A Thief I Could Take, But A Liar! (CFB Notes)

--This week's Veterans Day celebration at our school, featuring over 400 retired and active service people, raised the question in my mind-why is every third VFW member required to look like Wilfred Brimley? But thanks and kudos to comely Captain Lisa Palmer USAF who spoke to my classes and whose attractiveness no doubt is helping save Military Recruiting from years of M*A*S*H reruns that convinced previous generations Hot Lips Houlihan was the best the services had to offer.

--Additionally like an Arab-American with a yen to become a Crop Duster I have no illusions about what I'm up against here. While the kind words and increasing readership has been nice I realize I have about as much chance of being the next Bill Simmons as Jerry Sandusky does of hosting the Kid's Choice Awards. Still I was a little dismayed when Google, as you will notice above, pulled the advertising thereby denying me at least the Dickensian wage I was working on. But that's fine. I plan to forge on anyway and who knows perhaps I can lure those "One Trick For A Full Night's Sleep" ads to the site because, though it's hard to see the connection, a few more big breasted women is certainly not going to weaken the war effort.

One of the "One Trick For A Full Night's Sleep" Models: This is why I never give my female students homework...sleep, girls, sleep...

CFB NOTES
--Years ago I dated a young, hot co-worker who grandiosely proclaimed her Grandfather pitched for the Boston Red Sox. When, after a couple dates, I lured her up to my apartment I did not lead amorously, but instead pulled out the 10,000 page Baseball Encyclopedia, one of the few tomes along with Churchill's Memoirs and the Oxford English Dictionary that actually outlasted my Father's post-Church/pre-Kickoff bathroom ablutions during my childhood. When I showed her that her Grandfather was not included therein she countered with, "Well not everyone, ever, is in that book", which prompted me to turn to Johnson Cin.-1887 AB: 1 R: 0 H: 0 2B: 0 3B: 0 HR: 0 RBI: 0 AVG.: .000 hometown: ? and state haughtily, "If he's in here then everyone's is!" Not realizing at that moment that that would be the only "Johnson" I'd be showing her that evening...or ever.
    The point is that Life is a series of games and every decision is "Game Sensitive". In the above case I had no "game" and should've been sensitive of that. Alabama HC Nick Saban, too, had a game and decisions to deal with last Saturday, but his "sensitivity" was akin to that of a Gallagher encore.
    After missing a 34 yd FG on their first drive Bama then attempted, and missed badly, two kicks, 49 and 50 yards, that are bombs by college standards particularly in a high pressure game. Hard and unpopular as it may be it appeared, with the Crimson dominating defensively at the time, that Saban would've been wiser to punt and hope to pin LSU deep and play a field position game that, with a 3 and out, could've yielded better opportunities in their next possessions.
    Certainly all this is speculative and relatively easy from the comfort of my coach, but big bucks means big decisions. If Saban had been more "game sensitive" he might have concluded that in a projected defensive struggle (the O/U was in the low 40's) yards might be more important than the risky points. Even if only one of the punts was downed inside the 10/5 it could've resulted in a field position driven TD or chip shot FG that could've turned the game.
    Point is Nick Saban didn't necessarily lose this game for the Tide (more Les Miles QB move and imagination won it), but neither did his kickers. Three of their four misses were low percentage kicks and two probably shouldn't have been tried at all. Still it was a great game between truly the two best teams in the Nation. Nick and the Boys may yet get a shot at the National Title standing currently at #3 in the BCS, but the chances for me with another nubile, young hottie are long gone...and not just due to the terms of my probation. So stay "sensitive" my friends.

--Listen, despite the cynicism herein fact is I wanna believe in something as much as the next guy...unless of course the next guy is Episcopalian since I'm not ready to accept Joe Piscopo as my Lord and Savior just yet. That is what they believe, right? But the one thing I will not believe in is the moral infallibility of anyone in the Major College FB/BB coaching profession.
    Awhile back we referenced the 1970's expose Caught In The Net by former Clemson BB coach and convicted NCAA rules violator Tates Locke who summed up the big time athletics dilemma eloquently when he stated, "I realized it was either cheat or lose and I just got tired of losing."
    Indeed try as you might to occupy the moral high ground folks like Jim Tressel, Dennis Erickson, John Calipari and Bob Huggins are gonna make you into a martyr the likes of which could make Joan of Arc look like Sammy "The Bull" Gravano turning state's evidence.
    Therefore I have little doubt that Joe Paterno's firing is much deserved. By dint of starting his career 46 years ago Paterno is, I'm sure, much cleaner and done much more for kids over the years than guys who entered the biz more recently. Still even an icon of his stature is not free from the pressures inherent in today's money-first CFB landscape. After a few sketchy seasons in the 2000's he was forced to participate in a power struggle to save his job. This coincidentally coincided with a string of arrests that culminated in a 2008 ESPN Outside The Lines investigation that revealed that Paterno had shielded 46 FB players from over 163 charges over a 5 year period by convincing the authorities that the matters were being handled internally. The expose closes with a parent of a PSU student who was severely beaten by a gang of players saying that all he wanted was not criminal convictions, but simply an apology from Paterno. He's still waiting.
    The writers at CollegeFootball News.com staged a Point/CounterPoint debate on Paterno's firing yesterday and while no one called the other an ignorant slut it did prove how difficult it is to believe Paterno is clean in this whole affair. The argument in favor of keeping JoePa coming down to the idea that if after reporting the McQuery matter to the AD he was told an investigation had cleared Sandusky he would be exonerated from any further wrongdoing. But one must ask why if this were the case was Paterno, or someone on his behalf, not trumpeting that news to the masses.
   Paterno was a God in Happy Valley and dictated to all and sundry in that manner. But his was a Kingdom, like so many others, predicated on winning and revenue generation; graduation rates and general morality be damned. To think that Paterno helped brush this matter under the carpet and even was instrumental in getting Sandusky back in the facility where he could keep an eye on him is in no way a leap. In fact for anyone who has followed big time College athletics down into it's current ethical morass this seems like the only logical explanation. We'll almost certainly never know the real truth, but if there is such a thing as guilt by association, then if he wanted to preserve his legacy, Joe Paterno shoulda got outta this business long ago.

Seriously Jerry Sandusky...weren't checking out co-eds and curiously long showers enough for you at this point.

--There's an idea that things that haven't occurred in a long time are "due". If that's the case then I should be bedding down a women at any moment now. And if this theory holds true my advice to her would be "bring a helmet" because I'm so "due" I could knock a lamp off the nightstand. The morning after looking like Dealey Plaza as the paramedics try to figure out like a Larry Flynt sponsored Warren Commission, "did the shot go in through the temple and come out through the back...or were they doing it doggy-style".
    If you're thoroughly nauseous at this point then let's bring things back to the original point which is if anyone was ever "due" to not cover the spread it's Stanford. Going back to 2010 the Cardinal has covered 14 straight games an unprecedented streak though were not sure how far back record keeping of this sort really goes. A few weeks back Washington was a popular dog against the Luck Bunch, but was annihilated easily both ATS and SU. Since then they've covered 2 more vs. USC (barely) and Oregon State meaning bookmakers have to be taking it on the chin like a bound Helen Keller giving fellatio as the bandwagon fills up.
    Today they're at home giving 3.5 to Oregon. The Ducks are always better in Eugene so this line actually seems a little low. OU has faced LSU, Cal and #18 Arizona State while Stanford has taken on no one short of USC who they struggled past in 3 OTs after forcing the extra time with a TD with only 51 seconds remaining. Maybe this then is the week the books try to burn the people and recoup their losses. We're no big fans of Oregon on the road and have all the respect for Stanford's vertical game, but all good things must come to an end. So if you like to have a little something riding on the big TV, marquee matchup consider the Ducks...they just might be due (our official picks are below).

Frankly that looks painful, but who am I not to ask her if I can borrow a pencil?

--Quick Hits: Speaking of "due" did Oklahoma State's defense get exposed Saturday night against a generally one-dimensional Kansas State team that put up 276 yards rushing and 507 overall in Stillwater? Now they're no Tuesday Night Toledo, but I've heard of GHB-ed girls that put up more resistance than that. Today they face an up and down Texas Tech in Lubbock and with their stock rising to #2 in the BCS the points (+20) could be enticing...And speaking of Toledo what's with HC Tim Beckman declaring that any player not 10 minutes early to a meeting is punished? Did this guy play guitar in Spinal Tap before getting into coaching? I could almost hear Rob Reiner's psuedo-documentarian Marty DiBergi asking him, "why don't you just start the meeting at 8:50 instead of 9 and punish anyone not there on time?" But I'm afraid the answer would be it, "but it goes to 11."...And finally the Sioux Indian Tribe is suing North Dakota University over their nickname the Fighting Sioux. I've never understood this really. Teams take on a nickname because they believe it represents pride and strength. I mean you don't see the Ostriches or the Fightin' Jm J. Bullocks out there anywhere do you. So alright maybe the Redskins and Cleveland's Chief Wahoo could do with a little tweaking, but hey if this works look out Michigan State and San Jose State Spartans Greece might just see this as a way out of their debt situation.

I've fought it all these years, but maybe DisneyLand really is "Where Dreams Come True".

--We wrote out a list of 10 games we like today. We've alluded to a few of them here, but for our official play we're going to take the easy way out and say no way Penn State can overcome the surrounding turmoil to be mentally ready to play today. Try Nebraska -3 though we wish the Nittany Lions were up against a less Scizophrenic squad in this one.

The Lonliness Of The Long Distance Drunkard

    To say I hate everything and everyone would be an understatement...I hate things and people that haven't even been invented/born yet. Case in point the "Drug Awareness Week" celebration which was sprung on us out of the blue last Friday and at first flush seemed completely superfluous. I mean considering our school is known throughout the county as "Heroin High" I assumed the kids were already "aware" of drugs (In a brief aside my High School growing up, Livingston HS, was known throughout its county as "Living-stein" due to such a preponderance of Jewish students that the first day of classes it was hard to tell if the teacher was reading from the Attendance Roll or reciting Schindler's List...but I digress).
    No, this fedrally sponsored waste, which apparently was not designed by the guy who posted a Marijuana Leaf sign in my college dorm lobby that read "This Is A School-Free Drug Zone", is intended to alert kids to the evils of drugs and how to avoid them. It began Monday with "Backwards Day" where students and faculty were encouraged to wear their clothes backwards as an incentive to "Turn Your Back On Drugs". First off I assumed the reverse clothes idea had been put to rest with the demise of the pre-pubescent rappers KrissKross ("Jump") and second I can say from experience that turning your back on drugs is not the "wiggity-wiggity-whack" way to have them administered; or as the late comic Buddy Hackett said after being violated with the dreaded Barium Enema, "they shoved so much chalky stuff up my ass the first time I farted I shot a white line to Pittsburgh."
    This was followed by "Shade Yourself From Drugs" day where faculty members were told to wear sunglasses to school which ironically made us, strolling into work at 7 A.M., appear as if we just stumbled out of Spicoli's van after a night at a Phish concert. Wednesday was old school "Say No To Drugs" day, a program even my mother was against in the '80s preferring instead "Say No, Thank You To Drugs" as she felt there's no reason not to be polite. And as for the rest of the week I'm not really sure since I chose to remain blissfully above the fray courtesy of Percoset, the adult/urine test passing answer to that 4:20 itch.
   Here's football...

CFB Notes
--Trying to stay atop the current conference hopping craze is like trying to keep up with the third Stooge (Curly? Shemp? Joe Besser? Curly Joe?) or determine what band Paul Rodgers is singing for (is it Free, Bad Company, The Firm, Queen...). Frankly who gives a crap until the dust settles and besides if it's big time College sports then we know it's all about one thing...the Money.
    This all began once the Big 12 and SEC expanded and started raking in the bucks on a primetime, nationally televised Conference Championship game. Soon the race was on with the ACC expanding to the required 12 teams and even Conference USA and the MAC getting in on the act. This year the conference formerly known as the Big 10 and the Pac 12 cannonballed into the money pool with the latter reaching the requisite 12 by taking home Utah and even God-awful Colorado just before closing time in the football equivalent of Elton John-sized Beer Goggles.
    The saddest case of all, however, is the Big East. As if sending Conneticut to the Fiesta Bowl last year to get hammered by Oklahoma wasn't bad enough for this red headed step-child of the Big 6 conferences it's now been announced that one of the BE's 2 ranked teams, (25) West Virginia, is headed to the Big 12. A move that has left the rest of the conference more lost than members of No Doubt when Gwen Stefani went solo (hey an actual music reference from the past two decades, who said we weren't topical). On the bright side though Louisville is staying and Big East officials have announced they are courting Army and Navy as part of their new look re-alignment; or in other words "Thanks for coming to the party Big East, this is Sidney, Jugdish, Mohammed...oh, you met already...Super!"

Really? They're the Ducks? Because I'm seeing Beaver here!?!

--With the losses by Oklahoma and Wisconsin last week 7-0 Kansas State has vaulted to #8 in the nation and would seem to have a stranglehold on at least winding up in the Big 12 Championship Game come December. But folks in the "other" Manhattan are taking things a step further believing their Cinderella squad is the right size to where the glass slipper all the way to the Big BCS Ball. Considering they slid by Eastern Kentucky 10-7, their biggest win is a one point squeaker at home over defensively deficient Baylor and their QB Collin Klein averages a mere 133 ypg thru the air we're not sold. In fact let us be the first to say that you'll find us in a bus depot bathroom with a dozen c*cks in our ass like the fantail of a peacock before you see the Wildcats sweep their next 4 (against Oklahoma, Oklahoma St., Texas A&M and Texas) plus the Conference Championship and BCS title game and take the National championship. Alright maybe we're the only ones who would say it quite that way, but hopefully our point is taken. KSU has over-achieved courtesy of a mediocre schedule and a +5 in close wins (games decided by 7 points or less) a stat that our NFL posts has proven is a tell-tale sign of a lucky squad.
    Question is does Oklahoma's loss to Texas Tech last week help or hurt when looking at this from a pointspread perspective. Will the Sooners be flat after having their perfect season spoiled? Does Bob Stoops rally his troops after a loss? Is there really dissension and finger pointing, as reported, in the Okie lockerroom? Our research this week has been inconclusive, not to mention incoherent. However, we do know that Oklahoma is the more talented team, that they can go vertical on offense and are much better defending the run than the pass which plays well against a mostly grounded Kansas State attack. The number is at Oklahoma -13.5 which, considering the game is in Manhattan, would appear to be a KSU trap for the squares similiar to the Washington +21 trap we analyzed last week. Picks are below, but this just might be the week that something gives in this whole crazy Stanford/Clemson/Kansas State pointspread/outright winning streak.

--As a grade schooler in the '70's/'80s the only thing that provided as many hours of Study Hall fun as a triangular paper football was the original 1500 page, pulp edition of The Guiness Book of World Records. Even if pithy, British humor like the caption under the picture of the 8-foot something World's Tallest Man standing next to his 5'11'' father that read "David is the one wearing the glasses" was lost on us there were still plenty of freaks to enjoy. Everyone's favorite was the overall wearing World's Fattest Man Robert Earl Hughes who weighed 1100 pounds and, we were told for some reason, had to be buried in a piano case. Years later Jerry Seinfeld did a bit where he recalled staring at Mr. Hughes' picture and thinking "this guy could lose 400 pounds and he'd still weigh 700 pounds...whaddya say if you're his friend 'hey Bob lost weight? You look like a rail!'"
    In other words it's possible for things to get so bad that it's virtually impossible, no matter the Herculean effort exerted, to turn them around. One example that springs to mind in College Football is the program at Eastern Michigan. Sure people who go back far enough can point to Kansas State and Northwestern as schools that rose from the seeming dead to be viable major conference programs, but the increased conference sharing revenue these schools received during the cable sports explosion of the past few decades helped fuel their rise and a more egalitarian major conference world overall. Toiling in the MAC EMU does not enjoy such an advantage.
    The Eagles had only one winning season in the last 21 (1995) and for the past 15 have not produced more than 4 wins in a season despite the schedule expanding to 12 games for more than half those years. Nonetheless they put lines on these games and while it's always a "back door" crap shoot to bet against such a team and lay 35-40 there are opportunities, if you can spy a turn around early enough, to cash in on these squads. Third year EMU coach Ron English my be leading just such a revival. His use of an approach employed most recently by Greg Schiano at Rutgers in which you start from the ground up by upgrading facilities, strength and conditioning, speed and overall organization even at the cost of few losing seasons is finally starting to pay dividends. Eastern is 4-2 ATS this year including two outright wins as a double digit dog in their last two games. Today they're off, but keep an eye open as they get the victory-challenged trio of Ball State, Buffalo and Kent State following the bye.
**Also note North Texas under disgraced former Iowa State coach and noted wife beater Dan McCarney also falls into this category...5-3 ATS on the year.

It's never too early to start thinking about a #1 vs. #2 matchup...

--Picks: We always like a good coaching mismatch and none looks bigger today than Joe Paterno vs. Ron Zook. So how 'bout Penn State -5 to kick off things off. Then later a rejuvenated Arizona and QB Nick Foles despite the "streaker suspensions" +4 over Washington and despite our totals burning of last week on SMU were gonna get back on the proverbial horse with Tulsa/SMU over 58 (with a lean toward Tulsa -2.5 as well). You crazy kids enjoy the games, dammit!

Not going to fill the Sally Field role in The Flying Nun remake, but if they ever shoot The Floating Nun she's got a decent shot.

NFL tomorrow...Old school wrestling, Mets bashing, the Girls of ESPN with Erin Andrews and more throughout the site. Like Pesci and Dangerfield in Easy Money feel free to be a "browser".