And NO ONE cared!
Today if you bring so much as an airplane bag of peanuts into your room at least three kids' heads will swell up like wedding dicks and a Hazmat Unit in Chernobyl suits will be called in to secure the area while the rest of the class is ushered to the nurse's office for a Silkwood Shower that could make the Freedom Marchers of Selma, Alabama look like kids playing in a sprinkler.
OK, maybe I'm a little over-annoyed for just having to sit through a 45 minute video on "The Peanut and Peanut Borne Illness", but it may be time for less "No Child Less Behind" and more Eugenics because, mark my words, they could put up all the metal detectors they want to keep guns outta school only to see the next Columbine be a kid with a dozen PayDay bars holding an entire cafeteria hostage. George Washington Carver never saw this coming.
Well, I guess that's better than on your chin...right?CFB NOTES
--We warned you about Kansas State, touted Oregon over Stanford last week and though we were a week early on Okie State the payoff came last night so this week's overrated team du jour is...Houston. With Boise State vanquished by last week's loss to TCU and QB Case Keenum putting up record smashing numbers the Cougars have become everyone's BCS Busting Baby as the only undefeated team in the land outside of LSU.
Still the Cougars are currently ranked 11th in the BCS Poll and with good reason. According to the two best Strength of Schedule rating systems we could find UH's sked is ranked 117th by the Fremeau Efficiency Rating and a dead last 120 out of 120 at College Football Reference. A lineup of opponents so soft it could make Gerry Cooney consider a comeback.
First off there are only 3 other teams in Conference USA with above .500 records and Houston has played exactly none of them. Their toughest opponent to date is either UCLA or Louisiana Tech. After beating those two by 4 and 1 point respectively early in the year the Cougars were no big deal, but then Keenum and the offense went off like Michael Richards at an NAACP benefit scoring 56/63/73/56/73 in a five game stretch while undefeateds Oklahoma, Stanford, Alabama, Clemson, Boise and now Oklahoma State were falling.
What's been ignored is that those blowouts were against a quintuplet of teams that are a combined 17-36 and only one game, vs. UAB, was outdoors on the road which is always the true barometer for a Dome team. Additionally in that UAB game the Blazers were within a TD as late as mid third quarter and UH only topped 50 points by virtue of a 54 yard INT return in the 4th quarter.
With two more wins and a coupla stumbles in front of them the BCS dream is still in reach. The problem is that they close with two of those plus .500 CUSA squads. Today they're -20.5 at home to SMU, a club that owns a win at TCU, but has struggled lately losing three of four including their last to Navy. If that's not to your liking root for the UH blowout because they'll be at one of our pointspread faves, Tulsa, on Black Friday, and the Golden Hurricane could end up a bigger bargain than all the DoorBusters Walmart and Target has to offer. Monitor the situation.
--The comedian Louis C.K. explains his often pained expression as deriving from the fact that his lifelong poor dietary habits have left him pepetually within a 48 hour window of diarrhea. We believe a former Heisman Trophy winner and coaching giant like Steve Spurrier has eaten better in his lifetime, but to watch his face on the sidelines weekly it appears something's percolating in his loins.
Now we're no Doctors, but it would appear the root of this problem lies in South Carolina's QB play. At Florida Visor Steve was able to turn the mediocre likes of Shane Matthews, Danny Wuerffel, Jesse Palmer and Rex Grossman into Heisman Trophy candidates, but at USC it's been no such Luck (for future reference the bad pun is always intended). The main trio of Gamecock QBs under Spurrier, Blake Mitchell/Chris Smelley/StephenGarcia, is hardly gonna make anyone forget "Slingin'" Sammy Baugh or even ex-LPGA hottie Laura Baugh for that matter.
But what's even more disturbing is that under this once great QB Guru each of these helmsman has actually gotten worse with their TD/INT ratios consistently going in the wrong direction: Mitchell 17/12, 10/6, 10/9; Smelley 9/7, 14/15; Garcia 17/10, 24/14, 4/9. Additionally, the fact that S.C. has produced some of it's all-time best defenses during Spurrier's 7 year run yet never had a season with less than 5 losses seems a bigger waste than Markie Post's boobs on Night Court.
What this all means were not really sure. But these are not your Father's Steve Spurrier squads and it appears they never will be which is too bad for an insanely rabid fan base that's still looking for that one National Championship run.
--In a quick note if you're thinking of changing your Fantasy Football team name midseason I've already alerted ESPN and CBS Sportsline that I've trademarked the monicker "Showering With Sandusky". But for readers here leave a comment below and I'll Grandfather you in (again bad pun...intended).
--And speaking of the Penn State affair did anyone else get the creepy feeling while Sandusky was being interviewed by the tiny, boyish Bob Costas that at any moment Chris Hansen from Dateline was gonna pop out from around the corner?
--Alabama plays FCS team Georgia Southern today so is, unfortunately, off TV. Not that we're Crimson fans, but since the LSU game we've become addicted to superfluous shots of those UA Baton Girls who seem to use enough peroxide to burn a new Fontanelle in their skulls. So for all you latent perverts...and we assume that's everyone who managed to get this far...here's a quicky to Tide you over...
Taking in the entirety of this picture it's easy to see who belongs to Pi Delta Pi and who belongs to the Omega Moos...those are real sororities right?--We pushed last week with Nebraska who squandered a 17-0 lead, but held on 17-14. That's annoying, but not as bad as those big faves that win outright, but don't cover. Hey, if I'm miserable they should be too has always been my thinking. We've been confused and scattershot with out College picks this year, but we have noticed that sometimes we're a week too soon with our analysis. We lost with Tulsa then saw them reel off 5 straight covers, were a game too early with our Oklahoma State defense collapse and so on. So in a confusing card and through a fog of student induced phlegm we're gonna say Penn State is emotionally drained after trying to win one for JoePa last week (they planned to walk the game ball to his house afterwards) and we'll back an improved Ohio State (loss to Purdue last week notwithstanding) at -6.5. We're still a little wired on Natty Ice and Nyquil so you might want to venture your money conservatively, but either way enjoy the games!!
The ubiquitous Hottie 'O The Day...There's so many of these women on the Internet I'm literally thinking of hiring the Squegee Guy from the exit ramp near Yankee Stadium to stand next to my computer screen.
