Happy Sailors Dancing On A Sinking Ship

    For those who have sent along birthday wishes...thanks! And to answer the question no I do not get ripped off by having my birthday on December 25th. Years ago I came up with the plan of witholding my gift to anyone who does not give me two in return. Now if we could only get the NCAA to adopt this +1 approach, well...

Oh and before I forget...Happy Birthday to friggin' me...


    Funny how it always takes the school's annual Symphonic Holiday Concert to remind me just how many Oriental students we actually have enrolled. But hats off to them for finding time in their schedules between Forensics Club, Model U.N., AP Chemistry, Girl's Volleyball and re-taking the Driver's License test over and over. I guess it's true what they say...there's always room for cello.

    Plus for the students who asked here are my Top 6 reasons for not participating in our pre-break Pajama Day II: 6. My "slanket" was in the wash...5. I was previously told I could not "dress for the job I want"...4. Two words: Nocturnal Emission...3. I sleep in the nude and there'd have been no winners there...2. Minus the chip crumbs that was what I slept in the night before...and...1. I have enough trouble staying awake there the way it is.

    And lastly is there anyone more annoying than those Tailgating Guys in the Mobile 3G commercials who are on top of everything with their phones. What happened to the goal in life being to be left the f--- alone. Makes you long for the days of the old Joe Friday Dragnet rotary phone where when a girl gave you her number you'd have to weigh how attractive she was against how many 8's, 9's and 0's were in her number to decide whether it was worth calling her back. Or better yet the even older Andy Griffith two-handed phone where it was worthless calling those 976 sex lines because the girl would ask you to touch yourself and you'd have to rub up against a wall because you didn't have a hand free...oh right football, here we go...

CFB
--George Carlin used to say he didn't eat tomatoes because while they look nice on the outside when you bite into one inside it appears to be still in the larval stage...which is kinda how I view Rutgers HC Greg Schiano. There's no doubt Schiano has done yeoman's work in taking a program that many we're saying should drop down to the FCS level and turning it into a viable FBS team. And on the outside everything looks great what with brand new multi-million dollar facilities, strong recruiting and several minor bowl appearances. But on the inside, i.e. game day, things are not quite so rosy. Despite the successful records Jersey Greg has proven time and again to be a poor in-game coach who hasn't been able to get over the hump and break through to a top tier bowl despite having a lot of NFL level talent (check your favorite team's roster) in an extremely weak BCS conference.
    Nothing proves this better than his astounding 0-11 record versus West Virginia, the team to beat in the post Miami (FL)/Virginia Tech Big East. This year Rutgers not only succumbed to the Mountaineers again, but with the conference title still in reach may have delivered the signature loss of the Schiano era when they fell to then 4-6 Connecticut and retread coach Paul Pasqualoni 40-22 in their season finale.
   Which all brings us to our Bowl selections and "Fred's Picks" Early Bowl Lock-Iowa State +2 over Rutgers in the Dec. 30 Pinstripe Bowl. And while we're at it let's also give you the BeyondTheBets.com top Bowl Underdog plays of Iowa +14 over Oklahoma and Washington +9.5 over Baylor. In the former the Hawkeyes coach Kirk Ferentz is 7-2 ATS in Bowl Games including 5 outright wins in 7 games as a Dog and catches a banged up Sooner team that thought they'd be playing for the National Title before a late season swoon. As for the Huskies the key may be underrated HC Steve Sarkisian who in his brief tenure in the great Northwest has gone 5-0 SU/ATS in games in which he has had more than a week to prepare including a 19-7 upset of Nebraska as an 11.5 point Dog in their bowl last year.
    So to recap our Bowl plays so far are Iowa State +2 (Fred's Pick), Florida St. -3 (my pick), Washington +9.5 & Iowa +14 (BeyondTheBets) and Oklahoma State -4 (my pick). God Bless Us All...Everyone!

NFL
--The comedian Nick DiPaolo in discussing elderly women who opt for plastic surgery points out that if you're going to get your face tightened don't forget about the area below your chin lest you wind up with the forehead of a 16 year-old girl and the neck of Snapping Turtle. The NFL equivalent of this oversight appears to be the Chicago Bears.
    Now I'm no huge fan of Jay Cutler or Mike Martz but through the first 10 games of the season they were clicking well enough to combine with their Top 10/Brian Urlacher-lead defense to make Da Bears a serious Super Bowl contender. In all Chicago's O topped 30 points in 6 of 10 tries and their record stood at 7-3 before Cutler went down for the year. And this is where GM Jerry Angelo needed to go to work.
    You see unlike the nursery in Eric Clapton's apartment the window of opportunity in the NFL doesn't stay open forever (too soon?). With a huge decision/investment to be made concerning Matt Forte and Urlacher/Peppers not getting any younger Angelo needed to opt for more Botox or at least a cheap turtleneck to cover up the turkey-neck that is Caleb Hanie at QB and at least get the Bears to the Playoffs where maybe Cutler could be resurrected for one good run.
    It didn't happen and after close losses to the defense-less Raiders and the Tyler Palko-led Chiefs Marion Barber did his best Schleprock/Weeble impression as the unluckiest guy not to fall down at Denver and the pooch was screwed. Had Angelo swung a deal for Kyle Orton (he couldn't beat the Chiefs on the waiver wire) or trolled for a Seneca Wallace or some other competent place holder who knows what might have happened. Sunday night ex-Raider castoff Josh McCown starts against Green Bay and can pretty much not help but being an improvement, yet alas it appears the Atlanta and Detroit wins last week will have the Bears on the outside looking in. Another plastic surgery disaster that could make even Suzanne Somers sad.

Actually this might be the kid from Mask, I really didn't check it thoroughly...

--Two weeks ago people said we were on crack for picking the Seattle Seahawks to make the playoffs. First let me say I would never smoke anything that is named after a part of my ass and second it should be noted that Pete Carroll's crew currently stands at #7 in the NFC with the best chance to get to the Big Dance if Atlanta or Detroit stumble.
    The Falcons play Tampa Bay at home the final week so they're basically in, but the Lions may still have problems. First off they get the red-hot Chargers today at home before finishing at Green Bay. Neither of those are sure things even if last week's loss means the Pack rests their starters, as extreme cold and snow could still be an issue for the Dome-bound Detroiters. Meanwhile Seattle gets San Francisco today and Arizona in the finale. It's still a longshot that needs tiebreaker help, but hey the Lions have had exactly two kickers (Eddie Murray, Jason Hanson) in the last 31 years and if that could happen why the Hell not this?

 How old am I on this Birthday? Let's just say my first thought on seeing this picture was..."she's just asking for back problems".

--In a day of many big games the biggest may be the virtual playoff elimination matchup between the Jets and the Giants. A lot has been made in recent weeks of Tom Coughlin's abysmal 2nd half record with New York and certainly that is something to be considered. But remember the Giants did have a heckuva 2nd half run in winning the Super Bowl in 2007 and a quick perusal of their sked from November on this year indicates they may have an excuse for their recent troubles.
    Starting on 11/6 the Gi'nts faced N.E., S.F., Phi., N.O., G.B., Dal., Was. That's 5 division leaders among their 7 opponents and 2 of those games they won. On the other hand the Jets over this same period took on Buf. (twice), N.E., Den., Was., K.C., Phi. with wins coming only over the injury-riddled Bills, the Palko-led Chiefs and the Redskins. Of the three common opponents in those games (N.E., Phi., Was.) both the New Yorkers went 1-2 but the Giants were outscored only 44-60 while the Jets put up 69 points but were garretted for 101 against.
    It's hard to look worse than Eli and the Giants did last week, but Off The Marky Mark Sanchez and the Jets gave it a helluva try in Philly. Fred and I are off this one, but if you're inclined toward investing here keep the recent scheduling dichotomy in mind before plunging ahead.

--Fred's Pick is back to a normal font after last week's Jets play, but he still stands at a profitable 7-4-1 on the year. Today's advice is to go with the hot hand of Kyle (Don't Call Me Ol' Ace) Orton and the Chiefs at -2 over Oakland. And after a week off we're back on the bandwagon here. Orton finally gives the Chiefs a reasonable offensive prescence that even Matt Cassell didn't provide and the defense under Romeo Crennel has held division leaders Green Bay, Pittsburgh and Denver all under 20 points in recent weeks. Oakland's playoff hopes were crushed like Giles Corey at the Salem Witch Trials with Detroit's miracle comeback last week and now they must venture to Arrowhead Stadium a setting known league-wide for being more hostile than the Double Deuce bar in Roadhouse. K.C. pressured Aaron Rodgers into a mere 80.1 QB Rate last week. They should have even more success against an interception-prone Carson Palmer today. Good luck.

--According to BeyondTheBets today's top public plays are Carolina over Tampa, San Diego over Detroit and San Francisco over Seattle which to me is stunning in that Denver over Buffalo is not on that list. Has the public decided to pull a Jim Rockford and tuck and roll their way off the Tebow bandwagon after one loss? Versus a team on an 8 game, haven't even been close, losing streak? Even though Denver lost last week we were impressed that Tebow didn't go in the tank like the Detroit start, but played his game-passing a little, running for 93 yards and two TDs and putting up a reasonable 23 points. It was the defense that let them down, but against Tom Brady and the Pats that's to be expected. Denver is -2.5 in Buffalo and while we lean that way our official play will be the Seahawks +1 over the 49ers in Seattle. It's difficult to run on a Pete Carroll D and that's what S.F. wants to do. Additionally, the Niners have played only 3 road games in their last 8 winning once at John Beck's Washington against 2 losses. Add in an over-inflation in the public eye because of a Monday win over Pittsburgh in a game where Ben Roethlisberger was limping like he just had a 3 way with Bill Conlin and Jerry Sandusky and the Seahawks look like a hot team that is under the radar in this one. Finished...literally!

Seriously, why would you ever work...

Notes From A Big Pants Family (CFB Stuff)

   It's one of the many sad kicks in the crotch of my job to note that gorgeous, but obviously unattainable, 16 and 17 year old girls find me witty, sweet and intelligent. Attractive, age-appropriate women...not so much. Thus it was that I was asked this week if my classroom could be used for a meeting of the Senior Class Prom Planning Committee.
    Of course, the Prom is a full 7 and a half months away, but since scrapbooking, photoshop and digital photography have turned every parent into Martha Stewart meets Ansel Adams on crack, joy and spontaneity must be hung until dead at the tree of cold, calculated perfection.
    The only thing I remember about my own Senior Prom, aside from drinking a twelve pack in the woods and puking into a White Castle garbage can with the rest of the dateless "Grunge before there was Grunge" crowd, was the raging debate over the theme song. In those Classic Rock days this came down to a schoolwide vote between "Wonderful Tonight" by Eric Clapton and Joe Cocker's "You Are So Beautiful To Me" which for my money are two of the three nastiest songs ever written (Wonderful tonight? What was I yesterday?; Beautiful to you? What about the rest of the world?). So knowing I had about has much chance of attending this soiree as Hank Williams, Jr. does Al Franken's Sukkot I decided to write-in the absolute meannest song ever written..."I've Grown Accustomed To Your Face".
    And somewhere my former female classmates are blissfully unaware of the bullet they dodged.

--School Voting Postscript: I also take credit for leading the Senior "Liquid Lunch" Bunch in an attempt to get one-eyed "Looney" Lenny Morales into the Yearbook "Best Of" section by whiting out the "s" on the ballot thereby voting him "Nicest Eye_". Good times!

CFB NOTES
--Brevity is nice. I for one have a crockpot sitting dustily unused atop my refrigerator because as a single, childless, oft-inebriated male it's hard to envision what the future will hold even 10-12 hours in advance. Thus everytime I think about making that stew I immediately picture EMTs zipping my bloated corpse into a bodybag just as the baby carrots and pearl onions are simmering to perfection. That's why I'm a microwave guy where you can cook anything in an unbelievable fraction of the time with the exception of Minute Rice which no matter how fast you put it in and pull it out always winds up burnt. I bring this up because one exception to this rule is the sound bite-style of announcing popularized by John Madden that still has a foothold today. And my biggest complaint with these Madden-isms is one dusted off last week by ESPN Analyst Chris Spielman, namely, "don't throw a 3rd down pass short of the first down marker." Like any of these mini morsels there's a kernel of truth in there. You shouldn't throw short of the marker to a player who's running a stop-route or at the sidelines. However, you can throw, and often get a first down by throwing to, receivers running crossing patterns or misdirection plays like screens or shovel passes. So next time you hear this idiocy trotted out turn off the audio, do your own running commentary and maybe pop in a coupla Hot Pockets, it only takes two minutes for an entire meal.

--Because the FBS Division features 120 teams of wildly disparate talent it's easy for the polls to over-inflate a team with a soft schedule worse than Greenland on a wall map. The popular play in this vein today is Washington to hang with or possibly upset #7 Stanford. Indeed Stanford has not played a team yet with even close to a winning record and taking the 21 with the Huskies looks enticing. Still the Cardinal has crushed the squads they've faced handily and Washington's sked has featured only two decent teams, Nebraska whose inept offense hung 51 on them in Lincoln and Utah who lost their star QB to injury in the first half. Neither team has put up less than 30 in a game this season and while we know all about Andrew Luck U-Dub's Keith Price can also make big plays with both his arm and legs. If +21 looks like a trap to you then Over 63 may be the way to go in what looks to be a wild one and if Stanford does cover look for an even more inflated go against line in the coming weeks.

--One of our favorite analysts of all-time was legendary Arkansas coach Frank Broyles who worked for years alongside Keith Jackson at ABC. His best call in our opinion was the 1984 Sugar Bowl between #3 Auburn and #8 Michigan. Clearly overmatched by a talented Tiger team Bo Schembechler played every Wolverine defender within 3 yards of the line of scrimmage and dared Auburn HC Pat Dye, a man so conservative he makes Pat Buchanan look like an Occupy Wall Streeter, to pass. When Dye refused Broyles nearly burst the throbbing vein in his forehead while screaming through the marbles in his mouth, "pass, dammit, pass, Keith, why won't they pass?" Auburn eked out a 9-7 win that was so unimpressive that despite #1 Nebraska and #2 Texas being upset the Tigers were leapfrogged by Miami (FL) and gained no ground in the final polls. Twenty-seven years later the idea that one-dimensional teams can go only so far before their lack of balance is exposed is even more prevelant. Case in point is Michigan's loss to Michigan State last week and last night's fall of Rutgers to a mediocre Louisville club. These clubs beat up on weak sisters and defensively challenged opponents in their early games, but once faced with stout rush Ds on the road they withered. Neither club ran for 100 yards or better than 3.0 ypc and when their aerially-challenged QBs had to go vertical they produced less than 50% completions and a 2-4 ratio. Today Georgia Tech's option attack goes on the road to Miami (FL) a week after getting upset at Virginia in a game where their QB Tevin Washington was 2 of 8 for 24 yards and 2 INTs. The Hurricanes are playing better of late, though, their run defense was gashed by the pass deficient Ohio State for 174 yards earlier in the year. Our plays will be below, but this is worth a look at Miami (FL) -3 and a trend to follow in your "recreational" CFB prognosticating.

It's amazing any learning gets done at...oh does that say Arizona State?...never mind...

--Speaking of Michigan has anyone noticed that the turnaround there has coincided with not only the removal of Rich Rodrieguez as HC, but also that of the ultimate Coaching Hack's Hack DC Greg Robinson. Robinson's close ties to Pete Carroll from their days with the early '90s Jets have continually kept him employed as a DC in the pros or the upper levels of the NCAA despite not producing a decent defense since the late '90s in Denver. His 2003 D in K.C. did not get a single stop against Peyton Manning in the playoffs as the 13-3 Chiefs got bounced at home by the Colts despite putting up 31 points on offense. Last year the Wolverines D allowed over 450 yards per game and was gashed for 52 by what we now know was a very average Mississippi State team in their bowl game. Conversely this year under the competent Greg Mattison UM has shaved over 100 yards off their per game average and is all but assured of producing a better record than in either of Robinson's years in Ann Arbor.
   But even more inexplicable is how Syracuse allowed themselves to be be suckered into hiring G-Rob as their HC in 2005. Again the Pete Carroll connection came through as he persuaded 'Cuse AD and USC grad Darryl Gross into hiring his buddy. The Orange went 10-37 in 4 years under Robinson only to begin a remarkable resurgence under current HC Doug Marrone which culminated last night with their rout of #11 West Virginia at the Carrier Dome. Alas it appears Robinson's record of futility has forced him out the game at least for 2011, but keep an eye open for pointspread plays should the ol' boy network spit him out into a job of prominence in the future.

This post is running late, so here's one that really requires no reasoning or caption...

--On to the plays. The BCS rankings came out this past week and #1 according the computer rankings is Oklahoma State. Their ranking of #6 in the Harris and Coaches polls drops them to #4 overall, but something feels like they may have peaked. Today they go to Missouri, a generally tough place to play, and face a Tiger squad that stumbled early, but seems to have righted the ship with a good effort at Oklahoma and 52-17 rout of Iowa State last week. We'll try Mizzou +7 and how 'bout a pair of Overs since we get tired of whirling our arm in a circle like a referee indicating the clock should keep running when trying to root for the Under. So let's say the aforementioned Washington/Stanford Over 63.5 and SMU/Southern Miss Over 60. As always these selections are for the proverbial "sh*ts and giggles" and not an enticement to contact your "friends" in say the Netherland's Antilles. Enjoy the games!

First Of The Day...To Old D.H. Lawrence (CFB Notes)

    Monday is Columbus Day and in honor I was planning on spreading smallpox at the local Indian casino, but instead I am being forced to sit through a full day, 6-hour seminar on Differentiated Lesson Planning that just might kill me. And I don't mean the funny, ha-ha "kill" me, I mean my heart may literally stop beating.
    For the unaware, and I assume that's all non-teachers, Differentiated Education is the process of adapting lessons to meet the different learning styles of students. So first we must learn what these Student-nistas "styles" are and then we have to set up multiple lessons for each class that may include, but is not limited to, setting up a cassette tape for the auditory learners, a DVD for the visual learners and a construction project for the tactile learners. To which I believe Sounder novelist and renowned educator William H. Armstrong, who penned the highly praised, no-nonsense academic tome Study Is Hard Work, said "Balls!"
    At a similiar seminar last year we were told Differentiation is necessary because the U.S. continues to fall further behind nations of the Pacific Rim in academic achievement. However, when I asked if China, Japan or either of the Koreas incorporate this process in their curriculums I was told that this is not just about learning per se, but also about instilling self-esteem in each in every student. A concept which fails to address the oft-asked question, "if everyone has self-esteem who's gonna dance in the Strip Clubs and waitress at Hooters?"
    You know Dylan Thomas may have been on to something...I mean why wait for Monday when I can just drink myself to death right now?

    And in national news Glenn Rice's ex-old lady Sarah Palin decided not to seek the GOP nomination after "much praying". Though this fails to clarify whether it was hers' or ours'...but now on to something really important...

CFB

--After watching Penn State get blasted by Alabama and struggle past Temple and Indiana does anyone else get the feeling the whole Joe Paterno epoch there is not going to end well. Now I'm not saying that JoePa can't still coach. Three Top 10 finishes in the last 6 years is testament to that. It's more a question of what's going to happen after they drag his cold dead body off the practice field. I'm sure there's the facade of a plan in place, but unlike Barry Alvarez who stepped aside gracefully so the future could begin at Wisconsin this transfer of power looks like it could end up messier than post-Tito Yugoslavia.
    At this point Paterno is, I believe, 106 years old, wears glasses that could fry a bug on the sidewalk and has the posture of a jumbo shrimp. Due to injuries and illness he rarely graces the sidelines anymore and this year on gamedays he's spent more time in the booth than Adolph Eichmann (stop it, I'm no Hank Williams, Jr. see here http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Man_in_the_Glass_Booth). The bigger problem may be that while the Nittany Lions are organized, motivated and well prepared each week they often look frighteningly slow and unathletic as witnessed in the Bama beatdown. Though he's still an icon in the eyes of older generations one has to figure a JoePa recruiting visit to a 17 year-old blue chipper goes something like me buying a drink for a hot co-ed: acceptance, polite conversation and finally a "thanks but no thanks Gramps." What will be left and what will spin out of it when Penn State is forced to move on will be interesting we just hope that a great man's old age ego doesn't create a mess at one of our favorite programs.

What?...You were expecting Eichmann?

--Back in the day my friends and I would put on our Lynyrd Skynyrd Whiskey and Ramones Presidential Fitness Seal shirts and spend our time walking around the local mall where just past the ubiquitous Hot Sam's, Hoffritz Cutlery and Sam Goody's with the cardboard cutout of the waitress from Supertramp's "Breakfast America" lay Ed's Tropical Fish Store. The highlight of this establishment was a back corner where on one side sat a fenced off open-air terrarium that featured a snapping turtle with a good half dollar's worth of pennies on his back and on the other side was a large eel-like fish in a tiny tank named "Crazy Joe".
    According to the card pasted on the tank C-Joe could swim at amazing speeds, swallow babies whole and break a man's back with the swipe of his tail. At first this seemed impressive, but after watching him turn one way and then back again while tiny goldfish swam with impunity around him it dawned on us that a big fish in a little pond is ultimately boring.
    Which in the most roundabout way we could come up with brings us to Boise State. Even without the baseball playoffs there was little reason to watch the Broncos vs. Fresno State last night and the resultant 57-7 crushing proved why. At first Boise was a fun story, but the complete and utter lack of competition they face on a weekly basis has made it boring. Like watching the Yankees grind through a month's worth of series versus the Orioles, Mariners and Royals one wants to scream, "can we just start the postseason already". But there in lies another problem since without a playoff system BSU's whole season boils down to one performance and that should not a National Champion make.
   What we'd like to see is Boise in, say, the SEC where they could face a run of Florida/Tennessee/Auburn/Alabama like current #1 LSU is doing this month. If the Tigers can run that gauntlet without it's perils of letdowns and key injuries taking them down they deserve all the accolades they get. If/When the Broncs survive their concurrent run of Fresno/Colorado St./Air Force/UNLV it'll just be another lazy turn in the fish tank and if you need me I'll be checking out the latest Bad Company album two stores down.

--Today Steve Spurrier will bench QB Stephen Garcia in favor of Connor Shaw who started Week 1 and went 3 of 9 for 21 yards before being demoted. This season the Gamecocks offensive production has shrunk faster than Julie Bowen's rack having scored in order 56, 45, 24, 21 and 13 points. That Steve Spurrier has not been able to develop a single quality QB in 7 years in Columbia is a mystery on par with whatever happened to The Monroes ("All the People Tell Me So"?...never mind). Fortunately the 'Cocks have a killer D that can get them past Kentucky and Mississippi State the next two weeks, but then a stretch of Tennessee, Arkansas, Florida and Clemson over 5 weeks could have the faithful screaming for the Ol' Ball Coaches visor in short order. Keep an eye out for go against opportunities.

'Cocks, the tatoo, its placement, the thong...I'm too hungover so this joke comes with some assembly required.

--In the late '60's drummer Pete Best whipped out the biggest balls this side of the Elephant Man's and released an album coyly titled "Best of the Beatles" with him innocuously posing alongside John, Paul and George on the cover. When consumers got home and popped it on their turntables they were treated to the biggest screwjob until folks, like me, took Tulsa laying 21 to North Texas last week. Going in this looked like a great play with the fact that the potent Golden Hurricane had lost to Oklahoma, Oklahoma State and Boise State in a 1-3 start helping to keep the line down. At 41-3 Tulsa in the 4th Quarter this looked like a lock, but in the most painful backdoor since my trip to Fire Island NT scored 21 unanswered points, the last 7 coming on a 26 yard TD pass with 14 seconds remaining to make sure any progeny I may produce (don't worry) will have fun filling out Community College applications in the future.

--Finally our picks last week split. Michigan State dominated, but the support of Virginia Tech produced our most devastating loss since a girlfriend talked me into working for the Mondale campaign in '84 (yes, my life often parallels Richie Cunningham). Now after dipping our toe in the water the first few weeks we were going to go full-on cannonball into the pool this week but instead let's just try Rutgers/Pitt Under 52.5 and West Virginia -20 and if you do back these...for the love of God go lightly.

NFL Notes up tomorrow A.M. with Tony Romo mocking. Plus bounce around here for humorous old school wrestling profiles, Rex Ryan joking, Mets hilarity, the women of ESPN ("Something In The Way She Says Gamecocks") and Lenny Dykstra bashing ("The Dumbest Guy In The Room"). Love you crazy kids.

A Bad Liver And Some Random Thoughts

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