For even against the incredibly low moral bar set by his peer group Dykstra may ultimately be the worst person in the history of sports. Sure O.J. might have turned Nicole Brown into a cadaverous Pez dispenser, an anatomy challenged Rae Carruth did try to abort his unborn child by shooting his girlfriend in the face, drug lord wannabe "Bam" Morris pushed more herb than Emeril-which might explain his nickname come to think of it-and Lawrence Phillips is serving 10 to 15 for attempting to run down a teenage flag football referee with his SUV (in his defense we didn't see the call), but by the time they're finished tallying "Lootin'" Lenny's mounting list of felonies it seems they'll make these indiscretions seem no worse than my misdemeanor for drunkenly peeing on the Grassy Knoll at Dealey Plaza while declaring myself the "Second Shooter".
In fact the mere thought that Dykstra has usurped the title of "Biggest Criminal on the 1986 Mets" of Strawberry, Gooden, Backman and McDowell fame is frightening enough. Kinda like being the nuttiest kid on Growing Pains, though in Tracey Gold and Andrew "Boner" Koenig's defense I might have stuck a finger down my throat or gun to my head had I had to listen to Kirk Cameron's puzzlingly pious proselytizing for 6 seasons as well.
Rather than ramble on though let's look at a timeline of the dirty deeds of this delinquent of the diamond, a collection that I think you'll agree could almost make Michael Vick look like St. Francis of Assisi:
1991: Drunk Driving. Ah yes the "Gateway Crime" for our ballin' bad boys. Lenny left John Kruk's bachelor party at 1 A.M. on May 7th and promptly wrapped his Mercedes, himself and passenger Darren Daulton around an oak tree in Radnor, PA resulting in numerous injuries and a breathalyzer reading of .179 or more than twice the legal limit which prompted many a sports fan to wonder..."someone is actually marrying John Kruk?" Years later when asked if he'd lost money in any of Dykstra's failed business ventures the aforementioned Daulton, who has written a book on Numerology and told sports radio listeners he believes in the Mayan prophecy of the world ending in 2012, responded- "what am I f---ing crazy?"
1992: Lenny "tilts" worse than Mike Matusow getting "rivered" in the Tower of Pisa during a weekend poker session losing $88,000 to a Mississippi gambler and winds up with a year's probation from Commissioner Fay Vincent upon discovery of the incident.
1999: Retired and owner of a string of successful car washes the then married Dykstra propositions a 17 year old employee. The subsequent sexual harassment suit is settled out of court and somewhere Luis Polonia lamented the loss of another potential Date Night "go-to" couple.
2003: The Len-Man enters the stock touting game. Considering he once told Billy Beane he stopped reading in High School because it was bad for his batting eye it's hard to see him pouring over Quarterly Reports and Balance Sheets with any diligence. Yet his website claims fantastic returns and Jim Cramer "boo-yahs" him into a Guest Analyst spot on the TheStreet.com while declaring him a "financial genius" which no doubt made the likes of Warren Buffett and Steve Forbes feel considerably de-valued. Later it would be discovered that Dykstra's claim of having a 100% success rate on the stocks in his online portfolio was due to the fact that he only "sold" equities out of that portfolio that increased in value. All the losers rolled over month after month waiting for a turnaround at which point, if it ever came, Lenny would sell and declare another winner. Kinda the way I still consider that stash of Dave Magadan rookie cards a potential asset when calculating my net value.
And before we move on let me take a moment to provide a public service warning by espousing my theory on any ex-athlete that gets into high profile sales. In short I find it analogous to the married guy who's at the gym working out 6 days a week. You just know he's up to something. I mean the game's over, guy, take off the uniform. And when they can't it's best to keep yourself and your money as far away as possible.
2006: With the car wash business falling apart faster than the plot of '70's porn film Dykstra partner Lindsay Jones goes public with allegations that Lenny used steroids in the '90's and advised him when to bet on the Phillies with the winnings serving as payment for loans. Dykstra immediately denies the steroid allegations only...
2007: ...to find himself included prominently in the Mitchell Report whose claims he refutes only...
2007: ...to be featured one week later in the Jason Grimsley affadavit on sales of steriods to MLB players.
2008: Undaunted, in the first half of the year, Dykstra launches plans for a high-end magazine aimed at the needs of professional athletes called Player's Club, opens up Nails Investments, a financial planning company that frankly sounds like a Korean money laundering scheme, and buys Wayne Gretzky's mansion for $18 million with loans from Countrywide and Washington Mutual, a literal Who's Who of the Sub-Prime Mortgage disaster. Then on September 18 the stock market goes into it's worst tailspin since the Great Depression and the Dykstra empire slides into the biggest spiral this side of the day ABC decides to move Cougar Town from it's post-Modern Family timeslot.
2009: After having $58 million in assets in 2008 Lenny files for bankruptcy claiming less the $50K in the black and over $25 million in the red. His wife files for divorce, he is charged with credit card fraud, gets barred from his properties and in the harshest sibling treatment this side of Abel and the Unabomber (who, with new reports surfacing that big bro wants the FBI to look at him for the 1980's Tylenol Poisoning case, has been "fingered" by his brother as often as an Appalachian Beauty Queen) Lenny's brother's go on record in the press as saying he "deserves to pay" and should do jail time.
2010: Lenny meets the girl of my dreams, an escort who agrees to take a check (I knew she was out there), named Monica Foster. When the check bounces Foster posts it on the Web and pleads with the Internet community to help her gain restitution. After the laughter subsides LD gets charged with sexual assault on his housekeeper which combined with his bankruptcy proceedings qualified him to be either a guest of the State of California at San Quentin or Chief of the International Monetary Fund depending on available openings.
2011 "Nails" is nailed again in California on charges of possesion of cocaine and ecstasy. At his arraignment the judge labels him a "drugged up danger" which in a strange twist just happens to be the vanity license plates issued to Courtney Love. When the destitute Dykstra can't go his bail rumors swirl that more successful mess Charlie Sheen comes to his aid. Though Sheen's publicist denies the charge the self-proclaimed "Rock Star from Mars" does tweet, "my dear friend Nails is a fellow Vatican Assasin and his best friend is a Warlock!" Not the type of stuff you want coming up at your parole hearing, but thoughtful just the same.
And so here is the point where I'm supposed to rant about how Lenny Dykstra's sordid situation proves that we're all idiots for wasting our time, emotions and hard-earned money on moral reprobates who care not one wit about the conventions of society or the people who worship them and/or the games they play, but in fact this story, I believe, has proved the opposite. Dykstra very well may be the worst person to ever play professional sports, but, steroid allegations aside, we did like and respect him as a ballplayer because he was successful in a world governed by hard and fast rules where over time winners and losers are proven fairly and equivocally. In the real world this happens, not so much. BS, lying, back stabbing, ass kissing, nepotism, who you are and not what you are all factor into the equation. And in that environment Lenny Dykstra, but for his overwhelming greed, nearly pulled off the con job of the century. So watch your sports, play in a Rec league, beat up the video games and for an hour or two win or lose on your own merit because tomorrow some humorless, functional illiterate, substance abusing, womanizer is sure to be trying to get his hand in your pocket...and, believe me, not in the good way.
The face of a "Financial Genius"And don't forget we're on Facebook @ http://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/pages/Bowling-Til-It-Hurts/144323018970626 or Twitter at "sprtcom102". It may not be "good" for you, but when you look back on the best times of your life which one of them really was.
