My Medically Correct Weight If I Was 8' 6"

    Back in the heady days when I was a student my High School had a Smoking Lounge/Bathroom...for the students! Within which resided a revolving door of potheads and misfits puffing their brains out in front of a wall graffiitt-ed with "Peace, Pot, Microdot" and the 3-foot tall school Disciplinarian mocking phrase "WADDON SUCKS" amidst a room so heavy with Marlboro smoke you could get Emphyzema taking a piss while a seemingly continous loop of Neil Young's "Sugar Mountain" droned on in the background.
    And NO ONE cared!
    Today if you bring so much as an airplane bag of peanuts into your room at least three kids' heads will swell up like wedding dicks and a Hazmat Unit in Chernobyl suits will be called in to secure the area while the rest of the class is ushered to the nurse's office for a Silkwood Shower that could make the Freedom Marchers of Selma, Alabama look like kids playing in a sprinkler.
    OK, maybe I'm a little over-annoyed for just having to sit through a 45 minute video on "The Peanut and Peanut Borne Illness", but it may be time for less "No Child Less Behind" and more Eugenics because, mark my words, they could put up all the metal detectors they want to keep guns outta school only to see the next Columbine be a kid with a dozen PayDay bars holding an entire cafeteria hostage. George Washington Carver never saw this coming.

Well, I guess that's better than on your chin...right?

CFB NOTES
--We warned you about Kansas State, touted Oregon over Stanford last week and though we were a week early on Okie State the payoff came last night so this week's overrated team du jour is...Houston. With Boise State vanquished by last week's loss to TCU and QB Case Keenum putting up record smashing numbers the Cougars have become everyone's BCS Busting Baby as the only undefeated team in the land outside of LSU.
    Still the Cougars are currently ranked 11th in the BCS Poll and with good reason. According to the two best Strength of Schedule rating systems we could find UH's sked is ranked 117th by the Fremeau Efficiency Rating and a dead last 120 out of 120 at College Football Reference. A lineup of opponents so soft it could make Gerry Cooney consider a comeback.
    First off there are only 3 other teams in Conference USA with above .500 records and Houston has played exactly none of them. Their toughest opponent to date is either UCLA or Louisiana Tech. After beating those two by 4 and 1 point respectively early in the year the Cougars were no big deal, but then Keenum and the offense went off like Michael Richards at an NAACP benefit scoring 56/63/73/56/73 in a five game stretch while undefeateds Oklahoma, Stanford, Alabama, Clemson, Boise and now Oklahoma State were falling.
    What's been ignored is that those blowouts were against a quintuplet of teams that are a combined 17-36 and only one game, vs. UAB, was outdoors on the road which is always the true barometer for a Dome team. Additionally in that UAB game the Blazers were within a TD as late as mid third quarter and UH only topped 50 points by virtue of a 54 yard INT return in the 4th quarter.
    With two more wins and a coupla stumbles in front of them the BCS dream is still in reach. The problem is that they close with two of those plus .500 CUSA squads. Today they're -20.5 at home to SMU, a club that owns a win at TCU, but has struggled lately losing three of four including their last to Navy. If that's not to your liking root for the UH blowout because they'll be at one of our pointspread faves, Tulsa, on Black Friday, and the Golden Hurricane could end up a bigger bargain than all the DoorBusters Walmart and Target has to offer. Monitor the situation.

--The comedian Louis C.K. explains his often pained expression as deriving from the fact that his lifelong poor dietary habits have left him pepetually within a 48 hour window of diarrhea. We believe a former Heisman Trophy winner and coaching giant like Steve Spurrier has eaten better in his lifetime, but to watch his face on the sidelines weekly it appears something's percolating in his loins.
    Now we're no Doctors, but it would appear the root of this problem lies in South Carolina's QB play. At Florida Visor Steve was able to turn the mediocre likes of Shane Matthews, Danny Wuerffel, Jesse Palmer and Rex Grossman into Heisman Trophy candidates, but at USC it's been no such Luck (for future reference the bad pun is always intended). The main trio of Gamecock QBs under Spurrier, Blake Mitchell/Chris Smelley/StephenGarcia, is hardly gonna make anyone forget "Slingin'" Sammy Baugh or even ex-LPGA hottie Laura Baugh for that matter.
Once drank herself into a state of "spontaneous bleeding" according to her Autobiography and looks like this? ...Where has she been all my life?

But what's even more disturbing is that under this once great QB Guru each of these helmsman has actually gotten worse with their TD/INT ratios consistently going in the wrong direction: Mitchell 17/12, 10/6, 10/9; Smelley 9/7, 14/15; Garcia 17/10, 24/14, 4/9. Additionally, the fact that S.C. has produced some of it's all-time best defenses during Spurrier's 7 year run yet never had a season with less than 5 losses seems a bigger waste than Markie Post's boobs on Night Court.
    What this all means were not really sure. But these are not your Father's Steve Spurrier squads and it appears they never will be which is too bad for an insanely rabid fan base that's still looking for that one National Championship run.

--In a quick note if you're thinking of changing your Fantasy Football team name midseason I've already alerted ESPN and CBS Sportsline that I've trademarked the monicker "Showering With Sandusky". But for readers here leave a comment below and I'll Grandfather you in (again bad pun...intended).

--And speaking of the Penn State affair did anyone else get the creepy feeling while Sandusky was being interviewed by the tiny, boyish Bob Costas that at any moment Chris Hansen from Dateline was gonna pop out from around the corner?

--Alabama plays FCS team Georgia Southern today so is, unfortunately, off TV. Not that we're Crimson fans, but since the LSU game we've become addicted to superfluous shots of those UA Baton Girls who  seem to use enough peroxide to burn a new Fontanelle in their skulls. So for all you latent perverts...and we assume that's everyone who managed to get this far...here's a quicky to Tide you over...

Taking in the entirety of this picture it's easy to see who belongs to Pi Delta Pi and who belongs to the Omega Moos...those are real sororities right?

--We pushed last week with Nebraska who squandered a 17-0 lead, but held on 17-14. That's annoying, but not as bad as those big faves that win outright, but don't cover. Hey, if I'm miserable they should be too has always been my thinking. We've been confused and scattershot with out College picks this year, but we have noticed that sometimes we're a week too soon with our analysis. We lost with Tulsa then saw them reel off 5 straight covers, were a game too early with our Oklahoma State defense collapse and so on. So in a confusing card and through a fog of student induced phlegm we're gonna say Penn State is emotionally drained after trying to win one for JoePa last week (they planned to walk the game ball to his house afterwards) and we'll back an improved Ohio State (loss to Purdue last week notwithstanding) at -6.5. We're still a little wired on Natty Ice and Nyquil so you might want to venture your money conservatively, but either way enjoy the games!!

The ubiquitous Hottie 'O The Day...There's so many of these women on the Internet I'm literally thinking of hiring the Squegee Guy from the exit ramp near Yankee Stadium to stand next to my computer screen.

First Of The Day...To Old D.H. Lawrence (CFB Notes)

    Monday is Columbus Day and in honor I was planning on spreading smallpox at the local Indian casino, but instead I am being forced to sit through a full day, 6-hour seminar on Differentiated Lesson Planning that just might kill me. And I don't mean the funny, ha-ha "kill" me, I mean my heart may literally stop beating.
    For the unaware, and I assume that's all non-teachers, Differentiated Education is the process of adapting lessons to meet the different learning styles of students. So first we must learn what these Student-nistas "styles" are and then we have to set up multiple lessons for each class that may include, but is not limited to, setting up a cassette tape for the auditory learners, a DVD for the visual learners and a construction project for the tactile learners. To which I believe Sounder novelist and renowned educator William H. Armstrong, who penned the highly praised, no-nonsense academic tome Study Is Hard Work, said "Balls!"
    At a similiar seminar last year we were told Differentiation is necessary because the U.S. continues to fall further behind nations of the Pacific Rim in academic achievement. However, when I asked if China, Japan or either of the Koreas incorporate this process in their curriculums I was told that this is not just about learning per se, but also about instilling self-esteem in each in every student. A concept which fails to address the oft-asked question, "if everyone has self-esteem who's gonna dance in the Strip Clubs and waitress at Hooters?"
    You know Dylan Thomas may have been on to something...I mean why wait for Monday when I can just drink myself to death right now?

    And in national news Glenn Rice's ex-old lady Sarah Palin decided not to seek the GOP nomination after "much praying". Though this fails to clarify whether it was hers' or ours'...but now on to something really important...

CFB

--After watching Penn State get blasted by Alabama and struggle past Temple and Indiana does anyone else get the feeling the whole Joe Paterno epoch there is not going to end well. Now I'm not saying that JoePa can't still coach. Three Top 10 finishes in the last 6 years is testament to that. It's more a question of what's going to happen after they drag his cold dead body off the practice field. I'm sure there's the facade of a plan in place, but unlike Barry Alvarez who stepped aside gracefully so the future could begin at Wisconsin this transfer of power looks like it could end up messier than post-Tito Yugoslavia.
    At this point Paterno is, I believe, 106 years old, wears glasses that could fry a bug on the sidewalk and has the posture of a jumbo shrimp. Due to injuries and illness he rarely graces the sidelines anymore and this year on gamedays he's spent more time in the booth than Adolph Eichmann (stop it, I'm no Hank Williams, Jr. see here http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Man_in_the_Glass_Booth). The bigger problem may be that while the Nittany Lions are organized, motivated and well prepared each week they often look frighteningly slow and unathletic as witnessed in the Bama beatdown. Though he's still an icon in the eyes of older generations one has to figure a JoePa recruiting visit to a 17 year-old blue chipper goes something like me buying a drink for a hot co-ed: acceptance, polite conversation and finally a "thanks but no thanks Gramps." What will be left and what will spin out of it when Penn State is forced to move on will be interesting we just hope that a great man's old age ego doesn't create a mess at one of our favorite programs.

What?...You were expecting Eichmann?

--Back in the day my friends and I would put on our Lynyrd Skynyrd Whiskey and Ramones Presidential Fitness Seal shirts and spend our time walking around the local mall where just past the ubiquitous Hot Sam's, Hoffritz Cutlery and Sam Goody's with the cardboard cutout of the waitress from Supertramp's "Breakfast America" lay Ed's Tropical Fish Store. The highlight of this establishment was a back corner where on one side sat a fenced off open-air terrarium that featured a snapping turtle with a good half dollar's worth of pennies on his back and on the other side was a large eel-like fish in a tiny tank named "Crazy Joe".
    According to the card pasted on the tank C-Joe could swim at amazing speeds, swallow babies whole and break a man's back with the swipe of his tail. At first this seemed impressive, but after watching him turn one way and then back again while tiny goldfish swam with impunity around him it dawned on us that a big fish in a little pond is ultimately boring.
    Which in the most roundabout way we could come up with brings us to Boise State. Even without the baseball playoffs there was little reason to watch the Broncos vs. Fresno State last night and the resultant 57-7 crushing proved why. At first Boise was a fun story, but the complete and utter lack of competition they face on a weekly basis has made it boring. Like watching the Yankees grind through a month's worth of series versus the Orioles, Mariners and Royals one wants to scream, "can we just start the postseason already". But there in lies another problem since without a playoff system BSU's whole season boils down to one performance and that should not a National Champion make.
   What we'd like to see is Boise in, say, the SEC where they could face a run of Florida/Tennessee/Auburn/Alabama like current #1 LSU is doing this month. If the Tigers can run that gauntlet without it's perils of letdowns and key injuries taking them down they deserve all the accolades they get. If/When the Broncs survive their concurrent run of Fresno/Colorado St./Air Force/UNLV it'll just be another lazy turn in the fish tank and if you need me I'll be checking out the latest Bad Company album two stores down.

--Today Steve Spurrier will bench QB Stephen Garcia in favor of Connor Shaw who started Week 1 and went 3 of 9 for 21 yards before being demoted. This season the Gamecocks offensive production has shrunk faster than Julie Bowen's rack having scored in order 56, 45, 24, 21 and 13 points. That Steve Spurrier has not been able to develop a single quality QB in 7 years in Columbia is a mystery on par with whatever happened to The Monroes ("All the People Tell Me So"?...never mind). Fortunately the 'Cocks have a killer D that can get them past Kentucky and Mississippi State the next two weeks, but then a stretch of Tennessee, Arkansas, Florida and Clemson over 5 weeks could have the faithful screaming for the Ol' Ball Coaches visor in short order. Keep an eye out for go against opportunities.

'Cocks, the tatoo, its placement, the thong...I'm too hungover so this joke comes with some assembly required.

--In the late '60's drummer Pete Best whipped out the biggest balls this side of the Elephant Man's and released an album coyly titled "Best of the Beatles" with him innocuously posing alongside John, Paul and George on the cover. When consumers got home and popped it on their turntables they were treated to the biggest screwjob until folks, like me, took Tulsa laying 21 to North Texas last week. Going in this looked like a great play with the fact that the potent Golden Hurricane had lost to Oklahoma, Oklahoma State and Boise State in a 1-3 start helping to keep the line down. At 41-3 Tulsa in the 4th Quarter this looked like a lock, but in the most painful backdoor since my trip to Fire Island NT scored 21 unanswered points, the last 7 coming on a 26 yard TD pass with 14 seconds remaining to make sure any progeny I may produce (don't worry) will have fun filling out Community College applications in the future.

--Finally our picks last week split. Michigan State dominated, but the support of Virginia Tech produced our most devastating loss since a girlfriend talked me into working for the Mondale campaign in '84 (yes, my life often parallels Richie Cunningham). Now after dipping our toe in the water the first few weeks we were going to go full-on cannonball into the pool this week but instead let's just try Rutgers/Pitt Under 52.5 and West Virginia -20 and if you do back these...for the love of God go lightly.

NFL Notes up tomorrow A.M. with Tony Romo mocking. Plus bounce around here for humorous old school wrestling profiles, Rex Ryan joking, Mets hilarity, the women of ESPN ("Something In The Way She Says Gamecocks") and Lenny Dykstra bashing ("The Dumbest Guy In The Room"). Love you crazy kids.