Some people can't help, but want to arrest their adolescence. We got an ugly taste of this recently when it was discovered that both aging ex-California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger and IMF Chief Dominique Strauss-Kline had taken enough runs at their hired help to make you believe if Mr. B turned his back for more than 30 seconds they'd have jumped Hazel like R. Kelly on a kindergartner.
Then just last weekend 79 year-old Joseph Brooks, the writer/director/producer and Oscar Award winning songwriter of the movie/tune You Light Up My Life, comitted suicide rather than face multiple charges that he lured aspiring, young actresses to his Manhattan apartment for phony auditions only to assault them sexually. Reports indicated that Brooks took his life through use of a "Helium Bag", a procedure he learned from mail-order books on methods of assisted suicide. Tomes whose very necessity begs the age old question-weren't there any tall buildings or speeding trains in his neighborhood?
Even sadder are accounts that halfway through the attempt Mr. Brooks may have changed his mind, but his cries for help from inside the gas-filled bag were ignored by neighbors who mistook his pleas for children watching Alvin and The Chipmunks-The Squee-quel.
So in other words you can't turn back time and when you try to things aren't always as good as you remember anyway. A case in point is pro wrestling. You Tube and other video sites are loaded with the matches and grappling stars of our youth, but like the myriad boyfriends of Renee Zellweger can attest what starts out attractive often gets less and less so the more time that goes by.
Simply put wrestling in the '70's and early '80's wasn't better than today, it was just different. Weekly TV shows were nothing more than squash-filled infomercials for main event house shows where the real money was made. And even there most of the moves were so bland (punches, stomps, armbars, headlocks) and the matches so predictable it was to today's pay-per-view extravaganzas what the "David Caruso Manual of Acting" is to a Lee Strasberg course.
Still the characters from those days, their mannerisms, catch-phrases and actions remain with me as vividly as the golden memory of my induction into the "Mile High Club"-I soloed. So in the style of our mildly popular "Seminal Sluts" series here's some insolent insights into those heroes of yesteryear.
1. Chief Jay Strongbow- It's one of the ironies of my life as an American that Indians have always seemed to get the best of me. They've handed me my ass at their casinos, lacrosse balls seem intuitively attracted to my testicular region and I swear until 2009 I thought Atlanta Braves mascot Chief Nocahoma was a reference to some pre-Columbian tribal leader and not a bad pun/play on words.
That notwithstanding Chief Jay Strongbow fooled me about as much as the extended warranty from Best Buy or the "can we see you for a second in the garage" radiator flush at Jiffy Lube. Wahoo McDaniel was a Native American (Choctaw-Chickasaw tribe), Tatanka was a Native American (Lakota tribe), but the closest Philadelphia's Joe Scarpa (real name) came to being an Indian was the two years his family lived in Cleveland when he was a teenager.
Still there is nothing quite so suspended as the disbelief of the average wrestling fan and thus all it took in the late 1950's was a dark complection and a stilted, monotone for Italian-American Scarpa to become the least likely Tribesman this side of the Borscht Belt comedians who portrayed The Hekawis on F Troop.
And by the late 60's/early 70's Chief Jay had established himself as a main event tag team competitor throughout the Northeast winning the WWWF belts on 4 seperate occasions with 3 different partners (Sonny King, Billy White Wolf and Jules Strongbow twice). Additionally, he so helped popularize the sleeper hold that he has been referenced along with the move in such diverse pop culture spheres as TV's Boston Legal and the Adam Sandler movie Big Daddy.
Alas all was not always Belts and Buffalo for the Big Chief. His famous "War Dance" comeback is often invoked as the inspiration that inflicted Hulk Hogan's "Hulking Up" routine on us so there were some regrets. He also hung around a bit too long, returning to the then WWF after his 50th birthday. There, under the booking of Vince McMahon, Jr., he became the butt of running jokes. My last impression of him being standing forlornly in a parking lot as "Captain Redneck" Dick Murdoch and Adrian Adonis ran down his Teepee with a pickup truck on an episode of Tuesday Night Titans while Strongbow stood by with a tear in his eye like someone had just thrown a sack of White Castle garbage at his feet on the side of the highway.
However, Chief Jay is still kicking today at age 83 and was inducted into the non-promotional Pro Wrestling Hall of Fame in Amsterdam, New York in 2009. He's no Rocky Balboa, but all in all not bad for an Italian immigrants' son from South Philly.
2. Mr. Wrestling II- In his prime Boston Red Sox great Ted Williams was tall, handsome, athletic and could hit a baseball like nobody's business hence the nickname "Teddy Ballgame". At age 37 pro wrestler Johnny "Rubberman" Walker was short, balding and going to fat so, without a second thought, the bumbling brains behind the business decided to hand him a mask and the moniker "Mr. Wrestling".
Of course there was already a Mr. Wrestling I portrayed by the much more likely candidate Tim Woods, a strapping 6 foot, 230 pounder who twice was named an NCAA All-American wrestler at Michigan State. But even after surviving the perilous plane crash that ended the career of legendary grappler Johnny Valentine and nearly beat the man before he even became the man by breaking the back of then rookie Ric Flair Woods was still magnanimous enough to share the Mr. W persona with Walker who he knew well from their then legendary Florida feud in 1970.
For several months that year Woods as Mr. Wrestling and Walker, then working as The Grappler, toured the Seminole Circuit battling over the princely sum of $500. An amount so ridiculously low it reminds me of the old Unicef boxes or Sally Struthers late-night Beg-A-Thons that claimed a nickel a week could feed a family of 4 in some drought-stricken African nation for an entire year. To which I used to say,"tell you what, here's a quarter buy that condo you've been looking at"; or better yet get Sally to give up a couple meals and you'll all be driving Mercedes in no time.
Throughout the mid-70's the pair worked together as a highly successful tag team before II began a main event singles run with Georgia Championship Wrestling. From 1973-80 he won the prestigious Georgia Heavyweight Title 10 times knocking off the likes of Nikolai Volkoff, Harley Race, Stan Hansen and Austin Idol with his patented "Million Dollar" Knee Lift a move so uninspiring it has gone the way of Travel Agents and African-American Third Baseman (where have you gone Charlie Hayes?) in today's Pro Wrestling game.
Today Walker runs a wrestling school in Hawaii that develops talent for a Don Muraco-led promotion in the Pacific. And even at age 75 he could no doubt take down this wise-ass wrestling blogger faster than Keith Olbermann at a Tea Party Rally so I'll conclude by saying best of luck to a man who truly earned the title "Mr. Wrestling".
Jimmy Carter & Wrestling II-If only the President had handled OPEC this forcefully.3. Ivan Putski- According to the Online World of Wrestling site Putski has to be the most popular wrestler ever to not win a singles title. Back in the mid-70's when Ivan came to the ring smiling ear-to-ear, carrying kids on his shoulder and speaking in broken English it was obvious he was a fan favorite with few peers. Nonetheless he was cast in a role that made him everything that Mickey Dolenz was not, that is a "stepping stone" for wrestlers on their way to title shots.
During his time in the WWWF the stocky, barrel chested Polish Power put over a list of challengers to Bruno Sammartino's crown that included but was not limited to Stan Hansen, Bobby Duncum, Bruiser Brody, Superstar Graham and Baron Von Raschke. Until finally as the '80's approached he could apparently take it no more.
He disappeared from TV for awhile, found a friendly HGH dealer and returned with a physique as shredded as pulled pork. Sadly though wrestling fans prefer their Polish wrestlers to be happy-go-lucky, kielbasa swinging, Bobby Vinton singing simpletons. Kinda like The Mighty Igor who was not the same guy for those still wondering.
Perhaps the saddest part of this tale is that from my extensive, albeit mostly inebriated, research it appears Putski is one of the sweetest guys to ever grace the squared circle. He's still alive today and was last seen working as a security guard at a High School outside Dallas where students would be best advised to carry a Hall Pass lest they be Polish Hammer-ed on the way to the bathroom. Nas Darovia!
4. Stan "The Man" Stasiak- One of my favorite Far Side cartoons features the heading "Parts Unknown High School Reunion" and depicts various masked men standing around a punch bowl with one saying, "...after graduation I got into wrestling..."
I guess I was always fascinated with how wrestlers in the era of the old style entrance (i.e.- no music, just name, weight, hometown) often tried to get across their gimmick with where they were supposedly from. My favorites included Cactus Jack from Truth or Consequences, New Mexico; Louis Cyr from the Wilds of the Yukon; The Hangman from Europe (they couldn't pin him down to a country even?); and Stan Stasiak from Buzzards Creek, Oregon.
The self-proclaimed master of another move that has gone into the attics of the ring game, the Heart Punch, Stasiak was the William Henry Harrison of the WWWF winning the title from Pedro Morales then dropping it 9 days later to Bruno Sammartino. A transition guy not unlike Gerald Ford only Stasiak took less bumps.
Additionally, he sported the nastiest pair of Mutton Chops this side of a Renaissance Fair and sired a second generation grappler in son Sean who had a run in the WWE as Meat under the management of the Pretty Mean Sisters (PMS, I know subtle), Terri Runnels and Ryan Shamrock. Sadly in one of the more ironic moments since they named the country's National Airport after Ronald Reagan, the man who fired en masse every air traffic controller, Stasiak died of heart failure. A champion and legit tough guy to the end.
Come to think of it I never actually saw Stan Stasiak and Chris Farley together...hmmm?!?5. Jimmy Valiant- In the 1960's Jimmy Valiant was known as "The Handsome One" with matinee idol looks and a pristine Babyface persona. By the time I began watching wrestling in the mid-70's, though, it appeared he had swallowed ZZ Top and his next legal manuever would be his first. He was still a Babyface, but he had morphed from "Handsome" Jimmy into the Grizzly Adams meets Gene Gene The Dancing Machine "Boogie Woogie Man" who never met an eye he wouldn't rake or crotch he wouldn't low blow.
It's said you know you've gotten old when kids stop laughing at you when you accidentally fall down and instead immediately call for an ambulance. And as we moved into the '80's I had Atlanta area EMTs on speed dial every time I watched Jimmy Valiant wrestle. With wild hair, long fingernails and chest-length beard the suddenly emaciated Boogie Woogie Man looked less like a threat in the ring and more like Howard Hughes sans the urine jars.
Still manager Paul Jones threw every member of his "Army" short of Seal Team 6 at Valiant during this period, including Shaska Whately, The Barbarian, Warlord, Manny Fernandez, Teijo Khan and assorted Russians, but couldn't take the Boogie Man down.
The most memorable moment, though, of this long-running feud had to be when "Raging Bull" Manny Fernandez turned on his former tag partner and joined Jones' Army. Georgia Championship Wrestling then ran a vignette where Valiant was seen sitting in an alley amidst empty beer cans playing the blues on a harmonica. Unsurprised to see a camera crew a teary-eyed Boogie looks into the lens
and asks his former friend to reconsider by imploring, "...but we were in 'Nam together, man!"
Now I've been willing to overlook a lot of things in my time watching wrestling, from the idea that Toru Tanaka was a Professor to Bam Bam Bigelow carrying The Communist Manifesto to the ring in WCCW when they ran short of Soviets, but Jimmy Valiant was in Vietnam like I was first man off the boat at Anzio.
Ultimately, time took care of what Paul Jones' Army could not. Aged hard by the rigors of the road the breakup of the regional teritories left Valiant without a home. Sporting a 2 foot braided beard, ass-length bleached blonde hair and a repetoire of dance moves that could make Elaine Benes look like Hines Ward the Boogie Man did the only thing he could and opened a wrestling school in North Carolina where he continues to train youngsters to this day. A man made for the business keep on workin' it "Mr. Willy Willy Billy Billy"!
6. Abdullah The Butcher- According to the World Health Organization website if Abdullah the Butcher was, as billed, from Khartoum he would be by far the fattest man to ever come from the Sudan. At somewhere in the area of 500 pounds his flapping, chafing Man Breasts were a consistent reminder that as I got older my one and only fitness goal was not to get tits.
In actuality Larry Shreve (real name) is from Topeka or Montreal depending on which website you believe, but that not withstanding his "Wildman From The Sudan" gimmick will go down as one of the best the business has ever known. And his feuds with Bruiser Brody in World Class, Puerto Rico and Japan are the stuff of legend. Well worth the computer time if you've never seen them.
Like Brody and The Shiek of Detroit Wrestling fame Abby's game was built on giving the people what they want...and what they wanted was blood. The Butcher bladed his forehead so often throughout his career that Mick Foley reported in his memoir Have A Nice Day that Abby could hold coins and poker chips in the deep scars on his forehead which I guess is cooler than having a velcro wallet.
The only problem is with his dark skin tone and shaved head the blood Abdullah produced never seemed to be that profuse unlike...
7. Tommy "Wildfire" Rich- ...the man who I believe inspired Gordon Solie's famous cry of "his face is a Crimson Mask". You see red on white produces a much better visual effect and Tommy Rich wasn't just pale, he was translucent. He could make WWE star Seamus look like George Hamilton. At the beach there wasn't an SPF high enough short of mayonaise. Add in bone white bleach blonde hair and it's no wonder Rich was often captioned in pro wrestling mags as "bleeding like a stuck pig".
A huge fan favorite in Georgia Rich won basically every title there was in the Mid-Atlantic/Georgia/Florida territories. We're also happy to add the immense blood loss had no ill effects and you can find Wildfire happily posing with his wife on his FaceBook page still just a shaving nick away from a Hemophilia PSA.
Abdullah and Tommy Rich doing what they do best...and that guy in the white hat doing God knows what?!?I literally can't type anymore so maybe we'll get to Magnum T.A., The Great Kabuki, Kamala and Sgt. Slaughter some other time. If there are any other old school stars you'd like to see profiled leave a comment. In the meantime remember the site's on FaceBook and at "sprtcom102" on Twitter and as soon as we figure out where the "Source Code" bar is on this freakin' site we'll put up the links. I honestly hate everything...good night!
