My Dinner With Dahmer-NFL Notes Week 14

--We're back and thanks for all the well-wishes. If you want to know what the congestion of pnuemonia feels like imagine waking up in the morning with someone sitting on your chest...and not in the good way. But enough about me.

--Actually I should be out fighting the Mall hordes to make up for lost Holiday shopping time, but I just couldn't leave my (m)any fans sans a scintillating soupcon of sports sarcasm...and plus I'm outta Pepper Spray. Not to mention that hating everyone has it's advantages...I mean is it the 24th yet? Well, then I've still got time.

Fortunately this wasn't my nurse or I'd still be sick...I'd have made sure of it. Plus I woulda had the Doctor toss in a vasectomy just for the shave.

--Also a quick note to the Salvation Army. You're doing God's work, really, but you might wanna take a moment to re-think the whole bell ringing thing. Every once in a while to let folks know you're there is fine, but when you're sending Otis The Drunk from Andy Griffith out there like Quasimodo on Meth you're not making any friends. I haven't seen anyone ringing bells like that since John Byner in the "Mr. O.M. Weight Loss" episode of The Odd Couple (your welcome readers AngMute, JeffMess and MooseAllen) so how 'bout giving a hungover Wal-Mart shopper a break and maybe I'll throw ya a Sacagawea some time...Lord knows nobody else wants 'em.

--And finally what was Wipeout thinking letting Jill Wagner get away. What's the point of watching anymore? Building giant contraptions to hit over-enthusiastic, do-gooders in the nuts is kinda like watching the Riddler on Batman try to kill the Dynamic Duo. I have a gun and it's called You Tube for this type of thing where I know there's always a skateboarder trying to slide down a metal railing seconds away.

Yeah, like I was watching to hear John Henson's witty comments...

CFB
--The big coaching news comes out of Kansas, of all places, with the hiring of ex-Golden Domer Charlie Weis as Jayhawks head coach. I guess this is a coup for a school that has never been a football power and has long played Andrew Ridgeley to the basketball teams' George Michael if I may be so bold as to bring down the testosterone levels with a WHAM! reference.
    But frankly I don't see what all ths fuss is about. It would appear Weis is simply playing the Dan Ackroyd role in a CFB version of Trading Places while guys like Kevin Sumlin (Houston to Texas A&M) and Larry Fedora (Southern Miss to North Carolina) get the Eddie Murphy treatment. And for good reason.  A cursory look at the records shows that Weis' supposed prowess as a Head Coach is seemingly made up like Sasquatch or the Palestinians, say. In 5 years at ND Weis turned in a .565 winning pct. which is .18 lower than his two predecessors Bob Davie and Ty Willingham.
   The big problem for Weis would seem to be recruiting. In his firt two years in South Bend, using predominantly Willingham recruited players, Chunky Charlie coaxed a 69-14 ratio out of Brady Quinn and two 1000 yard campaigns out of Darius Walker while producing a 19-6 record and two BCS Bowl appearances. Over the next three years with his own recruits Weis went 16-21 with one postseason trip to the lowly Hawaii Bowl.
    Charlie Weis can coach some offense and his Kansas teams will probably be immediately more competitive for it, but if you can't get kids to come to a school that has it's own exclusive Network TV contract luring 'em to Lawrence won't be as easy as getting Billy Ray Valentine in the back of the Duke Brothers limo...Whiskey!!

--Sometimes it's good to clean up the crap about you. I've learned that taking out the electric shaver attachments and doing a little "man-scaping" always makes things look bigger...um...I mean better down there, but, of course, this can backfire.
    So if you're unhappy with this whole LSU-Alabama rematch in the Championship game put the blame on Colorado (and Nebraska). You see when those teams bolted the Conference Formerly Known As The Big 12 officials were fine with it. Nebraska was seen as ungrateful and well the Buffaloes recent performances had just become embarrassing. The real problem though was not replacing them thereby leaving the conference with 10 teams and ineligible to stage a Championship game.
    Going into the last week of the season (Army-Navy notwithstanding, but do read John Feinstein's A Civil War for a good take on that series) Oklahoma State trailed the finished for the year Crimson Tide by .0839 in the BCS standing. Their win over Oklahoma earned them .0753 points to pull within .0086 points of the #2 spot. Certainly if they had played and beat 10-2 Kansas State in a Conference Championship game they would have earned more than that and we'd be saved from potentially another single-digit duel between the SEC rivals. Plus it's very unflattering to have to wear little pieces of tissue down there when you cut yourself...or in other words less ain't always better.

NFL
--Even before the 2008 Lions yet within the modern era of Pro Football, which I define as the period after the last team named the Steamrollers went under, there was a winless team. It was the 1976 expansion Tampa Bay Buccaneers who not only went 0-14 in their inaugural campaign, but took a twelve loss run at back-to-back winless seasons before winning their last two in 1977. I bring this up because today the Colts will almost certainly fall to 0-13 at Baltimore and QB Dan Orlovsky will move one step closer to the ignominious ground held by Brodie Croyle when he falls to 0-9 as a starter thereby needing one more loss to tie the former Savior of Kansas City.
    So can the Colts match the Lions and Bucs? It would certainly seem they're in the running with games versus playoff contenders Tennessee and Houston at home before finishing at Jacksonville. We believe they'll have a real shot in at least one of thse games and will come out 1-15 so if you're into those kind of exotics it could be worth a flier. What bothers us most though is the lack of humor that HC Jim Caldwell has displayed throughout a situation that has obviously turned from sad to sublime so here's a few quotes from the anti-Bill Belichick of the coaching fraternity Tampa's John McKay circa 1976:

(On his kicker claiming to have a bad training camp because McKay's watching made him nervous) "That's too bad because I plan on attending all the games."

(On his postgame speech following a 41-0 loss) "I told 'em forget about it. There's 3 billion people in China who don't even know this happened. Then this morning I get three calls from Peking saying, 'Coach, what the Hell happened out there?'"

(After their first win in 1977) "Three or four plane crashes and we're in the playoffs!"

RIP Coach...

--In the "Homerpalooza" episode of The Simpsons Homer is confused when intoduced to a band performing with the festival- "Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins"..."Uh...Homer Simpson, smiling politely". But it's left to Bart to sum up my thoughts on much of that eras music when he tells Corgan that becoming rich for playing sad, I-hate-the-world music for teenage kids is like shooting fish in a barrel. Which is similiar to the reason I never purchased Pink Floyd's "The Wall" album. I mean after the nuanced brilliance of "Comfortably Numb, "Money", "Have A Cigar" and the rest the second I heard them scream "Hey Teachers leave those kids alone" it all seemed too easy. Not to mention I developed a theory that the song was just a ripoff of "Dust in the Wind", but that got me beat up once in Auto Shop so let's just leave it there.
    Still the easy way is not always the best way or correct way as Jason Garrett found out last Sunday with a chance to go up 2 games in the NFC East seemingly his teams' for the taking. Now first off, yes, icing your own kicker is akin to betting $1 under the lowest bid in Contestant's Row on The Price Is Right, but that notwithstanding the bigger, and mostly, unreported blunder (the game announcers did not comment on this) was made before Dan Bailey even set foot on the field.
    With 24 seconds left and two timeouts Dez Bryant catches a first down making pass to the Arizona 31, but instead of calling timeout which would give his offense potentially two more plays to improve FG position Garrett takes the easy way out having Romo clock the ball at 8 seconds and sending in Bailey for the inevitable post-time out miss. Considering he's an undrafted 23 year old rookie it might've been wise to let your veteran QB take a couple shots short with a timeout still in hand.
    But if Garrett needed a lesson in this type of timidity he needed to look no further than hot-seated Norv Turner the previous week. In virtually the same scenario vs. Denver the Chargers had the ball 1st and 10 at the Bronco 35 needing just a FG to win. Journeyman Nick Novak had previously missed a 48 yarder so it would seem to behoove Turner's troops to get another 1st down and take some of the risk out of the attempt. Instead Norvell had his offense come out in a tightly bunched run formation at which point Denver brought everyone into the box and shut down the subsequent 3 run plays for zero yds. and the 53 yard attempt by Novak was worth watching not because it had a chance, but to see a man's face (Turner) as the last floater of his head coaching career circled down the toilet.
    But maybe this is why Garrett and Turner are under fire and GB HC Mike McCarthy is living large. When the Pack found thmselves 1st and 10 at the NYG 29 with 44 seconds left in a tie game he didn't run down the clock and hope for a 47 yarder even though his kicker is the All-Pro Mason Crosby. Instead he threw to a RB for -1, but didn't panic and threw again this time getting an 18 yard hookup that basically won the game.
    I'm not expecting coaches to go all Tin Cup everytime they get in these situations. Sometimes it's good to lay up and live for another day. Still if it's my job I'm putting it on the back of Tony Romo and Philip Rivers before Dan Bailey and Nick Novak everytime, but, hey, that's just me.

--Back in the day I was always more of a Bailey Quarters than Jennifer Marlowe man on WKRP IN Cincinnati and I think time and plastic surgery debacles have proven me right. I couldn't find a current picture of Jan Smithers, but I'll go in blind with her at this point.

    Earlier this year we touted Dallas even at 2-3 to win the NFC East and even before that told Fantasy folks to trade whatever it took to get Rob Gronkowski and we think these against the grain predictions have pretty much panned out. So for our Playoff stunner we're going to go with 5-7 Seattle to reach the Big Dance.
    Now this is a longshot, but after looking at the Wildcard field of NYG (or possibly Dallas), Atlanta, Detroit and Chicago there's no reason to think the Seahawks can't get in the mix for 1 of the two spots. First off let's toss the deadweight of the Bears overboard. The Giants and Dallas could cancel each other out into at best a 9-7/8-8 season for one and if that one is the Giants Seattle has the tiebreaker. If we put Atlanta in that leaves Detroit. The Lions sked starts out fine today home vs. banged up Minnesota, but then turns trickier than a discount prostitute with games at Oakland, home to what might be a resurgent San Diego and at Green Bay who might give it their all if a 16-0 season is on the line. Meanwhile Pete Carroll's Crew has St. Louis at home today, at Chicago, home vs. S.F. who may be locked in at that point and resting players and finally at Arizona. In the last 4 weeks their defense, Carroll's specialty, has picked it up allowing only 15 ppg and if it weren't for the surprising loss to Washington or having to start Charlie Whitehurst in an ugly 6-3 loss to Cleveland they'd be sitting at .500 right now.
   We're not riding the Tavaris Jackson bandwagon by any stretch, but I gotta write something here and in a conference (NFC) where everyone outside of Green Bay is redefining mediocrity for a generation that never heard The Little River Band this guess is as good as any.

--Fred's Pick: Yes at 6-3-1 we're "bolding" it. Plus we like today's selection which is San Diego -7 over the fading like Andre Agassi's hairline (I know I broke an unwritten Guy's Rule by mentioning it) Buffalo Bills. As for my pick I'll go with Denver -3 in Mile High.

Recently released former WWE Divas Champion Maryse Ouellet...something tells me she'll land on her feet.

Now off to mix up a Toddy like Dad used to make...where'd I put that bottle of Rye again...

Further Loneliness...Long-Distance Drunkard (NFL Notes-Week 8)

Quick Hits
--First to all the students who plan on coming to my home for Halloween I say,"That reminds me...get razorblades." See ya tomorrow.

--Fact is there may be no candy here anyway as I've already worked three-quarters of the way through the Snickers bag preparing this post. But don't worry 'bout my health as they weren't the Full, but rather the Fun Size Snickers. Which ironically is what I've always told my girlfriends over the years,"it's not small, it's Fun Size..."

--Sorry to hear professional curmudgeon Andy Rooney is doing poorly, but seriously did reporters need to sound so shocked when delivering this news. I mean the guy was a Cub Reporter at Dunkirk, has a nose like a relief map of Nepal and eyebrows that could frighten Ox Baker. Is it really surprising when he's rushed to the hospital? Toward the end Jerry Garcia weighed 400 pounds, ate a half gallon of Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream for breakfast and waddled down to Candlestick Park to Freebase alone yet upon his demise people kept asking me, "can you believe Jerry's gone." Hell, I couldn't believe he was still alive...but then we all grieve differently.

--If you work in an office and want some down time or just to screw with your boss open a Twitter account, type "joe buck douche bag" into the search and watch the server crash like Billy Joel on a three day bender. Couple this with Tim McCarver, a condescending, pompous ass so great he could make Joe Morgan look like a candidate for the Lady Byng Trophy and it's not hard to see why folks were not exactly watching the World Series in record numbers.

--And in one final WS note I believe Texas pitcher Derek Holland's moustache redefined "wispy" for a generation that never saw a young Martin Mull. When you can make Adam Morrison look like a cross between Stalin and the beret-wearing guy from MythBusters you may want to stand a little closer to the razor in the morning.

NFL NOTES
--Toward the end legendary Alabama coach Bear Bryant spent weekdays propped up in his coaching tower like he was auditioning for Weekend At Bernie's. And though he spoke with so many marbles in his mouth it was like trying to decipher the lyrics bridge from "Aqualung" while wearing ear buds cranking out "Come On Eileen" (you snatched a listerine lobster roll with dizzy diaper downs?) he still delivered the occasional coaching wisdom.
    One of my favorites is when asked what made Penn State's Joe Paterno a great coach the Bear responded, "cause he can take his'n and beat your'n and then he'll take your'n and beat his'n". And while speech teachers and diction coaches take a second to recover I'll point out that given "his'n", "your'n" or the "1974 Miami Dolphins'n" it appears Chargers HC Norv Turner would have trouble winning on a consistent basis.
    From a classiness perspective Jets HC Rex Ryan spoke out of school last week when he said he would've won a couple of Championships if he had San Diego's talent, but from a facts of the matter perspective there was more than a little truth in his conceited ramblings. From 1994 to 2000 Turner produced only one playoff team as coach of the Redskins, but could take solace in the fact that being saddled with Gus Frerotte as his QB throughout much of that run was somewhat of a built-in excuse. In San Diego Phillip Rivers has been present through Turner's entire tenure and while he may be a shade behind Tom Brady and Peyton Manning in a decade where Jake Delhomme, Kerry Collins and Trent Dilfer have led Super Bowl teams that's a pretty good hand to be dealt. And then last year Norvell (I'm guessing) pulled off the greatest magic trick since David Copperfield got Claudia Schiffer to marry him by having his Chargers finish #1 in the NFL in both Offense and Defense (based on yards gained/yards allowed) and still miss the playoffs.
    Last week's 13 penalty, 2 turnover, 17-0 second half collapse effort doesn't make it appear that Turner has turned the corner as a coach and that's too bad as injuries to Jason Campbell and Jamaal Charles plus the general mediocrity in the AFC West leave the window of opportunity open once again. They say those who can do, those who can't teach and those who can't teach teach gym. In football those who can coach, those who can't coordinate and those who can't coordinate do color. If things don't take a better turn in Southern California soon Norv may be headed to the booth one way or another come 2012.

Have I even mentioned the Redskins in this post? Well if for no other reason I should have...

--It's said football is a game of adjustments and so is handicapping football. Just like the "Great Goatee Fire" of 1990 taught me that you have to light and blow out the match before making a Jefferson Airplane a missed play on Atlanta last week taught me that you can't become too wedded to a particular theory. That theory, formulated going into the year, was that the Falcons over-achieved by winning 13 games last year and as a speed oriented Dome team were particularly vunerable on the road this year. All went well early as the Dirty Birds were 1-2 SU and 0-3 ATS in their first 3 road tilts at Chi./T.B./Sea. So when they traveled to an overrated Detroit last week it looked like a classic no play game. What I forgot to take into account is that the Lions, of course, are a Dome team. So while Matt Ryan has a 94 QB Rate at Home against 79 on the Road if you pull out his record in Away Dome games you find that his Rate and TD/Int.% is almost identical to what it is at home. Atlanta was at no disadvantage at the Ford Field Dome and subsequently produced an outright win as as a Dog. They go to another Dome next week in Indy then get 3 straight at home before they could sail in vastly overrated to games at Houston and Carolina to kick off December. Stay liquid for a possible investment.

--Like a Ron Paul campaign stop or another season of Futurama no one seemed to care about the monumental blunder perpetrated by Tony Sparano last week. Amidst all the media genuflecting over what was mostly a poor Tim Tebow effort everyone ignored the fact that 6 seconds into the 4th quarter with many possessions left for both sides Sparano chose to go for two with his team up 12-0 rather than kick the extra point and make it a 13-0 game.
    So now I'm going to give you two words that should be on every announcer's lips when a coach decides to go for two..."TIME SENSITIVE"! The decision to go or not go for two should take into account how many possessions are remaining in the game (NOTE: It should also be "Personnel Sensitive" and "Opponent Sensitive", but for the sake of brevity and carpel tunnel syndrome we'll stick with Time only).
    In general teams average about 3.5 possessions per quarter. Since Denver was getting the ball first and just to be safe that meant they had at least 4 possessions left. This gave them a myriad of ways to reach 12-14 points so the idea is to make it as tough on them as possible. 13 is more beneficial than 12 and add a possible FG in one Miami's upcoming drives (they had produced points on 3 of their last 6) and 16 forces Denver to go for two twice just to tie. NFL teams are successful on 2-pt. conversions about 40% of the time. Obviously this is probably less for a bad, Matt Moore QBed team like Miami and not much better for Denver so put the onus on the Broncos to convert and take the easy points that are presented to you.
    OK, this has gotten as convoluted as the time I tried to teach my Special Ed. class how to score Roller Derby, but it's time to raise the discussion of when it's right and when it's wrong to go for two beyond what it says on "The Card".

Dolphins Cheerleader Lily Robbins apparently entering Greg Brady's attic bedroom.

--Fred's Pick (1-2-1) today is Tennessee -9 over Indy. For the Colts, like Melanie Griffiths plastic surgery has proven, it's almost impossible to look that bad without trying. Everyone saw their debacle in primetime Sunday night, but not as many may have noticed how thoroughly the Titans were garretted by a fading, Andre Johnson-less Houston last week. Arian Foster alone nearly doubled their yardage production and overall they were outgained 518-148. The bloom may be off the rose for Mike Munchak and Matt Hasselbeck in Nashville so were avoiding this one.
    Last week Fred pushed with Cleveland -3 vs. Seattle in a game with all the offensive punch of C. Montgomery Burns. The Seahawks produced 137 yards total offense, 2-12 third down conversions and were out-time of possessioned 42:28-17:32. But this is what happens when you let Barry Gibb be your QB.



--And finally our picks. We're 4-1-1 in our NFL selections the last two weeks so tread carefully as the dreaded regression may be lurking. Let's go Baltimore to make Kevin Kolb's life more miserable and take the Ravens -12.5. And in a wild stab Carolina-Minnesota Under 46.5. Emotionally immature and morally bankrupt...and this is one of my good days...I'm done!

How come I always get the Iranian guy with halitosis when I hail a cab?

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