Penny For Your Thoughts, Dollar For Your Death

    So as I sit here listening to my self-proclaimed Hurricane Irene theme song-a Japanese cover of "Come On Eileen" I found on You Tube (give it a second...and there it is)-I decided to put down some random baseball thoughts so that we at least have one post registered in the month of August. I'm nothing if not un-prolific...

1. A.J. Burnett- And somewhere Ed Whitson chuckles...I haven't seen a spanking like his Friday night start this side of J.Lo's honeymoon video. Allen James was lit up for 6 runs and multiple homers in the 2nd, but after fueding with Joe Girardi over being pulled in his previous start was left out there to "take one for the team" like a 21st Century Rudy Stein. Nine runs and 118 pitches later youngsters watching had a vivid example of the lesson "be careful what you ask for" which I also believe is the new motto for Taco Bell as well. In his last 5 starts Burnett has allowed 30 earned runs in 22.2 IP, a starting pitcher beatdown the likes of which hasn't been seen since Chuck Finley divorced Tawny Kitaen. At this point the odds of A.J. making the post season roster are about the same as Kim Kardashian getting off with a standard-size vibrator. Good luck Brian Cashman in trying to dump what would be the greatest waste of talent in the majors if not for...

2. B.J. Upton- Normally it takes the combined efforts of Jerry Glanville, Dan Henning and Paul Hackett to waste this much talent, but so far "Beej" is doing his best to become baseball's version of Jeff George. Now I'm a big fan of manager Joe Maddon and what the entire Tampa Bay organization has done against astronomical odds, but not taking Upton to task over his approach to the game is borderline criminal. With reasonable power and so much speed you can actually hear The Benny Hill theme in the background B.J. should be making contact, pounding the alleys and gathering up extra base hits and infield singles like Rick Perry does the homophobe vote. Yet miraculously he did not hit his first triple until two weeks after the All-Star Break and has totaled a whopping 3 on the year, a number matched or surpassed by former Twin Kent Hrbek, a player so slow he inspired the backhanded term "Web Gem-ed", on three separate occasions. Upton's looping, John Daly-esque swing and Michael Jackson foot swivel at the plate are almost painful to watch as he flails away Rob Deer-like instead putting the ball in play on a consistent basis. Still the Rays have been reluctant to tamper with their under-achieving talent and recently waived him only to get one claim and a tepid trade offer in return...sad.

3. And speaking of sad...and stupid....Lenny Dykstra. We chronicled this debacle here http://bowltilithurts.blogspot.com/2011/05/dumbest-guy-in-room.html and now word is out that the Nails-man faces numerous charges of indecent exposure which could lead to hard time in a place where they have a very different meaning for the term "backdoor slider". For more on athletes exposing themselves check out the strangely entertaining memoir, When All The Joy Turned To Sorrow, by former Cowboy and Ram wide receiver Lance Rentzel who lost his career and marriage to Las Vegas headliner Joey Heatherton over a predilection to "brandish the bishop" to pre-teen girls in the 1970's. Thank God Twitter came along and got all this off the street and on to a unmonitored, world-wide media source where it belongs.

And this girl is back by popular demand and, as George Mallory said of another set of mountains-"because they're there..."

 Yankees, Red Sox, blah, blah, blah...I think we're all ready for some football.

The Bad, The Bald and The Not-So-Beautiful

See all our Wrestling posts under the "Crimson Mask" and "Seminal Sluts" titles, as well as, "Strapping a Stranglehold on the Bald-Headed Champ"...and for Women of ESPN fun go to "Something in the Way She Says Gamecocks". Thanks for taking the waters here!

    In our ongoing debate over the merits of old school wrestling versus those of today's game let me just say...Breyer's Ice Cream sucks!

    OK so a lot of things suck from Grape Nuts cereal to Original Flavor Listerine to anything featuring Carson Daly, but what makes Breyer's extremely annoying is that the very reason it sucks is what they use to promote it..."It's All Natural".

    Alright first let's dismiss the obvious. Most of the crap other companies put in their ice cream commonly falls under the term "Preservatives". So, one must ask, why would they bother to put these in if there was no reason to? You'd just be ruining a good thing. Kinda like the addition of Oliver to The Brady Bunch...and we all know how well that worked out. No, other companies add these things to keep their product from getting sticky, gritty and icy which Breyer's begins doing virtually on opening.

    Now don't get me wrong Breyer's knows how to make ice cream and if you could drive to the plant and pick it up fresh upon completion I'm sure it would be wonderful. But you can't. In fact by the time it reaches the average consumer it's sat on warehouse docks, been loaded and unloaded, frozen and re-frozen until it has taken on the John Facenda tundra-like consistency of the turf at Lambeau Field.

    A similiar conundrum faced the cookie industry when those blood-sucking elves at Keebler came out with the original "soft batch" cookie-an 80's fad that along with Pop Rocks, Pac Man and the Police Academy series has kept wise cracking stand-up comedians, D-List celebrities and Tonya Harding gainfully employed on VH1's I Love The... brand for the better part of this millenium. And I'm sure when other commercial baking conglomerates met to discuss how to combat this new challenge some straight out of business school upstart suggested, "let's bake 'em fresh each day and employ a fleet of trucks to whisk them to stores while they're still hot" only to be relegated to the mailroom while someone contacted Dupont about developing a softening agent to inject directly into the batter until the only thing left after nuclear war would be cockroaches gorging themselves on gooey chocolate chips that looked like they just came out of Mom's oven.

    So what does this have to do with the old school vs. new school wrestling debate? To be honest I'm not really sure at this point, but I guess the answer lies in the fact that the old ways are not always the best and yielding to some new ideas is not always bad. As I've said about my drinking it's not a "problem" it's a dosage issue. An ongoing balancing act that needs to be carefully monitored like those college days when we "experimented" with drugs in our lab coats while recording data on clipboards...or at least that's how I remember it. The discontinuation of squash matches-Good; endless vignettes portraying "backstage politics"-Bad, and so on. If only Breyer's or I had learned that lesson earlier my garbage can would not be full of a half eaten quart of Vanilla Fudge and I'd be $3.50 richer, but that's neither here nor there. So on to the profiles before I start in on the effort/reward ratio in eating Sunflower Seeds or why someone keeps jamming Cranberries and Pomegranates into everything these days. Here ya go...

1. Roddy Piper- At age 22 author Carson McCullers began work on The Heart is a Lonely Hunter a universally acclaimed work of prose that elegantly addresses such issues as racism, depression, alcoholism and the plight of the handicapped with subtlety and nuance. At the same age I taught myself to roll a quarter from the bridge of my nose onto a formica tabletop and into a colored, plastic party cup with a stunning 98% accuracy rate. So, it seems, we all have a bit of the savant in us, it's just the way it expresses itself that differs.

    For Roderick George Toombs the muse was to be found in Wrestling's Squared Circle where he made his professional debut at the Joe Nuxhall-ian age of 15. Though the Rowdy one lost that match in 10 seconds he had found his calling and by 19 he was jobbing in promotions from the Canadian Maritimes to Dallas, Texas, gaining experience and looking for his first big break. This came in California where he worked for Gene LeBell's Los Angeles promotion which was syndicated nationally on many Spanish speaking UHF channels.

    In the wrestling starved, pre-cable days picking this up was a rare treat. Filmed at the famed Olympic Auditorium before a handful of portly, mustachioed Mexicans sitting in molded plastic stands and drinking out of paper bag covered bottles Lucha Libre Sabado featured a never ending supply of interchangeable Guerreros (Chavo, Sr., Mando, Hector, Gory et. al.) taking on a stable of cheap heels that looked like they were imported out of an Abbott and Costello movie (The Mummy, The Wolfman, Tarzan) while a speed-addicted announcer screamed in rapid-fire Spanish only slowing down every 30 seconds or so to scream "Andre-a The Giant", a wrestler who in my many years of watching never actually appeared.

    For his part Toombs developed the Rowdy Roddy Piper persona complete with kilt and bagpipes on which he played "La Cucaracha" while the Guerreros wrestled much to the chagrin of the well-liquored crowd. In addition, Piper perpetually lugged around a 4 foot tall trophy that I only recently discovered represented the "Scientific Championship" and as inevitably as Death,Taxes and Casey Anthony not becoming spokesperson for "Babies R Us" wound up connecting with the back of a Guerrero skull in the latter stages of each hour long episode.

    With his heel act solidified Piper began a slow ascent to the big leagues of pro wrestling that culminated in his 1982 run on Georgia Championship Wrestling which was airing nationwide on the original SuperStation TBS. With a repertoire of moves about as diverse as a Soft Cell playlist (Tainted Love, Tainted Love Dance Mix, Tainted Love Reprise...) Piper was put mostly in a color commentary position where he turned from heel to fan favorite by saving legendary announcer Gordon Solie from an attack by Don Muraco. After returning from a commercial break Piper announced, "Gordon Solie, not being the most athletic of men, has been taken to the hospital", and proceeded to dominate the remainder of the show with pithy commentary, one-sided interviews and a humor and attitude that would pave the way for the likes of Jesse Ventura/Bobby Heenan and a new era in wrestling announcing.

    After battling Greg "The Hammer" Valentine in a classic Dog Collar match in which Piper busted his ear drum and lost 50% of his hearing on one side it was off to the quickly growing WWF in 1984. Initially Piper served as manager for such imported Mid-Atlantic stars as Paul Orndorff and Buzz Sawyer before Vince McMahon bestowed on him the first wrestler-run interview segment in the game-Piper's Pit.

   And before Donahue, Sally Jesse Raphael and Richard Bey started baiting backwoods Militias and Neo-Nazis or Jerry and Maury began their own Trailer Park/Ghetto Paternity Clinics Piper was perfecting the art of the attack interview. From jobber Frankie Williams (Williams: I no run from nobody; Piper: Yeah, yeah you got no room for nobody, so what) to Cyndi Lauper and Mr. T Piper belittled everyone equally until he took it to a new level with Superfly Jimmy Snuka.

    By now everyone has seen the video of Snuka coming onto the set in his flowered, Pacific Islands skirt and bamboo headpiece that looked like it was last worn by Bob Denver in the "Totem Pole" episode of Gilligan's Island (and a Poolu See Begumba to reader Dave Asman for that) only to be cold-cocked by a coconut and beaten bloody by Piper and his bodyguard Bob "Ace" Orton. With this Piper was instantly catapulted to main event status headlining the MTV "Brawl for It All" special and Wrestlemania I against Hulk Hogan and Mr. T.

    Unfortunately looking pumped and tan is easy. Comedy is hard. So while the forgettable likes of Brutus Beefcake and Dino Bravo forged on Piper realized it was time to consolidate his celebrity and cross over to movies in 1986. There he received surprisingly positive reviews for his work in such Sci-Fi/Horror films as Hell Comes To Frogtown and They Live, but he was destined to be typecast in the "badass on a mission" role that was already filled by the Stallones, Schwarzeneggars, Segalls and Van Dammes (Jean-Claude not Rob) of the world.

    Sadly by the time he returned to the WWF in 1989 he'd hit the comedy wall harder than Dan Ackroyd in Doctor Detroit. His Wrestlemania V Piper's Pit with toothy talker Morton Downey, Jr. was about as hard to watch as those cleft palate charity infomercials that seem to be on every third channel from midnight to 3 A.M. and the rest of his work could never quite live up to the heady days of the early '80's.

    Since then Piper has bounced between wrestling and guest spots on TV Shows ranging from Walker, Texas Ranger to It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. He has his own website, but it's pretty much dedicated to promoting the careers of his two children and selling the occasional souvenir with "HOT ROD" emblazoned on it. Suffering from years of pounding in the ring and the effects of a battle with Hodgkin's Lymphoma Piper may be doing more "gum chewing" and less "ass kicking" these days to paraphrase his character in They Live, but the sheer force of his character and personality changed the business forever.

2 Billy Jack Haynes- BJH's RF Video "shoot" interview DVD is entitled Conspiracy Theory, and I'm down with that. In fact I've always believed that twelve Jewish bankers meeting in Switzerland plotted the alien abduction of Bigfoot in order to keep him from testifying before the Warren Commission about Elvis Presley's involvement in paying off Jim Morrison to kill JFK...or at least that's what Steve Carlton told me...but that notwithstanding Billy Jack Haynes is NUTS...or at least a little angry.

    Considering my own level of disillusionment is high enough to make Holden Caulfield look like Tony Robbins I really shouldn't be too hard on Haynes. In a career as demanding and fleeting as that of a pro wrestler there's plenty to be bitter about and Haynes seems to touch on it all in Conspiracy Theory. From steriods to health insurance, from WCW to the Benoit tragedy Billy J. attacks it all in a 3-hour one man show (no questions are asked or interviewer is present) that had even the Ultimate Warrior sleeping with a light on.

    And I guess Haynes does have a few axes to grind. A seemingly decent guy trapped in a seedy business BJ once married British WCCW valet Jeannie Clark to help her avoid deportation and tried to stand up against the powers that be getting in heated exchanges with promoters David Crockett and Vince McMahon, Jr. over perceived injustices. But as Rupert Murdoch can attest principles and business success don't necessarily mix so Haynes became your prodigal journeyman engaging in brief programs in various promotions before wearing out his welcome with management.

    And similiarly Billy's post-wrestling career has been a series of highs and lows culminating in his near fatal beating at the hands of drug dealers in 2006. Today, however, he's put that incident behind him, is married for the third time and opened a restaurant outside of Portland, Oregon. He also had his first child, a daughter, at the age of 56 which for most wrestlers of his era would mean when she graduates High School he'd be...let's see...carry the 2...ah, dead. But hopefully that's where Billy Jack's abbreviated career comes in handy. So here's wishing many happy healthy years to this Angry Young Man of the Mat and just remember...just 'cause you're paranoid, doesn't mean they're not after you!

Billy Jack Haynes and Roddy Piper either promoting a feud or one Money Shot away from a Gay Porno...I'm not really sure?

3. King Kong Bundy (Chris Pallies)- Let me first state that in my ranking of favorite Bundys King Kong comes in a strong second...behind Al, but ahead of McGeorge and Ted.

    At somewhere in the 450 pound range Bundy was described by the late Gorilla Monsoon as a "condominium with legs", but with his bald head, peach fuzzed baby face and completely hairless body I saw him more as a gigantic Baby New Year. And I've viewed the fact that Bundy never took part in a late December PPV "Loser Wears A Diaper And Top Hat" match as a Portland Trail Blazers "we'll take Sam Bowie" type of missed opportunity.

    Trained at Larry Sharpe's famed Monster Factory Bundy hit the big time as overall wearing, good ol' boy "Big Daddy" Bundy in World Class before falling under the tutelage of Gary Hart where he shaved his head, donned the singlet and morphed into King Kong Bundy. From there he had a strong bad guy run, did the job in Fritz Von Erich's 1982 Retirement Match at the Cotton Bowl and ultimately moved on to Memphis with his killer heel rep beginning to grow.

    In Memphis he developed the "5 Count" gimmick which when used in squash matches seemed as superfluous as paying to learn Chinese when as soon as they foreclose on our debt they'll be teaching it for free in the "Re-education Camps". Nonetheless it set him apart from the crowd and reinforced his heel status.

    Bundy's crowning achievement came when he headlined Wrestlemania II as Hulk Hogan's opponent in a steel cage match. To provide authenticity to the battle of big men Bundy was asked to bleed. Unfortunately as a Monster Heel throughout his career Bundy was usually the one supposedly causing opponents to bleed rather than producing the "juice" himself. Thus in an era when most guys had enough scar tissue on their foreheads to blade with a sharp Cheddar Bundy's basically pristine forehead delivered less blood than Abdullah the Butcher gets when testing his diabetic sugar level.

    As with most heels who were cycled through the territory to do the job for the ultra-popular Hogan at this time Bundy lost heat faster than victims of the Titanic. He was then put in a program with the infamous Uncle Elmer that featured matches so slow if they had raced a pregnant woman they'd have finished third.

    Tossed aside by McMahon Bundy bounced around the Northeast Independent circuit in the 90's feuding with the past-their-prime likes of Snuka, Hacksaw Duggan and Doink the Clown. He tried his hand at both acting and standup comedy, but Will Sasso was gobbling up all the bald, fat guy sitcom roles and John Pinnette had staked claim to the "you been here 4 hour" all-you-can-eat Chinese Buffett routine so the spotlight slowly faded on the "Kongster". Today you can check him out along with the last remnants of a once great society of social media at MySpace. All in all not a bad run for a hefty, hairless kid from Jersey.

That's two with pepperoni, two with mushroom, one extra cheese and you got burritos...No burritos? That pisses me off...alright hang on while I see what the other guys want...

4. The Great Kabuki- During my days as a substitute teacher I had to send a 7th grader to the nurse after he tried to eat a sleeve of 6 mini powdered donuts in one mouthful. When the Principal came down to investigate the incident I tried to diffuse the situation by explaining, "I don't know what happened...one minute he was working on his math, the next he was coughing up smoke like The Great Kabuki." Suffice it to say, like the request from Gloria to Felix Unger, I was asked to never return.

    Now if I ever do a "Managers" version of these profiles...and don't get your hopes up...Gary Hart would have to figure prominently as one of the most underrated minds the business has ever known. The mastermind behind much of the booking during WCCW's heyday Hart was also a genius of character development credited with creating the personas of such talent as "The Half-Breed Hearthrob" Gino Hernandez, One Man Gang, Gentleman Chris Adams, The Samoan Swat Team and The Great Kabuki.

     When Hart was initially told at a TV taping that Akihisa Takachiho was waiting in the lockerroom for him he wasn't sure if it was someone to manage or they'd ordered him takeout. After one look at the tongue-twistingly named, paunchy Japanese star Hart knew he needed a gimmick fast. He had Takachiho grow his hair out till it fell veil-like over his face and cake on mounds of cheap makeup until he looked like the bastard son of Tammy Faye Bakker and Slash from Guns & Roses. The storyline was that The Great Kabuki had been hideously disfigured during a "Death Match" in Japan. But the coup de grace was the strange green mist that Kabuki would blow before each match or into opponents eyes whenever the referee's back was turned.

    The overall effect made Kabuki the ultimate man of mystery in an era when many a low brow fan thought of Japanese wrestling in Homer Simpson-esque terms: "ooo, over there it's real!" Though he never ascended to World Title heights he was perpetually a contender for the many regional and TV titles of the day feuding with the likes of Jimmy Valiant, Scott Casey, Bruiser Brody and Terry Gordy. In between he shuttled off to Japan where he was a major star for Giant Baba's New Japan promotion.

    So captivating was his gimmick that as he began spending more time in his homeland young Japanese wrestler Keiji Mutoh was tabbed by U.S promoters to replace him taking on the name The Great Muta and being billed as Kabuki's son complete with requisite green mist. Other Far East grapplers like Kendo Nagasaki and Pat Tanaka also borrowed from Kabuki and soon the transformation from devious, Pearl Harbor Japanese like Mr. Fuji and Toru Tanaka to mysterious, Ninja-types was complete.

    And all this while working only one match (1994 Royal Rumble, eliminated by Lex Luger) for the powerful WWF. Truly a pioneer in the business Kabuki retired in 1998, but his legacy can still be seen in competitors from Tajiri to Kaz Hayashi...now I wonder if Roddy Piper ever washed the green mist off his hand from that interview in Georgia?

Wow, that took forever...who knew the bars open at 11 A.M. in the summer. Anyway we again welcome you to follow us on FaceBook or at "sprtcom102" on Twitter though from the limited response it seems as I once told the girl I was stalking, "you had me at Hell No!" However if you are surfing the net and are bored with Porn and Poker check out these sites of our friends and followers:

Jared's Sports Riff @ http://www.jaredsportsriff.com/ with a new post on the opening of NFL Training Camps.
Monica Smith's Intergrative Nutrition @ http://monica-smith.healthcoach.integrativenutrition.com/ ask about making Beer a "Primary Food Group"...she's surprisingly amenable.
Chris Knight @ http://www.chrisknight.net/ because this guy wails...true country...and no he didn't play Peter on The Brady Bunch.
As always your tolerance has been appreciated!

When Red Meant Green: Crimson Masks Round 2

See all our wrestling posts under the "Crimson Mask" or "Seminal Sluts" titles...

    The Six Flags:Great Adventure amusement park is not far from where I teach and every spring it seems to inspire at least one debate among students about what is the most dangerous/scariest ride at the park. The students invariably argue for the latest Hollywood-inspired, Superhero-themed, testicle tingling roller coaster to come down the pike, but on those rare moments when I find the energy to raise my head above The Daily News sports section I cast my vote for the Log Flume.

    Immediately the little snots scoff until I explain that the most recent Batman/Superman/Green Latern thrill ride, while higher, faster and twistier, is the brain child of a think tank of Ivy League engineers using computer generated models incorporating the latest magnetic and metallurgic technology to create a risk-free run. The Log Flume, on the other hand, is a 100 foot pile of cheap plywood and Sputnik-era fiberglass thrown together in the 1950's by surly, half-soused Eastern European Teamsters that sways in a stiff breeze like it was designed by the same team behind the Tacoma Narrows Bridge disaster. Fact is if anyone's gonna die it's on The Flume, baby, mark my words.

    But what kids today just can't comprehend is that the biggest thrills in life often come from what is unknown. Similiarly in our last wrestling post we indicated that today's brand of televised Pro Wrestling is far more exciting on a match to match basis than the days of yore, but the one thing it lacks is that sense of mystery.

    You see prior to the explosion of cable TV, You Tube and the 24/7 Wrestling Observer/Figure 4 Weekly/ Pro Wrestling Torch internet news cycle there were only two ways to keep abreast of the day's grappling greats. The first was to watch the stars of your regional territory on the local station's weekly TV taping that featured a parade of squash matches interspersed with interviews and the occasional black and white arena highlights shot from the floor on a shaky, hand-held camera like some kind of low-brow Zapruder film that made The Blair Witch Project look like Citizen Kane. And the second was the Wrestling Magazine, a pulp periodical filled with sensationalized, National Enquirer-style stories jammed between advertisements for Sea Monkeys and X-Ray Specs that left your hands covered in more cheap ink than Michael J. Fox replacing a toner cartridge.

    The only time the twain would meet was every 2-3 months when a new set of heels and a coupla of babyfaces cycled through your area with a new crop of styles, gimmicks and specialty matches that added a dash of spice just when things got stale. Sure there were no Sin Cara's or Rey Misterio's in the group, but what these guys lacked in aerial ability they made up for with the tease. And let's face it once you know that another "619" is always a click of the mouse or flick of the TiVO remote away you tend to get jaded. Kinda like the way Mr. Pibb tasted great at the Piggly Wiggly on those family vacations to Florida, but once you could get it at the local Wal-Mart it became just the bad Dr. Pepper ripoff it had always been.

    So in a followup to our semi-heralded "When The Men Were Men And The Masks Were Crimson" article here's another sampling of the heroes of yesterday who tempted us just enough that we'd fork over our allowances and suffer the Pen Pal sections and Charles Atlas Dynamic Tension ads just to see how the other half lived.

1. Kamala, The Ugandan Giant- Kamala's real name is James Harris, but when I googled "James + Kamala + Harris" the first page that came up was that of the current Attorney General of California...Kamala Harris. Considering this is a state that elected an Austrian Bodybuilder/B-Movie Actor as Governor I figured anything is possible. The thought of which blew my mind worse than the "Kool-Aid" I drank from that wine sack at a Hot Tuna concert in '92 or the time a friend bet I couldn't get the name of Tennessee Tuxedo's sidekick without looking it up and I spent an entire week showing History Channel videos in class too frazzled from racking my brain to formulate a lesson plan.

    But fear not Californians as your Kamala Harris is a woman. So should you commit a major felony in state you won't be confronted at the prosecution table by a 400 pound black man from Mississippi wielding a spear in one hand and slapping his crescent moon painted belly with the other-though that might be interesting just to see the look on the occasional Mob Boss' or embezzling Politician's face.

    No, our Kamala maintained a safe distance from Law School going straight from picking fruit in the orange groves of Florida in his late teens to training with the coconut-headed Bobo Brazil in the 70's. He spent his early career working in England as the Mississippi Mauler, but returned Stateside to try his luck in the Jerry Lawler/Jerry Jarrett run Memphis territory in 1978.

    There as Sugar Bear Harris he had a less than awe inspiring debut which led to Lawler describing him as, "unathletic and weak on the stick (microphone)" which is kinda like a football coach saying of his team, "we're small, but we're slow." Still size sells in wrestling and so instead of giving up on Harris Lawler and Jarrett decided he should adopt an African Savage gimmick.

    Jarrett came up with the name after reading about a Dr. Kimala in National Geographic, then Lawler had Harris shave his head, don a loin cloth and paint his face and body with various astrological symbols that look like they were copied directly out of Goodnight Moon prompting many a wrestling fan to ponder the question...Jerry Jarrett reads National Geographic?

    With a manager to handle interviews Harris as Kamala only had to grunt, slap his belly and look intimidating as he delivered a repertoire of punches, chops and stomps that could make The Great Khali look like the illegitimate love-child of Kurt Angle and Billy Robinson. Still this was good enough to make him a top heel in Memphis, Mid-South and WCCW before Vince McMahon came calling in 1984.

    In the fast booming, comic book character environment of the new WWF Kamala took off immediately. Flanked by various managers (Freddie Blassie, Skandor Akbar, Harvey Wimpleman, King Curtis)and "Handler" Kim Chee, played by Brooklyn Brawler Steve Lombardi dressed as a cross between Crocodile Dundee and Groucho Marx's Captain Spaulding, Kamala rose straight to the top of the bad guy pecking order headlining PPV's in feuds with Hulk Hogan, The Undertaker and Jake "The Snake" Roberts.

    Following the Roberts' feud Kamala moved on to the USWA where he held their version of the World Title 4 times beating Lawler, Koko B. Ware and "Hotstuff" Eddie Gilbert along the way. When the WWF opened a talent sharing program with USWA Kamala tried to generate another run under the McMahons, this time as a babyface, but at 42 and having showed his hand to the fans there once already the bloom was apparently off the big, fat rose in a manner of speaking.

    From there Kamala kicked around the Indies for a bit before settling down to get married and write music. In a refreshing surprise the latter does not fall into the Rap genre that so many athletes-wannabe-musicians seem to gravitate toward, but instead is a cross between old school country and Dixieland Jazz. You can see a video for his song "She's Gone For Good" at his website theugandagiantkamala.com where he also sells CDs, Jungle Skirts and child-proof spears at a nominal cost. Good luck, big man!

Kamala and Steve Lombardi...the African Explorer...

2. Magnum TA (Terry Allen)- Considering I've been known to fly into a profanity-filled tirade when the Zamboni driver misses a sliver of ice at a professional hockey game it's safe to say my tolerance for frustration is a tad bit lower than Magnum TA.

    You see in 1986, fresh off a historic victory over Tully Blanchard in the first ever "I Quit" match and with two US Heavyweight Title runs behind him, Terry Allen's sky rocketing career ended at a point that would've caused me to put my head in the oven faster than Sylvia Plath. For according to reliable sources TA was just months away from a program that would culminate in his winning the NWA World Title when he wrapped his Porsche around a telephone pole in Charlotte, N.C. and suffered injuries that would instantly end his in-ring career. Even worse reports indicate that Allen was not speeding or under the influence, but simply hydroplaned on a wet patch causing him to lose control of the vehicle.

    Given the nickname Magnum TA by Andre The Giant, who thought he resembled Magnum P.I. star Tom Selleck, Terry Allen was a 1980's Trailer Park Hearthrob on par with Eddie Rabbitt and the guy who sang lead for the band Alabama. With a 70's porn star moustache and a mullett so outrageous it could best be described as "bible class in the front/Lollapalooza in the back" TA took the Atlanta-based Crockett Promotion by storm during a Goldberg-like run in the early 80's complete with a documented TV winning streak that featured victories in as little as 10-, 5- and even 3-seconds.

    He won his first US Title in 1985 beating Wahoo McDaniels and immediately began feuding with Blanchard and his valet Baby Doll. On the way to their groundbreaking match at The Great American Bash Allen was given a title shot against NWA Champ Ric Flair in which he acquitted himself well enough to be considered for the belt down the line.

    Unfortunately things moved slowly in those days and Allen would spend nearly a year battling Ivan and then Nikita Koloff before plans got under way for his title march. Before that, of course, Porsche met pole and though he made a miraculous recovery just to be able to walk again he would never work another match. He briefly tried his hand at announcing, but after all the trauma flecks of gray had him looking more like Sam Elliott than Tom Selleck and his heart wasn't in it anyway.

    Today Magnum lives in his home state of Virginia where he runs a small hedge fund and owns several telecommunications towers. The 'stash is now gone and his trademark mullett while still long in the back has receded up front to the point that he's tiptoeing along the less than flattering "Ben Franklin Line". Nonetheless he is happily married to, of all people, Tully Blanchard's ex-wife and raising 6 kids like a heterosexual Robert Reed. So here's all the best to a man who is a shining testament to human will.

Magnum TA in all his Mullett-y goodness

3. "Outlaw" Ron Bass- The "Rules of the Cartoon Kingdom" are pretty straight forward. Somes examples include all humans shall have 4 fingers/toes per hand/foot no more, no less; all owls must wear Graduation caps; any character sneaking up on another shall be accompanied by the plucking of violin strings; and, of course, facial hair = bad/clean shaven = good.

    With a few exceptions Pro Wrestling throughout its history has adhered to this latter dictum and "Outlaw" Ron Bass, for one, took this maxim to heart. Throughout his well-traveled career the black-hatted Bass kept his well waxed handlebar moustache ever at the ready just an "I'm about to tie a damsel to the railroad tracks" twist away from defining his heel persona for even the slowest witted of wrestling fans.

    And just like his facial hair and Cowboy hat Bass was a no-nonsense type in whatever region he was working. A mid- to upper-card professional bad guy who knew his role and performed it well. Sorta the Matt Stairs of the Squared Circle.

    Outside of a few tag title runs with partner Black Bart the Outlaw's most famous run was a WWF feud with Brutus Beefcake kicked off by Bass "juicing" Beefcake with his spurs during a TV taping-an extremely rare occurence at that time. That Bass was then able to carry the then green as grass Bruti all the way through to a PPV level Hair vs. Hair grudge match is enough to make the back breaking efforts of Paul Simon and Darryl Hall practically pale in comparison.

    Perhaps the big Outlaw's best move, however, was knowing when to walk away. He stepped aside in 1991 before mounting injuries could get the best of him, moved to Florida, played golf and finished up his B.A. at Arkansas State University. These days he shows up at the occasional Reunion or Independent show and is nice enough to "friend" even the snarkiest of Sports Entertainment bloggers on his FaceBook page-a true professional through and through.

The Outlaw "dragging" Brutus Beefcake through another quality match.

4. Superstar Billy Graham (Wayne Coleman)- I've always maintained that among the several women who have spent the night at one of my humble abodes I've never heard a complaint in bed. Of course, it's hard to hear from the top bunk...but I think my point is clear.

    And that point is that in matters of the ego it's easy to fool oneself into believing things are better than they may appear. Case in point was the website of Superstar Graham (now apparently defunct) which seemed to credit Graham with being the inspiration for every wrestling persona from Hulk Hogan to The Rock to the Gobbeldygooker and then some.

    Now don't get me wrong Mr. Coleman was a fantastic performer whose physique and mic work were slightly ahead of their time, but in no way was he the Lewis and Clark of wrestling style the site credits him as being. Even the Superstar himself has admitted his sing-song, rhyming catchphrases borrowed a great deal from a young Cassius Clay/Muhammad Ali and his flamboyant ring wear and arrogant persona owe more than a passing nod to 1950's greats like Gorgeous George and "Nature Boy" Buddy Rogers.

    But in the wrestling biz personality and charisma puts asses in the seats and Graham had that in enough abundance to be tabbed by the McMahons as successor to aging WWF Champ Bruno Sammartino. No Stan Stasiak, he held the title for a Heel record 296 days in 1977-78 before dropping it to the up and coming Bob Backlund. During this period Graham is credited with having headlined 20 Madison Square Garden shows with 19 resulting in full houses for a then unprecedented 95% sell out rate.

    By the mid-80's years of pounding and steriod abuse had taken a toll on The Superstar. He retired in 1987 and began a series of hip surgeries that would reduce him to a shadow of his former self. Still at a time when Barry Bonds could still fit into a non-custom designed batting helmet Graham courageously went public with his steriod use and came out against the Pro Wrestling culture that fostered such abuse. Although such talk did not endear him to Vince McMahon, Jr. Graham was still elected to the WWE Hall of Fame in 2004.

    Alas, even this did not end well for the outspoken Coleman who fell out again with McMahon in '09 upon being fired from a WWE consultancy position. He subsequently sold his HOF ring on EBay and in 2011 demanded his name be removed from the index of Hall of Famers due to the inclusion of a "bloodthirsty animal like Abdullah the Butcher" in the latest induction class.

    Sadly Superstar, who received a liver transplant in 2004, was diagnosed with cirrhosis in March of 2011 and given a rather grim prognosis. He presently lives in Arizona with his wife Valerie and his 2006 autobiography, Tangled in the Ropes, has gotten generally positive reviews while selling respectably. He may not have been the original innovator of the self-aggrandizing, flamboyant, over-the-top wrestling persona, but he brought various elements together to create a memorable character and career that will never be forgotten.

Superstar Graham vs. Dusty Rhodes sometime before Doctors isolated the cause of the AIDS virus.

    I've got some stuff on Roddy Piper, I've got some stuff on Superfly Snuka and I've got a case of Molson Golden somebody gave me at a Graduation Party...guess who wins? I've also accumulated some detritus related to Buzz Sawyer, Billy Jack Haynes, Baron Von Raschke and the Master of the Green Mist The Great Kabuki so stay tuned. There's also a potential New York Yankee article in the works...we'll keep you posted. As always were on Facebook here I believe http://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/pages/Bowling-Til-It-Hurts/144323018970626  and on Twitter at "sprtcom102" because I believe I drunkenly passed out on the keyboard the night I opened that account and those are the characters that came out. Until next time I'll be lying on my bed hands folded thinking of ways to make all of you happier...Godspeed.

A Deckhand In The Symbionese Liberation Navy Of Life

     So Tyler Perry has 4 shows on TV and 3 movies in production, but Rog's wise-cracking sister Dee never got any work after What's Happening went off the air...I mean where's the justice there? But I digress...

    It's been over a week since we last posted and a lot has transpired so let's get caught up. Congress suffered a Weiner Interruptus, Hugh Hefner got left at the altar leaving one to wonder how an old guy like that will ever find another woman and the Greek National Debt topped $490 billion which is a lot of fries with gravy where I come from.

I think my arteries hardened just looking at this.

    But ultimately this is a sports blog so let's quickly look at the latest happenings there followed by the schedule for our next posting...

    First in hockey the Bruins won the Stanley Cup in 7 games leaving Vancouver goalie Roberto Luongo so distraught he tried to throw himself in front of a bus...but fortunately it went through the 5-Hole.

    The City of Vancouver was not so lucky, however, suffering two days of rioting in the aftermath of the loss. Now burning cars and ripping up parking meters seems a bit ridiculous, but I gotta admit I'm down with looting. Not that I condone it, but at least there's a socio-economic endgame there. Though I'm not sure the guy I saw on CNN bolting through a smashed supermarket window holding some Pepperidge Farm Goldfish and a Zagnut bar over his head was really "sending a message to The Man", but we all protest in our own way.

    Meanwhile in baseball the Florida Marlins announced the hiring of 80 year-old Jack McKeon as interim manager making him the most out of shape guy in stretch pants this side of the Loverboy Reunion Tour.
When your look goes from Sexy Rocker to Ukranian Peasant Woman it may be time to ditch the bandanna, guy.

     And finally NY Giant Super Bowl hero David Tyree came out against same sex marriage saying it is the "first step on the road to anarchy". If only Sacco and Vanzetti had known they could've just married each other and saved us an ugly chapter in American jurisprudence.

Bernardo Vanzetti (left) and Nicola Sacco (right). Looking at this picture maybe Sacco was wise to just go with robbing the shoe company payroll after all.

    Due to tepidly popular demand our next post will return us to the yesteryear of Wrestling once more with profiles of Kamala, Magnum TA, Superfly Snuka and more. We're on FaceBook, we're on Twitter, blah, blah, blah...It's time to get drunk and try to look down Giada's top on The Cooking Channel so good freakin' night!

Something In The Way She Says Gamecocks

    I'm a lot of things rolled into one-an aspiring alcoholic, a recalcitrant reprobate, a member of the Bull Moose party, a lesbian trapped in a man's body, but above all else, like Michael Keaton's Billy Blazejowski character in Night Shift, I'm an "Idea Man". And just like Billy Blaze's, "way to end the tunafish crisis-feed the fish mayonaise", I'm willing to push the envelope of conventional wisdom. From Double Stuff Twinkies (put the whipped cream nozzle into the "filling holes") to Fluff/Nutella swirl to shaving boxer's forearms to cut down on wind resistance I'm constantly being bombarded by fascinatingly fresh formulas for making this barmy blue ball a more perfect place.

    Unfortunately as I look around a studio apartment that could make Ratso Rizzo and Charlie Bucket's family feel like residents of The Breakers I realize that my intrepid inventiveness rarely translates into real world functionality, but for one exception: Hot Girls Doing Sports.

    Even as a teenager beer commercials had taught me two things-everything is colder/purer in the Rocky Mountains and attractive women push product, particularly to men. So why then I often mused (yes, I did a lot of musing back then) were we subjected weekly to the bland broadcasting banalities of white-haired washouts like Curt Gowdy and Jack Whitaker or soulless suits such as Dick Enberg or Don Criqui when it seemed certain that, say, Sandahl Bergman (Conan, The Barbarian) could, with a little training, gives us the same pap while at least looking good doing it.

     Beats the Hell outta Jim McKay. Though it's probably best she wasn't covering the Munich Olympic kidnappings.

    Problem was competition was sparse in those days before the dawn of cable and FOX Network. There were only 3 major stations and they monopolized the options so it didn't matter if you liked Nordic-style ski jumping or Hispanics in Speedos jumping off rocks in Brazil that's what ABC had on Wide World of Sports and you watched it on Saturday afternoons from January until the College Football opener or went antiquing with your wife.

    Then along came basic cable with its alphabet soup of sports channels and the playing field opened up considerably. Producers were suddenly more amenable to playing to their audiences baser instincts as the rise of Phyllis George, Jayne Kennedy and later Jill Arrington could attest. Yet even today we still haven't reached the point of bringing my vision, ESPNews: Bikini Edition, to fruition, but then again I don't get ESPN Desportes on my cable package so I can't say for sure.

    Until then here's a quick sampling of some of the women of ESPN ranked in order of atrractiveness and designed to illuminate and tittilate...because that's what I do:

7. Holly Rowe (CFB Sideline Reporter): As far as I'm concerned the saddest words in sports are not "Tinker to Evers to Chance", but rather "Let's go to Holly Rowe on the snowy Boise State sideline." The longest tenured sideline reporter at ESPN with a resume that goes back to 1997 Ms. Rowe is sadly what the sales people in the Young Men's Department at Gimbel's used to call me-Husky. And so while more comely Janey-come-latelys like Jenn Brown and Heather Cox get to flash some skin along the benches in locations like Miami, Los Angeles or Austin, Texas Holly is wrapped up like Ralphie Parker's brother in A Christmas Story trying to weather the elements in Boise, Madison, Wisconsin or some other outpost a stone's throw from the Canadian Border. And don't get us started on Erin Andrews...(more below)

Holly in her finest Lane Bryant winter wear.

6. Pam Ward (CFB Play-by-Play): The first time I saw those Mentos-Freshmaker commercials my foremost thought was, "Is this Swedish?" Similiarly the first time I heard Pam Ward doing play-by-play I thought, "Who is this man and why have they tapped into the college's student radio station feed?" Ward is low person on the CFB announcing totem pole, saddled with the Noon Mid-American Conference game on Fall Saturdays, and with good reason. The website Awfulannouncing.com has named their weekly "awards" The Pammies and the most positive critique I could find of her work was "sporadic, but competent" which is the same phrase I use to describe my sex life. Looks-wise Ward's about as good as her game-calling so it would appear there's plenty more Saturdays in Bowling Green and Akron in her immediate future.

5. Dana Jacobsen (First Take/ColdPizza): Finding out Cold Pizza (under it's re-packaged name First Take), ESPN's version of Good Morning America, is still on the air is like going to the supermarket and seeing "Gleem" in the toothpaste aisle or "Quisp" and "Quake" next to the Corn Flakes. Ms. Jacobsen's been with the show from the beginning in addition to doing some NBA stuff, but nothing really stands out about her on-air work. And similiar to Ward her appearance won't have her climbing the ladder with any alacrity either. A "healthy" midwestern type from Michigan Jacobsen's most defining feature is a prominent jaw that could make you believe that Reese Witherspoon and Jay Leno's daughter had a baby with Sgt. Slaughter. She's the kinda girl that catches your eye speeding by at 50 MPH, but leaves you gazing down to fumble with the radio when she looks your way at the stoplight. Still Ms. Jacobsen does get kudos for a vodka-influenced rant at the Mike Golic/Mike Greenberg Roast in Atlantic City  a while back where she turned to a table of South Bend-ers and announced, "F--- Notre Dame, F--- Charlie Weis and F--- Touchdown Jesus". See ya in Hell Dana!

Jacobsen doing her best Foster Brooks impression at the Mike & Mike Roast

4. Michelle Beadle (Sports Nation): The Algonquin wit Dorothy Parker once commented on the coeds of a particular Ivy League institution that, "If the women of Yale were laid end to end...I wouldn't be surprised." Perhaps the women of New Haven, Conneticut were a loose bunch, but down the road in Bristol things are generally quite the opposite. While the on-air women of ESPN, Dana Jacobsen's drunken escapades aside, seem to conduct themselves with a subdued professionalism, the male talent shows all the decorum of a Tailhook Convention. From Ron Franklin (sexual harrassment) to Tony Kornheiser (inappropriate comments) to Gary Miller (public urination) to Scott Van Pelt (drunken texting) to Steve Phillips (chubby chasing) to Harold Reynolds and more these guys could make the Howard Stern Morning Crew look like a meeting of the Promise Keepers. I only bring this up because Beadle is attractive, smart, funny and never married at 36, but if she thinks she's gonna find a suitable suitor among these debauched degenerates she's likely mistaken Or as single hottie and former figure skater Bonnie Bernstein said upon quitting ESPN in the early 2000's, "I wouldn't screw one of those clowns with Scott Hamilton's twat!" Good luck Ms. Beadle.

3. Sara Walsh (ESPNews): I'm the last guy who should be making fun of anyone's teeth. When I smile people ask if I'm British. My mantra regarding checkups is, "only if something's fizzing". And last time I went to the dentist they took two pictures of my mouth for display in the American Journal of Denistry-one closeup and one from farther back to verify it was a human head. But I'm sorry Sara Walsh has some big choppers. Still I like a nice overbite as much as the next guy particularly when it's attached to a blond, bronzed, tight package like this relative newcomer. The only caveat seems to be that Ms. Walsh gives the impression of being a Type-A personality. Her twitter page indicates she hoped to go pro in soccer following college, but after suffering multiple knee injuries settled on high profile sportscasting as a "backup plan". Something about this kind of foresight and goal oriented formulating just rubs me the wrygn...sorry spilled my beer on the keyboard...uh, oh yeah, rubs me the wrong way. But who knows beneath that quaffed, well manicured exterior and piano key smile there could be a Wild Child. Or then again she could be the type of overachiever who'll only have sex if she can combine it with learning a trade. Lord knows I'll never find out for all the carrots in the world.

A tooth fetishists fantasy...and a Google search yields 363,821 pages so apparently there are folks like that out there.

2. Wendy Nix (NFL Live, Baseball Tonight): Nix seems to have everything I want in a woman-blond hair, fair skin, pretty face, late 30's and recently divorced. Heck, if she's been slapped around a little by her ex all the better as it's that much easier for me to look like a Prince in comparison. Additionally, as a purveyor of the occasional adult cinematic offering I've noticed that Wendy seems to embody the classic sexually repressed look with her hair up in a high short ponytail and large, dark-rimmed glasses. The kind of look that is a ripped out hair scrunchy and sultry head swing from turning all animalistic as soon as the library closes and it's just her, the mustachioed copy machine guy and a funky background guitar lick among the stacked copies of Lolita and Tropic of Cancer. But perhaps I've over-played my hand...or my hand has over-played me, in a manner of speaking...at this point. Nonetheless it's good to see Ms. Nix getting some quality air time. Her NFL Live work is solid, her Baseball Tonight appearances save me from trying to picture Karl Ravetch without the hair weave and goodness knows the Playboy Channel charges on my cable bill have been reduced...so everybody wins!

Wendy Nix, who I like to think of as shy, demure and just a little bit vunerable...at least until the glasses come off.

1. Erin Andrews (Everywhere, All The Time): I'm just gonna come out and say it, "I don't like Erin Andrews!" Sure she's tall, sexy, pretty and has a body that could make a Bishop kick out a stained glass window, but I need more. Alright, I don't need more, Hell I couldn't even handle what she's already offering, but it's time for guys like me to take a stand against women like Erin Andrews. Statistics will tell you that on average women earn less than men, but if you could break it down I'm sure you'd find that women like Holly Rowe and Pam Ward earn a lot less than their male counterparts while Andrews for her qualifications earns a lot more. In other words fat girls and plain girls are dragging down the norm whether it's in sportscasting, journalism, office work or pole dancing. Now don't get me wrong from all outward appearances it seems Ms. Andrews is a hard worker just trying to get ahead, but when the public became outraged over her being peeped on in a hotel room it just made me wanna say, "get over it people". She was peeped on because she made her way to the top of ESPN's College Football programming due to her looks, she's a spokeswomen for various products due to her looks and she appeared on Dancing With The Stars, not because of her scintillating 20 second interviews with Urban Meyer on his way to the lockerroom at halftime, but again due to her looks. No one deserves to have their privacy invaded, just like no one deserves anything except on merit, but sadly it doesn't always work the way it should. Now off to meet Larry, Curly and Moe at The He-Man Women Haters Club.

Hey, I never said she wasn't smokin' hot, did I?

UPDATE: An incoherent Lenny Dykstra pleads Not Guilty to bankruptcy fraud charges. See our May post "The Dumbest Guy in the Room" for more on "Nails" and here's a link to the latest story  http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/news;_ylt=AqndaS5zlUK.5Pth6ANnYBYRvLYF?slug=ap-dykstra-charges Looks like even his buddy Charlie Sheen can't save him now...sad.

    If you're still with us at this point let me say...I apologize...it's almost over. Also don't forget we're on FaceBook and on Twitter at "sprtcom102". Have a good one and I'll get help...I promise.

Genius Is Grown Day-By-Day, Stupidity Arrives Fully Formed

    It's been a week since our last post so in catching up on the latest news we notice that the House Congressional Ethics Committee has announced a "Weiner Probe" which we can tell you from personal experience is not as much fun as it sounds. According to reports an unrepentant Congressman Weiner won't pull out, but if Republicans have their way it'll be "off with his head". Still give him credit, he's got balls.

   In sports news the media was all over Plaxico Burress upon his release from prison. Funny, Barney Fife never got that kinda publicity for shooting himself in the leg, but these are different times. And finally our "Seminal Sluts" series has finally borne fruit with 2011 WWE Hall of Famer Tammy "Sunny" Sytch now following us and exchanging messages on Twitter . Of course it could actually be a 50 year old, divorced plumber from Ohio, but I meet so few people in this line of work...

    I should also mention it's the most wonderful time of the year-the end of school. And at the High School level that also means the laborious chore of signing yearbooks for every pasty-faced, snot nosed, Cheeto eating bastard that passed through my educational transom. Several years ago after my 1000th insincere "Have a great summer" I decided to get "jiggy" with it, so to speak, so without further introduction and with a nod to that gawky, gap-toothed ,midwestern, semi-pedophile of late night TV here is my Top Ten Yearbook Signings for 2011:

10. Thanks for the night screams...

9. Yes, I'm on FaceBook, but I've "pre-ignored" you...

8. To my 52nd favorite student right after that girl with the lazy eye...

7. You found my address on the internet and you're coming to my house next Halloween? That reminds me, "get razorblades". OK, see ya in October...

6. I saw your Mom in The Guiness Book of World Records under "Longest case of Post-Partum Depression"...

5. You're our future? I wonder if they offer "Chinese as a Second Language" at the adult school...

4. You're the reason I sleep with a light on...

3. I haven't seen a more effiminate Jew in the closet since Anne Frank. Good luck in therapy...(RIP Greg Giraldo)

2. You're the reason God allowed Roe v. Wade...

...and the Number 1 Yearbook Signing for 2011...

1. What can I say, but...I hope you die, you fat pig...

    As for sports articles we hope to have a Women of ESPN column up by the end of the week.Now here's some completely needless, soft-core erotica...and, you know, I'm starting to re-think these Yearbook Signings, I mean at least until the tenure kicks in...
I've always been at the forefront of the push for School Uniforms...I mean these kids are under enough pressure dammit...

And don't forget we're on FaceBook at http://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/pages/Bowling-Til-It-Hurts/144323018970626

When The Men Were Men And The Masks Were Crimson

This is the first part of our profile of stars from the 70's and 80's. For Kamala, Magnum TA, Outlaw Ron Bass and Superstar Graham see our "When Red Meant Green" post from late June. Also our four part series on the Pioneering Divas of wrestling featuring Sunshine, Baby Doll, Missy Hyatt, Madusa, Misty Blue Simmes, Chyna, Sunny, Sable, Lita and more is under the "Seminal Sluts" titles (Parts 1-3) and "Strapping A Stranglehold On The Bald-Headed Champ" (Part 4). Thanks for dropping by...and for once I honestly mean that.   

    Some people can't help, but want to arrest their adolescence. We got an ugly taste of this recently when it was discovered that both aging ex-California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger and IMF Chief Dominique Strauss-Kline had taken enough runs at their hired help to make you believe if Mr. B turned his back for more than 30 seconds they'd have jumped Hazel like R. Kelly on a kindergartner.

    Then just last weekend 79 year-old Joseph Brooks, the writer/director/producer and Oscar Award winning songwriter of the movie/tune You Light Up My Life, comitted suicide rather than face multiple charges that he lured aspiring, young actresses to his Manhattan apartment for phony auditions only to assault them sexually. Reports indicated that Brooks took his life through use of a "Helium Bag", a procedure he learned from  mail-order books on methods of assisted suicide. Tomes whose very necessity begs the age old question-weren't there any tall buildings or speeding trains in his neighborhood?

    Even sadder are accounts that halfway through the attempt Mr. Brooks may have changed his mind, but his cries for help from inside the gas-filled bag were ignored by neighbors who mistook his pleas for children watching Alvin and The Chipmunks-The Squee-quel.

   So in other words you can't turn back time and when you try to things aren't always as good as you remember anyway. A case in point is pro wrestling. You Tube and other video sites are loaded with the matches and grappling stars of our youth, but like the myriad boyfriends of Renee Zellweger can attest what starts out attractive often gets less and less so the more time that goes by.

    Simply put wrestling in the '70's and early '80's wasn't better than today, it was just different. Weekly TV shows were nothing more than squash-filled  infomercials for main event house shows where the real money was made. And even there most of the moves were so bland (punches, stomps, armbars, headlocks) and the matches so predictable it was to today's pay-per-view extravaganzas what the "David Caruso Manual of Acting" is to a Lee Strasberg course.

    Still the characters from those days, their mannerisms, catch-phrases and actions remain with me as vividly as the golden memory of my induction into the "Mile High Club"-I soloed. So in the style of our mildly popular "Seminal Sluts" series here's some insolent insights into those heroes of yesteryear.

1. Chief Jay Strongbow- It's one of the ironies of my life as an American that Indians have always seemed to get the best of me. They've handed me my ass at their casinos, lacrosse balls seem intuitively attracted to my testicular region and I swear until 2009 I thought Atlanta Braves mascot Chief Nocahoma was a reference to some pre-Columbian tribal leader and not a bad pun/play on words.

    That notwithstanding Chief Jay Strongbow fooled me about as much as the extended warranty from Best Buy or the "can we see you for a second in the garage" radiator flush at Jiffy Lube. Wahoo McDaniel was a Native American (Choctaw-Chickasaw tribe), Tatanka was a Native American (Lakota tribe), but the closest Philadelphia's Joe Scarpa (real name) came to being an Indian was the two years his family lived in Cleveland when he was a teenager.

    Still there is nothing quite so suspended as the disbelief of the average wrestling fan and thus all it took in the late 1950's was a dark complection and a stilted, monotone for Italian-American Scarpa to become the least likely Tribesman this side of the Borscht Belt comedians who portrayed The Hekawis on F Troop.

    And by the late 60's/early 70's Chief Jay had established himself as a main event tag team competitor throughout the Northeast winning the WWWF belts on 4 seperate occasions with 3 different partners (Sonny King, Billy White Wolf and Jules Strongbow twice). Additionally, he so helped popularize the sleeper hold that he has been referenced along with the move in such diverse pop culture spheres as TV's Boston Legal and the Adam Sandler movie Big Daddy.

    Alas all was not always Belts and Buffalo for the Big Chief. His famous "War Dance" comeback is often invoked as the inspiration that inflicted Hulk Hogan's "Hulking Up" routine on us so there were some regrets. He also hung around a bit too long, returning to the then WWF after his 50th birthday. There, under the booking of Vince McMahon, Jr., he became the butt of running jokes. My last impression of him being standing forlornly in a parking lot as "Captain Redneck" Dick Murdoch and Adrian Adonis ran down his Teepee with a pickup truck on an episode of Tuesday Night Titans while Strongbow stood by with a tear in his eye like someone had just thrown a sack of White Castle garbage at his feet on the side of the highway.

    However, Chief Jay is still kicking today at age 83 and was inducted into the non-promotional Pro Wrestling Hall of Fame in Amsterdam, New York in 2009. He's no Rocky Balboa, but all in all not bad for an Italian immigrants' son from South Philly.

2. Mr. Wrestling II- In his prime Boston Red Sox great Ted Williams was tall, handsome, athletic and could hit a baseball like nobody's business hence the nickname "Teddy Ballgame". At age 37 pro wrestler Johnny "Rubberman" Walker was short, balding and going to fat so, without a second thought, the bumbling brains behind the business decided to hand him a mask and the moniker "Mr. Wrestling".

    Of course there was already a Mr. Wrestling I portrayed by the much more likely candidate Tim Woods, a strapping 6 foot, 230 pounder who twice was named an NCAA All-American wrestler at Michigan State. But even after surviving the perilous plane crash  that ended the career of legendary grappler Johnny Valentine and nearly beat the man before he even became the man by breaking the back of then rookie Ric Flair Woods was still magnanimous enough to share the Mr. W persona with Walker who he knew well from their then legendary Florida feud in 1970.

    For several months that year Woods as Mr. Wrestling and Walker, then working as The Grappler, toured the Seminole Circuit battling over the princely sum of $500. An amount so ridiculously low it reminds me of the old Unicef boxes or Sally Struthers late-night Beg-A-Thons that claimed a nickel a week could feed a family of 4 in some drought-stricken African nation for an entire year. To which I used to say,"tell you what, here's a quarter buy that condo you've been looking at"; or better yet get Sally to give up a couple meals and you'll all be driving Mercedes in no time.

    Throughout the mid-70's the pair worked together as a highly successful tag team before II began a main event singles run with Georgia Championship Wrestling. From 1973-80 he won the prestigious Georgia Heavyweight Title 10 times knocking off the likes of Nikolai Volkoff, Harley Race, Stan Hansen and Austin Idol with his patented "Million Dollar" Knee Lift a move so uninspiring it has gone the way of Travel Agents and African-American Third Baseman (where have you gone Charlie Hayes?) in today's Pro Wrestling game.

    Today Walker runs a wrestling school in Hawaii that develops talent for a Don Muraco-led promotion in the Pacific. And even at age 75 he could no doubt take down this wise-ass wrestling blogger faster than Keith Olbermann at a Tea Party Rally so I'll conclude by saying best of luck to a man who truly earned the title "Mr. Wrestling".
Jimmy Carter & Wrestling II-If only the President had handled OPEC this forcefully.

3. Ivan Putski- According to the Online World of Wrestling site Putski has to be the most popular wrestler ever to not win a singles title. Back in the mid-70's when Ivan came to the ring smiling ear-to-ear, carrying kids on his shoulder and speaking in broken English it was obvious he was a fan favorite with few peers. Nonetheless he was cast in a role that made him everything that Mickey Dolenz was not, that is a "stepping stone" for wrestlers on their way to title shots.

    During his time in the WWWF the stocky, barrel chested Polish Power put over a list of challengers to Bruno Sammartino's crown that included but was not limited to Stan Hansen, Bobby Duncum, Bruiser Brody, Superstar Graham and Baron Von Raschke. Until finally as the '80's approached he could apparently take it no more.

    He disappeared from TV for awhile, found a friendly HGH dealer and returned with a physique as shredded as pulled pork. Sadly though wrestling fans prefer their Polish wrestlers to be happy-go-lucky, kielbasa swinging, Bobby Vinton singing simpletons. Kinda like The Mighty Igor who was not the same guy for those still wondering.

    Perhaps the saddest part of this tale is that from my extensive, albeit mostly inebriated, research it appears Putski is one of the sweetest guys to ever grace the squared circle. He's still alive today and was last seen working as a security guard at a High School outside Dallas where students would be best advised to carry a Hall Pass lest they be Polish Hammer-ed on the way to the bathroom. Nas Darovia!

4. Stan "The Man" Stasiak- One of my favorite Far Side cartoons features the heading "Parts Unknown High School Reunion" and depicts various masked men standing around a punch bowl with one saying, "...after graduation I got into wrestling..."

    I guess I was always fascinated with how wrestlers in the era of the old style entrance (i.e.- no music, just name, weight, hometown) often tried to get across their gimmick with where they were supposedly from. My favorites included Cactus Jack from Truth or Consequences, New Mexico; Louis Cyr from the Wilds of the Yukon; The Hangman from Europe (they couldn't pin him down to a country even?); and Stan Stasiak from Buzzards Creek, Oregon.

    The self-proclaimed master of another move that has gone into the attics of the ring game, the Heart Punch, Stasiak was the William Henry Harrison of the WWWF winning the title from Pedro Morales then dropping it 9 days later to Bruno Sammartino. A transition guy not unlike Gerald Ford only Stasiak took less bumps.

    Additionally, he sported the nastiest pair of Mutton Chops this side of a Renaissance Fair and sired a second generation grappler in son Sean who had a run in the WWE as Meat under the management of the Pretty Mean Sisters (PMS, I know subtle), Terri Runnels and Ryan Shamrock. Sadly in one of the more ironic moments since they named the country's National Airport after Ronald Reagan, the man who fired en masse every air traffic controller, Stasiak died of heart failure. A champion and legit tough guy to the end.
Come to think of it I never actually saw Stan Stasiak and Chris Farley together...hmmm?!?


5. Jimmy Valiant- In the 1960's Jimmy Valiant was known as "The Handsome One" with matinee idol looks and a pristine Babyface persona. By the time I began watching wrestling in the mid-70's, though, it appeared he had swallowed ZZ Top and his next legal manuever would be his first. He was still a Babyface, but he had morphed from "Handsome" Jimmy into the Grizzly Adams meets Gene Gene The Dancing Machine "Boogie Woogie Man" who never met an eye he wouldn't rake or crotch he wouldn't low blow.

    It's said you know you've gotten old when kids stop laughing at you when you accidentally fall down and instead immediately call for an ambulance. And as we moved into the '80's I had Atlanta area EMTs on speed dial every time I watched Jimmy Valiant wrestle. With wild hair, long fingernails and chest-length beard the suddenly emaciated Boogie Woogie Man looked less like a threat in the ring and more like Howard Hughes sans the urine jars.

    Still manager Paul Jones threw every member of his "Army" short of Seal Team 6 at Valiant during this period, including Shaska Whately, The Barbarian, Warlord, Manny Fernandez, Teijo Khan and assorted Russians, but couldn't take the Boogie Man down.

    The most memorable moment, though, of this long-running feud had to be when "Raging Bull" Manny Fernandez turned on his former tag partner and joined Jones' Army. Georgia Championship Wrestling then ran a vignette where Valiant was seen sitting in an alley amidst empty beer cans playing the blues on a harmonica. Unsurprised to see a camera crew a teary-eyed Boogie looks into the lens
and asks his former friend to reconsider by imploring, "...but we were in 'Nam together, man!"

    Now I've been willing to overlook a lot of things in my time watching wrestling, from the idea that Toru Tanaka was a Professor to Bam Bam Bigelow carrying The Communist Manifesto to the ring in WCCW when they ran short of Soviets, but Jimmy Valiant was in Vietnam like I was first man off the boat at Anzio.

    Ultimately, time took care of what Paul Jones' Army could not. Aged hard by the rigors of the road the breakup of the regional teritories left Valiant without a home. Sporting a 2 foot braided beard, ass-length bleached blonde hair and a repetoire of dance moves that could make Elaine Benes look like Hines Ward the Boogie Man did the only thing he could and opened a wrestling school in North Carolina where he continues to train youngsters to this day. A man made for the business keep on workin' it "Mr. Willy Willy Billy Billy"!

6. Abdullah The Butcher- According to the World Health Organization website if Abdullah the Butcher was, as billed, from Khartoum he would be by far the fattest man to ever come from the Sudan. At somewhere in the area of 500 pounds his flapping, chafing Man Breasts were a consistent reminder that as I got older my one and only fitness goal was not to get tits.

    In actuality Larry Shreve (real name) is from Topeka or Montreal depending on which website you believe, but that not withstanding his "Wildman From The Sudan" gimmick will go down as one of the best the business has ever known. And his feuds with Bruiser Brody in World Class, Puerto Rico and Japan are the stuff of legend. Well worth the computer time if you've never seen them.

    Like Brody and The Shiek of Detroit Wrestling fame Abby's game was built on giving the people what they want...and what they wanted was blood. The Butcher bladed his forehead so often throughout his career that Mick Foley reported in his memoir Have A Nice Day that Abby could hold coins and poker chips in the deep scars on his forehead which I guess is cooler than having a velcro wallet.

   The only problem is with his dark skin tone and shaved head the blood Abdullah produced never seemed to be that profuse unlike...

7. Tommy "Wildfire" Rich- ...the man who I believe inspired Gordon Solie's famous cry of "his face is a Crimson Mask". You see red on white produces a much better visual effect and Tommy Rich wasn't just pale, he was translucent. He could make WWE star Seamus look like George Hamilton. At the beach there wasn't an SPF high enough short of mayonaise. Add in bone white bleach blonde hair and it's no wonder Rich was often captioned in pro wrestling mags as "bleeding like a stuck pig".

    A huge fan favorite in Georgia Rich won basically every title there was in the Mid-Atlantic/Georgia/Florida territories. We're also happy to add the immense blood loss had no ill effects and you can find Wildfire happily posing with his wife on his FaceBook page still just a shaving nick away from a Hemophilia PSA.
Abdullah and Tommy Rich doing what they do best...and that guy in the white hat doing God knows what?!?

    I literally can't type anymore so maybe we'll get to Magnum T.A., The Great Kabuki, Kamala and Sgt. Slaughter some other time. If there are any other old school stars you'd like to see profiled leave a comment. In the meantime remember the site's on FaceBook and at "sprtcom102" on Twitter and as soon as we figure out where the "Source Code" bar is on this freakin' site we'll put up the links. I honestly hate everything...good night!