Many, many computer problems later here they are...This may be the last week...Enjoy.
SIDES (24-19): Tennessee +10.0; Buffalo -1.5; Tampa Bay +3.0
TOTALS (36-23-2): Dal./Jac. Over 45.0; Den./Oak. Under 50.5; Mia./Det. Over 43.0
Dear God...
Showing posts with label Alabama. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Alabama. Show all posts
Sunday, November 9, 2014
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Life...You'd Think It Caught Me Sleeping With Its Wife
Wow, Thanksgiving...a whole day of eating, drinking and football. Hell if it wasn't for all that giving thanks crap it would be perfect. But now, for the last weekly CFB post of the year, I return to my usual miserable, ungrateful self...ah, that just feels right.
And as for those people who asked if I had a good Thanksgiving I can barely drag my cream cheese white ass off the couch to do things with my friends-people I choose to be with. What makes you think I'd enjoy spending time with my family?
Then again it's always nice to hear stories about how my Great-Grandfather had his own business as a Cooper-gee, thanks for that legacy...were all the Buggy Whip franchises taken? Or to sit around with enough Gin Blossoms to start a Clown College and be regaled with stories of the old AFL, a league which NFL Films has taught me never saw a no-look, over the shoulder lateral they wouldn't throw and often played their games accompanied by the soundtrack from The Benny Hill Show for some reason. But now let's bring this pile of penurious puns and busty bimbos to a close...
CFB NOTES
--The annual Coaching Carousel has been fired up and several schools have already made their grab for the (br)Ass ring. Former West Virginia coach Rich Rodriguez has landed the Arizona job, ex-Texas Tech player-beater Mike Leach is reported to be locked in for New Mexico and in a move reminiscent of that old Twilight Zone inspired dream of having tomorrow's newspaper Urban Meyer is the new Head Coach of Ohio State as of approximately 3:15 P.M. today.
Obviously it's business as usual in the Athletic Departments of the FBS, but before Arizona Wildcat fans start doing cartwheels over the hiring of Rodriguez they may want to gird themselves for some tough times. You see Richie R. runs a unique spread option attack that demands speed over strength even along the offensive line. At West Virginia his first season saw the school go from 7-5 under Don Nehlen to 3-8 as Rodriguez tried to make due with personnel that did not fit his scheme. Similiarly at Michigan his first year saw a drop from 9-4 to 3-9 as the dropback passers and road grader lineman of the Lloyd Carr era struggled in the new system. In fact in his 10 years at West Virginia and Michigan R-Rod had 7 winning seasons and in each his teams ran the ball more than 70% of the time as opposed to under 60% in his 3 losing years.
Rodriguez did not find his mojo at either school until he was able to upgrade the overall team speed and find mobile, option QBs like Rasheed Marshall, Pat White and Denard Robinson to run his O. At Arizona it may be more of the same as passing QB Nick Foles has reigned under center for 3 years. Backup Matt Scott, who'll be a senior next year, is more of a runner, but has woefully little experience.
So temper those expectations in the desert for now and remember in addition to the slow starts at WVU and UM Rodriguez also turned in a 1-7-1 in his inaugural season at NAIA Glenville State and a 2-8 at tiny Salem College after which they dropped the football program. Hopefully things won't get that desperate in Tucson.
--New reports have come out recently indicating that due to tough economic times Sperm Banks are reducing or eliminating altogether payment for samples which means those towels and old socks that are "standing up" in the back of my closet no longer constitute a valid retirement plan.
Of course this isn't the first time I've been wrong on a grand scale. From the Crystal Pepsi/clear cola "revolution" to The Knack being bigger than The Beatles to Kevin Costner as a Triple Threat (act-ee, no writ-ee, no direct-ee, just act-ee) I've swung and missed worse than Anthony Perkins in Fear Strikes Out on a number of occasions. So if you had Tulsa plus the FG yesterday my apologies.
Houston yesterday proved that a hot QB can overcome all and could very well end up in a BCS bowl. Their chance at crashing the National Championship party, however is about as good as those Acid Wash jeans in my dresser making a comeback. Even if they beat unranked Southern Miss in the CUSA Conference Title game their strength of schedule will kill them in the computer-generated component of the BCS rankings. Which means we very likely could be seeing...
Oklahoma State girl who begs the question what's going on at College campuses and when's it gonna trickle down to the High School level?
--An Alabama-LSU rematch for the National Title. The Bayou Bengals win yesterday means all they need to do is beat a thoroughly underwhelming Georgia in the SEC Title tilt to punch they're ticket. If Bama in turn beats #25 Auburn today they will solidify their hold on #2 perhaps enough to stand off any challenges from the three one loss teams-Oklahoma State, Stanford and Virginia Tech.
For those trying to keep score Okie State is hurt by Oklahoma's loss to Baylor and the defection of Colorado and Nebraska from the conference leaving the formerly Big 12 without enough teams to hold a conference championship game this year. Stanford still must negotiate Notre Dame, but then will not get another game in the Pac-12 Title tilt if Oregon beats Oregon State in The Civil War. Though whether or not an upset takes place neither the Ducks nor the Cardinal (note: I'm not missing an "s" they're named after a color so as not to offend PETA, I assume) will benefit from playing potentially 6-6 UCLA who somehow won the South Division (thanks Pete Carroll for that USC probation). And finally Virginia Tech might have the best chance to leapfrog everyone if they can beat a defensively tough Virginia and then Clemson in the ACC title game. Of course a Clemson loss to South Carolina today would diminish that potential win and now before I start sounding like Professor Irwin Corey let's move on...
Maybe having UCLA around for an extra game won't be terrible...and as for those uniforms, I agree, underwear's for sissies...
Bottom line is Alabama's not winning their division is no impediment to their making the BCS Title Game and in the case of Nebraska in 2001 it was actually a benefit. Just like David Bowie's being married to a man it is unsurprising to find out that Nebraska that year owed its 11-0 start to an easy slate that featured only three games away from Lincoln and those vs. the 3 worst teams in the Big 12...what's that David Bowie's married to Imam, a fashion model...well that's kinda surprising. But back to the Cornhuskers they rolled into #14 Colorado on Thanksgiving weekend, got exposed 62-36 by the Buffaloes and missed out on the Conference Championship game which turned out to be a blessing for instead of taking another beating from a one loss Texas squad they sat home and watched as Colorado beat the Longhorns and Tennessee beat the other major one loss school Florida putting them in the BCS title game against undefeated Miami (FL).
The case of the Crimson Tide is not that egregious. Alabama has handled everyone on their sked including Arkansas and Penn State with ease and only lost to LSU in OT. Still many felt that battle of FGs had all the excitement of an Amish Barn Raising and would rather see a more wide open attack like Oklahoma State or Oregon get a crack at the Baton Rougers. Unfortunately our money's on a Tide-Tiger rematch, but don't lose hope for as the recent Ohio Amish-sect beard cutting episode has proven sometimes these guys can party like it's 1899!
--The final picks...mercifully. If you've been going against these selections, God bless. If you've been playing on them...oh, who am I kidding that ship sailed long ago. Still I like today's duo more than usual so use your judgement. First when Jim Tressel arrived in Columbus he made his #1 priority beating Michigan which he did every year going back to 2003. Consequently first year Michigan coach Brady Hoke was forced to make a similiar proclamation of rivalry focus upon his hiring and now's time to fulfill his promise. In Hoke's favor is the ignominious departures of Tressel and star QB Terrell Pryor that has left the Buckeyes a shadow of those teams that dominated the Wolverines for nearly a decade. As every new woman who's slept with me could tell OSU fans frustration makes for an ugly bedfellow. so with that in mind Michigan appears ready to blow a load that'd make Dr. Arnold Kegel (yes, there's a real guy) proud so we'll take the Wolverines -7.5 and if you can get that "buy the hook" down to -7 just to be safe. And in our other play let's take a shot with Minnesota +11 vs. Illinois for the Old Oaken Bucket or Synthetic Dildo or whatever they play for in this series. Pete Fiutak of College Football News has called it his Lock of the Year and that's a whole lot better than anything we've come up with recently.
That's all, but check back for further CFB commentary, selections and campus hotties as the weeks roll on. The best way to keep up is by becoming a Follower here or doing the same @sprtcom102 on Twitter or at the "Bowling Til' It Hurts" page on FaceBook. This one's for you mugs...
Hygiene, people, if you take nothing away from here, but that....
And as for those people who asked if I had a good Thanksgiving I can barely drag my cream cheese white ass off the couch to do things with my friends-people I choose to be with. What makes you think I'd enjoy spending time with my family?
Then again it's always nice to hear stories about how my Great-Grandfather had his own business as a Cooper-gee, thanks for that legacy...were all the Buggy Whip franchises taken? Or to sit around with enough Gin Blossoms to start a Clown College and be regaled with stories of the old AFL, a league which NFL Films has taught me never saw a no-look, over the shoulder lateral they wouldn't throw and often played their games accompanied by the soundtrack from The Benny Hill Show for some reason. But now let's bring this pile of penurious puns and busty bimbos to a close...
CFB NOTES
--The annual Coaching Carousel has been fired up and several schools have already made their grab for the (br)Ass ring. Former West Virginia coach Rich Rodriguez has landed the Arizona job, ex-Texas Tech player-beater Mike Leach is reported to be locked in for New Mexico and in a move reminiscent of that old Twilight Zone inspired dream of having tomorrow's newspaper Urban Meyer is the new Head Coach of Ohio State as of approximately 3:15 P.M. today.
Obviously it's business as usual in the Athletic Departments of the FBS, but before Arizona Wildcat fans start doing cartwheels over the hiring of Rodriguez they may want to gird themselves for some tough times. You see Richie R. runs a unique spread option attack that demands speed over strength even along the offensive line. At West Virginia his first season saw the school go from 7-5 under Don Nehlen to 3-8 as Rodriguez tried to make due with personnel that did not fit his scheme. Similiarly at Michigan his first year saw a drop from 9-4 to 3-9 as the dropback passers and road grader lineman of the Lloyd Carr era struggled in the new system. In fact in his 10 years at West Virginia and Michigan R-Rod had 7 winning seasons and in each his teams ran the ball more than 70% of the time as opposed to under 60% in his 3 losing years.
Rodriguez did not find his mojo at either school until he was able to upgrade the overall team speed and find mobile, option QBs like Rasheed Marshall, Pat White and Denard Robinson to run his O. At Arizona it may be more of the same as passing QB Nick Foles has reigned under center for 3 years. Backup Matt Scott, who'll be a senior next year, is more of a runner, but has woefully little experience.
So temper those expectations in the desert for now and remember in addition to the slow starts at WVU and UM Rodriguez also turned in a 1-7-1 in his inaugural season at NAIA Glenville State and a 2-8 at tiny Salem College after which they dropped the football program. Hopefully things won't get that desperate in Tucson.
--New reports have come out recently indicating that due to tough economic times Sperm Banks are reducing or eliminating altogether payment for samples which means those towels and old socks that are "standing up" in the back of my closet no longer constitute a valid retirement plan.
Of course this isn't the first time I've been wrong on a grand scale. From the Crystal Pepsi/clear cola "revolution" to The Knack being bigger than The Beatles to Kevin Costner as a Triple Threat (act-ee, no writ-ee, no direct-ee, just act-ee) I've swung and missed worse than Anthony Perkins in Fear Strikes Out on a number of occasions. So if you had Tulsa plus the FG yesterday my apologies.
Houston yesterday proved that a hot QB can overcome all and could very well end up in a BCS bowl. Their chance at crashing the National Championship party, however is about as good as those Acid Wash jeans in my dresser making a comeback. Even if they beat unranked Southern Miss in the CUSA Conference Title game their strength of schedule will kill them in the computer-generated component of the BCS rankings. Which means we very likely could be seeing...
Oklahoma State girl who begs the question what's going on at College campuses and when's it gonna trickle down to the High School level?--An Alabama-LSU rematch for the National Title. The Bayou Bengals win yesterday means all they need to do is beat a thoroughly underwhelming Georgia in the SEC Title tilt to punch they're ticket. If Bama in turn beats #25 Auburn today they will solidify their hold on #2 perhaps enough to stand off any challenges from the three one loss teams-Oklahoma State, Stanford and Virginia Tech.
For those trying to keep score Okie State is hurt by Oklahoma's loss to Baylor and the defection of Colorado and Nebraska from the conference leaving the formerly Big 12 without enough teams to hold a conference championship game this year. Stanford still must negotiate Notre Dame, but then will not get another game in the Pac-12 Title tilt if Oregon beats Oregon State in The Civil War. Though whether or not an upset takes place neither the Ducks nor the Cardinal (note: I'm not missing an "s" they're named after a color so as not to offend PETA, I assume) will benefit from playing potentially 6-6 UCLA who somehow won the South Division (thanks Pete Carroll for that USC probation). And finally Virginia Tech might have the best chance to leapfrog everyone if they can beat a defensively tough Virginia and then Clemson in the ACC title game. Of course a Clemson loss to South Carolina today would diminish that potential win and now before I start sounding like Professor Irwin Corey let's move on...
Maybe having UCLA around for an extra game won't be terrible...and as for those uniforms, I agree, underwear's for sissies...Bottom line is Alabama's not winning their division is no impediment to their making the BCS Title Game and in the case of Nebraska in 2001 it was actually a benefit. Just like David Bowie's being married to a man it is unsurprising to find out that Nebraska that year owed its 11-0 start to an easy slate that featured only three games away from Lincoln and those vs. the 3 worst teams in the Big 12...what's that David Bowie's married to Imam, a fashion model...well that's kinda surprising. But back to the Cornhuskers they rolled into #14 Colorado on Thanksgiving weekend, got exposed 62-36 by the Buffaloes and missed out on the Conference Championship game which turned out to be a blessing for instead of taking another beating from a one loss Texas squad they sat home and watched as Colorado beat the Longhorns and Tennessee beat the other major one loss school Florida putting them in the BCS title game against undefeated Miami (FL).
The case of the Crimson Tide is not that egregious. Alabama has handled everyone on their sked including Arkansas and Penn State with ease and only lost to LSU in OT. Still many felt that battle of FGs had all the excitement of an Amish Barn Raising and would rather see a more wide open attack like Oklahoma State or Oregon get a crack at the Baton Rougers. Unfortunately our money's on a Tide-Tiger rematch, but don't lose hope for as the recent Ohio Amish-sect beard cutting episode has proven sometimes these guys can party like it's 1899!
--The final picks...mercifully. If you've been going against these selections, God bless. If you've been playing on them...oh, who am I kidding that ship sailed long ago. Still I like today's duo more than usual so use your judgement. First when Jim Tressel arrived in Columbus he made his #1 priority beating Michigan which he did every year going back to 2003. Consequently first year Michigan coach Brady Hoke was forced to make a similiar proclamation of rivalry focus upon his hiring and now's time to fulfill his promise. In Hoke's favor is the ignominious departures of Tressel and star QB Terrell Pryor that has left the Buckeyes a shadow of those teams that dominated the Wolverines for nearly a decade. As every new woman who's slept with me could tell OSU fans frustration makes for an ugly bedfellow. so with that in mind Michigan appears ready to blow a load that'd make Dr. Arnold Kegel (yes, there's a real guy) proud so we'll take the Wolverines -7.5 and if you can get that "buy the hook" down to -7 just to be safe. And in our other play let's take a shot with Minnesota +11 vs. Illinois for the Old Oaken Bucket or Synthetic Dildo or whatever they play for in this series. Pete Fiutak of College Football News has called it his Lock of the Year and that's a whole lot better than anything we've come up with recently.
That's all, but check back for further CFB commentary, selections and campus hotties as the weeks roll on. The best way to keep up is by becoming a Follower here or doing the same @sprtcom102 on Twitter or at the "Bowling Til' It Hurts" page on FaceBook. This one's for you mugs...
Hygiene, people, if you take nothing away from here, but that....
Saturday, November 19, 2011
My Medically Correct Weight If I Was 8' 6"
Back in the heady days when I was a student my High School had a Smoking Lounge/Bathroom...for the students! Within which resided a revolving door of potheads and misfits puffing their brains out in front of a wall graffiitt-ed with "Peace, Pot, Microdot" and the 3-foot tall school Disciplinarian mocking phrase "WADDON SUCKS" amidst a room so heavy with Marlboro smoke you could get Emphyzema taking a piss while a seemingly continous loop of Neil Young's "Sugar Mountain" droned on in the background.
And NO ONE cared!
Today if you bring so much as an airplane bag of peanuts into your room at least three kids' heads will swell up like wedding dicks and a Hazmat Unit in Chernobyl suits will be called in to secure the area while the rest of the class is ushered to the nurse's office for a Silkwood Shower that could make the Freedom Marchers of Selma, Alabama look like kids playing in a sprinkler.
OK, maybe I'm a little over-annoyed for just having to sit through a 45 minute video on "The Peanut and Peanut Borne Illness", but it may be time for less "No Child Less Behind" and more Eugenics because, mark my words, they could put up all the metal detectors they want to keep guns outta school only to see the next Columbine be a kid with a dozen PayDay bars holding an entire cafeteria hostage. George Washington Carver never saw this coming.
Well, I guess that's better than on your chin...right?
CFB NOTES
--We warned you about Kansas State, touted Oregon over Stanford last week and though we were a week early on Okie State the payoff came last night so this week's overrated team du jour is...Houston. With Boise State vanquished by last week's loss to TCU and QB Case Keenum putting up record smashing numbers the Cougars have become everyone's BCS Busting Baby as the only undefeated team in the land outside of LSU.
Still the Cougars are currently ranked 11th in the BCS Poll and with good reason. According to the two best Strength of Schedule rating systems we could find UH's sked is ranked 117th by the Fremeau Efficiency Rating and a dead last 120 out of 120 at College Football Reference. A lineup of opponents so soft it could make Gerry Cooney consider a comeback.
First off there are only 3 other teams in Conference USA with above .500 records and Houston has played exactly none of them. Their toughest opponent to date is either UCLA or Louisiana Tech. After beating those two by 4 and 1 point respectively early in the year the Cougars were no big deal, but then Keenum and the offense went off like Michael Richards at an NAACP benefit scoring 56/63/73/56/73 in a five game stretch while undefeateds Oklahoma, Stanford, Alabama, Clemson, Boise and now Oklahoma State were falling.
What's been ignored is that those blowouts were against a quintuplet of teams that are a combined 17-36 and only one game, vs. UAB, was outdoors on the road which is always the true barometer for a Dome team. Additionally in that UAB game the Blazers were within a TD as late as mid third quarter and UH only topped 50 points by virtue of a 54 yard INT return in the 4th quarter.
With two more wins and a coupla stumbles in front of them the BCS dream is still in reach. The problem is that they close with two of those plus .500 CUSA squads. Today they're -20.5 at home to SMU, a club that owns a win at TCU, but has struggled lately losing three of four including their last to Navy. If that's not to your liking root for the UH blowout because they'll be at one of our pointspread faves, Tulsa, on Black Friday, and the Golden Hurricane could end up a bigger bargain than all the DoorBusters Walmart and Target has to offer. Monitor the situation.
--The comedian Louis C.K. explains his often pained expression as deriving from the fact that his lifelong poor dietary habits have left him pepetually within a 48 hour window of diarrhea. We believe a former Heisman Trophy winner and coaching giant like Steve Spurrier has eaten better in his lifetime, but to watch his face on the sidelines weekly it appears something's percolating in his loins.
Now we're no Doctors, but it would appear the root of this problem lies in South Carolina's QB play. At Florida Visor Steve was able to turn the mediocre likes of Shane Matthews, Danny Wuerffel, Jesse Palmer and Rex Grossman into Heisman Trophy candidates, but at USC it's been no such Luck (for future reference the bad pun is always intended). The main trio of Gamecock QBs under Spurrier, Blake Mitchell/Chris Smelley/StephenGarcia, is hardly gonna make anyone forget "Slingin'" Sammy Baugh or even ex-LPGA hottie Laura Baugh for that matter.
Once drank herself into a state of "spontaneous bleeding" according to her Autobiography and looks like this? ...Where has she been all my life?
But what's even more disturbing is that under this once great QB Guru each of these helmsman has actually gotten worse with their TD/INT ratios consistently going in the wrong direction: Mitchell 17/12, 10/6, 10/9; Smelley 9/7, 14/15; Garcia 17/10, 24/14, 4/9. Additionally, the fact that S.C. has produced some of it's all-time best defenses during Spurrier's 7 year run yet never had a season with less than 5 losses seems a bigger waste than Markie Post's boobs on Night Court.
What this all means were not really sure. But these are not your Father's Steve Spurrier squads and it appears they never will be which is too bad for an insanely rabid fan base that's still looking for that one National Championship run.
--In a quick note if you're thinking of changing your Fantasy Football team name midseason I've already alerted ESPN and CBS Sportsline that I've trademarked the monicker "Showering With Sandusky". But for readers here leave a comment below and I'll Grandfather you in (again bad pun...intended).
--And speaking of the Penn State affair did anyone else get the creepy feeling while Sandusky was being interviewed by the tiny, boyish Bob Costas that at any moment Chris Hansen from Dateline was gonna pop out from around the corner?
--Alabama plays FCS team Georgia Southern today so is, unfortunately, off TV. Not that we're Crimson fans, but since the LSU game we've become addicted to superfluous shots of those UA Baton Girls who seem to use enough peroxide to burn a new Fontanelle in their skulls. So for all you latent perverts...and we assume that's everyone who managed to get this far...here's a quicky to Tide you over...
Taking in the entirety of this picture it's easy to see who belongs to Pi Delta Pi and who belongs to the Omega Moos...those are real sororities right?
--We pushed last week with Nebraska who squandered a 17-0 lead, but held on 17-14. That's annoying, but not as bad as those big faves that win outright, but don't cover. Hey, if I'm miserable they should be too has always been my thinking. We've been confused and scattershot with out College picks this year, but we have noticed that sometimes we're a week too soon with our analysis. We lost with Tulsa then saw them reel off 5 straight covers, were a game too early with our Oklahoma State defense collapse and so on. So in a confusing card and through a fog of student induced phlegm we're gonna say Penn State is emotionally drained after trying to win one for JoePa last week (they planned to walk the game ball to his house afterwards) and we'll back an improved Ohio State (loss to Purdue last week notwithstanding) at -6.5. We're still a little wired on Natty Ice and Nyquil so you might want to venture your money conservatively, but either way enjoy the games!!
The ubiquitous Hottie 'O The Day...There's so many of these women on the Internet I'm literally thinking of hiring the Squegee Guy from the exit ramp near Yankee Stadium to stand next to my computer screen.
And NO ONE cared!
Today if you bring so much as an airplane bag of peanuts into your room at least three kids' heads will swell up like wedding dicks and a Hazmat Unit in Chernobyl suits will be called in to secure the area while the rest of the class is ushered to the nurse's office for a Silkwood Shower that could make the Freedom Marchers of Selma, Alabama look like kids playing in a sprinkler.
OK, maybe I'm a little over-annoyed for just having to sit through a 45 minute video on "The Peanut and Peanut Borne Illness", but it may be time for less "No Child Less Behind" and more Eugenics because, mark my words, they could put up all the metal detectors they want to keep guns outta school only to see the next Columbine be a kid with a dozen PayDay bars holding an entire cafeteria hostage. George Washington Carver never saw this coming.
Well, I guess that's better than on your chin...right?CFB NOTES
--We warned you about Kansas State, touted Oregon over Stanford last week and though we were a week early on Okie State the payoff came last night so this week's overrated team du jour is...Houston. With Boise State vanquished by last week's loss to TCU and QB Case Keenum putting up record smashing numbers the Cougars have become everyone's BCS Busting Baby as the only undefeated team in the land outside of LSU.
Still the Cougars are currently ranked 11th in the BCS Poll and with good reason. According to the two best Strength of Schedule rating systems we could find UH's sked is ranked 117th by the Fremeau Efficiency Rating and a dead last 120 out of 120 at College Football Reference. A lineup of opponents so soft it could make Gerry Cooney consider a comeback.
First off there are only 3 other teams in Conference USA with above .500 records and Houston has played exactly none of them. Their toughest opponent to date is either UCLA or Louisiana Tech. After beating those two by 4 and 1 point respectively early in the year the Cougars were no big deal, but then Keenum and the offense went off like Michael Richards at an NAACP benefit scoring 56/63/73/56/73 in a five game stretch while undefeateds Oklahoma, Stanford, Alabama, Clemson, Boise and now Oklahoma State were falling.
What's been ignored is that those blowouts were against a quintuplet of teams that are a combined 17-36 and only one game, vs. UAB, was outdoors on the road which is always the true barometer for a Dome team. Additionally in that UAB game the Blazers were within a TD as late as mid third quarter and UH only topped 50 points by virtue of a 54 yard INT return in the 4th quarter.
With two more wins and a coupla stumbles in front of them the BCS dream is still in reach. The problem is that they close with two of those plus .500 CUSA squads. Today they're -20.5 at home to SMU, a club that owns a win at TCU, but has struggled lately losing three of four including their last to Navy. If that's not to your liking root for the UH blowout because they'll be at one of our pointspread faves, Tulsa, on Black Friday, and the Golden Hurricane could end up a bigger bargain than all the DoorBusters Walmart and Target has to offer. Monitor the situation.
--The comedian Louis C.K. explains his often pained expression as deriving from the fact that his lifelong poor dietary habits have left him pepetually within a 48 hour window of diarrhea. We believe a former Heisman Trophy winner and coaching giant like Steve Spurrier has eaten better in his lifetime, but to watch his face on the sidelines weekly it appears something's percolating in his loins.
Now we're no Doctors, but it would appear the root of this problem lies in South Carolina's QB play. At Florida Visor Steve was able to turn the mediocre likes of Shane Matthews, Danny Wuerffel, Jesse Palmer and Rex Grossman into Heisman Trophy candidates, but at USC it's been no such Luck (for future reference the bad pun is always intended). The main trio of Gamecock QBs under Spurrier, Blake Mitchell/Chris Smelley/StephenGarcia, is hardly gonna make anyone forget "Slingin'" Sammy Baugh or even ex-LPGA hottie Laura Baugh for that matter.
But what's even more disturbing is that under this once great QB Guru each of these helmsman has actually gotten worse with their TD/INT ratios consistently going in the wrong direction: Mitchell 17/12, 10/6, 10/9; Smelley 9/7, 14/15; Garcia 17/10, 24/14, 4/9. Additionally, the fact that S.C. has produced some of it's all-time best defenses during Spurrier's 7 year run yet never had a season with less than 5 losses seems a bigger waste than Markie Post's boobs on Night Court.
What this all means were not really sure. But these are not your Father's Steve Spurrier squads and it appears they never will be which is too bad for an insanely rabid fan base that's still looking for that one National Championship run.
--In a quick note if you're thinking of changing your Fantasy Football team name midseason I've already alerted ESPN and CBS Sportsline that I've trademarked the monicker "Showering With Sandusky". But for readers here leave a comment below and I'll Grandfather you in (again bad pun...intended).
--And speaking of the Penn State affair did anyone else get the creepy feeling while Sandusky was being interviewed by the tiny, boyish Bob Costas that at any moment Chris Hansen from Dateline was gonna pop out from around the corner?
--Alabama plays FCS team Georgia Southern today so is, unfortunately, off TV. Not that we're Crimson fans, but since the LSU game we've become addicted to superfluous shots of those UA Baton Girls who seem to use enough peroxide to burn a new Fontanelle in their skulls. So for all you latent perverts...and we assume that's everyone who managed to get this far...here's a quicky to Tide you over...
Taking in the entirety of this picture it's easy to see who belongs to Pi Delta Pi and who belongs to the Omega Moos...those are real sororities right?--We pushed last week with Nebraska who squandered a 17-0 lead, but held on 17-14. That's annoying, but not as bad as those big faves that win outright, but don't cover. Hey, if I'm miserable they should be too has always been my thinking. We've been confused and scattershot with out College picks this year, but we have noticed that sometimes we're a week too soon with our analysis. We lost with Tulsa then saw them reel off 5 straight covers, were a game too early with our Oklahoma State defense collapse and so on. So in a confusing card and through a fog of student induced phlegm we're gonna say Penn State is emotionally drained after trying to win one for JoePa last week (they planned to walk the game ball to his house afterwards) and we'll back an improved Ohio State (loss to Purdue last week notwithstanding) at -6.5. We're still a little wired on Natty Ice and Nyquil so you might want to venture your money conservatively, but either way enjoy the games!!
The ubiquitous Hottie 'O The Day...There's so many of these women on the Internet I'm literally thinking of hiring the Squegee Guy from the exit ramp near Yankee Stadium to stand next to my computer screen.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
A Thief I Could Take, But A Liar! (CFB Notes)
--This week's Veterans Day celebration at our school, featuring over 400 retired and active service people, raised the question in my mind-why is every third VFW member required to look like Wilfred Brimley? But thanks and kudos to comely Captain Lisa Palmer USAF who spoke to my classes and whose attractiveness no doubt is helping save Military Recruiting from years of M*A*S*H reruns that convinced previous generations Hot Lips Houlihan was the best the services had to offer.
--Additionally like an Arab-American with a yen to become a Crop Duster I have no illusions about what I'm up against here. While the kind words and increasing readership has been nice I realize I have about as much chance of being the next Bill Simmons as Jerry Sandusky does of hosting the Kid's Choice Awards. Still I was a little dismayed when Google, as you will notice above, pulled the advertising thereby denying me at least the Dickensian wage I was working on. But that's fine. I plan to forge on anyway and who knows perhaps I can lure those "One Trick For A Full Night's Sleep" ads to the site because, though it's hard to see the connection, a few more big breasted women is certainly not going to weaken the war effort.
One of the "One Trick For A Full Night's Sleep" Models: This is why I never give my female students homework...sleep, girls, sleep...
CFB NOTES
--Years ago I dated a young, hot co-worker who grandiosely proclaimed her Grandfather pitched for the Boston Red Sox. When, after a couple dates, I lured her up to my apartment I did not lead amorously, but instead pulled out the 10,000 page Baseball Encyclopedia, one of the few tomes along with Churchill's Memoirs and the Oxford English Dictionary that actually outlasted my Father's post-Church/pre-Kickoff bathroom ablutions during my childhood. When I showed her that her Grandfather was not included therein she countered with, "Well not everyone, ever, is in that book", which prompted me to turn to Johnson Cin.-1887 AB: 1 R: 0 H: 0 2B: 0 3B: 0 HR: 0 RBI: 0 AVG.: .000 hometown: ? and state haughtily, "If he's in here then everyone's is!" Not realizing at that moment that that would be the only "Johnson" I'd be showing her that evening...or ever.
The point is that Life is a series of games and every decision is "Game Sensitive". In the above case I had no "game" and should've been sensitive of that. Alabama HC Nick Saban, too, had a game and decisions to deal with last Saturday, but his "sensitivity" was akin to that of a Gallagher encore.
After missing a 34 yd FG on their first drive Bama then attempted, and missed badly, two kicks, 49 and 50 yards, that are bombs by college standards particularly in a high pressure game. Hard and unpopular as it may be it appeared, with the Crimson dominating defensively at the time, that Saban would've been wiser to punt and hope to pin LSU deep and play a field position game that, with a 3 and out, could've yielded better opportunities in their next possessions.
Certainly all this is speculative and relatively easy from the comfort of my coach, but big bucks means big decisions. If Saban had been more "game sensitive" he might have concluded that in a projected defensive struggle (the O/U was in the low 40's) yards might be more important than the risky points. Even if only one of the punts was downed inside the 10/5 it could've resulted in a field position driven TD or chip shot FG that could've turned the game.
Point is Nick Saban didn't necessarily lose this game for the Tide (more Les Miles QB move and imagination won it), but neither did his kickers. Three of their four misses were low percentage kicks and two probably shouldn't have been tried at all. Still it was a great game between truly the two best teams in the Nation. Nick and the Boys may yet get a shot at the National Title standing currently at #3 in the BCS, but the chances for me with another nubile, young hottie are long gone...and not just due to the terms of my probation. So stay "sensitive" my friends.
--Listen, despite the cynicism herein fact is I wanna believe in something as much as the next guy...unless of course the next guy is Episcopalian since I'm not ready to accept Joe Piscopo as my Lord and Savior just yet. That is what they believe, right? But the one thing I will not believe in is the moral infallibility of anyone in the Major College FB/BB coaching profession.
Awhile back we referenced the 1970's expose Caught In The Net by former Clemson BB coach and convicted NCAA rules violator Tates Locke who summed up the big time athletics dilemma eloquently when he stated, "I realized it was either cheat or lose and I just got tired of losing."
Indeed try as you might to occupy the moral high ground folks like Jim Tressel, Dennis Erickson, John Calipari and Bob Huggins are gonna make you into a martyr the likes of which could make Joan of Arc look like Sammy "The Bull" Gravano turning state's evidence.
Therefore I have little doubt that Joe Paterno's firing is much deserved. By dint of starting his career 46 years ago Paterno is, I'm sure, much cleaner and done much more for kids over the years than guys who entered the biz more recently. Still even an icon of his stature is not free from the pressures inherent in today's money-first CFB landscape. After a few sketchy seasons in the 2000's he was forced to participate in a power struggle to save his job. This coincidentally coincided with a string of arrests that culminated in a 2008 ESPN Outside The Lines investigation that revealed that Paterno had shielded 46 FB players from over 163 charges over a 5 year period by convincing the authorities that the matters were being handled internally. The expose closes with a parent of a PSU student who was severely beaten by a gang of players saying that all he wanted was not criminal convictions, but simply an apology from Paterno. He's still waiting.
The writers at CollegeFootball News.com staged a Point/CounterPoint debate on Paterno's firing yesterday and while no one called the other an ignorant slut it did prove how difficult it is to believe Paterno is clean in this whole affair. The argument in favor of keeping JoePa coming down to the idea that if after reporting the McQuery matter to the AD he was told an investigation had cleared Sandusky he would be exonerated from any further wrongdoing. But one must ask why if this were the case was Paterno, or someone on his behalf, not trumpeting that news to the masses.
Paterno was a God in Happy Valley and dictated to all and sundry in that manner. But his was a Kingdom, like so many others, predicated on winning and revenue generation; graduation rates and general morality be damned. To think that Paterno helped brush this matter under the carpet and even was instrumental in getting Sandusky back in the facility where he could keep an eye on him is in no way a leap. In fact for anyone who has followed big time College athletics down into it's current ethical morass this seems like the only logical explanation. We'll almost certainly never know the real truth, but if there is such a thing as guilt by association, then if he wanted to preserve his legacy, Joe Paterno shoulda got outta this business long ago.
Seriously Jerry Sandusky...weren't checking out co-eds and curiously long showers enough for you at this point.
--There's an idea that things that haven't occurred in a long time are "due". If that's the case then I should be bedding down a women at any moment now. And if this theory holds true my advice to her would be "bring a helmet" because I'm so "due" I could knock a lamp off the nightstand. The morning after looking like Dealey Plaza as the paramedics try to figure out like a Larry Flynt sponsored Warren Commission, "did the shot go in through the temple and come out through the back...or were they doing it doggy-style".
If you're thoroughly nauseous at this point then let's bring things back to the original point which is if anyone was ever "due" to not cover the spread it's Stanford. Going back to 2010 the Cardinal has covered 14 straight games an unprecedented streak though were not sure how far back record keeping of this sort really goes. A few weeks back Washington was a popular dog against the Luck Bunch, but was annihilated easily both ATS and SU. Since then they've covered 2 more vs. USC (barely) and Oregon State meaning bookmakers have to be taking it on the chin like a bound Helen Keller giving fellatio as the bandwagon fills up.
Today they're at home giving 3.5 to Oregon. The Ducks are always better in Eugene so this line actually seems a little low. OU has faced LSU, Cal and #18 Arizona State while Stanford has taken on no one short of USC who they struggled past in 3 OTs after forcing the extra time with a TD with only 51 seconds remaining. Maybe this then is the week the books try to burn the people and recoup their losses. We're no big fans of Oregon on the road and have all the respect for Stanford's vertical game, but all good things must come to an end. So if you like to have a little something riding on the big TV, marquee matchup consider the Ducks...they just might be due (our official picks are below).
Frankly that looks painful, but who am I not to ask her if I can borrow a pencil?
--Quick Hits: Speaking of "due" did Oklahoma State's defense get exposed Saturday night against a generally one-dimensional Kansas State team that put up 276 yards rushing and 507 overall in Stillwater? Now they're no Tuesday Night Toledo, but I've heard of GHB-ed girls that put up more resistance than that. Today they face an up and down Texas Tech in Lubbock and with their stock rising to #2 in the BCS the points (+20) could be enticing...And speaking of Toledo what's with HC Tim Beckman declaring that any player not 10 minutes early to a meeting is punished? Did this guy play guitar in Spinal Tap before getting into coaching? I could almost hear Rob Reiner's psuedo-documentarian Marty DiBergi asking him, "why don't you just start the meeting at 8:50 instead of 9 and punish anyone not there on time?" But I'm afraid the answer would be it, "but it goes to 11."...And finally the Sioux Indian Tribe is suing North Dakota University over their nickname the Fighting Sioux. I've never understood this really. Teams take on a nickname because they believe it represents pride and strength. I mean you don't see the Ostriches or the Fightin' Jm J. Bullocks out there anywhere do you. So alright maybe the Redskins and Cleveland's Chief Wahoo could do with a little tweaking, but hey if this works look out Michigan State and San Jose State Spartans Greece might just see this as a way out of their debt situation.
I've fought it all these years, but maybe DisneyLand really is "Where Dreams Come True".
--We wrote out a list of 10 games we like today. We've alluded to a few of them here, but for our official play we're going to take the easy way out and say no way Penn State can overcome the surrounding turmoil to be mentally ready to play today. Try Nebraska -3 though we wish the Nittany Lions were up against a less Scizophrenic squad in this one.
--Additionally like an Arab-American with a yen to become a Crop Duster I have no illusions about what I'm up against here. While the kind words and increasing readership has been nice I realize I have about as much chance of being the next Bill Simmons as Jerry Sandusky does of hosting the Kid's Choice Awards. Still I was a little dismayed when Google, as you will notice above, pulled the advertising thereby denying me at least the Dickensian wage I was working on. But that's fine. I plan to forge on anyway and who knows perhaps I can lure those "One Trick For A Full Night's Sleep" ads to the site because, though it's hard to see the connection, a few more big breasted women is certainly not going to weaken the war effort.
One of the "One Trick For A Full Night's Sleep" Models: This is why I never give my female students homework...sleep, girls, sleep...CFB NOTES
--Years ago I dated a young, hot co-worker who grandiosely proclaimed her Grandfather pitched for the Boston Red Sox. When, after a couple dates, I lured her up to my apartment I did not lead amorously, but instead pulled out the 10,000 page Baseball Encyclopedia, one of the few tomes along with Churchill's Memoirs and the Oxford English Dictionary that actually outlasted my Father's post-Church/pre-Kickoff bathroom ablutions during my childhood. When I showed her that her Grandfather was not included therein she countered with, "Well not everyone, ever, is in that book", which prompted me to turn to Johnson Cin.-1887 AB: 1 R: 0 H: 0 2B: 0 3B: 0 HR: 0 RBI: 0 AVG.: .000 hometown: ? and state haughtily, "If he's in here then everyone's is!" Not realizing at that moment that that would be the only "Johnson" I'd be showing her that evening...or ever.
The point is that Life is a series of games and every decision is "Game Sensitive". In the above case I had no "game" and should've been sensitive of that. Alabama HC Nick Saban, too, had a game and decisions to deal with last Saturday, but his "sensitivity" was akin to that of a Gallagher encore.
After missing a 34 yd FG on their first drive Bama then attempted, and missed badly, two kicks, 49 and 50 yards, that are bombs by college standards particularly in a high pressure game. Hard and unpopular as it may be it appeared, with the Crimson dominating defensively at the time, that Saban would've been wiser to punt and hope to pin LSU deep and play a field position game that, with a 3 and out, could've yielded better opportunities in their next possessions.
Certainly all this is speculative and relatively easy from the comfort of my coach, but big bucks means big decisions. If Saban had been more "game sensitive" he might have concluded that in a projected defensive struggle (the O/U was in the low 40's) yards might be more important than the risky points. Even if only one of the punts was downed inside the 10/5 it could've resulted in a field position driven TD or chip shot FG that could've turned the game.
Point is Nick Saban didn't necessarily lose this game for the Tide (more Les Miles QB move and imagination won it), but neither did his kickers. Three of their four misses were low percentage kicks and two probably shouldn't have been tried at all. Still it was a great game between truly the two best teams in the Nation. Nick and the Boys may yet get a shot at the National Title standing currently at #3 in the BCS, but the chances for me with another nubile, young hottie are long gone...and not just due to the terms of my probation. So stay "sensitive" my friends.
--Listen, despite the cynicism herein fact is I wanna believe in something as much as the next guy...unless of course the next guy is Episcopalian since I'm not ready to accept Joe Piscopo as my Lord and Savior just yet. That is what they believe, right? But the one thing I will not believe in is the moral infallibility of anyone in the Major College FB/BB coaching profession.
Awhile back we referenced the 1970's expose Caught In The Net by former Clemson BB coach and convicted NCAA rules violator Tates Locke who summed up the big time athletics dilemma eloquently when he stated, "I realized it was either cheat or lose and I just got tired of losing."
Indeed try as you might to occupy the moral high ground folks like Jim Tressel, Dennis Erickson, John Calipari and Bob Huggins are gonna make you into a martyr the likes of which could make Joan of Arc look like Sammy "The Bull" Gravano turning state's evidence.
Therefore I have little doubt that Joe Paterno's firing is much deserved. By dint of starting his career 46 years ago Paterno is, I'm sure, much cleaner and done much more for kids over the years than guys who entered the biz more recently. Still even an icon of his stature is not free from the pressures inherent in today's money-first CFB landscape. After a few sketchy seasons in the 2000's he was forced to participate in a power struggle to save his job. This coincidentally coincided with a string of arrests that culminated in a 2008 ESPN Outside The Lines investigation that revealed that Paterno had shielded 46 FB players from over 163 charges over a 5 year period by convincing the authorities that the matters were being handled internally. The expose closes with a parent of a PSU student who was severely beaten by a gang of players saying that all he wanted was not criminal convictions, but simply an apology from Paterno. He's still waiting.
The writers at CollegeFootball News.com staged a Point/CounterPoint debate on Paterno's firing yesterday and while no one called the other an ignorant slut it did prove how difficult it is to believe Paterno is clean in this whole affair. The argument in favor of keeping JoePa coming down to the idea that if after reporting the McQuery matter to the AD he was told an investigation had cleared Sandusky he would be exonerated from any further wrongdoing. But one must ask why if this were the case was Paterno, or someone on his behalf, not trumpeting that news to the masses.
Paterno was a God in Happy Valley and dictated to all and sundry in that manner. But his was a Kingdom, like so many others, predicated on winning and revenue generation; graduation rates and general morality be damned. To think that Paterno helped brush this matter under the carpet and even was instrumental in getting Sandusky back in the facility where he could keep an eye on him is in no way a leap. In fact for anyone who has followed big time College athletics down into it's current ethical morass this seems like the only logical explanation. We'll almost certainly never know the real truth, but if there is such a thing as guilt by association, then if he wanted to preserve his legacy, Joe Paterno shoulda got outta this business long ago.
Seriously Jerry Sandusky...weren't checking out co-eds and curiously long showers enough for you at this point.--There's an idea that things that haven't occurred in a long time are "due". If that's the case then I should be bedding down a women at any moment now. And if this theory holds true my advice to her would be "bring a helmet" because I'm so "due" I could knock a lamp off the nightstand. The morning after looking like Dealey Plaza as the paramedics try to figure out like a Larry Flynt sponsored Warren Commission, "did the shot go in through the temple and come out through the back...or were they doing it doggy-style".
If you're thoroughly nauseous at this point then let's bring things back to the original point which is if anyone was ever "due" to not cover the spread it's Stanford. Going back to 2010 the Cardinal has covered 14 straight games an unprecedented streak though were not sure how far back record keeping of this sort really goes. A few weeks back Washington was a popular dog against the Luck Bunch, but was annihilated easily both ATS and SU. Since then they've covered 2 more vs. USC (barely) and Oregon State meaning bookmakers have to be taking it on the chin like a bound Helen Keller giving fellatio as the bandwagon fills up.
Today they're at home giving 3.5 to Oregon. The Ducks are always better in Eugene so this line actually seems a little low. OU has faced LSU, Cal and #18 Arizona State while Stanford has taken on no one short of USC who they struggled past in 3 OTs after forcing the extra time with a TD with only 51 seconds remaining. Maybe this then is the week the books try to burn the people and recoup their losses. We're no big fans of Oregon on the road and have all the respect for Stanford's vertical game, but all good things must come to an end. So if you like to have a little something riding on the big TV, marquee matchup consider the Ducks...they just might be due (our official picks are below).
Frankly that looks painful, but who am I not to ask her if I can borrow a pencil?--Quick Hits: Speaking of "due" did Oklahoma State's defense get exposed Saturday night against a generally one-dimensional Kansas State team that put up 276 yards rushing and 507 overall in Stillwater? Now they're no Tuesday Night Toledo, but I've heard of GHB-ed girls that put up more resistance than that. Today they face an up and down Texas Tech in Lubbock and with their stock rising to #2 in the BCS the points (+20) could be enticing...And speaking of Toledo what's with HC Tim Beckman declaring that any player not 10 minutes early to a meeting is punished? Did this guy play guitar in Spinal Tap before getting into coaching? I could almost hear Rob Reiner's psuedo-documentarian Marty DiBergi asking him, "why don't you just start the meeting at 8:50 instead of 9 and punish anyone not there on time?" But I'm afraid the answer would be it, "but it goes to 11."...And finally the Sioux Indian Tribe is suing North Dakota University over their nickname the Fighting Sioux. I've never understood this really. Teams take on a nickname because they believe it represents pride and strength. I mean you don't see the Ostriches or the Fightin' Jm J. Bullocks out there anywhere do you. So alright maybe the Redskins and Cleveland's Chief Wahoo could do with a little tweaking, but hey if this works look out Michigan State and San Jose State Spartans Greece might just see this as a way out of their debt situation.
I've fought it all these years, but maybe DisneyLand really is "Where Dreams Come True".--We wrote out a list of 10 games we like today. We've alluded to a few of them here, but for our official play we're going to take the easy way out and say no way Penn State can overcome the surrounding turmoil to be mentally ready to play today. Try Nebraska -3 though we wish the Nittany Lions were up against a less Scizophrenic squad in this one.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
I'm In A Newark State Of Mind
Now that 's something you don't hear often...
--So Kris Humphries claims Kim Kardashian's divorce filing came "out of the blue". Apparently he only uses the self-checkout and not the regular supermarket cashier lanes, I guess. And speaking of which have the women on the cover of Prevention magazine gotten hotter or am I really that old?
--Fact is the Kardashian/Humphries psuedo-nuptials raked in about $17M bucks yet barely lasted as long as the drum solo from "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida". So can we begin to stop with the elaborate weddings already. I've always viewed this like celebrating the victory before the game is played. Accomplish something first then throw your god-damned party. Wanna celebrate a Hollywood coupling how 'bout televising the 75th anniversary of Abe Vigoda and whatever dust queefing bag of bones he's been banging since the Truman Administration...Now there's a women who deserves a party.
--And lastly (I promise) enough with Kris Jenner trying to defend her daughter. The latest lament of how the press should mind their own business from a woman who stars on a show called Keeping Up With The Kardashians features her claiming Kim is not a Gold Digger and is "as comfortable shopping at Walmart as she is on Rodeo Drive." Yeah right...or to paraphrase Jim Florentine from VH1's That Metal Show, "I've been to several Walmarts and seen a lot of women with fat asses, but none of 'em looked like Kim Kardashian."
CFB NOTES
--I was once reprimanded by school administration after a student went home and told his parents that I was against wearing a seatbelt when driving because in the event of an accident I preferred to be "thrown clear". Since then I've always been sure to preface these slice of so-called Life sharing sessions with the caveat that kids should "do as I say and not as I do." On these pages, however, I thought my inelegantly, ignoble intent was clear: jokes/bad puns first, mammarian-ly magnified women second and selections, time permitting, third. Unfortunately fury over last week's 0-3 NCAA picking performance shows I may have underestimated people's desire to follow anyone with internet access and an opinion. So for last week's gridiron gambling gashing I apologize...not for the choices, but for not being more strenuous in my disclaimers.
That said I honestly believe there is plenty of useful handicapping advice herein. Overall our selections on the NFL/CFB are at exactly .500, but those who read between the lines and cull the occasional coherence from our analysis stand to be the big victors...though, really, you're all winners in my book (wait, am I still drunk from last night?).
As we mentioned in a previous NFL post we tend to theorize with the best of 'em, but when it comes time for the money to go down we have trouble sticking to our guns and silencing the outside noise. Case in point is last week where we analyzed the living Hell out of an overrated Kansas State team, bt then did not select Oklahoma because of public concern over their mental state following the Texas Tech loss. Similarly, we've been touting Tulsa for weeks (and threw a "lean" out on them last week), but after narrowly missing a play on them over UAB in a game they thoroughly dominated we jumped ship before they covered 3 straight (vs. Rice, SMU, UCF) against the spread instead deciding to hedge our bets with a Totals play in their game last week that, as a colleague recently told me of his marriage, was "not pretty guy."
So in the future if you see some excellent analysis not followed up by a selection on said squad feel free to recall the "do as he says, not as he does" mantra and go your own way. And as for not wearing a seatbelt just think next time you see an accident resulting in a car fire...who's safer now, huh!
Hopefully this eases the pain of that Arizona loser last week...
--The Mid-American Conference West Division Title was all but wrapped up this week in a style befitting such a prestigious pigskin pursuit...on a Tuesday night, deep in the Rust Belt, before a handful of freezing fans in a tiny stadium that forced ESPN camera positioning so odd that the whole contest appeared as if it was being conducted inside The Riddler's lair on an episode of the old Batman TV series. Northern Illinois was the victor over Toledo by a score, 63-60, that left my head spinning worse than the first time I heard "Hocus Pocus" by Focus and could only think...Is this Dutch?...oh it was...well that clears that up.
But I only bring this up because the victory almost certainly sets into motion the "Jinx of Northern Illinois" which I proudly uncovered in one of this sites first posts 'lo those many years ago. You see the Huskies have been to six bowls in their history and three are now dead including the California Raisin Bowl, the International Bowl and the Silicon Valley Bowl in which their matchup vs. tiny Troy of the Sun Belt in San Jose, California drew less fans than Casey Anthony did Trick-or-Treaters. Now word comes that Northern Illinois' last bowl stop, the 2010 Humanitarian Bowl, has tried to deny the postseason Reaper by changing it's name to the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl. So look out Beef 'O' Brady Restaurants, Carrier Air Conditioners, San Diego Credit Union, something called AdvoCare, Franklin American Mortgage and Hyundai Motors because Northern Illinois will be bowling again this year...and with conference tie-ins strangling your choices they may just be gunning for you.
And yes those are all names of 2011 Bowl games...what a classy time to be alive!
--To me the difference has always been negligible between wagering on the Kentucky Derby or a $2500 claimer at Freehold Raceway (open 3 days a week on the circle at Route 9 in lovely Freehold, N.J.). In fact most times I'd just rather watch the big event and wager on the inconsequential affair since the excitement of the former can stand on it's own, but the latter needs a little something in the way of rooting interest to enhance the ambiance of standing between two drunks and an old guy in a scooter watching something less than bastions of the equine form try to outrun the Elmer's truck. Nonetheless as the fringiest of fringe pundits I guess even I'm obliged at this point to offer an opinion on today's big matchup, Alabama-LSU.
Early in the week my first blush was to support the senior QBed Tigers who have wins over a similiar slate of SEC teams plus non-conference triumphs over the ranked duo of Oregon and West Virginia. However, further study has revealed that while Tide QB A.J. McCarron is only a sophmore he has acquitted himself at least equally as well as his more veteran counterpart Jarrett Lee statically speaking. In addition Bama has faced two solid early season challenges in Penn State on the road and Arkansas at home and came away with dominant wins in both. And while the Mountaineers and Ducks are seemingly bigger obstacles than the Nittany Lions and Razorbacks the fact is that LSU was dominated on the stat sheet in their efforts, even allowing 533 yards to West Virginia, and only shook off the pair in the second half due to a huge turnover advantage, something Nick Saban coached Tide teams tend to avoid.
Presently the line is at Alabama -5. They are home, but that still appears to be a lot for #2 to lay to a dominant #1. We've talked about traps the last two weeks. Of how decent teams like Washington and Kansas State getting big points seemed too good to be true only to see them get crushed SU and ATS. This doesn't seem quite as egregious still with the number easily up over a FG and approaching two FGs in some places it could find the squares coming down on the side of the Tigers. So our tepid opinion would be to Roll with the Tide, but our official play(s) will be below and we may just take a flier on Louisiana-Lafayette if their being televised today. Either way enjoy tonight's showdown.
I agree...LSU, my ass!
--The New York raised, Italian-American comedian Dom Irrea used to say that his relatives were the foremost proponents of the "qualifying statement". A phrase that supposedly precluded you from taking any offense with what they were about to say, as in "Don't take this the wrong way...but you're sister is a whore...whoa, whoa I told you not to take it the wrong way."
Similiarly when word got out almost two weeks ago that Georgia's top 3 RBs, Isahiah Crowell, Carlton Thomas and Ken Malcome, had failed drug tests HC Mark Richt and the Bulldog Athletic Director Greg McGarity fell back on their own qualifying statement, "Ongoing Investigation".
Apparently that "investigation" was being conducted right up and through Georgia's big SEC East showdown with Florida, thereby leaving the THC Trio eligible, and was miraculously concluded first thing Monday morning thus causing the players to be suspended for this week's game versus...New Mexico State.
Ah Richt and McGarity. They're like the Rizzoli & Isles of the NCAA and New Mexico State the equivalent of 5 minutes to go before the top of the hour. It's amazing how everything winds up in such a timely manner.
I've been performing my own "backdoor" investigation into the Georgia program...so to speak.
--Picks and I'm through. Since we've been faring much better on the pros we'll make one selection and go with our analysis. That is the idea that teams that have their heart ripped out in last second losses have trouble going on the road and finding the energy to play at their usual level. See Wisconsin at Ohio State last week after the bitter Hail Mary loss to Michigan State the week before. Under the radar Duke got reamed by a similiar late game long pass vs. in-state rival Wake Forest two weeks back. They managed to hang with Virginia Tech at home last week, but now travel to a rejuvenated Miami (FL). We'll take the 'Canes -15.5 and wait for a strong pro play or two tomorrow. Beer me!
Other weekly football cynicism can be found in the titles along the right. Also see "Something In The Way She Says Gamecocks" for Erin Andrews, Sara Walsh and the Babes of ESPN. Plus old school wrestling fun at the "Crimson Mask" and "Seminal Sluts" titles. Or just bounce around like Bluto sain Animal House, "don't cost nuthin'"
--So Kris Humphries claims Kim Kardashian's divorce filing came "out of the blue". Apparently he only uses the self-checkout and not the regular supermarket cashier lanes, I guess. And speaking of which have the women on the cover of Prevention magazine gotten hotter or am I really that old?
--Fact is the Kardashian/Humphries psuedo-nuptials raked in about $17M bucks yet barely lasted as long as the drum solo from "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida". So can we begin to stop with the elaborate weddings already. I've always viewed this like celebrating the victory before the game is played. Accomplish something first then throw your god-damned party. Wanna celebrate a Hollywood coupling how 'bout televising the 75th anniversary of Abe Vigoda and whatever dust queefing bag of bones he's been banging since the Truman Administration...Now there's a women who deserves a party.
--And lastly (I promise) enough with Kris Jenner trying to defend her daughter. The latest lament of how the press should mind their own business from a woman who stars on a show called Keeping Up With The Kardashians features her claiming Kim is not a Gold Digger and is "as comfortable shopping at Walmart as she is on Rodeo Drive." Yeah right...or to paraphrase Jim Florentine from VH1's That Metal Show, "I've been to several Walmarts and seen a lot of women with fat asses, but none of 'em looked like Kim Kardashian."
CFB NOTES
--I was once reprimanded by school administration after a student went home and told his parents that I was against wearing a seatbelt when driving because in the event of an accident I preferred to be "thrown clear". Since then I've always been sure to preface these slice of so-called Life sharing sessions with the caveat that kids should "do as I say and not as I do." On these pages, however, I thought my inelegantly, ignoble intent was clear: jokes/bad puns first, mammarian-ly magnified women second and selections, time permitting, third. Unfortunately fury over last week's 0-3 NCAA picking performance shows I may have underestimated people's desire to follow anyone with internet access and an opinion. So for last week's gridiron gambling gashing I apologize...not for the choices, but for not being more strenuous in my disclaimers.
That said I honestly believe there is plenty of useful handicapping advice herein. Overall our selections on the NFL/CFB are at exactly .500, but those who read between the lines and cull the occasional coherence from our analysis stand to be the big victors...though, really, you're all winners in my book (wait, am I still drunk from last night?).
As we mentioned in a previous NFL post we tend to theorize with the best of 'em, but when it comes time for the money to go down we have trouble sticking to our guns and silencing the outside noise. Case in point is last week where we analyzed the living Hell out of an overrated Kansas State team, bt then did not select Oklahoma because of public concern over their mental state following the Texas Tech loss. Similarly, we've been touting Tulsa for weeks (and threw a "lean" out on them last week), but after narrowly missing a play on them over UAB in a game they thoroughly dominated we jumped ship before they covered 3 straight (vs. Rice, SMU, UCF) against the spread instead deciding to hedge our bets with a Totals play in their game last week that, as a colleague recently told me of his marriage, was "not pretty guy."
So in the future if you see some excellent analysis not followed up by a selection on said squad feel free to recall the "do as he says, not as he does" mantra and go your own way. And as for not wearing a seatbelt just think next time you see an accident resulting in a car fire...who's safer now, huh!
Hopefully this eases the pain of that Arizona loser last week...--The Mid-American Conference West Division Title was all but wrapped up this week in a style befitting such a prestigious pigskin pursuit...on a Tuesday night, deep in the Rust Belt, before a handful of freezing fans in a tiny stadium that forced ESPN camera positioning so odd that the whole contest appeared as if it was being conducted inside The Riddler's lair on an episode of the old Batman TV series. Northern Illinois was the victor over Toledo by a score, 63-60, that left my head spinning worse than the first time I heard "Hocus Pocus" by Focus and could only think...Is this Dutch?...oh it was...well that clears that up.
But I only bring this up because the victory almost certainly sets into motion the "Jinx of Northern Illinois" which I proudly uncovered in one of this sites first posts 'lo those many years ago. You see the Huskies have been to six bowls in their history and three are now dead including the California Raisin Bowl, the International Bowl and the Silicon Valley Bowl in which their matchup vs. tiny Troy of the Sun Belt in San Jose, California drew less fans than Casey Anthony did Trick-or-Treaters. Now word comes that Northern Illinois' last bowl stop, the 2010 Humanitarian Bowl, has tried to deny the postseason Reaper by changing it's name to the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl. So look out Beef 'O' Brady Restaurants, Carrier Air Conditioners, San Diego Credit Union, something called AdvoCare, Franklin American Mortgage and Hyundai Motors because Northern Illinois will be bowling again this year...and with conference tie-ins strangling your choices they may just be gunning for you.
And yes those are all names of 2011 Bowl games...what a classy time to be alive!
--To me the difference has always been negligible between wagering on the Kentucky Derby or a $2500 claimer at Freehold Raceway (open 3 days a week on the circle at Route 9 in lovely Freehold, N.J.). In fact most times I'd just rather watch the big event and wager on the inconsequential affair since the excitement of the former can stand on it's own, but the latter needs a little something in the way of rooting interest to enhance the ambiance of standing between two drunks and an old guy in a scooter watching something less than bastions of the equine form try to outrun the Elmer's truck. Nonetheless as the fringiest of fringe pundits I guess even I'm obliged at this point to offer an opinion on today's big matchup, Alabama-LSU.
Early in the week my first blush was to support the senior QBed Tigers who have wins over a similiar slate of SEC teams plus non-conference triumphs over the ranked duo of Oregon and West Virginia. However, further study has revealed that while Tide QB A.J. McCarron is only a sophmore he has acquitted himself at least equally as well as his more veteran counterpart Jarrett Lee statically speaking. In addition Bama has faced two solid early season challenges in Penn State on the road and Arkansas at home and came away with dominant wins in both. And while the Mountaineers and Ducks are seemingly bigger obstacles than the Nittany Lions and Razorbacks the fact is that LSU was dominated on the stat sheet in their efforts, even allowing 533 yards to West Virginia, and only shook off the pair in the second half due to a huge turnover advantage, something Nick Saban coached Tide teams tend to avoid.
Presently the line is at Alabama -5. They are home, but that still appears to be a lot for #2 to lay to a dominant #1. We've talked about traps the last two weeks. Of how decent teams like Washington and Kansas State getting big points seemed too good to be true only to see them get crushed SU and ATS. This doesn't seem quite as egregious still with the number easily up over a FG and approaching two FGs in some places it could find the squares coming down on the side of the Tigers. So our tepid opinion would be to Roll with the Tide, but our official play(s) will be below and we may just take a flier on Louisiana-Lafayette if their being televised today. Either way enjoy tonight's showdown.
I agree...LSU, my ass!--The New York raised, Italian-American comedian Dom Irrea used to say that his relatives were the foremost proponents of the "qualifying statement". A phrase that supposedly precluded you from taking any offense with what they were about to say, as in "Don't take this the wrong way...but you're sister is a whore...whoa, whoa I told you not to take it the wrong way."
Similiarly when word got out almost two weeks ago that Georgia's top 3 RBs, Isahiah Crowell, Carlton Thomas and Ken Malcome, had failed drug tests HC Mark Richt and the Bulldog Athletic Director Greg McGarity fell back on their own qualifying statement, "Ongoing Investigation".
Apparently that "investigation" was being conducted right up and through Georgia's big SEC East showdown with Florida, thereby leaving the THC Trio eligible, and was miraculously concluded first thing Monday morning thus causing the players to be suspended for this week's game versus...New Mexico State.
Ah Richt and McGarity. They're like the Rizzoli & Isles of the NCAA and New Mexico State the equivalent of 5 minutes to go before the top of the hour. It's amazing how everything winds up in such a timely manner.
I've been performing my own "backdoor" investigation into the Georgia program...so to speak.--Picks and I'm through. Since we've been faring much better on the pros we'll make one selection and go with our analysis. That is the idea that teams that have their heart ripped out in last second losses have trouble going on the road and finding the energy to play at their usual level. See Wisconsin at Ohio State last week after the bitter Hail Mary loss to Michigan State the week before. Under the radar Duke got reamed by a similiar late game long pass vs. in-state rival Wake Forest two weeks back. They managed to hang with Virginia Tech at home last week, but now travel to a rejuvenated Miami (FL). We'll take the 'Canes -15.5 and wait for a strong pro play or two tomorrow. Beer me!
Other weekly football cynicism can be found in the titles along the right. Also see "Something In The Way She Says Gamecocks" for Erin Andrews, Sara Walsh and the Babes of ESPN. Plus old school wrestling fun at the "Crimson Mask" and "Seminal Sluts" titles. Or just bounce around like Bluto sain Animal House, "don't cost nuthin'"
Saturday, September 17, 2011
A Bad Liver And Some Random Thoughts
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