Happy? Not Since I Was Five

Here's the Guru-like gambling guesswork of a man who drafted Mat Latos in Fantasy...what could go wrong. We're playing Minnesota, Kansas City, Arizona, Toronto, Texas, Milwaukee and Oakland...Luck!

Parking In Tom Seaver's Spot

Hey, here's some MLB Picks today. YTD 3-3, +40...For today we'll go Yankees -108, Twins +134, Rangers +127...And now National Beer Day ends when I damn well want it to...Good night!

A Motel By The Water & A Quart Of Bombay Gin (AL Notes)

Is it just me or does this whole Ice Bucket Challenge thing sound like a nipple fetishist using people’s charitable nature to see girl’s in wet t-shirts?

In other news I know what with work, vacations, back-to-school shopping  you are busy people so as we did for the National League we have wrapped up the AL in a nice, neat package for you…and I gotta tell you, much like George Costanza’s imaginary addition on The Guggenheim, it really didn’t take that long…Enjoy!

AMERICAN LEAGUE (in power ranking order, playoffs below)

1. OAKLAND A’S- Without arguing specific examples on the whole a pitcher moving from the NL to the AL is kinda like the difference between picking up co-eds at the University of Vermont vs. the University of Texas. At the former the talent isn’t overwhelming and you can get by being quirky and cute; at the latter every chick can rake, so to speak, and you better bring the looks and a trust fund if you wanna make the cut. So when Oakland acquired Samardzjia and Hammel from the Cubs that was a solid move. When they acquired Jon Lester from Boston, however, they got a killer! He’s already 3-0 with a 1.98 FIP in 3 starts for them and he has 2 excellent playoff runs on his resume. The return of Josh Reddick has shored up the lineup and Josh Donaldson seems to be picking up the pace in August. Toss in the emergence of Sean Doolittle (12.65 K/9) as closer and some nice platoon pieces (Gomes, Jaso, Callaspo, Vogt) to balance the lineup and we believe they’ll hold off the Angels in the West.

2. DETROIT TIGERS- As the old LHP (loch-handed poet) Robert Burns wrote, “The best laid schemes o’ mice an’ men/Gang aft a-gley” which I believe is Scottish for “I burned the fuckin’ scones again!” The additions of David Price and Joakim Soria were supposed to make this staff unbeatable and rectify the bullpen respectively. Now Soria’s on the DL along with Anibal Sanchez, Justin Verlander has “multiple incidences of inflammation” in his shoulder and closer Joe Nathan is thinking of growing a Joba-esque beard so he can flip off fans with that under-the-chin gesture without drawing notice from the press. Where there’s Scherzer and Miggy there’s enough to get by, but if they don’t pull their scones out of the fire, in a manner of speaking, soon it will all be for waste.

Joey Nat keepin' it classy!

 

3. LA/ANAHEIM ANGELS- I worked with a beautiful blonde who would break up with a different guy every coupla months causing women in the break room to lament her luckless plight. Today, of course, she’s married with two kids in a McMansion and I’m, well, here…showing the difference between being a beautiful blonde and a snarky, shut-in. The Angels are like the beautiful blonde of MLB. They signed Pujols and he wasn’t their savior. They picked up C.J. Wilson, but the staff still floundered. They signed Josh Hamilton and he faltered out of the box. Meanwhile they just kept getting asked out until Prince Charming in the forms of Mike Trout and Garrett Richards made things right. The bats are, overall, tops in the AL, but the pitching shows cracks. Wilson has struggled in 3 starts back from the DL, Jered Weaver’s ERA/FIP/HR% have been rising and his WAR dropping every year since 2011, Tyler Skaggs has been Tommy John-ed and it seems like a heavy load for Garrett Richards to carry in his first year as a full-time MLB starter. They did, however, fix the pen with the addition of Huston Street. If they can win the division they can get multiple starts per series out of Richards. If they can’t it may be tough counting on the others to get enough outs to give Mike Trout and the bats a shot.

4. KC ROYALS- I look at this team like I do Mila Kunis. I’d never throw the Royals outta bed, but from a distance I’m really not as impressed with them as some folks. Their recent hot streak has brought out the bandwagon jumpers, but we’re going to stay true to what we thought back in April. This is a good team with a top-notch pen, an above average staff and a lineup that’s a bit too Mike Moustakas-y/Raul Ibanez-y for our taste. It’s not that they can’t hit. They’re mid-pack in Runs Scored (AL), but they are dead last in HRs, 14^th in SLG% and only 13^th in OBA meaning they have to string together a lot of hits to score. Not always easy against the top pitching they’ll face in the playoffs.  Danny Duffy benefits from a .229 BABIP, Jason Vargas has been lucky on HR/FB%, James Shields has a 5.00 ERA in the playoffs, Yordano Ventura’s father was a hamster and Billy Butler smells of elderberries…alright were just nit-picking at this point (though I think the last one is true). We like this club, we do, but more as a WC…we’ll see.

5. BALTIMORE ORIOLES- I feel like if I look up TACITURN in the dictionary I’ll see a picture of Buck Showalter. Maybe we should just be happy he’s managing and not boring us to tears on the Baseball Tonight desk. In the end I sometimes see him as a modern-day Gene Mauch ready to over-analyze a good thing into disaster. Truthfully, though, that’s not the case. In fact the Buckster has done a super job keeping this thing churning through injuries to Machado, Wieters, Jimenez and now Hardy and Machado again. Not to mention masterfully patient work in piecing together a decent pen and uncovering a quality closer out of the previously mediocre meanderings of Zach Britton. As long as Hardy and Machado are OK this team can slug their way deep into the postseason behind Nelson Cruz, Adam Jones and Chris Davis. If they had one lights-out starter instead of a staff of competent Energy-efficient Bulbs we’d like ‘em more. But hey the party’s at Boog’s BBQ when they clinch the East!

For Boog's sake let's pray there's a defibrillator on site!

 

6. TAMPA BAY RAYS- Alas this club dug too deep a hole for themselves, but even without David Price they are still solid. A staff of Cobb/Archer/Odorizzi/Smyly and a returning Mike Moore should keep them in the thick of things next year. But since they’re unlikely to add anyone significant what they do with Ben Zobrist’s option, how Wil Myer’s returns and the emergence or lack thereof of prospects like Tim Beckham, Enny Romero, Alex Colome and Hak-Ju Lee (gesundheit!) will determine their fate. Hats off to Joe Maddon, MLBs version of Sisyphus.

7. SEATTLE MARINERS-I don’t think Robinson Cano is married, but now he knows what it’s like to be divorced! By moving from NY to Seattle there’s no more questioning his intensity, demanding he run out every groundball, worries about his leadership, asking if his friends are more important than they are…er…OK, maybe not that last one, but you get the point. His BA is up slightly, his SLG% is down due to Park Factors, but his OBA hovers around the exalted .400 mark. The latter is due in part to this lineup being mostly Cano & Seager & a Whole Lotta Meager. Adding Austin Jackson was nice in that it gives the negative-valued Endy Chavez more bench time and Mike Zunino has been a pleasant surprise behind the dish. That said the usually productive spots of DH/1B have been a black hole of Kendry Morales, Logan Morrison, Corey Hart and Justin Smoak who have combined for a -3.0 WAR (yes, they’ve lost 3 games in the standings just by trotting them out there). On the other hand there’s always King Felix every 5^th day and backed up by Hisashi Iwakuma and the surprising Chris Young it’s been enough to keep them in the WC hunt. If prospect Taijuan Walker weren’t getting spanked around at AAA (5.46 FIP) we might feel better about this club. As it is we think they’ll just miss out to whoever finishes 2^nd in the Central.

8. TORONTO BLUE JAYS-  The Jays are like the Angels chunky little sister. There’s not anything wrong with them per se, it’s just that they can’t match up to the immediate competition. So while the Angels were able to throw money around and protect their Farm System the Jays were forced to “try harder” and trade away their prospects to accelerate the process of contention. Thus while the Angels wound up with Pujols/Hamilton/Wilson with a Trout/Richards kicker, the Jays answered with Reyes/Dickey/Buehrle and a Munenori Kawasaki kicker. Mix Mark Buehrle’s predictable 2^nd half slide with injuries to Encarnacion/Lind/Lawrie and it’s been a struggle with little help to patch the holes. On the bright side young RHPs Marcus Stroman and Drew Hutchison look legit so if the lineup stays together 2015 could be another good year in Hockeyville.

9. NEW YORK YANKEES- If we learned one thing from the movie The 40 Year Old Virgin it’s that you “gotta use your peripherals!” In analytic terms that means looking past the standard numbers to the true talent of a pitcher while siphoning out as much luck, good or bad, as possible. Yankees GM Brian Cashman spotted Brandon McCarthy near the trade deadline and did just that. In Arizona McCarthy was 3-10 with a 5.01 ERA, but his K/BB was a solid 7.41/1.64, his FIP was 3.81 and he was being done in by an unsightly 1 HR Allowed per every 5 Flyballs. Since switching to pinstripes B-Mac (I’m assuming) is 4-1 with a 2.21 ERA. Nice move by the Yankees, but they’ll still be sitting home in October.

10. CLEVELAND INDIANS- In 2012 then closer Chris Perez chastised Indians fans for not coming out in bigger numbers after a good early run for the Tribe.  As it turned out Cleveland lost 94 games that year proving that Wahoo fans are smart and Chris Perez should have spent less time on Twitter and more in finding out what his wife was putting into those funny smelling FEDEX packages. Since their last big run in 2007 Clevelanders have seen the same show from ownership. Spend just enough to be mildly competitive then close the purse strings and complain no one shows up. This year the Tribe came up with two bonafide studs in Corey Kluber and Michael Brantley. That pair plus Kipnis/Santana/Gomes/Chisenhall will keep the team at least break even, will ownership do what is necessary to really compete? Might be best to light up another Mrs. Perez Fatty and not think about it too much Northern Ohioans.

Well there's always Basketball season...

 

PLAYOFFS: Angels over Royals (WC Game), A’s over Tigers, Angels over O’s, A’s over Angels…World Series? Hey haven’t I done enough already…Nats/A’s…you decide.

As Tiny Purple Fishes Run Laughing Thru My Fingers (MLB Notes)

The NFL for lack of a better term is sexy. Now that it’s back with the start of preseason games MLB, despite its myriad of tight pennant races, takes a bit of a backseat.

To put it another way if the TV show Modern Family were a metaphor for sports MLB is Julie Bowen in something revealing and Sofia Vergara (NFL) just entered the scene. I guess this makes College Football the oldest daughter, but we can work out the logistics on that deal later…

Right now we want to trot out our thin and dirty (just how I like my women) version of the rest of the baseball season thru the World Series so we can kick off our indepth NFL/Fantasy coverage next week…So here’s what we got:

We’ll do this in a Power Rankings order then make our Playoff picks below…

NATIONAL LEAGUE

1. LA DODGERS- Solid rotation at the top in Kershaw/Greinke/Ryu, but after that it’s shaky even if Josh Beckett comes back. The offense is the same way with Puig playing a less dominant Kershaw. Their best shot is to shake San Fran so as to set up Kershaw for the most possible usage, but with Ramirez and Beckett on the DL and Puig resting his back it could be dicey. They still win the West.

2. WASHINGTON NATIONALS- Same boat as the Dodgers. Nobody has an OPS over .837, but the Big 3 of J. Zimmerman/Strasburg/Fister is tough. Gio Gonzalez though has turned into a train wreck and Asdrubal Cabrera is no replacement for the bat of Ryan Zimmerman. Fortunately Atlanta has tanked at just the right time for these guys and ESPN now has them as having the best odds to make the playoffs in the NL.

3. MILWAUKEE BREWERS- Everything about this team screams solid, not spectacular. In the NL that’s good enough. I already picked them to win the Central and I’ll stick by it. There’s no Kershaw or Puig, but Jonathan Lucroy is the best guy a lot of folks never heard of at the toughest to fill position on the diamond. Scooter Gennett and Khris Davis have earned their Big League stripes and the staff does enough to get by. If K-Rod and the pen holds out nothing says we won’t see a replay of Harvey’s Wallbangers sans the Gorman Thomas moustache in October!

4. ATLANTA BRAVES- This is not your father’s Braves…in fact it’s fast becoming the Bizarro Braves where the back of the rotation is carrying a feeble offense with the help of a strong bullpen. It wasn’t supposed to be that way. The offense led by J. Upton/Freeman/Heyward/Gattis should better than 3^rd worst in the NL in Runs Scored. Bonifacio over B.J. Upton is kinda addition by subtraction, but doesn’t solve the problem of Chris Johnson and Andrelton Simmons dragging down the back end. If Teheran and Santana don’t wilt, 23 YO Alex Wood and Aaron Harang keep over-achieving and Bonifacio and the return of Gattis spark the lineup they could runoff a win streak to match the losing one they just came out of. A dangerous team, but we’ll stick with the more consistent Nats to win the East.

5. ST. LOUIS CARDINALS- Love the John Lackey move. Justin Masterson…uh…not so much. I always thought Masterson was a 2-pitch reliever type and now with less control than Courtney Love at an Open Bar he offers little, but it’s worth a shot for a team that’s had reclamation success before. Lackey shut down Milwaukee in his first start then got bombed by the Orioles. I think he’ll be good vs. the unfamiliar NL teams and if Michael Wacha and/or Yadier Molina can return the Red Birds could make a big final push.

A quick pallette cleanser and now for the…

 

6. PITTSBURGH PIRATES- This squadron could easily be as high as 4 or 5, but I just can’t believe in Vance Worley, Edison Volquez, Jeff Locke and Charlie Morton throwing meaningful October innings. Gerrit Cole is tearing up rehab and how he comes back will be critical. Oh yeah the Kirk Gibson drive by on Andrew McCutchen is troubling…especially when it forces Ike Davis into the cleanup spot…egads! Would’ve been nice to see Clint Hurdle and his staff get some help from management, but we all know how that goes on the banks of the Monongahela.

7-SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS- There’s Bumgarner/Hudson…Pence, Posey and Panda…otherwise everything else is falling apart by the Bay. But if Angel Pagan returns to form, if Ryan Vogelsong continues his 37 YO (who knew?) magic, if Brandon Belt gets healthy, if Adam “Lonesome Dove” Duvall provides a spark…well, if the Queen had balls she’d be King…but they are gritting it out and that’s something.

8. CINCINNATI REDS- Hey at least the Sabermetricians can’t blame Dusty Baker anymore. And maybe they were right since Bryan Price has done a marvelous job of keeping this club only 2.5 GB in the WC despite no Votto/Phillips and a middle relief crew shakier than a Yugo at 90 MPH. The key is a staff that is from top to bottom rock solid. That’s what has them with the best run differential in the NL after the Division leaders, but will it (plus Aroldis Chapman) be enough? Votto’s ESPN page is like Michelle Shocked’s new album…silent (http://www.rollingstone.com/music/news/michelle-shocked-releases-silent-album-names-songs-after-music-execs-20140729) on a timetable for his return, Phillips is still 7-10 days away, Alfredo Simon has pitched in 5 straight losing efforts and they just lost a game to Brad Penny, looking like a poor man’s Rick Rueschel, in Miami. None of this bodes, as they say, well.

9. MIAMI MARLINS- As we said before just having Giancarlo Stanton and Jose Fernandez alone makes one a WC contender in the forgiving NL. When Fernandez returns next year and how they flesh out the back of the staff, the pen and the infield will be telling. Suffice it to say Jordany Valdespin is not the answer, but the NL East could be fun in 2015 because…

10. NY METS- Yes Virginia the Mets can contend. Even with their young ace out all year and the bullpen a guessing game they’ve managed to play to a zero run differential. Matt Harvey’s return (farther along than Fernandez) and help at SS, closer and an OF corner could make them very viable for not just a WC, but 1^st in the East next year…well, you know, barring something Mets-ian happening in the interim.

11. SD PADRES- San Diego is only 7 GB in the WC. San Diego signed and is liberally using Jeff Francouer in the middle of their lineup. As the lady used to say one-eighth of a second after we finished drunkenly ordering at the all-night White Castle, “Next Please!”

So we’re gonna go Wainwright over Teheran in the Play-in Game. Then Dodgers over Cardinals, Nats over Brewers, Nats over Dodgers, Nats to the World Series, but hey, I’m not married to it…AL next then Football!

Everybody Loves A Clown, Everybody Hates A Mime

    In response to tepid demand I felt it necessary to announce that like Monty Python's Norwegian Blue Parrot this blog is not dead, it's only sleeping...not to mention "pining for the fjords" , but that's neither here nor there. MLB stuff, maybe some old school wrestling and if nothing else hot girls in minimal clothes will hopefully be gracing these pages shortly. Oh what the Hell here's the latter and be sure to check back for more...

God Bless Us All, Everyone...

Oh, and Lenny Dykstra stuff up under "May 2011" heading at "The Dumbest Guy in the Room" and Redskin/RG3 stuff in December under "More Thieves and Liars". I've missed you guys...

Stealing Ed Kranepool's Soap

    So opening day saw Mike Pelfrey last four and a third, Reyes, Wright and Ike Davis go 0 for 11 and the Mets lineup bang out fewer hits than the post-"Turning Japanese" Vapors on their way to the first of what might be many lackluster losses.

    Tonight they'll turn to Jonathan Niese whose 9-10 record and 4.20 ERA in 2010 redefined bland for a generation that never saw Ron Hodges play. Oh yeah and the Yankees are already 2-0 so Mets fans should be able to safely curl up with the adjective "Long-Suffering" again in 2011 and perhaps well into the forseeable future.

    Meanwhile back at the Keystone Light can strewn hellhole I call a home I owe you the finale of my "Most Hated Mets" column...and one Hot Pocket belch later here it is:

6. George Foster ('82-'85)- After once being called upon to pinch-hit for an aging Willie Mays, Foster established himself in Cincinnati as a bonafide star in the late '70s. From 1976-81 he made 5 All Star teams, finished in the Top 6 in the MVP voting 4 times and after becoming the first player in 25 years to hit 50 HRs in 1977 caused me to throw out a shoulder in my haste to open the new package of Strat-o-Matic cards in the spring of '78. Unfortunately he was a past his prime slugger at 33 by the time he reached the Mets. Proof being his first year in the Big Apple when he slugged an anemic .367 which was surpassed by middle infielders Joel Youngblood, Wally Backman, Ron Gardenhire and even the virtually impotent Tom Veryzer (career SLG .294). Even more frustrating was his complete surrender in the face of right-handed breaking balls that left his chances against the likes of San Fran's Mike Krukow about as good as finding an Asian kid in Special Ed. Still considering he only cost the Mets Alex Trevino, a dimunitive catcher who actually reminded one of the sadly flailing Robert Deniro in Bang the Drum Slowly, it wasn't such a terrible run after all.

5. Steve Trachsel ('01-'06)- If Mike Hargrove was "The Human Rain Delay" this guy should've been dubbed "The Lost Weekend" (Ray Milland's finest role outside The Man with Two Heads, check it out). Fact is I've passed stones in the time he took between pitches and when he came to the Mets fresh off a combined 16-33 record the two years prior it made things in Flushing even more unwatchable than they already were. For better, or possibly worse from a fan's perspective, "Stevie Slow" turned out to be a quality innings eater for New York even churning out two 15+ win seasons during his stay. And more amazingly the Mets actually sold high dumping Trachsel in 2007 off a 15-8 campaign for RHP Rocky Cherry a name which now replaces 1960's folksinger Dusty Snatch atop the list of ill-advised female porn star names. His comps at Baseball Reference include Mike Morgan and Mike Moore who until seeing their individual statistical pages I was sure were the same guy throughout the late 80's/early 90's.

4. Dave Kingman ('75-'77, '81-'83)- The freest swinger this side of a 70's Key Party, "Kong" went deep more often than Wilt Chamberlain at The Bunny Ranch with the Mets even leading the league in HRs in 1982 with 37. Alas, he was the biggest one-trick pony since Clara Peller uttered "Where's the beef" either going yard or going nowhere in putting up sub-.300 OBPs throughout most of his tenure. After his 37 HR performance in '82 he slipped to a .183/.265/.383 line in '83 before being shipped off to Oakland where he infamously caused Susan B. Anthony to turn over in her grave (not to mention unleash a worthless coin upon us) when he protested women in the lockerrom by sending a female reporter a dead rat through the mail. And I'm the one who can't get a date?!?

3. Bobby Bonilla ('92-'95)- Most of the guys on this list were Good Guys in bad situations...Bobby Bo, not so much. Possesing all the charm of a Koran burning protest Bonilla fought with everyone in his path including the clubhouse attendant in Pittsburgh, reporters Art McFarland and Bob Klapisch in New York and even a scorekeeper who he called mid-game from a clubhouse phone to protest an error. It wasn't that he didn't produce for the Mets, posting a slugging percentage over .500 from '93 to '95, it that's people expected a much bigger bang for the buck. A buck that the Wilpon's will be paying off in $1.2 million increments every year until 2035...and they thought Bernie Madoff sucked them dry...

2. Kevin McReynolds ('87-'91, '94)- In his initial 5 year run at Shea K-Mac was good for approximately 25 HRs and 90 RBIs annually so it wasn't lack of production that earned him the scorn of Mets faithful. Instead it was the fact that McReynolds played the game with all the unbridled enthusiasm of a Steven Wright routine. Look up "zeal" in the dictionary and you'll see a picture of everyone else in the world but him. He brought to the game all the passion of Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley's marital bed and all the energy of a Cowboy Junkies/Crash Test Dummies double bill...alright perhaps I've over-referenced, but to call him indifferent would make George W. Bush's response to Katrina victims look heroic (for Republicans feel free to substitute Bill Clinton and Rwanda here-we are an apolitical site). Ultimately McReynolds came to epitomize the Mets teams for which he toiled. A group good, but forever just short of great who seemed to care a lot less about missing out on the big prize than their diehard fans.

1. Doug Sisk ('82-'87)- Truly a tragic case. Search the web and you can't find a bad word about Sisk from anyone who's actually met him. He currently works as a sports director for the Boys & Girls Club of Pierce County, Washington and frankly, except for a blip in 1985, his numbers range from adequate to impressive. Still there's just something about this guy that draws the ire of every Met fan even 20 years removed from him last taking the hill. My theory is that he burned too bright too fast teasing Met backers in 1983-84 by pitching over 180 innings at the age of 25-26 and posting an impressive sub-2.20 ERA while saving 26 games. Ultimately, though, a chronic lack of control would leave the Flushing Faithful with bluer balls than a Smurf in the Polar Bear Club. Leadoff walks, bases loaded walks, walking the pitcher Dougie did it all. Even in his best years he walked nearly twice as many batters as he struck out. This wasn't a problem when hitters were swinging at his natual sinker around their shoe tops and banging into double plays, but when the book on Sisk became, "Don't Swing", he was forced to elevate his pitches and bad things followed. By 1990 Sisk had become the face of the Mets inability to capitalize on their 1986 World Title. The vitriol got so bad that he was shipped to Baltimore for a bag of balls and a cracked Louisville Slugger that went by the name of Greg Talmantez (out of organized ball by 1992). In the end Sisk walked away with $1.4 million in earnings, a World Series ring and probably the ability to curse anyone in Pierce County Washington under the table from experience if he so chooses.

I'm sure there are plenty of truly awful, nasty Mets we forgot so feel free to share your least favorites in the comments section. And as we see on our 13-inch black and white it's time to celebrate as the Mets pull one out in extras. Woo-freakin'-hoo!

See the previous post-"Bad Stuff 'Bout Da Mets"-for #s 7-11 of this list. Hate on!

As the late, great Harry Caray once (or six times) put it, "Andre Dawson at the plate, he's hitting .268 with...whoa look at the cans on that one!" RIP good sir.