Happy Sailors Dancing On A Sinking Ship

    For those who have sent along birthday wishes...thanks! And to answer the question no I do not get ripped off by having my birthday on December 25th. Years ago I came up with the plan of witholding my gift to anyone who does not give me two in return. Now if we could only get the NCAA to adopt this +1 approach, well...

Oh and before I forget...Happy Birthday to friggin' me...


    Funny how it always takes the school's annual Symphonic Holiday Concert to remind me just how many Oriental students we actually have enrolled. But hats off to them for finding time in their schedules between Forensics Club, Model U.N., AP Chemistry, Girl's Volleyball and re-taking the Driver's License test over and over. I guess it's true what they say...there's always room for cello.

    Plus for the students who asked here are my Top 6 reasons for not participating in our pre-break Pajama Day II: 6. My "slanket" was in the wash...5. I was previously told I could not "dress for the job I want"...4. Two words: Nocturnal Emission...3. I sleep in the nude and there'd have been no winners there...2. Minus the chip crumbs that was what I slept in the night before...and...1. I have enough trouble staying awake there the way it is.

    And lastly is there anyone more annoying than those Tailgating Guys in the Mobile 3G commercials who are on top of everything with their phones. What happened to the goal in life being to be left the f--- alone. Makes you long for the days of the old Joe Friday Dragnet rotary phone where when a girl gave you her number you'd have to weigh how attractive she was against how many 8's, 9's and 0's were in her number to decide whether it was worth calling her back. Or better yet the even older Andy Griffith two-handed phone where it was worthless calling those 976 sex lines because the girl would ask you to touch yourself and you'd have to rub up against a wall because you didn't have a hand free...oh right football, here we go...

CFB
--George Carlin used to say he didn't eat tomatoes because while they look nice on the outside when you bite into one inside it appears to be still in the larval stage...which is kinda how I view Rutgers HC Greg Schiano. There's no doubt Schiano has done yeoman's work in taking a program that many we're saying should drop down to the FCS level and turning it into a viable FBS team. And on the outside everything looks great what with brand new multi-million dollar facilities, strong recruiting and several minor bowl appearances. But on the inside, i.e. game day, things are not quite so rosy. Despite the successful records Jersey Greg has proven time and again to be a poor in-game coach who hasn't been able to get over the hump and break through to a top tier bowl despite having a lot of NFL level talent (check your favorite team's roster) in an extremely weak BCS conference.
    Nothing proves this better than his astounding 0-11 record versus West Virginia, the team to beat in the post Miami (FL)/Virginia Tech Big East. This year Rutgers not only succumbed to the Mountaineers again, but with the conference title still in reach may have delivered the signature loss of the Schiano era when they fell to then 4-6 Connecticut and retread coach Paul Pasqualoni 40-22 in their season finale.
   Which all brings us to our Bowl selections and "Fred's Picks" Early Bowl Lock-Iowa State +2 over Rutgers in the Dec. 30 Pinstripe Bowl. And while we're at it let's also give you the BeyondTheBets.com top Bowl Underdog plays of Iowa +14 over Oklahoma and Washington +9.5 over Baylor. In the former the Hawkeyes coach Kirk Ferentz is 7-2 ATS in Bowl Games including 5 outright wins in 7 games as a Dog and catches a banged up Sooner team that thought they'd be playing for the National Title before a late season swoon. As for the Huskies the key may be underrated HC Steve Sarkisian who in his brief tenure in the great Northwest has gone 5-0 SU/ATS in games in which he has had more than a week to prepare including a 19-7 upset of Nebraska as an 11.5 point Dog in their bowl last year.
    So to recap our Bowl plays so far are Iowa State +2 (Fred's Pick), Florida St. -3 (my pick), Washington +9.5 & Iowa +14 (BeyondTheBets) and Oklahoma State -4 (my pick). God Bless Us All...Everyone!

NFL
--The comedian Nick DiPaolo in discussing elderly women who opt for plastic surgery points out that if you're going to get your face tightened don't forget about the area below your chin lest you wind up with the forehead of a 16 year-old girl and the neck of Snapping Turtle. The NFL equivalent of this oversight appears to be the Chicago Bears.
    Now I'm no huge fan of Jay Cutler or Mike Martz but through the first 10 games of the season they were clicking well enough to combine with their Top 10/Brian Urlacher-lead defense to make Da Bears a serious Super Bowl contender. In all Chicago's O topped 30 points in 6 of 10 tries and their record stood at 7-3 before Cutler went down for the year. And this is where GM Jerry Angelo needed to go to work.
    You see unlike the nursery in Eric Clapton's apartment the window of opportunity in the NFL doesn't stay open forever (too soon?). With a huge decision/investment to be made concerning Matt Forte and Urlacher/Peppers not getting any younger Angelo needed to opt for more Botox or at least a cheap turtleneck to cover up the turkey-neck that is Caleb Hanie at QB and at least get the Bears to the Playoffs where maybe Cutler could be resurrected for one good run.
    It didn't happen and after close losses to the defense-less Raiders and the Tyler Palko-led Chiefs Marion Barber did his best Schleprock/Weeble impression as the unluckiest guy not to fall down at Denver and the pooch was screwed. Had Angelo swung a deal for Kyle Orton (he couldn't beat the Chiefs on the waiver wire) or trolled for a Seneca Wallace or some other competent place holder who knows what might have happened. Sunday night ex-Raider castoff Josh McCown starts against Green Bay and can pretty much not help but being an improvement, yet alas it appears the Atlanta and Detroit wins last week will have the Bears on the outside looking in. Another plastic surgery disaster that could make even Suzanne Somers sad.

Actually this might be the kid from Mask, I really didn't check it thoroughly...

--Two weeks ago people said we were on crack for picking the Seattle Seahawks to make the playoffs. First let me say I would never smoke anything that is named after a part of my ass and second it should be noted that Pete Carroll's crew currently stands at #7 in the NFC with the best chance to get to the Big Dance if Atlanta or Detroit stumble.
    The Falcons play Tampa Bay at home the final week so they're basically in, but the Lions may still have problems. First off they get the red-hot Chargers today at home before finishing at Green Bay. Neither of those are sure things even if last week's loss means the Pack rests their starters, as extreme cold and snow could still be an issue for the Dome-bound Detroiters. Meanwhile Seattle gets San Francisco today and Arizona in the finale. It's still a longshot that needs tiebreaker help, but hey the Lions have had exactly two kickers (Eddie Murray, Jason Hanson) in the last 31 years and if that could happen why the Hell not this?

 How old am I on this Birthday? Let's just say my first thought on seeing this picture was..."she's just asking for back problems".

--In a day of many big games the biggest may be the virtual playoff elimination matchup between the Jets and the Giants. A lot has been made in recent weeks of Tom Coughlin's abysmal 2nd half record with New York and certainly that is something to be considered. But remember the Giants did have a heckuva 2nd half run in winning the Super Bowl in 2007 and a quick perusal of their sked from November on this year indicates they may have an excuse for their recent troubles.
    Starting on 11/6 the Gi'nts faced N.E., S.F., Phi., N.O., G.B., Dal., Was. That's 5 division leaders among their 7 opponents and 2 of those games they won. On the other hand the Jets over this same period took on Buf. (twice), N.E., Den., Was., K.C., Phi. with wins coming only over the injury-riddled Bills, the Palko-led Chiefs and the Redskins. Of the three common opponents in those games (N.E., Phi., Was.) both the New Yorkers went 1-2 but the Giants were outscored only 44-60 while the Jets put up 69 points but were garretted for 101 against.
    It's hard to look worse than Eli and the Giants did last week, but Off The Marky Mark Sanchez and the Jets gave it a helluva try in Philly. Fred and I are off this one, but if you're inclined toward investing here keep the recent scheduling dichotomy in mind before plunging ahead.

--Fred's Pick is back to a normal font after last week's Jets play, but he still stands at a profitable 7-4-1 on the year. Today's advice is to go with the hot hand of Kyle (Don't Call Me Ol' Ace) Orton and the Chiefs at -2 over Oakland. And after a week off we're back on the bandwagon here. Orton finally gives the Chiefs a reasonable offensive prescence that even Matt Cassell didn't provide and the defense under Romeo Crennel has held division leaders Green Bay, Pittsburgh and Denver all under 20 points in recent weeks. Oakland's playoff hopes were crushed like Giles Corey at the Salem Witch Trials with Detroit's miracle comeback last week and now they must venture to Arrowhead Stadium a setting known league-wide for being more hostile than the Double Deuce bar in Roadhouse. K.C. pressured Aaron Rodgers into a mere 80.1 QB Rate last week. They should have even more success against an interception-prone Carson Palmer today. Good luck.

--According to BeyondTheBets today's top public plays are Carolina over Tampa, San Diego over Detroit and San Francisco over Seattle which to me is stunning in that Denver over Buffalo is not on that list. Has the public decided to pull a Jim Rockford and tuck and roll their way off the Tebow bandwagon after one loss? Versus a team on an 8 game, haven't even been close, losing streak? Even though Denver lost last week we were impressed that Tebow didn't go in the tank like the Detroit start, but played his game-passing a little, running for 93 yards and two TDs and putting up a reasonable 23 points. It was the defense that let them down, but against Tom Brady and the Pats that's to be expected. Denver is -2.5 in Buffalo and while we lean that way our official play will be the Seahawks +1 over the 49ers in Seattle. It's difficult to run on a Pete Carroll D and that's what S.F. wants to do. Additionally, the Niners have played only 3 road games in their last 8 winning once at John Beck's Washington against 2 losses. Add in an over-inflation in the public eye because of a Monday win over Pittsburgh in a game where Ben Roethlisberger was limping like he just had a 3 way with Bill Conlin and Jerry Sandusky and the Seahawks look like a hot team that is under the radar in this one. Finished...literally!

Seriously, why would you ever work...

A Two Pack Habit And A Motel Tan

    Now that I'm done bunching up phlegm like a Yiddish Cantor we can move on to more important issues like...Once you've lost it is it possible to find your virginity again? I'm not saying it's been awhile, but last week I found myself e-mailing our local paper wondering why they no longer list the heights and weights with the All-County Girls' sports teams. I can't make it on just the head shots alone.

    But moving on thank you to my 3rd Period class for the personalized Christmas gift. Nothing says you look like a disoriented alcoholic with a busy schedule quite like a monogrammed flask. Well at least I know someone is reading the blog.

    And finally are we done with the interminable Peanuts Christmas Specials anyway. A Charlie Brown Christmas, It's Christmastime, Charlie Brown, Charlie Brown's Christmas Tales, You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown...enough already. How 'bout making It's Called Alopecia, Charlie Brown. I mean he's 8 years old and has a hairline that makes Homer Simpson look like Ross from Friends...alright I'm better now, so let's get to football...

CFB
--This year's College Coaching Carousel reminds me of the movie Good Will Hunting where we are supposed to be excited because the lead character forsakes a life of fame and fortune to chase after his true love. But when it turns out that it's Minnie Driver's moon-face that has hit his eye like a big pizza pie...well, that's annoying.
    Similiarly CFB writers are trying to stir up enthusiasm over the offseason hirings of retreads like Charlie Weis (Kansas) and Rich Rodriguez (Arizona) or unproven newcomers like Kevin Sumlin (Texas A&M) or Larry Fedora (North Carolina), but I'm not buying it. For my money though the offseason hire that may have the biggest immediate impact is one that has surprisingly flown under the radar-Mike Leach at Washington State.
    Leach,as you may remember, was fired at Texas Tech for treating Craig James' son's concussion symptoms by keeping him locked in a closet like the love child of Anne Frank and Elian Gonzalez. One high profile lawsuit later and Leach was in the analyst booth, but it can't tarnish his record in Lubbock. Over 10 seasons Leach went 84-43, never missed a bowl and twice had the Red Raiders ranked in the Top 10 reaching as high as #2 in the latter half of the 2008 season.
    The only problem was Leach's squads perenially fell short against the bigger, faster Blue Chip-laden powerhouses at Texas, Oklahoma and Nebraska against which he went 9-17. In the Pac-12 however this shouldn't be as much of a problem. This year the conference could not even fill its bowl allottment and with LaMichael James moving on at Oregon, Stanford finding itself Luck-less and USC still dealing with the Reggie Bush probation 2012 doesn't figure to be a dominant year out West.
   The Cougars went a mere 4-8 in 2011, haven't topped .500 since 2003and will be breaking in an untested sophmore under center next year. But Leach has turned skinny nobody QBs like Kliff Kingsbury and Graham Harrell into NCAA record breakers so the potential is there for a turnaround in Pullman. They won't be BCS bowling, but still keep Washington State in mind as a potential play-on team in 2012. It's not worth chucking a Nobel Prize for, but even Minnie Driver's good for a roll in the hay every now and then.

Turning round a program like Washington State is never pretty.

--On the list of the worst people of 2011 there's the New Jersey couple who had the youngest of their three children taken away when it was discovered he was named Adolph Hitler Campbell and then there's Todd Graham.
   Last week Graham was named head coach of Arizona State after only one year at Pittsburgh in a move that could make Bobby Petrino look like George Halas.
    Making this doubly bad is that Graham also pulled the same one and done stunt at his first job as HC of Rice which he left to take the job at Tulsa where he lasted a whopping 4 seasons before heading to Pitt. You can read all the ugly lies and promises here http://rivals.yahoo.com/ncaa/football/news?slug=pf-forde_graham_quits_pitt_asu_121511 and while we see a possible "Rise of the Third Tyke" in New Jersey Graham better hope he hits it big in the desert as his sincere then see-ya act will only last as long as he's a big winner.

--In case you missed it the Bowl season started yesterday and continues ad nauseum through mid-January. Fred of Fred's Picks will be tossing out an occasional play, but beyond that and some pithy commentary when warranted we're going to stick to covering the NFL. As for our own early observations with an eye toward posted lines we see two teams that we feel are outmatched physically in their games-Notre Dame and Stanford. The Irish played 2 teams this year, Michigan and USC, who could match the size speed balance of FSU and lost both, the latter badly. And while Florida State has no real dominant win this year they did finish up 6-1 after QB E.J. Manuel got healthy in mid-October with their only loss coming by 1 point to Virginia in a sandwich game between rivals Miami (FL) and Florida. The line currently stands at FSU -3.
   And in the same vein Stanford proved to be little more than the right arm of Andrew Luck as they cruised through an embarrasingly easy early season slate only to get pole-axed for 103 points by the two most physically talented teams on their slate, USC and Oregon. Oklahoma State would be in the National Championship game, but for a inexplicable stumble vs. Iowa State and their survival in the high-flying Big 12 proves they have the speed that the Trojans and Ducks used to dominate Stanford offensively. The numbers are Okie State -4/74 in what could be the wildest shootout this side of a Slim Dunkin video set.

NFL
--First let me step out character to say thank you Tim Tebow for some exciting football...crappy football, yes...but nonetheless exciting.
    Today Yahoo! Sports among others is billing the Pats-Broncos matchup as the Game of the Week and why not. There are plenty of other important tilts with playoff implications galore, but things won't be right in the world until we can explain or explain away this whole Tebow/Bronco mania.
    Now usually I'm pretty good at this. Sure I overthink often and miss the obvious, but if it requires going outside the proverbial box I'm in my realm. For example when the answer was Ralph Manicotti in the Jeopardy! category Sitcoms everyone immediately thought "Who is Ralph Kramden's upstairs neighbor?" while I went with "What do the Olsen Twins do after eating Italian food?" An off-beat, but I'd argue equally correct response. Still there's really nothing I can come up with to justify this 6-1 Denver run other than coincidence meeting pure luck meeting shitty opponents in a house of cards that will come down sooner rather than later.
    At 4 today in Denver we predict that collapse will come at the hands of Belichick and Brady. And if you're worried about the Pats D that got lit up for 463 yards by Rex Grossman and Washington last week don't be. First off the Patriots defensive problems come against the pass, but while Ron Jaworski was the Polish Rifle Tebow is more of the Mile High Musket taking his time between shots and ineffective at long range. Against the run New England is 11th overall and has held 8 of 13 opponents under 100 yards. Figure Belichick has some schemes prepared to mess up the spread-option and he may even have been preparing ahead of time which may explain the lackadaisacal effort vs. the Redskins.
    The line is N.E. -7.5 and we'll have our pick below, but I don't care how much Tebowing the folks in Denver do this gridiron version of the Loaves and Fishes ends today.

Frankly it's late and I just liked this girl...yeah like I'm worried about sounding creepy at this point.

--FRED'S PICK: And at 7-3-1 we're giving him all caps. Today's selection is the Jets +3 and for once in recent weeks we are skeptical. We agree the Jets should be able to move the ball via the ground on Philly, but after back-to-back weeks of 30+ points it just feels like Mark Sanchez is ready to go in the tank today. We thought we'd find some sort of home/away stat that would back this up, but we couldn't. Call it a hunch similiar to how we feel about the possibility of Michael Vick creating problems with his legs like Tebow did to the Jets late in the Thurday night game a few weeks back. Still Fred's on fire and we've been stabbing wildly so place your rooting interest accordingly.

--Today according to BeyondTheBets the public is pounding Green Bay and New Orleans. The Pack over K.C. is hard to argue with, but the Saints have had their road woes this year barely slipping past Carolina and losing outright to Tampa and St. Louis. They also get rival Atlanta next week with the division title on the line so don't discount Minny +7 or +8 there. Also remember Seneca Wallace starts today for Cleveland and while he's no long term fix he does have mobility and a career 80+ QB rate neither of which Colt McCoy possesses to this point so the hot Arizona Cardinals may not be a sure thing today. As for us New England and buy the hook down to -7. I can't keep writing about Tim Tebow every week. Hungover and humiliated.

Big Boobed Brits...when all else fails!

My Dinner With Dahmer-NFL Notes Week 14

--We're back and thanks for all the well-wishes. If you want to know what the congestion of pnuemonia feels like imagine waking up in the morning with someone sitting on your chest...and not in the good way. But enough about me.

--Actually I should be out fighting the Mall hordes to make up for lost Holiday shopping time, but I just couldn't leave my (m)any fans sans a scintillating soupcon of sports sarcasm...and plus I'm outta Pepper Spray. Not to mention that hating everyone has it's advantages...I mean is it the 24th yet? Well, then I've still got time.

Fortunately this wasn't my nurse or I'd still be sick...I'd have made sure of it. Plus I woulda had the Doctor toss in a vasectomy just for the shave.

--Also a quick note to the Salvation Army. You're doing God's work, really, but you might wanna take a moment to re-think the whole bell ringing thing. Every once in a while to let folks know you're there is fine, but when you're sending Otis The Drunk from Andy Griffith out there like Quasimodo on Meth you're not making any friends. I haven't seen anyone ringing bells like that since John Byner in the "Mr. O.M. Weight Loss" episode of The Odd Couple (your welcome readers AngMute, JeffMess and MooseAllen) so how 'bout giving a hungover Wal-Mart shopper a break and maybe I'll throw ya a Sacagawea some time...Lord knows nobody else wants 'em.

--And finally what was Wipeout thinking letting Jill Wagner get away. What's the point of watching anymore? Building giant contraptions to hit over-enthusiastic, do-gooders in the nuts is kinda like watching the Riddler on Batman try to kill the Dynamic Duo. I have a gun and it's called You Tube for this type of thing where I know there's always a skateboarder trying to slide down a metal railing seconds away.

Yeah, like I was watching to hear John Henson's witty comments...

CFB
--The big coaching news comes out of Kansas, of all places, with the hiring of ex-Golden Domer Charlie Weis as Jayhawks head coach. I guess this is a coup for a school that has never been a football power and has long played Andrew Ridgeley to the basketball teams' George Michael if I may be so bold as to bring down the testosterone levels with a WHAM! reference.
    But frankly I don't see what all ths fuss is about. It would appear Weis is simply playing the Dan Ackroyd role in a CFB version of Trading Places while guys like Kevin Sumlin (Houston to Texas A&M) and Larry Fedora (Southern Miss to North Carolina) get the Eddie Murphy treatment. And for good reason.  A cursory look at the records shows that Weis' supposed prowess as a Head Coach is seemingly made up like Sasquatch or the Palestinians, say. In 5 years at ND Weis turned in a .565 winning pct. which is .18 lower than his two predecessors Bob Davie and Ty Willingham.
   The big problem for Weis would seem to be recruiting. In his firt two years in South Bend, using predominantly Willingham recruited players, Chunky Charlie coaxed a 69-14 ratio out of Brady Quinn and two 1000 yard campaigns out of Darius Walker while producing a 19-6 record and two BCS Bowl appearances. Over the next three years with his own recruits Weis went 16-21 with one postseason trip to the lowly Hawaii Bowl.
    Charlie Weis can coach some offense and his Kansas teams will probably be immediately more competitive for it, but if you can't get kids to come to a school that has it's own exclusive Network TV contract luring 'em to Lawrence won't be as easy as getting Billy Ray Valentine in the back of the Duke Brothers limo...Whiskey!!

--Sometimes it's good to clean up the crap about you. I've learned that taking out the electric shaver attachments and doing a little "man-scaping" always makes things look bigger...um...I mean better down there, but, of course, this can backfire.
    So if you're unhappy with this whole LSU-Alabama rematch in the Championship game put the blame on Colorado (and Nebraska). You see when those teams bolted the Conference Formerly Known As The Big 12 officials were fine with it. Nebraska was seen as ungrateful and well the Buffaloes recent performances had just become embarrassing. The real problem though was not replacing them thereby leaving the conference with 10 teams and ineligible to stage a Championship game.
    Going into the last week of the season (Army-Navy notwithstanding, but do read John Feinstein's A Civil War for a good take on that series) Oklahoma State trailed the finished for the year Crimson Tide by .0839 in the BCS standing. Their win over Oklahoma earned them .0753 points to pull within .0086 points of the #2 spot. Certainly if they had played and beat 10-2 Kansas State in a Conference Championship game they would have earned more than that and we'd be saved from potentially another single-digit duel between the SEC rivals. Plus it's very unflattering to have to wear little pieces of tissue down there when you cut yourself...or in other words less ain't always better.

NFL
--Even before the 2008 Lions yet within the modern era of Pro Football, which I define as the period after the last team named the Steamrollers went under, there was a winless team. It was the 1976 expansion Tampa Bay Buccaneers who not only went 0-14 in their inaugural campaign, but took a twelve loss run at back-to-back winless seasons before winning their last two in 1977. I bring this up because today the Colts will almost certainly fall to 0-13 at Baltimore and QB Dan Orlovsky will move one step closer to the ignominious ground held by Brodie Croyle when he falls to 0-9 as a starter thereby needing one more loss to tie the former Savior of Kansas City.
    So can the Colts match the Lions and Bucs? It would certainly seem they're in the running with games versus playoff contenders Tennessee and Houston at home before finishing at Jacksonville. We believe they'll have a real shot in at least one of thse games and will come out 1-15 so if you're into those kind of exotics it could be worth a flier. What bothers us most though is the lack of humor that HC Jim Caldwell has displayed throughout a situation that has obviously turned from sad to sublime so here's a few quotes from the anti-Bill Belichick of the coaching fraternity Tampa's John McKay circa 1976:

(On his kicker claiming to have a bad training camp because McKay's watching made him nervous) "That's too bad because I plan on attending all the games."

(On his postgame speech following a 41-0 loss) "I told 'em forget about it. There's 3 billion people in China who don't even know this happened. Then this morning I get three calls from Peking saying, 'Coach, what the Hell happened out there?'"

(After their first win in 1977) "Three or four plane crashes and we're in the playoffs!"

RIP Coach...

--In the "Homerpalooza" episode of The Simpsons Homer is confused when intoduced to a band performing with the festival- "Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins"..."Uh...Homer Simpson, smiling politely". But it's left to Bart to sum up my thoughts on much of that eras music when he tells Corgan that becoming rich for playing sad, I-hate-the-world music for teenage kids is like shooting fish in a barrel. Which is similiar to the reason I never purchased Pink Floyd's "The Wall" album. I mean after the nuanced brilliance of "Comfortably Numb, "Money", "Have A Cigar" and the rest the second I heard them scream "Hey Teachers leave those kids alone" it all seemed too easy. Not to mention I developed a theory that the song was just a ripoff of "Dust in the Wind", but that got me beat up once in Auto Shop so let's just leave it there.
    Still the easy way is not always the best way or correct way as Jason Garrett found out last Sunday with a chance to go up 2 games in the NFC East seemingly his teams' for the taking. Now first off, yes, icing your own kicker is akin to betting $1 under the lowest bid in Contestant's Row on The Price Is Right, but that notwithstanding the bigger, and mostly, unreported blunder (the game announcers did not comment on this) was made before Dan Bailey even set foot on the field.
    With 24 seconds left and two timeouts Dez Bryant catches a first down making pass to the Arizona 31, but instead of calling timeout which would give his offense potentially two more plays to improve FG position Garrett takes the easy way out having Romo clock the ball at 8 seconds and sending in Bailey for the inevitable post-time out miss. Considering he's an undrafted 23 year old rookie it might've been wise to let your veteran QB take a couple shots short with a timeout still in hand.
    But if Garrett needed a lesson in this type of timidity he needed to look no further than hot-seated Norv Turner the previous week. In virtually the same scenario vs. Denver the Chargers had the ball 1st and 10 at the Bronco 35 needing just a FG to win. Journeyman Nick Novak had previously missed a 48 yarder so it would seem to behoove Turner's troops to get another 1st down and take some of the risk out of the attempt. Instead Norvell had his offense come out in a tightly bunched run formation at which point Denver brought everyone into the box and shut down the subsequent 3 run plays for zero yds. and the 53 yard attempt by Novak was worth watching not because it had a chance, but to see a man's face (Turner) as the last floater of his head coaching career circled down the toilet.
    But maybe this is why Garrett and Turner are under fire and GB HC Mike McCarthy is living large. When the Pack found thmselves 1st and 10 at the NYG 29 with 44 seconds left in a tie game he didn't run down the clock and hope for a 47 yarder even though his kicker is the All-Pro Mason Crosby. Instead he threw to a RB for -1, but didn't panic and threw again this time getting an 18 yard hookup that basically won the game.
    I'm not expecting coaches to go all Tin Cup everytime they get in these situations. Sometimes it's good to lay up and live for another day. Still if it's my job I'm putting it on the back of Tony Romo and Philip Rivers before Dan Bailey and Nick Novak everytime, but, hey, that's just me.

--Back in the day I was always more of a Bailey Quarters than Jennifer Marlowe man on WKRP IN Cincinnati and I think time and plastic surgery debacles have proven me right. I couldn't find a current picture of Jan Smithers, but I'll go in blind with her at this point.

    Earlier this year we touted Dallas even at 2-3 to win the NFC East and even before that told Fantasy folks to trade whatever it took to get Rob Gronkowski and we think these against the grain predictions have pretty much panned out. So for our Playoff stunner we're going to go with 5-7 Seattle to reach the Big Dance.
    Now this is a longshot, but after looking at the Wildcard field of NYG (or possibly Dallas), Atlanta, Detroit and Chicago there's no reason to think the Seahawks can't get in the mix for 1 of the two spots. First off let's toss the deadweight of the Bears overboard. The Giants and Dallas could cancel each other out into at best a 9-7/8-8 season for one and if that one is the Giants Seattle has the tiebreaker. If we put Atlanta in that leaves Detroit. The Lions sked starts out fine today home vs. banged up Minnesota, but then turns trickier than a discount prostitute with games at Oakland, home to what might be a resurgent San Diego and at Green Bay who might give it their all if a 16-0 season is on the line. Meanwhile Pete Carroll's Crew has St. Louis at home today, at Chicago, home vs. S.F. who may be locked in at that point and resting players and finally at Arizona. In the last 4 weeks their defense, Carroll's specialty, has picked it up allowing only 15 ppg and if it weren't for the surprising loss to Washington or having to start Charlie Whitehurst in an ugly 6-3 loss to Cleveland they'd be sitting at .500 right now.
   We're not riding the Tavaris Jackson bandwagon by any stretch, but I gotta write something here and in a conference (NFC) where everyone outside of Green Bay is redefining mediocrity for a generation that never heard The Little River Band this guess is as good as any.

--Fred's Pick: Yes at 6-3-1 we're "bolding" it. Plus we like today's selection which is San Diego -7 over the fading like Andre Agassi's hairline (I know I broke an unwritten Guy's Rule by mentioning it) Buffalo Bills. As for my pick I'll go with Denver -3 in Mile High.

Recently released former WWE Divas Champion Maryse Ouellet...something tells me she'll land on her feet.

Now off to mix up a Toddy like Dad used to make...where'd I put that bottle of Rye again...

You Can Really Taste The Kale!

    Kevin Meaney's mom used to say never leave the house without a hat on because 95% of your body's heat leaves thru your head...so never point your bare head at anyone, you can severely scald them. It's adivice I forgot to heed and now I have pnuemonia or The Consumption, as my grandmother used to call it, which I believe is the same thing though I'd have to look somewhere between the Bloody Flux and The Grippe in my 1890 Medical Dictionary to be sure. Either way this week's post is cancelled until I'm able to take a breath without it sounding like the L Train is rumbling through my chest. So until next week the high school humor is on hiatus, but hopefully Fred's pick and the Bimbos Du Jour will tide you over until Week 14.

    Today's Fred Pick (5-3-1) is Miami -3 over the Raiders as he'll ride the hot hand of Matt Moore, a line I had to type with a pencil in my mouth since my fingers kept rejecting it like a bad liver. And now for something totally usual...

And yet right now I all I'm interested in is where's the Amoxicillin...hopefully it's nothing that and 14 hours of Football can't cure. See ya next week...if I make it that far...

Life...Sleeping...Wife (NFL Notes-Week 12)

    Sitting here trying to figure out what to write and finishing off the Thanksgiving Leftovers by which I mean shots of Wild Turkey with a Potato Vodka and Cranberry Juice chaser. And come to think of it how do you even squeeze potatoes into Vodka? Apparently the Russians and Poles were the ones smart and/or drunk enough to figure this out which reminds me of the Denis Leary bit in which he is thankful that the Irish didn't know this recipe in the mid-1800s as it would've put an even more devasting take on the Potato Famine..."We're outta food, oh well...and alcohol? Jesus H. Christ! Kill me now!!"

    Next, for those of you who bother to read our College Football posts I should point out that talent clueless ex-Notre Dame coach Bob Davie is the new HC at New Mexico and not Mike Leach as we mentioned. Good luck with that.
    In an earlier post we pointed out that Davie's tenure at ND and as an analyst at ESPN has been marked by an ability to evaluate talent that rivals Matt Millen. Davie, who once touted Ron Powlus as the second coming of Joe Montana, reminds me of my College roommate John who thought every new band that had a hit on the radio was the next Pink Floyd. But sometimes you just gotta take a long hard listen and realize it's time to put the Eurythmics and Wall of Voodoo albums at the back of the shelf and stick with "Dark Side of the Moon".
    Last night's hammering by Stanford was perfect evidence of how far Notre Dame has fallen in terms of recruiting Blue Chip talent under Davie and then "too nice" coaches like Ty Willingham and Charlie Weis. In the past month Stanford played two top talent/recruiting squads in USC and Oregon and had 101 points hung on them by offenses that brought both size and speed to the table. The Irish, on the other hand, scored 14 points with 7 coming on a meaningless score with :35 left.
    Notre Dame still has size, but lacks speed; still reacts smart, but moves slow...or as Green Bay WR Jordy Nelson put it in an interview this week, they "play white". I'm not sure I'm allowed to go any further with that metaphor plus this is supposed to be an NFL post, but let's just say HC Brian Jones needs to add some color (in the generic sense) to what has too long been a vanilla Notre Dame squad.

   And in one last note from yesterday our picks split, but I haven't taken a boning like the one I got on the Michigan-Ohio State game since that night I spent in the Los Angeles County Correctional Facility for peeing on Tony Danza's Star and screaming, "Who's the Boss now, huh?" For those who missed it the would-be covering TD was first overturned by review and placed two inches from the goal line as if the length of the stab wound on S.D. Jones' back (that's what it was, right) was "indisputable evidence", This gave the Wolverines two shots to punch it in, but when their first try succeeded they were called for not only Holding, but a Personal Foul creating 3rd and goal from the 25 and, ultimately, settled for a non-covering FG...This is why people play Fantasy Football.

NFL NOTES
--The Thanksgiving Games: You can only fool people so long, as evidenced by the band we formed in college and named "Free Beer" so that the marquee at the Student Union would read "Tonight Only-Free Beer"...We drew an SRO crowd but, suffice to say, things turned ugly. Similiarly Jim Harbaugh has done a great job drawing attention to the 49ers with their 9-1 start, but uneventful wins over Cleveland, Washington and Arizona over the last month were hardly the stuff that stamped them Super Bowl contenders. Thursday night's ugly 170 total yard, 9 times sacked, 6 point performance at Baltimore shows that this club still has a ways to go. Not that we're telling you anything you probably didn't already guess, but it's just a reminder that playing in the NFC West can mask many a blemish. For the remainder of the year the Niners play 4 games against division opponents with one against Pittsburgh sandwiched in between. If that doesn't strike you as a wagering possibility San Francisco's Treat (which by the way was my nickname in college...what, I liked rice...) could be rolling into the playoffs as a soft #2 seed at 13-3. They are currently 1-2 against teams that would be in the playoffs if the season ended today and have averaged a mere 225 ypg in those contests so betting opportunities would appear to abound...Dallas' win over Miami has them in first place by a half game over the Giants going into today's action. The Cowboys did not exactly impress Turkey Day so they need to make hay over the next two weeks when the Giants will be underdogs against New Orleans (today) and Green Bay while the 'Boys get the potentially 3-8 Cardinals next week. Jerry's Kids then finish with 2 vs. NYG plus Philly and at T.B. while the Giants get Washington and the Jets in addition to the Dallas duo which could make the race for the NFC East and the two Wild Card spots, with Atlanta, Detroit and Chicago in that picture, very interesting...As for the Lions 12 turnovers in the last 3 weeks has tempered their 6-2 start, but let's talk Ndamukong Suh. Suspension? Absolutely, but not so much for going after a GB lineman like a 21st Century Mongolian Stomper, but for his postgame comments trying to convince us he was just attemping to "get his balance". As the old saying goes, "don't piss in my ear and tell me it's raining"...unless, of course, you look like this at which point I believe it becomes a Golden Shower. If you're gonna lie to me at least put a little effort into it. I've had enough already of people telling me "I smoked, but I didn't inhale" or "Guaranteed to add two inches..." it just doesn't work...er...I mean it just isn't true and if we keep on buying it these asses can get away with anything.

--Years ago I was somehow coaxed into taking a Safari vacation to Central Africa with a girlfriend. When people asked how it was she told tale of magnificent vistas, wild animals and exotic cultures while I tended to lean close to the inquisitor and in my best Old Jewish Man Sending Back Soup In A Deli-voice said, "it used to be nice, but it's all Black now..."
    In other words everyone has a different take on things, some silly, some realistic. In sports, however, people don't generally want realistic, they want heroes. As witnessed by a 1990's Nets game I attended in New Jersey where the team held "Michael Jordan Night" in honor of a player on the opposing team complete with Jordan posters and wristbands for kids under 15. When the Bulls trailed by 10 going into the 4th Quarter and Jordan had scored 5 points on 2-16 shooting Fred (of Fred's Picks), who just happened to have Chicago laying a dozen, stood up and screamed, "Jordan Sucks", causing children to cry and parents to cast dirty looks as the reality of that evening, at least, was brought directly up to them.
    And here's where we talk about Tim Tebow. John Elway's comments about not being ready to anoint Tebow the Franchise QB just yet were about as sober and well thought out as you could get from of an ex-athlete turned GM. In his 5 starts TT is 4-1, but 3 of those victories are by 7 points or less and the loss was a complete debacle at home against the never-known-as-road-warriors Lions. The nationally televised win over the Jets was not so much a Coming-Out Party for Timmy whose offense produced a measly 140 yards in 3 and a half quarters as it was a I Wish He'd Go Back In Party for Mark Sanchez haters throughout the Tri-State area.
    And just as the hero-worshippers are loading up the Tebow bandwagon they're just as quickly jumping off Norv Turner's sinking ship in San Diego. The line in that game has already dropped from -7 to -5.5. It's not "Tim Tebow Day" at Qualcomm Stadium in San Diego, but the sound of "Tebow Sucks" just might be heard from the crowd only this time I can assure you it won't be Fred wagering on the Golden Boy this time around.

Not sure who she cheers for, but the team definitely needs to get her a bigger shirt...

--In fact Fred's pick (4-3-1) today is Tennessee -3 over Tampa Bay which means he may have been reading, and concurring, with our Tampa bashing on these pages over the weeks. Despite what the press would like you to think QB Josh Freeman is not hurt or being let down by his O-Line he's simply regressing back to the mean that falls somewhere between his abysmal Rookie year and magical second season. And speaking of regressions if you like to place an exotic wager every now and then try Cleveland to win the coin toss today. They currently stand at 0-10 on the year which means, as the statisticians will tell us, that their chances of winning today are exactly 50-50. Still, I frequently play the Lottery, a Government sponsored tax on people who are bad at Math, so I'm thinking I just might take a flier on that one in Cincinnati.

--On the injury front remember Adrian Peterson is out for Minny, Matt Leinart starts in Houston and Caleb Hanie, who I believe used to play the used Furniture/Tools salesman on Green Acres ("I just happen to have one on the truck"), goes in place of Jay Cutler for the Bears. For those unconcerned about this last change because you remember Hanie filling in so admirably against the Packers in last year's NFC Championship Game just be forewarned that Chicago coaches were so worried that they auditioned Luke McCown  or Josh McCown or Cade McNown or Les Brown and His Band of Renown or some such spare part this week so confidence is not exactly brimming in Lovie Smith's and Mike Martz' worlds.

--As for my pick we're gonna stick to our guns and call for San Diego to end their 5 game losing streak at      -5.5 over Denver with Phillip Rivers finally getting back on track. After being backdoor-ed by Jake "Davy Jones'" Locker last week I'm pretty much throwin' darts at this point. As for the biggest "Public" teams, according to BeyondTheBets.com the money is flowing in on Pittsburgh, Carolina and New England. After getting pounded by the public early these games have been going the Bookies way of late so tread carefully. And finally the weather is nice in the Northeast today and if Michael Vick plays against a soft Pats D and Tom Brady gets to fling it around against Juan Castillo's stop troops could we be looking at a shootout? Food for thought...now some for me...I'm through!

No wonder the Swiss are always neutral...who's gonna fight when you're running this up the flag pole?

Life...You'd Think It Caught Me Sleeping With Its Wife

    Wow, Thanksgiving...a whole day of eating, drinking and football. Hell if it wasn't for all that giving thanks crap it would be perfect. But now, for the last weekly CFB post of the year, I return to my usual miserable, ungrateful self...ah, that just feels right.
    And as for those people who asked if I had a good Thanksgiving I can barely drag my cream cheese white ass off the couch to do things with my friends-people I choose to be with. What makes you think I'd enjoy spending time with my family?
    Then again it's always nice to hear stories about how my Great-Grandfather had his own business as a Cooper-gee, thanks for that legacy...were all the Buggy Whip franchises taken? Or to sit around with enough Gin Blossoms to start a Clown College and be regaled with stories of the old AFL, a league which NFL Films has taught me never saw a no-look, over the shoulder lateral they wouldn't throw and often played their games accompanied by the soundtrack from The Benny Hill Show for some reason. But now let's bring this pile of penurious puns and busty bimbos to a close...

CFB NOTES
--The annual Coaching Carousel has been fired up and several schools have already made their grab for the (br)Ass ring. Former West Virginia coach Rich Rodriguez has landed the Arizona job, ex-Texas Tech player-beater Mike Leach is reported to be locked in for New Mexico and in a move reminiscent of that old Twilight Zone inspired dream of having tomorrow's newspaper Urban Meyer is the new Head Coach of Ohio State as of approximately 3:15 P.M. today.
    Obviously it's business as usual in the Athletic Departments of the FBS, but before Arizona Wildcat fans start doing cartwheels over the hiring of Rodriguez they may want to gird themselves for some tough times. You see Richie R. runs a unique spread option attack that demands speed over strength even along the offensive line. At West Virginia his first season saw the school go from 7-5 under Don Nehlen to 3-8 as Rodriguez tried to make due with personnel that did not fit his scheme. Similiarly at Michigan his first year saw a drop from 9-4 to 3-9 as the dropback passers and road grader lineman of the Lloyd Carr era struggled in the new system. In fact in his 10 years at West Virginia and Michigan R-Rod had 7 winning seasons and in each his teams ran the ball more than 70% of the time as opposed to under 60% in his 3 losing years.
    Rodriguez did not find his mojo at either school until he was able to upgrade the overall team speed and find mobile, option QBs like Rasheed Marshall, Pat White and Denard Robinson to run his O. At Arizona it may be more of the same as passing QB Nick Foles has reigned under center for 3 years. Backup Matt Scott, who'll be a senior next year, is more of a runner, but has woefully little experience.
    So temper those expectations in the desert for now and remember in addition to the slow starts at WVU and UM Rodriguez also turned in a 1-7-1 in his inaugural season at NAIA Glenville State and a 2-8 at tiny Salem College after which they dropped the football program. Hopefully things won't get that desperate in Tucson.

--New reports have come out recently indicating that due to tough economic times Sperm Banks are reducing or eliminating altogether payment for samples which means those towels and old socks that are "standing up" in the back of my closet no longer constitute a valid retirement plan.
    Of course this isn't the first time I've been wrong on a grand scale. From the Crystal Pepsi/clear cola "revolution" to The Knack being bigger than The Beatles to Kevin Costner as a Triple Threat (act-ee, no writ-ee, no direct-ee, just act-ee) I've swung and missed worse than Anthony Perkins in Fear Strikes Out on a number of occasions. So if you had Tulsa plus the FG yesterday my apologies.
    Houston yesterday proved that a hot QB can overcome all and could very well end up in a BCS bowl. Their chance at crashing the National Championship party, however is about as good as those Acid Wash jeans in my dresser making a comeback. Even if they beat unranked Southern Miss in the CUSA Conference Title game their strength of schedule will kill them in the computer-generated component of the BCS rankings. Which means we very likely could be seeing...

Oklahoma State girl who begs the question what's going on at College campuses and when's it gonna trickle down to the High School level?

--An Alabama-LSU rematch for the National Title. The Bayou Bengals win yesterday means all they need to do is beat a thoroughly underwhelming Georgia in the SEC Title tilt to punch they're ticket. If Bama in turn beats #25 Auburn today they will solidify their hold on #2 perhaps enough to stand off any challenges from the three one loss teams-Oklahoma State, Stanford and Virginia Tech.
    For those trying to keep score Okie State is hurt by Oklahoma's loss to Baylor and the defection of Colorado and Nebraska from the conference leaving the formerly Big 12 without enough teams to hold a conference championship game this year. Stanford still must negotiate Notre Dame, but then will not get another game in the Pac-12 Title tilt if Oregon beats Oregon State in The Civil War. Though whether or not an upset takes place neither the Ducks nor the Cardinal (note: I'm not missing an "s" they're named after a color so as not to offend PETA, I assume) will benefit from playing potentially 6-6 UCLA who somehow won the South Division (thanks Pete Carroll for that USC probation). And finally Virginia Tech might have the best chance to leapfrog everyone if they can beat a defensively tough Virginia and then Clemson in the ACC title game. Of course a Clemson loss to South Carolina today would diminish that potential win and now before I start sounding like Professor Irwin Corey let's move on...

Maybe having UCLA around for an extra game won't be terrible...and as for those uniforms, I agree, underwear's for sissies...

    Bottom line is Alabama's not winning their division is no impediment to their making the BCS Title Game and in the case of Nebraska in 2001 it was actually a benefit. Just like David Bowie's being married to a man it is unsurprising to find out that Nebraska that year owed its 11-0 start to an easy slate that featured only three games away from Lincoln and those vs. the 3 worst teams in the Big 12...what's that David Bowie's married to Imam, a fashion model...well that's kinda surprising. But back to the Cornhuskers they rolled into #14 Colorado on Thanksgiving weekend, got exposed 62-36 by the Buffaloes and missed out on the Conference Championship game which turned out to be a blessing for instead of taking another beating from a one loss Texas squad they sat home and watched as Colorado beat the Longhorns and Tennessee beat the other major one loss school Florida putting them in the BCS title game against undefeated Miami (FL).
    The case of the Crimson Tide is not that egregious. Alabama has handled everyone on their sked including Arkansas and Penn State with ease and only lost to LSU in OT. Still many felt that battle of FGs had all the excitement of an Amish Barn Raising and would rather see a more wide open attack like Oklahoma State or Oregon get a crack at the Baton Rougers. Unfortunately our money's on a Tide-Tiger rematch, but don't lose hope for as the recent Ohio Amish-sect beard cutting episode has proven sometimes these guys can party like it's 1899!

--The final picks...mercifully. If you've been going against these selections, God bless. If you've been playing on them...oh, who am I kidding that ship sailed long ago. Still I like today's duo more than usual so use your judgement. First when Jim Tressel arrived in Columbus he made his #1 priority beating Michigan which he did every year going back to 2003. Consequently first year Michigan coach Brady Hoke was forced to make a similiar proclamation of rivalry focus upon his hiring and now's time to fulfill his promise. In Hoke's favor is the ignominious departures of Tressel and star QB Terrell Pryor that has left the Buckeyes a shadow of those teams that dominated the Wolverines for nearly a decade. As every new woman who's slept with me could tell OSU fans frustration makes for an ugly bedfellow. so with that in mind Michigan appears ready to blow a load that'd make Dr. Arnold Kegel (yes, there's a real guy) proud so we'll take the Wolverines -7.5 and if you can get that "buy the hook" down to -7 just to be safe. And in our other play let's take a shot with Minnesota +11 vs. Illinois for the Old Oaken Bucket or Synthetic Dildo or whatever they play for in this series. Pete Fiutak of College Football News has called it his Lock of the Year and that's a whole lot better than anything we've come up with recently.
    That's all, but check back for further CFB commentary, selections and campus hotties as the weeks roll on. The best way to keep up is by becoming a Follower here or doing the same @sprtcom102 on Twitter or at the "Bowling Til' It Hurts" page on FaceBook. This one's for you mugs...

Hygiene, people, if you take nothing away from here, but that....

Medically Correct...Morally Bankrupt-NFL Notes Week 11

--Friday was "Pajama Day" at school an event replete with so many kids wandering around in bathrobes and slippers that I felt like not so much a teacher as an orderly at a mental institution...I mean more so than usual. My request, however, to get on the PA and in a sing-song voice announce, "Medication Time", like R.P. McMurphy in One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest was rejected not so much for being inappropriate as for the confusion it would cause since we already have 3 unannounced Medication Times every day. But yes people should work harder/longer to get ahead...the "Twelve Hours A Day Of Daycare" Generation is what's gonna make this country great again...sorry, I'm done now.

--Now I know Penny's supposed to be the looker on Big Bang Theory, but has Bernadette filled out rather nicely this season...and while we're at it did Brandi from Storage Wars get a boob job...and who else watches all the way through the intro to Modern Family just so they could see the oldest daughter in that short skirt and calf-high boots...and what's with the fiancee girl on Terms of Engagement? Is she hot? Is she fat? It's hard to te...Dear God, maybe these educational experts are right. We do need a Voucher System...

NFL NOTES
--Sometimes you can be too smart. For example Ritz Crackers boxes of the 1970's used to feature on the back a recipe for something called "Mock Apple Pie". This was a traditional-style pie made with all the usual ingredients except apples. Instead one substituted Ritz Crackers...naturally.
    Now going from using sweet, juicy apples to salty, crunchy crackers and putting together a tasty replica of the real thing is certainly a stunning feat of neurological gymnastics, but instead of being impressed I was generally left thinking what if this person had put his mind to something important, like say, finding a cure for cancer or coming up with a sign you could use to alert people their turn signal's been on for 17 miles (the middle finger doesn't have the effect I'd hoped it would) instead.
    Last week  Atlanta HC Mike Smith decided to go for it on 4th and 1 from his own 30 in OT and though the failure sealed a loss for the Falcons Football Sabermetricians, who have long been touting research that says teams should go for it on 4th and short far more often than they do, came out of the woodwork to defend him. And while I'm all for innovation and inventiveness I think this may be an overreach. Going back to the early 2000's sabermetric founder Bill James proposed a fluid, non-defined bullpen system that the Red Sox adopted and abandoned after half a season. The problem was not so much ineffectiveness as it was complaints from players who preferred having a defined role.
    In football the offense's role is to get first downs. When they fail the special team's role is to flip the field position and the defense's job is to stop the opponent. Last Sunday Smith made his offense everything and played down the roles of his special teams and defense. Over a 162 game season you might be able to weather these storms and wait for regression to prove you right. Over 16 games even a short string of failures of this nature can destroy confidence and lead to dissension. It's only one game and Smith has built up plenty of points in the lockerroom since replacing Bobby Petrino so he should be able to survive this gaffe. But sometimes we need less Mock Apple Pies in the world and more easier opening ways to package, goddamned, cream cheese...

Maybe I was too hard on Mock Apple Pie...I mean sometimes fake is just better.

--I'm gonna Occupy My Couch before I ever consider Occupy(ing) Wall Street, but let's face facts a lot of rich people are just Dicks. For example the sweater tied around the neck old guy who dropped his keys at the supermarket and when I went to hand them back said, "thanks, I'll need those for my BMW." At which point I held them up by the tiny Super Saver card and said, "yeah and you'll need this to save 3 cents on peas...Asswipe." OK, maybe not that last part, but hey when did they remove the "c" with a line through it cents symbol anyway.
    Oh yeah the point...this kind of attitude it what makes it easy to see the Washington Redskins perpetually fail. Daniel Snyder looks like a little Napoleonic-complexed ass and the way he has jerked around this fantastic fan base while throwing money around to provide false hope pretty much bears it out.
    So here's a tip...get a friggin' QB. Since he took over in 1999 the roster of signal callers here has barely shown any planning or foresight toward what is obviously the most critical position on the field. The lineup of starters includes the Over-The-Hill gang (well into their 30's at the time) of Brad Johnson, Jeff George, Mark Brunell and Donovan McNabb; the low or undrafted trio of Danny Wuerffel, Shane Matthews and Tim Hasselbeck; and the over-drafted tandem of Patrick Ramsey and Jason Campbell plus this year's train wreck that is Rex Grossman and John Beck.
    So for an owner who once had his vendors sell beer in the bathrooms and bags of peanuts he got at an auction for the bankrupt Imperial Airlines quit cutting corners where it's important only to piss money away on the Albert Haynesworth's of the world. After all a bunch of fat guys in flower print dresses and pig noses deserve better.

This is our 4th Redskin Cheerleader of the year...which says at least Daniel Snyder hasn't skimped on the silicone.

--If you need a stat to define why the Eagles are not the Dream Team they were billed as here it is: Last week the Arizona Cardinals threw 40 passes. On 16 of those Nnandi Asomugha matched up in single coverage with Larry Fitzgerald resulting in two targets for no completions. On the other 24 attempts Fitzgerald caught 7 passes for 146 yards and two TDs.
    Years of watching Steve Smith put up monster numbers all by himself in Carolina has confirmed, as has Phil Simms in his book Sunday Morning Quarterback, that there is no such thing as Double Coverage, as we know it from the school yard, in the NFL. Still the least you could do is have your high-priced shutdown corner shadowing your opponents biggest threat instead of standing out in space waiting for lead-footed Tight Ends like Jeff King to run through his area.
    Certainly the Iggles have regressed some on offense this year particularly in the passing game, but that was to be expected to a degree after a Top 3 performance in 2010. The signing of Asomugha, however, should have freed up the safeties and LBs to play a more agressive game that could have offset the down tick on O. Instead Philly is 12 takeaways off last year's pace and ranks 29th in the league in TD passes allowed. That's a lot of cheese steaks spent on a player for that kind of return, but hey Andy Reid and Defensive Coordinator Juan Castillo's bond is one that'll last a lifetime...and you can't put a price on friendship.

--Fred's Pick (3-3-1) today is Chicago -4 over San Diego. We concur, but wish we didn't have to as the mess in Charger-land has made the idea of the Broncos stealing the AFC West a distinct possibility and that means Tebow Time, All The Time for sports media everywhere. K.C. looks done what with having to start a QB who actually couldn't beat out Matt Cassell for the rest of the year and Oakland seems to be, as my Grandmother used to say, like Shit...they're all over the place. Today they go to Minny for a big one since up coming matchups with potential playoff squads Green Bay, Chicago and Detroit could be dicey. Carson Palmer's improvement last week and continuing familiarity with the offense does bode well for the Raiders. However, if they should falter and Phillip Rivers can't find his old self soon the press might have us believing the name on the back of those controversial Tebow jerseys shouldn't be "Jesus", but "God".

--As for us we're gonna try the Falcons to bounce back from last week's emotional loss (Hell it worked for freakin' Penn State yesterday) laying 6.5 to Tennessee in the confines of the Georgia Dome. We've already gone on about Matt Ryan's success at home vs. on the road and last week mentioned Tennessee seems a suspect 5-4 with a vunerability on the road and recent results results give us value at under a TD and even down to -6 in some places. I'm still sick so that's all while I'm off to self-medicate 12 fluid ounces at a time.

Finally, let's class this thing up a bit...Enjoy the games!

My Medically Correct Weight If I Was 8' 6"

    Back in the heady days when I was a student my High School had a Smoking Lounge/Bathroom...for the students! Within which resided a revolving door of potheads and misfits puffing their brains out in front of a wall graffiitt-ed with "Peace, Pot, Microdot" and the 3-foot tall school Disciplinarian mocking phrase "WADDON SUCKS" amidst a room so heavy with Marlboro smoke you could get Emphyzema taking a piss while a seemingly continous loop of Neil Young's "Sugar Mountain" droned on in the background.
    And NO ONE cared!
    Today if you bring so much as an airplane bag of peanuts into your room at least three kids' heads will swell up like wedding dicks and a Hazmat Unit in Chernobyl suits will be called in to secure the area while the rest of the class is ushered to the nurse's office for a Silkwood Shower that could make the Freedom Marchers of Selma, Alabama look like kids playing in a sprinkler.
    OK, maybe I'm a little over-annoyed for just having to sit through a 45 minute video on "The Peanut and Peanut Borne Illness", but it may be time for less "No Child Less Behind" and more Eugenics because, mark my words, they could put up all the metal detectors they want to keep guns outta school only to see the next Columbine be a kid with a dozen PayDay bars holding an entire cafeteria hostage. George Washington Carver never saw this coming.

Well, I guess that's better than on your chin...right?

CFB NOTES
--We warned you about Kansas State, touted Oregon over Stanford last week and though we were a week early on Okie State the payoff came last night so this week's overrated team du jour is...Houston. With Boise State vanquished by last week's loss to TCU and QB Case Keenum putting up record smashing numbers the Cougars have become everyone's BCS Busting Baby as the only undefeated team in the land outside of LSU.
    Still the Cougars are currently ranked 11th in the BCS Poll and with good reason. According to the two best Strength of Schedule rating systems we could find UH's sked is ranked 117th by the Fremeau Efficiency Rating and a dead last 120 out of 120 at College Football Reference. A lineup of opponents so soft it could make Gerry Cooney consider a comeback.
    First off there are only 3 other teams in Conference USA with above .500 records and Houston has played exactly none of them. Their toughest opponent to date is either UCLA or Louisiana Tech. After beating those two by 4 and 1 point respectively early in the year the Cougars were no big deal, but then Keenum and the offense went off like Michael Richards at an NAACP benefit scoring 56/63/73/56/73 in a five game stretch while undefeateds Oklahoma, Stanford, Alabama, Clemson, Boise and now Oklahoma State were falling.
    What's been ignored is that those blowouts were against a quintuplet of teams that are a combined 17-36 and only one game, vs. UAB, was outdoors on the road which is always the true barometer for a Dome team. Additionally in that UAB game the Blazers were within a TD as late as mid third quarter and UH only topped 50 points by virtue of a 54 yard INT return in the 4th quarter.
    With two more wins and a coupla stumbles in front of them the BCS dream is still in reach. The problem is that they close with two of those plus .500 CUSA squads. Today they're -20.5 at home to SMU, a club that owns a win at TCU, but has struggled lately losing three of four including their last to Navy. If that's not to your liking root for the UH blowout because they'll be at one of our pointspread faves, Tulsa, on Black Friday, and the Golden Hurricane could end up a bigger bargain than all the DoorBusters Walmart and Target has to offer. Monitor the situation.

--The comedian Louis C.K. explains his often pained expression as deriving from the fact that his lifelong poor dietary habits have left him pepetually within a 48 hour window of diarrhea. We believe a former Heisman Trophy winner and coaching giant like Steve Spurrier has eaten better in his lifetime, but to watch his face on the sidelines weekly it appears something's percolating in his loins.
    Now we're no Doctors, but it would appear the root of this problem lies in South Carolina's QB play. At Florida Visor Steve was able to turn the mediocre likes of Shane Matthews, Danny Wuerffel, Jesse Palmer and Rex Grossman into Heisman Trophy candidates, but at USC it's been no such Luck (for future reference the bad pun is always intended). The main trio of Gamecock QBs under Spurrier, Blake Mitchell/Chris Smelley/StephenGarcia, is hardly gonna make anyone forget "Slingin'" Sammy Baugh or even ex-LPGA hottie Laura Baugh for that matter.
Once drank herself into a state of "spontaneous bleeding" according to her Autobiography and looks like this? ...Where has she been all my life?

But what's even more disturbing is that under this once great QB Guru each of these helmsman has actually gotten worse with their TD/INT ratios consistently going in the wrong direction: Mitchell 17/12, 10/6, 10/9; Smelley 9/7, 14/15; Garcia 17/10, 24/14, 4/9. Additionally, the fact that S.C. has produced some of it's all-time best defenses during Spurrier's 7 year run yet never had a season with less than 5 losses seems a bigger waste than Markie Post's boobs on Night Court.
    What this all means were not really sure. But these are not your Father's Steve Spurrier squads and it appears they never will be which is too bad for an insanely rabid fan base that's still looking for that one National Championship run.

--In a quick note if you're thinking of changing your Fantasy Football team name midseason I've already alerted ESPN and CBS Sportsline that I've trademarked the monicker "Showering With Sandusky". But for readers here leave a comment below and I'll Grandfather you in (again bad pun...intended).

--And speaking of the Penn State affair did anyone else get the creepy feeling while Sandusky was being interviewed by the tiny, boyish Bob Costas that at any moment Chris Hansen from Dateline was gonna pop out from around the corner?

--Alabama plays FCS team Georgia Southern today so is, unfortunately, off TV. Not that we're Crimson fans, but since the LSU game we've become addicted to superfluous shots of those UA Baton Girls who  seem to use enough peroxide to burn a new Fontanelle in their skulls. So for all you latent perverts...and we assume that's everyone who managed to get this far...here's a quicky to Tide you over...

Taking in the entirety of this picture it's easy to see who belongs to Pi Delta Pi and who belongs to the Omega Moos...those are real sororities right?

--We pushed last week with Nebraska who squandered a 17-0 lead, but held on 17-14. That's annoying, but not as bad as those big faves that win outright, but don't cover. Hey, if I'm miserable they should be too has always been my thinking. We've been confused and scattershot with out College picks this year, but we have noticed that sometimes we're a week too soon with our analysis. We lost with Tulsa then saw them reel off 5 straight covers, were a game too early with our Oklahoma State defense collapse and so on. So in a confusing card and through a fog of student induced phlegm we're gonna say Penn State is emotionally drained after trying to win one for JoePa last week (they planned to walk the game ball to his house afterwards) and we'll back an improved Ohio State (loss to Purdue last week notwithstanding) at -6.5. We're still a little wired on Natty Ice and Nyquil so you might want to venture your money conservatively, but either way enjoy the games!!

The ubiquitous Hottie 'O The Day...There's so many of these women on the Internet I'm literally thinking of hiring the Squegee Guy from the exit ramp near Yankee Stadium to stand next to my computer screen.

More Thieves And Liars...NFL Notes Week 10

GENERAL NOTES

--So is it just me or can you picture Herman Cain barging into the National Restaurant Association Convention like Sheriff Bart in Blazing Saddles  screaming, "Where the white women at?" And while we're at it is Cain's ubiquitous 9-9-9 harangue turning into the political version of Moses Malone's "fo', fo', fo'" interview (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BRPIJ1FFN_U)? I'm no politico, but the fact that he and Perry have almost single-handedly launched the staff-less Newt Gingrich back into the mix makes this whole thing look like the NFC West with Romney as the 49ers and the rest as the Seahawks, Rams and Cardinals.

--In Celebrity News Kim Kardashian's ex-publicist, Jonathan Jaxson, said her 72 day marriage never had a chance because she's still holding a torch for former boyfriend and Miami Dolphin RB Reggie Bush. Which reminds us of the scandalous Donna Rice, who also secretly pined for a Bush even as her 1987 affair with married Presidential candidate Gary Hart brought down his rising campaign. When questioned Rice admitted that, though she truly loved Hart, all along she planned on voting for George H.W. Bush in the election. When asked by the press how she reconciled that conundrum she proclaimed, "What can I say, in my heart I like Bush, but in my bush I like Hart." Well put indeed.

If you're gonna throw away your political career at least this beats Holy Hell outta Monica Lewinsky.

--And finally when you're half passed out drunk on the couch at two A.M. did you ever just wish one of the Bimbo Du Jour's on the dating show Excused! would tell sideways talking host Iliza Schlesinger, "Eddie Money called and he wants his mouth back..." No...it's just me...well, moving on...

NFL NOTES
--The worst dating advice I ever got is also the dating advice I received more often than any other and that is, "Be yourself"...Yeah, like that's gonna work!? I mean if "being myself" had any merit I wouldn't be meeting "Ruebenesque in Ridgefield" over a Blooming Onion at the bar of the Paramus Mall Outback Steakhouse in the first place now would I.
    And like in dating in football coaching sometimes you have to become something you're really not to succeed. Denver headman John Fox, for example, is not an offensive innovator. His gameplans in Carolina often made Woody Hayes look like Mouse Davis what with the running D'Angelo Williams into the middle of the line on first down over and over, then replacing him with Jonathan Stewart so he couldn't get any momentum and dammit where were the screens and...oh sorry...I still have some pent up Fantasy Football angst from 2 years ago to work out, but to the point...In Tim Tebow Fox has a QB who requires that he either change or lose. Trying to turn Timmy T. into a 2nd long/3rd long pocket passer is like turning "Layla" into a lazy, lilting, blues number and we all can admit now that just sucked.
    Last week Tebow ran more often and for more yards than in his previous two starts and after a slow 1st Half the Mile High-ers ended up routing Oakland in the 3rd/4th Quarters. The game played out much like the previous two with the Broncos trailing early, but this time Tebow used his best asset, his legs, to turn things around. In fact on every Denver scoring drive Tebow had one or more runs of double digits compared to none on the drives that ended in punts. And it's not necessarily the designed runs that are most effective, but rather the scrambles. If you're gonna have TT stand in the pocket going through progressions all day you might as well issue him a jersey with a Cross Hairs on it instead of a number like he was a Democratic Congressman on a Sarah Palin website map. Give him a primary target (and he doesn't have to lock in, he can look off and come back to that receiver) and tell him to take off or go to a TE/RB safety valve if that's not open.
    Alright, we're all sick of Tebow Talk at this point. But lack of imagination annoys me. Maybe you can't win with a QB like this. Maybe he will get injured too quickly. Maybe teams will adjust (of course you could then re-adjust). Maybe it just flat out is unfeasible due to the size and speed in the NFL. But exhaust your options before you give up the ghost. Hopefully Denver took a step in the right direction last week...and as for me, Ladies, I don't know if you've heard of Doctors Without Borders, but I'm....

--My Irish grandfather used to tell the story of growing up in County Cork where he and his friends would go out at night, get rip-roarin' drunk, piss all over the Blarney Stone and then come back the next day and laugh uproariously as the Tourists kissed it for luck. In other words we can't always see what's going on behind the scenes; except at that window they have in front of the grill at White Castle and frankly that's the one place I'd rather not know what's going on. Waiters could be spitting in your food, rats crawling across your soda cans, High School aged Baskin-Robbins employess blowing snot into the Prailines & Cream (or so I've heard) and worst of all coaches designing game plans that thoroughly undermine your well thought out wagers.
    A few weeks ago we wound up with a push when the Giants, after getting burned by two long TDs early, backed off defensively against the Bills and allowed Ryan Fitzgerald to almost dink and dunk his way to a road upset. With this in mind we shied away from the Jets last week, but Rex Ryan proved why he really is one of the best defensive minds in the game today by having his defense attack the line of scrimmage, jump the slant routes and lock up Stevie Johnson with their best CB, Darrell Revis. The result was the lowest offensive output for Buffalo this season and it may have been a glimpse into what we may get tonight in an excellent Sunday Night matchup.
    We talked last week about the Moss-less Pats having no deep threat so we expect to see more of the same attack mode out of the J-Men tonight. Brady's arm strength and quick release give N.E. a better chance than the Bills, but as was witnessed in the 1st half last week the days of Belichick/Brady's Flying Circus may be over vs. the league's better D's. The numbers tonight are PK/47.5. Fred and our picks will be below, but with Sanchez vs. Belichick's defensive scheming and Brady under attack by the Jets D this looks like a potential FG battle that leans towards the New Yorkers.

Apparently this cheer is in honor of the Bills wearing their throwback "Buffalo Standing There Taking A Dump" helmets last week.

--And speaking of the Patriots lack of a deep threat...what about T.O.? Wait, wait here me out on this. Now yes, I'm aware, T.O.'s public workout session drew less interest than a Yoko Ono Poetry Slam...and sure putting Owens and Belichick together is like bringing Gabourey Sidibe to Howard Stern's All-U-Can-Eat Buffett, but deseperate times call for deseprate measures. And that's exactly why we think this thing may actually have legs. A loss tonight would have the Pats-ies at 5-4 and on the outside of the playoff picture. That and a 3 game losing streak to the type of teams (Pit., NYG, NYJ) that he knows they need to beat to win it all could leave Bitter Billy open to some compromise.
    Now sure no one wants to take on T.O.'s attitude and histrionics, but that's what was said about Randy Moss upon leaving Oakland. Owens, of course, is older, but a half season deal that would put him in the most structured environment in the NFL with the idea that this could be his last shot hanging over his head could make for an uneasy, but fruitful short term marriage...aaand we're back to Kim Kardashian again.
    Jokes aside, though, depending on the outcome tonight it could make sense, but there are a lot of egos to navigate if it were to get done. Still it's a Hell of a lot better than sittin' around sadly every weekend watching Ocho Cinco try.

And one for the Patriots throwback helmets...

--Though Peyton Hillis isn't playing this week there's good news in that a planned Intervention was called off. I'm not sure if the Intervention was planned by management, his teammates or Fantasy owners everywhere, nor do I know what it entailed but if your invited I can tell you from experience it's best not to bring a six-pack and an 8-Ball. My favorite story in this vein is when Fred of "Fred's Picks" was coaxed into attending a Gambler's Anonymous meeting to which he brought a deck of cards surmising correctly, "when am I ever gonna be in a room with a bigger bunch of losers than this...there's money to be made!"...He busted.

--That said Fred has had his successes and failures in the wagering world and the experience has left him the wiser. Like us he suffers from one fatal sports betting flaw. For us it's silencing the voices of others and going with our own analysis. For Fred it's action. He likes it and therefore money management suffers as he backs teams that he may not have a strong feeling for. Here you get the best of all possible worlds as we're limiting Fred (3-2-1 on the year) to his best pick weekly and as his record shows early on it's usually fairly strong. Today's his play is Carolina -3 over Tennessee. The Titans 4-4 start has been helped by an easy sked and 5 home games. Their only road win is at Cleveland where they were outgained and out-first downed 25-13, but benefitted from an 80 yd. TD reception by TE Jared Cook and a 97 yd. INT return. The only cavaet is that beating Tennessee seems dependent on stopping their run game. Cleveland ranks 31st in rush D and got pummelled, unfortunately Carolina ranks 28th though they have played a tougher sked. Check Cam Newton's shoulder situation and then wager as you see fit.

--Wagering Wisdom: Top public team today according to BeyondTheBets.com is Baltimore -7 at Seattle. Tavaris Jackson will play. We mention this as positive only because that's how bad Charlie Whitehurst truly is. Recall Baltimore lost to Ten. on the road after beating Pit. in Week 1. Same scenario here and toss in their road blowup at Jax. as well and if you're a contrarian you might see this as a low scoring affair that favors Seattle...In another odd positive note Rex Grossman may get the start in Miami. He stinks, but gives them a chance against a low level team. John Beck gives them a chance against no one...And despite the MNF loss the public is back on Philly pushing the line from -12 to -14 in many places though I think it would take globe-like cajones to back Fordham's own John "Don't Call Me Red" Skelton who starts in place of Kevin Kolb today...We'll stick with our guns and go Jets-Patriots Under 47.5 and allow ourselves to watch the early games in peace. Here's to many a FG tonight. Good luck, good day, get drunk!

It says this girl's name is Marzia Banghard...yeah sure...pleased to meet you I'm Studley Hungwell...

Old school wrestling at "Seminal Sluts and "Crimson Mask" titles. Erin Andrews and women of ESPN at "Something In The Way She Says Gamecocks" or just look around, if nothing else there's well-endowed models everywhere.