Seattle Seahawks

GENERAL: Let's be honest here, the Seahawks have about as much business in the playoffs as I do in the cast of Gossip Girl. Unfortunately, though, this year's NFC West was the worst division in the history of the league, so like Mr. Ethiopia, an Eskimo Beauty Pagaent or the French Medal of Honor somebody had to win it. That team was Seattle which dragged across the finish line like Kramer at the Aids Walk going 3-7 in their last 10 with the wins coming against the "Murder-ed Row" of 5-11 Arizona, 2-14 Carolina and St. Louis in the "play-in" finale. And that's exactly what that contest resembled- the tortured, forced play-in games that we dutifully ignore every March with the Rams playing Nicholls State to the Seahawks 
IUPU-something or other. But now it's time to take on the Duke's and UCONN's of this world so like David Arquette and John Mellencamp's marriages it's just a matter of time...

but hey it was damn sure worth the ride!
OFFENSE: The breath of hope for bad teams that reach this point is the 2008 run of the Arizona Cardinals that ended just short of winning the big Golden Football. Sadly for fans in the Great Northwest the Cards were blessed with future Hall of Famer Kurt Warner throwing to future HOF-er Larry Fitzgerald while the Seabirds have- Charlie Whitehurst. Of course Whitehurst might not play if Matt Hasselbeck, who has a hip so fragile AARP won't insure it, is able to suit up. Still, Clemson Charlie was brought here to be the QB of the future, but unlike Timbuk 3 it appears Seattle fans don't have to wear shades. You see Whitehurst is just bad. Maybe not Sofia Coppola in The Godfather III bad, but more like Keanu Reeves in...well...anything bad. In other words he looks like a QB in terms of size and arm strength, but he plays like...well...Keanu Reeves in The Replacements. That's probably why most pure football fans were rooting for the Rams Sunday night. They seem like a team on the ascendancy while this crew looks like a mess. Their three best players-Hasselbeck, Mike Williams,Okung- are dinged, Marshawn Lynch is painfully slow and their best receiver at this point is the former Prime Minister of Ghana Ben Obomanu. Not exactly a recipe for keeping up with Drew Brees and the defending SB Champs. So like the maternity ward doctor told Sandra Bernhard's parents, "it looks like this one is gonna get ugly."
 
DEFENSE: When former longtime NFL defensive guru Pete Carroll bolted USC amidst the biggest scandal this side of whatever Sugar Bowl memorabilia Terrelle Pryor posted on E-Bay in the last two days the thought was at least the defense will improve. It didn't. The 'Hawks ranked between 21 and 28 in every pertinent defensive category including getting piledriven for 545 yards by the Raiders which is the NHL equivalent of giving up 3 goals to the NJ Devils. They have no Pro Bowlers on either side of the ball, their kick coverage units are suspect, but hey, Olindo Mare had a nice year so they've got that going for 'em. And now in the name of Carpel Tunnel Prevention I will not waste another keystroke on the football equivalent of the Democratic Senate- from Seahawks to Lame Ducks.
Perhaps I was a little rough on Charlie Whitehurst...