A Slice From Fred Exley's Liver (MLB Notes-End Of June)

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 Due to increased page traffic over the last several weeks we have been picked up by the FanVsFan Network. In terms of full disclosure we should admit that the spike in page views was not driven by our snarky sarcasm, witty repartee or slightly obtuse take on the human condition, but rather German men clicking in to see a pic we posted of mammothly mammaried, Hamburg hottie Jordan Carver who is currently the biggest thing to come out of the Reich since Falco blitzkrieged MTV with his paean to pastry "Rock I'm A Danish"...wait, that was the title, right...anyway here's some quick observations on Sports and sundry other forms of entertainment so enjoy!

Duetschland Dazzler and Dewey Decimal Devotee (who knew?) Jordan Carver...

College Football: First up Sexy Sideline Strumpet and Tom-Peepee Erin Andrews has apparently not renewed her lease at ESPN for the 2012 CFB season. So let's all visit her this year at her new residence at FOX Sports-I'll bring the drill...In other CFB news the powers that be in that cesspool of greed have announced the BCS Championship Game will be replaced by a 4 team playoff system. So as 4 more teams (UMass, So. Alabama, UT-San Antonio & UT-San Marcos) push the total FBS (1-A) schools near the 130 mark thereby creating even more wildly disparate strength of skeds let the batlle over #4 vs, #5 (6,7,8...) begin!

Erin Andrews...what you thought those sixteen second sound bites with Nick Saban on the way to halftime landed her a 7-figure deal at FOX?

Pseudo-Sport: On July 4th Joey Chestnut won his unprecedented 6th straight Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Championship which made me wonder-is marijuana considered a Performance Enhancing Drug (PED) on the Professional Eating Circuit?...Nearly shit myself when I heard short term sensation Jeremy Lin of the Knicks had been offered $29M to sign with the Rockets. Is that a case of Lin-Continence?... And if you're craving football the CFL regular season kicked off this past weekend to give you that 110 yard gridiron fix you've been needing. Though it's hard to take seriously a professional league that for most of its existence had two teams named the Roughriders (Saskatchewan and Ottawa). Assuming one franchise came first who owned the other one, Raymond Babbitt-"Yeah definitely has to be Roughriders, gotta name the team Roughriders, definitely Roughriders". Me, I just like to watch until the first Rouge is scored http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Single_(football), but that's just me...

Maria Edible: a model who also competes on the Professional Eating Circuit where she is routinely photographed shoveling hot dogs into her mouth...or as I call her, Marketing Genius!

Pop Culture: Went to see Magic Mike last night. I actually thought it was a biopic of the Jew-Fro, harmonica guy from the J. Geils Band who did the bass voice on "Love Stinks". Turns out that was Magic Dick. Still it wasn't so bad since I used to be a Chippendale Dancer myself. I mean now I'm more of a Chip-A-Hoy Dancer, but things get away from us over time...RIP to Don Grandy who played Robbie on the classic sitcom My Three Sons. Distraught over lack of job offers police say he committed suicide by throwing a noose over his neck, tapping his foot 72 times on the chair and falling to his demise...Congrats to lard loving Celebrity Chef Paula Deen for dropping 30 pounds and lowering her cholesterol to 320. Considering Crisco has a reading of 310 it appears she might still have a ways to go...and finally enough already with Rocker Bob Seger ranting on Twitter about memorabilia stolen during a party thrown by his youngest daughter (he has two, ages 14 and 36). I'm sure you Feel Like A Number, guy, but it's time to just Turn The Page.

J. Geils Band harmonica-ist Magic Dick during his Freeze Frame/Centerfold prime...and just a heads up from experience, Google Image his name at your own risk.

MLB: Boston starter Aaron Cook's strikeout-less streak was snapped last week by Seattle's Chone Figgins at 12.2 innings dating back to last season. More addicted to wood than the heroine in Fifty Shades Of Grey after 4 starts this year his K/9 stands at 0.79 making seeing a Cook K an occurrence on par with, say, spotting a bald Native American. Sadly for those who like to partake in the occasional Caribbean Investment Cook is not scheduled to start against the lumber-laden Yankees this weekend...But at least Cook throws strikes unlike Royals starter Jonathan Sanchez who is acquainted with the strike zone like I am with the annual Victoria Secret Pool Party-I know it exists, I want to be there, but I not really doing anything to make that happen. At present Sanchez has walked 40 batters in 46 innings or 7.8 per nine IP, a figure that makes "Nuke" Laloosh look like Cliff Lee. With prospect Danny Duffy on the shelf till 2013 the current Royals staff of Bruce Chen, Luke Hochevar, Luis Mendoza, Everett Teaford and Sanchez is so weak that despite the fact the club could still be in contact of the #5 Wild Card spot through the end of July they should definitely be sellers at the trade deadline because with this crew as a post-motorcycle accident Bob Dylan once put it, "You Ain't-a Goin' Nowhere"...Odd Stat of June: During the month one pair of teammates combined for 34.2 innings of scoreless relief-Adams/Feliz? No. Downs/Frieri? No. Romo/Casilla? No. Camp/Marmol?Only kidding. Answer: TomWilhelmsen and Charlie Furbush (who by his surname suggests his parents weren't Brazilian). By the way they pitch for Seattle and it didn't help as the Mariners went 11-16 during the month...

When I Googled Charlie Furbush this appeared...still doesn't make up for Magic Dick...

Even in a long haul timing is important. I can still remember one whirlwind courtship that began with me, of all cynics, giving a girl one of those statues of a tow-headed child with his arms stretched wide over the saying, "I Love You THIS Much" after only the second date. Six months later it was re-gifted to me with the arms broken off. In other words it's good not to shoot your load too early (though that was a completely seperate issue in the relationship) and spread out your triumphs if you expect long-term success. The two biggest NL Division leading surprises of April/May were the Dodgers and Nationals, but as we move toward the Al-Star Break these clubs seem to be moving in opposite directions. Since May 30 the Nats have gone 19-11 and increased their NL East lead by 4 games while L.A. has gone 15-19 and given back 4 games even dropping out of first as recently as this past weekend. In the parity that is the National League almost every roster is made up of a couple of stars, a group of solid starters and assorted role players. The former group is expected to produce consistent success, the middle group average performance and the latter moments of production mixed with mediocrity. In the case of Washington the production has been spread nicely. Star players Stephen Strasburg, Jordan Zimmerman, Gio Gonzalez and Bryce Harper have all delivered the goods while pluggers Adam LaRoche, Danny Espinosa, Steve Lombardozzi and Rick Ankiel have provided varying degrees of steadiness. The key, however, has been Jesus Flores, Roger Bernadina, Ian Desmond and the relief trio of Clippard/Stammen/Burnett performing well overall or in spurts while expected producers Ryan Zimmerman, Michael Morse, Wilson Ramos and Drew Storen have been laid up or ineffective. Storen is due back shortly after the break and though Ramos is lost for the year Zimmerman and Morse are finally healthy and have raised their OPS over 100 points each in the last two weeks as Washington not only extended their division lead but took over the best record in the NL. The Dodgers, on the other hand, spent the last two weeks of June smoking a cigarette and trying to stay outta the wet spot. Over 12 games from June 19 to 30 they went 2-10 and averaged 1.2 runs per game while breaking a franchise record for scoreless innings set in 1962 before rules lowered the mound so that it no longer resembled a place of worship constructed by a Pre-Columbian Indian tribe. Problem is the Dodgers all went off at once. Stars Matt Kemp and Andre Ethier were otherwordly, as could be expected, from the start, but at the same time the Ellises, Mark & A.J., Jerry Hairston, Juan Rivera, Dee Gordon and Tony Gwynn, Jr. were all playing well over their heads and Chris Capuano/Aaron Harang were pitching like it was 2005. Now that Kemp/Ethier are on the DL and the pitching has dropped back a tick with Ted Lilly also laid up the Dodge-ballers could use some magic from the aforementioned group of roster fillers, but like David Copperfield's hold on Claudia Schiffer finally their magic is all used up. The Dodgers can't get back those extra runs they pounded folks with early and trying to plug holes with the aging likes of Bobby Abreu, Adam Kennedy and Matt Treanor hasn't done the trick. The futility of their NL West brethren has the Dodgers back in first, but for our money the Nats are the squad here to stay and the Dodgers will be the one scramblin' for the #5 slot come September. Now if Washington could just figure out what they're going to do about that Strasburg 160 IP limit...

Apparently this is Sarah from Hooters, a restaurant that I'm assuming does zero Take-Out business...

Thanks for your toleration and we'll be back after the All-Star Game though some might question why...

Why I'm Not Speaking To Richard Dawson & More Tales From The Drunk Side

--First let's start out by paying our respects after a tough week in the music biz that saw the passing of Dick Clark, Levon Helm and Greg Ham, better known as the flautist for Men At Work...and that's the last time I expect to type the word "flautist" here until Ian Anderson passes which probably won't be for a long time as while he may be "too old to Rock-n-Roll, he's much too young to die."...And yes that's about the level of the humor here so you may wanna get out now.

The Band. RIP Richard Manuel, Levon Helm and Rick Danko.

--Meanwhile in Hollywood word is former Will & Grace star Debra Messing will be appearing topless in Allure Magazine...which reminds me my 12 year-old nephew is having a pool party next weekend. Actually it's not fair to call Messing flat-chested...she's really more concave. So even as a big fan of the topless genre, like a Debra Messing-shaped rock this pictorial is gonna be easy to skip.

Where "motorboats" go to die...Is there an antonym for cleavage?

--In other news from California Former Met/Phillie/Stock Guru Lenny Dykstra was sentenced to 9 months incarceration in a place where they have a very different definition of the term "backdoor slider" for taking liberties with various maids in his employ. Nails pleaded No Contest and threw himself at the mercy of the judge like he was George Costanza being fired from Pendant Publishing..."I gotta claim ignorance on this one. If I had known this type of thing was frowned upon..." For more on this ever-growing pile of human refuse see our article "The Dumbest Guy In The Room" @ http://bowltilithurts.blogspot.com/2011/05/dumbest-guy-in-room.html

Someone sent this via E-mail and that's why I love you mugs...you're the only ones that "get" me...

--And while we're talking about guys having bad weeks here's Detroit starter Rick Porcello's line from Saturday: 10 H, 9 R, 8 ER...in 1 IP! I haven't seen anyone devastated by runs that quickly this side of Taco Bell or a cholera epidemic. His ERA went from 1.86 to 6.34 with this one outing in what has to be the biggest slaughter while "taking the hill" since Pickett's Charge. Better, or any, luck next time, guy.

--Almost forgot to post this pic of Tampa Bay RF Luke Scott who appears to be channeling his inner-Wolverine this season Usually one doesn't see mutton chops like this outside a Renaissance Faire or since Russians were trying to get around Peter The Great's Beard Tax circa 1700. Don't know if it helps his hitting, but I do know he's got a lotta cleaning up to do if he wants to be "sponge-worthy"...as this guy can attest.

--A coupla weeks back we promised Mets, so here it is...

--There's an apocryphal story about a middle age guy complaining about having to get up at night to pee only to have an 80 year-old overhear and respond, "hey, at least you get up..." That's kinda the difference between being the Mets versus say the Royals or Pirates. You see the Royals and Pirates, despite the hype for the former and the remarkable 2011 first half of the latter, have no hope or at least very little by dint of their payroll. For them to win on a consistent basis they not only have to develop virtually all their top talent, but do so on a time coordinated basis so that arbitration and free-agent eligibility doesn't impact their ability to sign veteran parts to fill out their roster or result in some young talent leaving before other has the chance to develop. Sure the Rays are doing it now and Oakland had their "Moneyball" run, but these are the exceptions and as the A's present struggles indicate can be short-lived.

    The Mets, on the other hand, have money, even post-Madoff, and last year checked in with the 5th highest payroll in baseball at over $142M spent. As we mentioned in our NL East Preview they also have a fairly shrewd GM in Sandy Alderson now after a run of shaky management under Omar Minaya and everyone's favorite silver-haired chubby chaser Steve Phillips. Rather than try to plug the holes in this long sinking ship Alderson decided to let it capsize and build from scratch. To this end he jettisoned $59M in salary at the end of 2011 by either trading or not re-signing the Spanish Armada of Under-achievement known as Carlos Beltran, Ollie Perez, K-Rod, Hamstring Jose Reyes and Luis Castillo. At the end of 2013 another $41M goes away courtesy of Johan Santana and Jason Bay and thus the target date to contend again is 2014. But with whom is the question...

    So who might still be Amazin' if/when the tide turns in Flushing? Let's break this down on a mediocrity by mediocrity basis:

C  Josh Thole: The baseball version of Pink Slime. JT is roster filler with no pop, no glove and who never saw a Lefty he couldn't dribble out weakly to second off. Still catcher is a need position throughout the MLB and Thole could hang around as a backup due to his ability to exceed replacement level vs. RHP. Hell if guys like Paul Bako and Brian Schneider can carve out careers why not Thole. Verdict...Gone/Backup.

1B Ike Davis: Most projection systems out there had this 25 year-old pegged for a breakout year until he contracted an offseason case of Valley Fever which is, I believe, a blood disease that causes you to have the hots for Wayne Gretzky's wife. He missed time in the Spring and started off slow, but his bat has picked up of late. He'll be coming into his prime 27 year-old season in 2014 when the Mets hope to contend and his legit power for the position will allow them to allocate big bucks elsewhere...Keeper.

2B Daniel Murphy: Think Super Joe McEwing, but with a bat. Not exactly a Leatherneck at any position, but he can cover all 4 corners plus second and not completely undermine your plans. He could start for a bottom feeder or be a Uber-Utility type for a contender. Since he wouldn't bring much back in a trade the call is probably his...Backup/Gone.

SS Ruben Tejada: This guy has Padres written all over him...or Mariners. Anyplace where the park would suppress most shortstops power anyway thereby making his complete lack of same inconsequential. Doesn't field, run or draw walks to such a degree that you have to take notice. Mets fans should hope he gets hot for a stretch so they can ship him elsewhere for a usable relief piece...Gone.

3B David Wright: In recent years Wright's numbers have been up and down more than those guys in the Flomax commercial. He rebounded from a 10 HR 2009 with 29 dingers and .850+ OPS in 2010, but any hope for a career take-off fell by the wayside as he battled a long-term injury that limited him to 447 PAs in 2011. Off to a solid start this year the question is whether he's a cornerstone or trade chip? Oddly the better Wright plays the more likely he is to be gone. With an extra playoff team and some wide-open races any number of teams from the Dodgers to the Rockies to the Blue Jays to the Angels could come offering prospects and the better Wright's numbers the more MLB-ready those players will be. That means Wright would have to get through two July 31sts and offseasons to be part of the expected turnaround. As the Metskis only real blue-chip bait we don't see that happenin'...Gone.

Recent rumors of a David Wright/Erin Andrews (ESPN) sex tape proved to be a hoax. I was gonna put a pic of Erin Andrews here, but she's always wearing so many clothes. This girl is also named Erin Andrews and doesn't appear to have the same problem. Enjoy!

LF Jason Bay: No one's gone off a cliff like this since the closing scene of Thelma & Louise. If you don't think Park Factor matters check out this guy's numbers from his last year in Fenway compared to his first two at Citi Field. He went from a .921 OPS in 2009 to .703 last year and it hasn't even been that pretty as his fielding has gone in the tank as well. Oh and did we mention he's off to .240 BA start, on pace to strike out 170 times (500 ABs), is currently on the DL and turns 34 before the season's out...GONE!

CF Angel Torres/Kirk Nieuwenheis: This is a position where the Mets might really throw some money around in the coming offseasons. Torres is injured and already 34...Gone. This has allowed Nieuwenheis to goose step into Center, but his speed and defense indicate he's headed for a corner. His 2010 breakout at Double A was followed by similiar, albeit injury truncated, success at Triple A last year so getting him some major league exposure at 24 is a good thing. He's currently sporting a .928 OPS in a Lilliputian sample size, but at least he hasn't been overwhelmed...Keeper.

RF Lucas Duda: He's stiffer than Mitt Romney at Coachella in the field and if he raced Jessica Simpson right now he'd finish third, still the guy can flat-out hit. If this were the AL there'd be no problem. Fortunately he hits from the platoon heavy left side and shows terrific power numbers versus RHP so while he may not be a starter for an improved Mets team he could carve out a place as a solid 1B/LF/RF swing guy...Keeper.

SP Johan Santana: Currently Santana is unmoveable because of his contract and questions surrounding his health. Early results have been mixed as he pitched well in two 5 inning starts against the Chipper-less Braves and (so far) lumber challenged Nats. Then his last outing he couldn't make it out of the second as the Chipper-filled Braves "nocohoma-ed" him for 6 runs in one and one third. He's coming off major shoulder surgery and well on the unfriendly side of 30 and though he won the pitching Triple Crown (K, Wins, ERA) in 2006 the Mets can't wait to get him off their payroll...and maybe get Phil Humber back as well...Gone.

SP Mike Pelfrey: For a stone-cold sinkerballer this guy gets taken deep more often than Jodie Foster in The Accused. Problem is he never developed another quality offering meaning he gets few strikeouts and hitters are content to wait out his mistakes. He's still only 28 and that may explain why the Mets didn't move him after his 15 win 2010. Their reward was a 7-13, 4.74 ERA 2011. Like cat genitalia the upside here is hard to find...Gone.

SP Jonathan Niese: The current incarnation of the Amazin's features less stars than the night sky over Mexico City and Niese is almost certain to never escape from the smog. That, however, doesn't make him worthless. Joe Theismann once said of a 6th round pick on ESPN's Draft Day Special, "hey, you need bodies to fill out mini-camps and things" and while Niese is far more functional than that he's probably no more than a back-end starter/swingman on a true contender. That's still important, but not important enough that he couldn't be packaged in a blockbuster deal without batting an eye. We'll call him a...Keeper?

SP Dillon Gee: Whiz, he's...Gone.

SP R.A. Dickey: If the Mets do rise from the ashes to contention Dickey and his fluttering balls could be their version of Tim Wakefield circa 2004-07. For a knuckleballer he's remarably consistent, eating innings and keeping the ball in the park at a reasonable rate. Hey, worse things could happen...like Victor Zambrano or Mister Koo...Keeper.

Closer/Pen Almost All Gone Bullpens are constantly changing these days so Alderson will probably try to mix and match with homegrown talent like Jennry Mejia and Robert Carson interspersed with free agents and waiver claims...oh and Miguel Batista probably won't be around either.



Honestly I have no idea what's going on here, but God bless..

We're done. Next time we'll have a look at early under-achievers Boston and Anaheim, as well as, some stuff about Stephen Strasburg and maybe the Brian Wilson crap we didn't have space for this time around. Until then we'll be drinkin' to keep from cryin'...

Something In The Way She Says Gamecocks

    I'm a lot of things rolled into one-an aspiring alcoholic, a recalcitrant reprobate, a member of the Bull Moose party, a lesbian trapped in a man's body, but above all else, like Michael Keaton's Billy Blazejowski character in Night Shift, I'm an "Idea Man". And just like Billy Blaze's, "way to end the tunafish crisis-feed the fish mayonaise", I'm willing to push the envelope of conventional wisdom. From Double Stuff Twinkies (put the whipped cream nozzle into the "filling holes") to Fluff/Nutella swirl to shaving boxer's forearms to cut down on wind resistance I'm constantly being bombarded by fascinatingly fresh formulas for making this barmy blue ball a more perfect place.

    Unfortunately as I look around a studio apartment that could make Ratso Rizzo and Charlie Bucket's family feel like residents of The Breakers I realize that my intrepid inventiveness rarely translates into real world functionality, but for one exception: Hot Girls Doing Sports.

    Even as a teenager beer commercials had taught me two things-everything is colder/purer in the Rocky Mountains and attractive women push product, particularly to men. So why then I often mused (yes, I did a lot of musing back then) were we subjected weekly to the bland broadcasting banalities of white-haired washouts like Curt Gowdy and Jack Whitaker or soulless suits such as Dick Enberg or Don Criqui when it seemed certain that, say, Sandahl Bergman (Conan, The Barbarian) could, with a little training, gives us the same pap while at least looking good doing it.

     Beats the Hell outta Jim McKay. Though it's probably best she wasn't covering the Munich Olympic kidnappings.

    Problem was competition was sparse in those days before the dawn of cable and FOX Network. There were only 3 major stations and they monopolized the options so it didn't matter if you liked Nordic-style ski jumping or Hispanics in Speedos jumping off rocks in Brazil that's what ABC had on Wide World of Sports and you watched it on Saturday afternoons from January until the College Football opener or went antiquing with your wife.

    Then along came basic cable with its alphabet soup of sports channels and the playing field opened up considerably. Producers were suddenly more amenable to playing to their audiences baser instincts as the rise of Phyllis George, Jayne Kennedy and later Jill Arrington could attest. Yet even today we still haven't reached the point of bringing my vision, ESPNews: Bikini Edition, to fruition, but then again I don't get ESPN Desportes on my cable package so I can't say for sure.

    Until then here's a quick sampling of some of the women of ESPN ranked in order of atrractiveness and designed to illuminate and tittilate...because that's what I do:

7. Holly Rowe (CFB Sideline Reporter): As far as I'm concerned the saddest words in sports are not "Tinker to Evers to Chance", but rather "Let's go to Holly Rowe on the snowy Boise State sideline." The longest tenured sideline reporter at ESPN with a resume that goes back to 1997 Ms. Rowe is sadly what the sales people in the Young Men's Department at Gimbel's used to call me-Husky. And so while more comely Janey-come-latelys like Jenn Brown and Heather Cox get to flash some skin along the benches in locations like Miami, Los Angeles or Austin, Texas Holly is wrapped up like Ralphie Parker's brother in A Christmas Story trying to weather the elements in Boise, Madison, Wisconsin or some other outpost a stone's throw from the Canadian Border. And don't get us started on Erin Andrews...(more below)

Holly in her finest Lane Bryant winter wear.

6. Pam Ward (CFB Play-by-Play): The first time I saw those Mentos-Freshmaker commercials my foremost thought was, "Is this Swedish?" Similiarly the first time I heard Pam Ward doing play-by-play I thought, "Who is this man and why have they tapped into the college's student radio station feed?" Ward is low person on the CFB announcing totem pole, saddled with the Noon Mid-American Conference game on Fall Saturdays, and with good reason. The website Awfulannouncing.com has named their weekly "awards" The Pammies and the most positive critique I could find of her work was "sporadic, but competent" which is the same phrase I use to describe my sex life. Looks-wise Ward's about as good as her game-calling so it would appear there's plenty more Saturdays in Bowling Green and Akron in her immediate future.

5. Dana Jacobsen (First Take/ColdPizza): Finding out Cold Pizza (under it's re-packaged name First Take), ESPN's version of Good Morning America, is still on the air is like going to the supermarket and seeing "Gleem" in the toothpaste aisle or "Quisp" and "Quake" next to the Corn Flakes. Ms. Jacobsen's been with the show from the beginning in addition to doing some NBA stuff, but nothing really stands out about her on-air work. And similiar to Ward her appearance won't have her climbing the ladder with any alacrity either. A "healthy" midwestern type from Michigan Jacobsen's most defining feature is a prominent jaw that could make you believe that Reese Witherspoon and Jay Leno's daughter had a baby with Sgt. Slaughter. She's the kinda girl that catches your eye speeding by at 50 MPH, but leaves you gazing down to fumble with the radio when she looks your way at the stoplight. Still Ms. Jacobsen does get kudos for a vodka-influenced rant at the Mike Golic/Mike Greenberg Roast in Atlantic City  a while back where she turned to a table of South Bend-ers and announced, "F--- Notre Dame, F--- Charlie Weis and F--- Touchdown Jesus". See ya in Hell Dana!

Jacobsen doing her best Foster Brooks impression at the Mike & Mike Roast

4. Michelle Beadle (Sports Nation): The Algonquin wit Dorothy Parker once commented on the coeds of a particular Ivy League institution that, "If the women of Yale were laid end to end...I wouldn't be surprised." Perhaps the women of New Haven, Conneticut were a loose bunch, but down the road in Bristol things are generally quite the opposite. While the on-air women of ESPN, Dana Jacobsen's drunken escapades aside, seem to conduct themselves with a subdued professionalism, the male talent shows all the decorum of a Tailhook Convention. From Ron Franklin (sexual harrassment) to Tony Kornheiser (inappropriate comments) to Gary Miller (public urination) to Scott Van Pelt (drunken texting) to Steve Phillips (chubby chasing) to Harold Reynolds and more these guys could make the Howard Stern Morning Crew look like a meeting of the Promise Keepers. I only bring this up because Beadle is attractive, smart, funny and never married at 36, but if she thinks she's gonna find a suitable suitor among these debauched degenerates she's likely mistaken Or as single hottie and former figure skater Bonnie Bernstein said upon quitting ESPN in the early 2000's, "I wouldn't screw one of those clowns with Scott Hamilton's twat!" Good luck Ms. Beadle.

3. Sara Walsh (ESPNews): I'm the last guy who should be making fun of anyone's teeth. When I smile people ask if I'm British. My mantra regarding checkups is, "only if something's fizzing". And last time I went to the dentist they took two pictures of my mouth for display in the American Journal of Denistry-one closeup and one from farther back to verify it was a human head. But I'm sorry Sara Walsh has some big choppers. Still I like a nice overbite as much as the next guy particularly when it's attached to a blond, bronzed, tight package like this relative newcomer. The only caveat seems to be that Ms. Walsh gives the impression of being a Type-A personality. Her twitter page indicates she hoped to go pro in soccer following college, but after suffering multiple knee injuries settled on high profile sportscasting as a "backup plan". Something about this kind of foresight and goal oriented formulating just rubs me the wrygn...sorry spilled my beer on the keyboard...uh, oh yeah, rubs me the wrong way. But who knows beneath that quaffed, well manicured exterior and piano key smile there could be a Wild Child. Or then again she could be the type of overachiever who'll only have sex if she can combine it with learning a trade. Lord knows I'll never find out for all the carrots in the world.

A tooth fetishists fantasy...and a Google search yields 363,821 pages so apparently there are folks like that out there.

2. Wendy Nix (NFL Live, Baseball Tonight): Nix seems to have everything I want in a woman-blond hair, fair skin, pretty face, late 30's and recently divorced. Heck, if she's been slapped around a little by her ex all the better as it's that much easier for me to look like a Prince in comparison. Additionally, as a purveyor of the occasional adult cinematic offering I've noticed that Wendy seems to embody the classic sexually repressed look with her hair up in a high short ponytail and large, dark-rimmed glasses. The kind of look that is a ripped out hair scrunchy and sultry head swing from turning all animalistic as soon as the library closes and it's just her, the mustachioed copy machine guy and a funky background guitar lick among the stacked copies of Lolita and Tropic of Cancer. But perhaps I've over-played my hand...or my hand has over-played me, in a manner of speaking...at this point. Nonetheless it's good to see Ms. Nix getting some quality air time. Her NFL Live work is solid, her Baseball Tonight appearances save me from trying to picture Karl Ravetch without the hair weave and goodness knows the Playboy Channel charges on my cable bill have been reduced...so everybody wins!

Wendy Nix, who I like to think of as shy, demure and just a little bit vunerable...at least until the glasses come off.

1. Erin Andrews (Everywhere, All The Time): I'm just gonna come out and say it, "I don't like Erin Andrews!" Sure she's tall, sexy, pretty and has a body that could make a Bishop kick out a stained glass window, but I need more. Alright, I don't need more, Hell I couldn't even handle what she's already offering, but it's time for guys like me to take a stand against women like Erin Andrews. Statistics will tell you that on average women earn less than men, but if you could break it down I'm sure you'd find that women like Holly Rowe and Pam Ward earn a lot less than their male counterparts while Andrews for her qualifications earns a lot more. In other words fat girls and plain girls are dragging down the norm whether it's in sportscasting, journalism, office work or pole dancing. Now don't get me wrong from all outward appearances it seems Ms. Andrews is a hard worker just trying to get ahead, but when the public became outraged over her being peeped on in a hotel room it just made me wanna say, "get over it people". She was peeped on because she made her way to the top of ESPN's College Football programming due to her looks, she's a spokeswomen for various products due to her looks and she appeared on Dancing With The Stars, not because of her scintillating 20 second interviews with Urban Meyer on his way to the lockerroom at halftime, but again due to her looks. No one deserves to have their privacy invaded, just like no one deserves anything except on merit, but sadly it doesn't always work the way it should. Now off to meet Larry, Curly and Moe at The He-Man Women Haters Club.

Hey, I never said she wasn't smokin' hot, did I?

UPDATE: An incoherent Lenny Dykstra pleads Not Guilty to bankruptcy fraud charges. See our May post "The Dumbest Guy in the Room" for more on "Nails" and here's a link to the latest story  http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/news;_ylt=AqndaS5zlUK.5Pth6ANnYBYRvLYF?slug=ap-dykstra-charges Looks like even his buddy Charlie Sheen can't save him now...sad.

    If you're still with us at this point let me say...I apologize...it's almost over. Also don't forget we're on FaceBook and on Twitter at "sprtcom102". Have a good one and I'll get help...I promise.