And as for those people who asked if I had a good Thanksgiving I can barely drag my cream cheese white ass off the couch to do things with my friends-people I choose to be with. What makes you think I'd enjoy spending time with my family?
Then again it's always nice to hear stories about how my Great-Grandfather had his own business as a Cooper-gee, thanks for that legacy...were all the Buggy Whip franchises taken? Or to sit around with enough Gin Blossoms to start a Clown College and be regaled with stories of the old AFL, a league which NFL Films has taught me never saw a no-look, over the shoulder lateral they wouldn't throw and often played their games accompanied by the soundtrack from The Benny Hill Show for some reason. But now let's bring this pile of penurious puns and busty bimbos to a close...
CFB NOTES
--The annual Coaching Carousel has been fired up and several schools have already made their grab for the (br)Ass ring. Former West Virginia coach Rich Rodriguez has landed the Arizona job, ex-Texas Tech player-beater Mike Leach is reported to be locked in for New Mexico and in a move reminiscent of that old Twilight Zone inspired dream of having tomorrow's newspaper Urban Meyer is the new Head Coach of Ohio State as of approximately 3:15 P.M. today.
Obviously it's business as usual in the Athletic Departments of the FBS, but before Arizona Wildcat fans start doing cartwheels over the hiring of Rodriguez they may want to gird themselves for some tough times. You see Richie R. runs a unique spread option attack that demands speed over strength even along the offensive line. At West Virginia his first season saw the school go from 7-5 under Don Nehlen to 3-8 as Rodriguez tried to make due with personnel that did not fit his scheme. Similiarly at Michigan his first year saw a drop from 9-4 to 3-9 as the dropback passers and road grader lineman of the Lloyd Carr era struggled in the new system. In fact in his 10 years at West Virginia and Michigan R-Rod had 7 winning seasons and in each his teams ran the ball more than 70% of the time as opposed to under 60% in his 3 losing years.
Rodriguez did not find his mojo at either school until he was able to upgrade the overall team speed and find mobile, option QBs like Rasheed Marshall, Pat White and Denard Robinson to run his O. At Arizona it may be more of the same as passing QB Nick Foles has reigned under center for 3 years. Backup Matt Scott, who'll be a senior next year, is more of a runner, but has woefully little experience.
So temper those expectations in the desert for now and remember in addition to the slow starts at WVU and UM Rodriguez also turned in a 1-7-1 in his inaugural season at NAIA Glenville State and a 2-8 at tiny Salem College after which they dropped the football program. Hopefully things won't get that desperate in Tucson.
--New reports have come out recently indicating that due to tough economic times Sperm Banks are reducing or eliminating altogether payment for samples which means those towels and old socks that are "standing up" in the back of my closet no longer constitute a valid retirement plan.
Of course this isn't the first time I've been wrong on a grand scale. From the Crystal Pepsi/clear cola "revolution" to The Knack being bigger than The Beatles to Kevin Costner as a Triple Threat (act-ee, no writ-ee, no direct-ee, just act-ee) I've swung and missed worse than Anthony Perkins in Fear Strikes Out on a number of occasions. So if you had Tulsa plus the FG yesterday my apologies.
Houston yesterday proved that a hot QB can overcome all and could very well end up in a BCS bowl. Their chance at crashing the National Championship party, however is about as good as those Acid Wash jeans in my dresser making a comeback. Even if they beat unranked Southern Miss in the CUSA Conference Title game their strength of schedule will kill them in the computer-generated component of the BCS rankings. Which means we very likely could be seeing...
Oklahoma State girl who begs the question what's going on at College campuses and when's it gonna trickle down to the High School level?--An Alabama-LSU rematch for the National Title. The Bayou Bengals win yesterday means all they need to do is beat a thoroughly underwhelming Georgia in the SEC Title tilt to punch they're ticket. If Bama in turn beats #25 Auburn today they will solidify their hold on #2 perhaps enough to stand off any challenges from the three one loss teams-Oklahoma State, Stanford and Virginia Tech.
For those trying to keep score Okie State is hurt by Oklahoma's loss to Baylor and the defection of Colorado and Nebraska from the conference leaving the formerly Big 12 without enough teams to hold a conference championship game this year. Stanford still must negotiate Notre Dame, but then will not get another game in the Pac-12 Title tilt if Oregon beats Oregon State in The Civil War. Though whether or not an upset takes place neither the Ducks nor the Cardinal (note: I'm not missing an "s" they're named after a color so as not to offend PETA, I assume) will benefit from playing potentially 6-6 UCLA who somehow won the South Division (thanks Pete Carroll for that USC probation). And finally Virginia Tech might have the best chance to leapfrog everyone if they can beat a defensively tough Virginia and then Clemson in the ACC title game. Of course a Clemson loss to South Carolina today would diminish that potential win and now before I start sounding like Professor Irwin Corey let's move on...
Maybe having UCLA around for an extra game won't be terrible...and as for those uniforms, I agree, underwear's for sissies...Bottom line is Alabama's not winning their division is no impediment to their making the BCS Title Game and in the case of Nebraska in 2001 it was actually a benefit. Just like David Bowie's being married to a man it is unsurprising to find out that Nebraska that year owed its 11-0 start to an easy slate that featured only three games away from Lincoln and those vs. the 3 worst teams in the Big 12...what's that David Bowie's married to Imam, a fashion model...well that's kinda surprising. But back to the Cornhuskers they rolled into #14 Colorado on Thanksgiving weekend, got exposed 62-36 by the Buffaloes and missed out on the Conference Championship game which turned out to be a blessing for instead of taking another beating from a one loss Texas squad they sat home and watched as Colorado beat the Longhorns and Tennessee beat the other major one loss school Florida putting them in the BCS title game against undefeated Miami (FL).
The case of the Crimson Tide is not that egregious. Alabama has handled everyone on their sked including Arkansas and Penn State with ease and only lost to LSU in OT. Still many felt that battle of FGs had all the excitement of an Amish Barn Raising and would rather see a more wide open attack like Oklahoma State or Oregon get a crack at the Baton Rougers. Unfortunately our money's on a Tide-Tiger rematch, but don't lose hope for as the recent Ohio Amish-sect beard cutting episode has proven sometimes these guys can party like it's 1899!
--The final picks...mercifully. If you've been going against these selections, God bless. If you've been playing on them...oh, who am I kidding that ship sailed long ago. Still I like today's duo more than usual so use your judgement. First when Jim Tressel arrived in Columbus he made his #1 priority beating Michigan which he did every year going back to 2003. Consequently first year Michigan coach Brady Hoke was forced to make a similiar proclamation of rivalry focus upon his hiring and now's time to fulfill his promise. In Hoke's favor is the ignominious departures of Tressel and star QB Terrell Pryor that has left the Buckeyes a shadow of those teams that dominated the Wolverines for nearly a decade. As every new woman who's slept with me could tell OSU fans frustration makes for an ugly bedfellow. so with that in mind Michigan appears ready to blow a load that'd make Dr. Arnold Kegel (yes, there's a real guy) proud so we'll take the Wolverines -7.5 and if you can get that "buy the hook" down to -7 just to be safe. And in our other play let's take a shot with Minnesota +11 vs. Illinois for the Old Oaken Bucket or Synthetic Dildo or whatever they play for in this series. Pete Fiutak of College Football News has called it his Lock of the Year and that's a whole lot better than anything we've come up with recently.
That's all, but check back for further CFB commentary, selections and campus hotties as the weeks roll on. The best way to keep up is by becoming a Follower here or doing the same @sprtcom102 on Twitter or at the "Bowling Til' It Hurts" page on FaceBook. This one's for you mugs...
Hygiene, people, if you take nothing away from here, but that....
