Another day and no more dollars, but before we list the picks...
YOUTUBE DISAPPOINTMENT ALERT: The old "Houston Oilers #1" song is not as jubilantly whimsical as I remembered it...you know, just mentioning it...
NOTE: Today's selections lean to the highly contrarian side...if that's yer kinda thing...
SIDES (5-7): Minnesota (+4.0), Tennessee (+7.5), Tampa Bay (+7.5), Houston (-2.5)
TOTALS (16-9-1): Buf./Hou. Under 44.0, Jac./S.D. Over 44.5
Best of luck and that type-a thing...
Showing posts with label NFL Picks. Show all posts
Showing posts with label NFL Picks. Show all posts
Sunday, September 28, 2014
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Let's Get This Over With...
Green Bay -3/45
Hundreds of paragraphs, dozens of bad pans, a multitude of pop culture references and a dash of football history later this blog is coming to the finish line...or as my Father commented after paging through my last two months of toil and sweat, "well, that certainly is a lot of words." Thanks Dad. But now as we stand perched on the TV Sports abyss that is the NHL Game of the Week (bring back Peter Puck, dammit) and Spring Training Baseball it's time to make our final selection of the season.
Now to call me a cynic is like saying Nicole Richie is a picky eater or Gary Busey's a bit quirky. Thus despite being faced with deciding between the theoretically two best team's in the NFL like Frank Costanza at the Festivus Airing of the Grievances I have a lot problems with these teams.
Looking at Pittsburgh I see a club that was not exactly a road demon at the end of the year, nearly getting outscored overall in 5 of their last six road games that included tilts with such under/non achievers as Buffalo, Cincinnati and Miami. They also lost to a then reeling Jet team before righting the ship versus the mailing-it-in pair of Carolina and Cleveland. So far in the playoffs it's been a mixed bag. Coming from behind via the arm of Roethlisberger to beat Baltimore then running off and hiding vs. a Jets team that came out flat behind a big running day from Mendenhall. In neither game did they top 300 yards in offense and there was still a chance for both opponents to overcome their horrendous Halfs and pull the game out late. Their run defense is unshakeable, but their pass D is more middle of the road, bolstered by a a league leading 48 sacks. Problem is Green Bay by their own admission doesn't care if they run for many yards as long as they stay close enough to get the requisite attempts to keep the defense honest. Additionally Aaron Rodgers is an effective runner, much better than Flacco or Sanchez which may help to mitigate the Steeler blitz.
But before you think we're leaning Green Bay's way let's look at the Pack's foibles of which we found several. First off the Lombardi Boys did not exactly play a killer schedule. Of their three wins vs. playoff teams in two (against the Eagles and Jets) they were outgained and the other was against a Bear team, that had clinched their #2 seed, in the last game of the year. In the playoffs their win over Atlanta seems a bit suspect when you consider that the Saints loss to Seattle seems to taint the quality of the whole NFC South pool. The following week in a return engagement with the Bears they almost let a guy who sounds like he should be as The"other" Eagles put it "out riding fences", Caleb Hanie, nearly pull off an improbable comeback in a game they should've won handily. In terms of offense we have complete faith in Aaron Rodgers which is good since James Starks and company should be as effective as Anderson Cooper's bodyguards in Cairo. Defensively Green Bay was very effective against the pass, but very average versus the run. So what does it all add up to?
We see a close game with each team's strengths and weaknesses playing off each other. That said Special Teams might play a big role and in terms of the kicking game Green Bay gets the nod. P Tim Masthay was nearly team MVP against Chicago, Mason Crosby we know is solid and as for Steeler kicker Shaun Suisham, well, like Michael Jackson' marriage to Lisa Marie Presley something just doesn't seem right. Hard to picture the Redskins castoff going all Vinatieri in this one. Aaron Rodgers is the ultimate hot hand here, but remember he did not throw a TD against the Bears and had two picks. With no threat at TE, Donald Driver nicked up and James Jones/Jordy Nelson not looking like guys who will step up Mr. Rodgers may not find it such a beautiful day in Harrison/Polumalu's neighborhood. Conversely the Steelers will try to run and should have some success. Even if Mike Wallace is eliminated as a deep threat Heath Miller and Hines Ward could be effective underneath. Therefore our prediction in order of strength is Under and Pittsburgh. Good luck...and if you've learned one thing here I think it's, please, stay off the drugs.
Hundreds of paragraphs, dozens of bad pans, a multitude of pop culture references and a dash of football history later this blog is coming to the finish line...or as my Father commented after paging through my last two months of toil and sweat, "well, that certainly is a lot of words." Thanks Dad. But now as we stand perched on the TV Sports abyss that is the NHL Game of the Week (bring back Peter Puck, dammit) and Spring Training Baseball it's time to make our final selection of the season.
Now to call me a cynic is like saying Nicole Richie is a picky eater or Gary Busey's a bit quirky. Thus despite being faced with deciding between the theoretically two best team's in the NFL like Frank Costanza at the Festivus Airing of the Grievances I have a lot problems with these teams.
Looking at Pittsburgh I see a club that was not exactly a road demon at the end of the year, nearly getting outscored overall in 5 of their last six road games that included tilts with such under/non achievers as Buffalo, Cincinnati and Miami. They also lost to a then reeling Jet team before righting the ship versus the mailing-it-in pair of Carolina and Cleveland. So far in the playoffs it's been a mixed bag. Coming from behind via the arm of Roethlisberger to beat Baltimore then running off and hiding vs. a Jets team that came out flat behind a big running day from Mendenhall. In neither game did they top 300 yards in offense and there was still a chance for both opponents to overcome their horrendous Halfs and pull the game out late. Their run defense is unshakeable, but their pass D is more middle of the road, bolstered by a a league leading 48 sacks. Problem is Green Bay by their own admission doesn't care if they run for many yards as long as they stay close enough to get the requisite attempts to keep the defense honest. Additionally Aaron Rodgers is an effective runner, much better than Flacco or Sanchez which may help to mitigate the Steeler blitz.
But before you think we're leaning Green Bay's way let's look at the Pack's foibles of which we found several. First off the Lombardi Boys did not exactly play a killer schedule. Of their three wins vs. playoff teams in two (against the Eagles and Jets) they were outgained and the other was against a Bear team, that had clinched their #2 seed, in the last game of the year. In the playoffs their win over Atlanta seems a bit suspect when you consider that the Saints loss to Seattle seems to taint the quality of the whole NFC South pool. The following week in a return engagement with the Bears they almost let a guy who sounds like he should be as The"other" Eagles put it "out riding fences", Caleb Hanie, nearly pull off an improbable comeback in a game they should've won handily. In terms of offense we have complete faith in Aaron Rodgers which is good since James Starks and company should be as effective as Anderson Cooper's bodyguards in Cairo. Defensively Green Bay was very effective against the pass, but very average versus the run. So what does it all add up to?
We see a close game with each team's strengths and weaknesses playing off each other. That said Special Teams might play a big role and in terms of the kicking game Green Bay gets the nod. P Tim Masthay was nearly team MVP against Chicago, Mason Crosby we know is solid and as for Steeler kicker Shaun Suisham, well, like Michael Jackson' marriage to Lisa Marie Presley something just doesn't seem right. Hard to picture the Redskins castoff going all Vinatieri in this one. Aaron Rodgers is the ultimate hot hand here, but remember he did not throw a TD against the Bears and had two picks. With no threat at TE, Donald Driver nicked up and James Jones/Jordy Nelson not looking like guys who will step up Mr. Rodgers may not find it such a beautiful day in Harrison/Polumalu's neighborhood. Conversely the Steelers will try to run and should have some success. Even if Mike Wallace is eliminated as a deep threat Heath Miller and Hines Ward could be effective underneath. Therefore our prediction in order of strength is Under and Pittsburgh. Good luck...and if you've learned one thing here I think it's, please, stay off the drugs.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Saturday Meanderings
Who's pumped for the Pro Bowl!?!...yeah me neither. If I wanna see overpaid entertainers going through the motions I can always view my DVD boxed set of After M*A*S*H or the 2008 New York Yankee recap Waiting Out Giambi: The Darrell Rasner Story. In the meantime let's take care of some ancillary matters.
SELECTIONS RECORD
Sides: 8-2 (11-3 dating back to Bowl games)...Strange, after going 6 for our first 8 on the NFL Playoffs I was expecting to crash harder than Jimmy Buffett in Australia last week. Instead we drunkenly, inexplicably and with little or no effort stumbled into more success. Like Charlie Sheen without the chlamydia. I'm sure the Internet community breathlessly awaits our side selection on the Super Bowl, as for our total play well...
Totals: 3-7 (6-8 dating back to Bowl games)...not so much. We were correct on the G.B./Chi. total, but Pittsburgh once again saw their total go over proving that a top defense does not an Under make. In fact the key to most Under plays is the ability to find teams that through defensive ability or offensive ineptitude find ways to turn TDs into FGs. Offenses in today's NFL will get their chances the key is to find those situations where, like the N.Y. Mets, team's are likely to do less with more.
Overall: 11-9 (17-11 dating back to Bowl games) That's a 110 unit profit on 100 units per wager for the NFL Playoffs and a 490 unit profit including Bowls. And they said that GED would never pay off!
Finally we'll be wrapping this blog shortly after the Super Bowl. I'd like to offer thanks to each and every one of my loyal readers...and sadly with a Schlitz Party Ball and half a bag of Cheetos I probably could. Nonetheless MLB Spring Training begins in two weeks and we figure why not turn our sardonic eye on a business that offers us a plethora of punching bags from Bud Selig's hair to the Triple A squad masquerading as the Pittsburgh Pirates. If you have any ideas for the slant/theme of this effort, such that it will be, feel free to comment here anytime or reach out to us at tsha3217@gmail.com. Selections and miscellany will be up soon so be sure to check back and when the new blog opens we'll have the link right here. Enjoy the NHL All-Star game...it really sneaks up on you, right? See ya for Super Bowl XLV!
SELECTIONS RECORD
Sides: 8-2 (11-3 dating back to Bowl games)...Strange, after going 6 for our first 8 on the NFL Playoffs I was expecting to crash harder than Jimmy Buffett in Australia last week. Instead we drunkenly, inexplicably and with little or no effort stumbled into more success. Like Charlie Sheen without the chlamydia. I'm sure the Internet community breathlessly awaits our side selection on the Super Bowl, as for our total play well...
Totals: 3-7 (6-8 dating back to Bowl games)...not so much. We were correct on the G.B./Chi. total, but Pittsburgh once again saw their total go over proving that a top defense does not an Under make. In fact the key to most Under plays is the ability to find teams that through defensive ability or offensive ineptitude find ways to turn TDs into FGs. Offenses in today's NFL will get their chances the key is to find those situations where, like the N.Y. Mets, team's are likely to do less with more.
Overall: 11-9 (17-11 dating back to Bowl games) That's a 110 unit profit on 100 units per wager for the NFL Playoffs and a 490 unit profit including Bowls. And they said that GED would never pay off!
Finally we'll be wrapping this blog shortly after the Super Bowl. I'd like to offer thanks to each and every one of my loyal readers...and sadly with a Schlitz Party Ball and half a bag of Cheetos I probably could. Nonetheless MLB Spring Training begins in two weeks and we figure why not turn our sardonic eye on a business that offers us a plethora of punching bags from Bud Selig's hair to the Triple A squad masquerading as the Pittsburgh Pirates. If you have any ideas for the slant/theme of this effort, such that it will be, feel free to comment here anytime or reach out to us at tsha3217@gmail.com. Selections and miscellany will be up soon so be sure to check back and when the new blog opens we'll have the link right here. Enjoy the NHL All-Star game...it really sneaks up on you, right? See ya for Super Bowl XLV!
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Banefully, Beleagured Bets
NFL Playoff
Overall: 8-8
Sides: 6-2 Note: This goes to 9-3 if you include my Dumpster Baby aborted College Bowl selections.
Totals: 2-6
In the "Moneyball" world of sabermetrics they call it "Regression to the Mean" or for those who can't recall their 7th grade math it's the reason a 20 HR-a-year guy like Raul Ibanez can jack 34 at age 37 then go back down to 16 (in 61 more ABs mind you) the very next year. Of course, a couple shots of Miguel Tejada's special "B-12" may have helped, but that's neither here nor there. As Dusty Rhodes once felt the need to remind Georgia Championship Wrestling fans, "there ain't a stee-roid runnin' through this body" (though it couldn't have hurt in trying to reduce that giant goiter on his stomach) and I similiarly am drug free- at least as far as the NJ Department of Education is concerned. That means I'm subject to the same "regression" that old Raul suffered in 2010 or in other words it may be time to jump on my Totals predictions and go against the Sides. You be the judge, but as always remember when you're daughter asks why she has to go to Community College don't curse my name and point to the Island of Curacao on a map.
Pittsburgh -4/38
First let me say I'm getting a little tired of this "J-E-T-S" chant that's filling every watering hole in the tri-state area. If I want to be subjected to an Elementary spelling competition I'll turn on the Game Show Network and watch a plastic-faced Chuck Woolery and that big titted, too hot for porn, too skanky for Soap Operas bimbo host Lingo!. If you want a team cheer at least come up with something witty like the University of Texas cheer squad did when they used to play Rice University every year in the old "if you ain't cheatin', you ain't tryin'" Southwest Conference:
Texas Cheerleaders: "What comes out of a Chinaman's ass?"
Longhorn Fans: "Rice! Rice! Rice!"
Now that's a cheer. Nonetheless let's get to the real issue here- how will this game play out?
As we mentioned before Rex Ryan is one of the cockiest coaches around which should come as no surprise considering he was hired by an owner named Woody Johnson (that's irony Alanis Morrisette, not a fly in your soup, that's just unfortunate). Confidence, brashness the ability to motivate a team to play beyond it's ability are great qualities in a coach, but attitude and pep talks can only take you so far past your talent level. So is today the day Rex's cockiness gets Lorena Bobbitt-ed? Sadly we think so (sorry Brian).
Mike Tomlin may not be as colorful as the "John Kruk of the Toe Suck", but he can also coach up some D. In their November meeting the Steelers held the Jets to 276 total yards, outgained them by over 100 yards and that was without difference-maker Troy Polamalu who will play today. Additionally the Jets were not exactly Hawk and Animal (that's Road Warriors, I'm on a 1980's wrestling jag today) in the second half of the year. They should have lost back-to-back away games at lowly Cleveland and Detroit, then were demolished at New England. They righted the ship somewhat with the win in Pitt, but then were gashed for 38 points and three 25+ yard TD passes in the third quarter alone at Chicago.
And that last point may be critical. The Bears have vertical threats in Johnny Knox and Devin Hester who hauled in those three TDs. The Colts "field stretcher" Pierre Garcon went for 117 yards in the Wild Card round, but the Patriots had no such option beyond the Methusalean Deion Branch. Pittsburgh, conversely, sports the perfect complement to cause trouble for the Jets in possesion man Hines Ward and full blown deep threat Mike Wallace. Add this to the fact that I'd much rather support Ben Roethlisberger than ride the Mark Sanchez rollercoaster (62.4 QB Rate vs. Ind., 127.3 vs. N.E.) in a big game. If the Steelers somewhat makeshift OL can play Viagra and keep Big Ben reasonably erect we like their chances against a Jet team that may have peaked for their Patriots grudge match. We'll call it STEELERS and UNDER-follow at your own risk.
Green Bay -3.5/42.5
In the Bizarro Universe that is the parity of the NFL we have here a #6 seed on the road vs. a #2 and giving more than a FG. This is solely because the sports world at large has finally "discovered" Aaron Rodgers which creates a multi-dimensional dilemma in our thinking. Having had Rodgers on our Fantasy teams the last two years we adore him with the kind of love that's usually reserved for Rectories after Altar Boy practice. Still we hate to jump on a bandwagon because they tend to overturn with the fat, zit-faced tuba player usually landing right on top of us- metaphorically speaking. We would also love the under in Lock of the Year fashion if it weren't for that 10-3 game that might have the public leaning that way today.
So to hell with it all. Like John Prine's protagonist in "Often is a Word I Seldom Use", I literally am "cold and tired and can't stop coughing" (damn those mucus-addled students) so I'm gonna say PACKERS and UNDER hoping that Vegas will balance the books and the aforementioned regression will rear its ugly head after the Over went 4-0 in last week's contests. Eat, drink and be nauseous- Enjoy the games!
Overall: 8-8
Sides: 6-2 Note: This goes to 9-3 if you include my Dumpster Baby aborted College Bowl selections.
Totals: 2-6
In the "Moneyball" world of sabermetrics they call it "Regression to the Mean" or for those who can't recall their 7th grade math it's the reason a 20 HR-a-year guy like Raul Ibanez can jack 34 at age 37 then go back down to 16 (in 61 more ABs mind you) the very next year. Of course, a couple shots of Miguel Tejada's special "B-12" may have helped, but that's neither here nor there. As Dusty Rhodes once felt the need to remind Georgia Championship Wrestling fans, "there ain't a stee-roid runnin' through this body" (though it couldn't have hurt in trying to reduce that giant goiter on his stomach) and I similiarly am drug free- at least as far as the NJ Department of Education is concerned. That means I'm subject to the same "regression" that old Raul suffered in 2010 or in other words it may be time to jump on my Totals predictions and go against the Sides. You be the judge, but as always remember when you're daughter asks why she has to go to Community College don't curse my name and point to the Island of Curacao on a map.
Pittsburgh -4/38
First let me say I'm getting a little tired of this "J-E-T-S" chant that's filling every watering hole in the tri-state area. If I want to be subjected to an Elementary spelling competition I'll turn on the Game Show Network and watch a plastic-faced Chuck Woolery and that big titted, too hot for porn, too skanky for Soap Operas bimbo host Lingo!. If you want a team cheer at least come up with something witty like the University of Texas cheer squad did when they used to play Rice University every year in the old "if you ain't cheatin', you ain't tryin'" Southwest Conference:
Texas Cheerleaders: "What comes out of a Chinaman's ass?"
Longhorn Fans: "Rice! Rice! Rice!"
Now that's a cheer. Nonetheless let's get to the real issue here- how will this game play out?
As we mentioned before Rex Ryan is one of the cockiest coaches around which should come as no surprise considering he was hired by an owner named Woody Johnson (that's irony Alanis Morrisette, not a fly in your soup, that's just unfortunate). Confidence, brashness the ability to motivate a team to play beyond it's ability are great qualities in a coach, but attitude and pep talks can only take you so far past your talent level. So is today the day Rex's cockiness gets Lorena Bobbitt-ed? Sadly we think so (sorry Brian).
Mike Tomlin may not be as colorful as the "John Kruk of the Toe Suck", but he can also coach up some D. In their November meeting the Steelers held the Jets to 276 total yards, outgained them by over 100 yards and that was without difference-maker Troy Polamalu who will play today. Additionally the Jets were not exactly Hawk and Animal (that's Road Warriors, I'm on a 1980's wrestling jag today) in the second half of the year. They should have lost back-to-back away games at lowly Cleveland and Detroit, then were demolished at New England. They righted the ship somewhat with the win in Pitt, but then were gashed for 38 points and three 25+ yard TD passes in the third quarter alone at Chicago.
And that last point may be critical. The Bears have vertical threats in Johnny Knox and Devin Hester who hauled in those three TDs. The Colts "field stretcher" Pierre Garcon went for 117 yards in the Wild Card round, but the Patriots had no such option beyond the Methusalean Deion Branch. Pittsburgh, conversely, sports the perfect complement to cause trouble for the Jets in possesion man Hines Ward and full blown deep threat Mike Wallace. Add this to the fact that I'd much rather support Ben Roethlisberger than ride the Mark Sanchez rollercoaster (62.4 QB Rate vs. Ind., 127.3 vs. N.E.) in a big game. If the Steelers somewhat makeshift OL can play Viagra and keep Big Ben reasonably erect we like their chances against a Jet team that may have peaked for their Patriots grudge match. We'll call it STEELERS and UNDER-follow at your own risk.
Green Bay -3.5/42.5
In the Bizarro Universe that is the parity of the NFL we have here a #6 seed on the road vs. a #2 and giving more than a FG. This is solely because the sports world at large has finally "discovered" Aaron Rodgers which creates a multi-dimensional dilemma in our thinking. Having had Rodgers on our Fantasy teams the last two years we adore him with the kind of love that's usually reserved for Rectories after Altar Boy practice. Still we hate to jump on a bandwagon because they tend to overturn with the fat, zit-faced tuba player usually landing right on top of us- metaphorically speaking. We would also love the under in Lock of the Year fashion if it weren't for that 10-3 game that might have the public leaning that way today.
So to hell with it all. Like John Prine's protagonist in "Often is a Word I Seldom Use", I literally am "cold and tired and can't stop coughing" (damn those mucus-addled students) so I'm gonna say PACKERS and UNDER hoping that Vegas will balance the books and the aforementioned regression will rear its ugly head after the Over went 4-0 in last week's contests. Eat, drink and be nauseous- Enjoy the games!
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Rex Ryan's All-Foot Fetish Squad- The Defense
If you're dropping by here for the rapier wit or, more likely, the Jennifer Walcott pics let us first say thanks and add that the Offense version is available in the previous post. Also we have old school wrestling profiles under the "Crimson Mask" and "Seminal Slut" titles as well as Mets joshing and news, notes and handicapping advice from the 2011 NFL/CFB seasons at the top of the blog. Stupid, low brow, semi-erotic...no need to thank us, this is what we do.
Before I conclude this Saturday night like so many before- cursing Andy Samberg amidst the rubble of Meisterbrau empties then falling asleep with my hand down my pants to the Shortcut to Internet Millions infomercial
like a drunken Al Bundy I believe I owe you the defense edition of Wes Welker's Rex Ryan All-Stars. Enjoy!
DE: Lester Archambeau (Atl./'90-00)- From nearby Mount Olive, New Jersey which always reminds of the joke, "Last time I went to Mount Olive...Popeye kicked the crap outta me!" I'm a simple man, really.
DT: Dan Footman (Ind./'93-98)- Had 10.5 sacks in 10 starts in '97 then played only 3 more games in the NFL due to injuries (apparently he wouldn't take "the needle" like Delma in North Dallas Forty). His player comp at Pro Football Reference is listed as Ebenezer Ekuban, a name that always makes me wonder why people in the 1800s felt the need to wear floppy, tasseled hats to bed?
DT: Loren Toews (Pit./'73-83)- Daughter owns independent label Lujo Records home to such bands as The Dark Romantics (wasn't one Romantics enough), Baby Teeth, The Out Circuit and Mouse Fire, who has been billed by the S.F. Chronicle as "a throwback to Air Supply"- a statement that has now officially replaced "at least you have your health" under the definition of "Damned By Faint Praise".
DE: Matt Toeaina (Chi./Current)- One of the seemingly inordinate number of Samoans involved in either Professional Football or Wrestling. No word on whether he's given a "Rikishi Stinkface" to any opponents yet.
LB: Larry Foote (Pit./Current)- Functional, steady, boring as all hell. Katie Holmes without the Scientology.
LB: Joe Pawelek (Sea./Current)- Academic All-American at Baylor who was lucky to just miss the Kevin Steele coaching era there. Steele is most remembered as the DL coach of the Panthers that Kevin Greene choked during a Nationally televised game, but he also committed a coaching blunder so egregious it makes Herman Edwards look like a Clock Management Maestro. In his first game at Baylor and needing simply to have his QB take a knee at the opponents 2 yard line to win the game Steele called timeout pulled his entire offense to the sideline and announced that under his tutelage Baylor didn't take a knee. Cue the Joe Pisarcik fumble and 98 yards later Steele was 0-1 on his way to 9-36 in 3 seasons. Nice job tough guy (http://espn.go.com/page2/s/list/worstdecisions.html).
LB: Na'il Diggs (St.L./Current)- Truthfully I got nothing here, but the apostrophe in the first name is a nice touch. I mean it's no tilde, German umlaut or slash through the "o" like in Soren Kierkegaard, but you take what you can get.
CB: Jacob Lacey (Ind./Current)- Apparently planned his interception return TD dance as a kid, got his chance second game in courtesy of Marc Bulger...and was promptly penalized for excessive celebration and benched by Jim Caldwell. Which reminds us that next year in the NCAA excessive celebrations after scores will result in a 15 yard penalty from the previous spot thereby nullifying the TD. I see a record breaking Steve Spurrier visor toss in there somewhere.
CB: Ashton Youboty (Buf./Current)- One of 4 current players born in Liberia. Who knew? Established in 1821 by the the Henry Clay founded American Colonazition Society on the premise that freed black slaves would have a greater chance at freedom and prosperity there. Today Liberians are fresh off nearly 30 years of Civil War and 85% of the population live on $1.25 or less a day. Or as the "Great Compromiser's" family recently announced in a press release, "Our bad."
SS: John Booty (Phi./'88-95)- Drafted out of TCU in the 10th round which harkens back to the days when the NFL draft was held in the backroom of some gin mill with no Combine, computers or even comprehensive knowledge of the players available leading teams to draft the likes of Andre the Giant (Washington Redskins) or Bruce Jenner (L.A. Rams) in some Old Grandad inspired moment of inspiration. Good times!
FS: Adam Archuleta (St.L./'01-07)- Poster child for what the ESPN talking heads have wrought on common sense. Archuleta was a workout warrior and big hitter drafted 20th overall in 2001. His occasional bone jarring tackles were repeated ad nauseum on shows like NFL Live while the fact he couldn't cover "Smoke on the Water" with a year of guitar lessons went completely unmentioned. The idea is to make Big Plays not Big Hits, but Big Hits sell so we are constantly subjected to the idea that Mark Kelso, "the other" Roy Williams and their like were stars. Archuleta cashed in on this misguided theory of talent in 2006 when Washington made him the highest paid Safety in the game. He lasted one season and brought back a 6th round pick from the Bears in a deal not unlike Felix and Oscar trading the cash for a lifetime supply of canned squid on the Monte Hall Odd Couple episode. He recently crapped out in a tryout with the Raiders, but on the bright side he married Playboy's Miss August 2001, Jennifer Walcott. According to the Playmate website (which I blame for this post being so late) Ms. Walcott dreamed of becoming a vet and poet as a child. She opted for implants out of High School, little Fido be damned, but she has released a book of her poetry though we assume by these photos that Charles Bukowski she's not...
Who needs Walt Whitman..."Leaves of Grass", my ass!
Before I conclude this Saturday night like so many before- cursing Andy Samberg amidst the rubble of Meisterbrau empties then falling asleep with my hand down my pants to the Shortcut to Internet Millions infomercial
like a drunken Al Bundy I believe I owe you the defense edition of Wes Welker's Rex Ryan All-Stars. Enjoy!DE: Lester Archambeau (Atl./'90-00)- From nearby Mount Olive, New Jersey which always reminds of the joke, "Last time I went to Mount Olive...Popeye kicked the crap outta me!" I'm a simple man, really.
DT: Dan Footman (Ind./'93-98)- Had 10.5 sacks in 10 starts in '97 then played only 3 more games in the NFL due to injuries (apparently he wouldn't take "the needle" like Delma in North Dallas Forty). His player comp at Pro Football Reference is listed as Ebenezer Ekuban, a name that always makes me wonder why people in the 1800s felt the need to wear floppy, tasseled hats to bed?
DT: Loren Toews (Pit./'73-83)- Daughter owns independent label Lujo Records home to such bands as The Dark Romantics (wasn't one Romantics enough), Baby Teeth, The Out Circuit and Mouse Fire, who has been billed by the S.F. Chronicle as "a throwback to Air Supply"- a statement that has now officially replaced "at least you have your health" under the definition of "Damned By Faint Praise".
DE: Matt Toeaina (Chi./Current)- One of the seemingly inordinate number of Samoans involved in either Professional Football or Wrestling. No word on whether he's given a "Rikishi Stinkface" to any opponents yet.
LB: Larry Foote (Pit./Current)- Functional, steady, boring as all hell. Katie Holmes without the Scientology.
LB: Joe Pawelek (Sea./Current)- Academic All-American at Baylor who was lucky to just miss the Kevin Steele coaching era there. Steele is most remembered as the DL coach of the Panthers that Kevin Greene choked during a Nationally televised game, but he also committed a coaching blunder so egregious it makes Herman Edwards look like a Clock Management Maestro. In his first game at Baylor and needing simply to have his QB take a knee at the opponents 2 yard line to win the game Steele called timeout pulled his entire offense to the sideline and announced that under his tutelage Baylor didn't take a knee. Cue the Joe Pisarcik fumble and 98 yards later Steele was 0-1 on his way to 9-36 in 3 seasons. Nice job tough guy (http://espn.go.com/page2/s/list/worstdecisions.html).
LB: Na'il Diggs (St.L./Current)- Truthfully I got nothing here, but the apostrophe in the first name is a nice touch. I mean it's no tilde, German umlaut or slash through the "o" like in Soren Kierkegaard, but you take what you can get.
CB: Jacob Lacey (Ind./Current)- Apparently planned his interception return TD dance as a kid, got his chance second game in courtesy of Marc Bulger...and was promptly penalized for excessive celebration and benched by Jim Caldwell. Which reminds us that next year in the NCAA excessive celebrations after scores will result in a 15 yard penalty from the previous spot thereby nullifying the TD. I see a record breaking Steve Spurrier visor toss in there somewhere.
CB: Ashton Youboty (Buf./Current)- One of 4 current players born in Liberia. Who knew? Established in 1821 by the the Henry Clay founded American Colonazition Society on the premise that freed black slaves would have a greater chance at freedom and prosperity there. Today Liberians are fresh off nearly 30 years of Civil War and 85% of the population live on $1.25 or less a day. Or as the "Great Compromiser's" family recently announced in a press release, "Our bad."
SS: John Booty (Phi./'88-95)- Drafted out of TCU in the 10th round which harkens back to the days when the NFL draft was held in the backroom of some gin mill with no Combine, computers or even comprehensive knowledge of the players available leading teams to draft the likes of Andre the Giant (Washington Redskins) or Bruce Jenner (L.A. Rams) in some Old Grandad inspired moment of inspiration. Good times!
FS: Adam Archuleta (St.L./'01-07)- Poster child for what the ESPN talking heads have wrought on common sense. Archuleta was a workout warrior and big hitter drafted 20th overall in 2001. His occasional bone jarring tackles were repeated ad nauseum on shows like NFL Live while the fact he couldn't cover "Smoke on the Water" with a year of guitar lessons went completely unmentioned. The idea is to make Big Plays not Big Hits, but Big Hits sell so we are constantly subjected to the idea that Mark Kelso, "the other" Roy Williams and their like were stars. Archuleta cashed in on this misguided theory of talent in 2006 when Washington made him the highest paid Safety in the game. He lasted one season and brought back a 6th round pick from the Bears in a deal not unlike Felix and Oscar trading the cash for a lifetime supply of canned squid on the Monte Hall Odd Couple episode. He recently crapped out in a tryout with the Raiders, but on the bright side he married Playboy's Miss August 2001, Jennifer Walcott. According to the Playmate website (which I blame for this post being so late) Ms. Walcott dreamed of becoming a vet and poet as a child. She opted for implants out of High School, little Fido be damned, but she has released a book of her poetry though we assume by these photos that Charles Bukowski she's not...
Who needs Walt Whitman..."Leaves of Grass", my ass!
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Picks Part Deaux
Yesterday: 1-3
Sides: 1-1
Totals: 0-2
This is why I no longer bet, but let's forge ahead anyway. One note- like most people I generally end up over the long run hitting about 50%. In real world gambling terms that's far from good enough because the vig will eat you alive (52.3% is truly break even). But for our "entertainment purposes" here it could lead to some interesting plays in that if I get well under .500 it may be time to jump aboard as my selections even out or if I hit a 4,5 or 6 game win streak it might be beneficial to go against these picks. You decide, but please gamble responsibly (actually I could care less, bet the ranch, it'll be your wife on your ass).
Baltimore -3/40.5
The Ravens are trying to get back to The Big Game for the first time since they won the worst QB matchup in Super Bowl history (Trent Dilfer vs. Kerry Collins) outside of SB XVII, Joe Theismann vs. David Woodley (it could've been Woodley vs. Montana, Unitas or "Slingin" Sammy Baugh- he was just that bad http://www.pro-football-reference.com/players/W/WoodDa00.htm). The Chiefs are very tough at home, but have played a super soft schedule and are extremely young. The Ravens defense is not the total shut down unit from several years back, but it's still tough. Offensively they've found more balance of late after forgetting about the versatile Ray Rice for stretches early in the year. In his 3rd season Joe Flacco is playoff seasoned with wins at N.E., Mia. and Ten. already under his belt. The Chiefs are still building, the Ravens are there already so we'll say Baltimore and Over and if the number is 3.5 "buy the hook" (if you have to ask what that means you probably shouldn't be wagering).
Philadelphia -2.5/46.5
I'm no Chippendale Dancer, in fact these days I'm more like a Chip-A-Hoy Dancer, but I'm sorry Andy Reid is FAT! He's also an excellent coach who probably won't truly be recognized for his genius until he wins a Super Bowl. Not sure if this is the year, but he does have some excellent weapons in Michael Vick, D-Jax, Maclin and McCoy. Is there enough D? It's hard to say, but the NFC heirarchy looks considerably weaker than the AFC's so the Eagles have a good chance. Mike McCarthy can also coach up some offense and Aaron Rodgers is a flat-out stud who should be Top 5 in every Fantasy draft due to his remarkable consistency. That said the Pack seems too one-dimensional with no ground game to speak of while "Ron Mexico's Kennel Club" (I played in a Fantasy league that featured that name plus "Tom Cable's Fight Club" and "My Dinner With Dahmer") can move the ball in a myriad of ways. How 'bout Philly and Under and let's call it a day.
Andy Reid: The next generations Wilfred Brimley.
Sides: 1-1
Totals: 0-2
This is why I no longer bet, but let's forge ahead anyway. One note- like most people I generally end up over the long run hitting about 50%. In real world gambling terms that's far from good enough because the vig will eat you alive (52.3% is truly break even). But for our "entertainment purposes" here it could lead to some interesting plays in that if I get well under .500 it may be time to jump aboard as my selections even out or if I hit a 4,5 or 6 game win streak it might be beneficial to go against these picks. You decide, but please gamble responsibly (actually I could care less, bet the ranch, it'll be your wife on your ass).
Baltimore -3/40.5
The Ravens are trying to get back to The Big Game for the first time since they won the worst QB matchup in Super Bowl history (Trent Dilfer vs. Kerry Collins) outside of SB XVII, Joe Theismann vs. David Woodley (it could've been Woodley vs. Montana, Unitas or "Slingin" Sammy Baugh- he was just that bad http://www.pro-football-reference.com/players/W/WoodDa00.htm). The Chiefs are very tough at home, but have played a super soft schedule and are extremely young. The Ravens defense is not the total shut down unit from several years back, but it's still tough. Offensively they've found more balance of late after forgetting about the versatile Ray Rice for stretches early in the year. In his 3rd season Joe Flacco is playoff seasoned with wins at N.E., Mia. and Ten. already under his belt. The Chiefs are still building, the Ravens are there already so we'll say Baltimore and Over and if the number is 3.5 "buy the hook" (if you have to ask what that means you probably shouldn't be wagering).
Philadelphia -2.5/46.5
I'm no Chippendale Dancer, in fact these days I'm more like a Chip-A-Hoy Dancer, but I'm sorry Andy Reid is FAT! He's also an excellent coach who probably won't truly be recognized for his genius until he wins a Super Bowl. Not sure if this is the year, but he does have some excellent weapons in Michael Vick, D-Jax, Maclin and McCoy. Is there enough D? It's hard to say, but the NFC heirarchy looks considerably weaker than the AFC's so the Eagles have a good chance. Mike McCarthy can also coach up some offense and Aaron Rodgers is a flat-out stud who should be Top 5 in every Fantasy draft due to his remarkable consistency. That said the Pack seems too one-dimensional with no ground game to speak of while "Ron Mexico's Kennel Club" (I played in a Fantasy league that featured that name plus "Tom Cable's Fight Club" and "My Dinner With Dahmer") can move the ball in a myriad of ways. How 'bout Philly and Under and let's call it a day.
Andy Reid: The next generations Wilfred Brimley.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Perilous Pigskin Prognostications
As with my college selections please don't wire the baby's college fund to Antigua in anticipation of doubling up this weekend. However, for entertainment purposes here's my feelings on Saturday's games:
New Orleans -10/44
Alright, the Seahawks should be ousted faster than Chuck from Happy Days, but what about the number. Sure playing at rowdy Qwest Field means the Saints have to run a gauntlet only slightly less daunting than The Warriors trying to get back to Coney Island, but baseball wielding clowns aside this is not the rookie-laden Rams coming in here, but the veteran-led Super Bowl Champs. The last similiar team to play in Seattle, the Giants, bombed Pete Carroll and crew 41-7. We don't expect as much from the run challenged defending champs, but even with Hasselbeck expected to play we'll say Saints and the Under and hope Seattle doesn't score 17 at which point we'd be unable to win both sides.
Indianapolis -2.5/44.5
The Jets, with their staunch run D and shutdown corner (Revis), would have a field day against the run heavy/one receiver (Bowe) Chiefs. Here they get a much more difficult test in Peyton Manning. After watching the Jets get dumped by the Bears in Chicago it appeared they're vaunted D had become as vunerable as a recently fired exotic dancer with Daddy issues. In their last 3 road games (NE, PIT, CHI) they allowed 8 TD passes and 2 hundred yard rushers. So Peyton should get his points. But then so should the Jets. NY is much more balanced this year with a near 50-50 pass/run split and the WR corp is significantly upgraded with postseason stalwart Santonio Holmes. Indy has not held an opponent under 20 pts. in the last 7 weeks and that includes 3 games vs. the TD-challenged Jags and Titans, as well as, being pole-axed for 38 at home by Jon Kitna and the Cowboys. Putting this altogether or more likely just losing strength in my hunt-and-peck finger I'll wrap it up with Over and the JETS. Good luck and enjoy the games.
New Orleans -10/44
Alright, the Seahawks should be ousted faster than Chuck from Happy Days, but what about the number. Sure playing at rowdy Qwest Field means the Saints have to run a gauntlet only slightly less daunting than The Warriors trying to get back to Coney Island, but baseball wielding clowns aside this is not the rookie-laden Rams coming in here, but the veteran-led Super Bowl Champs. The last similiar team to play in Seattle, the Giants, bombed Pete Carroll and crew 41-7. We don't expect as much from the run challenged defending champs, but even with Hasselbeck expected to play we'll say Saints and the Under and hope Seattle doesn't score 17 at which point we'd be unable to win both sides.
Indianapolis -2.5/44.5
The Jets, with their staunch run D and shutdown corner (Revis), would have a field day against the run heavy/one receiver (Bowe) Chiefs. Here they get a much more difficult test in Peyton Manning. After watching the Jets get dumped by the Bears in Chicago it appeared they're vaunted D had become as vunerable as a recently fired exotic dancer with Daddy issues. In their last 3 road games (NE, PIT, CHI) they allowed 8 TD passes and 2 hundred yard rushers. So Peyton should get his points. But then so should the Jets. NY is much more balanced this year with a near 50-50 pass/run split and the WR corp is significantly upgraded with postseason stalwart Santonio Holmes. Indy has not held an opponent under 20 pts. in the last 7 weeks and that includes 3 games vs. the TD-challenged Jags and Titans, as well as, being pole-axed for 38 at home by Jon Kitna and the Cowboys. Putting this altogether or more likely just losing strength in my hunt-and-peck finger I'll wrap it up with Over and the JETS. Good luck and enjoy the games.
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