Proud To Be An A$$hole From El Paso

    Will be keeping this short today after the Mexican Restaurant romp with colleagues last night. Let's just say I'm outta drinking shape for anything but beer. In fact the last time I did tequila shots and margaritas I ended up professing my undying love for the middle Hanson sibling only to find out later they were all brothers. And when did margaritas go the way of the traditional martini? Everyone they served me last night was so colorful, exotically flavored and glittery it looked like they tapped it out of Lady Gaga's ass. But who am I to complain...and moving on to some ancillary matters...

--Has A&E finally just given up and become the Storage Wars channel? It reminds me of the early days of the History Channel or as they should've called it back then-"Nazis 24/7". And if you're gonna go this way could we at least get less of fat ass Darrell in his wife-beater and more of Brandi in something low cut?

--To those who asked about it from yesterday's post it is true that Chaz Bono is shopping for a penis, but no he/she did not get it yet. My first thoughts on reading this were doesn't John Bobbitt have an extra one laying around? And secondly...are balls sold seperately?

--And finally enjoy the Bowl Game tonight...No not the National Championship game between LSU and Alabama, that's tomorrow, but the much anticipated GoDaddy.com Bowl featuring those bastions of gridiron greatness Northern Illinois and Arkansas State (see our bowl related Curse of Northern Illinois article here http://bowltilithurts.blogspot.com/2010/12/humanitarian-bowl-preview.html). Having these ridiculous 5th tier bowl games after the Rose, Orange, Sugar and Fiesta Bowls reminds me of the old Dana Gould bit about how the Larry King Live show used to feature two guests. They'd always put the top billed one on first as to not run short of time if the interview was going particularly well so that in the opening King would announce, "tonight's guests are Alexander Solzhitsnetzyn, the Pulitzer and Nobel Prize winning author who saw his entire family killed by the KGB then spent 19 years in a Soviet Gulag...and the man who played Fleagle on The Banana Splits." Enjoy the game...and, oh yeah, it's Arkansas State -1.5/65 if you want to try to at least make it interesting.

NFL
--In a disclaimer we'll point out that much like the rest of the year our official play on Houston/Cincinnati Under lost, but our analysis of a Saints dominated shootout and N.O/Over play was a winner. Today we'll just throw all the plays out there and you can judge for yourself.

--Disclaimer II: Fred of Fred's Picks texted, in light of his 4 game losing streak, "I abdicate my position much like Kaiser Wilhelm the 2nd!" I assume this means there will be no selection today...as to whether he'll also be exiling himself to The Netherlands, however, is unclear at this point.

--Pittsburgh at Denver: Talk is that this game could be make or break for the Grand Tim Tebow Experiment after two extraordinarily dismal performances to end the year. For those who have tried to forget I'll remind you that in Week 16 at Buffalo Tebow became the biggest turnover machine since Dave Krieg and his tiny, Vietnamese girl hands were fumbling away games  for Chuck Knox's Seahawks of the 90's. This was followed by a Week 17 disaster with the playoffs on the line where Timmy put up a 20.1 QB rating which is even harder than it seems in that much like filling in your name correctly on the SAT you get 18.0 points for just stepping on the field.
    All in all though we were big supporters of giving Tebow a chance. The Broncos are improving in many areas with the emergence of Von Miller on defense and Demaryius Thomas at WR, but they're still a safe distance from Super. Leaving Kyle Orton or some other middle of the road veteran out there while the highly drafted Tebow languished on the bench would be like the Kansas City Royals signing Jamie Moyer. What would be the point? Let the kid play and sink or swim on his own.
    So did he sink or did he swim? That's the problem. Kudos to the Broncos for tweaking the offense to play to Tebow's strengths, but things may have gone too far. An easy sked and inept performances by their opponents in the latter half of the season allowed the Denver offensive staff to put Tebow in a bubble for several weeks as they ran the ball ad nauseum and only let TT pass in late, desperate situations against loose, prevent defenses. Sure it all worked out in a playoff berth, but in terms of truly evaluating their unique QB the Broncos struck out.
    In the end it's obvious Tebow needs to show at least some vertical threat in order to keep defenses honest and allow the spread option game to work. That means again re-working the offense, giving Tebow plenty of game speed reps in that offense, constant re-evaluation of mechanics/decision making and a willingness to risk losing some games in order to get answers. Sure it might all work out in the end, but like being married, to say, Sharon Stone...it sounds like a lotta work. We expect GM Elway to be QB shopping in the offseason for someone of a more conventional bent.
    As for the game the question remains...How will Denver possibly score today? They have put up more than two TDs only twice in Tebow's 11 starts and those came against Oakland, who recently fired their Defensive Coordinator, and Minnesota who finished an ugly 31st in Total Defense. Today, however, they get the fairest stop troops in all the land as Pittsburgh finished #1 defensively giving up only 14.1 points per game. Even worse they held opponents to under 100 ypg on the ground and allowed the second least rushing TDs in the league. Toss in a blitzing James Harrison and a ball-hawking Troy Polamalu and you might want to keep the kids in their rooms as no impressionable youth should be exposed to what could be an unsafe helping of Brady Quinn.
   Earlier this year the Steelers took on a Seattle team sporting the youngest offensive line since the expansion year Carolina Panthers and shut them out 24-0. We see more of the same here so we'll go Pittsburgh -9 and with Big Ben still limping the run-first approach will hopefully keep this one Under 33.5 in the antidote to your Lions-Saints hangover.

Officially the Steelers don't have cheerleaders, but these girls seem to be in the spirit!

--Atlanta at New York Giants: On Tuesday the temperature here in New York was 8 with a wind chill of -2. Today it's 52 and could reach as high as 60. Up, down, big, small frankly my testicles don't know what to do these days. Seemingly this bodes well for the Dome as Home Falcons, but after many a frozen tailgating adventure at The Meadowlands we can assure it's always 20 degrees colder in the swamps of Jersey and the wind is constantly swirling. We've detailed Matt Ryan's H/A splits here in the past, but to update you this year he had a 102.9 QB rate and 17/5 ratio at home against 84.6 and 12/7 on the road.
    On the other hand we're no big fans of the Giants and feel their playoff clinching wins over the Jets and Cowboys were as much the result of flawed opponents as it was their own ability. The one thing we do know is that the Giants Front Four has been playing well. For the year they ranked tied with the Ravens for 3rd in sacks against the Falcons' below average 21st ranking. Both O-Lines allowed a similiar number of sacks so it should be the Giants in Matt Ryan's face more often than the Falcons in Eli Manning's.
    All this bodes well for another possible big game for WR Victor Cruz which seems stunning. Not that Cruz isn't a talent, but more that he has broken virtually every receiving record in the long history of the Giants franchise this year and still defenses refuse to pay him any special attention. Against the Jets Darrell Revis spent most of his time matched up against a hobbling Hakeem Nicks and broke up at least 3 passes intended for 4th stringer Ramses Barden, a player who I assume was given that name to remind his parents to use a condom in the future. Expect more of the same as from observation it appears the Falcons let their CBs play sides of the field rather than match up with certain receivers. Still we'll go Under 47.5 here, but make it a Favorites sweep of the weekend by taking the Giants -3.

There are no official Giant cheerleaders either. But at this point let me add that the ubiquity of these large breasted, small waisted women on the Internet has almost become boring...

...as I said..."almost"...

I couldn't write another line...nor do you want me when this is waiting...

Another British Page 6 girl...Can you get a U.S. subscription to the Daily Mirror?

Life...Sleeping...Wife (NFL Notes-Week 12)

    Sitting here trying to figure out what to write and finishing off the Thanksgiving Leftovers by which I mean shots of Wild Turkey with a Potato Vodka and Cranberry Juice chaser. And come to think of it how do you even squeeze potatoes into Vodka? Apparently the Russians and Poles were the ones smart and/or drunk enough to figure this out which reminds me of the Denis Leary bit in which he is thankful that the Irish didn't know this recipe in the mid-1800s as it would've put an even more devasting take on the Potato Famine..."We're outta food, oh well...and alcohol? Jesus H. Christ! Kill me now!!"

    Next, for those of you who bother to read our College Football posts I should point out that talent clueless ex-Notre Dame coach Bob Davie is the new HC at New Mexico and not Mike Leach as we mentioned. Good luck with that.
    In an earlier post we pointed out that Davie's tenure at ND and as an analyst at ESPN has been marked by an ability to evaluate talent that rivals Matt Millen. Davie, who once touted Ron Powlus as the second coming of Joe Montana, reminds me of my College roommate John who thought every new band that had a hit on the radio was the next Pink Floyd. But sometimes you just gotta take a long hard listen and realize it's time to put the Eurythmics and Wall of Voodoo albums at the back of the shelf and stick with "Dark Side of the Moon".
    Last night's hammering by Stanford was perfect evidence of how far Notre Dame has fallen in terms of recruiting Blue Chip talent under Davie and then "too nice" coaches like Ty Willingham and Charlie Weis. In the past month Stanford played two top talent/recruiting squads in USC and Oregon and had 101 points hung on them by offenses that brought both size and speed to the table. The Irish, on the other hand, scored 14 points with 7 coming on a meaningless score with :35 left.
    Notre Dame still has size, but lacks speed; still reacts smart, but moves slow...or as Green Bay WR Jordy Nelson put it in an interview this week, they "play white". I'm not sure I'm allowed to go any further with that metaphor plus this is supposed to be an NFL post, but let's just say HC Brian Jones needs to add some color (in the generic sense) to what has too long been a vanilla Notre Dame squad.

   And in one last note from yesterday our picks split, but I haven't taken a boning like the one I got on the Michigan-Ohio State game since that night I spent in the Los Angeles County Correctional Facility for peeing on Tony Danza's Star and screaming, "Who's the Boss now, huh?" For those who missed it the would-be covering TD was first overturned by review and placed two inches from the goal line as if the length of the stab wound on S.D. Jones' back (that's what it was, right) was "indisputable evidence", This gave the Wolverines two shots to punch it in, but when their first try succeeded they were called for not only Holding, but a Personal Foul creating 3rd and goal from the 25 and, ultimately, settled for a non-covering FG...This is why people play Fantasy Football.

NFL NOTES
--The Thanksgiving Games: You can only fool people so long, as evidenced by the band we formed in college and named "Free Beer" so that the marquee at the Student Union would read "Tonight Only-Free Beer"...We drew an SRO crowd but, suffice to say, things turned ugly. Similiarly Jim Harbaugh has done a great job drawing attention to the 49ers with their 9-1 start, but uneventful wins over Cleveland, Washington and Arizona over the last month were hardly the stuff that stamped them Super Bowl contenders. Thursday night's ugly 170 total yard, 9 times sacked, 6 point performance at Baltimore shows that this club still has a ways to go. Not that we're telling you anything you probably didn't already guess, but it's just a reminder that playing in the NFC West can mask many a blemish. For the remainder of the year the Niners play 4 games against division opponents with one against Pittsburgh sandwiched in between. If that doesn't strike you as a wagering possibility San Francisco's Treat (which by the way was my nickname in college...what, I liked rice...) could be rolling into the playoffs as a soft #2 seed at 13-3. They are currently 1-2 against teams that would be in the playoffs if the season ended today and have averaged a mere 225 ypg in those contests so betting opportunities would appear to abound...Dallas' win over Miami has them in first place by a half game over the Giants going into today's action. The Cowboys did not exactly impress Turkey Day so they need to make hay over the next two weeks when the Giants will be underdogs against New Orleans (today) and Green Bay while the 'Boys get the potentially 3-8 Cardinals next week. Jerry's Kids then finish with 2 vs. NYG plus Philly and at T.B. while the Giants get Washington and the Jets in addition to the Dallas duo which could make the race for the NFC East and the two Wild Card spots, with Atlanta, Detroit and Chicago in that picture, very interesting...As for the Lions 12 turnovers in the last 3 weeks has tempered their 6-2 start, but let's talk Ndamukong Suh. Suspension? Absolutely, but not so much for going after a GB lineman like a 21st Century Mongolian Stomper, but for his postgame comments trying to convince us he was just attemping to "get his balance". As the old saying goes, "don't piss in my ear and tell me it's raining"...unless, of course, you look like this at which point I believe it becomes a Golden Shower. If you're gonna lie to me at least put a little effort into it. I've had enough already of people telling me "I smoked, but I didn't inhale" or "Guaranteed to add two inches..." it just doesn't work...er...I mean it just isn't true and if we keep on buying it these asses can get away with anything.

--Years ago I was somehow coaxed into taking a Safari vacation to Central Africa with a girlfriend. When people asked how it was she told tale of magnificent vistas, wild animals and exotic cultures while I tended to lean close to the inquisitor and in my best Old Jewish Man Sending Back Soup In A Deli-voice said, "it used to be nice, but it's all Black now..."
    In other words everyone has a different take on things, some silly, some realistic. In sports, however, people don't generally want realistic, they want heroes. As witnessed by a 1990's Nets game I attended in New Jersey where the team held "Michael Jordan Night" in honor of a player on the opposing team complete with Jordan posters and wristbands for kids under 15. When the Bulls trailed by 10 going into the 4th Quarter and Jordan had scored 5 points on 2-16 shooting Fred (of Fred's Picks), who just happened to have Chicago laying a dozen, stood up and screamed, "Jordan Sucks", causing children to cry and parents to cast dirty looks as the reality of that evening, at least, was brought directly up to them.
    And here's where we talk about Tim Tebow. John Elway's comments about not being ready to anoint Tebow the Franchise QB just yet were about as sober and well thought out as you could get from of an ex-athlete turned GM. In his 5 starts TT is 4-1, but 3 of those victories are by 7 points or less and the loss was a complete debacle at home against the never-known-as-road-warriors Lions. The nationally televised win over the Jets was not so much a Coming-Out Party for Timmy whose offense produced a measly 140 yards in 3 and a half quarters as it was a I Wish He'd Go Back In Party for Mark Sanchez haters throughout the Tri-State area.
    And just as the hero-worshippers are loading up the Tebow bandwagon they're just as quickly jumping off Norv Turner's sinking ship in San Diego. The line in that game has already dropped from -7 to -5.5. It's not "Tim Tebow Day" at Qualcomm Stadium in San Diego, but the sound of "Tebow Sucks" just might be heard from the crowd only this time I can assure you it won't be Fred wagering on the Golden Boy this time around.

Not sure who she cheers for, but the team definitely needs to get her a bigger shirt...

--In fact Fred's pick (4-3-1) today is Tennessee -3 over Tampa Bay which means he may have been reading, and concurring, with our Tampa bashing on these pages over the weeks. Despite what the press would like you to think QB Josh Freeman is not hurt or being let down by his O-Line he's simply regressing back to the mean that falls somewhere between his abysmal Rookie year and magical second season. And speaking of regressions if you like to place an exotic wager every now and then try Cleveland to win the coin toss today. They currently stand at 0-10 on the year which means, as the statisticians will tell us, that their chances of winning today are exactly 50-50. Still, I frequently play the Lottery, a Government sponsored tax on people who are bad at Math, so I'm thinking I just might take a flier on that one in Cincinnati.

--On the injury front remember Adrian Peterson is out for Minny, Matt Leinart starts in Houston and Caleb Hanie, who I believe used to play the used Furniture/Tools salesman on Green Acres ("I just happen to have one on the truck"), goes in place of Jay Cutler for the Bears. For those unconcerned about this last change because you remember Hanie filling in so admirably against the Packers in last year's NFC Championship Game just be forewarned that Chicago coaches were so worried that they auditioned Luke McCown  or Josh McCown or Cade McNown or Les Brown and His Band of Renown or some such spare part this week so confidence is not exactly brimming in Lovie Smith's and Mike Martz' worlds.

--As for my pick we're gonna stick to our guns and call for San Diego to end their 5 game losing streak at      -5.5 over Denver with Phillip Rivers finally getting back on track. After being backdoor-ed by Jake "Davy Jones'" Locker last week I'm pretty much throwin' darts at this point. As for the biggest "Public" teams, according to BeyondTheBets.com the money is flowing in on Pittsburgh, Carolina and New England. After getting pounded by the public early these games have been going the Bookies way of late so tread carefully. And finally the weather is nice in the Northeast today and if Michael Vick plays against a soft Pats D and Tom Brady gets to fling it around against Juan Castillo's stop troops could we be looking at a shootout? Food for thought...now some for me...I'm through!

No wonder the Swiss are always neutral...who's gonna fight when you're running this up the flag pole?