--So Kris Humphries claims Kim Kardashian's divorce filing came "out of the blue". Apparently he only uses the self-checkout and not the regular supermarket cashier lanes, I guess. And speaking of which have the women on the cover of Prevention magazine gotten hotter or am I really that old?
--Fact is the Kardashian/Humphries psuedo-nuptials raked in about $17M bucks yet barely lasted as long as the drum solo from "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida". So can we begin to stop with the elaborate weddings already. I've always viewed this like celebrating the victory before the game is played. Accomplish something first then throw your god-damned party. Wanna celebrate a Hollywood coupling how 'bout televising the 75th anniversary of Abe Vigoda and whatever dust queefing bag of bones he's been banging since the Truman Administration...Now there's a women who deserves a party.
--And lastly (I promise) enough with Kris Jenner trying to defend her daughter. The latest lament of how the press should mind their own business from a woman who stars on a show called Keeping Up With The Kardashians features her claiming Kim is not a Gold Digger and is "as comfortable shopping at Walmart as she is on Rodeo Drive." Yeah right...or to paraphrase Jim Florentine from VH1's That Metal Show, "I've been to several Walmarts and seen a lot of women with fat asses, but none of 'em looked like Kim Kardashian."
CFB NOTES
--I was once reprimanded by school administration after a student went home and told his parents that I was against wearing a seatbelt when driving because in the event of an accident I preferred to be "thrown clear". Since then I've always been sure to preface these slice of so-called Life sharing sessions with the caveat that kids should "do as I say and not as I do." On these pages, however, I thought my inelegantly, ignoble intent was clear: jokes/bad puns first, mammarian-ly magnified women second and selections, time permitting, third. Unfortunately fury over last week's 0-3 NCAA picking performance shows I may have underestimated people's desire to follow anyone with internet access and an opinion. So for last week's gridiron gambling gashing I apologize...not for the choices, but for not being more strenuous in my disclaimers.
That said I honestly believe there is plenty of useful handicapping advice herein. Overall our selections on the NFL/CFB are at exactly .500, but those who read between the lines and cull the occasional coherence from our analysis stand to be the big victors...though, really, you're all winners in my book (wait, am I still drunk from last night?).
As we mentioned in a previous NFL post we tend to theorize with the best of 'em, but when it comes time for the money to go down we have trouble sticking to our guns and silencing the outside noise. Case in point is last week where we analyzed the living Hell out of an overrated Kansas State team, bt then did not select Oklahoma because of public concern over their mental state following the Texas Tech loss. Similarly, we've been touting Tulsa for weeks (and threw a "lean" out on them last week), but after narrowly missing a play on them over UAB in a game they thoroughly dominated we jumped ship before they covered 3 straight (vs. Rice, SMU, UCF) against the spread instead deciding to hedge our bets with a Totals play in their game last week that, as a colleague recently told me of his marriage, was "not pretty guy."
So in the future if you see some excellent analysis not followed up by a selection on said squad feel free to recall the "do as he says, not as he does" mantra and go your own way. And as for not wearing a seatbelt just think next time you see an accident resulting in a car fire...who's safer now, huh!
Hopefully this eases the pain of that Arizona loser last week...--The Mid-American Conference West Division Title was all but wrapped up this week in a style befitting such a prestigious pigskin pursuit...on a Tuesday night, deep in the Rust Belt, before a handful of freezing fans in a tiny stadium that forced ESPN camera positioning so odd that the whole contest appeared as if it was being conducted inside The Riddler's lair on an episode of the old Batman TV series. Northern Illinois was the victor over Toledo by a score, 63-60, that left my head spinning worse than the first time I heard "Hocus Pocus" by Focus and could only think...Is this Dutch?...oh it was...well that clears that up.
But I only bring this up because the victory almost certainly sets into motion the "Jinx of Northern Illinois" which I proudly uncovered in one of this sites first posts 'lo those many years ago. You see the Huskies have been to six bowls in their history and three are now dead including the California Raisin Bowl, the International Bowl and the Silicon Valley Bowl in which their matchup vs. tiny Troy of the Sun Belt in San Jose, California drew less fans than Casey Anthony did Trick-or-Treaters. Now word comes that Northern Illinois' last bowl stop, the 2010 Humanitarian Bowl, has tried to deny the postseason Reaper by changing it's name to the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl. So look out Beef 'O' Brady Restaurants, Carrier Air Conditioners, San Diego Credit Union, something called AdvoCare, Franklin American Mortgage and Hyundai Motors because Northern Illinois will be bowling again this year...and with conference tie-ins strangling your choices they may just be gunning for you.
And yes those are all names of 2011 Bowl games...what a classy time to be alive!
--To me the difference has always been negligible between wagering on the Kentucky Derby or a $2500 claimer at Freehold Raceway (open 3 days a week on the circle at Route 9 in lovely Freehold, N.J.). In fact most times I'd just rather watch the big event and wager on the inconsequential affair since the excitement of the former can stand on it's own, but the latter needs a little something in the way of rooting interest to enhance the ambiance of standing between two drunks and an old guy in a scooter watching something less than bastions of the equine form try to outrun the Elmer's truck. Nonetheless as the fringiest of fringe pundits I guess even I'm obliged at this point to offer an opinion on today's big matchup, Alabama-LSU.
Early in the week my first blush was to support the senior QBed Tigers who have wins over a similiar slate of SEC teams plus non-conference triumphs over the ranked duo of Oregon and West Virginia. However, further study has revealed that while Tide QB A.J. McCarron is only a sophmore he has acquitted himself at least equally as well as his more veteran counterpart Jarrett Lee statically speaking. In addition Bama has faced two solid early season challenges in Penn State on the road and Arkansas at home and came away with dominant wins in both. And while the Mountaineers and Ducks are seemingly bigger obstacles than the Nittany Lions and Razorbacks the fact is that LSU was dominated on the stat sheet in their efforts, even allowing 533 yards to West Virginia, and only shook off the pair in the second half due to a huge turnover advantage, something Nick Saban coached Tide teams tend to avoid.
Presently the line is at Alabama -5. They are home, but that still appears to be a lot for #2 to lay to a dominant #1. We've talked about traps the last two weeks. Of how decent teams like Washington and Kansas State getting big points seemed too good to be true only to see them get crushed SU and ATS. This doesn't seem quite as egregious still with the number easily up over a FG and approaching two FGs in some places it could find the squares coming down on the side of the Tigers. So our tepid opinion would be to Roll with the Tide, but our official play(s) will be below and we may just take a flier on Louisiana-Lafayette if their being televised today. Either way enjoy tonight's showdown.
I agree...LSU, my ass!--The New York raised, Italian-American comedian Dom Irrea used to say that his relatives were the foremost proponents of the "qualifying statement". A phrase that supposedly precluded you from taking any offense with what they were about to say, as in "Don't take this the wrong way...but you're sister is a whore...whoa, whoa I told you not to take it the wrong way."
Similiarly when word got out almost two weeks ago that Georgia's top 3 RBs, Isahiah Crowell, Carlton Thomas and Ken Malcome, had failed drug tests HC Mark Richt and the Bulldog Athletic Director Greg McGarity fell back on their own qualifying statement, "Ongoing Investigation".
Apparently that "investigation" was being conducted right up and through Georgia's big SEC East showdown with Florida, thereby leaving the THC Trio eligible, and was miraculously concluded first thing Monday morning thus causing the players to be suspended for this week's game versus...New Mexico State.
Ah Richt and McGarity. They're like the Rizzoli & Isles of the NCAA and New Mexico State the equivalent of 5 minutes to go before the top of the hour. It's amazing how everything winds up in such a timely manner.
I've been performing my own "backdoor" investigation into the Georgia program...so to speak.--Picks and I'm through. Since we've been faring much better on the pros we'll make one selection and go with our analysis. That is the idea that teams that have their heart ripped out in last second losses have trouble going on the road and finding the energy to play at their usual level. See Wisconsin at Ohio State last week after the bitter Hail Mary loss to Michigan State the week before. Under the radar Duke got reamed by a similiar late game long pass vs. in-state rival Wake Forest two weeks back. They managed to hang with Virginia Tech at home last week, but now travel to a rejuvenated Miami (FL). We'll take the 'Canes -15.5 and wait for a strong pro play or two tomorrow. Beer me!
Other weekly football cynicism can be found in the titles along the right. Also see "Something In The Way She Says Gamecocks" for Erin Andrews, Sara Walsh and the Babes of ESPN. Plus old school wrestling fun at the "Crimson Mask" and "Seminal Sluts" titles. Or just bounce around like Bluto sain Animal House, "don't cost nuthin'"
