--First to all the students who plan on coming to my home for Halloween I say,"That reminds me...get razorblades." See ya tomorrow.
--Fact is there may be no candy here anyway as I've already worked three-quarters of the way through the Snickers bag preparing this post. But don't worry 'bout my health as they weren't the Full, but rather the Fun Size Snickers. Which ironically is what I've always told my girlfriends over the years,"it's not small, it's Fun Size..."
--Sorry to hear professional curmudgeon Andy Rooney is doing poorly, but seriously did reporters need to sound so shocked when delivering this news. I mean the guy was a Cub Reporter at Dunkirk, has a nose like a relief map of Nepal and eyebrows that could frighten Ox Baker. Is it really surprising when he's rushed to the hospital? Toward the end Jerry Garcia weighed 400 pounds, ate a half gallon of Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream for breakfast and waddled down to Candlestick Park to Freebase alone yet upon his demise people kept asking me, "can you believe Jerry's gone." Hell, I couldn't believe he was still alive...but then we all grieve differently.
--If you work in an office and want some down time or just to screw with your boss open a Twitter account, type "joe buck douche bag" into the search and watch the server crash like Billy Joel on a three day bender. Couple this with Tim McCarver, a condescending, pompous ass so great he could make Joe Morgan look like a candidate for the Lady Byng Trophy and it's not hard to see why folks were not exactly watching the World Series in record numbers.
--And in one final WS note I believe Texas pitcher Derek Holland's moustache redefined "wispy" for a generation that never saw a young Martin Mull. When you can make Adam Morrison look like a cross between Stalin and the beret-wearing guy from MythBusters you may want to stand a little closer to the razor in the morning.
NFL NOTES
--Toward the end legendary Alabama coach Bear Bryant spent weekdays propped up in his coaching tower like he was auditioning for Weekend At Bernie's. And though he spoke with so many marbles in his mouth it was like trying to decipher the lyrics bridge from "Aqualung" while wearing ear buds cranking out "Come On Eileen" (you snatched a listerine lobster roll with dizzy diaper downs?) he still delivered the occasional coaching wisdom.
One of my favorites is when asked what made Penn State's Joe Paterno a great coach the Bear responded, "cause he can take his'n and beat your'n and then he'll take your'n and beat his'n". And while speech teachers and diction coaches take a second to recover I'll point out that given "his'n", "your'n" or the "1974 Miami Dolphins'n" it appears Chargers HC Norv Turner would have trouble winning on a consistent basis.
From a classiness perspective Jets HC Rex Ryan spoke out of school last week when he said he would've won a couple of Championships if he had San Diego's talent, but from a facts of the matter perspective there was more than a little truth in his conceited ramblings. From 1994 to 2000 Turner produced only one playoff team as coach of the Redskins, but could take solace in the fact that being saddled with Gus Frerotte as his QB throughout much of that run was somewhat of a built-in excuse. In San Diego Phillip Rivers has been present through Turner's entire tenure and while he may be a shade behind Tom Brady and Peyton Manning in a decade where Jake Delhomme, Kerry Collins and Trent Dilfer have led Super Bowl teams that's a pretty good hand to be dealt. And then last year Norvell (I'm guessing) pulled off the greatest magic trick since David Copperfield got Claudia Schiffer to marry him by having his Chargers finish #1 in the NFL in both Offense and Defense (based on yards gained/yards allowed) and still miss the playoffs.
Last week's 13 penalty, 2 turnover, 17-0 second half collapse effort doesn't make it appear that Turner has turned the corner as a coach and that's too bad as injuries to Jason Campbell and Jamaal Charles plus the general mediocrity in the AFC West leave the window of opportunity open once again. They say those who can do, those who can't teach and those who can't teach teach gym. In football those who can coach, those who can't coordinate and those who can't coordinate do color. If things don't take a better turn in Southern California soon Norv may be headed to the booth one way or another come 2012.
Have I even mentioned the Redskins in this post? Well if for no other reason I should have...--It's said football is a game of adjustments and so is handicapping football. Just like the "Great Goatee Fire" of 1990 taught me that you have to light and blow out the match before making a Jefferson Airplane a missed play on Atlanta last week taught me that you can't become too wedded to a particular theory. That theory, formulated going into the year, was that the Falcons over-achieved by winning 13 games last year and as a speed oriented Dome team were particularly vunerable on the road this year. All went well early as the Dirty Birds were 1-2 SU and 0-3 ATS in their first 3 road tilts at Chi./T.B./Sea. So when they traveled to an overrated Detroit last week it looked like a classic no play game. What I forgot to take into account is that the Lions, of course, are a Dome team. So while Matt Ryan has a 94 QB Rate at Home against 79 on the Road if you pull out his record in Away Dome games you find that his Rate and TD/Int.% is almost identical to what it is at home. Atlanta was at no disadvantage at the Ford Field Dome and subsequently produced an outright win as as a Dog. They go to another Dome next week in Indy then get 3 straight at home before they could sail in vastly overrated to games at Houston and Carolina to kick off December. Stay liquid for a possible investment.
--Like a Ron Paul campaign stop or another season of Futurama no one seemed to care about the monumental blunder perpetrated by Tony Sparano last week. Amidst all the media genuflecting over what was mostly a poor Tim Tebow effort everyone ignored the fact that 6 seconds into the 4th quarter with many possessions left for both sides Sparano chose to go for two with his team up 12-0 rather than kick the extra point and make it a 13-0 game.
So now I'm going to give you two words that should be on every announcer's lips when a coach decides to go for two..."TIME SENSITIVE"! The decision to go or not go for two should take into account how many possessions are remaining in the game (NOTE: It should also be "Personnel Sensitive" and "Opponent Sensitive", but for the sake of brevity and carpel tunnel syndrome we'll stick with Time only).
In general teams average about 3.5 possessions per quarter. Since Denver was getting the ball first and just to be safe that meant they had at least 4 possessions left. This gave them a myriad of ways to reach 12-14 points so the idea is to make it as tough on them as possible. 13 is more beneficial than 12 and add a possible FG in one Miami's upcoming drives (they had produced points on 3 of their last 6) and 16 forces Denver to go for two twice just to tie. NFL teams are successful on 2-pt. conversions about 40% of the time. Obviously this is probably less for a bad, Matt Moore QBed team like Miami and not much better for Denver so put the onus on the Broncos to convert and take the easy points that are presented to you.
OK, this has gotten as convoluted as the time I tried to teach my Special Ed. class how to score Roller Derby, but it's time to raise the discussion of when it's right and when it's wrong to go for two beyond what it says on "The Card".
Dolphins Cheerleader Lily Robbins apparently entering Greg Brady's attic bedroom.--Fred's Pick (1-2-1) today is Tennessee -9 over Indy. For the Colts, like Melanie Griffiths plastic surgery has proven, it's almost impossible to look that bad without trying. Everyone saw their debacle in primetime Sunday night, but not as many may have noticed how thoroughly the Titans were garretted by a fading, Andre Johnson-less Houston last week. Arian Foster alone nearly doubled their yardage production and overall they were outgained 518-148. The bloom may be off the rose for Mike Munchak and Matt Hasselbeck in Nashville so were avoiding this one.
Last week Fred pushed with Cleveland -3 vs. Seattle in a game with all the offensive punch of C. Montgomery Burns. The Seahawks produced 137 yards total offense, 2-12 third down conversions and were out-time of possessioned 42:28-17:32. But this is what happens when you let Barry Gibb be your QB.
--And finally our picks. We're 4-1-1 in our NFL selections the last two weeks so tread carefully as the dreaded regression may be lurking. Let's go Baltimore to make Kevin Kolb's life more miserable and take the Ravens -12.5. And in a wild stab Carolina-Minnesota Under 46.5. Emotionally immature and morally bankrupt...and this is one of my good days...I'm done!
How come I always get the Iranian guy with halitosis when I hail a cab?We're on Facebook at "Bowling Til' It Hurts" and Twitter @sprtcom102. Outside of that, seriously, leave me alone.
