Proud To Be An A$$hole From El Paso

    Will be keeping this short today after the Mexican Restaurant romp with colleagues last night. Let's just say I'm outta drinking shape for anything but beer. In fact the last time I did tequila shots and margaritas I ended up professing my undying love for the middle Hanson sibling only to find out later they were all brothers. And when did margaritas go the way of the traditional martini? Everyone they served me last night was so colorful, exotically flavored and glittery it looked like they tapped it out of Lady Gaga's ass. But who am I to complain...and moving on to some ancillary matters...

--Has A&E finally just given up and become the Storage Wars channel? It reminds me of the early days of the History Channel or as they should've called it back then-"Nazis 24/7". And if you're gonna go this way could we at least get less of fat ass Darrell in his wife-beater and more of Brandi in something low cut?

--To those who asked about it from yesterday's post it is true that Chaz Bono is shopping for a penis, but no he/she did not get it yet. My first thoughts on reading this were doesn't John Bobbitt have an extra one laying around? And secondly...are balls sold seperately?

--And finally enjoy the Bowl Game tonight...No not the National Championship game between LSU and Alabama, that's tomorrow, but the much anticipated GoDaddy.com Bowl featuring those bastions of gridiron greatness Northern Illinois and Arkansas State (see our bowl related Curse of Northern Illinois article here http://bowltilithurts.blogspot.com/2010/12/humanitarian-bowl-preview.html). Having these ridiculous 5th tier bowl games after the Rose, Orange, Sugar and Fiesta Bowls reminds me of the old Dana Gould bit about how the Larry King Live show used to feature two guests. They'd always put the top billed one on first as to not run short of time if the interview was going particularly well so that in the opening King would announce, "tonight's guests are Alexander Solzhitsnetzyn, the Pulitzer and Nobel Prize winning author who saw his entire family killed by the KGB then spent 19 years in a Soviet Gulag...and the man who played Fleagle on The Banana Splits." Enjoy the game...and, oh yeah, it's Arkansas State -1.5/65 if you want to try to at least make it interesting.

NFL
--In a disclaimer we'll point out that much like the rest of the year our official play on Houston/Cincinnati Under lost, but our analysis of a Saints dominated shootout and N.O/Over play was a winner. Today we'll just throw all the plays out there and you can judge for yourself.

--Disclaimer II: Fred of Fred's Picks texted, in light of his 4 game losing streak, "I abdicate my position much like Kaiser Wilhelm the 2nd!" I assume this means there will be no selection today...as to whether he'll also be exiling himself to The Netherlands, however, is unclear at this point.

--Pittsburgh at Denver: Talk is that this game could be make or break for the Grand Tim Tebow Experiment after two extraordinarily dismal performances to end the year. For those who have tried to forget I'll remind you that in Week 16 at Buffalo Tebow became the biggest turnover machine since Dave Krieg and his tiny, Vietnamese girl hands were fumbling away games  for Chuck Knox's Seahawks of the 90's. This was followed by a Week 17 disaster with the playoffs on the line where Timmy put up a 20.1 QB rating which is even harder than it seems in that much like filling in your name correctly on the SAT you get 18.0 points for just stepping on the field.
    All in all though we were big supporters of giving Tebow a chance. The Broncos are improving in many areas with the emergence of Von Miller on defense and Demaryius Thomas at WR, but they're still a safe distance from Super. Leaving Kyle Orton or some other middle of the road veteran out there while the highly drafted Tebow languished on the bench would be like the Kansas City Royals signing Jamie Moyer. What would be the point? Let the kid play and sink or swim on his own.
    So did he sink or did he swim? That's the problem. Kudos to the Broncos for tweaking the offense to play to Tebow's strengths, but things may have gone too far. An easy sked and inept performances by their opponents in the latter half of the season allowed the Denver offensive staff to put Tebow in a bubble for several weeks as they ran the ball ad nauseum and only let TT pass in late, desperate situations against loose, prevent defenses. Sure it all worked out in a playoff berth, but in terms of truly evaluating their unique QB the Broncos struck out.
    In the end it's obvious Tebow needs to show at least some vertical threat in order to keep defenses honest and allow the spread option game to work. That means again re-working the offense, giving Tebow plenty of game speed reps in that offense, constant re-evaluation of mechanics/decision making and a willingness to risk losing some games in order to get answers. Sure it might all work out in the end, but like being married, to say, Sharon Stone...it sounds like a lotta work. We expect GM Elway to be QB shopping in the offseason for someone of a more conventional bent.
    As for the game the question remains...How will Denver possibly score today? They have put up more than two TDs only twice in Tebow's 11 starts and those came against Oakland, who recently fired their Defensive Coordinator, and Minnesota who finished an ugly 31st in Total Defense. Today, however, they get the fairest stop troops in all the land as Pittsburgh finished #1 defensively giving up only 14.1 points per game. Even worse they held opponents to under 100 ypg on the ground and allowed the second least rushing TDs in the league. Toss in a blitzing James Harrison and a ball-hawking Troy Polamalu and you might want to keep the kids in their rooms as no impressionable youth should be exposed to what could be an unsafe helping of Brady Quinn.
   Earlier this year the Steelers took on a Seattle team sporting the youngest offensive line since the expansion year Carolina Panthers and shut them out 24-0. We see more of the same here so we'll go Pittsburgh -9 and with Big Ben still limping the run-first approach will hopefully keep this one Under 33.5 in the antidote to your Lions-Saints hangover.

Officially the Steelers don't have cheerleaders, but these girls seem to be in the spirit!

--Atlanta at New York Giants: On Tuesday the temperature here in New York was 8 with a wind chill of -2. Today it's 52 and could reach as high as 60. Up, down, big, small frankly my testicles don't know what to do these days. Seemingly this bodes well for the Dome as Home Falcons, but after many a frozen tailgating adventure at The Meadowlands we can assure it's always 20 degrees colder in the swamps of Jersey and the wind is constantly swirling. We've detailed Matt Ryan's H/A splits here in the past, but to update you this year he had a 102.9 QB rate and 17/5 ratio at home against 84.6 and 12/7 on the road.
    On the other hand we're no big fans of the Giants and feel their playoff clinching wins over the Jets and Cowboys were as much the result of flawed opponents as it was their own ability. The one thing we do know is that the Giants Front Four has been playing well. For the year they ranked tied with the Ravens for 3rd in sacks against the Falcons' below average 21st ranking. Both O-Lines allowed a similiar number of sacks so it should be the Giants in Matt Ryan's face more often than the Falcons in Eli Manning's.
    All this bodes well for another possible big game for WR Victor Cruz which seems stunning. Not that Cruz isn't a talent, but more that he has broken virtually every receiving record in the long history of the Giants franchise this year and still defenses refuse to pay him any special attention. Against the Jets Darrell Revis spent most of his time matched up against a hobbling Hakeem Nicks and broke up at least 3 passes intended for 4th stringer Ramses Barden, a player who I assume was given that name to remind his parents to use a condom in the future. Expect more of the same as from observation it appears the Falcons let their CBs play sides of the field rather than match up with certain receivers. Still we'll go Under 47.5 here, but make it a Favorites sweep of the weekend by taking the Giants -3.

There are no official Giant cheerleaders either. But at this point let me add that the ubiquity of these large breasted, small waisted women on the Internet has almost become boring...

...as I said..."almost"...

I couldn't write another line...nor do you want me when this is waiting...

Another British Page 6 girl...Can you get a U.S. subscription to the Daily Mirror?

Happy Sailors Dancing On A Sinking Ship

    For those who have sent along birthday wishes...thanks! And to answer the question no I do not get ripped off by having my birthday on December 25th. Years ago I came up with the plan of witholding my gift to anyone who does not give me two in return. Now if we could only get the NCAA to adopt this +1 approach, well...

Oh and before I forget...Happy Birthday to friggin' me...


    Funny how it always takes the school's annual Symphonic Holiday Concert to remind me just how many Oriental students we actually have enrolled. But hats off to them for finding time in their schedules between Forensics Club, Model U.N., AP Chemistry, Girl's Volleyball and re-taking the Driver's License test over and over. I guess it's true what they say...there's always room for cello.

    Plus for the students who asked here are my Top 6 reasons for not participating in our pre-break Pajama Day II: 6. My "slanket" was in the wash...5. I was previously told I could not "dress for the job I want"...4. Two words: Nocturnal Emission...3. I sleep in the nude and there'd have been no winners there...2. Minus the chip crumbs that was what I slept in the night before...and...1. I have enough trouble staying awake there the way it is.

    And lastly is there anyone more annoying than those Tailgating Guys in the Mobile 3G commercials who are on top of everything with their phones. What happened to the goal in life being to be left the f--- alone. Makes you long for the days of the old Joe Friday Dragnet rotary phone where when a girl gave you her number you'd have to weigh how attractive she was against how many 8's, 9's and 0's were in her number to decide whether it was worth calling her back. Or better yet the even older Andy Griffith two-handed phone where it was worthless calling those 976 sex lines because the girl would ask you to touch yourself and you'd have to rub up against a wall because you didn't have a hand free...oh right football, here we go...

CFB
--George Carlin used to say he didn't eat tomatoes because while they look nice on the outside when you bite into one inside it appears to be still in the larval stage...which is kinda how I view Rutgers HC Greg Schiano. There's no doubt Schiano has done yeoman's work in taking a program that many we're saying should drop down to the FCS level and turning it into a viable FBS team. And on the outside everything looks great what with brand new multi-million dollar facilities, strong recruiting and several minor bowl appearances. But on the inside, i.e. game day, things are not quite so rosy. Despite the successful records Jersey Greg has proven time and again to be a poor in-game coach who hasn't been able to get over the hump and break through to a top tier bowl despite having a lot of NFL level talent (check your favorite team's roster) in an extremely weak BCS conference.
    Nothing proves this better than his astounding 0-11 record versus West Virginia, the team to beat in the post Miami (FL)/Virginia Tech Big East. This year Rutgers not only succumbed to the Mountaineers again, but with the conference title still in reach may have delivered the signature loss of the Schiano era when they fell to then 4-6 Connecticut and retread coach Paul Pasqualoni 40-22 in their season finale.
   Which all brings us to our Bowl selections and "Fred's Picks" Early Bowl Lock-Iowa State +2 over Rutgers in the Dec. 30 Pinstripe Bowl. And while we're at it let's also give you the BeyondTheBets.com top Bowl Underdog plays of Iowa +14 over Oklahoma and Washington +9.5 over Baylor. In the former the Hawkeyes coach Kirk Ferentz is 7-2 ATS in Bowl Games including 5 outright wins in 7 games as a Dog and catches a banged up Sooner team that thought they'd be playing for the National Title before a late season swoon. As for the Huskies the key may be underrated HC Steve Sarkisian who in his brief tenure in the great Northwest has gone 5-0 SU/ATS in games in which he has had more than a week to prepare including a 19-7 upset of Nebraska as an 11.5 point Dog in their bowl last year.
    So to recap our Bowl plays so far are Iowa State +2 (Fred's Pick), Florida St. -3 (my pick), Washington +9.5 & Iowa +14 (BeyondTheBets) and Oklahoma State -4 (my pick). God Bless Us All...Everyone!

NFL
--The comedian Nick DiPaolo in discussing elderly women who opt for plastic surgery points out that if you're going to get your face tightened don't forget about the area below your chin lest you wind up with the forehead of a 16 year-old girl and the neck of Snapping Turtle. The NFL equivalent of this oversight appears to be the Chicago Bears.
    Now I'm no huge fan of Jay Cutler or Mike Martz but through the first 10 games of the season they were clicking well enough to combine with their Top 10/Brian Urlacher-lead defense to make Da Bears a serious Super Bowl contender. In all Chicago's O topped 30 points in 6 of 10 tries and their record stood at 7-3 before Cutler went down for the year. And this is where GM Jerry Angelo needed to go to work.
    You see unlike the nursery in Eric Clapton's apartment the window of opportunity in the NFL doesn't stay open forever (too soon?). With a huge decision/investment to be made concerning Matt Forte and Urlacher/Peppers not getting any younger Angelo needed to opt for more Botox or at least a cheap turtleneck to cover up the turkey-neck that is Caleb Hanie at QB and at least get the Bears to the Playoffs where maybe Cutler could be resurrected for one good run.
    It didn't happen and after close losses to the defense-less Raiders and the Tyler Palko-led Chiefs Marion Barber did his best Schleprock/Weeble impression as the unluckiest guy not to fall down at Denver and the pooch was screwed. Had Angelo swung a deal for Kyle Orton (he couldn't beat the Chiefs on the waiver wire) or trolled for a Seneca Wallace or some other competent place holder who knows what might have happened. Sunday night ex-Raider castoff Josh McCown starts against Green Bay and can pretty much not help but being an improvement, yet alas it appears the Atlanta and Detroit wins last week will have the Bears on the outside looking in. Another plastic surgery disaster that could make even Suzanne Somers sad.

Actually this might be the kid from Mask, I really didn't check it thoroughly...

--Two weeks ago people said we were on crack for picking the Seattle Seahawks to make the playoffs. First let me say I would never smoke anything that is named after a part of my ass and second it should be noted that Pete Carroll's crew currently stands at #7 in the NFC with the best chance to get to the Big Dance if Atlanta or Detroit stumble.
    The Falcons play Tampa Bay at home the final week so they're basically in, but the Lions may still have problems. First off they get the red-hot Chargers today at home before finishing at Green Bay. Neither of those are sure things even if last week's loss means the Pack rests their starters, as extreme cold and snow could still be an issue for the Dome-bound Detroiters. Meanwhile Seattle gets San Francisco today and Arizona in the finale. It's still a longshot that needs tiebreaker help, but hey the Lions have had exactly two kickers (Eddie Murray, Jason Hanson) in the last 31 years and if that could happen why the Hell not this?

 How old am I on this Birthday? Let's just say my first thought on seeing this picture was..."she's just asking for back problems".

--In a day of many big games the biggest may be the virtual playoff elimination matchup between the Jets and the Giants. A lot has been made in recent weeks of Tom Coughlin's abysmal 2nd half record with New York and certainly that is something to be considered. But remember the Giants did have a heckuva 2nd half run in winning the Super Bowl in 2007 and a quick perusal of their sked from November on this year indicates they may have an excuse for their recent troubles.
    Starting on 11/6 the Gi'nts faced N.E., S.F., Phi., N.O., G.B., Dal., Was. That's 5 division leaders among their 7 opponents and 2 of those games they won. On the other hand the Jets over this same period took on Buf. (twice), N.E., Den., Was., K.C., Phi. with wins coming only over the injury-riddled Bills, the Palko-led Chiefs and the Redskins. Of the three common opponents in those games (N.E., Phi., Was.) both the New Yorkers went 1-2 but the Giants were outscored only 44-60 while the Jets put up 69 points but were garretted for 101 against.
    It's hard to look worse than Eli and the Giants did last week, but Off The Marky Mark Sanchez and the Jets gave it a helluva try in Philly. Fred and I are off this one, but if you're inclined toward investing here keep the recent scheduling dichotomy in mind before plunging ahead.

--Fred's Pick is back to a normal font after last week's Jets play, but he still stands at a profitable 7-4-1 on the year. Today's advice is to go with the hot hand of Kyle (Don't Call Me Ol' Ace) Orton and the Chiefs at -2 over Oakland. And after a week off we're back on the bandwagon here. Orton finally gives the Chiefs a reasonable offensive prescence that even Matt Cassell didn't provide and the defense under Romeo Crennel has held division leaders Green Bay, Pittsburgh and Denver all under 20 points in recent weeks. Oakland's playoff hopes were crushed like Giles Corey at the Salem Witch Trials with Detroit's miracle comeback last week and now they must venture to Arrowhead Stadium a setting known league-wide for being more hostile than the Double Deuce bar in Roadhouse. K.C. pressured Aaron Rodgers into a mere 80.1 QB Rate last week. They should have even more success against an interception-prone Carson Palmer today. Good luck.

--According to BeyondTheBets today's top public plays are Carolina over Tampa, San Diego over Detroit and San Francisco over Seattle which to me is stunning in that Denver over Buffalo is not on that list. Has the public decided to pull a Jim Rockford and tuck and roll their way off the Tebow bandwagon after one loss? Versus a team on an 8 game, haven't even been close, losing streak? Even though Denver lost last week we were impressed that Tebow didn't go in the tank like the Detroit start, but played his game-passing a little, running for 93 yards and two TDs and putting up a reasonable 23 points. It was the defense that let them down, but against Tom Brady and the Pats that's to be expected. Denver is -2.5 in Buffalo and while we lean that way our official play will be the Seahawks +1 over the 49ers in Seattle. It's difficult to run on a Pete Carroll D and that's what S.F. wants to do. Additionally, the Niners have played only 3 road games in their last 8 winning once at John Beck's Washington against 2 losses. Add in an over-inflation in the public eye because of a Monday win over Pittsburgh in a game where Ben Roethlisberger was limping like he just had a 3 way with Bill Conlin and Jerry Sandusky and the Seahawks look like a hot team that is under the radar in this one. Finished...literally!

Seriously, why would you ever work...

A Two Pack Habit And A Motel Tan

    Now that I'm done bunching up phlegm like a Yiddish Cantor we can move on to more important issues like...Once you've lost it is it possible to find your virginity again? I'm not saying it's been awhile, but last week I found myself e-mailing our local paper wondering why they no longer list the heights and weights with the All-County Girls' sports teams. I can't make it on just the head shots alone.

    But moving on thank you to my 3rd Period class for the personalized Christmas gift. Nothing says you look like a disoriented alcoholic with a busy schedule quite like a monogrammed flask. Well at least I know someone is reading the blog.

    And finally are we done with the interminable Peanuts Christmas Specials anyway. A Charlie Brown Christmas, It's Christmastime, Charlie Brown, Charlie Brown's Christmas Tales, You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown...enough already. How 'bout making It's Called Alopecia, Charlie Brown. I mean he's 8 years old and has a hairline that makes Homer Simpson look like Ross from Friends...alright I'm better now, so let's get to football...

CFB
--This year's College Coaching Carousel reminds me of the movie Good Will Hunting where we are supposed to be excited because the lead character forsakes a life of fame and fortune to chase after his true love. But when it turns out that it's Minnie Driver's moon-face that has hit his eye like a big pizza pie...well, that's annoying.
    Similiarly CFB writers are trying to stir up enthusiasm over the offseason hirings of retreads like Charlie Weis (Kansas) and Rich Rodriguez (Arizona) or unproven newcomers like Kevin Sumlin (Texas A&M) or Larry Fedora (North Carolina), but I'm not buying it. For my money though the offseason hire that may have the biggest immediate impact is one that has surprisingly flown under the radar-Mike Leach at Washington State.
    Leach,as you may remember, was fired at Texas Tech for treating Craig James' son's concussion symptoms by keeping him locked in a closet like the love child of Anne Frank and Elian Gonzalez. One high profile lawsuit later and Leach was in the analyst booth, but it can't tarnish his record in Lubbock. Over 10 seasons Leach went 84-43, never missed a bowl and twice had the Red Raiders ranked in the Top 10 reaching as high as #2 in the latter half of the 2008 season.
    The only problem was Leach's squads perenially fell short against the bigger, faster Blue Chip-laden powerhouses at Texas, Oklahoma and Nebraska against which he went 9-17. In the Pac-12 however this shouldn't be as much of a problem. This year the conference could not even fill its bowl allottment and with LaMichael James moving on at Oregon, Stanford finding itself Luck-less and USC still dealing with the Reggie Bush probation 2012 doesn't figure to be a dominant year out West.
   The Cougars went a mere 4-8 in 2011, haven't topped .500 since 2003and will be breaking in an untested sophmore under center next year. But Leach has turned skinny nobody QBs like Kliff Kingsbury and Graham Harrell into NCAA record breakers so the potential is there for a turnaround in Pullman. They won't be BCS bowling, but still keep Washington State in mind as a potential play-on team in 2012. It's not worth chucking a Nobel Prize for, but even Minnie Driver's good for a roll in the hay every now and then.

Turning round a program like Washington State is never pretty.

--On the list of the worst people of 2011 there's the New Jersey couple who had the youngest of their three children taken away when it was discovered he was named Adolph Hitler Campbell and then there's Todd Graham.
   Last week Graham was named head coach of Arizona State after only one year at Pittsburgh in a move that could make Bobby Petrino look like George Halas.
    Making this doubly bad is that Graham also pulled the same one and done stunt at his first job as HC of Rice which he left to take the job at Tulsa where he lasted a whopping 4 seasons before heading to Pitt. You can read all the ugly lies and promises here http://rivals.yahoo.com/ncaa/football/news?slug=pf-forde_graham_quits_pitt_asu_121511 and while we see a possible "Rise of the Third Tyke" in New Jersey Graham better hope he hits it big in the desert as his sincere then see-ya act will only last as long as he's a big winner.

--In case you missed it the Bowl season started yesterday and continues ad nauseum through mid-January. Fred of Fred's Picks will be tossing out an occasional play, but beyond that and some pithy commentary when warranted we're going to stick to covering the NFL. As for our own early observations with an eye toward posted lines we see two teams that we feel are outmatched physically in their games-Notre Dame and Stanford. The Irish played 2 teams this year, Michigan and USC, who could match the size speed balance of FSU and lost both, the latter badly. And while Florida State has no real dominant win this year they did finish up 6-1 after QB E.J. Manuel got healthy in mid-October with their only loss coming by 1 point to Virginia in a sandwich game between rivals Miami (FL) and Florida. The line currently stands at FSU -3.
   And in the same vein Stanford proved to be little more than the right arm of Andrew Luck as they cruised through an embarrasingly easy early season slate only to get pole-axed for 103 points by the two most physically talented teams on their slate, USC and Oregon. Oklahoma State would be in the National Championship game, but for a inexplicable stumble vs. Iowa State and their survival in the high-flying Big 12 proves they have the speed that the Trojans and Ducks used to dominate Stanford offensively. The numbers are Okie State -4/74 in what could be the wildest shootout this side of a Slim Dunkin video set.

NFL
--First let me step out character to say thank you Tim Tebow for some exciting football...crappy football, yes...but nonetheless exciting.
    Today Yahoo! Sports among others is billing the Pats-Broncos matchup as the Game of the Week and why not. There are plenty of other important tilts with playoff implications galore, but things won't be right in the world until we can explain or explain away this whole Tebow/Bronco mania.
    Now usually I'm pretty good at this. Sure I overthink often and miss the obvious, but if it requires going outside the proverbial box I'm in my realm. For example when the answer was Ralph Manicotti in the Jeopardy! category Sitcoms everyone immediately thought "Who is Ralph Kramden's upstairs neighbor?" while I went with "What do the Olsen Twins do after eating Italian food?" An off-beat, but I'd argue equally correct response. Still there's really nothing I can come up with to justify this 6-1 Denver run other than coincidence meeting pure luck meeting shitty opponents in a house of cards that will come down sooner rather than later.
    At 4 today in Denver we predict that collapse will come at the hands of Belichick and Brady. And if you're worried about the Pats D that got lit up for 463 yards by Rex Grossman and Washington last week don't be. First off the Patriots defensive problems come against the pass, but while Ron Jaworski was the Polish Rifle Tebow is more of the Mile High Musket taking his time between shots and ineffective at long range. Against the run New England is 11th overall and has held 8 of 13 opponents under 100 yards. Figure Belichick has some schemes prepared to mess up the spread-option and he may even have been preparing ahead of time which may explain the lackadaisacal effort vs. the Redskins.
    The line is N.E. -7.5 and we'll have our pick below, but I don't care how much Tebowing the folks in Denver do this gridiron version of the Loaves and Fishes ends today.

Frankly it's late and I just liked this girl...yeah like I'm worried about sounding creepy at this point.

--FRED'S PICK: And at 7-3-1 we're giving him all caps. Today's selection is the Jets +3 and for once in recent weeks we are skeptical. We agree the Jets should be able to move the ball via the ground on Philly, but after back-to-back weeks of 30+ points it just feels like Mark Sanchez is ready to go in the tank today. We thought we'd find some sort of home/away stat that would back this up, but we couldn't. Call it a hunch similiar to how we feel about the possibility of Michael Vick creating problems with his legs like Tebow did to the Jets late in the Thurday night game a few weeks back. Still Fred's on fire and we've been stabbing wildly so place your rooting interest accordingly.

--Today according to BeyondTheBets the public is pounding Green Bay and New Orleans. The Pack over K.C. is hard to argue with, but the Saints have had their road woes this year barely slipping past Carolina and losing outright to Tampa and St. Louis. They also get rival Atlanta next week with the division title on the line so don't discount Minny +7 or +8 there. Also remember Seneca Wallace starts today for Cleveland and while he's no long term fix he does have mobility and a career 80+ QB rate neither of which Colt McCoy possesses to this point so the hot Arizona Cardinals may not be a sure thing today. As for us New England and buy the hook down to -7. I can't keep writing about Tim Tebow every week. Hungover and humiliated.

Big Boobed Brits...when all else fails!

Life...Sleeping...Wife (NFL Notes-Week 12)

    Sitting here trying to figure out what to write and finishing off the Thanksgiving Leftovers by which I mean shots of Wild Turkey with a Potato Vodka and Cranberry Juice chaser. And come to think of it how do you even squeeze potatoes into Vodka? Apparently the Russians and Poles were the ones smart and/or drunk enough to figure this out which reminds me of the Denis Leary bit in which he is thankful that the Irish didn't know this recipe in the mid-1800s as it would've put an even more devasting take on the Potato Famine..."We're outta food, oh well...and alcohol? Jesus H. Christ! Kill me now!!"

    Next, for those of you who bother to read our College Football posts I should point out that talent clueless ex-Notre Dame coach Bob Davie is the new HC at New Mexico and not Mike Leach as we mentioned. Good luck with that.
    In an earlier post we pointed out that Davie's tenure at ND and as an analyst at ESPN has been marked by an ability to evaluate talent that rivals Matt Millen. Davie, who once touted Ron Powlus as the second coming of Joe Montana, reminds me of my College roommate John who thought every new band that had a hit on the radio was the next Pink Floyd. But sometimes you just gotta take a long hard listen and realize it's time to put the Eurythmics and Wall of Voodoo albums at the back of the shelf and stick with "Dark Side of the Moon".
    Last night's hammering by Stanford was perfect evidence of how far Notre Dame has fallen in terms of recruiting Blue Chip talent under Davie and then "too nice" coaches like Ty Willingham and Charlie Weis. In the past month Stanford played two top talent/recruiting squads in USC and Oregon and had 101 points hung on them by offenses that brought both size and speed to the table. The Irish, on the other hand, scored 14 points with 7 coming on a meaningless score with :35 left.
    Notre Dame still has size, but lacks speed; still reacts smart, but moves slow...or as Green Bay WR Jordy Nelson put it in an interview this week, they "play white". I'm not sure I'm allowed to go any further with that metaphor plus this is supposed to be an NFL post, but let's just say HC Brian Jones needs to add some color (in the generic sense) to what has too long been a vanilla Notre Dame squad.

   And in one last note from yesterday our picks split, but I haven't taken a boning like the one I got on the Michigan-Ohio State game since that night I spent in the Los Angeles County Correctional Facility for peeing on Tony Danza's Star and screaming, "Who's the Boss now, huh?" For those who missed it the would-be covering TD was first overturned by review and placed two inches from the goal line as if the length of the stab wound on S.D. Jones' back (that's what it was, right) was "indisputable evidence", This gave the Wolverines two shots to punch it in, but when their first try succeeded they were called for not only Holding, but a Personal Foul creating 3rd and goal from the 25 and, ultimately, settled for a non-covering FG...This is why people play Fantasy Football.

NFL NOTES
--The Thanksgiving Games: You can only fool people so long, as evidenced by the band we formed in college and named "Free Beer" so that the marquee at the Student Union would read "Tonight Only-Free Beer"...We drew an SRO crowd but, suffice to say, things turned ugly. Similiarly Jim Harbaugh has done a great job drawing attention to the 49ers with their 9-1 start, but uneventful wins over Cleveland, Washington and Arizona over the last month were hardly the stuff that stamped them Super Bowl contenders. Thursday night's ugly 170 total yard, 9 times sacked, 6 point performance at Baltimore shows that this club still has a ways to go. Not that we're telling you anything you probably didn't already guess, but it's just a reminder that playing in the NFC West can mask many a blemish. For the remainder of the year the Niners play 4 games against division opponents with one against Pittsburgh sandwiched in between. If that doesn't strike you as a wagering possibility San Francisco's Treat (which by the way was my nickname in college...what, I liked rice...) could be rolling into the playoffs as a soft #2 seed at 13-3. They are currently 1-2 against teams that would be in the playoffs if the season ended today and have averaged a mere 225 ypg in those contests so betting opportunities would appear to abound...Dallas' win over Miami has them in first place by a half game over the Giants going into today's action. The Cowboys did not exactly impress Turkey Day so they need to make hay over the next two weeks when the Giants will be underdogs against New Orleans (today) and Green Bay while the 'Boys get the potentially 3-8 Cardinals next week. Jerry's Kids then finish with 2 vs. NYG plus Philly and at T.B. while the Giants get Washington and the Jets in addition to the Dallas duo which could make the race for the NFC East and the two Wild Card spots, with Atlanta, Detroit and Chicago in that picture, very interesting...As for the Lions 12 turnovers in the last 3 weeks has tempered their 6-2 start, but let's talk Ndamukong Suh. Suspension? Absolutely, but not so much for going after a GB lineman like a 21st Century Mongolian Stomper, but for his postgame comments trying to convince us he was just attemping to "get his balance". As the old saying goes, "don't piss in my ear and tell me it's raining"...unless, of course, you look like this at which point I believe it becomes a Golden Shower. If you're gonna lie to me at least put a little effort into it. I've had enough already of people telling me "I smoked, but I didn't inhale" or "Guaranteed to add two inches..." it just doesn't work...er...I mean it just isn't true and if we keep on buying it these asses can get away with anything.

--Years ago I was somehow coaxed into taking a Safari vacation to Central Africa with a girlfriend. When people asked how it was she told tale of magnificent vistas, wild animals and exotic cultures while I tended to lean close to the inquisitor and in my best Old Jewish Man Sending Back Soup In A Deli-voice said, "it used to be nice, but it's all Black now..."
    In other words everyone has a different take on things, some silly, some realistic. In sports, however, people don't generally want realistic, they want heroes. As witnessed by a 1990's Nets game I attended in New Jersey where the team held "Michael Jordan Night" in honor of a player on the opposing team complete with Jordan posters and wristbands for kids under 15. When the Bulls trailed by 10 going into the 4th Quarter and Jordan had scored 5 points on 2-16 shooting Fred (of Fred's Picks), who just happened to have Chicago laying a dozen, stood up and screamed, "Jordan Sucks", causing children to cry and parents to cast dirty looks as the reality of that evening, at least, was brought directly up to them.
    And here's where we talk about Tim Tebow. John Elway's comments about not being ready to anoint Tebow the Franchise QB just yet were about as sober and well thought out as you could get from of an ex-athlete turned GM. In his 5 starts TT is 4-1, but 3 of those victories are by 7 points or less and the loss was a complete debacle at home against the never-known-as-road-warriors Lions. The nationally televised win over the Jets was not so much a Coming-Out Party for Timmy whose offense produced a measly 140 yards in 3 and a half quarters as it was a I Wish He'd Go Back In Party for Mark Sanchez haters throughout the Tri-State area.
    And just as the hero-worshippers are loading up the Tebow bandwagon they're just as quickly jumping off Norv Turner's sinking ship in San Diego. The line in that game has already dropped from -7 to -5.5. It's not "Tim Tebow Day" at Qualcomm Stadium in San Diego, but the sound of "Tebow Sucks" just might be heard from the crowd only this time I can assure you it won't be Fred wagering on the Golden Boy this time around.

Not sure who she cheers for, but the team definitely needs to get her a bigger shirt...

--In fact Fred's pick (4-3-1) today is Tennessee -3 over Tampa Bay which means he may have been reading, and concurring, with our Tampa bashing on these pages over the weeks. Despite what the press would like you to think QB Josh Freeman is not hurt or being let down by his O-Line he's simply regressing back to the mean that falls somewhere between his abysmal Rookie year and magical second season. And speaking of regressions if you like to place an exotic wager every now and then try Cleveland to win the coin toss today. They currently stand at 0-10 on the year which means, as the statisticians will tell us, that their chances of winning today are exactly 50-50. Still, I frequently play the Lottery, a Government sponsored tax on people who are bad at Math, so I'm thinking I just might take a flier on that one in Cincinnati.

--On the injury front remember Adrian Peterson is out for Minny, Matt Leinart starts in Houston and Caleb Hanie, who I believe used to play the used Furniture/Tools salesman on Green Acres ("I just happen to have one on the truck"), goes in place of Jay Cutler for the Bears. For those unconcerned about this last change because you remember Hanie filling in so admirably against the Packers in last year's NFC Championship Game just be forewarned that Chicago coaches were so worried that they auditioned Luke McCown  or Josh McCown or Cade McNown or Les Brown and His Band of Renown or some such spare part this week so confidence is not exactly brimming in Lovie Smith's and Mike Martz' worlds.

--As for my pick we're gonna stick to our guns and call for San Diego to end their 5 game losing streak at      -5.5 over Denver with Phillip Rivers finally getting back on track. After being backdoor-ed by Jake "Davy Jones'" Locker last week I'm pretty much throwin' darts at this point. As for the biggest "Public" teams, according to BeyondTheBets.com the money is flowing in on Pittsburgh, Carolina and New England. After getting pounded by the public early these games have been going the Bookies way of late so tread carefully. And finally the weather is nice in the Northeast today and if Michael Vick plays against a soft Pats D and Tom Brady gets to fling it around against Juan Castillo's stop troops could we be looking at a shootout? Food for thought...now some for me...I'm through!

No wonder the Swiss are always neutral...who's gonna fight when you're running this up the flag pole?

More Thieves And Liars...NFL Notes Week 10

GENERAL NOTES

--So is it just me or can you picture Herman Cain barging into the National Restaurant Association Convention like Sheriff Bart in Blazing Saddles  screaming, "Where the white women at?" And while we're at it is Cain's ubiquitous 9-9-9 harangue turning into the political version of Moses Malone's "fo', fo', fo'" interview (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BRPIJ1FFN_U)? I'm no politico, but the fact that he and Perry have almost single-handedly launched the staff-less Newt Gingrich back into the mix makes this whole thing look like the NFC West with Romney as the 49ers and the rest as the Seahawks, Rams and Cardinals.

--In Celebrity News Kim Kardashian's ex-publicist, Jonathan Jaxson, said her 72 day marriage never had a chance because she's still holding a torch for former boyfriend and Miami Dolphin RB Reggie Bush. Which reminds us of the scandalous Donna Rice, who also secretly pined for a Bush even as her 1987 affair with married Presidential candidate Gary Hart brought down his rising campaign. When questioned Rice admitted that, though she truly loved Hart, all along she planned on voting for George H.W. Bush in the election. When asked by the press how she reconciled that conundrum she proclaimed, "What can I say, in my heart I like Bush, but in my bush I like Hart." Well put indeed.

If you're gonna throw away your political career at least this beats Holy Hell outta Monica Lewinsky.

--And finally when you're half passed out drunk on the couch at two A.M. did you ever just wish one of the Bimbo Du Jour's on the dating show Excused! would tell sideways talking host Iliza Schlesinger, "Eddie Money called and he wants his mouth back..." No...it's just me...well, moving on...

NFL NOTES
--The worst dating advice I ever got is also the dating advice I received more often than any other and that is, "Be yourself"...Yeah, like that's gonna work!? I mean if "being myself" had any merit I wouldn't be meeting "Ruebenesque in Ridgefield" over a Blooming Onion at the bar of the Paramus Mall Outback Steakhouse in the first place now would I.
    And like in dating in football coaching sometimes you have to become something you're really not to succeed. Denver headman John Fox, for example, is not an offensive innovator. His gameplans in Carolina often made Woody Hayes look like Mouse Davis what with the running D'Angelo Williams into the middle of the line on first down over and over, then replacing him with Jonathan Stewart so he couldn't get any momentum and dammit where were the screens and...oh sorry...I still have some pent up Fantasy Football angst from 2 years ago to work out, but to the point...In Tim Tebow Fox has a QB who requires that he either change or lose. Trying to turn Timmy T. into a 2nd long/3rd long pocket passer is like turning "Layla" into a lazy, lilting, blues number and we all can admit now that just sucked.
    Last week Tebow ran more often and for more yards than in his previous two starts and after a slow 1st Half the Mile High-ers ended up routing Oakland in the 3rd/4th Quarters. The game played out much like the previous two with the Broncos trailing early, but this time Tebow used his best asset, his legs, to turn things around. In fact on every Denver scoring drive Tebow had one or more runs of double digits compared to none on the drives that ended in punts. And it's not necessarily the designed runs that are most effective, but rather the scrambles. If you're gonna have TT stand in the pocket going through progressions all day you might as well issue him a jersey with a Cross Hairs on it instead of a number like he was a Democratic Congressman on a Sarah Palin website map. Give him a primary target (and he doesn't have to lock in, he can look off and come back to that receiver) and tell him to take off or go to a TE/RB safety valve if that's not open.
    Alright, we're all sick of Tebow Talk at this point. But lack of imagination annoys me. Maybe you can't win with a QB like this. Maybe he will get injured too quickly. Maybe teams will adjust (of course you could then re-adjust). Maybe it just flat out is unfeasible due to the size and speed in the NFL. But exhaust your options before you give up the ghost. Hopefully Denver took a step in the right direction last week...and as for me, Ladies, I don't know if you've heard of Doctors Without Borders, but I'm....

--My Irish grandfather used to tell the story of growing up in County Cork where he and his friends would go out at night, get rip-roarin' drunk, piss all over the Blarney Stone and then come back the next day and laugh uproariously as the Tourists kissed it for luck. In other words we can't always see what's going on behind the scenes; except at that window they have in front of the grill at White Castle and frankly that's the one place I'd rather not know what's going on. Waiters could be spitting in your food, rats crawling across your soda cans, High School aged Baskin-Robbins employess blowing snot into the Prailines & Cream (or so I've heard) and worst of all coaches designing game plans that thoroughly undermine your well thought out wagers.
    A few weeks ago we wound up with a push when the Giants, after getting burned by two long TDs early, backed off defensively against the Bills and allowed Ryan Fitzgerald to almost dink and dunk his way to a road upset. With this in mind we shied away from the Jets last week, but Rex Ryan proved why he really is one of the best defensive minds in the game today by having his defense attack the line of scrimmage, jump the slant routes and lock up Stevie Johnson with their best CB, Darrell Revis. The result was the lowest offensive output for Buffalo this season and it may have been a glimpse into what we may get tonight in an excellent Sunday Night matchup.
    We talked last week about the Moss-less Pats having no deep threat so we expect to see more of the same attack mode out of the J-Men tonight. Brady's arm strength and quick release give N.E. a better chance than the Bills, but as was witnessed in the 1st half last week the days of Belichick/Brady's Flying Circus may be over vs. the league's better D's. The numbers tonight are PK/47.5. Fred and our picks will be below, but with Sanchez vs. Belichick's defensive scheming and Brady under attack by the Jets D this looks like a potential FG battle that leans towards the New Yorkers.

Apparently this cheer is in honor of the Bills wearing their throwback "Buffalo Standing There Taking A Dump" helmets last week.

--And speaking of the Patriots lack of a deep threat...what about T.O.? Wait, wait here me out on this. Now yes, I'm aware, T.O.'s public workout session drew less interest than a Yoko Ono Poetry Slam...and sure putting Owens and Belichick together is like bringing Gabourey Sidibe to Howard Stern's All-U-Can-Eat Buffett, but deseperate times call for deseprate measures. And that's exactly why we think this thing may actually have legs. A loss tonight would have the Pats-ies at 5-4 and on the outside of the playoff picture. That and a 3 game losing streak to the type of teams (Pit., NYG, NYJ) that he knows they need to beat to win it all could leave Bitter Billy open to some compromise.
    Now sure no one wants to take on T.O.'s attitude and histrionics, but that's what was said about Randy Moss upon leaving Oakland. Owens, of course, is older, but a half season deal that would put him in the most structured environment in the NFL with the idea that this could be his last shot hanging over his head could make for an uneasy, but fruitful short term marriage...aaand we're back to Kim Kardashian again.
    Jokes aside, though, depending on the outcome tonight it could make sense, but there are a lot of egos to navigate if it were to get done. Still it's a Hell of a lot better than sittin' around sadly every weekend watching Ocho Cinco try.

And one for the Patriots throwback helmets...

--Though Peyton Hillis isn't playing this week there's good news in that a planned Intervention was called off. I'm not sure if the Intervention was planned by management, his teammates or Fantasy owners everywhere, nor do I know what it entailed but if your invited I can tell you from experience it's best not to bring a six-pack and an 8-Ball. My favorite story in this vein is when Fred of "Fred's Picks" was coaxed into attending a Gambler's Anonymous meeting to which he brought a deck of cards surmising correctly, "when am I ever gonna be in a room with a bigger bunch of losers than this...there's money to be made!"...He busted.

--That said Fred has had his successes and failures in the wagering world and the experience has left him the wiser. Like us he suffers from one fatal sports betting flaw. For us it's silencing the voices of others and going with our own analysis. For Fred it's action. He likes it and therefore money management suffers as he backs teams that he may not have a strong feeling for. Here you get the best of all possible worlds as we're limiting Fred (3-2-1 on the year) to his best pick weekly and as his record shows early on it's usually fairly strong. Today's his play is Carolina -3 over Tennessee. The Titans 4-4 start has been helped by an easy sked and 5 home games. Their only road win is at Cleveland where they were outgained and out-first downed 25-13, but benefitted from an 80 yd. TD reception by TE Jared Cook and a 97 yd. INT return. The only cavaet is that beating Tennessee seems dependent on stopping their run game. Cleveland ranks 31st in rush D and got pummelled, unfortunately Carolina ranks 28th though they have played a tougher sked. Check Cam Newton's shoulder situation and then wager as you see fit.

--Wagering Wisdom: Top public team today according to BeyondTheBets.com is Baltimore -7 at Seattle. Tavaris Jackson will play. We mention this as positive only because that's how bad Charlie Whitehurst truly is. Recall Baltimore lost to Ten. on the road after beating Pit. in Week 1. Same scenario here and toss in their road blowup at Jax. as well and if you're a contrarian you might see this as a low scoring affair that favors Seattle...In another odd positive note Rex Grossman may get the start in Miami. He stinks, but gives them a chance against a low level team. John Beck gives them a chance against no one...And despite the MNF loss the public is back on Philly pushing the line from -12 to -14 in many places though I think it would take globe-like cajones to back Fordham's own John "Don't Call Me Red" Skelton who starts in place of Kevin Kolb today...We'll stick with our guns and go Jets-Patriots Under 47.5 and allow ourselves to watch the early games in peace. Here's to many a FG tonight. Good luck, good day, get drunk!

It says this girl's name is Marzia Banghard...yeah sure...pleased to meet you I'm Studley Hungwell...

Old school wrestling at "Seminal Sluts and "Crimson Mask" titles. Erin Andrews and women of ESPN at "Something In The Way She Says Gamecocks" or just look around, if nothing else there's well-endowed models everywhere.

Just Another Newark State Of Mind (NFL Notes-Week 9)

GENERAL NOTES

--No truth to the rumor that a distraught Nick Saban tried to hang himself, but couldn't find anyone capable of kicking the chair out from underneath. We'll have more on Nick and his Kickers next week, but we have to admit last night's #1 vs. #2 showdown did live up to its "Game of the Century" hype...too bad it was the 19th Century. I mean Rutgers-Princeton had nothing on the Tide-Tigers...well except for actual Touchdowns, but moving on...

--Last Saturday's freak Northeast snowstorm cancelled school and all planned activities on Halloween Day which allowed the kids to spontaneously declare it "Halloween Week". And let me be the first to say if I see one more 17 year old girl parading around in a blonde wig and fishnet/spandex Lady Gaga costume I swear I'm gonna...Cheer, quite frankly. There are advantages to working in the upper grades.

--Of course I should probably be more prudent with my comments in light of the still fresh furor over Ohio Gym/Health teacher Stacy Schuler who was convicted on 16 counts of sexual battery last week for sleeping with her students. My question whenever these cases arise is what teenage boy is turning these Women/Dream Makers in? Now admittedly from the pictures it appears Ms. Schuler is not gonna make us forget Miss Vaughan from Billy Madison or star in a remake of Van Halen's "Hot For Teacher" vid, but at that age I would've been happy with any sex that didn't end with me limping out of Jerry Sandusky's Penn State Football Camp. Don't overthink it, Lads, just live the dream!

--And finally I wasn't joking yesterday when I commented on feeling old because I now get distracted in the supermarket checkout by the women on Prevention magazine. Just to drive that home someone sent me this picture yesterday prompting me to wonder is that the class from the "Scopes Monkey" trial? Who's the teacher...Ms. Crabtree? Is that Laura Ingalls second row right? Until it was pointed out that I'm third row left and then it all came back to me...the classroom, the students, the powder burns we received when the photographer under the curtain lit the flash. Please somebody shoot me now before the first piece of AARP junk mail arrives in my box...

NFL NOTES
--Last week's loss to Pittsburgh has all the talking/writing heads projecting the downfall of Bill Belichick's Patriot Dynasty. Now while the speculations may be a bit premature there is are some ominous signs lurking. For the most part Pittsburgh played press coverage last week and had their safeties attacking the intermediate zones thereby daring the Pats to beat them deep. With Ocho Cinco playing about as old as his name these days and Welker/Branch best suited for the underneath game that leaves New England's best deep threat as TE Aaron Hernandez. As long as Tom Brady's at QB the Patsies will still get their points, but the question has begun to arise whether they can get them often and fast enough to cover for a defense softening faster than the time I clicked on the YouTube trending "Celebrity Sex Tape-Dustin Diamond" before realizing that's Screech from Saved The Bell. More on the Pats/Giants game later in the "Fred's Pick" section.

--But before we leave the topic of New England receivers a quick mention should be made of Rob Gronkowski's and Julian Edelman's recent sexcapades. In Gronkowski's case we really don't see what's wrong with posting non-pornographic pics of you and your adult actress girlfriend on Twitter. Hell if I was dating BiBi Jones (photo below) I'd have our photo blown up and hauled around the school on a banner from the back of a plane like I was promoting my Surf & Sunglass Shop in Myrtle Beach. Besides if a 6'5" stud pro athlete is dating a hot, blonde porn star that's seems about par for the course, if I'm doing it then check the Field Trip fund and who cashed those PTA checks the kids brought in because something's amiss here.
    On the other hand Julian Edelman's under-skirt groping of a female bar patron is a little more concerning. Then again if Crocodile Dundee taught us anything, besides what is and isn't a knife, then it's that it's wise to test the authenticity of approaching females when you're drunk in a dark nightclub...Caveat Emptor, Julian Edelman, Caveat Emp-tor!

Adult film cutie BiBi Jones...porn's answer to Mary Ann from Gilligan's Island.

--How 'bout a bold prediction...the Dallas Cowboys win the NFC East! Alright maybe that's a little too bold, but I do think it's silly to write off Jerry's Kids as finished following every loss like folks did "99 Luft Balloons" Nena after that hairy armpit video.
 Going back over my dating career that's the least of the hairiness I was worried about...

Fact is according to Pro Football Reference the 'Boys have played the 3rd most difficult sked to date behind only the Rams and the Bears. Looking more closely they dealt everyone's darling du jour the 49ers their only loss in San Fran, should've beat the 6-2 Lions and except for their demolition of St. Louis have not really had another easy contest on their slate. And their losses may actually be more impressive having narrowly missed out on beating both the Jets at The Meadowlands and New England in Foxboro (where Tom Brady hasn't lost since 2006) while outgaining both. Last week was their only really poor effort and it came at Philly who was coming off bye a situation in which their coach Andy Reid has racked up a 12-0 record in his career.
    Injuries are and have been a concern all year. The latest loss of underrated MLB Sean Lee is a problem, but as long as DeMarcus Ware is harrassing opposing QBs they should be able to hold their own defensively. The O-line also has it's problems, but Miles Austin is back and Demarco Murray may be on the verge of Wally Pipp-ing Felix Jones at TB. Their next 5 are against Seattle, Buffalo, at Washington, Miami and at Arizona so the potential is there to make Dallas' second act this season more than a "Feuer Und Flamme"; or "It's All In A Game" for you non-German speaking fans...and thank you Wikipedia Nena page for not forcing me to page through my milk crates full of vinyl albums for that one.

--Some Quick Hits: On several occasions girlfriends have left me for other guys (I know, I couldn't believe it either) at which point I would utter the same line Denver GM John Elway is using with Bronco fans who clambored all season for Tim Tebow: You want him, you got him! The only difference is in my personal case at least one person was happy, in Denver nobody's winning. Still we believe the Tebow experiment should go on for two reasons. First the season's already lost so might as well play Timmy T. (and maybe a coupla starts for Brady Quinn too) see if there's anything there worth salvaging or begin preparing your new plan. And secondly it gives us another potential market for our "Suck For Luck" t-shirt idea.

--Now back when I was in school people had a much more liberal idea of what was politically correct. The name of our intramural Floor Hockey team was the Mother Puckers, our intramural Basketball team began as Nudity and we played in sneakers and our Hanes briefs until a gym teacher found 17 year olds running around with beer guts disconcerting and we changed it to La Retts which we were told is French for "The Retards", but we may have been led astray on that one.
    Today things are not the same. Have any mention of a beer or cigarette company on your clothing and you're pounced on by jackbooted thugs like the naked fat kid at Altamount. Still two weeks ago I saw a kid get away with this shirt for the entire day  So now I know there's plenty of "Suck For Luck" t-shirts out there, but if you live in Miami, Phoenix, Indianapolis or Denver I suggest you load up your trunk with a few boxes full featuring this style because there isn't a low-life, drunken, beer-bellied tailgater out there who wouldn't want to obnoxiously walk around with one of these. Good luck.

--In other QB news Carson Palmer gets his first full shot with Oakland today and for the sake of the memory of Al Davis here's hoping things work out. You see at next year's draft the Raiders War Room is going to be as silent as that of the Swiss Joint Chiefs of Staff since between Terrell Pryor, Palmer and other deals they  have awoken the memory of George Allen's Redskins by having no selections until the 5th round. Considering Carson P. is 33 years old and has had declining QB rates for every full year he's played since 2005 and that Pryor looks, at best, like Tebow-Lite Oakland took quite a big chance when they decided to go all in after Jason Campbell's injury and, though I never thought I'd type the words, may be regretting letting Bruce Gradkowski go in the offseason. Who'd have thought the Chiefs would be front-runners in this race after Week 2?

Stop scroll...ogle...time for picks...it's really a user-friendly site...

--Fred cashed easy last week with Tennessee and is now 2-2-1 on the year. Today he goes with the Giants +9 which is an interesting play. Tom Brady is on something like a 32 game winning streak at Foxboro and NFL teams that win games SU cover around 70% of the time. The question of course is what is that percentage when the line is more than a FG or more than a TD. We're not sure, but we've talked in our college posts about enticing big numbers sometimes being traps. In this case it may just be the Pats still living off their reputation. The way to beat the Giants is to force Eli Manning into mistakes, but the N.E. defense had not shown that tendency in recent weeks. Still the Giants go in without Ahmad Bradshaw or starting C David Baas (as well as Hakeem Nicks) which bodes poorly for the run game and Belichick may be able to scheme well enough to confuse Manning and the NYG O-Line. We're staying away, but it should be an interesting game and a clue into which way these squads may be trending in the coming weeks.

--Our official play is New Orleans -8.5 over Tampa Bay. The offensive letdown in St. Louis after scoring 61 against Indy seemed inevitable. Now they're back at home and facing what we feel is a pretender to their NFC South supremacy. In the Bucs magical 2010 season they got smoked 31-6 by the Saints in Tampa before winning a meaningless, "rest your starters" game at the Superdome in Week 17. Sean Payton and Drew Brees should set things right today and hopefully Josh Freeman and company have another San Francisco style road clunker ready to roll. Now carry on without me...

Yes, I'm a bit pensive about the Saints today as well...but hey we both have jobs to do...

Further Loneliness...Long-Distance Drunkard (NFL Notes-Week 8)

Quick Hits
--First to all the students who plan on coming to my home for Halloween I say,"That reminds me...get razorblades." See ya tomorrow.

--Fact is there may be no candy here anyway as I've already worked three-quarters of the way through the Snickers bag preparing this post. But don't worry 'bout my health as they weren't the Full, but rather the Fun Size Snickers. Which ironically is what I've always told my girlfriends over the years,"it's not small, it's Fun Size..."

--Sorry to hear professional curmudgeon Andy Rooney is doing poorly, but seriously did reporters need to sound so shocked when delivering this news. I mean the guy was a Cub Reporter at Dunkirk, has a nose like a relief map of Nepal and eyebrows that could frighten Ox Baker. Is it really surprising when he's rushed to the hospital? Toward the end Jerry Garcia weighed 400 pounds, ate a half gallon of Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream for breakfast and waddled down to Candlestick Park to Freebase alone yet upon his demise people kept asking me, "can you believe Jerry's gone." Hell, I couldn't believe he was still alive...but then we all grieve differently.

--If you work in an office and want some down time or just to screw with your boss open a Twitter account, type "joe buck douche bag" into the search and watch the server crash like Billy Joel on a three day bender. Couple this with Tim McCarver, a condescending, pompous ass so great he could make Joe Morgan look like a candidate for the Lady Byng Trophy and it's not hard to see why folks were not exactly watching the World Series in record numbers.

--And in one final WS note I believe Texas pitcher Derek Holland's moustache redefined "wispy" for a generation that never saw a young Martin Mull. When you can make Adam Morrison look like a cross between Stalin and the beret-wearing guy from MythBusters you may want to stand a little closer to the razor in the morning.

NFL NOTES
--Toward the end legendary Alabama coach Bear Bryant spent weekdays propped up in his coaching tower like he was auditioning for Weekend At Bernie's. And though he spoke with so many marbles in his mouth it was like trying to decipher the lyrics bridge from "Aqualung" while wearing ear buds cranking out "Come On Eileen" (you snatched a listerine lobster roll with dizzy diaper downs?) he still delivered the occasional coaching wisdom.
    One of my favorites is when asked what made Penn State's Joe Paterno a great coach the Bear responded, "cause he can take his'n and beat your'n and then he'll take your'n and beat his'n". And while speech teachers and diction coaches take a second to recover I'll point out that given "his'n", "your'n" or the "1974 Miami Dolphins'n" it appears Chargers HC Norv Turner would have trouble winning on a consistent basis.
    From a classiness perspective Jets HC Rex Ryan spoke out of school last week when he said he would've won a couple of Championships if he had San Diego's talent, but from a facts of the matter perspective there was more than a little truth in his conceited ramblings. From 1994 to 2000 Turner produced only one playoff team as coach of the Redskins, but could take solace in the fact that being saddled with Gus Frerotte as his QB throughout much of that run was somewhat of a built-in excuse. In San Diego Phillip Rivers has been present through Turner's entire tenure and while he may be a shade behind Tom Brady and Peyton Manning in a decade where Jake Delhomme, Kerry Collins and Trent Dilfer have led Super Bowl teams that's a pretty good hand to be dealt. And then last year Norvell (I'm guessing) pulled off the greatest magic trick since David Copperfield got Claudia Schiffer to marry him by having his Chargers finish #1 in the NFL in both Offense and Defense (based on yards gained/yards allowed) and still miss the playoffs.
    Last week's 13 penalty, 2 turnover, 17-0 second half collapse effort doesn't make it appear that Turner has turned the corner as a coach and that's too bad as injuries to Jason Campbell and Jamaal Charles plus the general mediocrity in the AFC West leave the window of opportunity open once again. They say those who can do, those who can't teach and those who can't teach teach gym. In football those who can coach, those who can't coordinate and those who can't coordinate do color. If things don't take a better turn in Southern California soon Norv may be headed to the booth one way or another come 2012.

Have I even mentioned the Redskins in this post? Well if for no other reason I should have...

--It's said football is a game of adjustments and so is handicapping football. Just like the "Great Goatee Fire" of 1990 taught me that you have to light and blow out the match before making a Jefferson Airplane a missed play on Atlanta last week taught me that you can't become too wedded to a particular theory. That theory, formulated going into the year, was that the Falcons over-achieved by winning 13 games last year and as a speed oriented Dome team were particularly vunerable on the road this year. All went well early as the Dirty Birds were 1-2 SU and 0-3 ATS in their first 3 road tilts at Chi./T.B./Sea. So when they traveled to an overrated Detroit last week it looked like a classic no play game. What I forgot to take into account is that the Lions, of course, are a Dome team. So while Matt Ryan has a 94 QB Rate at Home against 79 on the Road if you pull out his record in Away Dome games you find that his Rate and TD/Int.% is almost identical to what it is at home. Atlanta was at no disadvantage at the Ford Field Dome and subsequently produced an outright win as as a Dog. They go to another Dome next week in Indy then get 3 straight at home before they could sail in vastly overrated to games at Houston and Carolina to kick off December. Stay liquid for a possible investment.

--Like a Ron Paul campaign stop or another season of Futurama no one seemed to care about the monumental blunder perpetrated by Tony Sparano last week. Amidst all the media genuflecting over what was mostly a poor Tim Tebow effort everyone ignored the fact that 6 seconds into the 4th quarter with many possessions left for both sides Sparano chose to go for two with his team up 12-0 rather than kick the extra point and make it a 13-0 game.
    So now I'm going to give you two words that should be on every announcer's lips when a coach decides to go for two..."TIME SENSITIVE"! The decision to go or not go for two should take into account how many possessions are remaining in the game (NOTE: It should also be "Personnel Sensitive" and "Opponent Sensitive", but for the sake of brevity and carpel tunnel syndrome we'll stick with Time only).
    In general teams average about 3.5 possessions per quarter. Since Denver was getting the ball first and just to be safe that meant they had at least 4 possessions left. This gave them a myriad of ways to reach 12-14 points so the idea is to make it as tough on them as possible. 13 is more beneficial than 12 and add a possible FG in one Miami's upcoming drives (they had produced points on 3 of their last 6) and 16 forces Denver to go for two twice just to tie. NFL teams are successful on 2-pt. conversions about 40% of the time. Obviously this is probably less for a bad, Matt Moore QBed team like Miami and not much better for Denver so put the onus on the Broncos to convert and take the easy points that are presented to you.
    OK, this has gotten as convoluted as the time I tried to teach my Special Ed. class how to score Roller Derby, but it's time to raise the discussion of when it's right and when it's wrong to go for two beyond what it says on "The Card".

Dolphins Cheerleader Lily Robbins apparently entering Greg Brady's attic bedroom.

--Fred's Pick (1-2-1) today is Tennessee -9 over Indy. For the Colts, like Melanie Griffiths plastic surgery has proven, it's almost impossible to look that bad without trying. Everyone saw their debacle in primetime Sunday night, but not as many may have noticed how thoroughly the Titans were garretted by a fading, Andre Johnson-less Houston last week. Arian Foster alone nearly doubled their yardage production and overall they were outgained 518-148. The bloom may be off the rose for Mike Munchak and Matt Hasselbeck in Nashville so were avoiding this one.
    Last week Fred pushed with Cleveland -3 vs. Seattle in a game with all the offensive punch of C. Montgomery Burns. The Seahawks produced 137 yards total offense, 2-12 third down conversions and were out-time of possessioned 42:28-17:32. But this is what happens when you let Barry Gibb be your QB.



--And finally our picks. We're 4-1-1 in our NFL selections the last two weeks so tread carefully as the dreaded regression may be lurking. Let's go Baltimore to make Kevin Kolb's life more miserable and take the Ravens -12.5. And in a wild stab Carolina-Minnesota Under 46.5. Emotionally immature and morally bankrupt...and this is one of my good days...I'm done!

How come I always get the Iranian guy with halitosis when I hail a cab?

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