Life...Sleeping...Wife (NFL Notes-Week 12)

    Sitting here trying to figure out what to write and finishing off the Thanksgiving Leftovers by which I mean shots of Wild Turkey with a Potato Vodka and Cranberry Juice chaser. And come to think of it how do you even squeeze potatoes into Vodka? Apparently the Russians and Poles were the ones smart and/or drunk enough to figure this out which reminds me of the Denis Leary bit in which he is thankful that the Irish didn't know this recipe in the mid-1800s as it would've put an even more devasting take on the Potato Famine..."We're outta food, oh well...and alcohol? Jesus H. Christ! Kill me now!!"

    Next, for those of you who bother to read our College Football posts I should point out that talent clueless ex-Notre Dame coach Bob Davie is the new HC at New Mexico and not Mike Leach as we mentioned. Good luck with that.
    In an earlier post we pointed out that Davie's tenure at ND and as an analyst at ESPN has been marked by an ability to evaluate talent that rivals Matt Millen. Davie, who once touted Ron Powlus as the second coming of Joe Montana, reminds me of my College roommate John who thought every new band that had a hit on the radio was the next Pink Floyd. But sometimes you just gotta take a long hard listen and realize it's time to put the Eurythmics and Wall of Voodoo albums at the back of the shelf and stick with "Dark Side of the Moon".
    Last night's hammering by Stanford was perfect evidence of how far Notre Dame has fallen in terms of recruiting Blue Chip talent under Davie and then "too nice" coaches like Ty Willingham and Charlie Weis. In the past month Stanford played two top talent/recruiting squads in USC and Oregon and had 101 points hung on them by offenses that brought both size and speed to the table. The Irish, on the other hand, scored 14 points with 7 coming on a meaningless score with :35 left.
    Notre Dame still has size, but lacks speed; still reacts smart, but moves slow...or as Green Bay WR Jordy Nelson put it in an interview this week, they "play white". I'm not sure I'm allowed to go any further with that metaphor plus this is supposed to be an NFL post, but let's just say HC Brian Jones needs to add some color (in the generic sense) to what has too long been a vanilla Notre Dame squad.

   And in one last note from yesterday our picks split, but I haven't taken a boning like the one I got on the Michigan-Ohio State game since that night I spent in the Los Angeles County Correctional Facility for peeing on Tony Danza's Star and screaming, "Who's the Boss now, huh?" For those who missed it the would-be covering TD was first overturned by review and placed two inches from the goal line as if the length of the stab wound on S.D. Jones' back (that's what it was, right) was "indisputable evidence", This gave the Wolverines two shots to punch it in, but when their first try succeeded they were called for not only Holding, but a Personal Foul creating 3rd and goal from the 25 and, ultimately, settled for a non-covering FG...This is why people play Fantasy Football.

NFL NOTES
--The Thanksgiving Games: You can only fool people so long, as evidenced by the band we formed in college and named "Free Beer" so that the marquee at the Student Union would read "Tonight Only-Free Beer"...We drew an SRO crowd but, suffice to say, things turned ugly. Similiarly Jim Harbaugh has done a great job drawing attention to the 49ers with their 9-1 start, but uneventful wins over Cleveland, Washington and Arizona over the last month were hardly the stuff that stamped them Super Bowl contenders. Thursday night's ugly 170 total yard, 9 times sacked, 6 point performance at Baltimore shows that this club still has a ways to go. Not that we're telling you anything you probably didn't already guess, but it's just a reminder that playing in the NFC West can mask many a blemish. For the remainder of the year the Niners play 4 games against division opponents with one against Pittsburgh sandwiched in between. If that doesn't strike you as a wagering possibility San Francisco's Treat (which by the way was my nickname in college...what, I liked rice...) could be rolling into the playoffs as a soft #2 seed at 13-3. They are currently 1-2 against teams that would be in the playoffs if the season ended today and have averaged a mere 225 ypg in those contests so betting opportunities would appear to abound...Dallas' win over Miami has them in first place by a half game over the Giants going into today's action. The Cowboys did not exactly impress Turkey Day so they need to make hay over the next two weeks when the Giants will be underdogs against New Orleans (today) and Green Bay while the 'Boys get the potentially 3-8 Cardinals next week. Jerry's Kids then finish with 2 vs. NYG plus Philly and at T.B. while the Giants get Washington and the Jets in addition to the Dallas duo which could make the race for the NFC East and the two Wild Card spots, with Atlanta, Detroit and Chicago in that picture, very interesting...As for the Lions 12 turnovers in the last 3 weeks has tempered their 6-2 start, but let's talk Ndamukong Suh. Suspension? Absolutely, but not so much for going after a GB lineman like a 21st Century Mongolian Stomper, but for his postgame comments trying to convince us he was just attemping to "get his balance". As the old saying goes, "don't piss in my ear and tell me it's raining"...unless, of course, you look like this at which point I believe it becomes a Golden Shower. If you're gonna lie to me at least put a little effort into it. I've had enough already of people telling me "I smoked, but I didn't inhale" or "Guaranteed to add two inches..." it just doesn't work...er...I mean it just isn't true and if we keep on buying it these asses can get away with anything.

--Years ago I was somehow coaxed into taking a Safari vacation to Central Africa with a girlfriend. When people asked how it was she told tale of magnificent vistas, wild animals and exotic cultures while I tended to lean close to the inquisitor and in my best Old Jewish Man Sending Back Soup In A Deli-voice said, "it used to be nice, but it's all Black now..."
    In other words everyone has a different take on things, some silly, some realistic. In sports, however, people don't generally want realistic, they want heroes. As witnessed by a 1990's Nets game I attended in New Jersey where the team held "Michael Jordan Night" in honor of a player on the opposing team complete with Jordan posters and wristbands for kids under 15. When the Bulls trailed by 10 going into the 4th Quarter and Jordan had scored 5 points on 2-16 shooting Fred (of Fred's Picks), who just happened to have Chicago laying a dozen, stood up and screamed, "Jordan Sucks", causing children to cry and parents to cast dirty looks as the reality of that evening, at least, was brought directly up to them.
    And here's where we talk about Tim Tebow. John Elway's comments about not being ready to anoint Tebow the Franchise QB just yet were about as sober and well thought out as you could get from of an ex-athlete turned GM. In his 5 starts TT is 4-1, but 3 of those victories are by 7 points or less and the loss was a complete debacle at home against the never-known-as-road-warriors Lions. The nationally televised win over the Jets was not so much a Coming-Out Party for Timmy whose offense produced a measly 140 yards in 3 and a half quarters as it was a I Wish He'd Go Back In Party for Mark Sanchez haters throughout the Tri-State area.
    And just as the hero-worshippers are loading up the Tebow bandwagon they're just as quickly jumping off Norv Turner's sinking ship in San Diego. The line in that game has already dropped from -7 to -5.5. It's not "Tim Tebow Day" at Qualcomm Stadium in San Diego, but the sound of "Tebow Sucks" just might be heard from the crowd only this time I can assure you it won't be Fred wagering on the Golden Boy this time around.

Not sure who she cheers for, but the team definitely needs to get her a bigger shirt...

--In fact Fred's pick (4-3-1) today is Tennessee -3 over Tampa Bay which means he may have been reading, and concurring, with our Tampa bashing on these pages over the weeks. Despite what the press would like you to think QB Josh Freeman is not hurt or being let down by his O-Line he's simply regressing back to the mean that falls somewhere between his abysmal Rookie year and magical second season. And speaking of regressions if you like to place an exotic wager every now and then try Cleveland to win the coin toss today. They currently stand at 0-10 on the year which means, as the statisticians will tell us, that their chances of winning today are exactly 50-50. Still, I frequently play the Lottery, a Government sponsored tax on people who are bad at Math, so I'm thinking I just might take a flier on that one in Cincinnati.

--On the injury front remember Adrian Peterson is out for Minny, Matt Leinart starts in Houston and Caleb Hanie, who I believe used to play the used Furniture/Tools salesman on Green Acres ("I just happen to have one on the truck"), goes in place of Jay Cutler for the Bears. For those unconcerned about this last change because you remember Hanie filling in so admirably against the Packers in last year's NFC Championship Game just be forewarned that Chicago coaches were so worried that they auditioned Luke McCown  or Josh McCown or Cade McNown or Les Brown and His Band of Renown or some such spare part this week so confidence is not exactly brimming in Lovie Smith's and Mike Martz' worlds.

--As for my pick we're gonna stick to our guns and call for San Diego to end their 5 game losing streak at      -5.5 over Denver with Phillip Rivers finally getting back on track. After being backdoor-ed by Jake "Davy Jones'" Locker last week I'm pretty much throwin' darts at this point. As for the biggest "Public" teams, according to BeyondTheBets.com the money is flowing in on Pittsburgh, Carolina and New England. After getting pounded by the public early these games have been going the Bookies way of late so tread carefully. And finally the weather is nice in the Northeast today and if Michael Vick plays against a soft Pats D and Tom Brady gets to fling it around against Juan Castillo's stop troops could we be looking at a shootout? Food for thought...now some for me...I'm through!

No wonder the Swiss are always neutral...who's gonna fight when you're running this up the flag pole?

Life...You'd Think It Caught Me Sleeping With Its Wife

    Wow, Thanksgiving...a whole day of eating, drinking and football. Hell if it wasn't for all that giving thanks crap it would be perfect. But now, for the last weekly CFB post of the year, I return to my usual miserable, ungrateful self...ah, that just feels right.
    And as for those people who asked if I had a good Thanksgiving I can barely drag my cream cheese white ass off the couch to do things with my friends-people I choose to be with. What makes you think I'd enjoy spending time with my family?
    Then again it's always nice to hear stories about how my Great-Grandfather had his own business as a Cooper-gee, thanks for that legacy...were all the Buggy Whip franchises taken? Or to sit around with enough Gin Blossoms to start a Clown College and be regaled with stories of the old AFL, a league which NFL Films has taught me never saw a no-look, over the shoulder lateral they wouldn't throw and often played their games accompanied by the soundtrack from The Benny Hill Show for some reason. But now let's bring this pile of penurious puns and busty bimbos to a close...

CFB NOTES
--The annual Coaching Carousel has been fired up and several schools have already made their grab for the (br)Ass ring. Former West Virginia coach Rich Rodriguez has landed the Arizona job, ex-Texas Tech player-beater Mike Leach is reported to be locked in for New Mexico and in a move reminiscent of that old Twilight Zone inspired dream of having tomorrow's newspaper Urban Meyer is the new Head Coach of Ohio State as of approximately 3:15 P.M. today.
    Obviously it's business as usual in the Athletic Departments of the FBS, but before Arizona Wildcat fans start doing cartwheels over the hiring of Rodriguez they may want to gird themselves for some tough times. You see Richie R. runs a unique spread option attack that demands speed over strength even along the offensive line. At West Virginia his first season saw the school go from 7-5 under Don Nehlen to 3-8 as Rodriguez tried to make due with personnel that did not fit his scheme. Similiarly at Michigan his first year saw a drop from 9-4 to 3-9 as the dropback passers and road grader lineman of the Lloyd Carr era struggled in the new system. In fact in his 10 years at West Virginia and Michigan R-Rod had 7 winning seasons and in each his teams ran the ball more than 70% of the time as opposed to under 60% in his 3 losing years.
    Rodriguez did not find his mojo at either school until he was able to upgrade the overall team speed and find mobile, option QBs like Rasheed Marshall, Pat White and Denard Robinson to run his O. At Arizona it may be more of the same as passing QB Nick Foles has reigned under center for 3 years. Backup Matt Scott, who'll be a senior next year, is more of a runner, but has woefully little experience.
    So temper those expectations in the desert for now and remember in addition to the slow starts at WVU and UM Rodriguez also turned in a 1-7-1 in his inaugural season at NAIA Glenville State and a 2-8 at tiny Salem College after which they dropped the football program. Hopefully things won't get that desperate in Tucson.

--New reports have come out recently indicating that due to tough economic times Sperm Banks are reducing or eliminating altogether payment for samples which means those towels and old socks that are "standing up" in the back of my closet no longer constitute a valid retirement plan.
    Of course this isn't the first time I've been wrong on a grand scale. From the Crystal Pepsi/clear cola "revolution" to The Knack being bigger than The Beatles to Kevin Costner as a Triple Threat (act-ee, no writ-ee, no direct-ee, just act-ee) I've swung and missed worse than Anthony Perkins in Fear Strikes Out on a number of occasions. So if you had Tulsa plus the FG yesterday my apologies.
    Houston yesterday proved that a hot QB can overcome all and could very well end up in a BCS bowl. Their chance at crashing the National Championship party, however is about as good as those Acid Wash jeans in my dresser making a comeback. Even if they beat unranked Southern Miss in the CUSA Conference Title game their strength of schedule will kill them in the computer-generated component of the BCS rankings. Which means we very likely could be seeing...

Oklahoma State girl who begs the question what's going on at College campuses and when's it gonna trickle down to the High School level?

--An Alabama-LSU rematch for the National Title. The Bayou Bengals win yesterday means all they need to do is beat a thoroughly underwhelming Georgia in the SEC Title tilt to punch they're ticket. If Bama in turn beats #25 Auburn today they will solidify their hold on #2 perhaps enough to stand off any challenges from the three one loss teams-Oklahoma State, Stanford and Virginia Tech.
    For those trying to keep score Okie State is hurt by Oklahoma's loss to Baylor and the defection of Colorado and Nebraska from the conference leaving the formerly Big 12 without enough teams to hold a conference championship game this year. Stanford still must negotiate Notre Dame, but then will not get another game in the Pac-12 Title tilt if Oregon beats Oregon State in The Civil War. Though whether or not an upset takes place neither the Ducks nor the Cardinal (note: I'm not missing an "s" they're named after a color so as not to offend PETA, I assume) will benefit from playing potentially 6-6 UCLA who somehow won the South Division (thanks Pete Carroll for that USC probation). And finally Virginia Tech might have the best chance to leapfrog everyone if they can beat a defensively tough Virginia and then Clemson in the ACC title game. Of course a Clemson loss to South Carolina today would diminish that potential win and now before I start sounding like Professor Irwin Corey let's move on...

Maybe having UCLA around for an extra game won't be terrible...and as for those uniforms, I agree, underwear's for sissies...

    Bottom line is Alabama's not winning their division is no impediment to their making the BCS Title Game and in the case of Nebraska in 2001 it was actually a benefit. Just like David Bowie's being married to a man it is unsurprising to find out that Nebraska that year owed its 11-0 start to an easy slate that featured only three games away from Lincoln and those vs. the 3 worst teams in the Big 12...what's that David Bowie's married to Imam, a fashion model...well that's kinda surprising. But back to the Cornhuskers they rolled into #14 Colorado on Thanksgiving weekend, got exposed 62-36 by the Buffaloes and missed out on the Conference Championship game which turned out to be a blessing for instead of taking another beating from a one loss Texas squad they sat home and watched as Colorado beat the Longhorns and Tennessee beat the other major one loss school Florida putting them in the BCS title game against undefeated Miami (FL).
    The case of the Crimson Tide is not that egregious. Alabama has handled everyone on their sked including Arkansas and Penn State with ease and only lost to LSU in OT. Still many felt that battle of FGs had all the excitement of an Amish Barn Raising and would rather see a more wide open attack like Oklahoma State or Oregon get a crack at the Baton Rougers. Unfortunately our money's on a Tide-Tiger rematch, but don't lose hope for as the recent Ohio Amish-sect beard cutting episode has proven sometimes these guys can party like it's 1899!

--The final picks...mercifully. If you've been going against these selections, God bless. If you've been playing on them...oh, who am I kidding that ship sailed long ago. Still I like today's duo more than usual so use your judgement. First when Jim Tressel arrived in Columbus he made his #1 priority beating Michigan which he did every year going back to 2003. Consequently first year Michigan coach Brady Hoke was forced to make a similiar proclamation of rivalry focus upon his hiring and now's time to fulfill his promise. In Hoke's favor is the ignominious departures of Tressel and star QB Terrell Pryor that has left the Buckeyes a shadow of those teams that dominated the Wolverines for nearly a decade. As every new woman who's slept with me could tell OSU fans frustration makes for an ugly bedfellow. so with that in mind Michigan appears ready to blow a load that'd make Dr. Arnold Kegel (yes, there's a real guy) proud so we'll take the Wolverines -7.5 and if you can get that "buy the hook" down to -7 just to be safe. And in our other play let's take a shot with Minnesota +11 vs. Illinois for the Old Oaken Bucket or Synthetic Dildo or whatever they play for in this series. Pete Fiutak of College Football News has called it his Lock of the Year and that's a whole lot better than anything we've come up with recently.
    That's all, but check back for further CFB commentary, selections and campus hotties as the weeks roll on. The best way to keep up is by becoming a Follower here or doing the same @sprtcom102 on Twitter or at the "Bowling Til' It Hurts" page on FaceBook. This one's for you mugs...

Hygiene, people, if you take nothing away from here, but that....

Medically Correct...Morally Bankrupt-NFL Notes Week 11

--Friday was "Pajama Day" at school an event replete with so many kids wandering around in bathrobes and slippers that I felt like not so much a teacher as an orderly at a mental institution...I mean more so than usual. My request, however, to get on the PA and in a sing-song voice announce, "Medication Time", like R.P. McMurphy in One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest was rejected not so much for being inappropriate as for the confusion it would cause since we already have 3 unannounced Medication Times every day. But yes people should work harder/longer to get ahead...the "Twelve Hours A Day Of Daycare" Generation is what's gonna make this country great again...sorry, I'm done now.

--Now I know Penny's supposed to be the looker on Big Bang Theory, but has Bernadette filled out rather nicely this season...and while we're at it did Brandi from Storage Wars get a boob job...and who else watches all the way through the intro to Modern Family just so they could see the oldest daughter in that short skirt and calf-high boots...and what's with the fiancee girl on Terms of Engagement? Is she hot? Is she fat? It's hard to te...Dear God, maybe these educational experts are right. We do need a Voucher System...

NFL NOTES
--Sometimes you can be too smart. For example Ritz Crackers boxes of the 1970's used to feature on the back a recipe for something called "Mock Apple Pie". This was a traditional-style pie made with all the usual ingredients except apples. Instead one substituted Ritz Crackers...naturally.
    Now going from using sweet, juicy apples to salty, crunchy crackers and putting together a tasty replica of the real thing is certainly a stunning feat of neurological gymnastics, but instead of being impressed I was generally left thinking what if this person had put his mind to something important, like say, finding a cure for cancer or coming up with a sign you could use to alert people their turn signal's been on for 17 miles (the middle finger doesn't have the effect I'd hoped it would) instead.
    Last week  Atlanta HC Mike Smith decided to go for it on 4th and 1 from his own 30 in OT and though the failure sealed a loss for the Falcons Football Sabermetricians, who have long been touting research that says teams should go for it on 4th and short far more often than they do, came out of the woodwork to defend him. And while I'm all for innovation and inventiveness I think this may be an overreach. Going back to the early 2000's sabermetric founder Bill James proposed a fluid, non-defined bullpen system that the Red Sox adopted and abandoned after half a season. The problem was not so much ineffectiveness as it was complaints from players who preferred having a defined role.
    In football the offense's role is to get first downs. When they fail the special team's role is to flip the field position and the defense's job is to stop the opponent. Last Sunday Smith made his offense everything and played down the roles of his special teams and defense. Over a 162 game season you might be able to weather these storms and wait for regression to prove you right. Over 16 games even a short string of failures of this nature can destroy confidence and lead to dissension. It's only one game and Smith has built up plenty of points in the lockerroom since replacing Bobby Petrino so he should be able to survive this gaffe. But sometimes we need less Mock Apple Pies in the world and more easier opening ways to package, goddamned, cream cheese...

Maybe I was too hard on Mock Apple Pie...I mean sometimes fake is just better.

--I'm gonna Occupy My Couch before I ever consider Occupy(ing) Wall Street, but let's face facts a lot of rich people are just Dicks. For example the sweater tied around the neck old guy who dropped his keys at the supermarket and when I went to hand them back said, "thanks, I'll need those for my BMW." At which point I held them up by the tiny Super Saver card and said, "yeah and you'll need this to save 3 cents on peas...Asswipe." OK, maybe not that last part, but hey when did they remove the "c" with a line through it cents symbol anyway.
    Oh yeah the point...this kind of attitude it what makes it easy to see the Washington Redskins perpetually fail. Daniel Snyder looks like a little Napoleonic-complexed ass and the way he has jerked around this fantastic fan base while throwing money around to provide false hope pretty much bears it out.
    So here's a tip...get a friggin' QB. Since he took over in 1999 the roster of signal callers here has barely shown any planning or foresight toward what is obviously the most critical position on the field. The lineup of starters includes the Over-The-Hill gang (well into their 30's at the time) of Brad Johnson, Jeff George, Mark Brunell and Donovan McNabb; the low or undrafted trio of Danny Wuerffel, Shane Matthews and Tim Hasselbeck; and the over-drafted tandem of Patrick Ramsey and Jason Campbell plus this year's train wreck that is Rex Grossman and John Beck.
    So for an owner who once had his vendors sell beer in the bathrooms and bags of peanuts he got at an auction for the bankrupt Imperial Airlines quit cutting corners where it's important only to piss money away on the Albert Haynesworth's of the world. After all a bunch of fat guys in flower print dresses and pig noses deserve better.

This is our 4th Redskin Cheerleader of the year...which says at least Daniel Snyder hasn't skimped on the silicone.

--If you need a stat to define why the Eagles are not the Dream Team they were billed as here it is: Last week the Arizona Cardinals threw 40 passes. On 16 of those Nnandi Asomugha matched up in single coverage with Larry Fitzgerald resulting in two targets for no completions. On the other 24 attempts Fitzgerald caught 7 passes for 146 yards and two TDs.
    Years of watching Steve Smith put up monster numbers all by himself in Carolina has confirmed, as has Phil Simms in his book Sunday Morning Quarterback, that there is no such thing as Double Coverage, as we know it from the school yard, in the NFL. Still the least you could do is have your high-priced shutdown corner shadowing your opponents biggest threat instead of standing out in space waiting for lead-footed Tight Ends like Jeff King to run through his area.
    Certainly the Iggles have regressed some on offense this year particularly in the passing game, but that was to be expected to a degree after a Top 3 performance in 2010. The signing of Asomugha, however, should have freed up the safeties and LBs to play a more agressive game that could have offset the down tick on O. Instead Philly is 12 takeaways off last year's pace and ranks 29th in the league in TD passes allowed. That's a lot of cheese steaks spent on a player for that kind of return, but hey Andy Reid and Defensive Coordinator Juan Castillo's bond is one that'll last a lifetime...and you can't put a price on friendship.

--Fred's Pick (3-3-1) today is Chicago -4 over San Diego. We concur, but wish we didn't have to as the mess in Charger-land has made the idea of the Broncos stealing the AFC West a distinct possibility and that means Tebow Time, All The Time for sports media everywhere. K.C. looks done what with having to start a QB who actually couldn't beat out Matt Cassell for the rest of the year and Oakland seems to be, as my Grandmother used to say, like Shit...they're all over the place. Today they go to Minny for a big one since up coming matchups with potential playoff squads Green Bay, Chicago and Detroit could be dicey. Carson Palmer's improvement last week and continuing familiarity with the offense does bode well for the Raiders. However, if they should falter and Phillip Rivers can't find his old self soon the press might have us believing the name on the back of those controversial Tebow jerseys shouldn't be "Jesus", but "God".

--As for us we're gonna try the Falcons to bounce back from last week's emotional loss (Hell it worked for freakin' Penn State yesterday) laying 6.5 to Tennessee in the confines of the Georgia Dome. We've already gone on about Matt Ryan's success at home vs. on the road and last week mentioned Tennessee seems a suspect 5-4 with a vunerability on the road and recent results results give us value at under a TD and even down to -6 in some places. I'm still sick so that's all while I'm off to self-medicate 12 fluid ounces at a time.

Finally, let's class this thing up a bit...Enjoy the games!

My Medically Correct Weight If I Was 8' 6"

    Back in the heady days when I was a student my High School had a Smoking Lounge/Bathroom...for the students! Within which resided a revolving door of potheads and misfits puffing their brains out in front of a wall graffiitt-ed with "Peace, Pot, Microdot" and the 3-foot tall school Disciplinarian mocking phrase "WADDON SUCKS" amidst a room so heavy with Marlboro smoke you could get Emphyzema taking a piss while a seemingly continous loop of Neil Young's "Sugar Mountain" droned on in the background.
    And NO ONE cared!
    Today if you bring so much as an airplane bag of peanuts into your room at least three kids' heads will swell up like wedding dicks and a Hazmat Unit in Chernobyl suits will be called in to secure the area while the rest of the class is ushered to the nurse's office for a Silkwood Shower that could make the Freedom Marchers of Selma, Alabama look like kids playing in a sprinkler.
    OK, maybe I'm a little over-annoyed for just having to sit through a 45 minute video on "The Peanut and Peanut Borne Illness", but it may be time for less "No Child Less Behind" and more Eugenics because, mark my words, they could put up all the metal detectors they want to keep guns outta school only to see the next Columbine be a kid with a dozen PayDay bars holding an entire cafeteria hostage. George Washington Carver never saw this coming.

Well, I guess that's better than on your chin...right?

CFB NOTES
--We warned you about Kansas State, touted Oregon over Stanford last week and though we were a week early on Okie State the payoff came last night so this week's overrated team du jour is...Houston. With Boise State vanquished by last week's loss to TCU and QB Case Keenum putting up record smashing numbers the Cougars have become everyone's BCS Busting Baby as the only undefeated team in the land outside of LSU.
    Still the Cougars are currently ranked 11th in the BCS Poll and with good reason. According to the two best Strength of Schedule rating systems we could find UH's sked is ranked 117th by the Fremeau Efficiency Rating and a dead last 120 out of 120 at College Football Reference. A lineup of opponents so soft it could make Gerry Cooney consider a comeback.
    First off there are only 3 other teams in Conference USA with above .500 records and Houston has played exactly none of them. Their toughest opponent to date is either UCLA or Louisiana Tech. After beating those two by 4 and 1 point respectively early in the year the Cougars were no big deal, but then Keenum and the offense went off like Michael Richards at an NAACP benefit scoring 56/63/73/56/73 in a five game stretch while undefeateds Oklahoma, Stanford, Alabama, Clemson, Boise and now Oklahoma State were falling.
    What's been ignored is that those blowouts were against a quintuplet of teams that are a combined 17-36 and only one game, vs. UAB, was outdoors on the road which is always the true barometer for a Dome team. Additionally in that UAB game the Blazers were within a TD as late as mid third quarter and UH only topped 50 points by virtue of a 54 yard INT return in the 4th quarter.
    With two more wins and a coupla stumbles in front of them the BCS dream is still in reach. The problem is that they close with two of those plus .500 CUSA squads. Today they're -20.5 at home to SMU, a club that owns a win at TCU, but has struggled lately losing three of four including their last to Navy. If that's not to your liking root for the UH blowout because they'll be at one of our pointspread faves, Tulsa, on Black Friday, and the Golden Hurricane could end up a bigger bargain than all the DoorBusters Walmart and Target has to offer. Monitor the situation.

--The comedian Louis C.K. explains his often pained expression as deriving from the fact that his lifelong poor dietary habits have left him pepetually within a 48 hour window of diarrhea. We believe a former Heisman Trophy winner and coaching giant like Steve Spurrier has eaten better in his lifetime, but to watch his face on the sidelines weekly it appears something's percolating in his loins.
    Now we're no Doctors, but it would appear the root of this problem lies in South Carolina's QB play. At Florida Visor Steve was able to turn the mediocre likes of Shane Matthews, Danny Wuerffel, Jesse Palmer and Rex Grossman into Heisman Trophy candidates, but at USC it's been no such Luck (for future reference the bad pun is always intended). The main trio of Gamecock QBs under Spurrier, Blake Mitchell/Chris Smelley/StephenGarcia, is hardly gonna make anyone forget "Slingin'" Sammy Baugh or even ex-LPGA hottie Laura Baugh for that matter.
Once drank herself into a state of "spontaneous bleeding" according to her Autobiography and looks like this? ...Where has she been all my life?

But what's even more disturbing is that under this once great QB Guru each of these helmsman has actually gotten worse with their TD/INT ratios consistently going in the wrong direction: Mitchell 17/12, 10/6, 10/9; Smelley 9/7, 14/15; Garcia 17/10, 24/14, 4/9. Additionally, the fact that S.C. has produced some of it's all-time best defenses during Spurrier's 7 year run yet never had a season with less than 5 losses seems a bigger waste than Markie Post's boobs on Night Court.
    What this all means were not really sure. But these are not your Father's Steve Spurrier squads and it appears they never will be which is too bad for an insanely rabid fan base that's still looking for that one National Championship run.

--In a quick note if you're thinking of changing your Fantasy Football team name midseason I've already alerted ESPN and CBS Sportsline that I've trademarked the monicker "Showering With Sandusky". But for readers here leave a comment below and I'll Grandfather you in (again bad pun...intended).

--And speaking of the Penn State affair did anyone else get the creepy feeling while Sandusky was being interviewed by the tiny, boyish Bob Costas that at any moment Chris Hansen from Dateline was gonna pop out from around the corner?

--Alabama plays FCS team Georgia Southern today so is, unfortunately, off TV. Not that we're Crimson fans, but since the LSU game we've become addicted to superfluous shots of those UA Baton Girls who  seem to use enough peroxide to burn a new Fontanelle in their skulls. So for all you latent perverts...and we assume that's everyone who managed to get this far...here's a quicky to Tide you over...

Taking in the entirety of this picture it's easy to see who belongs to Pi Delta Pi and who belongs to the Omega Moos...those are real sororities right?

--We pushed last week with Nebraska who squandered a 17-0 lead, but held on 17-14. That's annoying, but not as bad as those big faves that win outright, but don't cover. Hey, if I'm miserable they should be too has always been my thinking. We've been confused and scattershot with out College picks this year, but we have noticed that sometimes we're a week too soon with our analysis. We lost with Tulsa then saw them reel off 5 straight covers, were a game too early with our Oklahoma State defense collapse and so on. So in a confusing card and through a fog of student induced phlegm we're gonna say Penn State is emotionally drained after trying to win one for JoePa last week (they planned to walk the game ball to his house afterwards) and we'll back an improved Ohio State (loss to Purdue last week notwithstanding) at -6.5. We're still a little wired on Natty Ice and Nyquil so you might want to venture your money conservatively, but either way enjoy the games!!

The ubiquitous Hottie 'O The Day...There's so many of these women on the Internet I'm literally thinking of hiring the Squegee Guy from the exit ramp near Yankee Stadium to stand next to my computer screen.

More Thieves And Liars...NFL Notes Week 10

GENERAL NOTES

--So is it just me or can you picture Herman Cain barging into the National Restaurant Association Convention like Sheriff Bart in Blazing Saddles  screaming, "Where the white women at?" And while we're at it is Cain's ubiquitous 9-9-9 harangue turning into the political version of Moses Malone's "fo', fo', fo'" interview (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BRPIJ1FFN_U)? I'm no politico, but the fact that he and Perry have almost single-handedly launched the staff-less Newt Gingrich back into the mix makes this whole thing look like the NFC West with Romney as the 49ers and the rest as the Seahawks, Rams and Cardinals.

--In Celebrity News Kim Kardashian's ex-publicist, Jonathan Jaxson, said her 72 day marriage never had a chance because she's still holding a torch for former boyfriend and Miami Dolphin RB Reggie Bush. Which reminds us of the scandalous Donna Rice, who also secretly pined for a Bush even as her 1987 affair with married Presidential candidate Gary Hart brought down his rising campaign. When questioned Rice admitted that, though she truly loved Hart, all along she planned on voting for George H.W. Bush in the election. When asked by the press how she reconciled that conundrum she proclaimed, "What can I say, in my heart I like Bush, but in my bush I like Hart." Well put indeed.

If you're gonna throw away your political career at least this beats Holy Hell outta Monica Lewinsky.

--And finally when you're half passed out drunk on the couch at two A.M. did you ever just wish one of the Bimbo Du Jour's on the dating show Excused! would tell sideways talking host Iliza Schlesinger, "Eddie Money called and he wants his mouth back..." No...it's just me...well, moving on...

NFL NOTES
--The worst dating advice I ever got is also the dating advice I received more often than any other and that is, "Be yourself"...Yeah, like that's gonna work!? I mean if "being myself" had any merit I wouldn't be meeting "Ruebenesque in Ridgefield" over a Blooming Onion at the bar of the Paramus Mall Outback Steakhouse in the first place now would I.
    And like in dating in football coaching sometimes you have to become something you're really not to succeed. Denver headman John Fox, for example, is not an offensive innovator. His gameplans in Carolina often made Woody Hayes look like Mouse Davis what with the running D'Angelo Williams into the middle of the line on first down over and over, then replacing him with Jonathan Stewart so he couldn't get any momentum and dammit where were the screens and...oh sorry...I still have some pent up Fantasy Football angst from 2 years ago to work out, but to the point...In Tim Tebow Fox has a QB who requires that he either change or lose. Trying to turn Timmy T. into a 2nd long/3rd long pocket passer is like turning "Layla" into a lazy, lilting, blues number and we all can admit now that just sucked.
    Last week Tebow ran more often and for more yards than in his previous two starts and after a slow 1st Half the Mile High-ers ended up routing Oakland in the 3rd/4th Quarters. The game played out much like the previous two with the Broncos trailing early, but this time Tebow used his best asset, his legs, to turn things around. In fact on every Denver scoring drive Tebow had one or more runs of double digits compared to none on the drives that ended in punts. And it's not necessarily the designed runs that are most effective, but rather the scrambles. If you're gonna have TT stand in the pocket going through progressions all day you might as well issue him a jersey with a Cross Hairs on it instead of a number like he was a Democratic Congressman on a Sarah Palin website map. Give him a primary target (and he doesn't have to lock in, he can look off and come back to that receiver) and tell him to take off or go to a TE/RB safety valve if that's not open.
    Alright, we're all sick of Tebow Talk at this point. But lack of imagination annoys me. Maybe you can't win with a QB like this. Maybe he will get injured too quickly. Maybe teams will adjust (of course you could then re-adjust). Maybe it just flat out is unfeasible due to the size and speed in the NFL. But exhaust your options before you give up the ghost. Hopefully Denver took a step in the right direction last week...and as for me, Ladies, I don't know if you've heard of Doctors Without Borders, but I'm....

--My Irish grandfather used to tell the story of growing up in County Cork where he and his friends would go out at night, get rip-roarin' drunk, piss all over the Blarney Stone and then come back the next day and laugh uproariously as the Tourists kissed it for luck. In other words we can't always see what's going on behind the scenes; except at that window they have in front of the grill at White Castle and frankly that's the one place I'd rather not know what's going on. Waiters could be spitting in your food, rats crawling across your soda cans, High School aged Baskin-Robbins employess blowing snot into the Prailines & Cream (or so I've heard) and worst of all coaches designing game plans that thoroughly undermine your well thought out wagers.
    A few weeks ago we wound up with a push when the Giants, after getting burned by two long TDs early, backed off defensively against the Bills and allowed Ryan Fitzgerald to almost dink and dunk his way to a road upset. With this in mind we shied away from the Jets last week, but Rex Ryan proved why he really is one of the best defensive minds in the game today by having his defense attack the line of scrimmage, jump the slant routes and lock up Stevie Johnson with their best CB, Darrell Revis. The result was the lowest offensive output for Buffalo this season and it may have been a glimpse into what we may get tonight in an excellent Sunday Night matchup.
    We talked last week about the Moss-less Pats having no deep threat so we expect to see more of the same attack mode out of the J-Men tonight. Brady's arm strength and quick release give N.E. a better chance than the Bills, but as was witnessed in the 1st half last week the days of Belichick/Brady's Flying Circus may be over vs. the league's better D's. The numbers tonight are PK/47.5. Fred and our picks will be below, but with Sanchez vs. Belichick's defensive scheming and Brady under attack by the Jets D this looks like a potential FG battle that leans towards the New Yorkers.

Apparently this cheer is in honor of the Bills wearing their throwback "Buffalo Standing There Taking A Dump" helmets last week.

--And speaking of the Patriots lack of a deep threat...what about T.O.? Wait, wait here me out on this. Now yes, I'm aware, T.O.'s public workout session drew less interest than a Yoko Ono Poetry Slam...and sure putting Owens and Belichick together is like bringing Gabourey Sidibe to Howard Stern's All-U-Can-Eat Buffett, but deseperate times call for deseprate measures. And that's exactly why we think this thing may actually have legs. A loss tonight would have the Pats-ies at 5-4 and on the outside of the playoff picture. That and a 3 game losing streak to the type of teams (Pit., NYG, NYJ) that he knows they need to beat to win it all could leave Bitter Billy open to some compromise.
    Now sure no one wants to take on T.O.'s attitude and histrionics, but that's what was said about Randy Moss upon leaving Oakland. Owens, of course, is older, but a half season deal that would put him in the most structured environment in the NFL with the idea that this could be his last shot hanging over his head could make for an uneasy, but fruitful short term marriage...aaand we're back to Kim Kardashian again.
    Jokes aside, though, depending on the outcome tonight it could make sense, but there are a lot of egos to navigate if it were to get done. Still it's a Hell of a lot better than sittin' around sadly every weekend watching Ocho Cinco try.

And one for the Patriots throwback helmets...

--Though Peyton Hillis isn't playing this week there's good news in that a planned Intervention was called off. I'm not sure if the Intervention was planned by management, his teammates or Fantasy owners everywhere, nor do I know what it entailed but if your invited I can tell you from experience it's best not to bring a six-pack and an 8-Ball. My favorite story in this vein is when Fred of "Fred's Picks" was coaxed into attending a Gambler's Anonymous meeting to which he brought a deck of cards surmising correctly, "when am I ever gonna be in a room with a bigger bunch of losers than this...there's money to be made!"...He busted.

--That said Fred has had his successes and failures in the wagering world and the experience has left him the wiser. Like us he suffers from one fatal sports betting flaw. For us it's silencing the voices of others and going with our own analysis. For Fred it's action. He likes it and therefore money management suffers as he backs teams that he may not have a strong feeling for. Here you get the best of all possible worlds as we're limiting Fred (3-2-1 on the year) to his best pick weekly and as his record shows early on it's usually fairly strong. Today's his play is Carolina -3 over Tennessee. The Titans 4-4 start has been helped by an easy sked and 5 home games. Their only road win is at Cleveland where they were outgained and out-first downed 25-13, but benefitted from an 80 yd. TD reception by TE Jared Cook and a 97 yd. INT return. The only cavaet is that beating Tennessee seems dependent on stopping their run game. Cleveland ranks 31st in rush D and got pummelled, unfortunately Carolina ranks 28th though they have played a tougher sked. Check Cam Newton's shoulder situation and then wager as you see fit.

--Wagering Wisdom: Top public team today according to BeyondTheBets.com is Baltimore -7 at Seattle. Tavaris Jackson will play. We mention this as positive only because that's how bad Charlie Whitehurst truly is. Recall Baltimore lost to Ten. on the road after beating Pit. in Week 1. Same scenario here and toss in their road blowup at Jax. as well and if you're a contrarian you might see this as a low scoring affair that favors Seattle...In another odd positive note Rex Grossman may get the start in Miami. He stinks, but gives them a chance against a low level team. John Beck gives them a chance against no one...And despite the MNF loss the public is back on Philly pushing the line from -12 to -14 in many places though I think it would take globe-like cajones to back Fordham's own John "Don't Call Me Red" Skelton who starts in place of Kevin Kolb today...We'll stick with our guns and go Jets-Patriots Under 47.5 and allow ourselves to watch the early games in peace. Here's to many a FG tonight. Good luck, good day, get drunk!

It says this girl's name is Marzia Banghard...yeah sure...pleased to meet you I'm Studley Hungwell...

Old school wrestling at "Seminal Sluts and "Crimson Mask" titles. Erin Andrews and women of ESPN at "Something In The Way She Says Gamecocks" or just look around, if nothing else there's well-endowed models everywhere.

A Thief I Could Take, But A Liar! (CFB Notes)

--This week's Veterans Day celebration at our school, featuring over 400 retired and active service people, raised the question in my mind-why is every third VFW member required to look like Wilfred Brimley? But thanks and kudos to comely Captain Lisa Palmer USAF who spoke to my classes and whose attractiveness no doubt is helping save Military Recruiting from years of M*A*S*H reruns that convinced previous generations Hot Lips Houlihan was the best the services had to offer.

--Additionally like an Arab-American with a yen to become a Crop Duster I have no illusions about what I'm up against here. While the kind words and increasing readership has been nice I realize I have about as much chance of being the next Bill Simmons as Jerry Sandusky does of hosting the Kid's Choice Awards. Still I was a little dismayed when Google, as you will notice above, pulled the advertising thereby denying me at least the Dickensian wage I was working on. But that's fine. I plan to forge on anyway and who knows perhaps I can lure those "One Trick For A Full Night's Sleep" ads to the site because, though it's hard to see the connection, a few more big breasted women is certainly not going to weaken the war effort.

One of the "One Trick For A Full Night's Sleep" Models: This is why I never give my female students homework...sleep, girls, sleep...

CFB NOTES
--Years ago I dated a young, hot co-worker who grandiosely proclaimed her Grandfather pitched for the Boston Red Sox. When, after a couple dates, I lured her up to my apartment I did not lead amorously, but instead pulled out the 10,000 page Baseball Encyclopedia, one of the few tomes along with Churchill's Memoirs and the Oxford English Dictionary that actually outlasted my Father's post-Church/pre-Kickoff bathroom ablutions during my childhood. When I showed her that her Grandfather was not included therein she countered with, "Well not everyone, ever, is in that book", which prompted me to turn to Johnson Cin.-1887 AB: 1 R: 0 H: 0 2B: 0 3B: 0 HR: 0 RBI: 0 AVG.: .000 hometown: ? and state haughtily, "If he's in here then everyone's is!" Not realizing at that moment that that would be the only "Johnson" I'd be showing her that evening...or ever.
    The point is that Life is a series of games and every decision is "Game Sensitive". In the above case I had no "game" and should've been sensitive of that. Alabama HC Nick Saban, too, had a game and decisions to deal with last Saturday, but his "sensitivity" was akin to that of a Gallagher encore.
    After missing a 34 yd FG on their first drive Bama then attempted, and missed badly, two kicks, 49 and 50 yards, that are bombs by college standards particularly in a high pressure game. Hard and unpopular as it may be it appeared, with the Crimson dominating defensively at the time, that Saban would've been wiser to punt and hope to pin LSU deep and play a field position game that, with a 3 and out, could've yielded better opportunities in their next possessions.
    Certainly all this is speculative and relatively easy from the comfort of my coach, but big bucks means big decisions. If Saban had been more "game sensitive" he might have concluded that in a projected defensive struggle (the O/U was in the low 40's) yards might be more important than the risky points. Even if only one of the punts was downed inside the 10/5 it could've resulted in a field position driven TD or chip shot FG that could've turned the game.
    Point is Nick Saban didn't necessarily lose this game for the Tide (more Les Miles QB move and imagination won it), but neither did his kickers. Three of their four misses were low percentage kicks and two probably shouldn't have been tried at all. Still it was a great game between truly the two best teams in the Nation. Nick and the Boys may yet get a shot at the National Title standing currently at #3 in the BCS, but the chances for me with another nubile, young hottie are long gone...and not just due to the terms of my probation. So stay "sensitive" my friends.

--Listen, despite the cynicism herein fact is I wanna believe in something as much as the next guy...unless of course the next guy is Episcopalian since I'm not ready to accept Joe Piscopo as my Lord and Savior just yet. That is what they believe, right? But the one thing I will not believe in is the moral infallibility of anyone in the Major College FB/BB coaching profession.
    Awhile back we referenced the 1970's expose Caught In The Net by former Clemson BB coach and convicted NCAA rules violator Tates Locke who summed up the big time athletics dilemma eloquently when he stated, "I realized it was either cheat or lose and I just got tired of losing."
    Indeed try as you might to occupy the moral high ground folks like Jim Tressel, Dennis Erickson, John Calipari and Bob Huggins are gonna make you into a martyr the likes of which could make Joan of Arc look like Sammy "The Bull" Gravano turning state's evidence.
    Therefore I have little doubt that Joe Paterno's firing is much deserved. By dint of starting his career 46 years ago Paterno is, I'm sure, much cleaner and done much more for kids over the years than guys who entered the biz more recently. Still even an icon of his stature is not free from the pressures inherent in today's money-first CFB landscape. After a few sketchy seasons in the 2000's he was forced to participate in a power struggle to save his job. This coincidentally coincided with a string of arrests that culminated in a 2008 ESPN Outside The Lines investigation that revealed that Paterno had shielded 46 FB players from over 163 charges over a 5 year period by convincing the authorities that the matters were being handled internally. The expose closes with a parent of a PSU student who was severely beaten by a gang of players saying that all he wanted was not criminal convictions, but simply an apology from Paterno. He's still waiting.
    The writers at CollegeFootball News.com staged a Point/CounterPoint debate on Paterno's firing yesterday and while no one called the other an ignorant slut it did prove how difficult it is to believe Paterno is clean in this whole affair. The argument in favor of keeping JoePa coming down to the idea that if after reporting the McQuery matter to the AD he was told an investigation had cleared Sandusky he would be exonerated from any further wrongdoing. But one must ask why if this were the case was Paterno, or someone on his behalf, not trumpeting that news to the masses.
   Paterno was a God in Happy Valley and dictated to all and sundry in that manner. But his was a Kingdom, like so many others, predicated on winning and revenue generation; graduation rates and general morality be damned. To think that Paterno helped brush this matter under the carpet and even was instrumental in getting Sandusky back in the facility where he could keep an eye on him is in no way a leap. In fact for anyone who has followed big time College athletics down into it's current ethical morass this seems like the only logical explanation. We'll almost certainly never know the real truth, but if there is such a thing as guilt by association, then if he wanted to preserve his legacy, Joe Paterno shoulda got outta this business long ago.

Seriously Jerry Sandusky...weren't checking out co-eds and curiously long showers enough for you at this point.

--There's an idea that things that haven't occurred in a long time are "due". If that's the case then I should be bedding down a women at any moment now. And if this theory holds true my advice to her would be "bring a helmet" because I'm so "due" I could knock a lamp off the nightstand. The morning after looking like Dealey Plaza as the paramedics try to figure out like a Larry Flynt sponsored Warren Commission, "did the shot go in through the temple and come out through the back...or were they doing it doggy-style".
    If you're thoroughly nauseous at this point then let's bring things back to the original point which is if anyone was ever "due" to not cover the spread it's Stanford. Going back to 2010 the Cardinal has covered 14 straight games an unprecedented streak though were not sure how far back record keeping of this sort really goes. A few weeks back Washington was a popular dog against the Luck Bunch, but was annihilated easily both ATS and SU. Since then they've covered 2 more vs. USC (barely) and Oregon State meaning bookmakers have to be taking it on the chin like a bound Helen Keller giving fellatio as the bandwagon fills up.
    Today they're at home giving 3.5 to Oregon. The Ducks are always better in Eugene so this line actually seems a little low. OU has faced LSU, Cal and #18 Arizona State while Stanford has taken on no one short of USC who they struggled past in 3 OTs after forcing the extra time with a TD with only 51 seconds remaining. Maybe this then is the week the books try to burn the people and recoup their losses. We're no big fans of Oregon on the road and have all the respect for Stanford's vertical game, but all good things must come to an end. So if you like to have a little something riding on the big TV, marquee matchup consider the Ducks...they just might be due (our official picks are below).

Frankly that looks painful, but who am I not to ask her if I can borrow a pencil?

--Quick Hits: Speaking of "due" did Oklahoma State's defense get exposed Saturday night against a generally one-dimensional Kansas State team that put up 276 yards rushing and 507 overall in Stillwater? Now they're no Tuesday Night Toledo, but I've heard of GHB-ed girls that put up more resistance than that. Today they face an up and down Texas Tech in Lubbock and with their stock rising to #2 in the BCS the points (+20) could be enticing...And speaking of Toledo what's with HC Tim Beckman declaring that any player not 10 minutes early to a meeting is punished? Did this guy play guitar in Spinal Tap before getting into coaching? I could almost hear Rob Reiner's psuedo-documentarian Marty DiBergi asking him, "why don't you just start the meeting at 8:50 instead of 9 and punish anyone not there on time?" But I'm afraid the answer would be it, "but it goes to 11."...And finally the Sioux Indian Tribe is suing North Dakota University over their nickname the Fighting Sioux. I've never understood this really. Teams take on a nickname because they believe it represents pride and strength. I mean you don't see the Ostriches or the Fightin' Jm J. Bullocks out there anywhere do you. So alright maybe the Redskins and Cleveland's Chief Wahoo could do with a little tweaking, but hey if this works look out Michigan State and San Jose State Spartans Greece might just see this as a way out of their debt situation.

I've fought it all these years, but maybe DisneyLand really is "Where Dreams Come True".

--We wrote out a list of 10 games we like today. We've alluded to a few of them here, but for our official play we're going to take the easy way out and say no way Penn State can overcome the surrounding turmoil to be mentally ready to play today. Try Nebraska -3 though we wish the Nittany Lions were up against a less Scizophrenic squad in this one.

Just Another Newark State Of Mind (NFL Notes-Week 9)

GENERAL NOTES

--No truth to the rumor that a distraught Nick Saban tried to hang himself, but couldn't find anyone capable of kicking the chair out from underneath. We'll have more on Nick and his Kickers next week, but we have to admit last night's #1 vs. #2 showdown did live up to its "Game of the Century" hype...too bad it was the 19th Century. I mean Rutgers-Princeton had nothing on the Tide-Tigers...well except for actual Touchdowns, but moving on...

--Last Saturday's freak Northeast snowstorm cancelled school and all planned activities on Halloween Day which allowed the kids to spontaneously declare it "Halloween Week". And let me be the first to say if I see one more 17 year old girl parading around in a blonde wig and fishnet/spandex Lady Gaga costume I swear I'm gonna...Cheer, quite frankly. There are advantages to working in the upper grades.

--Of course I should probably be more prudent with my comments in light of the still fresh furor over Ohio Gym/Health teacher Stacy Schuler who was convicted on 16 counts of sexual battery last week for sleeping with her students. My question whenever these cases arise is what teenage boy is turning these Women/Dream Makers in? Now admittedly from the pictures it appears Ms. Schuler is not gonna make us forget Miss Vaughan from Billy Madison or star in a remake of Van Halen's "Hot For Teacher" vid, but at that age I would've been happy with any sex that didn't end with me limping out of Jerry Sandusky's Penn State Football Camp. Don't overthink it, Lads, just live the dream!

--And finally I wasn't joking yesterday when I commented on feeling old because I now get distracted in the supermarket checkout by the women on Prevention magazine. Just to drive that home someone sent me this picture yesterday prompting me to wonder is that the class from the "Scopes Monkey" trial? Who's the teacher...Ms. Crabtree? Is that Laura Ingalls second row right? Until it was pointed out that I'm third row left and then it all came back to me...the classroom, the students, the powder burns we received when the photographer under the curtain lit the flash. Please somebody shoot me now before the first piece of AARP junk mail arrives in my box...

NFL NOTES
--Last week's loss to Pittsburgh has all the talking/writing heads projecting the downfall of Bill Belichick's Patriot Dynasty. Now while the speculations may be a bit premature there is are some ominous signs lurking. For the most part Pittsburgh played press coverage last week and had their safeties attacking the intermediate zones thereby daring the Pats to beat them deep. With Ocho Cinco playing about as old as his name these days and Welker/Branch best suited for the underneath game that leaves New England's best deep threat as TE Aaron Hernandez. As long as Tom Brady's at QB the Patsies will still get their points, but the question has begun to arise whether they can get them often and fast enough to cover for a defense softening faster than the time I clicked on the YouTube trending "Celebrity Sex Tape-Dustin Diamond" before realizing that's Screech from Saved The Bell. More on the Pats/Giants game later in the "Fred's Pick" section.

--But before we leave the topic of New England receivers a quick mention should be made of Rob Gronkowski's and Julian Edelman's recent sexcapades. In Gronkowski's case we really don't see what's wrong with posting non-pornographic pics of you and your adult actress girlfriend on Twitter. Hell if I was dating BiBi Jones (photo below) I'd have our photo blown up and hauled around the school on a banner from the back of a plane like I was promoting my Surf & Sunglass Shop in Myrtle Beach. Besides if a 6'5" stud pro athlete is dating a hot, blonde porn star that's seems about par for the course, if I'm doing it then check the Field Trip fund and who cashed those PTA checks the kids brought in because something's amiss here.
    On the other hand Julian Edelman's under-skirt groping of a female bar patron is a little more concerning. Then again if Crocodile Dundee taught us anything, besides what is and isn't a knife, then it's that it's wise to test the authenticity of approaching females when you're drunk in a dark nightclub...Caveat Emptor, Julian Edelman, Caveat Emp-tor!

Adult film cutie BiBi Jones...porn's answer to Mary Ann from Gilligan's Island.

--How 'bout a bold prediction...the Dallas Cowboys win the NFC East! Alright maybe that's a little too bold, but I do think it's silly to write off Jerry's Kids as finished following every loss like folks did "99 Luft Balloons" Nena after that hairy armpit video.
 Going back over my dating career that's the least of the hairiness I was worried about...

Fact is according to Pro Football Reference the 'Boys have played the 3rd most difficult sked to date behind only the Rams and the Bears. Looking more closely they dealt everyone's darling du jour the 49ers their only loss in San Fran, should've beat the 6-2 Lions and except for their demolition of St. Louis have not really had another easy contest on their slate. And their losses may actually be more impressive having narrowly missed out on beating both the Jets at The Meadowlands and New England in Foxboro (where Tom Brady hasn't lost since 2006) while outgaining both. Last week was their only really poor effort and it came at Philly who was coming off bye a situation in which their coach Andy Reid has racked up a 12-0 record in his career.
    Injuries are and have been a concern all year. The latest loss of underrated MLB Sean Lee is a problem, but as long as DeMarcus Ware is harrassing opposing QBs they should be able to hold their own defensively. The O-line also has it's problems, but Miles Austin is back and Demarco Murray may be on the verge of Wally Pipp-ing Felix Jones at TB. Their next 5 are against Seattle, Buffalo, at Washington, Miami and at Arizona so the potential is there to make Dallas' second act this season more than a "Feuer Und Flamme"; or "It's All In A Game" for you non-German speaking fans...and thank you Wikipedia Nena page for not forcing me to page through my milk crates full of vinyl albums for that one.

--Some Quick Hits: On several occasions girlfriends have left me for other guys (I know, I couldn't believe it either) at which point I would utter the same line Denver GM John Elway is using with Bronco fans who clambored all season for Tim Tebow: You want him, you got him! The only difference is in my personal case at least one person was happy, in Denver nobody's winning. Still we believe the Tebow experiment should go on for two reasons. First the season's already lost so might as well play Timmy T. (and maybe a coupla starts for Brady Quinn too) see if there's anything there worth salvaging or begin preparing your new plan. And secondly it gives us another potential market for our "Suck For Luck" t-shirt idea.

--Now back when I was in school people had a much more liberal idea of what was politically correct. The name of our intramural Floor Hockey team was the Mother Puckers, our intramural Basketball team began as Nudity and we played in sneakers and our Hanes briefs until a gym teacher found 17 year olds running around with beer guts disconcerting and we changed it to La Retts which we were told is French for "The Retards", but we may have been led astray on that one.
    Today things are not the same. Have any mention of a beer or cigarette company on your clothing and you're pounced on by jackbooted thugs like the naked fat kid at Altamount. Still two weeks ago I saw a kid get away with this shirt for the entire day  So now I know there's plenty of "Suck For Luck" t-shirts out there, but if you live in Miami, Phoenix, Indianapolis or Denver I suggest you load up your trunk with a few boxes full featuring this style because there isn't a low-life, drunken, beer-bellied tailgater out there who wouldn't want to obnoxiously walk around with one of these. Good luck.

--In other QB news Carson Palmer gets his first full shot with Oakland today and for the sake of the memory of Al Davis here's hoping things work out. You see at next year's draft the Raiders War Room is going to be as silent as that of the Swiss Joint Chiefs of Staff since between Terrell Pryor, Palmer and other deals they  have awoken the memory of George Allen's Redskins by having no selections until the 5th round. Considering Carson P. is 33 years old and has had declining QB rates for every full year he's played since 2005 and that Pryor looks, at best, like Tebow-Lite Oakland took quite a big chance when they decided to go all in after Jason Campbell's injury and, though I never thought I'd type the words, may be regretting letting Bruce Gradkowski go in the offseason. Who'd have thought the Chiefs would be front-runners in this race after Week 2?

Stop scroll...ogle...time for picks...it's really a user-friendly site...

--Fred cashed easy last week with Tennessee and is now 2-2-1 on the year. Today he goes with the Giants +9 which is an interesting play. Tom Brady is on something like a 32 game winning streak at Foxboro and NFL teams that win games SU cover around 70% of the time. The question of course is what is that percentage when the line is more than a FG or more than a TD. We're not sure, but we've talked in our college posts about enticing big numbers sometimes being traps. In this case it may just be the Pats still living off their reputation. The way to beat the Giants is to force Eli Manning into mistakes, but the N.E. defense had not shown that tendency in recent weeks. Still the Giants go in without Ahmad Bradshaw or starting C David Baas (as well as Hakeem Nicks) which bodes poorly for the run game and Belichick may be able to scheme well enough to confuse Manning and the NYG O-Line. We're staying away, but it should be an interesting game and a clue into which way these squads may be trending in the coming weeks.

--Our official play is New Orleans -8.5 over Tampa Bay. The offensive letdown in St. Louis after scoring 61 against Indy seemed inevitable. Now they're back at home and facing what we feel is a pretender to their NFC South supremacy. In the Bucs magical 2010 season they got smoked 31-6 by the Saints in Tampa before winning a meaningless, "rest your starters" game at the Superdome in Week 17. Sean Payton and Drew Brees should set things right today and hopefully Josh Freeman and company have another San Francisco style road clunker ready to roll. Now carry on without me...

Yes, I'm a bit pensive about the Saints today as well...but hey we both have jobs to do...

I'm In A Newark State Of Mind

Now that 's something you don't hear often...

--So Kris Humphries claims Kim Kardashian's divorce filing came "out of the blue". Apparently he only uses the self-checkout and not the regular supermarket cashier lanes, I guess. And speaking of which have the women on the cover of Prevention magazine gotten hotter or am I really that old?

--Fact is the Kardashian/Humphries psuedo-nuptials raked in about $17M bucks yet barely lasted as long as the drum solo from "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida". So can we begin to stop with the elaborate weddings already. I've always viewed this like celebrating the victory before the game is played. Accomplish something first then throw your god-damned party. Wanna celebrate a Hollywood coupling how 'bout televising the 75th anniversary of Abe Vigoda and whatever dust queefing bag of bones he's been banging since the Truman Administration...Now there's a women who deserves a party.

--And lastly (I promise) enough with Kris Jenner trying to defend her daughter. The latest lament of how the press should mind their own business from a woman who stars on a show called Keeping Up With The Kardashians features her claiming Kim is not a Gold Digger and is "as comfortable shopping at Walmart as she is on Rodeo Drive." Yeah right...or to paraphrase Jim Florentine from VH1's That Metal Show, "I've been to several Walmarts and seen a lot of women with fat asses, but none of 'em looked like Kim Kardashian."

CFB NOTES
--I was once reprimanded by school administration after a student went home and told his parents that I was against wearing a seatbelt when driving because in the event of an accident I preferred to be "thrown clear". Since then I've always been sure to preface these slice of so-called Life sharing sessions with the caveat that kids should "do as I say and not as I do." On these pages, however, I thought my inelegantly, ignoble intent was clear: jokes/bad puns first, mammarian-ly magnified women second and selections, time permitting, third. Unfortunately fury over last week's 0-3 NCAA picking performance shows I may have underestimated people's desire to follow anyone with internet access and an opinion. So for last week's gridiron gambling gashing I apologize...not for the choices, but for not being more strenuous in my disclaimers.
    That said I honestly believe there is plenty of useful handicapping advice herein. Overall our selections on the NFL/CFB are at exactly .500, but those who read between the lines and cull the occasional coherence from our analysis stand to be the big victors...though, really, you're all winners in my book (wait, am I still drunk from last night?).
    As we mentioned in a previous NFL post we tend to theorize with the best of 'em, but when it comes time for the money to go down we have trouble sticking to our guns and silencing the outside noise. Case in point is last week where we analyzed the living Hell out of an overrated Kansas State team, bt then did not select Oklahoma because of public concern over their mental state following the Texas Tech loss. Similarly, we've been touting Tulsa for weeks (and threw a "lean" out on them last week), but after narrowly missing a play on them over UAB in a game they thoroughly dominated we jumped ship before they covered 3 straight (vs. Rice, SMU, UCF) against the spread instead deciding to hedge our bets with a Totals play in their game last week that, as a colleague recently told me of his marriage, was "not pretty guy."
    So in the future if you see some excellent analysis not followed up by a selection on said squad feel free to recall the "do as he says, not as he does" mantra and go your own way. And as for not wearing a seatbelt just think next time you see an accident resulting in a car fire...who's safer now, huh!

Hopefully this eases the pain of that Arizona loser last week...

--The Mid-American Conference West Division Title was all but wrapped up this week in a style befitting such a prestigious pigskin pursuit...on a Tuesday night, deep in the Rust Belt, before a handful of freezing fans in a tiny stadium that forced ESPN camera positioning so odd that the whole contest appeared as if it was being conducted inside The Riddler's lair on an episode of the old Batman TV series. Northern Illinois was the victor over Toledo by a score, 63-60, that left my head spinning worse than the first time I heard "Hocus Pocus" by Focus and could only think...Is this Dutch?...oh it was...well that clears that up.
    But I only bring this up because the victory almost certainly sets into motion the "Jinx of Northern Illinois" which I proudly uncovered in one of this sites first posts 'lo those many years ago. You see the Huskies have  been to six bowls in their history and three are now dead including the California Raisin Bowl, the International Bowl and the Silicon Valley Bowl in which their matchup vs. tiny Troy of the Sun Belt in San Jose, California drew less fans than Casey Anthony did Trick-or-Treaters. Now word comes that Northern Illinois' last bowl stop, the 2010 Humanitarian Bowl, has tried to deny the postseason Reaper by changing it's name to the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl. So look out Beef 'O' Brady Restaurants, Carrier Air Conditioners, San Diego Credit Union, something called AdvoCare, Franklin American Mortgage and Hyundai Motors because Northern Illinois will be bowling again this year...and with conference tie-ins strangling your choices they may just be gunning for you.
    And yes those are all names of 2011 Bowl games...what a classy time to be alive!

--To me the difference has always been negligible between wagering on the Kentucky Derby or a $2500 claimer at Freehold Raceway (open 3 days a week on the circle at Route 9 in lovely Freehold, N.J.). In fact most times I'd just rather watch the big event and wager on the inconsequential affair since the excitement of the former can stand on it's own, but the latter needs a little something in the way of rooting interest to enhance the ambiance of standing between two drunks and an old guy in a scooter watching something less than bastions of the equine form try to outrun the Elmer's truck. Nonetheless as the fringiest of fringe pundits I guess even I'm obliged at this point to offer an opinion on today's big matchup, Alabama-LSU.
    Early in the week my first blush was to support the senior QBed Tigers who have wins over a similiar slate of SEC teams plus non-conference triumphs over the ranked duo of Oregon and West Virginia. However, further study has revealed that while Tide QB A.J. McCarron is only a sophmore he has acquitted himself at least equally as well as his more veteran counterpart Jarrett Lee statically speaking. In addition Bama has faced two solid early season challenges in Penn State on the road and Arkansas at home and came away with dominant wins in both. And while the Mountaineers and Ducks are seemingly bigger obstacles than the Nittany Lions and Razorbacks the fact is that LSU was dominated on the stat sheet in their efforts, even allowing 533 yards to West Virginia, and only shook off the pair in the second half due to a huge turnover advantage, something Nick Saban coached Tide teams tend to avoid.
    Presently the line is at Alabama -5. They are home, but that still appears to be a lot for #2 to lay to a dominant #1. We've talked about traps the last two weeks. Of how decent teams like Washington and Kansas State getting big points seemed too good to be true only to see them get crushed SU and ATS. This doesn't seem quite as egregious still with the number easily up over a FG and approaching two FGs in some places it could find the squares coming down on the side of the Tigers. So our tepid opinion would be to Roll with the Tide, but our official play(s) will be below and we may just take a flier on Louisiana-Lafayette if their being televised today. Either way enjoy tonight's showdown.

I agree...LSU, my ass!

--The New York raised, Italian-American comedian Dom Irrea used to say that his relatives were the foremost proponents of the "qualifying statement". A phrase that supposedly precluded you from taking any offense with what they were about to say, as in "Don't take this the wrong way...but you're sister is a whore...whoa, whoa I told you not to take it the wrong way."
    Similiarly when word got out almost two weeks ago that Georgia's top 3 RBs, Isahiah Crowell, Carlton Thomas and Ken Malcome, had failed drug tests HC Mark Richt and the Bulldog Athletic Director Greg McGarity fell back on their own qualifying statement, "Ongoing Investigation".
    Apparently that "investigation" was being conducted right up and through Georgia's big SEC East showdown with Florida, thereby leaving the THC Trio eligible, and was miraculously concluded first thing Monday morning thus causing the players to be suspended for this week's game versus...New Mexico State.
    Ah Richt and McGarity. They're like the Rizzoli & Isles of the NCAA and New Mexico State the equivalent of 5 minutes to go before the top of the hour. It's amazing how everything winds up in such a timely manner.

I've been performing my own "backdoor" investigation into the Georgia program...so to speak.

--Picks and I'm through. Since we've been faring much better on the pros we'll make one selection and go with our analysis. That is the idea that teams that have their heart ripped out in last second losses have trouble going on the road and finding the energy to play at their usual level. See Wisconsin at Ohio State last week after the bitter Hail Mary loss to Michigan State the week before. Under the radar Duke got reamed by a similiar late game long pass vs. in-state rival Wake Forest two weeks back. They managed to hang with Virginia Tech at home last week, but now travel to a rejuvenated Miami (FL). We'll take the 'Canes -15.5 and wait for a strong pro play or two tomorrow. Beer me!

Other weekly football cynicism can be found in the titles along the right. Also see "Something In The Way She Says Gamecocks" for Erin Andrews, Sara Walsh and the Babes of ESPN. Plus old school wrestling fun at the "Crimson Mask" and "Seminal Sluts" titles. Or just bounce around like Bluto sain Animal House, "don't cost nuthin'"