Life...You'd Think It Caught Me Sleeping With Its Wife

    Wow, Thanksgiving...a whole day of eating, drinking and football. Hell if it wasn't for all that giving thanks crap it would be perfect. But now, for the last weekly CFB post of the year, I return to my usual miserable, ungrateful self...ah, that just feels right.
    And as for those people who asked if I had a good Thanksgiving I can barely drag my cream cheese white ass off the couch to do things with my friends-people I choose to be with. What makes you think I'd enjoy spending time with my family?
    Then again it's always nice to hear stories about how my Great-Grandfather had his own business as a Cooper-gee, thanks for that legacy...were all the Buggy Whip franchises taken? Or to sit around with enough Gin Blossoms to start a Clown College and be regaled with stories of the old AFL, a league which NFL Films has taught me never saw a no-look, over the shoulder lateral they wouldn't throw and often played their games accompanied by the soundtrack from The Benny Hill Show for some reason. But now let's bring this pile of penurious puns and busty bimbos to a close...

CFB NOTES
--The annual Coaching Carousel has been fired up and several schools have already made their grab for the (br)Ass ring. Former West Virginia coach Rich Rodriguez has landed the Arizona job, ex-Texas Tech player-beater Mike Leach is reported to be locked in for New Mexico and in a move reminiscent of that old Twilight Zone inspired dream of having tomorrow's newspaper Urban Meyer is the new Head Coach of Ohio State as of approximately 3:15 P.M. today.
    Obviously it's business as usual in the Athletic Departments of the FBS, but before Arizona Wildcat fans start doing cartwheels over the hiring of Rodriguez they may want to gird themselves for some tough times. You see Richie R. runs a unique spread option attack that demands speed over strength even along the offensive line. At West Virginia his first season saw the school go from 7-5 under Don Nehlen to 3-8 as Rodriguez tried to make due with personnel that did not fit his scheme. Similiarly at Michigan his first year saw a drop from 9-4 to 3-9 as the dropback passers and road grader lineman of the Lloyd Carr era struggled in the new system. In fact in his 10 years at West Virginia and Michigan R-Rod had 7 winning seasons and in each his teams ran the ball more than 70% of the time as opposed to under 60% in his 3 losing years.
    Rodriguez did not find his mojo at either school until he was able to upgrade the overall team speed and find mobile, option QBs like Rasheed Marshall, Pat White and Denard Robinson to run his O. At Arizona it may be more of the same as passing QB Nick Foles has reigned under center for 3 years. Backup Matt Scott, who'll be a senior next year, is more of a runner, but has woefully little experience.
    So temper those expectations in the desert for now and remember in addition to the slow starts at WVU and UM Rodriguez also turned in a 1-7-1 in his inaugural season at NAIA Glenville State and a 2-8 at tiny Salem College after which they dropped the football program. Hopefully things won't get that desperate in Tucson.

--New reports have come out recently indicating that due to tough economic times Sperm Banks are reducing or eliminating altogether payment for samples which means those towels and old socks that are "standing up" in the back of my closet no longer constitute a valid retirement plan.
    Of course this isn't the first time I've been wrong on a grand scale. From the Crystal Pepsi/clear cola "revolution" to The Knack being bigger than The Beatles to Kevin Costner as a Triple Threat (act-ee, no writ-ee, no direct-ee, just act-ee) I've swung and missed worse than Anthony Perkins in Fear Strikes Out on a number of occasions. So if you had Tulsa plus the FG yesterday my apologies.
    Houston yesterday proved that a hot QB can overcome all and could very well end up in a BCS bowl. Their chance at crashing the National Championship party, however is about as good as those Acid Wash jeans in my dresser making a comeback. Even if they beat unranked Southern Miss in the CUSA Conference Title game their strength of schedule will kill them in the computer-generated component of the BCS rankings. Which means we very likely could be seeing...

Oklahoma State girl who begs the question what's going on at College campuses and when's it gonna trickle down to the High School level?

--An Alabama-LSU rematch for the National Title. The Bayou Bengals win yesterday means all they need to do is beat a thoroughly underwhelming Georgia in the SEC Title tilt to punch they're ticket. If Bama in turn beats #25 Auburn today they will solidify their hold on #2 perhaps enough to stand off any challenges from the three one loss teams-Oklahoma State, Stanford and Virginia Tech.
    For those trying to keep score Okie State is hurt by Oklahoma's loss to Baylor and the defection of Colorado and Nebraska from the conference leaving the formerly Big 12 without enough teams to hold a conference championship game this year. Stanford still must negotiate Notre Dame, but then will not get another game in the Pac-12 Title tilt if Oregon beats Oregon State in The Civil War. Though whether or not an upset takes place neither the Ducks nor the Cardinal (note: I'm not missing an "s" they're named after a color so as not to offend PETA, I assume) will benefit from playing potentially 6-6 UCLA who somehow won the South Division (thanks Pete Carroll for that USC probation). And finally Virginia Tech might have the best chance to leapfrog everyone if they can beat a defensively tough Virginia and then Clemson in the ACC title game. Of course a Clemson loss to South Carolina today would diminish that potential win and now before I start sounding like Professor Irwin Corey let's move on...

Maybe having UCLA around for an extra game won't be terrible...and as for those uniforms, I agree, underwear's for sissies...

    Bottom line is Alabama's not winning their division is no impediment to their making the BCS Title Game and in the case of Nebraska in 2001 it was actually a benefit. Just like David Bowie's being married to a man it is unsurprising to find out that Nebraska that year owed its 11-0 start to an easy slate that featured only three games away from Lincoln and those vs. the 3 worst teams in the Big 12...what's that David Bowie's married to Imam, a fashion model...well that's kinda surprising. But back to the Cornhuskers they rolled into #14 Colorado on Thanksgiving weekend, got exposed 62-36 by the Buffaloes and missed out on the Conference Championship game which turned out to be a blessing for instead of taking another beating from a one loss Texas squad they sat home and watched as Colorado beat the Longhorns and Tennessee beat the other major one loss school Florida putting them in the BCS title game against undefeated Miami (FL).
    The case of the Crimson Tide is not that egregious. Alabama has handled everyone on their sked including Arkansas and Penn State with ease and only lost to LSU in OT. Still many felt that battle of FGs had all the excitement of an Amish Barn Raising and would rather see a more wide open attack like Oklahoma State or Oregon get a crack at the Baton Rougers. Unfortunately our money's on a Tide-Tiger rematch, but don't lose hope for as the recent Ohio Amish-sect beard cutting episode has proven sometimes these guys can party like it's 1899!

--The final picks...mercifully. If you've been going against these selections, God bless. If you've been playing on them...oh, who am I kidding that ship sailed long ago. Still I like today's duo more than usual so use your judgement. First when Jim Tressel arrived in Columbus he made his #1 priority beating Michigan which he did every year going back to 2003. Consequently first year Michigan coach Brady Hoke was forced to make a similiar proclamation of rivalry focus upon his hiring and now's time to fulfill his promise. In Hoke's favor is the ignominious departures of Tressel and star QB Terrell Pryor that has left the Buckeyes a shadow of those teams that dominated the Wolverines for nearly a decade. As every new woman who's slept with me could tell OSU fans frustration makes for an ugly bedfellow. so with that in mind Michigan appears ready to blow a load that'd make Dr. Arnold Kegel (yes, there's a real guy) proud so we'll take the Wolverines -7.5 and if you can get that "buy the hook" down to -7 just to be safe. And in our other play let's take a shot with Minnesota +11 vs. Illinois for the Old Oaken Bucket or Synthetic Dildo or whatever they play for in this series. Pete Fiutak of College Football News has called it his Lock of the Year and that's a whole lot better than anything we've come up with recently.
    That's all, but check back for further CFB commentary, selections and campus hotties as the weeks roll on. The best way to keep up is by becoming a Follower here or doing the same @sprtcom102 on Twitter or at the "Bowling Til' It Hurts" page on FaceBook. This one's for you mugs...

Hygiene, people, if you take nothing away from here, but that....

The Lonliness Of The Long Distance Drunkard

    To say I hate everything and everyone would be an understatement...I hate things and people that haven't even been invented/born yet. Case in point the "Drug Awareness Week" celebration which was sprung on us out of the blue last Friday and at first flush seemed completely superfluous. I mean considering our school is known throughout the county as "Heroin High" I assumed the kids were already "aware" of drugs (In a brief aside my High School growing up, Livingston HS, was known throughout its county as "Living-stein" due to such a preponderance of Jewish students that the first day of classes it was hard to tell if the teacher was reading from the Attendance Roll or reciting Schindler's List...but I digress).
    No, this fedrally sponsored waste, which apparently was not designed by the guy who posted a Marijuana Leaf sign in my college dorm lobby that read "This Is A School-Free Drug Zone", is intended to alert kids to the evils of drugs and how to avoid them. It began Monday with "Backwards Day" where students and faculty were encouraged to wear their clothes backwards as an incentive to "Turn Your Back On Drugs". First off I assumed the reverse clothes idea had been put to rest with the demise of the pre-pubescent rappers KrissKross ("Jump") and second I can say from experience that turning your back on drugs is not the "wiggity-wiggity-whack" way to have them administered; or as the late comic Buddy Hackett said after being violated with the dreaded Barium Enema, "they shoved so much chalky stuff up my ass the first time I farted I shot a white line to Pittsburgh."
    This was followed by "Shade Yourself From Drugs" day where faculty members were told to wear sunglasses to school which ironically made us, strolling into work at 7 A.M., appear as if we just stumbled out of Spicoli's van after a night at a Phish concert. Wednesday was old school "Say No To Drugs" day, a program even my mother was against in the '80s preferring instead "Say No, Thank You To Drugs" as she felt there's no reason not to be polite. And as for the rest of the week I'm not really sure since I chose to remain blissfully above the fray courtesy of Percoset, the adult/urine test passing answer to that 4:20 itch.
   Here's football...

CFB Notes
--Trying to stay atop the current conference hopping craze is like trying to keep up with the third Stooge (Curly? Shemp? Joe Besser? Curly Joe?) or determine what band Paul Rodgers is singing for (is it Free, Bad Company, The Firm, Queen...). Frankly who gives a crap until the dust settles and besides if it's big time College sports then we know it's all about one thing...the Money.
    This all began once the Big 12 and SEC expanded and started raking in the bucks on a primetime, nationally televised Conference Championship game. Soon the race was on with the ACC expanding to the required 12 teams and even Conference USA and the MAC getting in on the act. This year the conference formerly known as the Big 10 and the Pac 12 cannonballed into the money pool with the latter reaching the requisite 12 by taking home Utah and even God-awful Colorado just before closing time in the football equivalent of Elton John-sized Beer Goggles.
    The saddest case of all, however, is the Big East. As if sending Conneticut to the Fiesta Bowl last year to get hammered by Oklahoma wasn't bad enough for this red headed step-child of the Big 6 conferences it's now been announced that one of the BE's 2 ranked teams, (25) West Virginia, is headed to the Big 12. A move that has left the rest of the conference more lost than members of No Doubt when Gwen Stefani went solo (hey an actual music reference from the past two decades, who said we weren't topical). On the bright side though Louisville is staying and Big East officials have announced they are courting Army and Navy as part of their new look re-alignment; or in other words "Thanks for coming to the party Big East, this is Sidney, Jugdish, Mohammed...oh, you met already...Super!"

Really? They're the Ducks? Because I'm seeing Beaver here!?!

--With the losses by Oklahoma and Wisconsin last week 7-0 Kansas State has vaulted to #8 in the nation and would seem to have a stranglehold on at least winding up in the Big 12 Championship Game come December. But folks in the "other" Manhattan are taking things a step further believing their Cinderella squad is the right size to where the glass slipper all the way to the Big BCS Ball. Considering they slid by Eastern Kentucky 10-7, their biggest win is a one point squeaker at home over defensively deficient Baylor and their QB Collin Klein averages a mere 133 ypg thru the air we're not sold. In fact let us be the first to say that you'll find us in a bus depot bathroom with a dozen c*cks in our ass like the fantail of a peacock before you see the Wildcats sweep their next 4 (against Oklahoma, Oklahoma St., Texas A&M and Texas) plus the Conference Championship and BCS title game and take the National championship. Alright maybe we're the only ones who would say it quite that way, but hopefully our point is taken. KSU has over-achieved courtesy of a mediocre schedule and a +5 in close wins (games decided by 7 points or less) a stat that our NFL posts has proven is a tell-tale sign of a lucky squad.
    Question is does Oklahoma's loss to Texas Tech last week help or hurt when looking at this from a pointspread perspective. Will the Sooners be flat after having their perfect season spoiled? Does Bob Stoops rally his troops after a loss? Is there really dissension and finger pointing, as reported, in the Okie lockerroom? Our research this week has been inconclusive, not to mention incoherent. However, we do know that Oklahoma is the more talented team, that they can go vertical on offense and are much better defending the run than the pass which plays well against a mostly grounded Kansas State attack. The number is at Oklahoma -13.5 which, considering the game is in Manhattan, would appear to be a KSU trap for the squares similiar to the Washington +21 trap we analyzed last week. Picks are below, but this just might be the week that something gives in this whole crazy Stanford/Clemson/Kansas State pointspread/outright winning streak.

--As a grade schooler in the '70's/'80s the only thing that provided as many hours of Study Hall fun as a triangular paper football was the original 1500 page, pulp edition of The Guiness Book of World Records. Even if pithy, British humor like the caption under the picture of the 8-foot something World's Tallest Man standing next to his 5'11'' father that read "David is the one wearing the glasses" was lost on us there were still plenty of freaks to enjoy. Everyone's favorite was the overall wearing World's Fattest Man Robert Earl Hughes who weighed 1100 pounds and, we were told for some reason, had to be buried in a piano case. Years later Jerry Seinfeld did a bit where he recalled staring at Mr. Hughes' picture and thinking "this guy could lose 400 pounds and he'd still weigh 700 pounds...whaddya say if you're his friend 'hey Bob lost weight? You look like a rail!'"
    In other words it's possible for things to get so bad that it's virtually impossible, no matter the Herculean effort exerted, to turn them around. One example that springs to mind in College Football is the program at Eastern Michigan. Sure people who go back far enough can point to Kansas State and Northwestern as schools that rose from the seeming dead to be viable major conference programs, but the increased conference sharing revenue these schools received during the cable sports explosion of the past few decades helped fuel their rise and a more egalitarian major conference world overall. Toiling in the MAC EMU does not enjoy such an advantage.
    The Eagles had only one winning season in the last 21 (1995) and for the past 15 have not produced more than 4 wins in a season despite the schedule expanding to 12 games for more than half those years. Nonetheless they put lines on these games and while it's always a "back door" crap shoot to bet against such a team and lay 35-40 there are opportunities, if you can spy a turn around early enough, to cash in on these squads. Third year EMU coach Ron English my be leading just such a revival. His use of an approach employed most recently by Greg Schiano at Rutgers in which you start from the ground up by upgrading facilities, strength and conditioning, speed and overall organization even at the cost of few losing seasons is finally starting to pay dividends. Eastern is 4-2 ATS this year including two outright wins as a double digit dog in their last two games. Today they're off, but keep an eye open as they get the victory-challenged trio of Ball State, Buffalo and Kent State following the bye.
**Also note North Texas under disgraced former Iowa State coach and noted wife beater Dan McCarney also falls into this category...5-3 ATS on the year.

It's never too early to start thinking about a #1 vs. #2 matchup...

--Picks: We always like a good coaching mismatch and none looks bigger today than Joe Paterno vs. Ron Zook. So how 'bout Penn State -5 to kick off things off. Then later a rejuvenated Arizona and QB Nick Foles despite the "streaker suspensions" +4 over Washington and despite our totals burning of last week on SMU were gonna get back on the proverbial horse with Tulsa/SMU over 58 (with a lean toward Tulsa -2.5 as well). You crazy kids enjoy the games, dammit!

Not going to fill the Sally Field role in The Flying Nun remake, but if they ever shoot The Floating Nun she's got a decent shot.

NFL tomorrow...Old school wrestling, Mets bashing, the Girls of ESPN with Erin Andrews and more throughout the site. Like Pesci and Dangerfield in Easy Money feel free to be a "browser".