Unfortunately as I look around a studio apartment that could make Ratso Rizzo and Charlie Bucket's family feel like residents of The Breakers I realize that my intrepid inventiveness rarely translates into real world functionality, but for one exception: Hot Girls Doing Sports.
Even as a teenager beer commercials had taught me two things-everything is colder/purer in the Rocky Mountains and attractive women push product, particularly to men. So why then I often mused (yes, I did a lot of musing back then) were we subjected weekly to the bland broadcasting banalities of white-haired washouts like Curt Gowdy and Jack Whitaker or soulless suits such as Dick Enberg or Don Criqui when it seemed certain that, say, Sandahl Bergman (Conan, The Barbarian) could, with a little training, gives us the same pap while at least looking good doing it.
Beats the Hell outta Jim McKay. Though it's probably best she wasn't covering the Munich Olympic kidnappings.Problem was competition was sparse in those days before the dawn of cable and FOX Network. There were only 3 major stations and they monopolized the options so it didn't matter if you liked Nordic-style ski jumping or Hispanics in Speedos jumping off rocks in Brazil that's what ABC had on Wide World of Sports and you watched it on Saturday afternoons from January until the College Football opener or went antiquing with your wife.
Then along came basic cable with its alphabet soup of sports channels and the playing field opened up considerably. Producers were suddenly more amenable to playing to their audiences baser instincts as the rise of Phyllis George, Jayne Kennedy and later Jill Arrington could attest. Yet even today we still haven't reached the point of bringing my vision, ESPNews: Bikini Edition, to fruition, but then again I don't get ESPN Desportes on my cable package so I can't say for sure.
Until then here's a quick sampling of some of the women of ESPN ranked in order of atrractiveness and designed to illuminate and tittilate...because that's what I do:
7. Holly Rowe (CFB Sideline Reporter): As far as I'm concerned the saddest words in sports are not "Tinker to Evers to Chance", but rather "Let's go to Holly Rowe on the snowy Boise State sideline." The longest tenured sideline reporter at ESPN with a resume that goes back to 1997 Ms. Rowe is sadly what the sales people in the Young Men's Department at Gimbel's used to call me-Husky. And so while more comely Janey-come-latelys like Jenn Brown and Heather Cox get to flash some skin along the benches in locations like Miami, Los Angeles or Austin, Texas Holly is wrapped up like Ralphie Parker's brother in A Christmas Story trying to weather the elements in Boise, Madison, Wisconsin or some other outpost a stone's throw from the Canadian Border. And don't get us started on Erin Andrews...(more below)
Holly in her finest Lane Bryant winter wear.6. Pam Ward (CFB Play-by-Play): The first time I saw those Mentos-Freshmaker commercials my foremost thought was, "Is this Swedish?" Similiarly the first time I heard Pam Ward doing play-by-play I thought, "Who is this man and why have they tapped into the college's student radio station feed?" Ward is low person on the CFB announcing totem pole, saddled with the Noon Mid-American Conference game on Fall Saturdays, and with good reason. The website Awfulannouncing.com has named their weekly "awards" The Pammies and the most positive critique I could find of her work was "sporadic, but competent" which is the same phrase I use to describe my sex life. Looks-wise Ward's about as good as her game-calling so it would appear there's plenty more Saturdays in Bowling Green and Akron in her immediate future.
5. Dana Jacobsen (First Take/ColdPizza): Finding out Cold Pizza (under it's re-packaged name First Take), ESPN's version of Good Morning America, is still on the air is like going to the supermarket and seeing "Gleem" in the toothpaste aisle or "Quisp" and "Quake" next to the Corn Flakes. Ms. Jacobsen's been with the show from the beginning in addition to doing some NBA stuff, but nothing really stands out about her on-air work. And similiar to Ward her appearance won't have her climbing the ladder with any alacrity either. A "healthy" midwestern type from Michigan Jacobsen's most defining feature is a prominent jaw that could make you believe that Reese Witherspoon and Jay Leno's daughter had a baby with Sgt. Slaughter. She's the kinda girl that catches your eye speeding by at 50 MPH, but leaves you gazing down to fumble with the radio when she looks your way at the stoplight. Still Ms. Jacobsen does get kudos for a vodka-influenced rant at the Mike Golic/Mike Greenberg Roast in Atlantic City a while back where she turned to a table of South Bend-ers and announced, "F--- Notre Dame, F--- Charlie Weis and F--- Touchdown Jesus". See ya in Hell Dana!
Jacobsen doing her best Foster Brooks impression at the Mike & Mike Roast4. Michelle Beadle (Sports Nation): The Algonquin wit Dorothy Parker once commented on the coeds of a particular Ivy League institution that, "If the women of Yale were laid end to end...I wouldn't be surprised." Perhaps the women of New Haven, Conneticut were a loose bunch, but down the road in Bristol things are generally quite the opposite. While the on-air women of ESPN, Dana Jacobsen's drunken escapades aside, seem to conduct themselves with a subdued professionalism, the male talent shows all the decorum of a Tailhook Convention. From Ron Franklin (sexual harrassment) to Tony Kornheiser (inappropriate comments) to Gary Miller (public urination) to Scott Van Pelt (drunken texting) to Steve Phillips (chubby chasing) to Harold Reynolds and more these guys could make the Howard Stern Morning Crew look like a meeting of the Promise Keepers. I only bring this up because Beadle is attractive, smart, funny and never married at 36, but if she thinks she's gonna find a suitable suitor among these debauched degenerates she's likely mistaken Or as single hottie and former figure skater Bonnie Bernstein said upon quitting ESPN in the early 2000's, "I wouldn't screw one of those clowns with Scott Hamilton's twat!" Good luck Ms. Beadle.
3. Sara Walsh (ESPNews): I'm the last guy who should be making fun of anyone's teeth. When I smile people ask if I'm British. My mantra regarding checkups is, "only if something's fizzing". And last time I went to the dentist they took two pictures of my mouth for display in the American Journal of Denistry-one closeup and one from farther back to verify it was a human head. But I'm sorry Sara Walsh has some big choppers. Still I like a nice overbite as much as the next guy particularly when it's attached to a blond, bronzed, tight package like this relative newcomer. The only caveat seems to be that Ms. Walsh gives the impression of being a Type-A personality. Her twitter page indicates she hoped to go pro in soccer following college, but after suffering multiple knee injuries settled on high profile sportscasting as a "backup plan". Something about this kind of foresight and goal oriented formulating just rubs me the wrygn...sorry spilled my beer on the keyboard...uh, oh yeah, rubs me the wrong way. But who knows beneath that quaffed, well manicured exterior and piano key smile there could be a Wild Child. Or then again she could be the type of overachiever who'll only have sex if she can combine it with learning a trade. Lord knows I'll never find out for all the carrots in the world.
A tooth fetishists fantasy...and a Google search yields 363,821 pages so apparently there are folks like that out there.2. Wendy Nix (NFL Live, Baseball Tonight): Nix seems to have everything I want in a woman-blond hair, fair skin, pretty face, late 30's and recently divorced. Heck, if she's been slapped around a little by her ex all the better as it's that much easier for me to look like a Prince in comparison. Additionally, as a purveyor of the occasional adult cinematic offering I've noticed that Wendy seems to embody the classic sexually repressed look with her hair up in a high short ponytail and large, dark-rimmed glasses. The kind of look that is a ripped out hair scrunchy and sultry head swing from turning all animalistic as soon as the library closes and it's just her, the mustachioed copy machine guy and a funky background guitar lick among the stacked copies of Lolita and Tropic of Cancer. But perhaps I've over-played my hand...or my hand has over-played me, in a manner of speaking...at this point. Nonetheless it's good to see Ms. Nix getting some quality air time. Her NFL Live work is solid, her Baseball Tonight appearances save me from trying to picture Karl Ravetch without the hair weave and goodness knows the Playboy Channel charges on my cable bill have been reduced...so everybody wins!
Wendy Nix, who I like to think of as shy, demure and just a little bit vunerable...at least until the glasses come off.1. Erin Andrews (Everywhere, All The Time): I'm just gonna come out and say it, "I don't like Erin Andrews!" Sure she's tall, sexy, pretty and has a body that could make a Bishop kick out a stained glass window, but I need more. Alright, I don't need more, Hell I couldn't even handle what she's already offering, but it's time for guys like me to take a stand against women like Erin Andrews. Statistics will tell you that on average women earn less than men, but if you could break it down I'm sure you'd find that women like Holly Rowe and Pam Ward earn a lot less than their male counterparts while Andrews for her qualifications earns a lot more. In other words fat girls and plain girls are dragging down the norm whether it's in sportscasting, journalism, office work or pole dancing. Now don't get me wrong from all outward appearances it seems Ms. Andrews is a hard worker just trying to get ahead, but when the public became outraged over her being peeped on in a hotel room it just made me wanna say, "get over it people". She was peeped on because she made her way to the top of ESPN's College Football programming due to her looks, she's a spokeswomen for various products due to her looks and she appeared on Dancing With The Stars, not because of her scintillating 20 second interviews with Urban Meyer on his way to the lockerroom at halftime, but again due to her looks. No one deserves to have their privacy invaded, just like no one deserves anything except on merit, but sadly it doesn't always work the way it should. Now off to meet Larry, Curly and Moe at The He-Man Women Haters Club.
Hey, I never said she wasn't smokin' hot, did I?UPDATE: An incoherent Lenny Dykstra pleads Not Guilty to bankruptcy fraud charges. See our May post "The Dumbest Guy in the Room" for more on "Nails" and here's a link to the latest story http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/news;_ylt=AqndaS5zlUK.5Pth6ANnYBYRvLYF?slug=ap-dykstra-charges Looks like even his buddy Charlie Sheen can't save him now...sad.
If you're still with us at this point let me say...I apologize...it's almost over. Also don't forget we're on FaceBook and on Twitter at "sprtcom102". Have a good one and I'll get help...I promise.
