A Slice From Fred Exley's Liver (MLB Notes-End Of June)

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 Due to increased page traffic over the last several weeks we have been picked up by the FanVsFan Network. In terms of full disclosure we should admit that the spike in page views was not driven by our snarky sarcasm, witty repartee or slightly obtuse take on the human condition, but rather German men clicking in to see a pic we posted of mammothly mammaried, Hamburg hottie Jordan Carver who is currently the biggest thing to come out of the Reich since Falco blitzkrieged MTV with his paean to pastry "Rock I'm A Danish"...wait, that was the title, right...anyway here's some quick observations on Sports and sundry other forms of entertainment so enjoy!

Duetschland Dazzler and Dewey Decimal Devotee (who knew?) Jordan Carver...

College Football: First up Sexy Sideline Strumpet and Tom-Peepee Erin Andrews has apparently not renewed her lease at ESPN for the 2012 CFB season. So let's all visit her this year at her new residence at FOX Sports-I'll bring the drill...In other CFB news the powers that be in that cesspool of greed have announced the BCS Championship Game will be replaced by a 4 team playoff system. So as 4 more teams (UMass, So. Alabama, UT-San Antonio & UT-San Marcos) push the total FBS (1-A) schools near the 130 mark thereby creating even more wildly disparate strength of skeds let the batlle over #4 vs, #5 (6,7,8...) begin!

Erin Andrews...what you thought those sixteen second sound bites with Nick Saban on the way to halftime landed her a 7-figure deal at FOX?

Pseudo-Sport: On July 4th Joey Chestnut won his unprecedented 6th straight Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Championship which made me wonder-is marijuana considered a Performance Enhancing Drug (PED) on the Professional Eating Circuit?...Nearly shit myself when I heard short term sensation Jeremy Lin of the Knicks had been offered $29M to sign with the Rockets. Is that a case of Lin-Continence?... And if you're craving football the CFL regular season kicked off this past weekend to give you that 110 yard gridiron fix you've been needing. Though it's hard to take seriously a professional league that for most of its existence had two teams named the Roughriders (Saskatchewan and Ottawa). Assuming one franchise came first who owned the other one, Raymond Babbitt-"Yeah definitely has to be Roughriders, gotta name the team Roughriders, definitely Roughriders". Me, I just like to watch until the first Rouge is scored http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Single_(football), but that's just me...

Maria Edible: a model who also competes on the Professional Eating Circuit where she is routinely photographed shoveling hot dogs into her mouth...or as I call her, Marketing Genius!

Pop Culture: Went to see Magic Mike last night. I actually thought it was a biopic of the Jew-Fro, harmonica guy from the J. Geils Band who did the bass voice on "Love Stinks". Turns out that was Magic Dick. Still it wasn't so bad since I used to be a Chippendale Dancer myself. I mean now I'm more of a Chip-A-Hoy Dancer, but things get away from us over time...RIP to Don Grandy who played Robbie on the classic sitcom My Three Sons. Distraught over lack of job offers police say he committed suicide by throwing a noose over his neck, tapping his foot 72 times on the chair and falling to his demise...Congrats to lard loving Celebrity Chef Paula Deen for dropping 30 pounds and lowering her cholesterol to 320. Considering Crisco has a reading of 310 it appears she might still have a ways to go...and finally enough already with Rocker Bob Seger ranting on Twitter about memorabilia stolen during a party thrown by his youngest daughter (he has two, ages 14 and 36). I'm sure you Feel Like A Number, guy, but it's time to just Turn The Page.

J. Geils Band harmonica-ist Magic Dick during his Freeze Frame/Centerfold prime...and just a heads up from experience, Google Image his name at your own risk.

MLB: Boston starter Aaron Cook's strikeout-less streak was snapped last week by Seattle's Chone Figgins at 12.2 innings dating back to last season. More addicted to wood than the heroine in Fifty Shades Of Grey after 4 starts this year his K/9 stands at 0.79 making seeing a Cook K an occurrence on par with, say, spotting a bald Native American. Sadly for those who like to partake in the occasional Caribbean Investment Cook is not scheduled to start against the lumber-laden Yankees this weekend...But at least Cook throws strikes unlike Royals starter Jonathan Sanchez who is acquainted with the strike zone like I am with the annual Victoria Secret Pool Party-I know it exists, I want to be there, but I not really doing anything to make that happen. At present Sanchez has walked 40 batters in 46 innings or 7.8 per nine IP, a figure that makes "Nuke" Laloosh look like Cliff Lee. With prospect Danny Duffy on the shelf till 2013 the current Royals staff of Bruce Chen, Luke Hochevar, Luis Mendoza, Everett Teaford and Sanchez is so weak that despite the fact the club could still be in contact of the #5 Wild Card spot through the end of July they should definitely be sellers at the trade deadline because with this crew as a post-motorcycle accident Bob Dylan once put it, "You Ain't-a Goin' Nowhere"...Odd Stat of June: During the month one pair of teammates combined for 34.2 innings of scoreless relief-Adams/Feliz? No. Downs/Frieri? No. Romo/Casilla? No. Camp/Marmol?Only kidding. Answer: TomWilhelmsen and Charlie Furbush (who by his surname suggests his parents weren't Brazilian). By the way they pitch for Seattle and it didn't help as the Mariners went 11-16 during the month...

When I Googled Charlie Furbush this appeared...still doesn't make up for Magic Dick...

Even in a long haul timing is important. I can still remember one whirlwind courtship that began with me, of all cynics, giving a girl one of those statues of a tow-headed child with his arms stretched wide over the saying, "I Love You THIS Much" after only the second date. Six months later it was re-gifted to me with the arms broken off. In other words it's good not to shoot your load too early (though that was a completely seperate issue in the relationship) and spread out your triumphs if you expect long-term success. The two biggest NL Division leading surprises of April/May were the Dodgers and Nationals, but as we move toward the Al-Star Break these clubs seem to be moving in opposite directions. Since May 30 the Nats have gone 19-11 and increased their NL East lead by 4 games while L.A. has gone 15-19 and given back 4 games even dropping out of first as recently as this past weekend. In the parity that is the National League almost every roster is made up of a couple of stars, a group of solid starters and assorted role players. The former group is expected to produce consistent success, the middle group average performance and the latter moments of production mixed with mediocrity. In the case of Washington the production has been spread nicely. Star players Stephen Strasburg, Jordan Zimmerman, Gio Gonzalez and Bryce Harper have all delivered the goods while pluggers Adam LaRoche, Danny Espinosa, Steve Lombardozzi and Rick Ankiel have provided varying degrees of steadiness. The key, however, has been Jesus Flores, Roger Bernadina, Ian Desmond and the relief trio of Clippard/Stammen/Burnett performing well overall or in spurts while expected producers Ryan Zimmerman, Michael Morse, Wilson Ramos and Drew Storen have been laid up or ineffective. Storen is due back shortly after the break and though Ramos is lost for the year Zimmerman and Morse are finally healthy and have raised their OPS over 100 points each in the last two weeks as Washington not only extended their division lead but took over the best record in the NL. The Dodgers, on the other hand, spent the last two weeks of June smoking a cigarette and trying to stay outta the wet spot. Over 12 games from June 19 to 30 they went 2-10 and averaged 1.2 runs per game while breaking a franchise record for scoreless innings set in 1962 before rules lowered the mound so that it no longer resembled a place of worship constructed by a Pre-Columbian Indian tribe. Problem is the Dodgers all went off at once. Stars Matt Kemp and Andre Ethier were otherwordly, as could be expected, from the start, but at the same time the Ellises, Mark & A.J., Jerry Hairston, Juan Rivera, Dee Gordon and Tony Gwynn, Jr. were all playing well over their heads and Chris Capuano/Aaron Harang were pitching like it was 2005. Now that Kemp/Ethier are on the DL and the pitching has dropped back a tick with Ted Lilly also laid up the Dodge-ballers could use some magic from the aforementioned group of roster fillers, but like David Copperfield's hold on Claudia Schiffer finally their magic is all used up. The Dodgers can't get back those extra runs they pounded folks with early and trying to plug holes with the aging likes of Bobby Abreu, Adam Kennedy and Matt Treanor hasn't done the trick. The futility of their NL West brethren has the Dodgers back in first, but for our money the Nats are the squad here to stay and the Dodgers will be the one scramblin' for the #5 slot come September. Now if Washington could just figure out what they're going to do about that Strasburg 160 IP limit...

Apparently this is Sarah from Hooters, a restaurant that I'm assuming does zero Take-Out business...

Thanks for your toleration and we'll be back after the All-Star Game though some might question why...

While The Mentally Ill Sit Perfectly Still (Again With MLB Notes)

--Last week NBC cancelled three of the best written comedies on network TV by axing Community, Parks & Recreation and 30 Rock in one Al Dunlap-style house cleaning. Word is canning this trio has made room for another Matthew Perry comedy vehicle which is kinda like the San Diego Chargers giving Norv Turner one more chance...oh wait... I mean, what the Hell, why not give Jenna Elfman another sitcom while were at it? Or did they do that already and call it Whitney? Additionally NBC announced that Anne Heche will be given one of the newly opened 30 minute Thursday night spots though this may be more of a "pity pilot" due to Ms. Heche previously being diagnosed with what the medical profession calls "crazyballs". Good luck with all that, if it's even possible to fall to 5th in the ratings you're well on your way.

--In other Reality TV/pseudo-Sports news production is under way for the Bikini Hockey League because when most people look at the NHL they think, "not bad, but if only there was more chance for hypothermia and nipples that could cut glass..." Plans are for the "too-ugly for The Bachelor" contestants to live together in a mansion while they compete for spots on the handful of proposed teams before returning to their respective poles when the whole thing tanks. If nothing else it should give new meaning to such Hockey lingo as "butt-ending", "5-hole" and "putting the biscuit in the basket". If you're interested I'd suggest keeping abreast (pun intended) of, I'm guessing, the Versus Network schedule for the debut episode.

Looking at the skimpy bottoms I'm not sure I want to see this league's take on the "Playoff Beard"...

--QUICK HITS: Odd to hear that the broken zip-line incident that led to a case of flesh eating bacteria occurred in Georgia...cause when I hear "flesh eating bacteria" I automatically think "Guatemala". Is that wrong?...Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg was married on Saturday once again confirming my long held belief that making lots of money does not necessarily mean you are smarter...And finally the MLB firing of Ryan Braun steriod case arbritrator Shyam Das was sadly not big enough news for the New York tabloid papers to go with my suggested back page headline "DAS BOOT-ED". I have no more to add since I never actually saw the 1981 critically acclaimed German psychological thriller and have been told by the Film & Theatre teacher here at school that the hotel room rental of Das Booty I once purchased is only remotely related to the original.

And with this on to baseball...

--On May 6th Phillies starter Cole Hamels drilled Nationals rookie OF Bryce Harper with a pitch for what many claimed was no apparent reason though others might conclude merely coming to the park with this Coon-Skin hat of  a haircut (refresh page if pic doesn't show) and enough eye black to frighten The Missing Linkwould be reason enough. Most likely Hamels plunked the phenom as some sort of "hazing/right of passage" type deal which considering Harper trotted to first, later stole home with the game's first run and Hamels ended up with a five game suspension wasn't exactly the most "team first" move he could've made.

    Let's start by saying the whole idea of mean-spirited hazing of this nature is stupid. It reminds us of those news reports you hear every so often of new recruits getting sodomized at a high school football training camp or military school. First off when did sticking things up another guy's ass outside of Spring Break at Fire Island become an all-join-in recreational activity. And secondly if, as psychologists tell us, this is the hetrosexual BMOCs way of protecting their turf wouldn't it come to backfire when word got out about what was taking place and every Glee-ed up, friend of Dorothy in the school was trying out for the team?

    This whole incident also gave the Neanderthal-ish John Kruk another chance to trot out the riduculous old school story of how if you so much as hit a hard foul ball against guys like Sal "The Barber" Maglie you'd wind up having to dust off your baggy flannels the next time you stepped up to the plate. I assume this theory is based on the idea that if you can't do your job well then nobody should which is just plain dumb. If you don't want guys to hit homeruns off you here's an idea...make better pitches. Don't make the problem worse by getting behind in the count or giving up a free baserunner next time around in an effort to massage your misplaced macho ego.

    Now this doesn't mean that every hurler has to turn into the Marquis of Queensbury on the mound. If an opponent is thought to be throwing at your teammate then certainly retaliation is deserved. Similiarly, if a batter stands at the plate admiring his HR like he's auditioning to play an extra in the remake of Close Encounters of the Third Kind  then again plunk away. Or in short as Steve Martin's character advised John Candy's Del Griffith about telling a story in Planes, Trains & Automobiles  ...have a point. And if the Phillies miss the playoffs or a Division title by one game remember it may just be a suspension forced Kyle Kendrick fill-in start that tipped the balance.

--Ever since the Nationals drafted Stephen Strasburg the baseball media has been in David Clyde meets Todd Van Poppel style overdrive hype mode. And now that Strasburg is delivering on his promise in a full season, blinkers off the pitch count scenario pundits are looking everywhere from the ill-fated Herb Score to the coke-sated Dwight Gooden for rookie pitcher comps and still finding them all wanting.

    So how good is Strasburg? Well before you go all Sidd Finch on us consider this...Strasburg and Clayton Kershaw were born 4 months apart. Had they both declared for the draft in 2006 it's debatable who would've went first, but Strasburg opted for 3 years at San Diego State before bursting on the scene. Kershaw struggled with some control issues early on, but is now the reigning NL Cy Young and flat-out nasty. Strasburg's learning curve was shortened by the polish and maturity he gained in college ball...and lo and behold there they are this year with identical 4-1 records. They've both walked 13 and while Strasburg has a dozen more Ks Kershaw tops him in ERA.

    So in other words Stephen Strasburg is Clayton Kershaw 2.0 and that's damn good, but he's not going to change the way the game's played. That said combined with talented, young hurlers Jordan Zimmerman and Gio Gonzalez the Nats have a formidable Big 3. Here's hoping 24 year-old, potential lights-out closer Drew Storen returns by the All Star break and management is not afraid to upgrade the offense come trade deadline time. If so there could be meaningful Fall baseball in our nation's capital for the first time since Goose Goslin and The Big Train roamed the diamonds.

--So like everything else surounding the under-achieving Angels this year writers would have us believe that the recent firing of batting coach Mickey Hatcher is really "All About Albert". However, like most things in life and everything in politics this is only partially true. So let's play "What's Albert's Fault in Anaheim" and try to decide if there's any hope that this whole thing won't turn out to be the biggest bust outta Disneyland since John Carter:

1. Pujols Slump-ALL ABOUT ALBERT: This would seem pretty self-evident, but apparently it's not. Everyone from Angel management to ESPN talking heads to most recently Alex Rodriguez has weighed in with the theory that Pujols poor early season numbers are related to moving to the AL. Once he adjusts to the pitchers and umpires, Ball Girls and blades of grass in the Junior Circuit, they say, a finely honed athlete like Albert will go on a prolonged tear. Hmmm, it doesn't seem to be bothering a fat, pantload like Prince Fielder that much. Nor did it stop Adrian Gonzalez from posting career numbers in Boston last year. Sure there are examples that back this idea up, but all this arguing does is obscure some very real warning signs that cropped up in Pujols' numbers last year.

    For most of this year the story that dogged Pujols was when/if he was going to hit his first HR. When he finally did in Game #29 the highlight was run as often as the Shawshank Redemption on TNT complete with head twisting shots of Blue Jays starter Drew Hutchinson repeated ad nauseum until you'd think someone had just shot him with a high-powered rifle from the 2nd floor of the Toronto Book Depository. Once that was out of the way everyone thought Albert would go back to being Albert, but it hasn't been quite that easy. Fourteen more games later he has a couple additional HRs, but still sports an OPS not seen in Anaheim since the days of Dave Chalk and Rance Mulliniks to go along with a .253 OBP.

    And while everyone looks at the power numbers the latter figure may be the biggest concern. Looking back the most notable number from 2011 may be that Pujols walked only 61 times, the lowest total of his career and the first time he was under 90 walks since 2005. Even if you try to mitigate this by pointing to time missed due to a broken wrist, as a percentage number things were even worse with his .366 OBP representing the worst On-Base tally of his career by 28 points and only the second time the figure dipped below .400 (2002-.394). Indicating that either he's expanding the zone and trying to do too much or that pitchers weren't as worried about pitching to him as they were putting on another runner and pitching to Matt Holliday who by the way will not be signing a $254 million contract any time soon.
   
    Albert's doubles, SLG% & OPS were also career lows. Solid numbers all, but still below the standards of Pujols himself and the contract he signed. No doubt things will get better as the season progresses, but unless it's of an other-worldly nature this will likely pull the Halos from next to last in the AL in runs scored to the middle of the pack which wasn't enough to allow them to catch the Rangers or even make the playoffs the last two years.

2. Angels Record (18-25)-ABOUT HALF ABOUT ALBERT: In 2011 the Angels won 86 games, but still fell 10 games short of the division and 5 shy of the WC. The club finished 2nd in the AL in Runs Allowed, but a dismal 10th in Runs Scored. Despite the addition of C.J. Wilson offense was the real concern this off-season. In many ways it would seem things have improved considerably. Mark Trumbo is crushing the ball, Mike Trout arrived and excelled, Vernon Wells has improved from abysmal to mediocre, Kendry Morales is back and hitting over .300 and  C Chris Ianetta despite a Tom Egan-esque BA has clubbed 3 HRs and drawn double digit walks in 77 Plate Appearances something it took Jeff Mathis a full season and nearly 300 PAs to do last year. With Macier Izturis/Alberto Callaspo taking some of the sting out of a slumping Erick Aybar that leaves Pujols seemingly holding the bag for much of the run scoring blues.

    On the other hand Pujols is scoring baserunners that are on in his At Bats at about the same percentage he always has (18%). The problem is he's on pace to see far fewer on than at any time in St. Louis as Anaheim languishes 12th in the AL with an OBP of only .305. Throw in a bunch of shaky starts from Ervin Santana and the usually consistent Dan Haren along with a few blown leads by the bullpen and it can't be all Albert's fault. Nonetheless the team is third in the AL in Runs Allowed and if Pujols was just playing to the numbers of the average MLB First Baseman Anaheim might be at or over .500 which is why we're giving him a good share, but not all the blame.

--Mickey Hatcher Firing-ONLY A LITTLE ABOUT ALBERT: Our theory on this may surprise some who have been reading sportswriters trying laboriously to link a public spat between the Batting Coach and Pujols from late April to Hatcher's firing. But we're not buying it and instead feel the writing was on the wall this off-season when owner Arte Moreno cleaned out the front office after twice missing the playoffs while getting passed like a Yugo on the Autobahn by Texas in the AL West.

    Jerry DiPoto was brought over from the Diamondbacks to be GM and immediately announced that he wasn't just establishing an Analytical group (read Sabermetric) in the front office, but turning the entire front office into an Analytical group. Immediately gone were the days of slap-hitting, base stealers like Chone Figgins and Reggie Willits at power positions. Mark Trumbo was moved to 3B despite fielding trepidations, Sciosia favorite and noted game-caller Jeff Mathis was shipped to Toronto in favor of the power and eye of Ianetta and the slow starting Peter Bourjos quickly gave way to Baseball Prospectus cover boy Trout.

    Whether these moves work is another question, but they are a step in a new direction. Hatcher, on the other hand, represented the old bunting, base stealing, free swinging Angels who in the last 12 years only finished in the top 3 in OBP once, but in the bottom 3rd on four different occasions. Pujols certainly didn't help Hatcher's case any as we pointed out above, but if the Angels batting coach had been one of a more Sabermetric-friendly approach he probably would've survived the ax.

    So where does this all leave our beloved Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim? Offensively things should improve as Pujols heats up, but they need to come a long way to get to respectable from their current place of 13th and 12th in the AL in Runs and OPS respectively. That's with Trumbo going off, the 20 year old Trout playing like an All-Star and Morales trying to return from over a year and a half on the DL. Regression, pitcher adjustment and fatigue could sap the numbers of all three meaning in the end this O may not be much better than 2011.

    Pitching-wise it would be hard to improve on their last year's #1 in ERA and 2 in Runs Allowed not to mention the 34-18 record they got out of Jered Weaver/Dan Haren. And so far they haven't ranking 7 in ERA, 3 in RA along with Haren dragging down Weaver into a mere 7-6 record. Additionally the staff loses on defense where Trout is a downgrade from the leather-necked Bourjos and to get Pujols/Morales/Trumbo all in the lineup one of the latter two has to don a glove and that's a Catch-22...as in if you hit 100 flyballs/groundballs in their direction they'd probably catch 22.

    Toss in the fact that their current closer is the less than athletic 36 year old Scott Downs, a player who has one AB in the last 8 years and that resulted in a 3 month DL stint, and it's easy to see possible holes cropping up in the pen as well. Frankly all this seems to add up to about what they did last year which left them 4 games behind Boston for the then mythical 5th playoff spot. They're not going to catch Texas, but with the Yankees and Red Sox coming back to the pack and the Blue Jays, Orioles, Indians and White Sox improving everyone should be knocking each other off leaving a wild scramble for the two AL WC spots. Being somewhere among those scramblers is probably the best Anaheim can hope for in 2012.

Wear as little clothes as you like I'm still siding with the Rangers in this matchup.

If you're so inclined become a Follower at the icon on the top right. Additionally check back more often as we are going to drop the long-winded dissertations and just throw out the low-brow humor and off-center analysis whenever if passes through our cerebral transom meaning more, but shorter posts. And no we won't skimp on the pictures. Thanks for playing...

Will Good Time Charlie (Manuel) Get The Blues? (NL East Preview)

    If a guy like me is ever gonna hook up with a woman again, let's face facts, I gotta try...hard. Dinners, movies, conversation and even, good God, caring are a prerequisite if I'm gonna get a female to stand even 5 minutes in my presence. The problem is I just can't muster the strength to give a crap anymore. Not about your cat, your friends, your job or anything to do with vampires and/or zombies. Thus I'm always looking for pickup lines as a form of weaseling my way in without all the heavy lifting. In the past I've borrowed from Kevin James' King of Queens character, "I don't know if you ladies watch Professional Roller Derby, but I'm Doug Heffernan" and comedian Doug Benson, "My penis just died can I bury it in your ass" with, as you might expect, widely varying degrees of success.

    This year I've decided to go with the line Arnold Poindexter used in Revenge of the Nerds on an Omega Moo sorority sister, "So would you rather live in the ascendancy of a civilization or it's decline?"; or as I'm paraphrasing, "So who do you like in the NL East?"

    The teams on the ascendancy here are the Braves and their young arms (Hanson, Beachy, Kimbrel, Venters) and the Nationals with the dynamic duo of Stephen Strasbourg and Bryce Harper creating perhaps overly lofty expectations. The team in decline would have to be the Phillies due to an aging and increasingly brittle infield. Though bringing the talents of Halladay, Lee and Hamels to the hill 3 out of every 5 days hardly makes this the Last Days of Rome. Meanwhile the Marlins play the part of the suddenly resource rich former third world country. A wild card that has to be taken seriously due to the money they've brought to the table. And as for the Mets in this analogy, well, one conjures up images of those African tribes that are discovered living untouched by civilization for thousands of years. Best just to pull closed the curtain and leave them blissfully unaware of just how bad they've got it.

    So here now is our NL East predictions with overlooked, but potentially key players noted in bold. Thanks for participating...

NL East (in order of finish)
Philadelphia Phillies-When a multi-millionaire, rock star, horn-dog like Mick Jagger tells me "I Can't Get No Satisfaction" it's a little hard to believe. Like Huey Lewis singing "I Wanna New Drug" (shut up and get back in your minivan Yuppie scum) or Gloria Gaynor saying "I Will Survive" (yeah, whatever happened to her?). But one look at Sir Mick's creased and craggy visage of late does at least lend some authenticity to the singing of "Mother's Little Helper"...Indeed it is a drag getting old.



    We were very tempted to put the Braves here, but the aforementioned starters coupled with a strong, shored up bullpen headed by Jonathan Papelbon and nasty Antonio "You Magnificent" Bastardo is enough to give them the nod. Still despite all the mound magnificence there seems to be some trepidation surrounding this team because of an aging and increasingly brittle everyday core.

    The entire right side of the infield will be on the DL to start the season. Ryan Howard being out until June and Chase Utley dealing with another nagging injury the likes of which have sent his once consistent numbers into a spiral the last two years. Throw in 36 year old Placido Polanco another player plagued by declining production and DL time and you have a growing problem in Philly which is only compounded by a pair of backup infielders in Michael Martinez and Freddy Galvis whose work in the batter box often evokes cries of "nice job, does your husband play?" from the Broad Street Phaithful. Mix in probable regression from 2011 surprise stars Shane Victorino and Carlos Ruiz and it seems possible even this killer staff could be wasted by a few bad breaks...or sprains...or hyperextensions.

    So for our key player we're going to create a three-headed monster of Laynce Nix/Domonic Brown/John Mayberry, Jr.. Ty Wiggington can suffice at 1B in the short term, Polanco is currently healthy and Victorino and Ruiz are expected to regress slightly not nosedive per most projections. That means the one big question mark, assuming Utley is not out longer than expected, is in LF where Mayberry will platoon with Nix/Brown. As the short side of the platoon Mayberry, who tweaked his stance last year and finally delivered on some of the power potential his lineage hints at, should be fine. Thus either Brown or Nix needs to step up in what is expected to be a very competitive division. Nix provides veteran pop, but also brings an abysmal .288 OBP to bear so the Phillies are hoping the 24 year old Brown starts to live up to his can't-miss prospect projection. Last year D-Bro turned around a poor K/BB ration first in Triple-A and then in 210 ABs at the major level. If Mayberry maintains most of the gains he made last year and Brown begins to flower it could be Party-Time at Pat's Cheesesteaks come October...then again it could...aw Hell we won't even say it.

Yes, it should be a tight one in the NL East race this year.

Atlanta Braves- An edition of the soon to be obsolete print edition of The Encyclopedia Britannica mentions that after retiring from politics ex-President John Adams liked to spend his days "admiring his prodigious manure pile which grew incrementally by the day." Many Atlanta fans have compared the 2011 Braves season to a pile of manure, but not because they admired it or it grew incrementally.

    In fact the Braves season more resembled the "Drunkards Walk Theory" which states that things like the stock market or a baseball season do not move in a straight line, but rather lurch forward and pitch backward like a drunk trying to make it home down a city sidewalk. The idea being I...er I mean...the drunk will eventually reach his destination, but in an irregular path of progress and decline. For the inebriated Bravos it was a positive looking 3 steps forward, 1 step backward until with 30 games left and a 9.5 game lead in the Wild Card the final round of Jello shots apparently kicked in and they didn't just stumble backwards, but off the curb and into a speeding bus eventually losing in the 13th inning of the last game of the season to send eventual World Series winner St. Louis to the playoffs and themselves to the golf course.

    The problen, of course, was the bats. ATL finished 23rd overall in runs scored and broken down sabermetrically they wound up an even worse 26th in True Average (TAv). Combine that with a middling defense and a young and talented, but overworked bullpen and you can see how a few bad bounces could skew short term results and lead to such a collapse. In short, the Braves had little  margin for error due to their offensive ineptitude and paid an unlucky price.

    This year it could be more of the same as the Braves thanks to the range challenged and Roberto Duran Hands-of-Stone duo of Freddie Freeman and Dan Uggla appear to be the worst defensive club in the division. Combine that with the fragility of the already DL-ed Chipper Jones, who's still arguably their most productive bat when healthy, and it could be another tight-rope walk to reach the playoffs.

    That said the guy who has to deliver is Jason Heyward. He may not be under the radar, but his precipitous decline from 3.9 WARP to 0.5 last year was more than enough to cost Atlanta the Wild Card. Good news is it was partially manifested by a decidedly low .260 BABIP. With even average luck on balls in play Heyward should add 1.5 to 2 wins to his total from last year. Now the question is will it be enough to not only catch the Phils, but hold off the hard charging Nats and Marlins.

The Braves used to play in Boston...right?

Miami Marlins-I can still remember my Mom sitting at the dinner table and proclaming that "beauty is skin deep, but ugly goes right to the bone"...then she turned away and started talking to my sister. In short you can slap a coat of concealer and a pushup bra on any Hollywood starlet and look good in the short term, but time will eventually seperate the timeless Christie Brinkley's and Jane Seymour's from the in seclusion for a reason Melanie Griffith's of the world (if only Antonio Banderas had such foresight). And that brings us to the new and supposedly improved Marlins.

    The key additions in Miami this year are Jose Reyes, Heath Bell and Mark Buehrle who combined with new manager Ozzie Guillen and the excitement over the grand opening of a state-of-the-art ballpark have led to expectations perhaps getting out of hand. After all this is essentially still a team that lost 92 games last year, hasn't made the playoffs since 2003 and plays in far and away the toughest division in the National League. Breaking the hype down further Reyes is arguably the biggest non-pitcher injury risk in all of baseball with a hammy that's been glazed so often you may as well toss a pineapple ring on top of it at this point and at 34 with a declining K rate, a ready to regress .269 BABIP and a move out of every pitcher's favorite park in S.D. is Heath Bell really that much of an upgrade over The Closer Formerly Known As Leo Nunez?

    Still there's plenty here to suggest that Miami will close the gap on the Braves and Phillies considerably and even vie for a WC spot. While not spectacular Mark Buerhle is as consistent as they come and could even see a bump in his numbers this year with a new league full of hitters who have yet to be baffled by his off-speed stuff, Hanley Ramirez is due for a rebound of sorts after providing no value in 2011 and the starting 4 at least is set and solid with Buehrle, Ricky Nolasco, Anibal Sanchez and Josh Johnson.

    Thus the key is the core that contributed to those 92 losses playing better. Giancarlo nee Mike Stanton is a monster, but may have trouble living up to his breakout 2011 so we'll call our key player LF Logan Morrison who needs to build off his 23 homer, .798 OPS season to compensate for any decline by Stanton and cover the Emilio Bonifacio/Chris Coghlan/Scott Cousins mess that will handle CF. Projections are that Morrison overshot his power last year, but the new park is expected to be left-handed power friendly and at 24 he's still young enough to build on prior success. In the end, though, we're not buying the hype coming outta South Beach and think the Marlins, while still worth a roll in the hay, are not the full season beauty some are making them out to be.

Washington Nationals-And speaking of hype...it is almost always a bad thing to get caught up in especially if it surrounds something new and unproven. Start believing every new flavor that comes out is the next great thing and before you know it you're wondering why you're sweating pit stains in your t-shirt carrying another milk crate full of Flock of Seagulls and Spandau Ballet vinyl records three flights up to your new apartment. As they say in Missouri "Show Me" and while we like the direction this team is going there's still a lot of speculation and only a smattering of proven substance.

    The pitching trio of Stephen Strasbourg, Jordan Zimmerman and Drew Storen coupled with the eventual first coming of the Savior Bryce Harper has things moving along in the right direction, but the buzz surrounding these guys tends to deflect attention from several shortcomings. First off the middle of the field is weak with only 2B Danny Espinosa's glove projecting as a real asset when taking into account the potential value of Espinosa, SS Ian Desmond, and CFs Roger Bernadina and Rick Ankiel. The Sage of the Second Division First Basemen Adam LaRoche unexcitingly mans one corner and while Ryan Zimmerman in the hotter of the two corners is a true star the recently back from being kidnapped C Wilson Ramos and LF Michael Morse look like regression candidates in 2012. That makes our key player RF Jayson Werth. No he's never going back to the 5+ win player he was in Philly, but nagging injuries and a 62 point BABIP drop last year suggest better things at the plate this year. If Werth can adequately fill a 3-4-5 hole and things break right there could be meaningful baseball into the fall in D.C. But until Strasbourg shows he can handle an extended workload and Harper proves himself vs. MLB pitching we're taking a Costco type approach, that is we'll sample the hype, but we're not buying just yet.

New York Mets-Two words: Sandy Alderson...alright that's one name, but the point is clear. The Mets are done with the free spending, Hispanic-fication of the roster as attempted by Omar Minaya and into a full-fledged rebuilding mode. And Alderson appears to be as good a man as they could get for the job.

    From 1983-97 GM Alderson's Oakland A's went to 3 World Series (winning one) and one ALCS after slowly rebuilding a team that had lost 94 games in 1982 and restocking its farm system. At his next stop in San Diego he put together 2 Division winners in 5 years. By no means is his record spotless, but after Minaya and the chubby chasing likes of Steve Phillips it's nice to know there's a guy with some proven success calling the shots at Citi Field.

    The Mets aren't gonna win this year or even next so we're not going to go into particulars, but if you want a key player try Johan Santana on for size. Already Alderson has cleared the multi-million dollar likes of Carlos Beltran, K-Rod, Luis Castillo, Jose Reyes and...God help us all...Oliver Perez off the books and getting someone to take Santana off their hands would be a bonus. He's signed through 2013, but the problem is coming off a year lost to major surgery no one knows what to expect. He'll be 36 by the time the Mets figure to contend so the idea of dropping all or a portion of his salary while getting some young talent in return is one that plays into the overall scheme here. Santana was ready to go Opening Day so things are starting off right. And who knows maybe this time that light at the end of the tunnel in Flushing Meadows isn't the D-Train.

And one to temporarily distract you Mets fans...

Done. We'll try to update once a week with our insights...and yes more pictures...so stop on back. Beer...what a good idea!