Now that summer is gone one of the things I miss is the sound of the Ice Cream Truck coming through my neighborhood. I mean I just can't get enough of a xylophone version of "Turkey in the Straw" being played ad nauseum on a continuous loop...and besides that dessert just tastes better when it's served by a pedophile.
But enough of that...Here's today's slightly contrarian based picks-
SIDES (4-2): NY Giants PK, Detroit +2.5
TOTALS (5-4-1): KC/DEN under 50.5, STL/TB over 37.5, ATL/CIN under 48.5, DET/CAR over 43.5, NO/CLE over 48.5, MIA/BUF under 42.5, NYJ/GB under 46.5
Showing posts with label Giants. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Giants. Show all posts
Sunday, September 14, 2014
Monday, September 8, 2014
From Ray Rice With Love (MNF)
New video out today shows Ray Rice cold-cocking his then fiancée, now wife, Janay Palmer in an elevator at the Revel Hotel Casino in Atlantic City and then dragging her into the hallway "caveman-style". Begging the question what went down faster Janay Rice or the Revel Hotel Casino. In light of the damning video the Ravens released Rice this afternoon. Meanwhile Janay has tabled her future with Mr. Rice...at least until she finds out how much of his recent $35M contract is guaranteed.
Here's our feeling on MNF...
SIDES (3-2): San Diego +2.5
TOTALS (4-4-1): S.D./Ari. under 46.5
Good luck and such.
Here's our feeling on MNF...
SIDES (3-2): San Diego +2.5
TOTALS (4-4-1): S.D./Ari. under 46.5
Good luck and such.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Notes From The Karl Farbman Of Despair (MLB Stuff)
Back from the Mall which begged the question, "Why do I bother leaving the house at all?" And up with a quick notes column and some brief thoughts on the early MLB season and other nonsense:
Another reason not to leave the house...sadly not mine, but another reason just the same...
--First up it has been brought to our attention that the Lingerie Football League has suspended operations for the 2012 season (see here http://blog.chron.com/sportsupdate/2012/04/u-s-lingerie-football-league-to-forgo-2012-season/#4426-11 ) which doesn't really bother me since I only watch it for the articles anyway. According to a league spokesman there will be exhibitions available this year on a PPV basis, but why would I pay to see bodacious bimbos bouncing about in barely any clothes when I already get Univision for free...
The Chicago Bliss, we hardly knew ye...guess it's back to my other "Fantasy" Football teams now.
--And now Ryan Braun. As we all know the Hebrew Hammer, the Semitic Slammer, the Gaza Rip, the Jewish Jacker, the Zionist Zephyr...alright I'm done now...avoided his 50-game Performance Enhancing Drug (PED) suspension on a technicality related to the handling of his offending sample. Realizing that this looked to the unwashed masses like another case of Loot over Legitimacy Braun then hinted that, if truth be told, there was a far more valid reason for him getting off and being deemed clean, but then he, not suprisingly, refused to tell that, supposed, truth and clear his name.
At this point I think this has become an all too familiar refrain. Just like we all know that the 6' 2", 115 lbs. psuedo-skeleton with brown teeth and burn marks on his fingers buying 27 boxes of Sudafed at Walgreen's doesn't have the sniffles-well, maybe he does but that's not an anti-biotic issue-we know MLBers are doing anything and everything to get an edge, lame defenses notwithstanding.
So now everyone outside of Cheese Country will be watching Braun's HR total viewing any drop as an indicator of his cheating and subsequent lying ways, but this is the narrow view. The record smashing of a muscled Mark McGwire and bloated Barry Bonds has led everyone to equate PEDs with power and strength. Certainly, as proven by bodybuilders and Pro Wrestlers, longterm cycling will lead to bulked up muscle mass, but that may not be the benefit that most Diamond druggists are getting. In the real world steroids and their like are used to stimulate healing and recovery, a not unimportant consideration for players over a grueling 162 game schedule. Or in real world terms think of David Ortiz's (whose paunchy, flabby physique reminds us of the old Dusty Rhodes proclamation, "there ain't a steee-roid runnin' through this body"...no shit) power outage of a few years back while playing through a wrist injury as the type of thing that can happen, unreported often, to ballplayers throughout a given year.
As for Braun he's put up well in excess of 600 plate appearances in the last 3 years with remarkably steady production across the board. Of course this could just be a function of his being in his 25-27 year-old prime. In 2009, however, we had Braun on our Fantasy team and watched his season closely. From virtually spring training on reports were that Rockin' Ryan was suffering from side/rib concerns and a mere trunk twist away from the DL yet he never missed more than a game here and there, put up over 700 PAs and delivered spectacular numbers that allowed even this eternally pessimistic owner to pull "a Sutter" (the feet up, arms crossed pose that Whitey Herzog affected whenever shut down closer Bruce Sutter entered a game for the 80's Cardinals) while waltzing to a title.
So if you're like us and get your pathetic, lazy-ass jollies from seeing the "Doers and Thinkers", as Waylon Jennings once put it, of the world get their occasional comeuppance keep an eye on Ryan Braun's health this season it just might tell us more than all the urine in Milwaukee.
Steroids...they're not always a bad thing (Note: this is the sadly deceased Marianna Komlos who portrayed "Mrs. Cleavage" as part of a Leave It To Beaver gimick in one of the strangest WWE storylines ever- http://prowrestling.wikia.com/wiki/Marianna )
--In a similiar note on the Professional Eating Circuit is Marijuana considered a Performance Enhancing Drug?
--I'm not really a "car guy" and I don't feel the "need for speed". In fact the only speeding ticket I ever received was in a college parking deck for doing 9 in a 5 MPH zone which I tried to get out of by explaing to the Rent-A-Cop that "there's no way I was doing 9, my car shimmies at 8...I'd have known if I was doing 9". And this is how we awkwardly stumble into the annual debate regarding Tim Lincecum's velocity.
It seems like every year this issue comes up and every year it's forgotten in short order as T-Lin begins posting his usual numbers as the weather heats up or after a few poor mid-season outings regardless of what the speed gun is reading. At this point, however, let us state that velocity is important. For every Jamie Moyer that wins with guile there are 20 Aaron Laffey's whose fleeting success is forgotten amidst a cacophany of unconditional releases and occasional LOOGY-dom (Lefty One Out Guy). Even the successful survivors like Ted Lilly, Randy Wolf and the current incarnation of Freddy Garcia struggle to top the 12-14 win and .500 record mark. You see like dating, say J-Lo, battling through MLB lineups on your wits and craftiness alone is difficult what with outthinking the hitter, carrying around her "purse dog", living on the corners, helping with hair extensions, getting a favorable umpire, hearing about how Steven Tyler smells, counting on your defense...er...perhaps I've mixed up my metaphors here, but you get the point, it's Hard Work.
So does that mean that the drop from a 92.8 MPH average fastball last year to a 90.5 reading in his two disastrous starts (well one disastrous, the other just so-so) this year is meaningful? Yes...and no. First despite his goofy demeanor Lincecum knows his craft. He's survived similiar drops by developing and working his changeup and slider to keep hitters off balance with a different look and pattern. More importantly TL seems to know his body. At 160 pounds he's more susceptible to the rigors of 30-35 starts than say your C.C. Sabathia's and Felix Hernandez's. He's had consecutive seasons of 33 starts and 200+ innings so there is a good chance Lincecum is just gearing himself up slowly for what would appear to be the long playoff run ahead. One indication of this is that according to pitch stats he's thrown only a handful of sliders, a pitch he's used to great effect in recent years, in his first two starts resorting to mostly fastballs and changeups. So if you're the kinda person who likes to make the occasional sports "investment", shall we say, Google PITCH F/X stats and keep an eye on the breakdown of pitches in Lincecum starts. Even if the velocity doesn't come back a willingness to mix in more sliders may be the key that the Giants ace is ready to make his move...I mean, no inducement to gamble, but we're just sayin'...
Smart girls know it's not all about speed...
--And speaking of gambling how 'bout going against the Twins vs. Left-Handed pitching. Now saying the Twins stink this year is not exactly news, but a quick perusal of their lineup shows it to be spectacularly unbalanced to as Rocky Balboa would say the "South Philly, South Jersey, south paw" side. In two games this year vs. C.J. Wilson and Matt Harrison the Twins lineup got beat up by Lefties worse than Phil Mickelson's teenage penis recording only 10 hits, 2 runs and a 0.72 ERA against in those efforts. Being anchored by Justin Morneau and Joe Mauer no doubt makes facing Lefties a problem, but it's excerbated by the non-platoon of port siders Chris Parmelee and Sean Burroughs at first, a lefty leadoff man in Denard Span, the acquisition of Devil-handed (at least hitting-wise) Clete Thomas to cover RF and the fact that switch-hitters Ryan Doumit and Alexi Casilla both show considerably a higher OPS vs. RHP. Heck if lefty masher Josh Willingham goes down to injury you may wanna grab the baby's college fund and head to Vegas...but then as our College Football Selections will attest we've been wrong before. Still after being owned by Wilson/Harrison, but beating up on top line righties Jered Weaver and Dan Haren this may be a trend to keep an eye on.
I'd like to lose at Old Maid to this girl...
That's enough for today...next week we'll have a Mets overview (hopefully before the inevitable crash) and the fallout from the decision of S.F. closer Brian Wilson to join the latest ZZ Top tour or whatever the Hell is gonna keep him out the rest of the year. Drink up, be nauseous!
Another reason not to leave the house...sadly not mine, but another reason just the same...--First up it has been brought to our attention that the Lingerie Football League has suspended operations for the 2012 season (see here http://blog.chron.com/sportsupdate/2012/04/u-s-lingerie-football-league-to-forgo-2012-season/#4426-11 ) which doesn't really bother me since I only watch it for the articles anyway. According to a league spokesman there will be exhibitions available this year on a PPV basis, but why would I pay to see bodacious bimbos bouncing about in barely any clothes when I already get Univision for free...
The Chicago Bliss, we hardly knew ye...guess it's back to my other "Fantasy" Football teams now.--And now Ryan Braun. As we all know the Hebrew Hammer, the Semitic Slammer, the Gaza Rip, the Jewish Jacker, the Zionist Zephyr...alright I'm done now...avoided his 50-game Performance Enhancing Drug (PED) suspension on a technicality related to the handling of his offending sample. Realizing that this looked to the unwashed masses like another case of Loot over Legitimacy Braun then hinted that, if truth be told, there was a far more valid reason for him getting off and being deemed clean, but then he, not suprisingly, refused to tell that, supposed, truth and clear his name.
At this point I think this has become an all too familiar refrain. Just like we all know that the 6' 2", 115 lbs. psuedo-skeleton with brown teeth and burn marks on his fingers buying 27 boxes of Sudafed at Walgreen's doesn't have the sniffles-well, maybe he does but that's not an anti-biotic issue-we know MLBers are doing anything and everything to get an edge, lame defenses notwithstanding.
So now everyone outside of Cheese Country will be watching Braun's HR total viewing any drop as an indicator of his cheating and subsequent lying ways, but this is the narrow view. The record smashing of a muscled Mark McGwire and bloated Barry Bonds has led everyone to equate PEDs with power and strength. Certainly, as proven by bodybuilders and Pro Wrestlers, longterm cycling will lead to bulked up muscle mass, but that may not be the benefit that most Diamond druggists are getting. In the real world steroids and their like are used to stimulate healing and recovery, a not unimportant consideration for players over a grueling 162 game schedule. Or in real world terms think of David Ortiz's (whose paunchy, flabby physique reminds us of the old Dusty Rhodes proclamation, "there ain't a steee-roid runnin' through this body"...no shit) power outage of a few years back while playing through a wrist injury as the type of thing that can happen, unreported often, to ballplayers throughout a given year.
As for Braun he's put up well in excess of 600 plate appearances in the last 3 years with remarkably steady production across the board. Of course this could just be a function of his being in his 25-27 year-old prime. In 2009, however, we had Braun on our Fantasy team and watched his season closely. From virtually spring training on reports were that Rockin' Ryan was suffering from side/rib concerns and a mere trunk twist away from the DL yet he never missed more than a game here and there, put up over 700 PAs and delivered spectacular numbers that allowed even this eternally pessimistic owner to pull "a Sutter" (the feet up, arms crossed pose that Whitey Herzog affected whenever shut down closer Bruce Sutter entered a game for the 80's Cardinals) while waltzing to a title.
So if you're like us and get your pathetic, lazy-ass jollies from seeing the "Doers and Thinkers", as Waylon Jennings once put it, of the world get their occasional comeuppance keep an eye on Ryan Braun's health this season it just might tell us more than all the urine in Milwaukee.
Steroids...they're not always a bad thing (Note: this is the sadly deceased Marianna Komlos who portrayed "Mrs. Cleavage" as part of a Leave It To Beaver gimick in one of the strangest WWE storylines ever- http://prowrestling.wikia.com/wiki/Marianna )--In a similiar note on the Professional Eating Circuit is Marijuana considered a Performance Enhancing Drug?
--I'm not really a "car guy" and I don't feel the "need for speed". In fact the only speeding ticket I ever received was in a college parking deck for doing 9 in a 5 MPH zone which I tried to get out of by explaing to the Rent-A-Cop that "there's no way I was doing 9, my car shimmies at 8...I'd have known if I was doing 9". And this is how we awkwardly stumble into the annual debate regarding Tim Lincecum's velocity.
It seems like every year this issue comes up and every year it's forgotten in short order as T-Lin begins posting his usual numbers as the weather heats up or after a few poor mid-season outings regardless of what the speed gun is reading. At this point, however, let us state that velocity is important. For every Jamie Moyer that wins with guile there are 20 Aaron Laffey's whose fleeting success is forgotten amidst a cacophany of unconditional releases and occasional LOOGY-dom (Lefty One Out Guy). Even the successful survivors like Ted Lilly, Randy Wolf and the current incarnation of Freddy Garcia struggle to top the 12-14 win and .500 record mark. You see like dating, say J-Lo, battling through MLB lineups on your wits and craftiness alone is difficult what with outthinking the hitter, carrying around her "purse dog", living on the corners, helping with hair extensions, getting a favorable umpire, hearing about how Steven Tyler smells, counting on your defense...er...perhaps I've mixed up my metaphors here, but you get the point, it's Hard Work.
So does that mean that the drop from a 92.8 MPH average fastball last year to a 90.5 reading in his two disastrous starts (well one disastrous, the other just so-so) this year is meaningful? Yes...and no. First despite his goofy demeanor Lincecum knows his craft. He's survived similiar drops by developing and working his changeup and slider to keep hitters off balance with a different look and pattern. More importantly TL seems to know his body. At 160 pounds he's more susceptible to the rigors of 30-35 starts than say your C.C. Sabathia's and Felix Hernandez's. He's had consecutive seasons of 33 starts and 200+ innings so there is a good chance Lincecum is just gearing himself up slowly for what would appear to be the long playoff run ahead. One indication of this is that according to pitch stats he's thrown only a handful of sliders, a pitch he's used to great effect in recent years, in his first two starts resorting to mostly fastballs and changeups. So if you're the kinda person who likes to make the occasional sports "investment", shall we say, Google PITCH F/X stats and keep an eye on the breakdown of pitches in Lincecum starts. Even if the velocity doesn't come back a willingness to mix in more sliders may be the key that the Giants ace is ready to make his move...I mean, no inducement to gamble, but we're just sayin'...
Smart girls know it's not all about speed...--And speaking of gambling how 'bout going against the Twins vs. Left-Handed pitching. Now saying the Twins stink this year is not exactly news, but a quick perusal of their lineup shows it to be spectacularly unbalanced to as Rocky Balboa would say the "South Philly, South Jersey, south paw" side. In two games this year vs. C.J. Wilson and Matt Harrison the Twins lineup got beat up by Lefties worse than Phil Mickelson's teenage penis recording only 10 hits, 2 runs and a 0.72 ERA against in those efforts. Being anchored by Justin Morneau and Joe Mauer no doubt makes facing Lefties a problem, but it's excerbated by the non-platoon of port siders Chris Parmelee and Sean Burroughs at first, a lefty leadoff man in Denard Span, the acquisition of Devil-handed (at least hitting-wise) Clete Thomas to cover RF and the fact that switch-hitters Ryan Doumit and Alexi Casilla both show considerably a higher OPS vs. RHP. Heck if lefty masher Josh Willingham goes down to injury you may wanna grab the baby's college fund and head to Vegas...but then as our College Football Selections will attest we've been wrong before. Still after being owned by Wilson/Harrison, but beating up on top line righties Jered Weaver and Dan Haren this may be a trend to keep an eye on.
I'd like to lose at Old Maid to this girl...That's enough for today...next week we'll have a Mets overview (hopefully before the inevitable crash) and the fallout from the decision of S.F. closer Brian Wilson to join the latest ZZ Top tour or whatever the Hell is gonna keep him out the rest of the year. Drink up, be nauseous!
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Proud To Be An A$$hole From El Paso
Will be keeping this short today after the Mexican Restaurant romp with colleagues last night. Let's just say I'm outta drinking shape for anything but beer. In fact the last time I did tequila shots and margaritas I ended up professing my undying love for the middle Hanson sibling only to find out later they were all brothers. And when did margaritas go the way of the traditional martini? Everyone they served me last night was so colorful, exotically flavored and glittery it looked like they tapped it out of Lady Gaga's ass. But who am I to complain...and moving on to some ancillary matters...
--Has A&E finally just given up and become the Storage Wars channel? It reminds me of the early days of the History Channel or as they should've called it back then-"Nazis 24/7". And if you're gonna go this way could we at least get less of fat ass Darrell in his wife-beater and more of Brandi in something low cut?
--To those who asked about it from yesterday's post it is true that Chaz Bono is shopping for a penis, but no he/she did not get it yet. My first thoughts on reading this were doesn't John Bobbitt have an extra one laying around? And secondly...are balls sold seperately?
--And finally enjoy the Bowl Game tonight...No not the National Championship game between LSU and Alabama, that's tomorrow, but the much anticipated GoDaddy.com Bowl featuring those bastions of gridiron greatness Northern Illinois and Arkansas State (see our bowl related Curse of Northern Illinois article here http://bowltilithurts.blogspot.com/2010/12/humanitarian-bowl-preview.html). Having these ridiculous 5th tier bowl games after the Rose, Orange, Sugar and Fiesta Bowls reminds me of the old Dana Gould bit about how the Larry King Live show used to feature two guests. They'd always put the top billed one on first as to not run short of time if the interview was going particularly well so that in the opening King would announce, "tonight's guests are Alexander Solzhitsnetzyn, the Pulitzer and Nobel Prize winning author who saw his entire family killed by the KGB then spent 19 years in a Soviet Gulag...and the man who played Fleagle on The Banana Splits." Enjoy the game...and, oh yeah, it's Arkansas State -1.5/65 if you want to try to at least make it interesting.
NFL
--In a disclaimer we'll point out that much like the rest of the year our official play on Houston/Cincinnati Under lost, but our analysis of a Saints dominated shootout and N.O/Over play was a winner. Today we'll just throw all the plays out there and you can judge for yourself.
--Disclaimer II: Fred of Fred's Picks texted, in light of his 4 game losing streak, "I abdicate my position much like Kaiser Wilhelm the 2nd!" I assume this means there will be no selection today...as to whether he'll also be exiling himself to The Netherlands, however, is unclear at this point.
--Pittsburgh at Denver: Talk is that this game could be make or break for the Grand Tim Tebow Experiment after two extraordinarily dismal performances to end the year. For those who have tried to forget I'll remind you that in Week 16 at Buffalo Tebow became the biggest turnover machine since Dave Krieg and his tiny, Vietnamese girl hands were fumbling away games for Chuck Knox's Seahawks of the 90's. This was followed by a Week 17 disaster with the playoffs on the line where Timmy put up a 20.1 QB rating which is even harder than it seems in that much like filling in your name correctly on the SAT you get 18.0 points for just stepping on the field.
All in all though we were big supporters of giving Tebow a chance. The Broncos are improving in many areas with the emergence of Von Miller on defense and Demaryius Thomas at WR, but they're still a safe distance from Super. Leaving Kyle Orton or some other middle of the road veteran out there while the highly drafted Tebow languished on the bench would be like the Kansas City Royals signing Jamie Moyer. What would be the point? Let the kid play and sink or swim on his own.
So did he sink or did he swim? That's the problem. Kudos to the Broncos for tweaking the offense to play to Tebow's strengths, but things may have gone too far. An easy sked and inept performances by their opponents in the latter half of the season allowed the Denver offensive staff to put Tebow in a bubble for several weeks as they ran the ball ad nauseum and only let TT pass in late, desperate situations against loose, prevent defenses. Sure it all worked out in a playoff berth, but in terms of truly evaluating their unique QB the Broncos struck out.
In the end it's obvious Tebow needs to show at least some vertical threat in order to keep defenses honest and allow the spread option game to work. That means again re-working the offense, giving Tebow plenty of game speed reps in that offense, constant re-evaluation of mechanics/decision making and a willingness to risk losing some games in order to get answers. Sure it might all work out in the end, but like being married, to say, Sharon Stone...it sounds like a lotta work. We expect GM Elway to be QB shopping in the offseason for someone of a more conventional bent.
As for the game the question remains...How will Denver possibly score today? They have put up more than two TDs only twice in Tebow's 11 starts and those came against Oakland, who recently fired their Defensive Coordinator, and Minnesota who finished an ugly 31st in Total Defense. Today, however, they get the fairest stop troops in all the land as Pittsburgh finished #1 defensively giving up only 14.1 points per game. Even worse they held opponents to under 100 ypg on the ground and allowed the second least rushing TDs in the league. Toss in a blitzing James Harrison and a ball-hawking Troy Polamalu and you might want to keep the kids in their rooms as no impressionable youth should be exposed to what could be an unsafe helping of Brady Quinn.
Earlier this year the Steelers took on a Seattle team sporting the youngest offensive line since the expansion year Carolina Panthers and shut them out 24-0. We see more of the same here so we'll go Pittsburgh -9 and with Big Ben still limping the run-first approach will hopefully keep this one Under 33.5 in the antidote to your Lions-Saints hangover.
Officially the Steelers don't have cheerleaders, but these girls seem to be in the spirit!
--Atlanta at New York Giants: On Tuesday the temperature here in New York was 8 with a wind chill of -2. Today it's 52 and could reach as high as 60. Up, down, big, small frankly my testicles don't know what to do these days. Seemingly this bodes well for the Dome as Home Falcons, but after many a frozen tailgating adventure at The Meadowlands we can assure it's always 20 degrees colder in the swamps of Jersey and the wind is constantly swirling. We've detailed Matt Ryan's H/A splits here in the past, but to update you this year he had a 102.9 QB rate and 17/5 ratio at home against 84.6 and 12/7 on the road.
On the other hand we're no big fans of the Giants and feel their playoff clinching wins over the Jets and Cowboys were as much the result of flawed opponents as it was their own ability. The one thing we do know is that the Giants Front Four has been playing well. For the year they ranked tied with the Ravens for 3rd in sacks against the Falcons' below average 21st ranking. Both O-Lines allowed a similiar number of sacks so it should be the Giants in Matt Ryan's face more often than the Falcons in Eli Manning's.
All this bodes well for another possible big game for WR Victor Cruz which seems stunning. Not that Cruz isn't a talent, but more that he has broken virtually every receiving record in the long history of the Giants franchise this year and still defenses refuse to pay him any special attention. Against the Jets Darrell Revis spent most of his time matched up against a hobbling Hakeem Nicks and broke up at least 3 passes intended for 4th stringer Ramses Barden, a player who I assume was given that name to remind his parents to use a condom in the future. Expect more of the same as from observation it appears the Falcons let their CBs play sides of the field rather than match up with certain receivers. Still we'll go Under 47.5 here, but make it a Favorites sweep of the weekend by taking the Giants -3.
There are no official Giant cheerleaders either. But at this point let me add that the ubiquity of these large breasted, small waisted women on the Internet has almost become boring...
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...as I said..."almost"...
I couldn't write another line...nor do you want me when this is waiting...
Another British Page 6 girl...Can you get a U.S. subscription to the Daily Mirror?
--Has A&E finally just given up and become the Storage Wars channel? It reminds me of the early days of the History Channel or as they should've called it back then-"Nazis 24/7". And if you're gonna go this way could we at least get less of fat ass Darrell in his wife-beater and more of Brandi in something low cut?
--To those who asked about it from yesterday's post it is true that Chaz Bono is shopping for a penis, but no he/she did not get it yet. My first thoughts on reading this were doesn't John Bobbitt have an extra one laying around? And secondly...are balls sold seperately?
--And finally enjoy the Bowl Game tonight...No not the National Championship game between LSU and Alabama, that's tomorrow, but the much anticipated GoDaddy.com Bowl featuring those bastions of gridiron greatness Northern Illinois and Arkansas State (see our bowl related Curse of Northern Illinois article here http://bowltilithurts.blogspot.com/2010/12/humanitarian-bowl-preview.html). Having these ridiculous 5th tier bowl games after the Rose, Orange, Sugar and Fiesta Bowls reminds me of the old Dana Gould bit about how the Larry King Live show used to feature two guests. They'd always put the top billed one on first as to not run short of time if the interview was going particularly well so that in the opening King would announce, "tonight's guests are Alexander Solzhitsnetzyn, the Pulitzer and Nobel Prize winning author who saw his entire family killed by the KGB then spent 19 years in a Soviet Gulag...and the man who played Fleagle on The Banana Splits." Enjoy the game...and, oh yeah, it's Arkansas State -1.5/65 if you want to try to at least make it interesting.
NFL
--In a disclaimer we'll point out that much like the rest of the year our official play on Houston/Cincinnati Under lost, but our analysis of a Saints dominated shootout and N.O/Over play was a winner. Today we'll just throw all the plays out there and you can judge for yourself.
--Disclaimer II: Fred of Fred's Picks texted, in light of his 4 game losing streak, "I abdicate my position much like Kaiser Wilhelm the 2nd!" I assume this means there will be no selection today...as to whether he'll also be exiling himself to The Netherlands, however, is unclear at this point.
--Pittsburgh at Denver: Talk is that this game could be make or break for the Grand Tim Tebow Experiment after two extraordinarily dismal performances to end the year. For those who have tried to forget I'll remind you that in Week 16 at Buffalo Tebow became the biggest turnover machine since Dave Krieg and his tiny, Vietnamese girl hands were fumbling away games for Chuck Knox's Seahawks of the 90's. This was followed by a Week 17 disaster with the playoffs on the line where Timmy put up a 20.1 QB rating which is even harder than it seems in that much like filling in your name correctly on the SAT you get 18.0 points for just stepping on the field.
All in all though we were big supporters of giving Tebow a chance. The Broncos are improving in many areas with the emergence of Von Miller on defense and Demaryius Thomas at WR, but they're still a safe distance from Super. Leaving Kyle Orton or some other middle of the road veteran out there while the highly drafted Tebow languished on the bench would be like the Kansas City Royals signing Jamie Moyer. What would be the point? Let the kid play and sink or swim on his own.
So did he sink or did he swim? That's the problem. Kudos to the Broncos for tweaking the offense to play to Tebow's strengths, but things may have gone too far. An easy sked and inept performances by their opponents in the latter half of the season allowed the Denver offensive staff to put Tebow in a bubble for several weeks as they ran the ball ad nauseum and only let TT pass in late, desperate situations against loose, prevent defenses. Sure it all worked out in a playoff berth, but in terms of truly evaluating their unique QB the Broncos struck out.
In the end it's obvious Tebow needs to show at least some vertical threat in order to keep defenses honest and allow the spread option game to work. That means again re-working the offense, giving Tebow plenty of game speed reps in that offense, constant re-evaluation of mechanics/decision making and a willingness to risk losing some games in order to get answers. Sure it might all work out in the end, but like being married, to say, Sharon Stone...it sounds like a lotta work. We expect GM Elway to be QB shopping in the offseason for someone of a more conventional bent.
As for the game the question remains...How will Denver possibly score today? They have put up more than two TDs only twice in Tebow's 11 starts and those came against Oakland, who recently fired their Defensive Coordinator, and Minnesota who finished an ugly 31st in Total Defense. Today, however, they get the fairest stop troops in all the land as Pittsburgh finished #1 defensively giving up only 14.1 points per game. Even worse they held opponents to under 100 ypg on the ground and allowed the second least rushing TDs in the league. Toss in a blitzing James Harrison and a ball-hawking Troy Polamalu and you might want to keep the kids in their rooms as no impressionable youth should be exposed to what could be an unsafe helping of Brady Quinn.
Earlier this year the Steelers took on a Seattle team sporting the youngest offensive line since the expansion year Carolina Panthers and shut them out 24-0. We see more of the same here so we'll go Pittsburgh -9 and with Big Ben still limping the run-first approach will hopefully keep this one Under 33.5 in the antidote to your Lions-Saints hangover.
Officially the Steelers don't have cheerleaders, but these girls seem to be in the spirit!--Atlanta at New York Giants: On Tuesday the temperature here in New York was 8 with a wind chill of -2. Today it's 52 and could reach as high as 60. Up, down, big, small frankly my testicles don't know what to do these days. Seemingly this bodes well for the Dome as Home Falcons, but after many a frozen tailgating adventure at The Meadowlands we can assure it's always 20 degrees colder in the swamps of Jersey and the wind is constantly swirling. We've detailed Matt Ryan's H/A splits here in the past, but to update you this year he had a 102.9 QB rate and 17/5 ratio at home against 84.6 and 12/7 on the road.
On the other hand we're no big fans of the Giants and feel their playoff clinching wins over the Jets and Cowboys were as much the result of flawed opponents as it was their own ability. The one thing we do know is that the Giants Front Four has been playing well. For the year they ranked tied with the Ravens for 3rd in sacks against the Falcons' below average 21st ranking. Both O-Lines allowed a similiar number of sacks so it should be the Giants in Matt Ryan's face more often than the Falcons in Eli Manning's.
All this bodes well for another possible big game for WR Victor Cruz which seems stunning. Not that Cruz isn't a talent, but more that he has broken virtually every receiving record in the long history of the Giants franchise this year and still defenses refuse to pay him any special attention. Against the Jets Darrell Revis spent most of his time matched up against a hobbling Hakeem Nicks and broke up at least 3 passes intended for 4th stringer Ramses Barden, a player who I assume was given that name to remind his parents to use a condom in the future. Expect more of the same as from observation it appears the Falcons let their CBs play sides of the field rather than match up with certain receivers. Still we'll go Under 47.5 here, but make it a Favorites sweep of the weekend by taking the Giants -3.
There are no official Giant cheerleaders either. But at this point let me add that the ubiquity of these large breasted, small waisted women on the Internet has almost become boring...
...as I said..."almost"...I couldn't write another line...nor do you want me when this is waiting...
Another British Page 6 girl...Can you get a U.S. subscription to the Daily Mirror?
Sunday, January 1, 2012
One Hand Holds The Bottle, One Hand Holds My Shame
...and no that is not a description of how I spent my New Year's Eve. In fact, aside from it being the alcoholic version of Amatuer Night, I generally stay in on NYE since I prefer, as George Thorogood once put it, to drink alone. I will not add the superfluous next line to that song since saying you "drink alone" already implies you're "all by myself", but then again I guess I shouldn't expect Bob Dylan "Desolation Row"-like lyrics (why were Ezra Pound and T.S. Eliot fighting in the Captain's Tower again?...you know what we'll discuss it later...) from a man who had a Cult Hit with a song titled "One Scotch, One Bourbon and One Beer". Still I've always found that chorus the laziest lyric since The Scorpions rhymed "here I am" with "hurricane"...and suddenly I'm starting to think maybe I should get out among people at least a little on these occasions. So moving on to...
Baylor-Washington...if you've been reading this blog from the beginning of the season you know that I don't find these wild shootouts to be "Instant Classics" and this one was no different. Seeing these offenses going up and down the field at will was like waiting for a contestant to miss a question on The Joker's Wild. It's just too easy. Now I know I'm a glass half empty kinda guy to begin with, but could these defenses at least mix in a third and long every now and then to make it difficult. If I wanna see hopeless I'll challenge my Special Ed. class to spell the word "Colonel" again...nobody got past the first "o".
But then again maybe I'm just angry because I had Washington +9 as they became the first underdog in 56 non-overtime games to score 50+ points and not cover the spread. Like I tell my Genocide Studies class after assigning them the classic Rwanda history We Wish To Inform You Tomorrow We Will Be Killed With All Our Families...it's hard to get happy after that one. Though now that I think of it that's kinda implied in the title.
Nope...Washington +9 still hurts!
Overall the bowl picks posted on these pages didn't fare much better. My selection of Florida State -3 survived over Notre Dame despite the best efforts of the FSU head coach who decided to go for two twice in the first minute of the fourth quarter, failed both times, and thereby nearly shoved pointspread victory into the jaws of defeat. I thought we put this problem to bed quite eloquently in our "Two Point Conversion Decisions Are Time Sensitive" article from September, but then again I shouldn't expect much from an adult who goes by the name Jimbo.
In the other plays BeyondThe Bets.com's Underdog specials on Washington and Iowa got reamed by two long, spread covering TD runs by favorites who were in "need one more 1st down to run out the clock" mode. The latter play coupled with Fred's Pick of Iowa State in the Pinstripe Bowl left us feeling like we just got f--ked by the entire state of Iowa...kinda like Michelle Bachmann.
We still have one play left on Oklahoma State -3.5 over Stanford in the Fiesta Bowl. And whether you follow these picks and analysis or "fade" them bigger than a '80s Kid & Play haircut check back as the Bowls run through January 9th and we'll try to provide more posts, picks and pre-pubescent humor along the way.
NFL
--A lot of things are disappointing. The people who frequent nude beaches, for example, are seldom the people you want to see with their clothes off in any setting let alone beneath the unremitting glare of the sun and having been to several Melissa Etheridge/Indigo Girls shows I can tell you unequivocally that lesbians don't generally look like they do in pornos or on The Howard Stern Show. But these things notwithstanding the AFC West this year has bummed me out.
Now I thought the 7-9 Seattle Seahawks making the playoffs last year was the saddest thing I saw since I watched the manager at our local Dollar Store spill mustard on his tie then take it off and hang it on the rack for sale, but the clusterf--k that takes place today between Oakland, Denver, San Diego and Kansas City is like watching Tara Reid do Shakespeare.
Briefly put the Broncos take the division with a win or a Raiders loss while the Raiders need both a win and a Broncos loss to get the #4 seed. Even worse is the fact that if the Bengals lose to Baltimore one of these trainwrecks could easily wind up with a Wild Card berth as the #6 seed where they'd get to face the fading, Tyler Yates-led Texans. All the scenarios are available here http://sports.yahoo.com/nfl/news;_ylt=AmrG_3kh7GboIRsnz7_COtRDubYF?slug=ys-nfl_playoff_picture
So what's gonna happen? Well last week we analyzed heck outta the NYG-NYJ matchup by comparing second half schedules and noting that the Giants slate was predominantly more difficult than the Jets thereby hiding the true talent levels of the two teams. Here it's hard to do the same since as division mates these teams have all played similiar skeds and all been terrible in their own way until it's like comparing apples to even crappier apples.
For the Chargers and Raiders the problem is defense. In San Diego Norv Turner has always been an offensive guy and since he's all but out the door his defenders have little reason to put forth more than a cursory effort as they showed in Detroit last week. Meanwhile the Raiders have gone 2-3 in their last 5, but during than span their stop troops have been pounded like a baby photographer at Bjork's house. Their only wins coming courtesy of 3 Caleb Hanie interceptions and the Chiefs scoring a mere 13 points on 489 yards of offense which is the NFL version of showing up at Courtney Love's house with a fistful of Vicodin and not coming home with chlymidia. The number here is 48.5 and we'd lean heavily toward an over it weren't for the Raiders Red Zone problems and Phillip Rivers 2011 penchant for untimely INTs.
In the other game the bloom came off the rose for Tim Tebow last week, but it's more the return of Kyle Orton for K.C. that has us leaning toward the Chiefs in Mile High. Kansas City has put up over 400 yards offense in both of Orton's starts and while he may not be outwardly bitter over his demotion/release by John Elway I'm sure he's a little more focused than usual. As for Tebow his poor effort against a banged up, seive-like Bills squad doesn't bode well for a strong performance vs. a D that has held 4 of it's last 5 oponents under 16 points including the Steelers and Packers. We see a Chiefs upset here so the onus will be on the Silver and Black to keep Al Davis' legacy alive and Bill Maher's tweeting fingers busy in Oakland.
What?...you want captions?...listen I'll pull the whole thing right now...
--As for the other AFC games with make or break playoff implications the Jets are at Miami clinging to the tiniest of hopes their season will continue. Fred's Picks are now at 7-5-1 (NFL only) and on a 2 game slide, but we have to concur once again with his selection which is the Dolphins -3. The loss to the Giants last week sent the J-Men's camp into disarray. Offensively there is talk of firing OC Brian Schottenheimer, overhauling the O-Line and committing more to the running game. But as my High School baseball coach told me when I tried to break an 0-17 slump by switching bats every time I came up...sometimes it's not the bow, it's the Indian. And in the NFL the Big Chief is the QB and quite frankly Mark Sanchez ain't exactly Crazy Horse at Little Bighorn. It appears Rex Ryan is gonna ride it out with the Overthrowin' Trojan for the foreseeable future, but with his D not playing up to the dominant levels of his first years in NY the chance to play for the big prize may be slipping farther and farther away.
--As for the Bengals they have done great things this year, but the fact remains that they have exactly one win over teams with winning records this year (24-17 at Tennessee). Still they lead the Titans, Jets, Raiders and Broncos by one game and with all those teams Dogs or small favorites today they could still sneak in even if they fall to the Ravens. And in fact drawing the Ravens in Cinncy as opposed to say Pittsburgh may actual be a minor break since Baltimore has enjoyed the road this year about as much as Syd Barrett registering losses to Tennesse, Jacksonville, Seattle and San Diego away from the Land of the Crab Cake. Still it would seem Tennessee playing away against the locked in and resting their starters Houston may have the best chance at stealing the #6 seed...so why is nobody talking about Mike Munchak as AFC Coach of the Year material?
--Finally the big one is Sunday Night with Dallas at the Giants. We're running late so see last week's post for our NYG analysis. On the flip side the Cowboys have won once in their last 4 and that was against the "Wake Me When This Is Over" Buccaneers, they have a slightly banged up QB, a shaky secondary and everything to lose here. We're no big Giant fans, but if their winning allows us to see plenty of shots of an egomaniacal, pompous ass like Jerry Jones squirm then what can we say but...G-I-A-N-T-S (sorry 'Boys fans).
--Oh yeah, our pick is Chiefs +3.
Check back periodically for Bowl and Playoff bits. It's been a tolerable ride...and from me that's a rave...thanks for playing. B-E-E-R...what a good idea!!
Seriously, Lingerie Football's not catching on?...That's a head scratcher...Stop that. I mean it the other way...
Baylor-Washington...if you've been reading this blog from the beginning of the season you know that I don't find these wild shootouts to be "Instant Classics" and this one was no different. Seeing these offenses going up and down the field at will was like waiting for a contestant to miss a question on The Joker's Wild. It's just too easy. Now I know I'm a glass half empty kinda guy to begin with, but could these defenses at least mix in a third and long every now and then to make it difficult. If I wanna see hopeless I'll challenge my Special Ed. class to spell the word "Colonel" again...nobody got past the first "o".
But then again maybe I'm just angry because I had Washington +9 as they became the first underdog in 56 non-overtime games to score 50+ points and not cover the spread. Like I tell my Genocide Studies class after assigning them the classic Rwanda history We Wish To Inform You Tomorrow We Will Be Killed With All Our Families...it's hard to get happy after that one. Though now that I think of it that's kinda implied in the title.
Nope...Washington +9 still hurts!Overall the bowl picks posted on these pages didn't fare much better. My selection of Florida State -3 survived over Notre Dame despite the best efforts of the FSU head coach who decided to go for two twice in the first minute of the fourth quarter, failed both times, and thereby nearly shoved pointspread victory into the jaws of defeat. I thought we put this problem to bed quite eloquently in our "Two Point Conversion Decisions Are Time Sensitive" article from September, but then again I shouldn't expect much from an adult who goes by the name Jimbo.
In the other plays BeyondThe Bets.com's Underdog specials on Washington and Iowa got reamed by two long, spread covering TD runs by favorites who were in "need one more 1st down to run out the clock" mode. The latter play coupled with Fred's Pick of Iowa State in the Pinstripe Bowl left us feeling like we just got f--ked by the entire state of Iowa...kinda like Michelle Bachmann.
We still have one play left on Oklahoma State -3.5 over Stanford in the Fiesta Bowl. And whether you follow these picks and analysis or "fade" them bigger than a '80s Kid & Play haircut check back as the Bowls run through January 9th and we'll try to provide more posts, picks and pre-pubescent humor along the way.
NFL
--A lot of things are disappointing. The people who frequent nude beaches, for example, are seldom the people you want to see with their clothes off in any setting let alone beneath the unremitting glare of the sun and having been to several Melissa Etheridge/Indigo Girls shows I can tell you unequivocally that lesbians don't generally look like they do in pornos or on The Howard Stern Show. But these things notwithstanding the AFC West this year has bummed me out.
Now I thought the 7-9 Seattle Seahawks making the playoffs last year was the saddest thing I saw since I watched the manager at our local Dollar Store spill mustard on his tie then take it off and hang it on the rack for sale, but the clusterf--k that takes place today between Oakland, Denver, San Diego and Kansas City is like watching Tara Reid do Shakespeare.
Briefly put the Broncos take the division with a win or a Raiders loss while the Raiders need both a win and a Broncos loss to get the #4 seed. Even worse is the fact that if the Bengals lose to Baltimore one of these trainwrecks could easily wind up with a Wild Card berth as the #6 seed where they'd get to face the fading, Tyler Yates-led Texans. All the scenarios are available here http://sports.yahoo.com/nfl/news;_ylt=AmrG_3kh7GboIRsnz7_COtRDubYF?slug=ys-nfl_playoff_picture
So what's gonna happen? Well last week we analyzed heck outta the NYG-NYJ matchup by comparing second half schedules and noting that the Giants slate was predominantly more difficult than the Jets thereby hiding the true talent levels of the two teams. Here it's hard to do the same since as division mates these teams have all played similiar skeds and all been terrible in their own way until it's like comparing apples to even crappier apples.
For the Chargers and Raiders the problem is defense. In San Diego Norv Turner has always been an offensive guy and since he's all but out the door his defenders have little reason to put forth more than a cursory effort as they showed in Detroit last week. Meanwhile the Raiders have gone 2-3 in their last 5, but during than span their stop troops have been pounded like a baby photographer at Bjork's house. Their only wins coming courtesy of 3 Caleb Hanie interceptions and the Chiefs scoring a mere 13 points on 489 yards of offense which is the NFL version of showing up at Courtney Love's house with a fistful of Vicodin and not coming home with chlymidia. The number here is 48.5 and we'd lean heavily toward an over it weren't for the Raiders Red Zone problems and Phillip Rivers 2011 penchant for untimely INTs.
In the other game the bloom came off the rose for Tim Tebow last week, but it's more the return of Kyle Orton for K.C. that has us leaning toward the Chiefs in Mile High. Kansas City has put up over 400 yards offense in both of Orton's starts and while he may not be outwardly bitter over his demotion/release by John Elway I'm sure he's a little more focused than usual. As for Tebow his poor effort against a banged up, seive-like Bills squad doesn't bode well for a strong performance vs. a D that has held 4 of it's last 5 oponents under 16 points including the Steelers and Packers. We see a Chiefs upset here so the onus will be on the Silver and Black to keep Al Davis' legacy alive and Bill Maher's tweeting fingers busy in Oakland.
What?...you want captions?...listen I'll pull the whole thing right now...--As for the other AFC games with make or break playoff implications the Jets are at Miami clinging to the tiniest of hopes their season will continue. Fred's Picks are now at 7-5-1 (NFL only) and on a 2 game slide, but we have to concur once again with his selection which is the Dolphins -3. The loss to the Giants last week sent the J-Men's camp into disarray. Offensively there is talk of firing OC Brian Schottenheimer, overhauling the O-Line and committing more to the running game. But as my High School baseball coach told me when I tried to break an 0-17 slump by switching bats every time I came up...sometimes it's not the bow, it's the Indian. And in the NFL the Big Chief is the QB and quite frankly Mark Sanchez ain't exactly Crazy Horse at Little Bighorn. It appears Rex Ryan is gonna ride it out with the Overthrowin' Trojan for the foreseeable future, but with his D not playing up to the dominant levels of his first years in NY the chance to play for the big prize may be slipping farther and farther away.
--As for the Bengals they have done great things this year, but the fact remains that they have exactly one win over teams with winning records this year (24-17 at Tennessee). Still they lead the Titans, Jets, Raiders and Broncos by one game and with all those teams Dogs or small favorites today they could still sneak in even if they fall to the Ravens. And in fact drawing the Ravens in Cinncy as opposed to say Pittsburgh may actual be a minor break since Baltimore has enjoyed the road this year about as much as Syd Barrett registering losses to Tennesse, Jacksonville, Seattle and San Diego away from the Land of the Crab Cake. Still it would seem Tennessee playing away against the locked in and resting their starters Houston may have the best chance at stealing the #6 seed...so why is nobody talking about Mike Munchak as AFC Coach of the Year material?
--Finally the big one is Sunday Night with Dallas at the Giants. We're running late so see last week's post for our NYG analysis. On the flip side the Cowboys have won once in their last 4 and that was against the "Wake Me When This Is Over" Buccaneers, they have a slightly banged up QB, a shaky secondary and everything to lose here. We're no big Giant fans, but if their winning allows us to see plenty of shots of an egomaniacal, pompous ass like Jerry Jones squirm then what can we say but...G-I-A-N-T-S (sorry 'Boys fans).
--Oh yeah, our pick is Chiefs +3.
Check back periodically for Bowl and Playoff bits. It's been a tolerable ride...and from me that's a rave...thanks for playing. B-E-E-R...what a good idea!!
Seriously, Lingerie Football's not catching on?...That's a head scratcher...Stop that. I mean it the other way...
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Happy Sailors Dancing On A Sinking Ship
For those who have sent along birthday wishes...thanks! And to answer the question no I do not get ripped off by having my birthday on December 25th. Years ago I came up with the plan of witholding my gift to anyone who does not give me two in return. Now if we could only get the NCAA to adopt this +1 approach, well...
Oh and before I forget...Happy Birthday to friggin' me...
Funny how it always takes the school's annual Symphonic Holiday Concert to remind me just how many Oriental students we actually have enrolled. But hats off to them for finding time in their schedules between Forensics Club, Model U.N., AP Chemistry, Girl's Volleyball and re-taking the Driver's License test over and over. I guess it's true what they say...there's always room for cello.
Plus for the students who asked here are my Top 6 reasons for not participating in our pre-break Pajama Day II: 6. My "slanket" was in the wash...5. I was previously told I could not "dress for the job I want"...4. Two words: Nocturnal Emission...3. I sleep in the nude and there'd have been no winners there...2. Minus the chip crumbs that was what I slept in the night before...and...1. I have enough trouble staying awake there the way it is.
And lastly is there anyone more annoying than those Tailgating Guys in the Mobile 3G commercials who are on top of everything with their phones. What happened to the goal in life being to be left the f--- alone. Makes you long for the days of the old Joe Friday Dragnet rotary phone where when a girl gave you her number you'd have to weigh how attractive she was against how many 8's, 9's and 0's were in her number to decide whether it was worth calling her back. Or better yet the even older Andy Griffith two-handed phone where it was worthless calling those 976 sex lines because the girl would ask you to touch yourself and you'd have to rub up against a wall because you didn't have a hand free...oh right football, here we go...
CFB
--George Carlin used to say he didn't eat tomatoes because while they look nice on the outside when you bite into one inside it appears to be still in the larval stage...which is kinda how I view Rutgers HC Greg Schiano. There's no doubt Schiano has done yeoman's work in taking a program that many we're saying should drop down to the FCS level and turning it into a viable FBS team. And on the outside everything looks great what with brand new multi-million dollar facilities, strong recruiting and several minor bowl appearances. But on the inside, i.e. game day, things are not quite so rosy. Despite the successful records Jersey Greg has proven time and again to be a poor in-game coach who hasn't been able to get over the hump and break through to a top tier bowl despite having a lot of NFL level talent (check your favorite team's roster) in an extremely weak BCS conference.
Nothing proves this better than his astounding 0-11 record versus West Virginia, the team to beat in the post Miami (FL)/Virginia Tech Big East. This year Rutgers not only succumbed to the Mountaineers again, but with the conference title still in reach may have delivered the signature loss of the Schiano era when they fell to then 4-6 Connecticut and retread coach Paul Pasqualoni 40-22 in their season finale.
Which all brings us to our Bowl selections and "Fred's Picks" Early Bowl Lock-Iowa State +2 over Rutgers in the Dec. 30 Pinstripe Bowl. And while we're at it let's also give you the BeyondTheBets.com top Bowl Underdog plays of Iowa +14 over Oklahoma and Washington +9.5 over Baylor. In the former the Hawkeyes coach Kirk Ferentz is 7-2 ATS in Bowl Games including 5 outright wins in 7 games as a Dog and catches a banged up Sooner team that thought they'd be playing for the National Title before a late season swoon. As for the Huskies the key may be underrated HC Steve Sarkisian who in his brief tenure in the great Northwest has gone 5-0 SU/ATS in games in which he has had more than a week to prepare including a 19-7 upset of Nebraska as an 11.5 point Dog in their bowl last year.
So to recap our Bowl plays so far are Iowa State +2 (Fred's Pick), Florida St. -3 (my pick), Washington +9.5 & Iowa +14 (BeyondTheBets) and Oklahoma State -4 (my pick). God Bless Us All...Everyone!
NFL
--The comedian Nick DiPaolo in discussing elderly women who opt for plastic surgery points out that if you're going to get your face tightened don't forget about the area below your chin lest you wind up with the forehead of a 16 year-old girl and the neck of Snapping Turtle. The NFL equivalent of this oversight appears to be the Chicago Bears.
Now I'm no huge fan of Jay Cutler or Mike Martz but through the first 10 games of the season they were clicking well enough to combine with their Top 10/Brian Urlacher-lead defense to make Da Bears a serious Super Bowl contender. In all Chicago's O topped 30 points in 6 of 10 tries and their record stood at 7-3 before Cutler went down for the year. And this is where GM Jerry Angelo needed to go to work.
You see unlike the nursery in Eric Clapton's apartment the window of opportunity in the NFL doesn't stay open forever (too soon?). With a huge decision/investment to be made concerning Matt Forte and Urlacher/Peppers not getting any younger Angelo needed to opt for more Botox or at least a cheap turtleneck to cover up the turkey-neck that is Caleb Hanie at QB and at least get the Bears to the Playoffs where maybe Cutler could be resurrected for one good run.
It didn't happen and after close losses to the defense-less Raiders and the Tyler Palko-led Chiefs Marion Barber did his best Schleprock/Weeble impression as the unluckiest guy not to fall down at Denver and the pooch was screwed. Had Angelo swung a deal for Kyle Orton (he couldn't beat the Chiefs on the waiver wire) or trolled for a Seneca Wallace or some other competent place holder who knows what might have happened. Sunday night ex-Raider castoff Josh McCown starts against Green Bay and can pretty much not help but being an improvement, yet alas it appears the Atlanta and Detroit wins last week will have the Bears on the outside looking in. Another plastic surgery disaster that could make even Suzanne Somers sad.
Actually this might be the kid from Mask, I really didn't check it thoroughly...
--Two weeks ago people said we were on crack for picking the Seattle Seahawks to make the playoffs. First let me say I would never smoke anything that is named after a part of my ass and second it should be noted that Pete Carroll's crew currently stands at #7 in the NFC with the best chance to get to the Big Dance if Atlanta or Detroit stumble.
The Falcons play Tampa Bay at home the final week so they're basically in, but the Lions may still have problems. First off they get the red-hot Chargers today at home before finishing at Green Bay. Neither of those are sure things even if last week's loss means the Pack rests their starters, as extreme cold and snow could still be an issue for the Dome-bound Detroiters. Meanwhile Seattle gets San Francisco today and Arizona in the finale. It's still a longshot that needs tiebreaker help, but hey the Lions have had exactly two kickers (Eddie Murray, Jason Hanson) in the last 31 years and if that could happen why the Hell not this?
How old am I on this Birthday? Let's just say my first thought on seeing this picture was..."she's just asking for back problems".
--In a day of many big games the biggest may be the virtual playoff elimination matchup between the Jets and the Giants. A lot has been made in recent weeks of Tom Coughlin's abysmal 2nd half record with New York and certainly that is something to be considered. But remember the Giants did have a heckuva 2nd half run in winning the Super Bowl in 2007 and a quick perusal of their sked from November on this year indicates they may have an excuse for their recent troubles.
Starting on 11/6 the Gi'nts faced N.E., S.F., Phi., N.O., G.B., Dal., Was. That's 5 division leaders among their 7 opponents and 2 of those games they won. On the other hand the Jets over this same period took on Buf. (twice), N.E., Den., Was., K.C., Phi. with wins coming only over the injury-riddled Bills, the Palko-led Chiefs and the Redskins. Of the three common opponents in those games (N.E., Phi., Was.) both the New Yorkers went 1-2 but the Giants were outscored only 44-60 while the Jets put up 69 points but were garretted for 101 against.
It's hard to look worse than Eli and the Giants did last week, but Off The Marky Mark Sanchez and the Jets gave it a helluva try in Philly. Fred and I are off this one, but if you're inclined toward investing here keep the recent scheduling dichotomy in mind before plunging ahead.
--Fred's Pick is back to a normal font after last week's Jets play, but he still stands at a profitable 7-4-1 on the year. Today's advice is to go with the hot hand of Kyle (Don't Call Me Ol' Ace) Orton and the Chiefs at -2 over Oakland. And after a week off we're back on the bandwagon here. Orton finally gives the Chiefs a reasonable offensive prescence that even Matt Cassell didn't provide and the defense under Romeo Crennel has held division leaders Green Bay, Pittsburgh and Denver all under 20 points in recent weeks. Oakland's playoff hopes were crushed like Giles Corey at the Salem Witch Trials with Detroit's miracle comeback last week and now they must venture to Arrowhead Stadium a setting known league-wide for being more hostile than the Double Deuce bar in Roadhouse. K.C. pressured Aaron Rodgers into a mere 80.1 QB Rate last week. They should have even more success against an interception-prone Carson Palmer today. Good luck.
--According to BeyondTheBets today's top public plays are Carolina over Tampa, San Diego over Detroit and San Francisco over Seattle which to me is stunning in that Denver over Buffalo is not on that list. Has the public decided to pull a Jim Rockford and tuck and roll their way off the Tebow bandwagon after one loss? Versus a team on an 8 game, haven't even been close, losing streak? Even though Denver lost last week we were impressed that Tebow didn't go in the tank like the Detroit start, but played his game-passing a little, running for 93 yards and two TDs and putting up a reasonable 23 points. It was the defense that let them down, but against Tom Brady and the Pats that's to be expected. Denver is -2.5 in Buffalo and while we lean that way our official play will be the Seahawks +1 over the 49ers in Seattle. It's difficult to run on a Pete Carroll D and that's what S.F. wants to do. Additionally, the Niners have played only 3 road games in their last 8 winning once at John Beck's Washington against 2 losses. Add in an over-inflation in the public eye because of a Monday win over Pittsburgh in a game where Ben Roethlisberger was limping like he just had a 3 way with Bill Conlin and Jerry Sandusky and the Seahawks look like a hot team that is under the radar in this one. Finished...literally!
Seriously, why would you ever work...
Oh and before I forget...Happy Birthday to friggin' me...
Funny how it always takes the school's annual Symphonic Holiday Concert to remind me just how many Oriental students we actually have enrolled. But hats off to them for finding time in their schedules between Forensics Club, Model U.N., AP Chemistry, Girl's Volleyball and re-taking the Driver's License test over and over. I guess it's true what they say...there's always room for cello.
Plus for the students who asked here are my Top 6 reasons for not participating in our pre-break Pajama Day II: 6. My "slanket" was in the wash...5. I was previously told I could not "dress for the job I want"...4. Two words: Nocturnal Emission...3. I sleep in the nude and there'd have been no winners there...2. Minus the chip crumbs that was what I slept in the night before...and...1. I have enough trouble staying awake there the way it is.
And lastly is there anyone more annoying than those Tailgating Guys in the Mobile 3G commercials who are on top of everything with their phones. What happened to the goal in life being to be left the f--- alone. Makes you long for the days of the old Joe Friday Dragnet rotary phone where when a girl gave you her number you'd have to weigh how attractive she was against how many 8's, 9's and 0's were in her number to decide whether it was worth calling her back. Or better yet the even older Andy Griffith two-handed phone where it was worthless calling those 976 sex lines because the girl would ask you to touch yourself and you'd have to rub up against a wall because you didn't have a hand free...oh right football, here we go...
CFB
--George Carlin used to say he didn't eat tomatoes because while they look nice on the outside when you bite into one inside it appears to be still in the larval stage...which is kinda how I view Rutgers HC Greg Schiano. There's no doubt Schiano has done yeoman's work in taking a program that many we're saying should drop down to the FCS level and turning it into a viable FBS team. And on the outside everything looks great what with brand new multi-million dollar facilities, strong recruiting and several minor bowl appearances. But on the inside, i.e. game day, things are not quite so rosy. Despite the successful records Jersey Greg has proven time and again to be a poor in-game coach who hasn't been able to get over the hump and break through to a top tier bowl despite having a lot of NFL level talent (check your favorite team's roster) in an extremely weak BCS conference.
Nothing proves this better than his astounding 0-11 record versus West Virginia, the team to beat in the post Miami (FL)/Virginia Tech Big East. This year Rutgers not only succumbed to the Mountaineers again, but with the conference title still in reach may have delivered the signature loss of the Schiano era when they fell to then 4-6 Connecticut and retread coach Paul Pasqualoni 40-22 in their season finale.
Which all brings us to our Bowl selections and "Fred's Picks" Early Bowl Lock-Iowa State +2 over Rutgers in the Dec. 30 Pinstripe Bowl. And while we're at it let's also give you the BeyondTheBets.com top Bowl Underdog plays of Iowa +14 over Oklahoma and Washington +9.5 over Baylor. In the former the Hawkeyes coach Kirk Ferentz is 7-2 ATS in Bowl Games including 5 outright wins in 7 games as a Dog and catches a banged up Sooner team that thought they'd be playing for the National Title before a late season swoon. As for the Huskies the key may be underrated HC Steve Sarkisian who in his brief tenure in the great Northwest has gone 5-0 SU/ATS in games in which he has had more than a week to prepare including a 19-7 upset of Nebraska as an 11.5 point Dog in their bowl last year.
So to recap our Bowl plays so far are Iowa State +2 (Fred's Pick), Florida St. -3 (my pick), Washington +9.5 & Iowa +14 (BeyondTheBets) and Oklahoma State -4 (my pick). God Bless Us All...Everyone!
NFL
--The comedian Nick DiPaolo in discussing elderly women who opt for plastic surgery points out that if you're going to get your face tightened don't forget about the area below your chin lest you wind up with the forehead of a 16 year-old girl and the neck of Snapping Turtle. The NFL equivalent of this oversight appears to be the Chicago Bears.
Now I'm no huge fan of Jay Cutler or Mike Martz but through the first 10 games of the season they were clicking well enough to combine with their Top 10/Brian Urlacher-lead defense to make Da Bears a serious Super Bowl contender. In all Chicago's O topped 30 points in 6 of 10 tries and their record stood at 7-3 before Cutler went down for the year. And this is where GM Jerry Angelo needed to go to work.
You see unlike the nursery in Eric Clapton's apartment the window of opportunity in the NFL doesn't stay open forever (too soon?). With a huge decision/investment to be made concerning Matt Forte and Urlacher/Peppers not getting any younger Angelo needed to opt for more Botox or at least a cheap turtleneck to cover up the turkey-neck that is Caleb Hanie at QB and at least get the Bears to the Playoffs where maybe Cutler could be resurrected for one good run.
It didn't happen and after close losses to the defense-less Raiders and the Tyler Palko-led Chiefs Marion Barber did his best Schleprock/Weeble impression as the unluckiest guy not to fall down at Denver and the pooch was screwed. Had Angelo swung a deal for Kyle Orton (he couldn't beat the Chiefs on the waiver wire) or trolled for a Seneca Wallace or some other competent place holder who knows what might have happened. Sunday night ex-Raider castoff Josh McCown starts against Green Bay and can pretty much not help but being an improvement, yet alas it appears the Atlanta and Detroit wins last week will have the Bears on the outside looking in. Another plastic surgery disaster that could make even Suzanne Somers sad.
Actually this might be the kid from Mask, I really didn't check it thoroughly...--Two weeks ago people said we were on crack for picking the Seattle Seahawks to make the playoffs. First let me say I would never smoke anything that is named after a part of my ass and second it should be noted that Pete Carroll's crew currently stands at #7 in the NFC with the best chance to get to the Big Dance if Atlanta or Detroit stumble.
The Falcons play Tampa Bay at home the final week so they're basically in, but the Lions may still have problems. First off they get the red-hot Chargers today at home before finishing at Green Bay. Neither of those are sure things even if last week's loss means the Pack rests their starters, as extreme cold and snow could still be an issue for the Dome-bound Detroiters. Meanwhile Seattle gets San Francisco today and Arizona in the finale. It's still a longshot that needs tiebreaker help, but hey the Lions have had exactly two kickers (Eddie Murray, Jason Hanson) in the last 31 years and if that could happen why the Hell not this?
How old am I on this Birthday? Let's just say my first thought on seeing this picture was..."she's just asking for back problems".--In a day of many big games the biggest may be the virtual playoff elimination matchup between the Jets and the Giants. A lot has been made in recent weeks of Tom Coughlin's abysmal 2nd half record with New York and certainly that is something to be considered. But remember the Giants did have a heckuva 2nd half run in winning the Super Bowl in 2007 and a quick perusal of their sked from November on this year indicates they may have an excuse for their recent troubles.
Starting on 11/6 the Gi'nts faced N.E., S.F., Phi., N.O., G.B., Dal., Was. That's 5 division leaders among their 7 opponents and 2 of those games they won. On the other hand the Jets over this same period took on Buf. (twice), N.E., Den., Was., K.C., Phi. with wins coming only over the injury-riddled Bills, the Palko-led Chiefs and the Redskins. Of the three common opponents in those games (N.E., Phi., Was.) both the New Yorkers went 1-2 but the Giants were outscored only 44-60 while the Jets put up 69 points but were garretted for 101 against.
It's hard to look worse than Eli and the Giants did last week, but Off The Marky Mark Sanchez and the Jets gave it a helluva try in Philly. Fred and I are off this one, but if you're inclined toward investing here keep the recent scheduling dichotomy in mind before plunging ahead.
--Fred's Pick is back to a normal font after last week's Jets play, but he still stands at a profitable 7-4-1 on the year. Today's advice is to go with the hot hand of Kyle (Don't Call Me Ol' Ace) Orton and the Chiefs at -2 over Oakland. And after a week off we're back on the bandwagon here. Orton finally gives the Chiefs a reasonable offensive prescence that even Matt Cassell didn't provide and the defense under Romeo Crennel has held division leaders Green Bay, Pittsburgh and Denver all under 20 points in recent weeks. Oakland's playoff hopes were crushed like Giles Corey at the Salem Witch Trials with Detroit's miracle comeback last week and now they must venture to Arrowhead Stadium a setting known league-wide for being more hostile than the Double Deuce bar in Roadhouse. K.C. pressured Aaron Rodgers into a mere 80.1 QB Rate last week. They should have even more success against an interception-prone Carson Palmer today. Good luck.
--According to BeyondTheBets today's top public plays are Carolina over Tampa, San Diego over Detroit and San Francisco over Seattle which to me is stunning in that Denver over Buffalo is not on that list. Has the public decided to pull a Jim Rockford and tuck and roll their way off the Tebow bandwagon after one loss? Versus a team on an 8 game, haven't even been close, losing streak? Even though Denver lost last week we were impressed that Tebow didn't go in the tank like the Detroit start, but played his game-passing a little, running for 93 yards and two TDs and putting up a reasonable 23 points. It was the defense that let them down, but against Tom Brady and the Pats that's to be expected. Denver is -2.5 in Buffalo and while we lean that way our official play will be the Seahawks +1 over the 49ers in Seattle. It's difficult to run on a Pete Carroll D and that's what S.F. wants to do. Additionally, the Niners have played only 3 road games in their last 8 winning once at John Beck's Washington against 2 losses. Add in an over-inflation in the public eye because of a Monday win over Pittsburgh in a game where Ben Roethlisberger was limping like he just had a 3 way with Bill Conlin and Jerry Sandusky and the Seahawks look like a hot team that is under the radar in this one. Finished...literally!
Seriously, why would you ever work...
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Just Another Newark State Of Mind (NFL Notes-Week 9)
GENERAL NOTES
--No truth to the rumor that a distraught Nick Saban tried to hang himself, but couldn't find anyone capable of kicking the chair out from underneath. We'll have more on Nick and his Kickers next week, but we have to admit last night's #1 vs. #2 showdown did live up to its "Game of the Century" hype...too bad it was the 19th Century. I mean Rutgers-Princeton had nothing on the Tide-Tigers...well except for actual Touchdowns, but moving on...
--Last Saturday's freak Northeast snowstorm cancelled school and all planned activities on Halloween Day which allowed the kids to spontaneously declare it "Halloween Week". And let me be the first to say if I see one more 17 year old girl parading around in a blonde wig and fishnet/spandex Lady Gaga costume I swear I'm gonna...Cheer, quite frankly. There are advantages to working in the upper grades.
--Of course I should probably be more prudent with my comments in light of the still fresh furor over Ohio Gym/Health teacher Stacy Schuler who was convicted on 16 counts of sexual battery last week for sleeping with her students. My question whenever these cases arise is what teenage boy is turning these Women/Dream Makers in? Now admittedly from the pictures it appears Ms. Schuler is not gonna make us forget Miss Vaughan from Billy Madison or star in a remake of Van Halen's "Hot For Teacher" vid, but at that age I would've been happy with any sex that didn't end with me limping out of Jerry Sandusky's Penn State Football Camp. Don't overthink it, Lads, just live the dream!
--And finally I wasn't joking yesterday when I commented on feeling old because I now get distracted in the supermarket checkout by the women on Prevention magazine. Just to drive that home someone sent me this picture yesterday
prompting me to wonder is that the class from the "Scopes Monkey" trial? Who's the teacher...Ms. Crabtree? Is that Laura Ingalls second row right? Until it was pointed out that I'm third row left and then it all came back to me...the classroom, the students, the powder burns we received when the photographer under the curtain lit the flash. Please somebody shoot me now before the first piece of AARP junk mail arrives in my box...
NFL NOTES
--Last week's loss to Pittsburgh has all the talking/writing heads projecting the downfall of Bill Belichick's Patriot Dynasty. Now while the speculations may be a bit premature there is are some ominous signs lurking. For the most part Pittsburgh played press coverage last week and had their safeties attacking the intermediate zones thereby daring the Pats to beat them deep. With Ocho Cinco playing about as old as his name these days and Welker/Branch best suited for the underneath game that leaves New England's best deep threat as TE Aaron Hernandez. As long as Tom Brady's at QB the Patsies will still get their points, but the question has begun to arise whether they can get them often and fast enough to cover for a defense softening faster than the time I clicked on the YouTube trending "Celebrity Sex Tape-Dustin Diamond" before realizing that's Screech from Saved The Bell. More on the Pats/Giants game later in the "Fred's Pick" section.
--But before we leave the topic of New England receivers a quick mention should be made of Rob Gronkowski's and Julian Edelman's recent sexcapades. In Gronkowski's case we really don't see what's wrong with posting non-pornographic pics of you and your adult actress girlfriend on Twitter. Hell if I was dating BiBi Jones (photo below) I'd have our photo blown up and hauled around the school on a banner from the back of a plane like I was promoting my Surf & Sunglass Shop in Myrtle Beach. Besides if a 6'5" stud pro athlete is dating a hot, blonde porn star that's seems about par for the course, if I'm doing it then check the Field Trip fund and who cashed those PTA checks the kids brought in because something's amiss here.
On the other hand Julian Edelman's under-skirt groping of a female bar patron is a little more concerning. Then again if Crocodile Dundee taught us anything, besides what is and isn't a knife, then it's that it's wise to test the authenticity of approaching females when you're drunk in a dark nightclub...Caveat Emptor, Julian Edelman, Caveat Emp-tor!
Adult film cutie BiBi Jones...porn's answer to Mary Ann from Gilligan's Island.
--How 'bout a bold prediction...the Dallas Cowboys win the NFC East! Alright maybe that's a little too bold, but I do think it's silly to write off Jerry's Kids as finished following every loss like folks did "99 Luft Balloons" Nena after that hairy armpit video.
Going back over my dating career that's the least of the hairiness I was worried about...
Fact is according to Pro Football Reference the 'Boys have played the 3rd most difficult sked to date behind only the Rams and the Bears. Looking more closely they dealt everyone's darling du jour the 49ers their only loss in San Fran, should've beat the 6-2 Lions and except for their demolition of St. Louis have not really had another easy contest on their slate. And their losses may actually be more impressive having narrowly missed out on beating both the Jets at The Meadowlands and New England in Foxboro (where Tom Brady hasn't lost since 2006) while outgaining both. Last week was their only really poor effort and it came at Philly who was coming off bye a situation in which their coach Andy Reid has racked up a 12-0 record in his career.
Injuries are and have been a concern all year. The latest loss of underrated MLB Sean Lee is a problem, but as long as DeMarcus Ware is harrassing opposing QBs they should be able to hold their own defensively. The O-line also has it's problems, but Miles Austin is back and Demarco Murray may be on the verge of Wally Pipp-ing Felix Jones at TB. Their next 5 are against Seattle, Buffalo, at Washington, Miami and at Arizona so the potential is there to make Dallas' second act this season more than a "Feuer Und Flamme"; or "It's All In A Game" for you non-German speaking fans...and thank you Wikipedia Nena page for not forcing me to page through my milk crates full of vinyl albums for that one.
--Some Quick Hits: On several occasions girlfriends have left me for other guys (I know, I couldn't believe it either) at which point I would utter the same line Denver GM John Elway is using with Bronco fans who clambored all season for Tim Tebow: You want him, you got him! The only difference is in my personal case at least one person was happy, in Denver nobody's winning. Still we believe the Tebow experiment should go on for two reasons. First the season's already lost so might as well play Timmy T. (and maybe a coupla starts for Brady Quinn too) see if there's anything there worth salvaging or begin preparing your new plan. And secondly it gives us another potential market for our "Suck For Luck" t-shirt idea.
--Now back when I was in school people had a much more liberal idea of what was politically correct. The name of our intramural Floor Hockey team was the Mother Puckers, our intramural Basketball team began as Nudity and we played in sneakers and our Hanes briefs until a gym teacher found 17 year olds running around with beer guts disconcerting and we changed it to La Retts which we were told is French for "The Retards", but we may have been led astray on that one.
Today things are not the same. Have any mention of a beer or cigarette company on your clothing and you're pounced on by jackbooted thugs like the naked fat kid at Altamount. Still two weeks ago I saw a kid get away with this shirt for the entire day
So now I know there's plenty of "Suck For Luck" t-shirts out there, but if you live in Miami, Phoenix, Indianapolis or Denver I suggest you load up your trunk with a few boxes full featuring this style because there isn't a low-life, drunken, beer-bellied tailgater out there who wouldn't want to obnoxiously walk around with one of these. Good luck.
--In other QB news Carson Palmer gets his first full shot with Oakland today and for the sake of the memory of Al Davis here's hoping things work out. You see at next year's draft the Raiders War Room is going to be as silent as that of the Swiss Joint Chiefs of Staff since between Terrell Pryor, Palmer and other deals they have awoken the memory of George Allen's Redskins by having no selections until the 5th round. Considering Carson P. is 33 years old and has had declining QB rates for every full year he's played since 2005 and that Pryor looks, at best, like Tebow-Lite Oakland took quite a big chance when they decided to go all in after Jason Campbell's injury and, though I never thought I'd type the words, may be regretting letting Bruce Gradkowski go in the offseason. Who'd have thought the Chiefs would be front-runners in this race after Week 2?
Stop scroll...ogle...time for picks...it's really a user-friendly site...
--Fred cashed easy last week with Tennessee and is now 2-2-1 on the year. Today he goes with the Giants +9 which is an interesting play. Tom Brady is on something like a 32 game winning streak at Foxboro and NFL teams that win games SU cover around 70% of the time. The question of course is what is that percentage when the line is more than a FG or more than a TD. We're not sure, but we've talked in our college posts about enticing big numbers sometimes being traps. In this case it may just be the Pats still living off their reputation. The way to beat the Giants is to force Eli Manning into mistakes, but the N.E. defense had not shown that tendency in recent weeks. Still the Giants go in without Ahmad Bradshaw or starting C David Baas (as well as Hakeem Nicks) which bodes poorly for the run game and Belichick may be able to scheme well enough to confuse Manning and the NYG O-Line. We're staying away, but it should be an interesting game and a clue into which way these squads may be trending in the coming weeks.
--Our official play is New Orleans -8.5 over Tampa Bay. The offensive letdown in St. Louis after scoring 61 against Indy seemed inevitable. Now they're back at home and facing what we feel is a pretender to their NFC South supremacy. In the Bucs magical 2010 season they got smoked 31-6 by the Saints in Tampa before winning a meaningless, "rest your starters" game at the Superdome in Week 17. Sean Payton and Drew Brees should set things right today and hopefully Josh Freeman and company have another San Francisco style road clunker ready to roll. Now carry on without me...
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Yes, I'm a bit pensive about the Saints today as well...but hey we both have jobs to do...
--No truth to the rumor that a distraught Nick Saban tried to hang himself, but couldn't find anyone capable of kicking the chair out from underneath. We'll have more on Nick and his Kickers next week, but we have to admit last night's #1 vs. #2 showdown did live up to its "Game of the Century" hype...too bad it was the 19th Century. I mean Rutgers-Princeton had nothing on the Tide-Tigers...well except for actual Touchdowns, but moving on...
--Last Saturday's freak Northeast snowstorm cancelled school and all planned activities on Halloween Day which allowed the kids to spontaneously declare it "Halloween Week". And let me be the first to say if I see one more 17 year old girl parading around in a blonde wig and fishnet/spandex Lady Gaga costume I swear I'm gonna...Cheer, quite frankly. There are advantages to working in the upper grades.
--Of course I should probably be more prudent with my comments in light of the still fresh furor over Ohio Gym/Health teacher Stacy Schuler who was convicted on 16 counts of sexual battery last week for sleeping with her students. My question whenever these cases arise is what teenage boy is turning these Women/Dream Makers in? Now admittedly from the pictures it appears Ms. Schuler is not gonna make us forget Miss Vaughan from Billy Madison or star in a remake of Van Halen's "Hot For Teacher" vid, but at that age I would've been happy with any sex that didn't end with me limping out of Jerry Sandusky's Penn State Football Camp. Don't overthink it, Lads, just live the dream!
--And finally I wasn't joking yesterday when I commented on feeling old because I now get distracted in the supermarket checkout by the women on Prevention magazine. Just to drive that home someone sent me this picture yesterday
prompting me to wonder is that the class from the "Scopes Monkey" trial? Who's the teacher...Ms. Crabtree? Is that Laura Ingalls second row right? Until it was pointed out that I'm third row left and then it all came back to me...the classroom, the students, the powder burns we received when the photographer under the curtain lit the flash. Please somebody shoot me now before the first piece of AARP junk mail arrives in my box...NFL NOTES
--Last week's loss to Pittsburgh has all the talking/writing heads projecting the downfall of Bill Belichick's Patriot Dynasty. Now while the speculations may be a bit premature there is are some ominous signs lurking. For the most part Pittsburgh played press coverage last week and had their safeties attacking the intermediate zones thereby daring the Pats to beat them deep. With Ocho Cinco playing about as old as his name these days and Welker/Branch best suited for the underneath game that leaves New England's best deep threat as TE Aaron Hernandez. As long as Tom Brady's at QB the Patsies will still get their points, but the question has begun to arise whether they can get them often and fast enough to cover for a defense softening faster than the time I clicked on the YouTube trending "Celebrity Sex Tape-Dustin Diamond" before realizing that's Screech from Saved The Bell. More on the Pats/Giants game later in the "Fred's Pick" section.
--But before we leave the topic of New England receivers a quick mention should be made of Rob Gronkowski's and Julian Edelman's recent sexcapades. In Gronkowski's case we really don't see what's wrong with posting non-pornographic pics of you and your adult actress girlfriend on Twitter. Hell if I was dating BiBi Jones (photo below) I'd have our photo blown up and hauled around the school on a banner from the back of a plane like I was promoting my Surf & Sunglass Shop in Myrtle Beach. Besides if a 6'5" stud pro athlete is dating a hot, blonde porn star that's seems about par for the course, if I'm doing it then check the Field Trip fund and who cashed those PTA checks the kids brought in because something's amiss here.
On the other hand Julian Edelman's under-skirt groping of a female bar patron is a little more concerning. Then again if Crocodile Dundee taught us anything, besides what is and isn't a knife, then it's that it's wise to test the authenticity of approaching females when you're drunk in a dark nightclub...Caveat Emptor, Julian Edelman, Caveat Emp-tor!
Adult film cutie BiBi Jones...porn's answer to Mary Ann from Gilligan's Island.--How 'bout a bold prediction...the Dallas Cowboys win the NFC East! Alright maybe that's a little too bold, but I do think it's silly to write off Jerry's Kids as finished following every loss like folks did "99 Luft Balloons" Nena after that hairy armpit video.
Going back over my dating career that's the least of the hairiness I was worried about...Fact is according to Pro Football Reference the 'Boys have played the 3rd most difficult sked to date behind only the Rams and the Bears. Looking more closely they dealt everyone's darling du jour the 49ers their only loss in San Fran, should've beat the 6-2 Lions and except for their demolition of St. Louis have not really had another easy contest on their slate. And their losses may actually be more impressive having narrowly missed out on beating both the Jets at The Meadowlands and New England in Foxboro (where Tom Brady hasn't lost since 2006) while outgaining both. Last week was their only really poor effort and it came at Philly who was coming off bye a situation in which their coach Andy Reid has racked up a 12-0 record in his career.
Injuries are and have been a concern all year. The latest loss of underrated MLB Sean Lee is a problem, but as long as DeMarcus Ware is harrassing opposing QBs they should be able to hold their own defensively. The O-line also has it's problems, but Miles Austin is back and Demarco Murray may be on the verge of Wally Pipp-ing Felix Jones at TB. Their next 5 are against Seattle, Buffalo, at Washington, Miami and at Arizona so the potential is there to make Dallas' second act this season more than a "Feuer Und Flamme"; or "It's All In A Game" for you non-German speaking fans...and thank you Wikipedia Nena page for not forcing me to page through my milk crates full of vinyl albums for that one.
--Some Quick Hits: On several occasions girlfriends have left me for other guys (I know, I couldn't believe it either) at which point I would utter the same line Denver GM John Elway is using with Bronco fans who clambored all season for Tim Tebow: You want him, you got him! The only difference is in my personal case at least one person was happy, in Denver nobody's winning. Still we believe the Tebow experiment should go on for two reasons. First the season's already lost so might as well play Timmy T. (and maybe a coupla starts for Brady Quinn too) see if there's anything there worth salvaging or begin preparing your new plan. And secondly it gives us another potential market for our "Suck For Luck" t-shirt idea.
--Now back when I was in school people had a much more liberal idea of what was politically correct. The name of our intramural Floor Hockey team was the Mother Puckers, our intramural Basketball team began as Nudity and we played in sneakers and our Hanes briefs until a gym teacher found 17 year olds running around with beer guts disconcerting and we changed it to La Retts which we were told is French for "The Retards", but we may have been led astray on that one.
Today things are not the same. Have any mention of a beer or cigarette company on your clothing and you're pounced on by jackbooted thugs like the naked fat kid at Altamount. Still two weeks ago I saw a kid get away with this shirt for the entire day
So now I know there's plenty of "Suck For Luck" t-shirts out there, but if you live in Miami, Phoenix, Indianapolis or Denver I suggest you load up your trunk with a few boxes full featuring this style because there isn't a low-life, drunken, beer-bellied tailgater out there who wouldn't want to obnoxiously walk around with one of these. Good luck.--In other QB news Carson Palmer gets his first full shot with Oakland today and for the sake of the memory of Al Davis here's hoping things work out. You see at next year's draft the Raiders War Room is going to be as silent as that of the Swiss Joint Chiefs of Staff since between Terrell Pryor, Palmer and other deals they have awoken the memory of George Allen's Redskins by having no selections until the 5th round. Considering Carson P. is 33 years old and has had declining QB rates for every full year he's played since 2005 and that Pryor looks, at best, like Tebow-Lite Oakland took quite a big chance when they decided to go all in after Jason Campbell's injury and, though I never thought I'd type the words, may be regretting letting Bruce Gradkowski go in the offseason. Who'd have thought the Chiefs would be front-runners in this race after Week 2?
Stop scroll...ogle...time for picks...it's really a user-friendly site...--Fred cashed easy last week with Tennessee and is now 2-2-1 on the year. Today he goes with the Giants +9 which is an interesting play. Tom Brady is on something like a 32 game winning streak at Foxboro and NFL teams that win games SU cover around 70% of the time. The question of course is what is that percentage when the line is more than a FG or more than a TD. We're not sure, but we've talked in our college posts about enticing big numbers sometimes being traps. In this case it may just be the Pats still living off their reputation. The way to beat the Giants is to force Eli Manning into mistakes, but the N.E. defense had not shown that tendency in recent weeks. Still the Giants go in without Ahmad Bradshaw or starting C David Baas (as well as Hakeem Nicks) which bodes poorly for the run game and Belichick may be able to scheme well enough to confuse Manning and the NYG O-Line. We're staying away, but it should be an interesting game and a clue into which way these squads may be trending in the coming weeks.
--Our official play is New Orleans -8.5 over Tampa Bay. The offensive letdown in St. Louis after scoring 61 against Indy seemed inevitable. Now they're back at home and facing what we feel is a pretender to their NFC South supremacy. In the Bucs magical 2010 season they got smoked 31-6 by the Saints in Tampa before winning a meaningless, "rest your starters" game at the Superdome in Week 17. Sean Payton and Drew Brees should set things right today and hopefully Josh Freeman and company have another San Francisco style road clunker ready to roll. Now carry on without me...
Yes, I'm a bit pensive about the Saints today as well...but hey we both have jobs to do...
Sunday, October 23, 2011
That's Not Right...More From A Big Pants Family (NFL-Week 7)
Sorry for the lateness of this post, but it was a rough night. Suffice it to say if an officer pulls you over in the wee hours of the morning for weaving it's not advisable to put on an Elmer Fudd voice and declare, "of couwse I was weaving da baw's cwosed." Where has this country's sense of humor gone?
In other news...Miss Iceland 1974 Catherine Greig received her $2M reward this week for supplying the FBI with information that led to the capture of fugitive Whitey Bulger who, I believe, was either a mob boss or Ireland's #1 Porn Star, I'm not sure which...Also in California the state has revoked funding to a Suicide Hotline that is thought to have ties to Al Qaeda though for my money it sounds like a case of just matching people with a need...And finally goodbye to the Dictator of Many Spellings, Moammar K/Kh/C/Qaddafi. Now as soon as the markets open Monday someone remind me to sell my Jheri Curl stock.
NFL NOTES
--To some extent I guess I'm a child of the '80s. I still roll up the sleeves on my sportcoat, wonder when they're going to remake Jake and the Fat Man and scream out like the old man in the Thomas Dolby video every time I hear the word "Science" which working in a High School is, sadly, a lot. One thing, however, I did overcome is my Buddy Ryan/1986 Bears obsession with the non-stop, all out blitz. In fact I can pinpoint the exact moment it died as coming during a 76 yard bootleg TD run in 1995 against Ryan's Arizona Cardinals by Chiefs QB Steve Bono that is so slow that if you get lined up properly with the horizon you can time it with a Chronometer (see here http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-7636492405319981257#).
Today's complex offenses with their speed, motion, cut back plays and misdirection require a DC to take a more comprehensive approach to play calling that utilizes a variety of packages. Still one thing was abundantly clear as I watched the Giants-Bills game last week and that is in 3rd and medium to short yardage you have to rush more than three.
Last week Chan Gailey's clearly overmatched group nearly stole a victory from New York at The Meadowlands by virtue of two big plays and a dink-and-dunk offense that could make Chad Pennington seem like Darryl Lamonica. In the aforementioned 3rd down situations the Giants continually rushed 3 perhaps wary of giving up another 66 yard catch and run as they had in in the first quarter only to see Bills' receivers settle into vast open pockets just beyond the markers for easy pitch-and-catch first downs. Putting 8 in coverage and still having receivers be wide open is kinda like the Steve Miller Band hibernating in the studio for 6 years only to release Abracadabra...what's the point. May as well send another rusher or two in hopes of hurrying the throw, getting a sack or a batted ball.
Or in other words the days of the "Blitz 'em all and let God sort 'em out" D is gone, but for the love of God don't go back to the Tom Bass (S.D.)-Rod Rust (Den.) days of all out "Read and React." Thanks.
People say this site is all about the boobs...This should show 'em...
--Speaking of the Bills see the Michigan/Rutgers/Georgia Tech analysis section of yesterday's CFB post for difficulties encountered by teams that can't stretch the field. HC Gailey has done a magnificent job with the Buffalo offense, but while Ryan Fitzpatrick is a solid game manager his arm has all the strength of last night's Chow Fun. If it weren't for R-Fitz underthrowing two deep open receivers resulting in turnovers the Bills could be 5-1 right now. We like them versus the Miamis and Denvers of the world, but games against the Jets, Dallas and New England on the road could be Go Against situations as they're inability to stretch the field leaves them vunerable to better D's and schemes.
--In a quick note we just got "followed" on Twitter by our first actual NFL player, Green Bay Defensive End Lawrence Guy whose goes under the handle @THATGUY which I thought was reserved for Marlo Thomas's brother...but whatever...
--Fred's Picks are 1-2 as New Orleans went down at Tampa Bay last week. I personally maintain Tampa as a Go Against squad, but laid off last week as Dome teams often struggle outdoors on grass. The better play may be in two weeks when the Bucs travel to the Big Easy off a bye. As for today Fred likes Cleveland -3 over Seattle. Personally I have no feeling on this play (though my Charlie Whitehurst bashing of last week might indicate otherwise) mostly because Colt McCoy doesn't inspire much confidence in me. The happy, smiling, mop-topped, Dennis The Menace that looks out from his CBS Fantasy Sports bio reminds us of the skinny, nerdy looking lead actor in the TV show Burn Notice who is supposed to be chasing down mustachioed drug dealers and thug-like terrorists. I often ponder how such innocent, innocuous looking people could succeed in such cutthroat, macho worlds until I come to the realization that I'm actually considering picking up the Browns QB or watching more that 5 seconds of Burn Notice and I quickly move on. Wager at your own risk.
--One thing we've noticed in our gimlet-eyed view of human nature is that people "Wanna Believe". In fact it's almost as if they're saying "You Gotta Believe" until I get to feeling like it's me, the corpse of Upton Sinclair and 6.9 billion Tug McGraws in the world. Thus I feel it my obligation to nihilistically point out squads that may have gotten a false bump in the public eye from wins last week.
Today we see a misleading trio in Chicago, the Jets and Philadelphia. As for the Bears beating the Vikings at home, no matter how bad, proves little. They say age doesn't matter these days, that 50 is the new 40, 40 the new 30, 10 the new embryo...um, I'm guessing on that last one...but frankly Donovan McNabb looked about 105 last Sunday Night. Throw in that Da Bears are only two weeks removed from a loss to Detroit in which the O-Line suffered more false starts than an ADHD 100 meter dash and this is not a club that has gotten over the proverbial hump. Similiarly the Jets were presented last week with a home game against a QB, Matt Moore, who were it not for injuries and the likes of Jake Delhomme would still be pulling clipboard splinters out of his hand every Sunday night...or in other words welcome to Miami Andrew Luck. And finally Philly nearly blew a 20 point lead due to Red Zone difficulties and turnovers until John Beck stepped out of his role as Moonpie in Rollerball (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0065183/) to QB the Redskins and save the day. The Eagles are off this week and the Bears get Tampa, but keep an eye on the Chargers as a play against the Jets...now for some picks.
Deaf Chargers cheerleader Melissa Adams. You know I notice a lot of hot women with implants aren't able to hear me. Researchers should look into that.
--Mark Twain said, "all a man needs to succeed is ignorance and confidence." We have plenty of the former, but little of the latter and the latter seems to be what's necessary in the world of wagering. Therefore it seems week in and week out our various analyses are good, but when it comes time to putting that into selections we fall to pieces, follow the public and back the Eagles. Today we'll just go with our gut and try Denver -1.5 over Miami, the Chargers in a pick over NYJ and finally Dallas to finally right the ship vs. the "I Didn't Know He Was Still In The League" A.J. Feeley-led Rams at -14. Recreational purposes...not intended to induce...don't touch Baby's college fund...and like disclaimers apply.
Alright so maybe it's a little bit about the boobs...
Follow us on Facebook or Twitter (sprtcom102). Also see our ol' school wrestling posts at the "Seminal Sluts" and "Crimson Mask" titles. Women of ESPN at "Something In The Way She Says Gamecocks". Lenny Dykstra at "The Dumbest Guy In The Room". And NY Mets jokes at "Bad Stuff 'Bout Da Mets" and "Stealing Ed Kranepool's Soap". Your the best...each and every one of you!
In other news...Miss Iceland 1974 Catherine Greig received her $2M reward this week for supplying the FBI with information that led to the capture of fugitive Whitey Bulger who, I believe, was either a mob boss or Ireland's #1 Porn Star, I'm not sure which...Also in California the state has revoked funding to a Suicide Hotline that is thought to have ties to Al Qaeda though for my money it sounds like a case of just matching people with a need...And finally goodbye to the Dictator of Many Spellings, Moammar K/Kh/C/Qaddafi. Now as soon as the markets open Monday someone remind me to sell my Jheri Curl stock.
NFL NOTES
--To some extent I guess I'm a child of the '80s. I still roll up the sleeves on my sportcoat, wonder when they're going to remake Jake and the Fat Man and scream out like the old man in the Thomas Dolby video every time I hear the word "Science" which working in a High School is, sadly, a lot. One thing, however, I did overcome is my Buddy Ryan/1986 Bears obsession with the non-stop, all out blitz. In fact I can pinpoint the exact moment it died as coming during a 76 yard bootleg TD run in 1995 against Ryan's Arizona Cardinals by Chiefs QB Steve Bono that is so slow that if you get lined up properly with the horizon you can time it with a Chronometer (see here http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-7636492405319981257#).
Today's complex offenses with their speed, motion, cut back plays and misdirection require a DC to take a more comprehensive approach to play calling that utilizes a variety of packages. Still one thing was abundantly clear as I watched the Giants-Bills game last week and that is in 3rd and medium to short yardage you have to rush more than three.
Last week Chan Gailey's clearly overmatched group nearly stole a victory from New York at The Meadowlands by virtue of two big plays and a dink-and-dunk offense that could make Chad Pennington seem like Darryl Lamonica. In the aforementioned 3rd down situations the Giants continually rushed 3 perhaps wary of giving up another 66 yard catch and run as they had in in the first quarter only to see Bills' receivers settle into vast open pockets just beyond the markers for easy pitch-and-catch first downs. Putting 8 in coverage and still having receivers be wide open is kinda like the Steve Miller Band hibernating in the studio for 6 years only to release Abracadabra...what's the point. May as well send another rusher or two in hopes of hurrying the throw, getting a sack or a batted ball.
Or in other words the days of the "Blitz 'em all and let God sort 'em out" D is gone, but for the love of God don't go back to the Tom Bass (S.D.)-Rod Rust (Den.) days of all out "Read and React." Thanks.
People say this site is all about the boobs...This should show 'em...--Speaking of the Bills see the Michigan/Rutgers/Georgia Tech analysis section of yesterday's CFB post for difficulties encountered by teams that can't stretch the field. HC Gailey has done a magnificent job with the Buffalo offense, but while Ryan Fitzpatrick is a solid game manager his arm has all the strength of last night's Chow Fun. If it weren't for R-Fitz underthrowing two deep open receivers resulting in turnovers the Bills could be 5-1 right now. We like them versus the Miamis and Denvers of the world, but games against the Jets, Dallas and New England on the road could be Go Against situations as they're inability to stretch the field leaves them vunerable to better D's and schemes.
--In a quick note we just got "followed" on Twitter by our first actual NFL player, Green Bay Defensive End Lawrence Guy whose goes under the handle @THATGUY which I thought was reserved for Marlo Thomas's brother...but whatever...
--Fred's Picks are 1-2 as New Orleans went down at Tampa Bay last week. I personally maintain Tampa as a Go Against squad, but laid off last week as Dome teams often struggle outdoors on grass. The better play may be in two weeks when the Bucs travel to the Big Easy off a bye. As for today Fred likes Cleveland -3 over Seattle. Personally I have no feeling on this play (though my Charlie Whitehurst bashing of last week might indicate otherwise) mostly because Colt McCoy doesn't inspire much confidence in me. The happy, smiling, mop-topped, Dennis The Menace that looks out from his CBS Fantasy Sports bio reminds us of the skinny, nerdy looking lead actor in the TV show Burn Notice who is supposed to be chasing down mustachioed drug dealers and thug-like terrorists. I often ponder how such innocent, innocuous looking people could succeed in such cutthroat, macho worlds until I come to the realization that I'm actually considering picking up the Browns QB or watching more that 5 seconds of Burn Notice and I quickly move on. Wager at your own risk.
--One thing we've noticed in our gimlet-eyed view of human nature is that people "Wanna Believe". In fact it's almost as if they're saying "You Gotta Believe" until I get to feeling like it's me, the corpse of Upton Sinclair and 6.9 billion Tug McGraws in the world. Thus I feel it my obligation to nihilistically point out squads that may have gotten a false bump in the public eye from wins last week.
Today we see a misleading trio in Chicago, the Jets and Philadelphia. As for the Bears beating the Vikings at home, no matter how bad, proves little. They say age doesn't matter these days, that 50 is the new 40, 40 the new 30, 10 the new embryo...um, I'm guessing on that last one...but frankly Donovan McNabb looked about 105 last Sunday Night. Throw in that Da Bears are only two weeks removed from a loss to Detroit in which the O-Line suffered more false starts than an ADHD 100 meter dash and this is not a club that has gotten over the proverbial hump. Similiarly the Jets were presented last week with a home game against a QB, Matt Moore, who were it not for injuries and the likes of Jake Delhomme would still be pulling clipboard splinters out of his hand every Sunday night...or in other words welcome to Miami Andrew Luck. And finally Philly nearly blew a 20 point lead due to Red Zone difficulties and turnovers until John Beck stepped out of his role as Moonpie in Rollerball (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0065183/) to QB the Redskins and save the day. The Eagles are off this week and the Bears get Tampa, but keep an eye on the Chargers as a play against the Jets...now for some picks.
Deaf Chargers cheerleader Melissa Adams. You know I notice a lot of hot women with implants aren't able to hear me. Researchers should look into that.--Mark Twain said, "all a man needs to succeed is ignorance and confidence." We have plenty of the former, but little of the latter and the latter seems to be what's necessary in the world of wagering. Therefore it seems week in and week out our various analyses are good, but when it comes time to putting that into selections we fall to pieces, follow the public and back the Eagles. Today we'll just go with our gut and try Denver -1.5 over Miami, the Chargers in a pick over NYJ and finally Dallas to finally right the ship vs. the "I Didn't Know He Was Still In The League" A.J. Feeley-led Rams at -14. Recreational purposes...not intended to induce...don't touch Baby's college fund...and like disclaimers apply.
Alright so maybe it's a little bit about the boobs...Follow us on Facebook or Twitter (sprtcom102). Also see our ol' school wrestling posts at the "Seminal Sluts" and "Crimson Mask" titles. Women of ESPN at "Something In The Way She Says Gamecocks". Lenny Dykstra at "The Dumbest Guy In The Room". And NY Mets jokes at "Bad Stuff 'Bout Da Mets" and "Stealing Ed Kranepool's Soap". Your the best...each and every one of you!
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Live (Again)...Newbomb Turk Memorial Library (NFL Notes-Week 6)
This week in the ongoing Dress Code debate at our High School the administration took exception with girls' shorts that feature mildly suggestive phrases across the backside like "Juicy" or "Hot Stuff" which I find unfortunate since I noticed I've been getting more reading done since that style trend took hold.
Secondly to the several students who called me out over last week's pic of WCW valet Major Gunns because the name "Tylene Buck" was printed in the corner I say...seriously, did you think her mother named her "Major Gunns"? Federal education standards my ass...there are definitely Some Children (that should be) Left Behind.
NFL Notes
--When the current Mrs. Kris Humphries was working her way through the "Entertainers/Athletes" section of Who's Who of the NAACP in the wake of Hurricane Katrina a joke circulated that "Kim Kardashian had screwed more black men than FEMA."
Now I have no idea how the suffering of the people of New Orleans could've been better alleviated, but I certainly would've started by not naming my Arabian horse-loving, drinking buddy head of an agency charged with attending to the victims of major natural disasters. Similiarly if I were an NFL coach I wouldn't let my 13 year Offensive Line coach talk his way into becoming my Defensive Coordinator, but that's exactly what Eagles HC Andy Reid did this offseason.
Last week we mentioned Nnandi Asomugha's signing in relation to Philly's defensive collapse this year, but his lack of impact is just a symptom. The real germ at the heart of this disease has to be DC Juan Castillo. In the constantly shifting and aggresively mobile world of NFL assistant coaching staying an OL coach in one place for 13 years often doesn't so much indicate success as much as the fact that your banging your head against a glass ceiling like you were appearing in a Quiet Riot video filmed at the pyramid in front of The Louvre. So far this year the Eagles rank #26 in points allowed, 30 in passing TDs allowed, 30 in rush yards allowed and have forced a meager 5 turnovers. They now need to go 9-2 the rest of the way to finish 10-6 which is still no guarantee of reaching the playoffs and may be down to only two healthy offensive tackles suiting up today. So the heat is on the coaching staff in Philadelphia as they travel to Washington, but in Juan Castillo's favor if somebody has to take a bullet for you it's nice to have Andy Reid to stand behind.
This shot looks more like the "Bears" than the Eagles...not that there's anything wrong with it.
--If you're holding Peyton Manning on your Fantasy roster in the hopes he'll return this year give up the ghost, guy. When Colts owner Jim Irsay announced this week that he believes Manning will still suit up at some point this year it was obvious he may be more committed to the narcotically enhanced Beat Generation lifestyle than just paying $1M for the original scroll manuscript of Jack Kerouac's On The Road. Bringing back Manning prematurely on this 0-5 sinking ship is akin to the average, blue collar guy slapping a diamond ring on his wife after 5 kids and 30 years of marriage. Neither of you is going anywhere and it's time to accept the fact that "I'm fat, you're fat, I'll see ya around the kitchen" and save your assets for another day. See you in 2012 Peyton.
--The big news that isn't this week is that Tim Tebow is the new starter in Denver. It "isn't" news because Denver is on Bye, but many eyes will be focused on his performance at Miami next week. While we have mixed feelings about Tebow's chance for long-term success we do believe he should get a chance now rather than later.
Looking at a slate of starting QBs this week that includes Curtis Painter, Matt Moore, Rex Grossman and Colt McCoy is like taking in the exotic dancers at a Bayonne (NJ) strip club-you quickly become aware that there's just not enough hot ones to meet the demand. Now Tebow is no NFL passer right now, but who cares. Listening to Terry Bradshaw is often like trying to decipher the dialogue in an episode of Hillbilly Handfishing, but he does know QB technique and feels that over time Timmy T's elongated throwing motion can be corrected enough to make him a vertical threat. Until then we hope the Broncos staff let's him do what he does best which is improvise and run (injury threat be damned).
Sadly, however, we still have night sweats over our first round selection of Kordell Stewart at our Fantasy Draft in 1998. The year prior K-Stew ran for 11 TDs, threw for 21 and led the Steelers to a 13-3 record. The next he was asked to be something he wasn't, more of a pocket passer, and while he ran only slightly fewer times than the year before it was mostly in desperation as his rush TDs dropped to 2, his pass TDs to 11 and I ended with Tony Banks under center in a season that was no Fantasy.
HC John Fox is a safe distance from Bill Walsh, but here's hoping more creative minds prevail and Tebow's put in the best position to succeed based on his current array of talents because like a pregnant go-go dancer Brady Quinn is next up on the dance floor/depth chart.
Another Bronco fan swelling with pride over their young QB!
--Quick Hits...I once said of QB Charlie Whitehurst that he's "bad, not Sofia Coppola in The Godfather III bad, but more like Keanu Reeves in, well, anything bad". Next week he gets the start for the injured Tavaris Jackson in Seattle and the thought of betting opportunities abounds...After throwing 25 TD vs. 6 Ints. last year Josh Feeeman's ratio stands at 3-6 already in 2011. Which reminds us of no one so much as David Garrard who was a miraculous 18-3 on 335 attempts in 2007 only to throw fewer TDs and 13 and 10 Ints. respectively in 2009/10. Today he sits home while Matt Moore prepares to start Monday for Miami a comparison that may not bode well for the much ballyhooed Tampa Renaissance...When former Colt D-lineman Artie Donovan sacked Detroit QB Bobby Layne to open the second half of a game in the late 50's he was hit with the overpowering smell of alcohol. Donovan immediately assumed the hard-living Layne "musta been out all night drinkin'" to which Layne replied, "what makes you think I didn't have a few at halftime." Amen brother and now on to the picks.
--Once in the 80's Fred of "Fred's Picks" on these pages lost 14 straight NBA games to the bookie. When he called up the next night he was told there were no NBA games scheduled, but there were lines on the NHL. Fred demurred, however, explaining, "NHL? What the Hell do I know about hockey!?" I offer this as background before delivering his pick of the day which is New Orleans at -6.5 (Record: 1-1 to date). As for my selections last week we were suckered in worse than the people who buy into those ads on the right-hand side of every sport site that guarantee "Amazing Muscle Growth In Older Men" above a picture of some geezer's head photo shopped on to a 25 year-old juiceheads body when we took Philadelphia over Buffalo. Fool me once shame on me, fool me twice...ah screw it, Philly -3 over what I still say is an overrated Redskins team. Throw in Baltimore -7 (John Harbaugh 3-0 ATS off a bye) and the Giants bouncing back at -3 over Buffalo.
Finally another well-endowed British girl...I mean who's even noticing the bad teeth?
Please check out our advertisers at the top right and enjoy the games...Drunk at last, drunk at last, good God almighty I'm gettin' drunk at last.
Old school wrestling at "Crimson Mask" and "Seminal Sluts" titles, Erin Andrews at "Something In The Way She Says Gamecocks" and Lenny Dykstra at "Dumbest Guy In The Room"
Secondly to the several students who called me out over last week's pic of WCW valet Major Gunns because the name "Tylene Buck" was printed in the corner I say...seriously, did you think her mother named her "Major Gunns"? Federal education standards my ass...there are definitely Some Children (that should be) Left Behind.
NFL Notes
--When the current Mrs. Kris Humphries was working her way through the "Entertainers/Athletes" section of Who's Who of the NAACP in the wake of Hurricane Katrina a joke circulated that "Kim Kardashian had screwed more black men than FEMA."
Now I have no idea how the suffering of the people of New Orleans could've been better alleviated, but I certainly would've started by not naming my Arabian horse-loving, drinking buddy head of an agency charged with attending to the victims of major natural disasters. Similiarly if I were an NFL coach I wouldn't let my 13 year Offensive Line coach talk his way into becoming my Defensive Coordinator, but that's exactly what Eagles HC Andy Reid did this offseason.
Last week we mentioned Nnandi Asomugha's signing in relation to Philly's defensive collapse this year, but his lack of impact is just a symptom. The real germ at the heart of this disease has to be DC Juan Castillo. In the constantly shifting and aggresively mobile world of NFL assistant coaching staying an OL coach in one place for 13 years often doesn't so much indicate success as much as the fact that your banging your head against a glass ceiling like you were appearing in a Quiet Riot video filmed at the pyramid in front of The Louvre. So far this year the Eagles rank #26 in points allowed, 30 in passing TDs allowed, 30 in rush yards allowed and have forced a meager 5 turnovers. They now need to go 9-2 the rest of the way to finish 10-6 which is still no guarantee of reaching the playoffs and may be down to only two healthy offensive tackles suiting up today. So the heat is on the coaching staff in Philadelphia as they travel to Washington, but in Juan Castillo's favor if somebody has to take a bullet for you it's nice to have Andy Reid to stand behind.
This shot looks more like the "Bears" than the Eagles...not that there's anything wrong with it.--If you're holding Peyton Manning on your Fantasy roster in the hopes he'll return this year give up the ghost, guy. When Colts owner Jim Irsay announced this week that he believes Manning will still suit up at some point this year it was obvious he may be more committed to the narcotically enhanced Beat Generation lifestyle than just paying $1M for the original scroll manuscript of Jack Kerouac's On The Road. Bringing back Manning prematurely on this 0-5 sinking ship is akin to the average, blue collar guy slapping a diamond ring on his wife after 5 kids and 30 years of marriage. Neither of you is going anywhere and it's time to accept the fact that "I'm fat, you're fat, I'll see ya around the kitchen" and save your assets for another day. See you in 2012 Peyton.
--The big news that isn't this week is that Tim Tebow is the new starter in Denver. It "isn't" news because Denver is on Bye, but many eyes will be focused on his performance at Miami next week. While we have mixed feelings about Tebow's chance for long-term success we do believe he should get a chance now rather than later.
Looking at a slate of starting QBs this week that includes Curtis Painter, Matt Moore, Rex Grossman and Colt McCoy is like taking in the exotic dancers at a Bayonne (NJ) strip club-you quickly become aware that there's just not enough hot ones to meet the demand. Now Tebow is no NFL passer right now, but who cares. Listening to Terry Bradshaw is often like trying to decipher the dialogue in an episode of Hillbilly Handfishing, but he does know QB technique and feels that over time Timmy T's elongated throwing motion can be corrected enough to make him a vertical threat. Until then we hope the Broncos staff let's him do what he does best which is improvise and run (injury threat be damned).
Sadly, however, we still have night sweats over our first round selection of Kordell Stewart at our Fantasy Draft in 1998. The year prior K-Stew ran for 11 TDs, threw for 21 and led the Steelers to a 13-3 record. The next he was asked to be something he wasn't, more of a pocket passer, and while he ran only slightly fewer times than the year before it was mostly in desperation as his rush TDs dropped to 2, his pass TDs to 11 and I ended with Tony Banks under center in a season that was no Fantasy.
HC John Fox is a safe distance from Bill Walsh, but here's hoping more creative minds prevail and Tebow's put in the best position to succeed based on his current array of talents because like a pregnant go-go dancer Brady Quinn is next up on the dance floor/depth chart.
Another Bronco fan swelling with pride over their young QB!--Quick Hits...I once said of QB Charlie Whitehurst that he's "bad, not Sofia Coppola in The Godfather III bad, but more like Keanu Reeves in, well, anything bad". Next week he gets the start for the injured Tavaris Jackson in Seattle and the thought of betting opportunities abounds...After throwing 25 TD vs. 6 Ints. last year Josh Feeeman's ratio stands at 3-6 already in 2011. Which reminds us of no one so much as David Garrard who was a miraculous 18-3 on 335 attempts in 2007 only to throw fewer TDs and 13 and 10 Ints. respectively in 2009/10. Today he sits home while Matt Moore prepares to start Monday for Miami a comparison that may not bode well for the much ballyhooed Tampa Renaissance...When former Colt D-lineman Artie Donovan sacked Detroit QB Bobby Layne to open the second half of a game in the late 50's he was hit with the overpowering smell of alcohol. Donovan immediately assumed the hard-living Layne "musta been out all night drinkin'" to which Layne replied, "what makes you think I didn't have a few at halftime." Amen brother and now on to the picks.
--Once in the 80's Fred of "Fred's Picks" on these pages lost 14 straight NBA games to the bookie. When he called up the next night he was told there were no NBA games scheduled, but there were lines on the NHL. Fred demurred, however, explaining, "NHL? What the Hell do I know about hockey!?" I offer this as background before delivering his pick of the day which is New Orleans at -6.5 (Record: 1-1 to date). As for my selections last week we were suckered in worse than the people who buy into those ads on the right-hand side of every sport site that guarantee "Amazing Muscle Growth In Older Men" above a picture of some geezer's head photo shopped on to a 25 year-old juiceheads body when we took Philadelphia over Buffalo. Fool me once shame on me, fool me twice...ah screw it, Philly -3 over what I still say is an overrated Redskins team. Throw in Baltimore -7 (John Harbaugh 3-0 ATS off a bye) and the Giants bouncing back at -3 over Buffalo.
Finally another well-endowed British girl...I mean who's even noticing the bad teeth?Please check out our advertisers at the top right and enjoy the games...Drunk at last, drunk at last, good God almighty I'm gettin' drunk at last.
Old school wrestling at "Crimson Mask" and "Seminal Sluts" titles, Erin Andrews at "Something In The Way She Says Gamecocks" and Lenny Dykstra at "Dumbest Guy In The Room"
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