Proud To Be An A$$hole From El Paso

    Will be keeping this short today after the Mexican Restaurant romp with colleagues last night. Let's just say I'm outta drinking shape for anything but beer. In fact the last time I did tequila shots and margaritas I ended up professing my undying love for the middle Hanson sibling only to find out later they were all brothers. And when did margaritas go the way of the traditional martini? Everyone they served me last night was so colorful, exotically flavored and glittery it looked like they tapped it out of Lady Gaga's ass. But who am I to complain...and moving on to some ancillary matters...

--Has A&E finally just given up and become the Storage Wars channel? It reminds me of the early days of the History Channel or as they should've called it back then-"Nazis 24/7". And if you're gonna go this way could we at least get less of fat ass Darrell in his wife-beater and more of Brandi in something low cut?

--To those who asked about it from yesterday's post it is true that Chaz Bono is shopping for a penis, but no he/she did not get it yet. My first thoughts on reading this were doesn't John Bobbitt have an extra one laying around? And secondly...are balls sold seperately?

--And finally enjoy the Bowl Game tonight...No not the National Championship game between LSU and Alabama, that's tomorrow, but the much anticipated GoDaddy.com Bowl featuring those bastions of gridiron greatness Northern Illinois and Arkansas State (see our bowl related Curse of Northern Illinois article here http://bowltilithurts.blogspot.com/2010/12/humanitarian-bowl-preview.html). Having these ridiculous 5th tier bowl games after the Rose, Orange, Sugar and Fiesta Bowls reminds me of the old Dana Gould bit about how the Larry King Live show used to feature two guests. They'd always put the top billed one on first as to not run short of time if the interview was going particularly well so that in the opening King would announce, "tonight's guests are Alexander Solzhitsnetzyn, the Pulitzer and Nobel Prize winning author who saw his entire family killed by the KGB then spent 19 years in a Soviet Gulag...and the man who played Fleagle on The Banana Splits." Enjoy the game...and, oh yeah, it's Arkansas State -1.5/65 if you want to try to at least make it interesting.

NFL
--In a disclaimer we'll point out that much like the rest of the year our official play on Houston/Cincinnati Under lost, but our analysis of a Saints dominated shootout and N.O/Over play was a winner. Today we'll just throw all the plays out there and you can judge for yourself.

--Disclaimer II: Fred of Fred's Picks texted, in light of his 4 game losing streak, "I abdicate my position much like Kaiser Wilhelm the 2nd!" I assume this means there will be no selection today...as to whether he'll also be exiling himself to The Netherlands, however, is unclear at this point.

--Pittsburgh at Denver: Talk is that this game could be make or break for the Grand Tim Tebow Experiment after two extraordinarily dismal performances to end the year. For those who have tried to forget I'll remind you that in Week 16 at Buffalo Tebow became the biggest turnover machine since Dave Krieg and his tiny, Vietnamese girl hands were fumbling away games  for Chuck Knox's Seahawks of the 90's. This was followed by a Week 17 disaster with the playoffs on the line where Timmy put up a 20.1 QB rating which is even harder than it seems in that much like filling in your name correctly on the SAT you get 18.0 points for just stepping on the field.
    All in all though we were big supporters of giving Tebow a chance. The Broncos are improving in many areas with the emergence of Von Miller on defense and Demaryius Thomas at WR, but they're still a safe distance from Super. Leaving Kyle Orton or some other middle of the road veteran out there while the highly drafted Tebow languished on the bench would be like the Kansas City Royals signing Jamie Moyer. What would be the point? Let the kid play and sink or swim on his own.
    So did he sink or did he swim? That's the problem. Kudos to the Broncos for tweaking the offense to play to Tebow's strengths, but things may have gone too far. An easy sked and inept performances by their opponents in the latter half of the season allowed the Denver offensive staff to put Tebow in a bubble for several weeks as they ran the ball ad nauseum and only let TT pass in late, desperate situations against loose, prevent defenses. Sure it all worked out in a playoff berth, but in terms of truly evaluating their unique QB the Broncos struck out.
    In the end it's obvious Tebow needs to show at least some vertical threat in order to keep defenses honest and allow the spread option game to work. That means again re-working the offense, giving Tebow plenty of game speed reps in that offense, constant re-evaluation of mechanics/decision making and a willingness to risk losing some games in order to get answers. Sure it might all work out in the end, but like being married, to say, Sharon Stone...it sounds like a lotta work. We expect GM Elway to be QB shopping in the offseason for someone of a more conventional bent.
    As for the game the question remains...How will Denver possibly score today? They have put up more than two TDs only twice in Tebow's 11 starts and those came against Oakland, who recently fired their Defensive Coordinator, and Minnesota who finished an ugly 31st in Total Defense. Today, however, they get the fairest stop troops in all the land as Pittsburgh finished #1 defensively giving up only 14.1 points per game. Even worse they held opponents to under 100 ypg on the ground and allowed the second least rushing TDs in the league. Toss in a blitzing James Harrison and a ball-hawking Troy Polamalu and you might want to keep the kids in their rooms as no impressionable youth should be exposed to what could be an unsafe helping of Brady Quinn.
   Earlier this year the Steelers took on a Seattle team sporting the youngest offensive line since the expansion year Carolina Panthers and shut them out 24-0. We see more of the same here so we'll go Pittsburgh -9 and with Big Ben still limping the run-first approach will hopefully keep this one Under 33.5 in the antidote to your Lions-Saints hangover.

Officially the Steelers don't have cheerleaders, but these girls seem to be in the spirit!

--Atlanta at New York Giants: On Tuesday the temperature here in New York was 8 with a wind chill of -2. Today it's 52 and could reach as high as 60. Up, down, big, small frankly my testicles don't know what to do these days. Seemingly this bodes well for the Dome as Home Falcons, but after many a frozen tailgating adventure at The Meadowlands we can assure it's always 20 degrees colder in the swamps of Jersey and the wind is constantly swirling. We've detailed Matt Ryan's H/A splits here in the past, but to update you this year he had a 102.9 QB rate and 17/5 ratio at home against 84.6 and 12/7 on the road.
    On the other hand we're no big fans of the Giants and feel their playoff clinching wins over the Jets and Cowboys were as much the result of flawed opponents as it was their own ability. The one thing we do know is that the Giants Front Four has been playing well. For the year they ranked tied with the Ravens for 3rd in sacks against the Falcons' below average 21st ranking. Both O-Lines allowed a similiar number of sacks so it should be the Giants in Matt Ryan's face more often than the Falcons in Eli Manning's.
    All this bodes well for another possible big game for WR Victor Cruz which seems stunning. Not that Cruz isn't a talent, but more that he has broken virtually every receiving record in the long history of the Giants franchise this year and still defenses refuse to pay him any special attention. Against the Jets Darrell Revis spent most of his time matched up against a hobbling Hakeem Nicks and broke up at least 3 passes intended for 4th stringer Ramses Barden, a player who I assume was given that name to remind his parents to use a condom in the future. Expect more of the same as from observation it appears the Falcons let their CBs play sides of the field rather than match up with certain receivers. Still we'll go Under 47.5 here, but make it a Favorites sweep of the weekend by taking the Giants -3.

There are no official Giant cheerleaders either. But at this point let me add that the ubiquity of these large breasted, small waisted women on the Internet has almost become boring...

...as I said..."almost"...

I couldn't write another line...nor do you want me when this is waiting...

Another British Page 6 girl...Can you get a U.S. subscription to the Daily Mirror?

Banal Bleacher Blatherings Are Back

    Unlike my first 37 EHarmony hookups Bleacher Report has actually allowed me a return date. So check out the latest article here http://bleacherreport.com/articles/620876-2011-pittsburgh-steelers-can-ben-roethlisberger-and-company-avoid-a-super-slump  As I continue the bar debate over whether "Goldberg" was the wrestler's real name or he changed it to that for wrestling-"let's see they've got The Rock, Stone Cold, The Undertaker...I'm thinking something Jewish might work.." Yeah, that sounds like what happened.
I still think Ted Danson would've been better off marrying this Goldberg...

Let's Get This Over With...

Green Bay -3/45   
    Hundreds of paragraphs, dozens of bad pans, a multitude of pop culture references and a dash of football history later this blog is coming to the finish line...or as my Father commented after paging through my last two months of toil and sweat, "well, that certainly is a lot of words." Thanks Dad. But now as we stand perched on the TV Sports abyss that is the NHL Game of the Week (bring back Peter Puck, dammit) and Spring Training Baseball it's time to make our final selection of the season.
    Now to call me a cynic is like saying Nicole Richie is a picky eater or Gary Busey's a bit quirky. Thus despite being faced with deciding between the theoretically two best team's in the NFL like Frank Costanza at the Festivus Airing of the Grievances I have a lot problems with these teams.
    Looking at Pittsburgh I see a club that was not exactly a road demon at the end of the year, nearly getting outscored overall in 5 of their last six road games that included tilts with such under/non achievers as Buffalo, Cincinnati and Miami. They also lost to a then reeling Jet team before righting the ship versus the mailing-it-in pair of Carolina and Cleveland. So far in the playoffs it's been a mixed bag. Coming from behind via the arm of Roethlisberger to beat Baltimore then running off and hiding vs. a Jets team that came out flat behind a big running day from Mendenhall. In neither game did they top 300 yards in offense and there was still a chance for both opponents to overcome their horrendous Halfs and pull the game out late. Their run defense is unshakeable, but their pass D is more middle of the road, bolstered by a a league leading 48 sacks. Problem is Green Bay by their own admission doesn't care if they run for many yards as long as they stay close enough to get the requisite attempts to keep the defense honest. Additionally Aaron Rodgers is an effective runner, much better than Flacco or Sanchez which may help to mitigate the Steeler blitz.
    But before you think we're leaning Green Bay's way let's look at the Pack's foibles of which we found several. First off the Lombardi Boys did not exactly play a killer schedule. Of their three wins vs. playoff teams in two (against the Eagles and Jets) they were outgained and the other was against a Bear team, that had clinched their #2 seed, in the last game of the year. In the playoffs their win over Atlanta seems a bit suspect when you consider that the Saints loss to Seattle seems to taint the quality of the whole NFC South pool. The following week in a return engagement with the Bears they almost let a guy who sounds like he should be as The"other" Eagles put it "out riding fences", Caleb Hanie, nearly pull off an improbable comeback in a game they should've won handily. In terms of offense we have complete faith in Aaron Rodgers which is good since James Starks and company should be as effective as Anderson Cooper's bodyguards in Cairo. Defensively Green Bay was very effective against the pass, but very average versus the run. So what does it all add up to?
    We see a close game with each team's strengths and weaknesses playing off each other. That said Special Teams might play a big role and in terms of the kicking game Green Bay gets the nod. P Tim Masthay was nearly team MVP against Chicago, Mason Crosby we know is solid and as for Steeler kicker Shaun Suisham, well, like Michael Jackson' marriage to Lisa Marie Presley something just doesn't seem right. Hard to picture the Redskins castoff going all Vinatieri in this one. Aaron Rodgers is the ultimate hot hand here, but remember he did not throw a TD against the Bears and had two picks. With no threat at TE, Donald Driver nicked up and James Jones/Jordy Nelson not looking like guys who will step up Mr. Rodgers may not find it such a beautiful day in Harrison/Polumalu's neighborhood. Conversely the Steelers will try to run and should have some success. Even if Mike Wallace is eliminated as a deep threat Heath Miller and Hines Ward could be effective underneath. Therefore our prediction in order of strength is Under and Pittsburgh. Good luck...and if you've learned one thing here I think it's, please, stay off the drugs.

From The Diamonds On The Sidewalk To The Dirt In The Gutter

THE FIVE WORST SUPER BOWL FOLLOWUPS

    Success can be fleeting. Just ask Dexy’s Midnight Runners, Harper Lee or the guy who played “Epstein” on Welcome Back Kotter and they’ll no doubt tell you that today’s gold may turn into tomorrow’s garbage. With Super Bowl XLV only days away the Green Bay Packers and Pittsburgh Steelers find themselves on top of the world, but just as Seinfeld begat The Marriage Ref, Dances With Wolves led to Waterworld and the folks who blew our minds with “White Rabbit” tortured our very souls with “We Built This City on Rock N Roll” things can change at any minute. As proof here’s our list of the five worst Super Bowl follow-ups of all time:

1988 Washington Redskins- You’d expect the services of Jay Schroeder as your starting QB to be in as much demand as, say, Andy Dick’s Daycare, but if you were in our nation’s capitol in the ‘80’s you’d be mistaken. Fresh off an All-Pro selection in 1986 Schroeder was expected to be the helmsmen that made them forget Joe Theismann and his dangling tibia in the Land of The Hogs. Unfortunately Jay went the route of Joe winding up on IR late in the ’87 season forcing Joe Gibbs to hand the ball over to a 32 year-old Doug Williams fresh off a two year run with the Oklahoma/Arizona Outlaws of the USFL. That Williams was actually third choice as starter behind an undrafted, unknown and frankly made up sounding Ed “The Legend” Rubbert (http://www.pro-football-reference.com/players/R/RubbEd20.htm) was quickly forgotten when ol’ Doug had the game of his life in winning Super Bowl XXII. Next thing you know Schroeder was off to Oakland, Williams returned to missing receivers like they were 7:15 Monday morning Poly-Sci classes and the folks in D.C. were left wondering where it all went wrong in a 7-9 year.

2003 Oakland Raiders- Unless you’re running a Thai brothel or Vietnamese sneaker factory employing veteran experience is generally a plus, but in 2002 Al Davis’ Traveling Circus took this idea to Matlock demographics-like levels. With the exception of Jerry Porter every significant skill position player was on the wrong side of 30 including an Early Bird Special dining Jerry Rice who led the team in receptions and yards at the tender age of 41. Throw in a defense led by a pair of 37 year-olds in Rod Woodson and Bill Romanowski and this squad seemed more likely to break a collective hip than wind up in the Super Bowl. When QB Rich Gannon, RBs Wheatley and Garner, as well as, the aforementioned defensive duo predictably succumbed to injuries the following year the Raiders limped home 4-12. Since then it’s been “Just Lose, Baby” with zero playoff appearances and only one season, this last, with more than 5 victories. But you’re right, Al, Tom Cable was the problem.

1987 New York Giants- We all know Bill Parcells’ is a genius and like many a genius he can be temperamental when people fool with his master work. The NFL owners did just that in 1987 when they locked the players out two games into the season. And the fact that The Gi’nts had already lost those two games made it the perfect time for the Pear-shaped Parcells (I wished he coached the Vikings so it would look like they had McDonald’s Grimace on the sidelines) to cop an excuse for his underachieving club. Thus when the owners decided to use replacement players in an attempt to force a settlement with the Player’s Union Big-Boned Bill announced in a fit of pique that he refused to hold tryouts and would simply use the first 40 bodies that walked through the door. That the team’s replacement QB Mike Busch completed a Ryan Leaf meets Quincy Carter-like 36.2% of his passes and the team lost both games on the way to a 6-9 record is “Clay Aiken comes out of the closet” kind of shocking.

1999 Atlanta Falcons- Unfortunately sometimes timing is everything. And like proposing to Kirstie Alley right before she had her first Krispy Kreme

Minnesota kicker Gary Anderson’s was off in 1998 when his only miss in 40 FG attempts helped send Atlanta to Super Bowl XXXIII. But that wasn’t the only bit of good luck the Dirty Birds experienced that year. A miraculous run of health led to a 194 point turnaround as the defense went from 20^th to 5^th overall, Jamal Anderson survived a mind-numbing 410 carries and an aging Chris Chandler dodged the MRI tube long enough to register the only plus 100 QB Rate of his career. Alas, as Charlie Sheen’s liver is letting him know (hernia, my ass), the good times don’t last forever. In ’99 the defense regressed back to a nasty mean ranking 25^th in points allowed, Chris Chandler reverted to his usual Game Manager at best form and Jamal Anderson tore up his ACL like an out of state parking ticket a mere 391 attempts shy of the previous year all adding up to a spot on our list at 5-11.

1990 Denver Broncos- Like the Grey Cup or a Goodwill Games gold medal the 1989 AFC Final was a Title no one cared about. See the Denver Broncos were the only team in the conference that year to finish with more than 9 wins while the NFC was so strong both Green Bay and Washington stayed home come playoff time despite 10-6 records. Two uninspiring playoff victories later and the Mile High-ers turned biggest “jobbers" since Frankie Williams (http://www.obsessedwithwrestling.com/profiles/f/frankie-williams.php) appeared on “Piper’s Pit” laying down for Bill Walsh’s Frisco dynasty in a 55-10 pounding. When 1990 rolled around the John Elway-led offense continued to hold its own despite Dan Reeves’ conservative, Fantasy stat crushing gameplan, but the defense went into a spiral of Leif Garrett-esque proportions allowing over 145 points more than ’89 and contributing mightily to a -18 swing in turnovers as the Broncos would finish a mere 5-11 in the worst team season of Elway’s career.

Honorable Mention- 1982 S.F 49ers (3-6), 1999 Denver Broncos (6-10), 2005 Philadelphia Eagles (6-10)

 Back tomorrow afternoon with our picks!

Saturday Meanderings

    Who's pumped for the Pro Bowl!?!...yeah me neither. If I wanna see overpaid entertainers going through the motions I can always view my DVD boxed set of After M*A*S*H or the 2008 New York Yankee recap Waiting Out Giambi: The Darrell Rasner Story. In the meantime let's take care of some ancillary matters.

SELECTIONS RECORD

Sides: 8-2 (11-3 dating back to Bowl games)...Strange, after going 6 for our first 8 on the NFL Playoffs I was expecting to crash harder than Jimmy Buffett in Australia last week. Instead we drunkenly, inexplicably and with little or no effort stumbled into more success. Like Charlie Sheen without the chlamydia. I'm sure the Internet community breathlessly awaits our side selection on the Super Bowl, as for our total play well...

Totals: 3-7 (6-8 dating back to Bowl games)...not so much. We were correct on the G.B./Chi. total, but Pittsburgh once again saw their total go over proving that a top defense does not an Under make. In fact the key to most Under  plays is the ability to find teams that through defensive ability or offensive ineptitude find ways to turn TDs into FGs. Offenses in today's NFL will get their chances the key is to find those situations where, like the N.Y. Mets, team's are likely to do less with more.

Overall: 11-9 (17-11 dating back to Bowl games) That's a 110 unit profit on 100 units per wager for the NFL Playoffs and a 490 unit profit including Bowls. And they said that GED would never pay off!

    Finally we'll be wrapping this blog shortly after the Super Bowl. I'd like to offer thanks to each and every one of my loyal readers...and sadly with a Schlitz Party Ball and half a bag of Cheetos I probably could. Nonetheless MLB Spring Training begins in two weeks and we figure why not turn our sardonic eye on a business that offers us a plethora of punching bags from Bud Selig's hair to the Triple A squad masquerading as the Pittsburgh Pirates. If you have any ideas for the slant/theme of this effort, such that it will be, feel free to comment here anytime or reach out to us at tsha3217@gmail.com. Selections and miscellany will be up soon so be sure to check back and when the new blog opens we'll have the link right here. Enjoy the NHL All-Star game...it really sneaks up on you, right? See ya for Super Bowl XLV!

Banefully, Beleagured Bets

NFL Playoff
Overall: 8-8
Sides: 6-2   Note: This goes to 9-3 if you include my Dumpster Baby aborted College Bowl selections.
Totals: 2-6

    In the "Moneyball" world of sabermetrics they call it "Regression to the Mean" or for those who can't recall their 7th grade math it's the reason a 20 HR-a-year guy like Raul Ibanez can jack 34 at age 37 then go back down to 16 (in 61 more ABs mind you) the very next year. Of course, a couple shots of Miguel Tejada's special "B-12" may have helped, but that's neither here nor there. As Dusty Rhodes once felt the need to remind Georgia Championship Wrestling fans, "there ain't a stee-roid runnin' through this body" (though it couldn't have hurt in trying to reduce that giant goiter on his stomach) and I similiarly am drug free- at least as far as the NJ Department of Education is concerned. That means I'm subject to the same "regression" that old Raul suffered in 2010 or in other words it may be time to jump on my Totals predictions and go against the Sides. You be the judge, but as always remember when you're daughter asks why she has to go to Community College don't curse my name and point to the Island of Curacao on a map.

Pittsburgh -4/38
    First let me say I'm getting a little tired of this "J-E-T-S" chant that's filling every watering hole in the tri-state area. If I want to be subjected to an Elementary spelling competition I'll turn on the Game Show Network and watch a plastic-faced Chuck Woolery and that big titted, too hot for porn, too skanky for Soap Operas bimbo host Lingo!. If you want a team cheer at least come up with something witty like the University of Texas cheer squad did when they used to play Rice University every year in the old "if you ain't cheatin', you ain't tryin'" Southwest Conference:
                
                           Texas Cheerleaders: "What comes out of a Chinaman's ass?"

                           Longhorn Fans: "Rice! Rice! Rice!"

Now that's a cheer. Nonetheless let's get to the real issue here- how will this game play out?
    As we mentioned before Rex Ryan is one of the cockiest coaches around which should come as no surprise considering he was hired by an owner named Woody Johnson (that's irony Alanis Morrisette, not a fly in your soup, that's just unfortunate). Confidence, brashness the ability to motivate a team to play beyond it's ability are great qualities in a coach, but attitude and pep talks can only take you so far past your talent level. So is today the day Rex's cockiness gets Lorena Bobbitt-ed? Sadly we think so (sorry Brian).
     Mike Tomlin may not be as colorful as the "John Kruk of the Toe Suck", but he can also coach up some D. In their November meeting the Steelers held the Jets to 276 total yards, outgained them by over 100 yards and that was without difference-maker Troy Polamalu who will play today. Additionally the Jets were not exactly Hawk and Animal (that's Road Warriors, I'm on a 1980's wrestling jag today) in the second half of the year. They should have lost back-to-back away games at lowly Cleveland and Detroit, then were demolished at New England. They righted the ship somewhat with the win in Pitt, but then were gashed for 38 points and three 25+ yard TD passes in the third quarter alone at Chicago.
    And that last point may be critical. The Bears have vertical threats in Johnny Knox and Devin Hester who hauled in those three TDs. The Colts "field stretcher" Pierre Garcon went for 117 yards in the Wild Card round, but the Patriots had no such option beyond the Methusalean Deion Branch. Pittsburgh, conversely, sports the perfect complement to cause trouble for the Jets in possesion man Hines Ward and full blown deep threat Mike Wallace. Add this to the fact that I'd much rather support Ben Roethlisberger than ride the Mark Sanchez rollercoaster (62.4 QB Rate vs. Ind., 127.3 vs. N.E.) in a big game. If the Steelers somewhat makeshift OL can play Viagra and keep Big Ben reasonably erect we like their chances against a Jet team that may have peaked for their Patriots grudge match. We'll call it STEELERS and UNDER-follow at your own risk.

Green Bay -3.5/42.5
    In the Bizarro Universe that is the parity of the NFL we have here a #6 seed on the road vs. a #2 and giving more than a FG. This is solely because the sports world at large has finally "discovered" Aaron Rodgers which creates a multi-dimensional dilemma in our thinking. Having had Rodgers on our Fantasy teams the last two years we adore him with the kind of love that's usually reserved for Rectories after Altar Boy practice. Still we hate to jump on a bandwagon because they tend to overturn with the fat, zit-faced tuba player usually landing right on top of us- metaphorically speaking. We would also love the under in Lock of the Year fashion if it weren't for that 10-3 game that might have the public leaning that way today.
    So to hell with it all. Like John Prine's protagonist in "Often is a Word I Seldom Use", I literally am "cold and tired and can't stop coughing" (damn those mucus-addled students) so I'm gonna say PACKERS and UNDER hoping that Vegas will balance the books and the aforementioned regression will rear its ugly head after the Over went 4-0 in last week's contests. Eat, drink and be nauseous- Enjoy the games!

Rex Ryan's All-Foot Fetish Squad- The Defense

If you're dropping by here for the rapier wit or, more likely, the Jennifer Walcott pics let us first say thanks and add that the Offense version is available in the previous post. Also we have old school wrestling profiles under the "Crimson Mask" and "Seminal Slut" titles as well as Mets joshing and news, notes and handicapping advice from the 2011 NFL/CFB seasons at the top of the blog. Stupid, low brow, semi-erotic...no need to thank us, this is what we do.

    Before I conclude this Saturday night like so many before- cursing Andy Samberg amidst the rubble of Meisterbrau empties then falling asleep with my hand down my pants to the Shortcut to Internet Millions infomercial like a drunken Al Bundy I believe I owe you the defense edition of Wes Welker's Rex Ryan All-Stars. Enjoy!

DE: Lester Archambeau (Atl./'90-00)- From nearby Mount Olive, New Jersey which always reminds of the joke, "Last time I went to Mount Olive...Popeye kicked the crap outta me!" I'm a simple man, really.

DT: Dan Footman (Ind./'93-98)- Had 10.5 sacks in 10 starts in '97 then played only 3 more games in the NFL due to injuries (apparently he wouldn't take "the needle" like Delma in North Dallas Forty). His player comp at Pro Football Reference is listed as Ebenezer Ekuban, a name that always makes me wonder why people in the 1800s felt the need to wear floppy, tasseled hats to bed?

DT: Loren Toews (Pit./'73-83)- Daughter owns independent label Lujo Records home to such bands as The Dark Romantics (wasn't one Romantics enough), Baby Teeth, The Out Circuit and Mouse Fire, who has been billed by the S.F. Chronicle as "a throwback to Air Supply"- a statement that has now officially replaced "at least you have your health" under the definition of "Damned By Faint Praise".

DE: Matt Toeaina (Chi./Current)- One of the seemingly inordinate number of Samoans involved in either Professional Football or Wrestling. No word on whether he's given a "Rikishi Stinkface" to any opponents yet.

LB: Larry Foote (Pit./Current)- Functional, steady, boring as all hell. Katie Holmes without the Scientology.

LB: Joe Pawelek (Sea./Current)- Academic All-American at Baylor who was lucky to just miss the Kevin Steele coaching era there. Steele is most remembered as the DL coach of the Panthers that Kevin Greene choked during a Nationally televised game, but he also committed a coaching blunder so egregious it makes Herman Edwards look like a Clock Management Maestro. In his first game at Baylor and needing simply to have his QB take a knee at the opponents 2 yard line to win the game Steele called timeout pulled his entire offense to the sideline and announced that under his tutelage Baylor didn't take a knee. Cue the Joe Pisarcik fumble and 98 yards later Steele was 0-1 on his way to 9-36 in 3 seasons. Nice job tough guy (http://espn.go.com/page2/s/list/worstdecisions.html).

LB: Na'il Diggs (St.L./Current)- Truthfully I got nothing here, but the apostrophe in the first name is a nice touch. I mean it's no tilde, German umlaut or slash through the "o" like in Soren Kierkegaard, but you take what you can get.

CB: Jacob Lacey (Ind./Current)- Apparently planned his interception return TD dance as a kid, got his chance second game in courtesy of Marc Bulger...and was promptly penalized for excessive celebration and benched by Jim Caldwell. Which reminds us that next year in the NCAA excessive celebrations after scores will result in a 15 yard penalty from the previous spot thereby nullifying the TD. I see a record breaking Steve Spurrier visor toss in there somewhere.

CB: Ashton Youboty (Buf./Current)- One of 4 current players born in Liberia. Who knew? Established in 1821 by the the Henry Clay founded American Colonazition Society on the premise that freed black slaves would have a greater chance at freedom and prosperity there. Today Liberians are fresh off nearly 30 years of Civil War and 85% of the population live on $1.25 or less a day. Or as the "Great Compromiser's" family recently announced in a press release, "Our bad."

SS: John Booty (Phi./'88-95)- Drafted out of TCU in the 10th round which harkens back to the days when the NFL draft was held in the backroom of some gin mill with no Combine, computers or even comprehensive knowledge of the players available leading teams to draft the likes of Andre the Giant (Washington Redskins) or Bruce Jenner (L.A. Rams) in some Old Grandad inspired moment of inspiration. Good times!

FS: Adam Archuleta (St.L./'01-07)- Poster child for what the ESPN talking heads have wrought on common sense. Archuleta was a workout warrior and big hitter drafted 20th overall in 2001. His occasional bone jarring tackles were repeated ad nauseum on shows like NFL Live while the fact he couldn't cover "Smoke on the Water" with a year of guitar lessons went completely unmentioned. The idea is to make Big Plays not Big Hits, but Big Hits sell so we are constantly subjected to the idea that Mark Kelso, "the other" Roy Williams and their like were stars. Archuleta cashed in on this misguided theory of talent in 2006 when Washington made him the highest paid Safety in the game. He lasted one season and brought back a 6th round pick from the Bears in a deal not unlike Felix and Oscar trading the cash for a lifetime supply of canned squid on the Monte Hall Odd Couple episode. He recently crapped out in a tryout with the Raiders, but on the bright side he married Playboy's Miss August 2001, Jennifer Walcott. According to the Playmate website (which I blame for this post being so late) Ms. Walcott dreamed of becoming a vet and poet as a child. She opted for implants out of High School, little Fido be damned, but she has released a book of her poetry though we assume by these photos that Charles Bukowski she's not...
Who needs Walt Whitman..."Leaves of Grass", my ass!

Saturday/Sunday Serendipitous Schedule

    Wes Welker's Rex Ryan All-Star Defense this afternoon (sorry for the delay, functional alcoholism happens). Plus check back Sunday for selections...We're 6-2 on sides and 9-3 that way going back to our Bowl Picks. Totals, on the other hand, have been more Sammy Hagar than David Lee Roth Van Halen going 2-6. This week though the ledgers may begin to balance and with all 4 games going Over last week (lay down Shonn Greene...no not in the End Zone, at the 5, idiot) and me having a warm defensive feeling in my gut...kinda like I just had a bowl of Wheatina...we could be looking at a Cobra Clutch meets Brain Claw meets Sharpshooter meets Figure Four Leg LOCK OF THE YEAR. Then again it could just be gas. Come back later and tomorrow to find out!

Wes Welker's Rex Ryan All-Stars

Inspired by the tongue-in-cheek press conference that got Wes Welker suspended for the 1st Quarter of Sunday's Divisional Playoff game (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0WCb17psf8A) we present a Foot Fetishists All-Pro team. Feel free to add your own ideas in the comment section. And now after a little intro music from Little Feat...here's the Rex Ryan All-Stars:

QB Archie Manning (NO/'71-84)- Peyton and Eli's daddy was a quality QB stuck on bad teams in the early years of the Saints franchise. In his 10+ seasons in the Big Easy his teams never posted a winning record. Not to mention he was never blessed with a Hakeem Nicks or Reggie Wayne to throw to. His best receiver being possession man Danny Abramowicz whose career was curtailed after suffering a severe concussion from running into a sideline TV camera which in the 1970s were approximately the size of the Space Shuttle.

QB Heath Shuler (WAS/'94-97)- Namesake of my still in the embryonic stage "Heath Shuler Theory" which states that if no quality QB enters the draft one will be made up to fill the void. Think Alex Smith 2005 here. Problem is teams at the top of the draft need QBs as the Redskins did in 1994 when they jettisoned aging Mark Rypien and his 56.3 QB Rate. This meant the team had to draft a signal caller or turn the offense over to some woman named Cary Conklin (http://www.pro-football-reference.com/players/C/ConkCa00.htm). Choosing to bypass the aforementioned Ms. Conklin the top prospect was the unpalatable Trent Dilfer and no other QB had better than a 4th round grade so Heath Shuler who had a big senior year after a mediocre junior campaign became the Mel Kiper keeper and, well, the rest is a blur of mediocrity and the rise of Gus Frerotte...'nuff said.

QB R.J. Archer (MIN/Current)- From Kansas Weselyan who I believe go by the nickname The Disease-riddled Prarie Dogs.

RB LaBrandon Toefield (JAX/'03-07)- Put in 5 solid seasons backing up Fred Taylor and Maurice Jones-Drew while throwing 2 passes to the un-Heath Shuler-like tune of a 95.8 QB Rate.

RB Jim Kiick (MIA/'68-77)- Part of the "Butch Cassidy and Sundance Kid" backfield with Larry Csonka. Famous for being caught one minute late for curfew in training camp only to turn around and head back to the bars telling Don Shula, "if I'm gonna get fined I'm gettin' my money's worth!" Jumped to rival World Football League for an anticipated big payday in 1975 only to see the league fold twelve weeks into the season. But hey those two "i"s make it a fun name to look at. Who remembers Larry Biittner?...Cincinnati Reds?...anybody?...I didn't think so.

RB Paddy Driscoll (HOF)- Hall of Famer who played for both Chicago teams (Bears and Cardinals) in the 1920's and was named All-Pro 7 times by Collyers Magazine issues of which I believe are still on the coffee table at my Grandmother's house (I enjoy the serialized Fitzgerald).

WR Devin Aromashodu (CHI/Current)- This is my favorite. Led the Bears in targets, receptions and yards Week 1. Benched Week 2. Such was my Fantasy season.

WR Flipper Anderson (RAMS/'88-97)- Three 900 yard seasons, twice led the league in yards per catch, real name Willie Lee...I hate friggin' "Fun Facts".

WR Pinky Lester (PROV/'26)- Played one season for the Providence Steamrollers as 160 pound Tackle. No relation to Fonzie's Demolition Derby partner.

TE Ben Hartsock (NYJ/Current)- How could Rexy not acquire this guy from Atlanta as soon as he got the job in 2009.

C Chris Foote (NYG/'80-90)- 10 years, 104 games, 8 starts, 2 seasons of Scott Brunner's hands up your crack, priceless.

G Socko Wiethe (DET/'39-42)- Later formed a tag team with Mick Foley/Mankind in the WWE.

G Jamie Nails (BUF '97-03)- Entered the league at 20, weighing 335 pounds. Ate his way out at 26, weighing 360...the Nell Carter of the NFL.

T Jordan Gross (CAR/Current)- Two-time Pro Bowler. Credited with 4 tackles in 9 games in 2009 which should tell you what kinda season Jake Delhomme had.

T Joe Reitz (IND/Current)- Alright, I couldn't find another Tackle, but I came across this guy who reminded me of my favorite banner ever at a sporting event. In the late 70s the baseball Cardinals had a 3B named Ken Reitz who was greeted during his first trip to the plate at Wrigley Field with a 40 foot sheet beyond the LF wall simply emblazoned  "REITZ EATS". Funny cause it's true.

DEFENSE UP TOMORROW AND WILL INCLUDE RECENT NFLer MARRIED TO A PLAYBOY MODEL...PICTURES? ALL THAT GOOGLE BLOGGER WILL ALLOW!

Warily Waggish Wagers

    First off let me reiterate my weekly disclaimer that these selections are based on the most cursory perusal of pertinent details since it was decided to give Emeril a sitcom. Nonetheless I'll throw out the crap I've come up with and hope for the best...kinda like Jimmy Fallon does every night. Here goes...

Pittsburgh -3/37
    This one looks harder than trying to remember all the new Zodiac dates. I mean I just figured out the Terrorist Threat Level colors and now this! Last week Baltimore blew out the Chiefs which has probably inflated their value. This week they won't likely be the beneficiaries of 5 turnovers (Pit. was +14 this year) or the worst aerial attack since the Egyptians in the Six Day War. Roethlisberger may be the poor man's Tom Brady, but that's miles better than Matt Cassel plus add in WR Mike Wallace, who had a 1200 yard breakout year, along with Hines Ward and this is a unit that will put much more pressure on the Ravens secondary than K.C and waiver wire fodder like Kevin Curtis did. We don't figure either team to run well, but Pittsburgh's O-Line has been steadier this year than Baltimore's which seemed to regress after a dominating 2009. The key for the Steelers will be controlling LB Terrell Suggs who beat on Roethlisberger like he was Meredith Baxter in a Lifetime Original Movie back in their December matchup.We think they will and in the least surprising revelation since we found out Brett Favre has a sister who's into Meth and spells "Brandy" with an "i" we think it will be low scoring. That means PITTSBURGH and UNDER...good luck!

Atlanta -1.5/44
    Like Valerie Bertinelli's marriage to Eddie Van Halen there's something about the Falcons we just don't get. Roddy White is great, Matt Ryan is developing on pace and the defense is improved still it doesn't seem to add up to 13-3 dominance. From 2009 to 2010 Atlanta improved by close to 50 points in both points scored and points allowed. Part of that is due to maturation on offense and the addition of CB Dunta Robinson on defense, but part is also due to a schedule that went from one of the toughest in the NFC to one of of the softest courtesy of drawing the NFC West this year. In 4 games against the West and two against Carolina the Dirty Birds allowed 12.7 ppg. In their 10 other games they gave up 21.2 ppg and were gashed for 418 yards at home against the Pack in November. Some of this may be statistical b.s., but we prefer a team that has consolidated its gains over the course of multiple years. The Packers have done that producing back-to-back seasons of 380+ points for and <300 points against (I always like using the  "less than" sign in real life, although the officer that pulled me over for speeding didn't quite appreciate the humor in my hand gesture). They also have Donald Driver back for this one (injured in November), as well as the benefit of an improved run game courtesy of James Starks. Plus we like what Aaron Rodgers is doing and if his line can control the pass rush of John Abraham we like his chances. We'll call it PACKERS and OVER figuring if Atlanta does run out and hide Green Bay will still get its garbage points.
   I know it's college football, but all I can think is, "her parents must be so proud."

What We Saw...WC Recaps

K.C-BAL.:
PLAY: Ravens -3/ Over 40.5 1ST QUARTER Ravens go 13 plays to the 1. Flacco fumbles, run game non-existent. Chiefs look like AFC version of Seahawks, but hold for FG...KC 3 and out, Ravens driving till Flacco fumbles...Jamaal Charles is the real deal, Top 5 Fantasy pick real, 41 yards for TD- best player/worst supporting cast since Larry Bird took Indiana State to the NCAA Final...TJ Houhmanzadeh sighting for 28, but Ravens bog down, forced into an "over-killing" punt from opponents 40...2ND QUARTER: Charles for 11, Charles for 8, Charles for 9, forget Larry Bird this is a David Robinson at Navy kinda one man show...Charles fumbles, both teams trade punts from opponents territory in what has become the football version of the 4 corners offense...Flacco to Rice for a 9 yard TD with 19 seconds and the Ravens/Over parlay has new life...halftime...3RD QUARTER Nakamura (wasn't that the second city hit by the A-bomb) intercepts Cassel, loses lateral, KC recovers and the Over goes back into hiding...4th and 1, Charles loses 4, colorman Mayock tells us "penetration is the key to stopping the run game", no sh*t...Cundiff 29 yd. FG, KC fumble, Cundiff 29 yd. FG, KC int., Flacco to Boldin TD, Ravens 23-7- it's over, but it's not OVER so we'll stick around...4TH QUARTER: Cassel has to pass, but is having as much success finding Bowe as I do with the toothbrush in the tree in Highlights magazine...Cassel to his #2 WR Kevin Curtis. Kevin "Freakin" Curtis? Dear God what an Under...Ravens go on longer march than Mao, kill 10:20 off clock before McGahee from 25 for TD...We need KC TD for the parlay, Cassel sacked, Cassel incomplete, Cassel sacked, punt- sounds about right...Ravens 30  KC 7.
FINAL THOUGHTS: KC was better than the Seahawks and playing at an equally advantageous home field which should tell you all you need to know about the dominance of the best in the AFC over the best in the NFC...The Ravens running game is like the thong drawer in Rosie O'Donnell's dresser, it doesn't exist. Forget the numbers, most of that was piled up late when the KC defense was on the field constantly and Baltimore had put up a near 2:1 advantage in plays run...Not gonna happen against Pittsburgh and James Harrison's gonna be on Flacco like Jerry Lee Lewis on a cousin. Baltimore's defense better show up big at Heinz Field.

SEA.-N.O.:
NOTE: Alright we were wrong. "Dewey Defeats Truman" wrong. Trickle-Down Economics wrong. Quincy Carter as franchise QB wrong. But the scariest part is how wrong we might be. Seattle faces Chicago this week a team they beat handily at Soldier Field at midseason. Win that and couple it with a completely plausible Green Bay over Atlanta outcome and a 7-9 team could be hosting the NFC Championship game. Do they sell Locust Insurance?
PLAY: Saints -10/Under 47...1ST QUARTER: Brees to Colston for 30, Hartley 26 yd. FG, Saints on top faster than Nathan Lane at Fire Island...Hasselbeck intercepted, Brees to Evans 1 yd. TD and this one's done faster than Minute Rice in the microwave....Seahawks answer with TD, but...2ND QUARTER: Saints drive for a Jones TD. It's still over right?...Roman Harper bites on the Medi-Alert play ("I've fallen and I can't get up") and Hasselbeck to wide open Carlson 17-14 N.O.... Seattle FG ties it then in moment that causes every NY Giant fan to flashback Brandon Stokeley beats Jason Sehorn...er...Roman Harper for a 45 yard score and it's on baby...How bad is Saints S Roman Harper? He's been lit up like Richard Pryor for three huge plays (Carlson TD, Moorah 39-yarder, Stokeley TD) and there's still 5 minutes left in the half...Credit the fans. Crowd noise causing more false starts than the ADHD 100M Dash...Saints get chip shot from Hartley, 24-20 Seahawks...halftime. 3RD QUARTER: Put the parlay in the books as Hasselbeck goes 38 to Mike Williams for TD 3 minutes in...Reggie Bush stinks, yet still looks pissed that Julius Jones is getting playing time...Seattle FG at 5:27, Saints go for it 4th and 1 at own 37 and are stuffed, then miraculously force a punt to stay alive. 4TH QUARTER: Saints get TD and FG and close the gap, problem is they've turned into an episode of Friends where for every Chandler/Joey comedy score the D plays Ross/Rachel and brings you back down...3:22 Marshawn Lynch goes 67 yards like Fred Flintstone carrying the whole Stony Rock team and the worst club in playoff history has dethroned the defending champs.
PHI.-G.B.: PLAY: Philly -2.5/Under 46. 1ST QUARTER: David Akers misses from 41 and the Under's off to a flying  start...Desean Jackson's ankle gets rolled like a drunken "John" and Philly's minus 1 major weapon less then 8 minutes in...James Starks comes out of nowhere (U. of Buffalo actually) to give GB a run game...Philly D in the Red Zone is like a balanced breakfast to Karen Carpenter- it means nothing, and Rodgers finds Tom "You Can Call Me Chubsy-Ubsy" Crabtree for 7-0 lead...Announcer calls Jordy Nelson, "crafty, steady", I guess you just can't say "he's white"...GB's James Jones has dropped more balls this year than Michael J. Fox calling Bingo, but holds on off a Rodgers scramble and Philly's in trouble 14-3...And there's Jones calling out B14 on a perfect strike from Rodgers to save our Under just before halftime. 3RD QUARTER: Rodgers fumble, Avant TD and both ends of our parlay are alive 14-10...Rodgers right back to Brandon Jackson and we're in trouble again 21-10...4TH QUARTER: Akers with more shanks than a prison riot and we'll take a split as Philly fans get restless...Starks helps GB eat clock...Vick from 1 yd. makes it 21-16, 2-pt. fails as Akers' wife slips out of stadium quietly...Last chance, but Vick intercepted in end zone looking for Riley "Steady, Crafty" Cooper instead of Jax/Maclin and it's done.
FINAL THOUGHT: Rodgers rocks, add in any semblance of a running game to go with tough D and this team could be peaking at right time.

IND.-NYJ:
PLAY Jets +2.5/Over 44.5. 1ST QUARTER: First impression is that Joseph Addai is slow. Dial up internet slow. Molina brothers slow. Bad Guy/Heel escaping a Steel Cage in Pro Wrestling slow. Let's sign 52 year old Dominic Rhodes off the UFL Florida Tuskers roster slow...LT, on other hand, looks spry going for 23 on the first drive...Shonn Greene also looks fresh, but Sanchez has overthrown Keller more times than a Central American democracy and it's scoreless end of 1...2ND QUARTER: The entire game consists of drives that stall between the 40s and lead to pooch punts. Another disaster for our Over...Finally Manning to Garcon for 57 yds. 7-0 Colts...Jets drive back, but Sanchez intercepted at goal line. This won't fly vs. the Pats...45 seconds and the great Peyton on the field and HC Caldwell runs Rhodes up the middle, more on him later. Halftime...3RD QUARTER: Jets storm out to TD 7-7...Revis has made Reggie Wayne disappear like Spearchucker Jones from M*A*S*H (did they think they'd get away with that). Does he shadow Welker or Branch if Jets advance...Colts FG 10-7, but then...4TH QUARTER: Jets go on longest drive since I was 6 and Mom made us go to Mystic Seaport (17 plays) and it's Jets back on top...Fast forward to Colts 16-14, Jets in position for 49 yard FG attempt before Caldwell inexplicably calls timeout. Jets can still run down clock, but now get an extra play. 18 yards to Edwards, FG is now chippy, Manning throws up hands and it's not a good time to be Jim Caldwell.
FINAL NOTE: Jets will play better vs. Pats this time around, but Sanchez cannot waste opportunities like this and expect Brady/Belichick to stick around. Looking forward to excellent AFC matchups next week.

One Down...More To Come

Selections: 3-5
Sides: 2-2
Totals: 1-3
Wild Card weekend is over and the Saints, Chiefs, Colts and Eagles have been bounced like Roman Polanski from a Sweet Sixteen. For our part the selections were more David Akers than Marshawn Lynch, but it wasn't a total debacle and hopefully we have a better feel with 15 or so hours of playoff watching under our belt. WC recaps, a Saturday/Sunday lookahead and more nihilistic rantings than Jared Lee Loughner's My Space page up Wednesday night.