bio reminds us of the skinny, nerdy looking lead actor in the TV show Burn Notice who is supposed to be chasing down mustachioed drug dealers and thug-like terrorists. I often ponder how such innocent, innocuous looking people could succeed in such cutthroat, macho worlds until I come to the realization that I'm actually considering picking up the Browns QB or watching more that 5 seconds of Burn Notice and I quickly move on. Wager at your own risk.

--One thing we've noticed in our gimlet-eyed view of human nature is that people "Wanna Believe". In fact it's almost as if they're saying "You Gotta Believe" until I get to feeling like it's me, the corpse of Upton Sinclair and 6.9 billion Tug McGraws in the world. Thus I feel it my obligation to nihilistically point out squads that may have gotten a false bump in the public eye from wins last week.
    Today we see a misleading trio in Chicago, the Jets and Philadelphia. As for the Bears beating the Vikings at home, no matter how bad, proves little. They say age doesn't matter these days, that 50 is the new 40, 40 the new 30, 10 the new embryo...um, I'm guessing on that last one...but frankly Donovan McNabb looked about 105 last Sunday Night. Throw in that Da Bears are only two weeks removed from a loss to Detroit in which the O-Line suffered more false starts than an ADHD 100 meter dash and this is not a club that has gotten over the proverbial hump. Similiarly the Jets were presented last week with a home game against a QB, Matt Moore, who were it not for injuries and the likes of Jake Delhomme would still be pulling clipboard splinters out of his hand every Sunday night...or in other words welcome to Miami Andrew Luck. And finally Philly nearly blew a 20 point lead due to Red Zone difficulties and turnovers until John Beck stepped out of his role as Moonpie in Rollerball (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0065183/) to QB the Redskins and save the day. The Eagles are off this week and the Bears get Tampa, but keep an eye on the Chargers as a play against the Jets...now for some picks.

Deaf Chargers cheerleader Melissa Adams. You know I notice a lot of hot women with implants aren't able to hear me. Researchers should look into that.

--Mark Twain said, "all a man needs to succeed is ignorance and confidence." We have plenty of the former, but little of the latter and the latter seems to be what's necessary in the world of wagering. Therefore it seems week in and week out our various analyses are good, but when it comes time to putting that into selections we fall to pieces, follow the public and back the Eagles. Today we'll just go with our gut and try Denver -1.5 over Miami, the Chargers in a pick over NYJ and finally Dallas to finally right the ship vs. the "I Didn't Know He Was Still In The League" A.J. Feeley-led Rams at -14. Recreational purposes...not intended to induce...don't touch Baby's college fund...and like disclaimers apply.

Alright so maybe it's a little bit about the boobs...

Follow us on Facebook or Twitter (sprtcom102). Also see our ol' school wrestling posts at the "Seminal Sluts" and "Crimson Mask" titles. Women of ESPN at "Something In The Way She Says Gamecocks". Lenny Dykstra at "The Dumbest Guy In The Room". And NY Mets jokes at "Bad Stuff 'Bout Da Mets" and "Stealing Ed Kranepool's Soap". Your the best...each and every one of you!

A Bad Liver...The Deuce (NFL Notes)

    First off a "shout out" to the makers of Depends. For years the only thing holding me back from a completely sedentary football Sunday was going to the bathroom. Now with a mini-fridge full of beer to the right of my couch, bags of chips to my left and a Depends velcro-ed in place I never have to move. Hell, I dropped a deuce about 40 minutes ago and I never felt freer. I'm nothing if not an educator...

    Next for those who took our advice on the Illinois-Arizona State game we were not trying to pull a fast one by posting the line at -2.5. It actually opened at -2 and when we posted in the A.M. it was up to -2.5 at the Hilton. Later it jumped to -3.5 or -4 and if you got it there you lost. Sorry, but remember like I tell people about my drinking these picks are for recreational purposes only.

NFL WEEK 1

--Dear God Donovan McNabb has fallen apart faster than a futon in a fat guy's house. His 76 or so yard effort was the worst performance through the air this side of Reno, but it shouldn't come as a surprise. I believe I once described Philly HC Andy Reid as less of a Chippendale and more of a Chip-A-Hoy dancer, but he can sure coach up some offense. His teams have been Top 10 in points scored each of the last 4 years and players like Ricky Watters, Duce Staley, Brian Westbrook, L.J. Smith and others have been Fantasy forces under him, Fantasy flops after moving on. This tells us that first off Reid puts his skill players in the best position possible to succeed and secondly that he knows when their effectiveness is up and jettisons them accordingly. D-Mac went from a 92.9 QB Rate his last year in Philly to a 77.1 last year in D.C.. Also at 35 he's two years past the cutoff of when QBs begin their decline according to Football Outsiders. Add in that he always was a cut below the Bradys, P. Mannings and Breeses of the world and it could be a long year for Percy Harvin and a buttload of carries for Adrian Peterson in Minny this year.

--Speaking of D.C. did Rex Grossman actually look good last week. Like another Christina Applegate sitcom you just expect Rex to come, fail and disappear like so many times before, but like the successful debut of Up All Night maybe Rexy can be viable well into the season. I say this because the usually imaginative play calling of a Mike Shanahan offense was gone on Sunday. On first down Tim Hightower was picking up ground like he was trying to take the Somme in 1916. Yet from the point at which they had a 7 point lead late in the third quarter OC Kyle Shanahan showed all the imagination of Ralph Kramden's interior designer with a predictable, clock-eating run on first down over and over again that put Grossman in 2nd and 3rd and long situations against a good NYG rush. That they got out with a 14 point win may be testament to Grossman's and the defense's improvement...or then again maybe Plaxico Burress is right about Tom Coughlin and Eli Manning. But at least it's a little interesting for Redskins fans moving forward.

Could the Redskins actually be "bursting" with potential this year?...No, I mean on the field, guy...

--My friend Fred's last 6 jobs have been for companies that went out of business. His resume makes him look like a One Man Recession and consequently he is currently unemployed. Colts HC Jim Caldwell went 26-63 as a HC at Wake Forest (12-52 in conference) yet landed a position of which there are only 32 in the entire world. Sure Wake is no CFB power, but the coach that followed him, Jim Grobe immediately reeled of two straight winning seasons and a 64-61 record overall. The old-boy coaching network has been rehashing clowns like Dan Henning, Woody Widenhofer and Jerry Glanville for years and I was certain Caldwell was of that ilk. What I forgot is that Peyton Manning could make Herm Edwards look like Pop Warner. Now, however, with Manning on the shelf possibly for the year it'll be interesting to see how Jimmy C. rallies the troops in Indy. First week? Not so good guy.

--In a similiar vein beware of QBs like Josh Freeman and Tavaris Jackson (probably didn't have to clue you in to the latter) whose college stats, both personal and team record-wise, are not that great. The poster boy for this effect is ex-Brown Derek Anderson who was anointed the next coming of Brian Sipe after half a good season in 2007. Sure at 6-6, 240 pounds Anderson looked like a stud, but as Billy Beane said about looks vs. talent in Moneyball, "we're not selling jeans here". Instead folks should've focused on the fact that Anderson completed only 50.7% of his passes and averaged 1.5 INTs a game at Oregon State. But then again this is not news to fans of the Arizona Cardinals last year.

--And since we brought up Josh Freeman we should also mention that his Bucs fall on the wrong side of one the better predictors of team fortunes in recent years. Obviously in a mere 16 game season luck can play a big part in a team's fortunes. Thus wild swings do occur in won-loss records from year to year. Since 2008 10 teams have either improved or declined by 6 or more games from one season to the next and all of those teams have gone in the opposite direction the following year (the improvers win total declining and vice versa). In fact the difference has averaged a fairly significant 3.5 gain/loss per team. From 2009 to 2010 6 teams fit this criteria: Min. -6, Car. -6, Cin. -6, K.C. +6, St.L. +6, T.B. +7. More importantly by betting on the decliners (Min., Car., Cin.) and against the gainers (K.C., St.L., T.B) last week you went 5-1 ATS with the only loser being Carolina at +6.5 losing by 7 unless of course you "bought the hook"...and if you don't know what that means please be careful treading the Offshore Wagering waters.

I couldn't find a good cheerleader pic. But remembering to check for lumps is always worth a reminder.

--The Jets won Week 1, but can someone explain why the "Overthrowin' Trojan" Mark Sanchez was allowed to heave 44 passes while a battering ram like Shonn Greene had only 10 carries. In the Redskins section of this article we called for the Shanahans to be more imaginative offensively, but that's because the Giants were moving fairly effectively against one of the worst defenses of 2010 and they needed to build their lead when the opportunity presented itself. The Jets, on the other hand, have one of the best defenses in the NFL and a strong O-Line. They can afford to pound the ball even if only to avoid turnovers, win the field position battle and hopefully reap the rewards later. Turning "Off The Marky" Mark loose in a shootout with Romo, Bryant, Austin and Witten hardly plays to your strength. Who knows maybe it was a one week experiment, maybe they learned their lesson, maybe the Uncle Buck of the Toe Suck Rex Ryan was distracted by a sandal-ed foot propped up in the first row. But please God for the sake of my Fantasy season let them come to their senses and feed Greene the rock in Week 2.

--And finally Pete Carroll and the Seahawks bring Tavaris Jackson and the youngest starting offensive line since Carolina in 1995 (their expansion year) to Pittsburgh today. In short if you have the Steelers as your Fantasy defense you win. In long (can I write that?) the Steelers are coming off a humiliating loss to Baltimore last week. In 2010 the 'Burghers lost 4 games and followed up with wins of 18, 6, 32 and 24 points with all the double digit wins coming at home. It's time to lay more wood than Tommy Lee in the Pam Anderson sex video...take the Steelers -14.

I'm disappointed...you mean they couldn't work a gun, muscle car and beer into this picture too?

Banefully, Beleagured Bets

NFL Playoff
Overall: 8-8
Sides: 6-2   Note: This goes to 9-3 if you include my Dumpster Baby aborted College Bowl selections.
Totals: 2-6

    In the "Moneyball" world of sabermetrics they call it "Regression to the Mean" or for those who can't recall their 7th grade math it's the reason a 20 HR-a-year guy like Raul Ibanez can jack 34 at age 37 then go back down to 16 (in 61 more ABs mind you) the very next year. Of course, a couple shots of Miguel Tejada's special "B-12" may have helped, but that's neither here nor there. As Dusty Rhodes once felt the need to remind Georgia Championship Wrestling fans, "there ain't a stee-roid runnin' through this body" (though it couldn't have hurt in trying to reduce that giant goiter on his stomach) and I similiarly am drug free- at least as far as the NJ Department of Education is concerned. That means I'm subject to the same "regression" that old Raul suffered in 2010 or in other words it may be time to jump on my Totals predictions and go against the Sides. You be the judge, but as always remember when you're daughter asks why she has to go to Community College don't curse my name and point to the Island of Curacao on a map.

Pittsburgh -4/38
    First let me say I'm getting a little tired of this "J-E-T-S" chant that's filling every watering hole in the tri-state area. If I want to be subjected to an Elementary spelling competition I'll turn on the Game Show Network and watch a plastic-faced Chuck Woolery and that big titted, too hot for porn, too skanky for Soap Operas bimbo host Lingo!. If you want a team cheer at least come up with something witty like the University of Texas cheer squad did when they used to play Rice University every year in the old "if you ain't cheatin', you ain't tryin'" Southwest Conference:
                
                           Texas Cheerleaders: "What comes out of a Chinaman's ass?"

                           Longhorn Fans: "Rice! Rice! Rice!"

Now that's a cheer. Nonetheless let's get to the real issue here- how will this game play out?
    As we mentioned before Rex Ryan is one of the cockiest coaches around which should come as no surprise considering he was hired by an owner named Woody Johnson (that's irony Alanis Morrisette, not a fly in your soup, that's just unfortunate). Confidence, brashness the ability to motivate a team to play beyond it's ability are great qualities in a coach, but attitude and pep talks can only take you so far past your talent level. So is today the day Rex's cockiness gets Lorena Bobbitt-ed? Sadly we think so (sorry Brian).
     Mike Tomlin may not be as colorful as the "John Kruk of the Toe Suck", but he can also coach up some D. In their November meeting the Steelers held the Jets to 276 total yards, outgained them by over 100 yards and that was without difference-maker Troy Polamalu who will play today. Additionally the Jets were not exactly Hawk and Animal (that's Road Warriors, I'm on a 1980's wrestling jag today) in the second half of the year. They should have lost back-to-back away games at lowly Cleveland and Detroit, then were demolished at New England. They righted the ship somewhat with the win in Pitt, but then were gashed for 38 points and three 25+ yard TD passes in the third quarter alone at Chicago.
    And that last point may be critical. The Bears have vertical threats in Johnny Knox and Devin Hester who hauled in those three TDs. The Colts "field stretcher" Pierre Garcon went for 117 yards in the Wild Card round, but the Patriots had no such option beyond the Methusalean Deion Branch. Pittsburgh, conversely, sports the perfect complement to cause trouble for the Jets in possesion man Hines Ward and full blown deep threat Mike Wallace. Add this to the fact that I'd much rather support Ben Roethlisberger than ride the Mark Sanchez rollercoaster (62.4 QB Rate vs. Ind., 127.3 vs. N.E.) in a big game. If the Steelers somewhat makeshift OL can play Viagra and keep Big Ben reasonably erect we like their chances against a Jet team that may have peaked for their Patriots grudge match. We'll call it STEELERS and UNDER-follow at your own risk.

Green Bay -3.5/42.5
    In the Bizarro Universe that is the parity of the NFL we have here a #6 seed on the road vs. a #2 and giving more than a FG. This is solely because the sports world at large has finally "discovered" Aaron Rodgers which creates a multi-dimensional dilemma in our thinking. Having had Rodgers on our Fantasy teams the last two years we adore him with the kind of love that's usually reserved for Rectories after Altar Boy practice. Still we hate to jump on a bandwagon because they tend to overturn with the fat, zit-faced tuba player usually landing right on top of us- metaphorically speaking. We would also love the under in Lock of the Year fashion if it weren't for that 10-3 game that might have the public leaning that way today.
    So to hell with it all. Like John Prine's protagonist in "Often is a Word I Seldom Use", I literally am "cold and tired and can't stop coughing" (damn those mucus-addled students) so I'm gonna say PACKERS and UNDER hoping that Vegas will balance the books and the aforementioned regression will rear its ugly head after the Over went 4-0 in last week's contests. Eat, drink and be nauseous- Enjoy the games!

Rex Ryan's All-Foot Fetish Squad- The Defense

If you're dropping by here for the rapier wit or, more likely, the Jennifer Walcott pics let us first say thanks and add that the Offense version is available in the previous post. Also we have old school wrestling profiles under the "Crimson Mask" and "Seminal Slut" titles as well as Mets joshing and news, notes and handicapping advice from the 2011 NFL/CFB seasons at the top of the blog. Stupid, low brow, semi-erotic...no need to thank us, this is what we do.

    Before I conclude this Saturday night like so many before- cursing Andy Samberg amidst the rubble of Meisterbrau empties then falling asleep with my hand down my pants to the Shortcut to Internet Millions infomercial like a drunken Al Bundy I believe I owe you the defense edition of Wes Welker's Rex Ryan All-Stars. Enjoy!

DE: Lester Archambeau (Atl./'90-00)- From nearby Mount Olive, New Jersey which always reminds of the joke, "Last time I went to Mount Olive...Popeye kicked the crap outta me!" I'm a simple man, really.

DT: Dan Footman (Ind./'93-98)- Had 10.5 sacks in 10 starts in '97 then played only 3 more games in the NFL due to injuries (apparently he wouldn't take "the needle" like Delma in North Dallas Forty). His player comp at Pro Football Reference is listed as Ebenezer Ekuban, a name that always makes me wonder why people in the 1800s felt the need to wear floppy, tasseled hats to bed?

DT: Loren Toews (Pit./'73-83)- Daughter owns independent label Lujo Records home to such bands as The Dark Romantics (wasn't one Romantics enough), Baby Teeth, The Out Circuit and Mouse Fire, who has been billed by the S.F. Chronicle as "a throwback to Air Supply"- a statement that has now officially replaced "at least you have your health" under the definition of "Damned By Faint Praise".

DE: Matt Toeaina (Chi./Current)- One of the seemingly inordinate number of Samoans involved in either Professional Football or Wrestling. No word on whether he's given a "Rikishi Stinkface" to any opponents yet.

LB: Larry Foote (Pit./Current)- Functional, steady, boring as all hell. Katie Holmes without the Scientology.

LB: Joe Pawelek (Sea./Current)- Academic All-American at Baylor who was lucky to just miss the Kevin Steele coaching era there. Steele is most remembered as the DL coach of the Panthers that Kevin Greene choked during a Nationally televised game, but he also committed a coaching blunder so egregious it makes Herman Edwards look like a Clock Management Maestro. In his first game at Baylor and needing simply to have his QB take a knee at the opponents 2 yard line to win the game Steele called timeout pulled his entire offense to the sideline and announced that under his tutelage Baylor didn't take a knee. Cue the Joe Pisarcik fumble and 98 yards later Steele was 0-1 on his way to 9-36 in 3 seasons. Nice job tough guy (http://espn.go.com/page2/s/list/worstdecisions.html).

LB: Na'il Diggs (St.L./Current)- Truthfully I got nothing here, but the apostrophe in the first name is a nice touch. I mean it's no tilde, German umlaut or slash through the "o" like in Soren Kierkegaard, but you take what you can get.

CB: Jacob Lacey (Ind./Current)- Apparently planned his interception return TD dance as a kid, got his chance second game in courtesy of Marc Bulger...and was promptly penalized for excessive celebration and benched by Jim Caldwell. Which reminds us that next year in the NCAA excessive celebrations after scores will result in a 15 yard penalty from the previous spot thereby nullifying the TD. I see a record breaking Steve Spurrier visor toss in there somewhere.

CB: Ashton Youboty (Buf./Current)- One of 4 current players born in Liberia. Who knew? Established in 1821 by the the Henry Clay founded American Colonazition Society on the premise that freed black slaves would have a greater chance at freedom and prosperity there. Today Liberians are fresh off nearly 30 years of Civil War and 85% of the population live on $1.25 or less a day. Or as the "Great Compromiser's" family recently announced in a press release, "Our bad."

SS: John Booty (Phi./'88-95)- Drafted out of TCU in the 10th round which harkens back to the days when the NFL draft was held in the backroom of some gin mill with no Combine, computers or even comprehensive knowledge of the players available leading teams to draft the likes of Andre the Giant (Washington Redskins) or Bruce Jenner (L.A. Rams) in some Old Grandad inspired moment of inspiration. Good times!

FS: Adam Archuleta (St.L./'01-07)- Poster child for what the ESPN talking heads have wrought on common sense. Archuleta was a workout warrior and big hitter drafted 20th overall in 2001. His occasional bone jarring tackles were repeated ad nauseum on shows like NFL Live while the fact he couldn't cover "Smoke on the Water" with a year of guitar lessons went completely unmentioned. The idea is to make Big Plays not Big Hits, but Big Hits sell so we are constantly subjected to the idea that Mark Kelso, "the other" Roy Williams and their like were stars. Archuleta cashed in on this misguided theory of talent in 2006 when Washington made him the highest paid Safety in the game. He lasted one season and brought back a 6th round pick from the Bears in a deal not unlike Felix and Oscar trading the cash for a lifetime supply of canned squid on the Monte Hall Odd Couple episode. He recently crapped out in a tryout with the Raiders, but on the bright side he married Playboy's Miss August 2001, Jennifer Walcott. According to the Playmate website (which I blame for this post being so late) Ms. Walcott dreamed of becoming a vet and poet as a child. She opted for implants out of High School, little Fido be damned, but she has released a book of her poetry though we assume by these photos that Charles Bukowski she's not...
Who needs Walt Whitman..."Leaves of Grass", my ass!

Saturday/Sunday Serendipitous Schedule

    Wes Welker's Rex Ryan All-Star Defense this afternoon (sorry for the delay, functional alcoholism happens). Plus check back Sunday for selections...We're 6-2 on sides and 9-3 that way going back to our Bowl Picks. Totals, on the other hand, have been more Sammy Hagar than David Lee Roth Van Halen going 2-6. This week though the ledgers may begin to balance and with all 4 games going Over last week (lay down Shonn Greene...no not in the End Zone, at the 5, idiot) and me having a warm defensive feeling in my gut...kinda like I just had a bowl of Wheatina...we could be looking at a Cobra Clutch meets Brain Claw meets Sharpshooter meets Figure Four Leg LOCK OF THE YEAR. Then again it could just be gas. Come back later and tomorrow to find out!

Wes Welker's Rex Ryan All-Stars

Inspired by the tongue-in-cheek press conference that got Wes Welker suspended for the 1st Quarter of Sunday's Divisional Playoff game (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0WCb17psf8A) we present a Foot Fetishists All-Pro team. Feel free to add your own ideas in the comment section. And now after a little intro music from Little Feat...here's the Rex Ryan All-Stars:

QB Archie Manning (NO/'71-84)- Peyton and Eli's daddy was a quality QB stuck on bad teams in the early years of the Saints franchise. In his 10+ seasons in the Big Easy his teams never posted a winning record. Not to mention he was never blessed with a Hakeem Nicks or Reggie Wayne to throw to. His best receiver being possession man Danny Abramowicz whose career was curtailed after suffering a severe concussion from running into a sideline TV camera which in the 1970s were approximately the size of the Space Shuttle.

QB Heath Shuler (WAS/'94-97)- Namesake of my still in the embryonic stage "Heath Shuler Theory" which states that if no quality QB enters the draft one will be made up to fill the void. Think Alex Smith 2005 here. Problem is teams at the top of the draft need QBs as the Redskins did in 1994 when they jettisoned aging Mark Rypien and his 56.3 QB Rate. This meant the team had to draft a signal caller or turn the offense over to some woman named Cary Conklin (http://www.pro-football-reference.com/players/C/ConkCa00.htm). Choosing to bypass the aforementioned Ms. Conklin the top prospect was the unpalatable Trent Dilfer and no other QB had better than a 4th round grade so Heath Shuler who had a big senior year after a mediocre junior campaign became the Mel Kiper keeper and, well, the rest is a blur of mediocrity and the rise of Gus Frerotte...'nuff said.

QB R.J. Archer (MIN/Current)- From Kansas Weselyan who I believe go by the nickname The Disease-riddled Prarie Dogs.

RB LaBrandon Toefield (JAX/'03-07)- Put in 5 solid seasons backing up Fred Taylor and Maurice Jones-Drew while throwing 2 passes to the un-Heath Shuler-like tune of a 95.8 QB Rate.

RB Jim Kiick (MIA/'68-77)- Part of the "Butch Cassidy and Sundance Kid" backfield with Larry Csonka. Famous for being caught one minute late for curfew in training camp only to turn around and head back to the bars telling Don Shula, "if I'm gonna get fined I'm gettin' my money's worth!" Jumped to rival World Football League for an anticipated big payday in 1975 only to see the league fold twelve weeks into the season. But hey those two "i"s make it a fun name to look at. Who remembers Larry Biittner?...Cincinnati Reds?...anybody?...I didn't think so.

RB Paddy Driscoll (HOF)- Hall of Famer who played for both Chicago teams (Bears and Cardinals) in the 1920's and was named All-Pro 7 times by Collyers Magazine issues of which I believe are still on the coffee table at my Grandmother's house (I enjoy the serialized Fitzgerald).

WR Devin Aromashodu (CHI/Current)- This is my favorite. Led the Bears in targets, receptions and yards Week 1. Benched Week 2. Such was my Fantasy season.

WR Flipper Anderson (RAMS/'88-97)- Three 900 yard seasons, twice led the league in yards per catch, real name Willie Lee...I hate friggin' "Fun Facts".

WR Pinky Lester (PROV/'26)- Played one season for the Providence Steamrollers as 160 pound Tackle. No relation to Fonzie's Demolition Derby partner.

TE Ben Hartsock (NYJ/Current)- How could Rexy not acquire this guy from Atlanta as soon as he got the job in 2009.

C Chris Foote (NYG/'80-90)- 10 years, 104 games, 8 starts, 2 seasons of Scott Brunner's hands up your crack, priceless.

G Socko Wiethe (DET/'39-42)- Later formed a tag team with Mick Foley/Mankind in the WWE.

G Jamie Nails (BUF '97-03)- Entered the league at 20, weighing 335 pounds. Ate his way out at 26, weighing 360...the Nell Carter of the NFL.

T Jordan Gross (CAR/Current)- Two-time Pro Bowler. Credited with 4 tackles in 9 games in 2009 which should tell you what kinda season Jake Delhomme had.

T Joe Reitz (IND/Current)- Alright, I couldn't find another Tackle, but I came across this guy who reminded me of my favorite banner ever at a sporting event. In the late 70s the baseball Cardinals had a 3B named Ken Reitz who was greeted during his first trip to the plate at Wrigley Field with a 40 foot sheet beyond the LF wall simply emblazoned  "REITZ EATS". Funny cause it's true.

DEFENSE UP TOMORROW AND WILL INCLUDE RECENT NFLer MARRIED TO A PLAYBOY MODEL...PICTURES? ALL THAT GOOGLE BLOGGER WILL ALLOW!

Garishly, Gin-Soaked Guesses

Considering last night with my colleagues featured many pints of St. James Gate's finest, a button-fly jeans snafu (the last thing I need after 11 beers is a restroom dexterity test) and the apparent karaoke-ing of "It's Raining Men" to win a bet (or at least I hope that's how those miscelleneous fives got in my pocket) I am going to keep this mercifully short.

Overall: 6-6
Sides: 4-2
Totals: 2-4

Chicago -10/43
    The Seahawks have become like every debut, popular reality show. Matt Hasselbeck is the everyman turned star, Marshawn Lynch's Saints crushing run has gone viral and even sparked a Sporcle trivia game (http://www.sporcle.com/games/Eric92/beastmode) and the bandwagon's filling up faster than the last plane out of Tunis. But like most reality shows the bloom leaves the rose pretty quickly. We're thinking Joe Millionaire 2 here (yes, they really found 20 more women to fall for that). So with that in mind we're going to make one intrepid stab at sanity and say a 7-9 team will not host a Conference Championship and take CHICAGO and UNDER.

New England -9/44
    The Pats are like the original Law & Order of the NFL. Angie Harmon is replaced by that Nazi blonde and an assortment of non-descript brunettes, Jerry Orbach dies, Benjamin Bratt is off to the straight-to-video movie world, but still they keep chugging along. Brady/Belichick are like the Sam Waterson glue holding it all together while Welker, Wilfork, Branch, Mankins, Gostkowski and assorted other bit players are the rotating array of co-workers, bystanders and witnesses who can't seem to stop unloading that truck or signing requisitions while the detectives probe them about the homicide (it's a friggin' murder put down the pricing gun for a second and answer the questions). That said I just can't buy this squad as that dominant. No Randy Moss to spread the field, an adequate, but uninspiring run game and a well coached, but not overly talented defense do not a blowout make...or at least we're thinking that way. Add to it that the 45-3 drubbing on national TV a few weeks back puts us on the contrarian side and we'll take a shot with Footsie McRyan and the boys. How's JETS and UNDER sound (yeah, I'm not so sure either). Best of luck.
"Take an inch off the back and give me the Cousin It up front"

What We Saw...WC Recaps

K.C-BAL.:
PLAY: Ravens -3/ Over 40.5 1ST QUARTER Ravens go 13 plays to the 1. Flacco fumbles, run game non-existent. Chiefs look like AFC version of Seahawks, but hold for FG...KC 3 and out, Ravens driving till Flacco fumbles...Jamaal Charles is the real deal, Top 5 Fantasy pick real, 41 yards for TD- best player/worst supporting cast since Larry Bird took Indiana State to the NCAA Final...TJ Houhmanzadeh sighting for 28, but Ravens bog down, forced into an "over-killing" punt from opponents 40...2ND QUARTER: Charles for 11, Charles for 8, Charles for 9, forget Larry Bird this is a David Robinson at Navy kinda one man show...Charles fumbles, both teams trade punts from opponents territory in what has become the football version of the 4 corners offense...Flacco to Rice for a 9 yard TD with 19 seconds and the Ravens/Over parlay has new life...halftime...3RD QUARTER Nakamura (wasn't that the second city hit by the A-bomb) intercepts Cassel, loses lateral, KC recovers and the Over goes back into hiding...4th and 1, Charles loses 4, colorman Mayock tells us "penetration is the key to stopping the run game", no sh*t...Cundiff 29 yd. FG, KC fumble, Cundiff 29 yd. FG, KC int., Flacco to Boldin TD, Ravens 23-7- it's over, but it's not OVER so we'll stick around...4TH QUARTER: Cassel has to pass, but is having as much success finding Bowe as I do with the toothbrush in the tree in Highlights magazine...Cassel to his #2 WR Kevin Curtis. Kevin "Freakin" Curtis? Dear God what an Under...Ravens go on longer march than Mao, kill 10:20 off clock before McGahee from 25 for TD...We need KC TD for the parlay, Cassel sacked, Cassel incomplete, Cassel sacked, punt- sounds about right...Ravens 30  KC 7.
FINAL THOUGHTS: KC was better than the Seahawks and playing at an equally advantageous home field which should tell you all you need to know about the dominance of the best in the AFC over the best in the NFC...The Ravens running game is like the thong drawer in Rosie O'Donnell's dresser, it doesn't exist. Forget the numbers, most of that was piled up late when the KC defense was on the field constantly and Baltimore had put up a near 2:1 advantage in plays run...Not gonna happen against Pittsburgh and James Harrison's gonna be on Flacco like Jerry Lee Lewis on a cousin. Baltimore's defense better show up big at Heinz Field.

SEA.-N.O.:
NOTE: Alright we were wrong. "Dewey Defeats Truman" wrong. Trickle-Down Economics wrong. Quincy Carter as franchise QB wrong. But the scariest part is how wrong we might be. Seattle faces Chicago this week a team they beat handily at Soldier Field at midseason. Win that and couple it with a completely plausible Green Bay over Atlanta outcome and a 7-9 team could be hosting the NFC Championship game. Do they sell Locust Insurance?
PLAY: Saints -10/Under 47...1ST QUARTER: Brees to Colston for 30, Hartley 26 yd. FG, Saints on top faster than Nathan Lane at Fire Island...Hasselbeck intercepted, Brees to Evans 1 yd. TD and this one's done faster than Minute Rice in the microwave....Seahawks answer with TD, but...2ND QUARTER: Saints drive for a Jones TD. It's still over right?...Roman Harper bites on the Medi-Alert play ("I've fallen and I can't get up") and Hasselbeck to wide open Carlson 17-14 N.O.... Seattle FG ties it then in moment that causes every NY Giant fan to flashback Brandon Stokeley beats Jason Sehorn...er...Roman Harper for a 45 yard score and it's on baby...How bad is Saints S Roman Harper? He's been lit up like Richard Pryor for three huge plays (Carlson TD, Moorah 39-yarder, Stokeley TD) and there's still 5 minutes left in the half...Credit the fans. Crowd noise causing more false starts than the ADHD 100M Dash...Saints get chip shot from Hartley, 24-20 Seahawks...halftime. 3RD QUARTER: Put the parlay in the books as Hasselbeck goes 38 to Mike Williams for TD 3 minutes in...Reggie Bush stinks, yet still looks pissed that Julius Jones is getting playing time...Seattle FG at 5:27, Saints go for it 4th and 1 at own 37 and are stuffed, then miraculously force a punt to stay alive. 4TH QUARTER: Saints get TD and FG and close the gap, problem is they've turned into an episode of Friends where for every Chandler/Joey comedy score the D plays Ross/Rachel and brings you back down...3:22 Marshawn Lynch goes 67 yards like Fred Flintstone carrying the whole Stony Rock team and the worst club in playoff history has dethroned the defending champs.
PHI.-G.B.: PLAY: Philly -2.5/Under 46. 1ST QUARTER: David Akers misses from 41 and the Under's off to a flying  start...Desean Jackson's ankle gets rolled like a drunken "John" and Philly's minus 1 major weapon less then 8 minutes in...James Starks comes out of nowhere (U. of Buffalo actually) to give GB a run game...Philly D in the Red Zone is like a balanced breakfast to Karen Carpenter- it means nothing, and Rodgers finds Tom "You Can Call Me Chubsy-Ubsy" Crabtree for 7-0 lead...Announcer calls Jordy Nelson, "crafty, steady", I guess you just can't say "he's white"...GB's James Jones has dropped more balls this year than Michael J. Fox calling Bingo, but holds on off a Rodgers scramble and Philly's in trouble 14-3...And there's Jones calling out B14 on a perfect strike from Rodgers to save our Under just before halftime. 3RD QUARTER: Rodgers fumble, Avant TD and both ends of our parlay are alive 14-10...Rodgers right back to Brandon Jackson and we're in trouble again 21-10...4TH QUARTER: Akers with more shanks than a prison riot and we'll take a split as Philly fans get restless...Starks helps GB eat clock...Vick from 1 yd. makes it 21-16, 2-pt. fails as Akers' wife slips out of stadium quietly...Last chance, but Vick intercepted in end zone looking for Riley "Steady, Crafty" Cooper instead of Jax/Maclin and it's done.
FINAL THOUGHT: Rodgers rocks, add in any semblance of a running game to go with tough D and this team could be peaking at right time.

IND.-NYJ:
PLAY Jets +2.5/Over 44.5. 1ST QUARTER: First impression is that Joseph Addai is slow. Dial up internet slow. Molina brothers slow. Bad Guy/Heel escaping a Steel Cage in Pro Wrestling slow. Let's sign 52 year old Dominic Rhodes off the UFL Florida Tuskers roster slow...LT, on other hand, looks spry going for 23 on the first drive...Shonn Greene also looks fresh, but Sanchez has overthrown Keller more times than a Central American democracy and it's scoreless end of 1...2ND QUARTER: The entire game consists of drives that stall between the 40s and lead to pooch punts. Another disaster for our Over...Finally Manning to Garcon for 57 yds. 7-0 Colts...Jets drive back, but Sanchez intercepted at goal line. This won't fly vs. the Pats...45 seconds and the great Peyton on the field and HC Caldwell runs Rhodes up the middle, more on him later. Halftime...3RD QUARTER: Jets storm out to TD 7-7...Revis has made Reggie Wayne disappear like Spearchucker Jones from M*A*S*H (did they think they'd get away with that). Does he shadow Welker or Branch if Jets advance...Colts FG 10-7, but then...4TH QUARTER: Jets go on longest drive since I was 6 and Mom made us go to Mystic Seaport (17 plays) and it's Jets back on top...Fast forward to Colts 16-14, Jets in position for 49 yard FG attempt before Caldwell inexplicably calls timeout. Jets can still run down clock, but now get an extra play. 18 yards to Edwards, FG is now chippy, Manning throws up hands and it's not a good time to be Jim Caldwell.
FINAL NOTE: Jets will play better vs. Pats this time around, but Sanchez cannot waste opportunities like this and expect Brady/Belichick to stick around. Looking forward to excellent AFC matchups next week.

One Down...More To Come

Selections: 3-5
Sides: 2-2
Totals: 1-3
Wild Card weekend is over and the Saints, Chiefs, Colts and Eagles have been bounced like Roman Polanski from a Sweet Sixteen. For our part the selections were more David Akers than Marshawn Lynch, but it wasn't a total debacle and hopefully we have a better feel with 15 or so hours of playoff watching under our belt. WC recaps, a Saturday/Sunday lookahead and more nihilistic rantings than Jared Lee Loughner's My Space page up Wednesday night.

Indianapolis Colts

GENERAL: On a winter night in 1984 the Irsay family packed the then Baltimore Colts up like the Clampetts heading to Bev-er-lee and stole away into the night as if they were Randy Quaid off to Canada with a posse of "Star Whackers" on his tail (http://theweek.com/article/index/207293/what-happened-to-randy-quaid). Since then the club has gone from the Art Schlicter/Jeff George sporting laughingstocks of the league to the Peyton Manning-led model of consistency we see today.
    Still if the recent history of the Colts were a High School romance Peyton Manning would be Phoebe Cates and the Colts' fans Judge Reinhold walking around with balls bluer than a Smurf in the Polar Bear Club. In 11 of Manning's 13 seasons Indy has reached the playoffs yet only once have they taken home the hardware for a Susan Lucci meets Alydar-like record of close, but no cigar. Of course this is a record of success any Pittsburgh Pirate fan could/will only dream of, but it does point out the difficulty of "putting it all together" in the NFL where one superstar does not a Lombardi Trophy make.
    Whether the Colts have enough to grab another brass ring in their current state or the window of opportunity is closing faster than that on the career of a post "I Will Survive" Gloria Gaynor (ironic, really) is unknown. This weekend versus Rex Ryan and Gang Green could go a long toward seeing if we have a changing of the AFC guard on the horizon.
OFFENSE: Even with Peyton the Great at the helm this offense struggled to find any kind of consistency in 2010 which is what happens when you sport a ground unit reminiscent of the Iraqi Republican Guard (which by the way differed from the late Ted Kennedy in that Kennedy had actually killed an American) and a receiver corps that looks like Little Roundtop after Pickett's Charge. Joseph Addai appears worn and slow, Donald Brown has underachieved, Dallas Clark is done for the year and Austin Collie's suffered more head trauma this season than Billy Mays and Natasha Richardson combined. In exactly half their games this year the Colts rushed for under 80 yards total and only 1 of those affairs (vs. SD) was a blowout. They just simply had more trouble opening holes than Muhammad Ali's House of Piercings going 3-5 in those games. Manning is now 34 and has never been mobile, Pierre Garcon is inconsistent, Collie/Clark won't be back and at 32 Reggie Wayne can't do it all by himself. The emergence of Jacob Tamme helps, but this group needs to run the ball to take the pressure off Peyton and an increasingly middling defense. Unfortunately in a 6 team tourney featuring the run stuffing Jets, Ravens and Steelers it seems hard to imagine a repeat of 2006.
DEFENSE: As I mentioned Indy's defense is an average bunch that finished #22 overall and is susceptible to the run giving up over 2000 yards and 14 TDs via the ground. Instead let's take a second to address the Cover-2, a defense associated with Tony Dungy and thus by proxy with the Colts. In the mid to late 90s when Dungy was employing this style to great effect in Tampa Bay it was looked at as some sort of miracle scheme that allowed safeties to roll coverage toward dangerous WRs effectively bracketing and neutralizing them. You still hear this type of talk in Fantasy circles where analysts fear superstars who get little help from teammates will get some sort of undue attention from opposing defenses. And yet year after year wideouts like Roddy White, Andre Johnson and Calvin Johnson put up monster numbers despite have the cast of the Big Bang Theory manning receiving spots alongside them. Problem is the Cover-2 is predicated on clogging the short zones with cornerbacks and linebackers and getting enough of a pass rush to force a throw before receivers can flood the deep areas. If the QB has enough time offenses are smart enough to simply run multiple receivers at the safeties (the advent of athletic TEs and slot receivers being an effective weapon here), wait for them to commit and throw the other way. With teams like Tampa in the 90's where a talented D-Line was stuffing the run and harrassing the QB this worked to perfection, in Indy the results have been more sketchy. Dwight Freeney and Robert Mathis are still causing more backfield havoc than Elton John on a drunken rampage, but a shaky run D has undermined the overall effect and the Colts finished in the lower third of the league in sacks in 2010. Can they hold down Tomlinson/Greene enough to force Sanchez into 3rd and longs and then get enough pressure to force hurried decisions? That's the question that should be critical to potentially the best matchup of Wild Card weekend.

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