As Tiny Purple Fishes Run Laughing Thru My Fingers (MLB Notes)

The NFL for lack of a better term is sexy. Now that it’s back with the start of preseason games MLB, despite its myriad of tight pennant races, takes a bit of a backseat.

To put it another way if the TV show Modern Family were a metaphor for sports MLB is Julie Bowen in something revealing and Sofia Vergara (NFL) just entered the scene. I guess this makes College Football the oldest daughter, but we can work out the logistics on that deal later…

Right now we want to trot out our thin and dirty (just how I like my women) version of the rest of the baseball season thru the World Series so we can kick off our indepth NFL/Fantasy coverage next week…So here’s what we got:

We’ll do this in a Power Rankings order then make our Playoff picks below…

NATIONAL LEAGUE

1. LA DODGERS- Solid rotation at the top in Kershaw/Greinke/Ryu, but after that it’s shaky even if Josh Beckett comes back. The offense is the same way with Puig playing a less dominant Kershaw. Their best shot is to shake San Fran so as to set up Kershaw for the most possible usage, but with Ramirez and Beckett on the DL and Puig resting his back it could be dicey. They still win the West.

2. WASHINGTON NATIONALS- Same boat as the Dodgers. Nobody has an OPS over .837, but the Big 3 of J. Zimmerman/Strasburg/Fister is tough. Gio Gonzalez though has turned into a train wreck and Asdrubal Cabrera is no replacement for the bat of Ryan Zimmerman. Fortunately Atlanta has tanked at just the right time for these guys and ESPN now has them as having the best odds to make the playoffs in the NL.

3. MILWAUKEE BREWERS- Everything about this team screams solid, not spectacular. In the NL that’s good enough. I already picked them to win the Central and I’ll stick by it. There’s no Kershaw or Puig, but Jonathan Lucroy is the best guy a lot of folks never heard of at the toughest to fill position on the diamond. Scooter Gennett and Khris Davis have earned their Big League stripes and the staff does enough to get by. If K-Rod and the pen holds out nothing says we won’t see a replay of Harvey’s Wallbangers sans the Gorman Thomas moustache in October!

4. ATLANTA BRAVES- This is not your father’s Braves…in fact it’s fast becoming the Bizarro Braves where the back of the rotation is carrying a feeble offense with the help of a strong bullpen. It wasn’t supposed to be that way. The offense led by J. Upton/Freeman/Heyward/Gattis should better than 3^rd worst in the NL in Runs Scored. Bonifacio over B.J. Upton is kinda addition by subtraction, but doesn’t solve the problem of Chris Johnson and Andrelton Simmons dragging down the back end. If Teheran and Santana don’t wilt, 23 YO Alex Wood and Aaron Harang keep over-achieving and Bonifacio and the return of Gattis spark the lineup they could runoff a win streak to match the losing one they just came out of. A dangerous team, but we’ll stick with the more consistent Nats to win the East.

5. ST. LOUIS CARDINALS- Love the John Lackey move. Justin Masterson…uh…not so much. I always thought Masterson was a 2-pitch reliever type and now with less control than Courtney Love at an Open Bar he offers little, but it’s worth a shot for a team that’s had reclamation success before. Lackey shut down Milwaukee in his first start then got bombed by the Orioles. I think he’ll be good vs. the unfamiliar NL teams and if Michael Wacha and/or Yadier Molina can return the Red Birds could make a big final push.

A quick pallette cleanser and now for the…

 

6. PITTSBURGH PIRATES- This squadron could easily be as high as 4 or 5, but I just can’t believe in Vance Worley, Edison Volquez, Jeff Locke and Charlie Morton throwing meaningful October innings. Gerrit Cole is tearing up rehab and how he comes back will be critical. Oh yeah the Kirk Gibson drive by on Andrew McCutchen is troubling…especially when it forces Ike Davis into the cleanup spot…egads! Would’ve been nice to see Clint Hurdle and his staff get some help from management, but we all know how that goes on the banks of the Monongahela.

7-SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS- There’s Bumgarner/Hudson…Pence, Posey and Panda…otherwise everything else is falling apart by the Bay. But if Angel Pagan returns to form, if Ryan Vogelsong continues his 37 YO (who knew?) magic, if Brandon Belt gets healthy, if Adam “Lonesome Dove” Duvall provides a spark…well, if the Queen had balls she’d be King…but they are gritting it out and that’s something.

8. CINCINNATI REDS- Hey at least the Sabermetricians can’t blame Dusty Baker anymore. And maybe they were right since Bryan Price has done a marvelous job of keeping this club only 2.5 GB in the WC despite no Votto/Phillips and a middle relief crew shakier than a Yugo at 90 MPH. The key is a staff that is from top to bottom rock solid. That’s what has them with the best run differential in the NL after the Division leaders, but will it (plus Aroldis Chapman) be enough? Votto’s ESPN page is like Michelle Shocked’s new album…silent (http://www.rollingstone.com/music/news/michelle-shocked-releases-silent-album-names-songs-after-music-execs-20140729) on a timetable for his return, Phillips is still 7-10 days away, Alfredo Simon has pitched in 5 straight losing efforts and they just lost a game to Brad Penny, looking like a poor man’s Rick Rueschel, in Miami. None of this bodes, as they say, well.

9. MIAMI MARLINS- As we said before just having Giancarlo Stanton and Jose Fernandez alone makes one a WC contender in the forgiving NL. When Fernandez returns next year and how they flesh out the back of the staff, the pen and the infield will be telling. Suffice it to say Jordany Valdespin is not the answer, but the NL East could be fun in 2015 because…

10. NY METS- Yes Virginia the Mets can contend. Even with their young ace out all year and the bullpen a guessing game they’ve managed to play to a zero run differential. Matt Harvey’s return (farther along than Fernandez) and help at SS, closer and an OF corner could make them very viable for not just a WC, but 1^st in the East next year…well, you know, barring something Mets-ian happening in the interim.

11. SD PADRES- San Diego is only 7 GB in the WC. San Diego signed and is liberally using Jeff Francouer in the middle of their lineup. As the lady used to say one-eighth of a second after we finished drunkenly ordering at the all-night White Castle, “Next Please!”

So we’re gonna go Wainwright over Teheran in the Play-in Game. Then Dodgers over Cardinals, Nats over Brewers, Nats over Dodgers, Nats to the World Series, but hey, I’m not married to it…AL next then Football!

A Slice From Fred Exley's Liver (MLB Notes-End Of June)

OUR NEW WEBSITE IS http://www.bowltilithurts.com/ TAKE A LOOK...DON'T COST NUTHIN'  

 Due to increased page traffic over the last several weeks we have been picked up by the FanVsFan Network. In terms of full disclosure we should admit that the spike in page views was not driven by our snarky sarcasm, witty repartee or slightly obtuse take on the human condition, but rather German men clicking in to see a pic we posted of mammothly mammaried, Hamburg hottie Jordan Carver who is currently the biggest thing to come out of the Reich since Falco blitzkrieged MTV with his paean to pastry "Rock I'm A Danish"...wait, that was the title, right...anyway here's some quick observations on Sports and sundry other forms of entertainment so enjoy!

Duetschland Dazzler and Dewey Decimal Devotee (who knew?) Jordan Carver...

College Football: First up Sexy Sideline Strumpet and Tom-Peepee Erin Andrews has apparently not renewed her lease at ESPN for the 2012 CFB season. So let's all visit her this year at her new residence at FOX Sports-I'll bring the drill...In other CFB news the powers that be in that cesspool of greed have announced the BCS Championship Game will be replaced by a 4 team playoff system. So as 4 more teams (UMass, So. Alabama, UT-San Antonio & UT-San Marcos) push the total FBS (1-A) schools near the 130 mark thereby creating even more wildly disparate strength of skeds let the batlle over #4 vs, #5 (6,7,8...) begin!

Erin Andrews...what you thought those sixteen second sound bites with Nick Saban on the way to halftime landed her a 7-figure deal at FOX?

Pseudo-Sport: On July 4th Joey Chestnut won his unprecedented 6th straight Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Championship which made me wonder-is marijuana considered a Performance Enhancing Drug (PED) on the Professional Eating Circuit?...Nearly shit myself when I heard short term sensation Jeremy Lin of the Knicks had been offered $29M to sign with the Rockets. Is that a case of Lin-Continence?... And if you're craving football the CFL regular season kicked off this past weekend to give you that 110 yard gridiron fix you've been needing. Though it's hard to take seriously a professional league that for most of its existence had two teams named the Roughriders (Saskatchewan and Ottawa). Assuming one franchise came first who owned the other one, Raymond Babbitt-"Yeah definitely has to be Roughriders, gotta name the team Roughriders, definitely Roughriders". Me, I just like to watch until the first Rouge is scored http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Single_(football), but that's just me...

Maria Edible: a model who also competes on the Professional Eating Circuit where she is routinely photographed shoveling hot dogs into her mouth...or as I call her, Marketing Genius!

Pop Culture: Went to see Magic Mike last night. I actually thought it was a biopic of the Jew-Fro, harmonica guy from the J. Geils Band who did the bass voice on "Love Stinks". Turns out that was Magic Dick. Still it wasn't so bad since I used to be a Chippendale Dancer myself. I mean now I'm more of a Chip-A-Hoy Dancer, but things get away from us over time...RIP to Don Grandy who played Robbie on the classic sitcom My Three Sons. Distraught over lack of job offers police say he committed suicide by throwing a noose over his neck, tapping his foot 72 times on the chair and falling to his demise...Congrats to lard loving Celebrity Chef Paula Deen for dropping 30 pounds and lowering her cholesterol to 320. Considering Crisco has a reading of 310 it appears she might still have a ways to go...and finally enough already with Rocker Bob Seger ranting on Twitter about memorabilia stolen during a party thrown by his youngest daughter (he has two, ages 14 and 36). I'm sure you Feel Like A Number, guy, but it's time to just Turn The Page.

J. Geils Band harmonica-ist Magic Dick during his Freeze Frame/Centerfold prime...and just a heads up from experience, Google Image his name at your own risk.

MLB: Boston starter Aaron Cook's strikeout-less streak was snapped last week by Seattle's Chone Figgins at 12.2 innings dating back to last season. More addicted to wood than the heroine in Fifty Shades Of Grey after 4 starts this year his K/9 stands at 0.79 making seeing a Cook K an occurrence on par with, say, spotting a bald Native American. Sadly for those who like to partake in the occasional Caribbean Investment Cook is not scheduled to start against the lumber-laden Yankees this weekend...But at least Cook throws strikes unlike Royals starter Jonathan Sanchez who is acquainted with the strike zone like I am with the annual Victoria Secret Pool Party-I know it exists, I want to be there, but I not really doing anything to make that happen. At present Sanchez has walked 40 batters in 46 innings or 7.8 per nine IP, a figure that makes "Nuke" Laloosh look like Cliff Lee. With prospect Danny Duffy on the shelf till 2013 the current Royals staff of Bruce Chen, Luke Hochevar, Luis Mendoza, Everett Teaford and Sanchez is so weak that despite the fact the club could still be in contact of the #5 Wild Card spot through the end of July they should definitely be sellers at the trade deadline because with this crew as a post-motorcycle accident Bob Dylan once put it, "You Ain't-a Goin' Nowhere"...Odd Stat of June: During the month one pair of teammates combined for 34.2 innings of scoreless relief-Adams/Feliz? No. Downs/Frieri? No. Romo/Casilla? No. Camp/Marmol?Only kidding. Answer: TomWilhelmsen and Charlie Furbush (who by his surname suggests his parents weren't Brazilian). By the way they pitch for Seattle and it didn't help as the Mariners went 11-16 during the month...

When I Googled Charlie Furbush this appeared...still doesn't make up for Magic Dick...

Even in a long haul timing is important. I can still remember one whirlwind courtship that began with me, of all cynics, giving a girl one of those statues of a tow-headed child with his arms stretched wide over the saying, "I Love You THIS Much" after only the second date. Six months later it was re-gifted to me with the arms broken off. In other words it's good not to shoot your load too early (though that was a completely seperate issue in the relationship) and spread out your triumphs if you expect long-term success. The two biggest NL Division leading surprises of April/May were the Dodgers and Nationals, but as we move toward the Al-Star Break these clubs seem to be moving in opposite directions. Since May 30 the Nats have gone 19-11 and increased their NL East lead by 4 games while L.A. has gone 15-19 and given back 4 games even dropping out of first as recently as this past weekend. In the parity that is the National League almost every roster is made up of a couple of stars, a group of solid starters and assorted role players. The former group is expected to produce consistent success, the middle group average performance and the latter moments of production mixed with mediocrity. In the case of Washington the production has been spread nicely. Star players Stephen Strasburg, Jordan Zimmerman, Gio Gonzalez and Bryce Harper have all delivered the goods while pluggers Adam LaRoche, Danny Espinosa, Steve Lombardozzi and Rick Ankiel have provided varying degrees of steadiness. The key, however, has been Jesus Flores, Roger Bernadina, Ian Desmond and the relief trio of Clippard/Stammen/Burnett performing well overall or in spurts while expected producers Ryan Zimmerman, Michael Morse, Wilson Ramos and Drew Storen have been laid up or ineffective. Storen is due back shortly after the break and though Ramos is lost for the year Zimmerman and Morse are finally healthy and have raised their OPS over 100 points each in the last two weeks as Washington not only extended their division lead but took over the best record in the NL. The Dodgers, on the other hand, spent the last two weeks of June smoking a cigarette and trying to stay outta the wet spot. Over 12 games from June 19 to 30 they went 2-10 and averaged 1.2 runs per game while breaking a franchise record for scoreless innings set in 1962 before rules lowered the mound so that it no longer resembled a place of worship constructed by a Pre-Columbian Indian tribe. Problem is the Dodgers all went off at once. Stars Matt Kemp and Andre Ethier were otherwordly, as could be expected, from the start, but at the same time the Ellises, Mark & A.J., Jerry Hairston, Juan Rivera, Dee Gordon and Tony Gwynn, Jr. were all playing well over their heads and Chris Capuano/Aaron Harang were pitching like it was 2005. Now that Kemp/Ethier are on the DL and the pitching has dropped back a tick with Ted Lilly also laid up the Dodge-ballers could use some magic from the aforementioned group of roster fillers, but like David Copperfield's hold on Claudia Schiffer finally their magic is all used up. The Dodgers can't get back those extra runs they pounded folks with early and trying to plug holes with the aging likes of Bobby Abreu, Adam Kennedy and Matt Treanor hasn't done the trick. The futility of their NL West brethren has the Dodgers back in first, but for our money the Nats are the squad here to stay and the Dodgers will be the one scramblin' for the #5 slot come September. Now if Washington could just figure out what they're going to do about that Strasburg 160 IP limit...

Apparently this is Sarah from Hooters, a restaurant that I'm assuming does zero Take-Out business...

Thanks for your toleration and we'll be back after the All-Star Game though some might question why...