Live From The Newbomb Turk Memorial Library (CFB Notes)

    For those who have been here before you know the drill. For all the newcomers welcome to the biggest waste of time since I spent that weekend watching an entire Wings marathon on USA Network...though it did take some of the sting outta Crystal Bernard's lawyer getting the Restraining Order bumped back to 50 feet...Anyway welcome all and enjoy our depraved, dipsomaniacal dementia before the Board of Ed. subpoenas my Hard Drive and more than this blog "goes away".

Crystal Bernard: Wings' answer to Gilligan's Island's Mary Ann and a stalker's Courtney Thorne-Smith backup plan.

CFB Notes
--In his first tour at Kansas State (1989-05) HC Bill Snyder was known for two things-turning around one of the worst programs in the NCAA and playing a non-conference schedule softer than the Placebo Control group in an Erectile Dysfunction trial. During that run the Wildcats would rise steadily in the polls through mid-November, twice reaching #2 in the nation, before being exposed late in the year. Most famously blowing a chance at the National Title tilt by losing to Texas A&M as a 14 point fave in the '98 Big 12 Championship game.
    So all this casts in doubt K-State's surprising 5-0 start and current #17 ranking. At first glance though one might think this isn't your father's KSU. Sure they opened with Eastern Kentucky and Kent State, but wins vs. Miami (FL), #15 Baylor and Missouri seem to solidify their Top 25 credentials, but digging a bit deeper even these wins aren't all they could be. They've been outgained in each effort, but have survived via +3 turnovers and an unsustainable 52% conversions on 3rd and 4th down combined. They also have an aerial attack that barely matches the Egyptians during the Six Day War throwing for an anemic 127 ypg. Today the Wildcats travel to Texas Tech and are +3.5 despite playing a squad that barely nipped a putrid Kansas club and allows 224 ypg on the ground. If they don't get tripped up here they'll likely be 7-0 heading into a 4 week run of Oklahoma, Oklahoma St., Texas A&M and Texas starting October 29. Wager as you see fit.

--I recently changed the occupation listing on my FaceBook profile to read "Gentlemen Farmer" which prompted a torrid of "WTF" (why the face?) messages from dismayed friends and family. To date it's unclear whether they take umbrage with me calling myself a "Farmer" or a "Gentlemen", but chances are it's a little from Column A and a little from Column B.
    Conversely when people made the idea of "Student-Athletes" on the Florida football program a running joke during Steve Spurrier's tenure in the '90's it was more than obvious which half of that monicker they took offense with. Add in the fact that UF once tried to trademark the phrase "World's Biggest Outdoor Cocktail Party" for their game with Georgia in order to cash in on the t-shirt revenue (and isn't that the choicest plum of them all) and that Spurrier himself when told a fire had destroyed over 10,000 books at the UGA Library commented, "that's too bad, I heard some of them weren't even colored yet" you get the idea that the relationship between football and scholastics was akin to that of Hannity to Colmes; or at least should've been written something like this, student-ATHLETES.
    So when people were shocked that Spurrier kicked QB Stephen Garcia off the Gamecock roster this week it seemed odd. Sure Garcia was suspended for the seemingly minor infraction of failing a test, a Sharia Law-like move that seems akin to getting the Death Penalty in Thailand for banging a 14 year-old...I mean, when in Rome...And I know Garcia had been booted 5 times previously, but as '80's MLB-er Steve "Slowhand" Howe can attest 6 offenses ain't necessarily the charm. No Garcia got canned because last week backup QB Connor Shaw stepped into the starter's role and delivered 311 yards and 4 TDs on the way to a 54-3 rout. This is how Dictatorship's work. You're survival is linked to your usefulness to the King...so goodbye Stephen Garcia we hardly knew Ye!

--And speaking of Dictators during his run as Reichs-Fuhrer of Germany Adolph Hitler presided over the domestic killing sprees "The Night of Long Knives" and "The Night of Broken Glass" which always led us to believe that the best way to survive a totalitarian regime was to not go out at night.
    Similiarly the best way to stay hired as a FBS Head Coach this year is to not be named "Mike". Less than two weeks after New Mexico canned Mike Locksley Arizona made Mike Stoops the second HC to be fired in season.
    Stoops, of course, is the brother of highly successful Oklahoma coach Bob Stoops, but apparently Jim and John Harbaugh they're not. Mike, the Jeremy to Bob's Jason Giambi, has hovered around .500 for his entire 41-50 tenure at U of A though he did turn in 3 straight minor bowl appearances over the last 3 years. Still whenever I see a family member of a great coach get a job it reminds me of the collosal injustice the cheapest man in football, Mike Brown, perpertrated on Cincinnati Bengals' fans in the '90's. With the faithful screaming for a big name coach to be hired after the departure of Sam Wyche in 1992 Brown gave the people what they wanted and hired Shula. Oh no not Don, but David Shula who as QBs coach in Dallas had been passed over 3 times for the Offensive Coordinator job by HC Jimmy Johnson. Oh yeah, Davey was no Goliath going 19-52 in 4 and a half seasons in Cinncy. So let this be a lesson if you're ever named an NFL GM or major college AD. You're not disecting peapods with Gregor Mendel here...or, in other words, coaching talent is not always in the genes.

Looks like OU you got the best in this set of twins as well...

--Finally some quick hits...Notre Dame scored 50 points last week for the first time since 2003. In fact since Lou Holtz left ND has topped the big 5-0 only twice and followed those efforts with non-covering performances vs. Navy (21-17 win) in '97 and Syracuse (38-12 loss) in '03. They're off this week and still haven't cracked the Top 25 so maybe the public isn't completely on the bandwagon yet, but as we mentioned last week keep an eye open for Go Against situations as the season progresses. One possibility: Nov. 5 at Wake Forest...Also last week we mentioned Tulsa being underrated due to a killer early sked. Today they get a bad UAB team with a coach, Frank Callaway, who has one foot on a banana peel and one foot in a radio color analyst job. The Golden Hurricane is laying 21 there...And finally Jerry Seinfeld has a bit where he says when he sees traffic that's completely stopped he wonders what's going to happen in the future. Are people actually going to be going backwards? Last week the Over on points scored by Vandy against Alabama was 3. They didn't cover which led me to wonder if the line could actually be negative when they faced LSU. Sadly they're not scheduled.

Too bad Vandy fans, a trip to Baton Rouge mighta been worth the drubbing. And as for the girl on the right, is it possible for a body to be so hot it's painful?

--Now for some picks. Last week we went 2-0 with West Virginia and the Rutgers/Pitt Under, but as the mutual fund people are always sure to tell us past success does not guarantee future results. Today let's try the aforementioned Tulsa at -21 and sticking with the C-USA how 'bout UTEP +1.5 over Tulane in what could be a shootout (the number's at 57). Good luck and enjoy the games.

--Please check in with our new advertiser's in the upper right if you want to keep this whole pile of bad puns and sexist snark alive. Also some of our friends are blogging away @ http://www.jaredssportsriff.com/ and http://www.tinymindgazette.com/. Check 'em out while I partake in a tankard of Milwaukee's Best by which, sadly, I don't mean one of America's finest domestic beers, but literally Milwaukee's Best...any port in a storm, I guess.

Springboard To A Super Bowl Sex Romp

    The Buddha of Basketball coaches John Wooden is quoted as saying, "A life not lived for others is not worth living." However, after nearly a decade at various positions in the world of education I can see where it would have it's advantages.

    Fortunately while Kinky Friedman was right in his assessment that "they ain't making Jews like Jesus anymore" they are making ones, in my district at least, that moaned and complained the way to getting me a much needed 4-day weekend in honor of Rosh Hashanah. So to them I raise my glass of Manischewitz and say, "L'chaim"!

    Of course that should've meant that this post didn't come down to the wire on CFB gameday as usual, but not unexpectedly yours truly and a few colleagues used the time off to give new meaning to the expression "High Holidays" so here we are again. Nonetheless I will forge through this Herculean hangover to bring you the Saturday sports snarkiness you so crave...or at least the requisite pinup girls and spread selections you can go against...but let's start with...

MLB

--Wow Boston and Atlanta what can we say? We haven't seen such symmetrical chokes since John Bonham and Keith Moon both decided to sleep on their backs. The Braves were in trouble early after Houston's Brett Myers got lit up like Richard Pryor on a Freebase binge allowing 7 hits and 5 runs in the first inning to the Cardinals, but the Red Sox turned in the biggest Boston gag since Albert DeSalvo got locked up.
    First the Yankees lose a 7 run lead, then Paplebon blows the save and finally the Rays win on a walk-off and before you know it every "whiskey-dicked" Mick from Cheers to the Beacon Hill Pub was thinking move over Bucky Dent and Aaron Boone because Dan "F---ing" Johnson (with his .108 average) and Evan "F---ing" Longoria just joined the club.
    And in a final note to Sawx fans is it possible the Yankees were just screwing with you when they sent Scott Proctor, who has an E.R.A. over 6 in each of his last 3 seasons, out there for a third inning of work? Remember just cause you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you...

CFB

--The Mississippi State/Louisiana Tech and South Carolina/Vanderbilt games were airing simultaneously on consecutive channels on my cable system last week and flipping back and forth one got a lesson on how to coach defense on the College level.
    In the pros pretty much everybody has a vertical passing game, but in CFB this is often not the case. Both Vandy and LA Tech came into their respective road games last week with the same idea-run the ball and throw short, safe passes that would spend less time in the air than Buddy Holly on "The Day The Music Died". Vandy because their QB is a run first option type and Tech because they were starting a 17 year old true freshmen in a hostile environment.
    Against this South Carolina DC Lorenzo Ward chose to blitz incessantly, bring his safeties up close and play press coverage on the corners. Thus the Commodores' QBs completely barely 60 % of their passes for a ridiculously low 3.7 yards per pass and were held to 44 yards total offense for the game. Conversely Mississippi State decided to stay mostly in their Rush 4/Cover 7 zone defense and yielded 73% completions and 359 yards in total offense to a QB that shaves less than Chaz Bono. Sure MSU won by 6, but this is a team that looks like it will give up a lot of points and a lot of Overs as the meat of SEC sked unfolds.

--Last week we apologize for handing out two luke-warm suggestions (Mississippi St. and Troy) that failed to cover. What we should've done when the slate of games yielded no strong feelings is revert back to an old standby theory of ours-play against teams that appear for the first time in the AP Top 25 (particularly if those teams are on the road). That number in parantheses next to a team name tends to inflate their worth in the eyes of the public when in fact their ascension may just be a case of beating up on weak sisters while teams facing tougher foes and losing drop out of the polls. Last week USC jumped up to #23 while slipping past the uninspiring trio of Minnesota, Utah and Syracuse all in the Coliseum. In their first road tilt they wound up at unranked Arizona State and were actually getting points. The resulting 43-22 drubbing knocked them into the "Also Receiving Votes" section of this week's poll and sent HC Lane Kiffin into a spiral of depression until he remembered this is his wife...

Layla Kiffin...film study, schmilm study Coach Kiffin's gotta get home.

--In a similiar vein Clemson popped into the Top 25 last week following their win at home vs. an overrated Auburn. This week they take to the road for the first time against Virginia Tech who'll be laying 7. Looks like a good size number, but that's what Arkansas backers said about the two TDs they were getting from 'Bama last week...we're going with the Hokies.

--Another team to watch along these lines is Notre Dame. Since the Irish started 0-2 they haven't hit the Top 25 yet, but because they are such a "public" team whatever way they are trending it's generally advisable to bet the opposite. For example after their two loss start this year folks were jumping off the ND bandwagon like turn of the century immigrants from the Triangle Shirtwaist building just in time to see them shock the betting world by covering at -6 vs. Michigan State. Last week they went to Pitt with their stock on the rise and won outright, but failed to cover. Today they're giving John Holmes-like wood against a God awful Purdue team so things could go either way. Still a big win could vault them back into the Top 25 so keep an eye open for a strong go against (especially away from South Bend) in the near future.

--The late, great George Carlin used to say that "through process of elimination it was possible to determine the worst doctor in the world and what's worse is somebody has an appointment with him tomorrow." Similiarly it's possible through the same procss to determine the worst coach in FBS football, but in contrast no one is being coached by him today. That's because New Mexico HC Mike Locksley saw his season finish faster than me in a hot tub with Sofia Vergara when the University of New Mexico canned him 4 games in. Considering his 2-26 record it's hardly a shock especially in light of the Lobos recent loss to Sam Houston State in effort that had it been put up by Old Mexico against the original Sam Houston probably would've saved us the tragedy of the Alamo. Additionally "Coach Lock" has sexual harassment charges and a DWI pending against him, but I don't care what anyone says...I miss him already.

--And finally we'll throw a play out there on Michigan State +3 over Ohio State. The Buckeyes switched QBs, but still can't throw so we'll go with the more balanced Spartans and the FG.

--Oh yeah...cheerleaders...

Indeed tongues are wagging after the Sun Devils win over USC!

Also see our Women of ESPN post with Erin Andrews pics here http://bowltilithurts.blogspot.com/2011/06/something-in-way-she-says-gamecocks.html

NFL Notes Tomorrow A.M.