It's always the hot girl with some horse's ass...
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Delving The Depths Of My Shallowness
Because you crazy kids have been there for me throughout this crusade to change the Blogosphere twelve angry ounces at a time it is with joy in my heart and Tiger Blood in my urine that I announce the launch of a Bowling Til'It Hurts Facebook page dedicated to this the only true written word sports humor blog on the internet- or in other words no videos yet as my technological ineptitude knows no bounds. So one man, one blog and one thousand Pabst Blue Ribbon empties later here's the link http://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/pages/Bowling-Til-It-Hurts/144323018970626 Just hit the "Like" button and you'll be instantly updated as to my frighteningly depraved thoughts, inebriated ramblings and flesh crawling crying jags...it's like being one of my ex-girlfriends when the bars close. And please check back Saturday for Part 3 of our 4 part tribute to the History of Harpies in Pro Wrestling.
It's always the hot girl with some horse's ass...
It's always the hot girl with some horse's ass...
Saturday, April 16, 2011
A Carnal Chronicle Of Cleavage; Or Seminal Sluts Redux
Sorry for the delay on this post, but tax deadlines reared their ugly heads. If this excuse is not acceptable please feel free to flip over to Willie Nelson's Blog this time next year as I don't believe he allows himself to be burdened by such trivialities. Now back to our sociological study of sluttiness.
If my dating life, such as it is (was?), has taught me anything it's that the best way to extend the life of most endeavors is to start by setting the bar way down low. If you can survive the Drive Thru at White Castle suddenly appetizers at Applebee's is looking like Foie Gras at the Waldorf.
Fortunately for Diva-dom the pioneers of our previous post (Sunshine, Precious, et.al.) left plenty of room for growth. And between the expansion of cable TV, Vince McMahon's marketing acumen and advancements in breast augmentation by the late 80's the tawdry acorn had begun to sprout into the sleazy oak.
Syndicated TV, over the top characters and the WWF's promotion machine spurred Pro Wrestling into the entertainment mainstream and began attracting a higher class of harlot who had long been trapped in a too good for porn/too trashy for catalog modeling conundrum. We're still a safe distance from the super-model in tights phase, but unlike Hitler's early 1920's "National Socialist Bird Watching Society" this group is moving in a more positive direction.
1. Misty Blue Simmes- How bad was the state of women's wrestling in the 1980's? Consider that in her very first match the reasonably attractive Miss Simmes was handed not one, but two titles as promoters grasped at any straw to save this fast sinking sphere of their psuedo-sport. Prior to Simmes arrival on the scene this area was dominated by two types- the fat and aging as represented by the Fabulous Moolah and Judy Martin or emaciated platinum blondes who appeared to step directly from a Double-Wide to the ring with a slug of Boone's Farm for courage along the way as manifested in Debbie Coombs and Candi Devine. With sort of a Pat Benatar meets Morgan Fairchild look Misty Blue was light years beyond the Moolah group and a step up from Coombs/Devine. Problem was with the competition so lean and regionalized it was hard to find a place to settle and women to do the job often enough to build Simmes into anything more than a "One and Done" distraction in any territory. According to her won/lost record at OWW she wrestled female jobber Kat LeRoux so often it's a miracle she didn't contract Feline Aids and she was further hindered by mic work that could make Marcel Marceau look like Jimmy "Mouth of The South" Hart. After working the ill-advised LPWA for two years without being paid she decided to chuck wrestling for other endeavors which include working as a bodyguard for the Prime Minister of Pakistan in 1991 (sounds like they run a tight ship over there) and developing a stand-up routine with her husband in the 2000's.
Stylist: What can I do for you? Misty Blue: Gimme the Leather Tuscadero look, please.
2. Dark Journey- The Rosa Parks of wrestling. DJ is credited as being the trailblazer for women of color in the business as noted at BlackRasslin.com, a website that by its very name has done more to undermine the African-American experience in pro wrestling than a Tony Atlas interview and the One Man Gang's "Akeem the African Dream" persona combined. She was discovered as a teenage stripper by "Dirty" Dick Slater, who would later be shot in a bar brawl by Wahoo McDaniel and spend a year in jail for stabbing a girlfriend, so the fact that she survived to run a successful boutique in Los Angeles is a success story by itself. Her most notable feud was with Missy Hyatt (see below) where she legit chipped Hyatt's tooth, pulled out clumps of her hair and broke two of Missy's toes and her thumb. In retaliation Hyatt referred to Journey as a "cocaine-addicted bitch" on the weekly Mid-South TV show. And regional promoters wonder how Vince McMahon stole the "family viewing audience" from them in the mid-80's...hmmm.
3. "Sensational" Sherri Martel- If you need an idea how seamy was the underbelly of the wrestling biz in the 1980's think about this: by the time she was 19 Sherri Martel was a married and divorced single mom living off food stamps and stripping in a trailer park in Louisiana. She then took up wrestling which allowed her to travel around the world, be profiled with Randy Savage on Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous and earn millions of dollars. Yet her mother barred all wrestlers from Sherri's 2007 funeral blaming her daughter's death from alcohol and drug abuse on the world of Sports-Entertainment. And considering the number of wrestlers who have died from similiar circumstances before reaching their 50th birthday it's actually hard to argue with her.
For the record the Sensational One died in June of '07 from an overdose after lying for three depressed months on her mother's couch in Birmingham, Alabama like the protagonist in Fred Exley's A Fan's Notes. But like Chandra Levy her death was mostly forgotten when the 9/11 of the wrestling world, the Chris Benoit murder/suicide, occurred one week later. That was unfortunate for her legacy since there was little time to dwell on what was, by any standard, a fine career highlighted by her role in one of the Top 20 greatest matches of all-time, an AWA blade-fest between the Midnight Rockers (Marty Janetty and Shawn Michaels) and the Martel managed "Playboy" Buddy Rose and "Pretty Boy" Doug Somers in which even Sherri's full length white dress was soaked in blood.
In addition, Martel held pretty much every women's title of any significance during her career, managed several tag team champions and was a "honoree" of the presitigious Cauliflower Alley Club as early as 1994. Not bad for a woman who was kicked out of Fabulous Moolah's Wrestling School for drinking/drugging. A feat that ranks with drummer Steven Adler's bouncing from Guns & Roses under the heading "You May Have A Serious Problem". RIP.
With Ted DiBiase looking like, well, a million bucks...
4. Baby Doll (Nickla Roberts)- When your bio lists you as a "High School State Shot Put Champion" the reader is no doubt bound to conjure up images of meaty East German women with enough chin hair to qualify as the 4th Little Pig. So when Nickla Roberts began her career managing "The Half-Breed Heathrob" Gino Hernandez as Andrea the Giant, an early version of Chyna, it seemed perfectly plausible. When she showed up in Crockett Promotions managing Tully Blanchard as Baby Doll-The Perfect 10 it was...well let's just say I had an easier time believing Buddy Rose weighed 217 pounds or Baron Mikel Scicluna owned half of Malta.
Not that Roberts didn't have a bit of a sexy full-figured thing going on like, say, the woman who hosts The Biggest Loser. It's just that at her best she was no more than a 6/drunken 7 and like a chubby cheeked yet curvaceous Delta Burke in HBO's First & 10 you knew she was a Krispy Kreme or quart of Haagen-Dazs from going all to pieces.
Still you can credit Roberts with at least being true to her heart when in 1986 she married wrestler Sam Houston despite warnings she'd be fired by the Crocketts if she did. Even worse they shipped her to the dying Central States Wrestling region out of St. Louis where she probably got to witness Harley Race win the NWA Title for the 27th or 28th time (who could keep count) before drifting out of the business by the 90's.
According to various online sources she is divorced from Houston, currently works as a security guard at Wal-Mart and is dating "some guy named Timber". Not exactly comparably to the fate of Bo Derek, but for a fleeting moment at least they had one thing in common.
Ah yes, spandex with a belt, it's gotta be the '80s!
5. Missy Hyatt- The self-proclaimed "First Lady of Professional Wrestling"; let's just say Bess Truman or Mamie Eisenhower she's not. She has a degree in Psychology from Marymount College, but it didn't take 4 years of studying Freud and Jung for her to figure out how the male mind functions. With billowing bleach blonde hair, bulbous breast implants and a wardrode of tops and skirts that could double as dinner napkins Hyatt was, from an early age, all about giving the boys what they want.
The first of many wrestlers to get what she was offering was "Hollywood" John Tatum who she began dating in 1985. Next thing you know Missy's star was on the rise courtesy of a lascivious "Mud Pit Match" with Sunshine at WCCWs annual Texas Stadium show. When Tatum's career did not similiarly take off Hyatt moved on to "Hot Stuff" Eddie Gilbert and the Universal Wrestling Federation in 1987.
There she began building a reputation on the kind of Diva work we know so well today- cacophonous quantities of cleavage, erotic entrances and plenty of good old fashion clothes ripping cat-fights. Soon Vince McMahon came calling asking her to replace "Piper's Pit" with a segment called "Missy's Manor", but in an effort that could make JaMarcus Russell and Michael Myers' "Cat in The Hat" avert their eyes Hyatt botched the sure thing and the potential dawning of the Divas Division sadly gave way instead to "Adorable" Adrian Adonis' Flower Shop.
Ultimately Vince would offer her a job as a WWF Dancer which she refused calling the position "beneath her". Considering she'd wrestled in mud, been spanked by Lance Von Erich and dated actor Jason Hervey (The Wonder Years), 9 years her junior, when he was still in high school these were tough words indeed. For her troubles Hyatt was hired by WCW where in 1993 she entered the offices to find a blownup pic of her topless adorning the wall. She protested and in the worst business move since the guy who ran the Credit Default Swap desk at AIG Eric Bischoff fired her. One lawsuit and out of court settlement later Missy moved on to ECW and WCW moved on to bankruptcy proceedings.
In ECW Hyatt was infamously front and center in the Paul Varelans-Taz "Shoot Fight" incident where MMA fighter Varelans agreed to tap out to Taz in exchange for fellatio from the "First Lady". When Varelans did his "job", but Missy did not reciprocate in kind he tore up the dressing room in a fit of anger to which I say, get over yourself. I mean if I had a dollar for every time...
Anyway today Hyatt along with other 40-plus valets/wrestlers like Tammy "Sunny" Sytch and Malia Hosaka appear semi-nude on her website "Wrestling Vixxxxens" whose ridiculously superflous spelling reminds me of those beer-bellied, rec league softball players who think wearing number 69 is somehow clever. Nonetheless she took the genre to a new level and for that horny teenagers everywhere are grateful.
Missy Hyatt: a woman who gave new meaning to the wrestling phrase "jobber".
We know, we know Miss Elizabeth is coming in the next post plus Woman, Chyna and the frankly frightening Luna Vachon. Check back before Easter.
If my dating life, such as it is (was?), has taught me anything it's that the best way to extend the life of most endeavors is to start by setting the bar way down low. If you can survive the Drive Thru at White Castle suddenly appetizers at Applebee's is looking like Foie Gras at the Waldorf.
Fortunately for Diva-dom the pioneers of our previous post (Sunshine, Precious, et.al.) left plenty of room for growth. And between the expansion of cable TV, Vince McMahon's marketing acumen and advancements in breast augmentation by the late 80's the tawdry acorn had begun to sprout into the sleazy oak.
Syndicated TV, over the top characters and the WWF's promotion machine spurred Pro Wrestling into the entertainment mainstream and began attracting a higher class of harlot who had long been trapped in a too good for porn/too trashy for catalog modeling conundrum. We're still a safe distance from the super-model in tights phase, but unlike Hitler's early 1920's "National Socialist Bird Watching Society" this group is moving in a more positive direction.
1. Misty Blue Simmes- How bad was the state of women's wrestling in the 1980's? Consider that in her very first match the reasonably attractive Miss Simmes was handed not one, but two titles as promoters grasped at any straw to save this fast sinking sphere of their psuedo-sport. Prior to Simmes arrival on the scene this area was dominated by two types- the fat and aging as represented by the Fabulous Moolah and Judy Martin or emaciated platinum blondes who appeared to step directly from a Double-Wide to the ring with a slug of Boone's Farm for courage along the way as manifested in Debbie Coombs and Candi Devine. With sort of a Pat Benatar meets Morgan Fairchild look Misty Blue was light years beyond the Moolah group and a step up from Coombs/Devine. Problem was with the competition so lean and regionalized it was hard to find a place to settle and women to do the job often enough to build Simmes into anything more than a "One and Done" distraction in any territory. According to her won/lost record at OWW she wrestled female jobber Kat LeRoux so often it's a miracle she didn't contract Feline Aids and she was further hindered by mic work that could make Marcel Marceau look like Jimmy "Mouth of The South" Hart. After working the ill-advised LPWA for two years without being paid she decided to chuck wrestling for other endeavors which include working as a bodyguard for the Prime Minister of Pakistan in 1991 (sounds like they run a tight ship over there) and developing a stand-up routine with her husband in the 2000's.
Stylist: What can I do for you? Misty Blue: Gimme the Leather Tuscadero look, please.2. Dark Journey- The Rosa Parks of wrestling. DJ is credited as being the trailblazer for women of color in the business as noted at BlackRasslin.com, a website that by its very name has done more to undermine the African-American experience in pro wrestling than a Tony Atlas interview and the One Man Gang's "Akeem the African Dream" persona combined. She was discovered as a teenage stripper by "Dirty" Dick Slater, who would later be shot in a bar brawl by Wahoo McDaniel and spend a year in jail for stabbing a girlfriend, so the fact that she survived to run a successful boutique in Los Angeles is a success story by itself. Her most notable feud was with Missy Hyatt (see below) where she legit chipped Hyatt's tooth, pulled out clumps of her hair and broke two of Missy's toes and her thumb. In retaliation Hyatt referred to Journey as a "cocaine-addicted bitch" on the weekly Mid-South TV show. And regional promoters wonder how Vince McMahon stole the "family viewing audience" from them in the mid-80's...hmmm.
3. "Sensational" Sherri Martel- If you need an idea how seamy was the underbelly of the wrestling biz in the 1980's think about this: by the time she was 19 Sherri Martel was a married and divorced single mom living off food stamps and stripping in a trailer park in Louisiana. She then took up wrestling which allowed her to travel around the world, be profiled with Randy Savage on Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous and earn millions of dollars. Yet her mother barred all wrestlers from Sherri's 2007 funeral blaming her daughter's death from alcohol and drug abuse on the world of Sports-Entertainment. And considering the number of wrestlers who have died from similiar circumstances before reaching their 50th birthday it's actually hard to argue with her.
For the record the Sensational One died in June of '07 from an overdose after lying for three depressed months on her mother's couch in Birmingham, Alabama like the protagonist in Fred Exley's A Fan's Notes. But like Chandra Levy her death was mostly forgotten when the 9/11 of the wrestling world, the Chris Benoit murder/suicide, occurred one week later. That was unfortunate for her legacy since there was little time to dwell on what was, by any standard, a fine career highlighted by her role in one of the Top 20 greatest matches of all-time, an AWA blade-fest between the Midnight Rockers (Marty Janetty and Shawn Michaels) and the Martel managed "Playboy" Buddy Rose and "Pretty Boy" Doug Somers in which even Sherri's full length white dress was soaked in blood.
In addition, Martel held pretty much every women's title of any significance during her career, managed several tag team champions and was a "honoree" of the presitigious Cauliflower Alley Club as early as 1994. Not bad for a woman who was kicked out of Fabulous Moolah's Wrestling School for drinking/drugging. A feat that ranks with drummer Steven Adler's bouncing from Guns & Roses under the heading "You May Have A Serious Problem". RIP.
With Ted DiBiase looking like, well, a million bucks...4. Baby Doll (Nickla Roberts)- When your bio lists you as a "High School State Shot Put Champion" the reader is no doubt bound to conjure up images of meaty East German women with enough chin hair to qualify as the 4th Little Pig. So when Nickla Roberts began her career managing "The Half-Breed Heathrob" Gino Hernandez as Andrea the Giant, an early version of Chyna, it seemed perfectly plausible. When she showed up in Crockett Promotions managing Tully Blanchard as Baby Doll-The Perfect 10 it was...well let's just say I had an easier time believing Buddy Rose weighed 217 pounds or Baron Mikel Scicluna owned half of Malta.
Not that Roberts didn't have a bit of a sexy full-figured thing going on like, say, the woman who hosts The Biggest Loser. It's just that at her best she was no more than a 6/drunken 7 and like a chubby cheeked yet curvaceous Delta Burke in HBO's First & 10 you knew she was a Krispy Kreme or quart of Haagen-Dazs from going all to pieces.
Still you can credit Roberts with at least being true to her heart when in 1986 she married wrestler Sam Houston despite warnings she'd be fired by the Crocketts if she did. Even worse they shipped her to the dying Central States Wrestling region out of St. Louis where she probably got to witness Harley Race win the NWA Title for the 27th or 28th time (who could keep count) before drifting out of the business by the 90's.
According to various online sources she is divorced from Houston, currently works as a security guard at Wal-Mart and is dating "some guy named Timber". Not exactly comparably to the fate of Bo Derek, but for a fleeting moment at least they had one thing in common.
Ah yes, spandex with a belt, it's gotta be the '80s!5. Missy Hyatt- The self-proclaimed "First Lady of Professional Wrestling"; let's just say Bess Truman or Mamie Eisenhower she's not. She has a degree in Psychology from Marymount College, but it didn't take 4 years of studying Freud and Jung for her to figure out how the male mind functions. With billowing bleach blonde hair, bulbous breast implants and a wardrode of tops and skirts that could double as dinner napkins Hyatt was, from an early age, all about giving the boys what they want.
The first of many wrestlers to get what she was offering was "Hollywood" John Tatum who she began dating in 1985. Next thing you know Missy's star was on the rise courtesy of a lascivious "Mud Pit Match" with Sunshine at WCCWs annual Texas Stadium show. When Tatum's career did not similiarly take off Hyatt moved on to "Hot Stuff" Eddie Gilbert and the Universal Wrestling Federation in 1987.
There she began building a reputation on the kind of Diva work we know so well today- cacophonous quantities of cleavage, erotic entrances and plenty of good old fashion clothes ripping cat-fights. Soon Vince McMahon came calling asking her to replace "Piper's Pit" with a segment called "Missy's Manor", but in an effort that could make JaMarcus Russell and Michael Myers' "Cat in The Hat" avert their eyes Hyatt botched the sure thing and the potential dawning of the Divas Division sadly gave way instead to "Adorable" Adrian Adonis' Flower Shop.
Ultimately Vince would offer her a job as a WWF Dancer which she refused calling the position "beneath her". Considering she'd wrestled in mud, been spanked by Lance Von Erich and dated actor Jason Hervey (The Wonder Years), 9 years her junior, when he was still in high school these were tough words indeed. For her troubles Hyatt was hired by WCW where in 1993 she entered the offices to find a blownup pic of her topless adorning the wall. She protested and in the worst business move since the guy who ran the Credit Default Swap desk at AIG Eric Bischoff fired her. One lawsuit and out of court settlement later Missy moved on to ECW and WCW moved on to bankruptcy proceedings.
In ECW Hyatt was infamously front and center in the Paul Varelans-Taz "Shoot Fight" incident where MMA fighter Varelans agreed to tap out to Taz in exchange for fellatio from the "First Lady". When Varelans did his "job", but Missy did not reciprocate in kind he tore up the dressing room in a fit of anger to which I say, get over yourself. I mean if I had a dollar for every time...
Anyway today Hyatt along with other 40-plus valets/wrestlers like Tammy "Sunny" Sytch and Malia Hosaka appear semi-nude on her website "Wrestling Vixxxxens" whose ridiculously superflous spelling reminds me of those beer-bellied, rec league softball players who think wearing number 69 is somehow clever. Nonetheless she took the genre to a new level and for that horny teenagers everywhere are grateful.
Missy Hyatt: a woman who gave new meaning to the wrestling phrase "jobber".We know, we know Miss Elizabeth is coming in the next post plus Woman, Chyna and the frankly frightening Luna Vachon. Check back before Easter.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Seminal Sluts of the Squared Circle
In my 6 or so months as an Internet satirist of the inane and insipid in the world of sports I've tried to cover a good deal of psuedo-intellectual ground. I've limned the literary from Dos Passos to Dostoyevsky, researched the rich repository of Rock-n-Roll, mined the milieu of the American TV sitcom and poked fun at the train wreck that is modern day Pop Culture on my personal Indifferent Torpedo of Torpor/Sobriety Is Not An Option Tour de Farce. Yet despite this not inconsiderable effort to bring depth and nuance to the sports blogging abyss to date my most popular post with over 2000 page views and counting is a cynical slideshow of implant irony and vagina jokes on Bleacher Report entitled "The Top 10 Knockouts of TNA Wrestling" (http://bleacherreport.com/articles/632824-top-10-tna-knockouts-angelina-love-velvet-sky-tnas-other-beautiful-people).
However, unlike Van Morrison who once moaned to a reporter that, "all fans want to hear are my f---ing hits" (yes, but that's why you're allowed to be a fat, obnoxious, drunken sot...and isn't that what it was all about anyway?) I have decided to embrace the sphere to which it seems I am sadly suited. So without further intro here is my archaeological attempt to unearth the origins of the ever growing and insanely popular titillating and erotic side of Professional Wrestling...plus there's pictures! Mazel Tov!!
Now it only figures that the likes of current wrestling hotties such as Maryse, Angelina Love, Kelly Kelly and Velvet Sky were not immaculately concieved into our livingrooms fully quaffed and rouged like some member of the Judd family (my kingdom for the head of a male Judd!). But it is a fact that the ubiquity of these tantalizing tarts today makes us forget there is a long, hard history preceding this ultimate tease.
So we can start by saying that behind every good man there's a good woman, but based on the outwardly loose morals of the women chronicled below chances are it was as often as not the other way around. As these earliest incarnations of today's Divas and Knockouts used whatever womanly assets they could muster to ingratiate themselves to more than willing to oblige grapplers in exchange for the chance to finagle their way onto television and into our post-pubescent Saturday morning TV fantasies.
And in the beginning there was...
1.Sunshine- Alright maybe she wasn't technically the genesis of this genre, but my first recollection of a wrestler being accompanied to the ring by anyone other than a fat ex-Heel (Fred Blassie, Captain Lou Albano) or loud-mouthed Jew (The Grand Wizard, Eddie Creachman) was when the syndicated World Class program found it's way to a late night MSG time slot and Jimmy Garvin was seconded by this impish blonde. Sunshine was actually Garvin's cousin so hopefully she didn't "earn" this role as alluded to above, but she certainly wasn't without her charms. Basically she was to wrestling kinda what Mary Ann was to Gilligan's Island- a non-threatining cutie who you still felt under the right circumstances you might have a shot with. The type of girl who was "local hot", but not so hot that you'd be afraid to ask her for a pencil in Math class and when she inevitably produced one made you feel like you were a "player". In short, a destitute man's Courtney Thorne-Smith and ultimately an early taste of what women could provide the world of sports entertainment.
OK so Torrie Wilson she's not, but hey you gotta start somewhere.
2. Precious- We've all done stupid things in our younger days- drink till we puke, drug ourselves to incoherence, pretend to like Jim Morrison's poetry album (which come to think of it may be related to the previous stupidity) and the like. For Precious this list also apparently includes her leap into the seedy world of 1980's Pro Wrestling. When Sunshine moved on Jimmy Garvin decided to coax his then (and current) wife Patti Williams into the valet role under the psuedonym Precious. According to an August 2010 Charlotte Observer article (yes, sometimes I actually click 2 or 3 Google pages in during my research) Williams accepted reluctantly and seems to feel uneasy about her role to this day. Though she appeared on TV and at major events throughout Texas, Georgia and the Mid-Atlantic region her bio is blank at the Online World of Wrestling website and her page has been pulled for a "G10 violation" (which I believe is the same reason George Costanza couldn't return that book of French pastoral paintings he took to the bathroom in Brentano's) at Wikipedia. Now if I could only do the same with this Tijuana purchased lower back tattoo...
3. Jeannie Austin- Jeannie Austin went through wrestlers like Angelina Jolie goes through Third World babies. From 1978 to 1991 she married and divorced in succession "Gentleman" Chris Adams, Billy Jack Haynes and "Stone Cold" Steve Austin though she later admitted the Haynes coupling was arranged to keep her from being deported back to the UK. Her most indelible contribution to the business, however, comes from being credited as the inspiration for Steve Austin's ultimate gimmick when she told him to "drink his tea before it gets stone cold". Not exactly a killer tale for one of the greatest bad ass personas ever developed. Sorta like finding out the band Jethro Tull was named after a 17th Century agriculturalist who invented the "seed drill"...true story.
Again not making anyone forget Trish Stratus, but she knew how to match a dress to the ring steps.
4. Toni Adams- Apparently when it came to picking up women "Gentlemen" Chris Adams had a rap that fell somewhere between the formality of Tennessee Williams' "Gentleman Caller" in The Glass Menagerie and comedian Doug Benson's pickup line, "my penis just died can I bury it in your ass." Obviously Adams dangled the prospect of D-list TV stardom in front of unsuspecting damsels and like Jeannie Austin before her Toni Lea Collins took the bait becoming Toni Adams and "Gentleman" Chris' valet/manager in the mid-80's. For her trouble Mrs. Adams would wind up having her top torn off on camera by Tojo Yamamoto, be the "spankee" in a "Loser Gets Spanked Match" with Billy Travis and in a more distressing real life incident get assaulted by a drunken Chris Adams precipitating their divorce. She continued working through the mid-90's feuding with such forgettable ladies as Sweet Georgia Brown and Dirty White Girl and managing mid-card marauders like Iceman King Parsons and Brian "Grand Master Sexay" Christopher. Sadly Adams passed away at age 45 from an abdominal abcess infection similiar to the type that killed David Von Erich.
Now things are moving in the right direction though not sure if she was managing Gold Dust at this time or that's a bodysuit under her jacket here.
5. Miss Linda- When it comes to Rock bands I have a very simple rule. That is I'll never follow groups that use more makeup or hair spray than my mother. Thus I am not a member of the KISS army and I pretty much sat out the whole Motley Crue/Poison/Whitesnake era listening to Molly Hatchet and The Charlie Daniels Band. If Miss Linda wanted to make it big in wrestling she might have been better off heeding my rule before she decided to hook up with "Exotic" Adrian Street in the '70's and '80's. As his nickname implies Street was a unique act. He draped himself in clashing tie-dyed colors, painted his face back when the Road Warriors were "bouncing" drunks at Chicago frat parties and wore his bleached blonde hair in mini-pigtails. Next to this Human Jackson Pollock painting Miss Linda never stood a chance of getting noticed. She briefly tapped into some latent Blackfoot blood for a Native American gimmick that never took off before finally settling in as Street's "stylist" throughout a career spent mostly in the Triple-A of the wrestling world. But in one of the few happy endings for these Gloria Steinem's of the Slammin' Set The Exotic One and Miss Linda were married in 2007 and currently run a successful ring attire business. So that's nice.
That's all for know, but we'll be back on Tuesday with the next installment featuring Missy Hyatt, "Sensational" Sherri Martel, Baby Doll and Elizabeth.
However, unlike Van Morrison who once moaned to a reporter that, "all fans want to hear are my f---ing hits" (yes, but that's why you're allowed to be a fat, obnoxious, drunken sot...and isn't that what it was all about anyway?) I have decided to embrace the sphere to which it seems I am sadly suited. So without further intro here is my archaeological attempt to unearth the origins of the ever growing and insanely popular titillating and erotic side of Professional Wrestling...plus there's pictures! Mazel Tov!!
Now it only figures that the likes of current wrestling hotties such as Maryse, Angelina Love, Kelly Kelly and Velvet Sky were not immaculately concieved into our livingrooms fully quaffed and rouged like some member of the Judd family (my kingdom for the head of a male Judd!). But it is a fact that the ubiquity of these tantalizing tarts today makes us forget there is a long, hard history preceding this ultimate tease.
So we can start by saying that behind every good man there's a good woman, but based on the outwardly loose morals of the women chronicled below chances are it was as often as not the other way around. As these earliest incarnations of today's Divas and Knockouts used whatever womanly assets they could muster to ingratiate themselves to more than willing to oblige grapplers in exchange for the chance to finagle their way onto television and into our post-pubescent Saturday morning TV fantasies.
And in the beginning there was...
1.Sunshine- Alright maybe she wasn't technically the genesis of this genre, but my first recollection of a wrestler being accompanied to the ring by anyone other than a fat ex-Heel (Fred Blassie, Captain Lou Albano) or loud-mouthed Jew (The Grand Wizard, Eddie Creachman) was when the syndicated World Class program found it's way to a late night MSG time slot and Jimmy Garvin was seconded by this impish blonde. Sunshine was actually Garvin's cousin so hopefully she didn't "earn" this role as alluded to above, but she certainly wasn't without her charms. Basically she was to wrestling kinda what Mary Ann was to Gilligan's Island- a non-threatining cutie who you still felt under the right circumstances you might have a shot with. The type of girl who was "local hot", but not so hot that you'd be afraid to ask her for a pencil in Math class and when she inevitably produced one made you feel like you were a "player". In short, a destitute man's Courtney Thorne-Smith and ultimately an early taste of what women could provide the world of sports entertainment.
OK so Torrie Wilson she's not, but hey you gotta start somewhere.2. Precious- We've all done stupid things in our younger days- drink till we puke, drug ourselves to incoherence, pretend to like Jim Morrison's poetry album (which come to think of it may be related to the previous stupidity) and the like. For Precious this list also apparently includes her leap into the seedy world of 1980's Pro Wrestling. When Sunshine moved on Jimmy Garvin decided to coax his then (and current) wife Patti Williams into the valet role under the psuedonym Precious. According to an August 2010 Charlotte Observer article (yes, sometimes I actually click 2 or 3 Google pages in during my research) Williams accepted reluctantly and seems to feel uneasy about her role to this day. Though she appeared on TV and at major events throughout Texas, Georgia and the Mid-Atlantic region her bio is blank at the Online World of Wrestling website and her page has been pulled for a "G10 violation" (which I believe is the same reason George Costanza couldn't return that book of French pastoral paintings he took to the bathroom in Brentano's) at Wikipedia. Now if I could only do the same with this Tijuana purchased lower back tattoo...
3. Jeannie Austin- Jeannie Austin went through wrestlers like Angelina Jolie goes through Third World babies. From 1978 to 1991 she married and divorced in succession "Gentleman" Chris Adams, Billy Jack Haynes and "Stone Cold" Steve Austin though she later admitted the Haynes coupling was arranged to keep her from being deported back to the UK. Her most indelible contribution to the business, however, comes from being credited as the inspiration for Steve Austin's ultimate gimmick when she told him to "drink his tea before it gets stone cold". Not exactly a killer tale for one of the greatest bad ass personas ever developed. Sorta like finding out the band Jethro Tull was named after a 17th Century agriculturalist who invented the "seed drill"...true story.
Again not making anyone forget Trish Stratus, but she knew how to match a dress to the ring steps.4. Toni Adams- Apparently when it came to picking up women "Gentlemen" Chris Adams had a rap that fell somewhere between the formality of Tennessee Williams' "Gentleman Caller" in The Glass Menagerie and comedian Doug Benson's pickup line, "my penis just died can I bury it in your ass." Obviously Adams dangled the prospect of D-list TV stardom in front of unsuspecting damsels and like Jeannie Austin before her Toni Lea Collins took the bait becoming Toni Adams and "Gentleman" Chris' valet/manager in the mid-80's. For her trouble Mrs. Adams would wind up having her top torn off on camera by Tojo Yamamoto, be the "spankee" in a "Loser Gets Spanked Match" with Billy Travis and in a more distressing real life incident get assaulted by a drunken Chris Adams precipitating their divorce. She continued working through the mid-90's feuding with such forgettable ladies as Sweet Georgia Brown and Dirty White Girl and managing mid-card marauders like Iceman King Parsons and Brian "Grand Master Sexay" Christopher. Sadly Adams passed away at age 45 from an abdominal abcess infection similiar to the type that killed David Von Erich.
Now things are moving in the right direction though not sure if she was managing Gold Dust at this time or that's a bodysuit under her jacket here.5. Miss Linda- When it comes to Rock bands I have a very simple rule. That is I'll never follow groups that use more makeup or hair spray than my mother. Thus I am not a member of the KISS army and I pretty much sat out the whole Motley Crue/Poison/Whitesnake era listening to Molly Hatchet and The Charlie Daniels Band. If Miss Linda wanted to make it big in wrestling she might have been better off heeding my rule before she decided to hook up with "Exotic" Adrian Street in the '70's and '80's. As his nickname implies Street was a unique act. He draped himself in clashing tie-dyed colors, painted his face back when the Road Warriors were "bouncing" drunks at Chicago frat parties and wore his bleached blonde hair in mini-pigtails. Next to this Human Jackson Pollock painting Miss Linda never stood a chance of getting noticed. She briefly tapped into some latent Blackfoot blood for a Native American gimmick that never took off before finally settling in as Street's "stylist" throughout a career spent mostly in the Triple-A of the wrestling world. But in one of the few happy endings for these Gloria Steinem's of the Slammin' Set The Exotic One and Miss Linda were married in 2007 and currently run a successful ring attire business. So that's nice.
That's all for know, but we'll be back on Tuesday with the next installment featuring Missy Hyatt, "Sensational" Sherri Martel, Baby Doll and Elizabeth.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Stealing Ed Kranepool's Soap
So opening day saw Mike Pelfrey last four and a third, Reyes, Wright and Ike Davis go 0 for 11 and the Mets lineup bang out fewer hits than the post-"Turning Japanese" Vapors on their way to the first of what might be many lackluster losses.
Tonight they'll turn to Jonathan Niese whose 9-10 record and 4.20 ERA in 2010 redefined bland for a generation that never saw Ron Hodges play. Oh yeah and the Yankees are already 2-0 so Mets fans should be able to safely curl up with the adjective "Long-Suffering" again in 2011 and perhaps well into the forseeable future.
Meanwhile back at the Keystone Light can strewn hellhole I call a home I owe you the finale of my "Most Hated Mets" column...and one Hot Pocket belch later here it is:
6. George Foster ('82-'85)- After once being called upon to pinch-hit for an aging Willie Mays, Foster established himself in Cincinnati as a bonafide star in the late '70s. From 1976-81 he made 5 All Star teams, finished in the Top 6 in the MVP voting 4 times and after becoming the first player in 25 years to hit 50 HRs in 1977 caused me to throw out a shoulder in my haste to open the new package of Strat-o-Matic cards in the spring of '78. Unfortunately he was a past his prime slugger at 33 by the time he reached the Mets. Proof being his first year in the Big Apple when he slugged an anemic .367 which was surpassed by middle infielders Joel Youngblood, Wally Backman, Ron Gardenhire and even the virtually impotent Tom Veryzer (career SLG .294). Even more frustrating was his complete surrender in the face of right-handed breaking balls that left his chances against the likes of San Fran's Mike Krukow about as good as finding an Asian kid in Special Ed. Still considering he only cost the Mets Alex Trevino, a dimunitive catcher who actually reminded one of the sadly flailing Robert Deniro in Bang the Drum Slowly, it wasn't such a terrible run after all.
5. Steve Trachsel ('01-'06)- If Mike Hargrove was "The Human Rain Delay" this guy should've been dubbed "The Lost Weekend" (Ray Milland's finest role outside The Man with Two Heads, check it out). Fact is I've passed stones in the time he took between pitches and when he came to the Mets fresh off a combined 16-33 record the two years prior it made things in Flushing even more unwatchable than they already were. For better, or possibly worse from a fan's perspective, "Stevie Slow" turned out to be a quality innings eater for New York even churning out two 15+ win seasons during his stay. And more amazingly the Mets actually sold high dumping Trachsel in 2007 off a 15-8 campaign for RHP Rocky Cherry a name which now replaces 1960's folksinger Dusty Snatch atop the list of ill-advised female porn star names. His comps at Baseball Reference include Mike Morgan and Mike Moore who until seeing their individual statistical pages I was sure were the same guy throughout the late 80's/early 90's.
4. Dave Kingman ('75-'77, '81-'83)- The freest swinger this side of a 70's Key Party, "Kong" went deep more often than Wilt Chamberlain at The Bunny Ranch with the Mets even leading the league in HRs in 1982 with 37. Alas, he was the biggest one-trick pony since Clara Peller uttered "Where's the beef" either going yard or going nowhere in putting up sub-.300 OBPs throughout most of his tenure. After his 37 HR performance in '82 he slipped to a .183/.265/.383 line in '83 before being shipped off to Oakland where he infamously caused Susan B. Anthony to turn over in her grave (not to mention unleash a worthless coin upon us) when he protested women in the lockerrom by sending a female reporter a dead rat through the mail. And I'm the one who can't get a date?!?
3. Bobby Bonilla ('92-'95)- Most of the guys on this list were Good Guys in bad situations...Bobby Bo, not so much. Possesing all the charm of a Koran burning protest Bonilla fought with everyone in his path including the clubhouse attendant in Pittsburgh, reporters Art McFarland and Bob Klapisch in New York and even a scorekeeper who he called mid-game from a clubhouse phone to protest an error. It wasn't that he didn't produce for the Mets, posting a slugging percentage over .500 from '93 to '95, it that's people expected a much bigger bang for the buck. A buck that the Wilpon's will be paying off in $1.2 million increments every year until 2035...and they thought Bernie Madoff sucked them dry...
2. Kevin McReynolds ('87-'91, '94)- In his initial 5 year run at Shea K-Mac was good for approximately 25 HRs and 90 RBIs annually so it wasn't lack of production that earned him the scorn of Mets faithful. Instead it was the fact that McReynolds played the game with all the unbridled enthusiasm of a Steven Wright routine. Look up "zeal" in the dictionary and you'll see a picture of everyone else in the world but him. He brought to the game all the passion of Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley's marital bed and all the energy of a Cowboy Junkies/Crash Test Dummies double bill...alright perhaps I've over-referenced, but to call him indifferent would make George W. Bush's response to Katrina victims look heroic (for Republicans feel free to substitute Bill Clinton and Rwanda here-we are an apolitical site). Ultimately McReynolds came to epitomize the Mets teams for which he toiled. A group good, but forever just short of great who seemed to care a lot less about missing out on the big prize than their diehard fans.
1. Doug Sisk ('82-'87)- Truly a tragic case. Search the web and you can't find a bad word about Sisk from anyone who's actually met him. He currently works as a sports director for the Boys & Girls Club of Pierce County, Washington and frankly, except for a blip in 1985, his numbers range from adequate to impressive. Still there's just something about this guy that draws the ire of every Met fan even 20 years removed from him last taking the hill. My theory is that he burned too bright too fast teasing Met backers in 1983-84 by pitching over 180 innings at the age of 25-26 and posting an impressive sub-2.20 ERA while saving 26 games. Ultimately, though, a chronic lack of control would leave the Flushing Faithful with bluer balls than a Smurf in the Polar Bear Club. Leadoff walks, bases loaded walks, walking the pitcher Dougie did it all. Even in his best years he walked nearly twice as many batters as he struck out. This wasn't a problem when hitters were swinging at his natual sinker around their shoe tops and banging into double plays, but when the book on Sisk became, "Don't Swing", he was forced to elevate his pitches and bad things followed. By 1990 Sisk had become the face of the Mets inability to capitalize on their 1986 World Title. The vitriol got so bad that he was shipped to Baltimore for a bag of balls and a cracked Louisville Slugger that went by the name of Greg Talmantez (out of organized ball by 1992). In the end Sisk walked away with $1.4 million in earnings, a World Series ring and probably the ability to curse anyone in Pierce County Washington under the table from experience if he so chooses.
I'm sure there are plenty of truly awful, nasty Mets we forgot so feel free to share your least favorites in the comments section. And as we see on our 13-inch black and white it's time to celebrate as the Mets pull one out in extras. Woo-freakin'-hoo!
See the previous post-"Bad Stuff 'Bout Da Mets"-for #s 7-11 of this list. Hate on!
As the late, great Harry Caray once (or six times) put it, "Andre Dawson at the plate, he's hitting .268 with...whoa look at the cans on that one!" RIP good sir.
Tonight they'll turn to Jonathan Niese whose 9-10 record and 4.20 ERA in 2010 redefined bland for a generation that never saw Ron Hodges play. Oh yeah and the Yankees are already 2-0 so Mets fans should be able to safely curl up with the adjective "Long-Suffering" again in 2011 and perhaps well into the forseeable future.
Meanwhile back at the Keystone Light can strewn hellhole I call a home I owe you the finale of my "Most Hated Mets" column...and one Hot Pocket belch later here it is:
6. George Foster ('82-'85)- After once being called upon to pinch-hit for an aging Willie Mays, Foster established himself in Cincinnati as a bonafide star in the late '70s. From 1976-81 he made 5 All Star teams, finished in the Top 6 in the MVP voting 4 times and after becoming the first player in 25 years to hit 50 HRs in 1977 caused me to throw out a shoulder in my haste to open the new package of Strat-o-Matic cards in the spring of '78. Unfortunately he was a past his prime slugger at 33 by the time he reached the Mets. Proof being his first year in the Big Apple when he slugged an anemic .367 which was surpassed by middle infielders Joel Youngblood, Wally Backman, Ron Gardenhire and even the virtually impotent Tom Veryzer (career SLG .294). Even more frustrating was his complete surrender in the face of right-handed breaking balls that left his chances against the likes of San Fran's Mike Krukow about as good as finding an Asian kid in Special Ed. Still considering he only cost the Mets Alex Trevino, a dimunitive catcher who actually reminded one of the sadly flailing Robert Deniro in Bang the Drum Slowly, it wasn't such a terrible run after all.
5. Steve Trachsel ('01-'06)- If Mike Hargrove was "The Human Rain Delay" this guy should've been dubbed "The Lost Weekend" (Ray Milland's finest role outside The Man with Two Heads, check it out). Fact is I've passed stones in the time he took between pitches and when he came to the Mets fresh off a combined 16-33 record the two years prior it made things in Flushing even more unwatchable than they already were. For better, or possibly worse from a fan's perspective, "Stevie Slow" turned out to be a quality innings eater for New York even churning out two 15+ win seasons during his stay. And more amazingly the Mets actually sold high dumping Trachsel in 2007 off a 15-8 campaign for RHP Rocky Cherry a name which now replaces 1960's folksinger Dusty Snatch atop the list of ill-advised female porn star names. His comps at Baseball Reference include Mike Morgan and Mike Moore who until seeing their individual statistical pages I was sure were the same guy throughout the late 80's/early 90's.
4. Dave Kingman ('75-'77, '81-'83)- The freest swinger this side of a 70's Key Party, "Kong" went deep more often than Wilt Chamberlain at The Bunny Ranch with the Mets even leading the league in HRs in 1982 with 37. Alas, he was the biggest one-trick pony since Clara Peller uttered "Where's the beef" either going yard or going nowhere in putting up sub-.300 OBPs throughout most of his tenure. After his 37 HR performance in '82 he slipped to a .183/.265/.383 line in '83 before being shipped off to Oakland where he infamously caused Susan B. Anthony to turn over in her grave (not to mention unleash a worthless coin upon us) when he protested women in the lockerrom by sending a female reporter a dead rat through the mail. And I'm the one who can't get a date?!?
3. Bobby Bonilla ('92-'95)- Most of the guys on this list were Good Guys in bad situations...Bobby Bo, not so much. Possesing all the charm of a Koran burning protest Bonilla fought with everyone in his path including the clubhouse attendant in Pittsburgh, reporters Art McFarland and Bob Klapisch in New York and even a scorekeeper who he called mid-game from a clubhouse phone to protest an error. It wasn't that he didn't produce for the Mets, posting a slugging percentage over .500 from '93 to '95, it that's people expected a much bigger bang for the buck. A buck that the Wilpon's will be paying off in $1.2 million increments every year until 2035...and they thought Bernie Madoff sucked them dry...
2. Kevin McReynolds ('87-'91, '94)- In his initial 5 year run at Shea K-Mac was good for approximately 25 HRs and 90 RBIs annually so it wasn't lack of production that earned him the scorn of Mets faithful. Instead it was the fact that McReynolds played the game with all the unbridled enthusiasm of a Steven Wright routine. Look up "zeal" in the dictionary and you'll see a picture of everyone else in the world but him. He brought to the game all the passion of Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley's marital bed and all the energy of a Cowboy Junkies/Crash Test Dummies double bill...alright perhaps I've over-referenced, but to call him indifferent would make George W. Bush's response to Katrina victims look heroic (for Republicans feel free to substitute Bill Clinton and Rwanda here-we are an apolitical site). Ultimately McReynolds came to epitomize the Mets teams for which he toiled. A group good, but forever just short of great who seemed to care a lot less about missing out on the big prize than their diehard fans.
1. Doug Sisk ('82-'87)- Truly a tragic case. Search the web and you can't find a bad word about Sisk from anyone who's actually met him. He currently works as a sports director for the Boys & Girls Club of Pierce County, Washington and frankly, except for a blip in 1985, his numbers range from adequate to impressive. Still there's just something about this guy that draws the ire of every Met fan even 20 years removed from him last taking the hill. My theory is that he burned too bright too fast teasing Met backers in 1983-84 by pitching over 180 innings at the age of 25-26 and posting an impressive sub-2.20 ERA while saving 26 games. Ultimately, though, a chronic lack of control would leave the Flushing Faithful with bluer balls than a Smurf in the Polar Bear Club. Leadoff walks, bases loaded walks, walking the pitcher Dougie did it all. Even in his best years he walked nearly twice as many batters as he struck out. This wasn't a problem when hitters were swinging at his natual sinker around their shoe tops and banging into double plays, but when the book on Sisk became, "Don't Swing", he was forced to elevate his pitches and bad things followed. By 1990 Sisk had become the face of the Mets inability to capitalize on their 1986 World Title. The vitriol got so bad that he was shipped to Baltimore for a bag of balls and a cracked Louisville Slugger that went by the name of Greg Talmantez (out of organized ball by 1992). In the end Sisk walked away with $1.4 million in earnings, a World Series ring and probably the ability to curse anyone in Pierce County Washington under the table from experience if he so chooses.
I'm sure there are plenty of truly awful, nasty Mets we forgot so feel free to share your least favorites in the comments section. And as we see on our 13-inch black and white it's time to celebrate as the Mets pull one out in extras. Woo-freakin'-hoo!
See the previous post-"Bad Stuff 'Bout Da Mets"-for #s 7-11 of this list. Hate on!
As the late, great Harry Caray once (or six times) put it, "Andre Dawson at the plate, he's hitting .268 with...whoa look at the cans on that one!" RIP good sir.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Bad Stuff 'Bout Da Mets
So the revelation about Barry Bonds' shrunken testicles has shocked many in the sports world. Though I, personally, don't see the big deal...I mean the smaller the potatoes the bigger the steak looks. Right?
Still the attention the Bonds' trial has drawn points up an interesting fact about our views as fans. That is that no matter how much money and adulation we heap on our athletic heroes there's nothing we love to do so much as hate.
And this despite the fact that Bonds is not only retired, but has been erased from both the history of MLB and the S.F. Giants like the labor movement in Maine or the word "niggardly" from a 21st century textbook.
But no team seems to acquire more players capable of bringing out the vitriol among their fan base than the New York Mets. In the last two decades the Mets have hung their hopes and raised their ticket prices on the abilities of a bigger collection of past their prime D-listers than the cast of Skating With The Stars. So what better way to celebrate Opening Day for a nearly certain to be under-achieving Met team than with a "Baker's Top Ten" (that's a thing, right?...well screw it I'm making it a thing) of the most overpaid, under-performing, dysfunctional, distasteful and vile players to don the royal blue and orange...Stay angry my friends!
11. Roberto Alomar ('02-'03)- Unless it's between cast members on Flavor of Love spitting on someone is never a way to endear yourself to the viewing public. Still, in his prime, Robbie was talented enough to engage in just such an incident with umpire John Hirschbeck yet still win over the hearts of fans in both Baltimore and Cleveland. Alas, by the time he reached the Metsy's much of the Gold Glove-ty goodness and base hitting beneficence had worn off the rose. From '01 to '02 he lost 70 points of BA, 80 points of OBP and 160 points of SLG as he entered the gloaming of his HOF career. On a personal note he was once engaged to the well-endowed tennis star Mary Pierce the subject of perhaps the funniest line ever uttered on Sportscenter. Commenting on a highlight showing Pierce from a rack-enhancing side view Kenny Mayne said, "we pick up the action with Mary Pierce down a set though from this angle it would be hard to tell." Pierce and another woman would later sue Alomar for allegedly infecting them with AIDS so maybe John Hirschbeck got off easy all things considered.
10. Scott Schoenweis ('07-'08)- The two things I remember most about the addition of superstation TBS and Atlanta Braves games to our cable package in the '80s is the unabashed homer-ism of the announcers and the fact that Paul Assenmacher seemed to be perpetually warming up in the bullpen. Schoenweis was the Mets answer to Assenmacher forever getting loose for that lefthanded pinch-hitter that was always on the horizon. See lefty relievers are to MLB what Nicolas Cage is to movies. In other words throw a couple Moonstrucks early in your career and you'll keep getting chances even if all the rest is a cacophony of Wicker Mans and bases loaded walks. For $3.6 mil New York got a first year return of a 5.03 ERA and 1.53 WHIP before letting him walk after a second mediocre campaign. Not to worry even at 37 he's still plugging away tossing 24 innings for Arizona in '09 and 13 for Boston last year.
9. Ellis Valentine ('81-'82)- This is kinda unfair. According to Wikipedia Valentine is a very charitable guy not to mention the fact he was on his way to becoming his generation's Vladimir Guerrero until a Roy Thomas fastball shattered his cheekbone in 1980. Of course that's just when the Mutts swooped in taking Ellis and his .207 average off the Expos hands midway through 1981 at the nominal cost of killer closer Jeff Reardon. He showed up wearing a specially designed protective batting helmet that was somewhere between that 1970s periodontal headgear and the Hannibal Lecter mask. Between that and Pete Falcone being the team Ace suffice it to say it was not a glory era for Mets fans. On the bright side though Valentine did sport one of the biggest arms this side of Big Poppa Pump in RF and once appeared with Steve Garvey on an episode of Fantasy Island where they train Gary Burghoff for the Majors...seriously. No word on whether Ellis mimicked Herve Villechaize as LaGuardia departing aircraft flew over Shea, but it's fun to imagine.
8. Randy Jones ('81-'82)- Had the art of sabermetrics been more in the mainstream it could've saved the Mets from this debacle in the early '80s. We now know that pitchers have very little control over BABIP (Batting Average on Balls In Play) thus putting the ability to get strikeouts and avoid walks at a premium. So when Jones won the Cy Young in 1976 with a paltry 2.7 K/9 it was quite obvious he was benefiting from a luckily depressed BABIP. In fact his regression back to the mean was so fierce that he would never post a winning record again in 6 more seasons including 1-8 and 7-10 records in New York. The 315 innings and 24 complete games in '76 also sapped his arm strength so by the end he ranked up there with a post-shoulder surgery Dave LaPoint and current Jamie Moyer on the list of non-knuckleball Major Leaguers I'd give myself a chance at making contact off. His comp at Baseball Reference is Eppa Rixey who I believe was a second Lieutenant at the Battle of Bull Run in addition to hurling for the old Washington Senators.
7. Mo Vaughn ('02-'03)- The "Flounder" of MLB, only he managed to make fat, drunk and stupid payoff to the tune of $17.1 million a year with NY in 2002. Then proceeded to record the lowest OPS since his rookie year before getting injured 96 plate appearances into 2003 and never playing again. Career really began to jump the proverbial shark after falling down the dugout steps chasing a foul ball for Anaheim in 1999. The subsequent layoff caused him to gain weight at a frightening pace. Yet he turned up in the Mitchell Report as a suspected user of HGH though it's unclear if that meant Human "Girth" Hormones or not. Also famous for dangling an elbow more padded than Stan "The Lariat" Hansen's over the plate which ultimately led to a restriction on batter body armor a few years back.
We're gonna take a blow and come back with #'s 1-6 tomorrow until then here's a little somethin'-somethin' to tide you over till...good God...Mike Pelfrey tosses the opener tomorrow.
To tired for a wisecrack here, but based on the pose I'm going to assume it would've involved the terminology "Backdoor Slider"...you can take it from there.
Mo Vaughn crowding his favorite type of plate at Carnegie Deli.
At least Lady Gaga thought the 2010 Mets were #1.
Still the attention the Bonds' trial has drawn points up an interesting fact about our views as fans. That is that no matter how much money and adulation we heap on our athletic heroes there's nothing we love to do so much as hate.
And this despite the fact that Bonds is not only retired, but has been erased from both the history of MLB and the S.F. Giants like the labor movement in Maine or the word "niggardly" from a 21st century textbook.
But no team seems to acquire more players capable of bringing out the vitriol among their fan base than the New York Mets. In the last two decades the Mets have hung their hopes and raised their ticket prices on the abilities of a bigger collection of past their prime D-listers than the cast of Skating With The Stars. So what better way to celebrate Opening Day for a nearly certain to be under-achieving Met team than with a "Baker's Top Ten" (that's a thing, right?...well screw it I'm making it a thing) of the most overpaid, under-performing, dysfunctional, distasteful and vile players to don the royal blue and orange...Stay angry my friends!
11. Roberto Alomar ('02-'03)- Unless it's between cast members on Flavor of Love spitting on someone is never a way to endear yourself to the viewing public. Still, in his prime, Robbie was talented enough to engage in just such an incident with umpire John Hirschbeck yet still win over the hearts of fans in both Baltimore and Cleveland. Alas, by the time he reached the Metsy's much of the Gold Glove-ty goodness and base hitting beneficence had worn off the rose. From '01 to '02 he lost 70 points of BA, 80 points of OBP and 160 points of SLG as he entered the gloaming of his HOF career. On a personal note he was once engaged to the well-endowed tennis star Mary Pierce the subject of perhaps the funniest line ever uttered on Sportscenter. Commenting on a highlight showing Pierce from a rack-enhancing side view Kenny Mayne said, "we pick up the action with Mary Pierce down a set though from this angle it would be hard to tell." Pierce and another woman would later sue Alomar for allegedly infecting them with AIDS so maybe John Hirschbeck got off easy all things considered.
10. Scott Schoenweis ('07-'08)- The two things I remember most about the addition of superstation TBS and Atlanta Braves games to our cable package in the '80s is the unabashed homer-ism of the announcers and the fact that Paul Assenmacher seemed to be perpetually warming up in the bullpen. Schoenweis was the Mets answer to Assenmacher forever getting loose for that lefthanded pinch-hitter that was always on the horizon. See lefty relievers are to MLB what Nicolas Cage is to movies. In other words throw a couple Moonstrucks early in your career and you'll keep getting chances even if all the rest is a cacophony of Wicker Mans and bases loaded walks. For $3.6 mil New York got a first year return of a 5.03 ERA and 1.53 WHIP before letting him walk after a second mediocre campaign. Not to worry even at 37 he's still plugging away tossing 24 innings for Arizona in '09 and 13 for Boston last year.
9. Ellis Valentine ('81-'82)- This is kinda unfair. According to Wikipedia Valentine is a very charitable guy not to mention the fact he was on his way to becoming his generation's Vladimir Guerrero until a Roy Thomas fastball shattered his cheekbone in 1980. Of course that's just when the Mutts swooped in taking Ellis and his .207 average off the Expos hands midway through 1981 at the nominal cost of killer closer Jeff Reardon. He showed up wearing a specially designed protective batting helmet that was somewhere between that 1970s periodontal headgear and the Hannibal Lecter mask. Between that and Pete Falcone being the team Ace suffice it to say it was not a glory era for Mets fans. On the bright side though Valentine did sport one of the biggest arms this side of Big Poppa Pump in RF and once appeared with Steve Garvey on an episode of Fantasy Island where they train Gary Burghoff for the Majors...seriously. No word on whether Ellis mimicked Herve Villechaize as LaGuardia departing aircraft flew over Shea, but it's fun to imagine.
8. Randy Jones ('81-'82)- Had the art of sabermetrics been more in the mainstream it could've saved the Mets from this debacle in the early '80s. We now know that pitchers have very little control over BABIP (Batting Average on Balls In Play) thus putting the ability to get strikeouts and avoid walks at a premium. So when Jones won the Cy Young in 1976 with a paltry 2.7 K/9 it was quite obvious he was benefiting from a luckily depressed BABIP. In fact his regression back to the mean was so fierce that he would never post a winning record again in 6 more seasons including 1-8 and 7-10 records in New York. The 315 innings and 24 complete games in '76 also sapped his arm strength so by the end he ranked up there with a post-shoulder surgery Dave LaPoint and current Jamie Moyer on the list of non-knuckleball Major Leaguers I'd give myself a chance at making contact off. His comp at Baseball Reference is Eppa Rixey who I believe was a second Lieutenant at the Battle of Bull Run in addition to hurling for the old Washington Senators.
7. Mo Vaughn ('02-'03)- The "Flounder" of MLB, only he managed to make fat, drunk and stupid payoff to the tune of $17.1 million a year with NY in 2002. Then proceeded to record the lowest OPS since his rookie year before getting injured 96 plate appearances into 2003 and never playing again. Career really began to jump the proverbial shark after falling down the dugout steps chasing a foul ball for Anaheim in 1999. The subsequent layoff caused him to gain weight at a frightening pace. Yet he turned up in the Mitchell Report as a suspected user of HGH though it's unclear if that meant Human "Girth" Hormones or not. Also famous for dangling an elbow more padded than Stan "The Lariat" Hansen's over the plate which ultimately led to a restriction on batter body armor a few years back.
We're gonna take a blow and come back with #'s 1-6 tomorrow until then here's a little somethin'-somethin' to tide you over till...good God...Mike Pelfrey tosses the opener tomorrow.
To tired for a wisecrack here, but based on the pose I'm going to assume it would've involved the terminology "Backdoor Slider"...you can take it from there.Mo Vaughn crowding his favorite type of plate at Carnegie Deli.At least Lady Gaga thought the 2010 Mets were #1.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Another Day In Stinktown
Sorry for the delay in posting, but due to recent High School sports hazing incidents coaches in our school district were required to attend two Sensitivity Training seminars this year. Since many of the incidents, inexplicably, feature sodomy the Psychologist running our meeting attempted to explain that this was the heterosexual BMOC's way of protecting their turf...Now I'm no Doctor, but it would seem to me that if word got out that teammates were rammin' things up each others butts, at say football training camp, pretty soon every Glee watching "Friend of Dorothy" in the school would be going out for the team. Or to paraphrase the old Bob Nelson bit you'd wind up with no "Tight Ends" and 27 "Wide Receivers".
In addition the lecturer brought some items that he said were commonly used in these rituals including a broom handle, a pine cone and golf balls. Now the first one I could understand, but the latter two seem to require the "sodom-er" to get rather personal. I went to a predominantly Irish Catholic school and all I could imagine is getting a Titleist halfway to some whiskey-dicked Micks large intestine only to have him let out a cabbage fart and they'd have lop my arm off at the elbow before I ever felt comfortable again.
But I'm just saying...
As for our more traditional writing please check back in the next day or so for our sarcastic look at the New York Mets which I believe will be both whimisical and enlightening. Which I'm sure is what you come for...But just in case...
"I take Ryan Braun"..."I take uh...uh...Gabe Kapler?"
My vote for Philly's 5th starter.
In addition the lecturer brought some items that he said were commonly used in these rituals including a broom handle, a pine cone and golf balls. Now the first one I could understand, but the latter two seem to require the "sodom-er" to get rather personal. I went to a predominantly Irish Catholic school and all I could imagine is getting a Titleist halfway to some whiskey-dicked Micks large intestine only to have him let out a cabbage fart and they'd have lop my arm off at the elbow before I ever felt comfortable again.
But I'm just saying...
As for our more traditional writing please check back in the next day or so for our sarcastic look at the New York Mets which I believe will be both whimisical and enlightening. Which I'm sure is what you come for...But just in case...
"I take Ryan Braun"..."I take uh...uh...Gabe Kapler?"My vote for Philly's 5th starter.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Bill Hicks Was Right
In the long standing tradition of Alexander Solzhenitsyn, Gustav Flaubert and Gilbert Gottfried...I've been censored.
This post was meant to be a link to my recent Bleacher Report article on March Madness Brackets, but apparently a website, on which every third post is a Slide Show of the "Kinky Co-Eds of Conference USA", found my content offensive.
Not that I blame Bleacher Report. They are simply maintaining the trend in entertainment that says that material related to ethnicity, religion or sexual orientation no matter how humorous or valid a commentary on the social condition (which, after all, is what I'm trying to illuminate here...Right?) is taboo, but in exchange sexually tittilating material is open game.
Kinda the reason why no one can utter Archie Bunker-isms like, (to Meathead) "sticks and stones can break my bones, but you are one dumb Polack!", (to Lionel Jefferson) "you don't wanna live here, there's not a Rib Joint or a Chicken Shack for miles...", (on California) "it's the land of Fruits and Nuts...every Nut's a little fruity and every Fruit's a little nutty", on TV anymore, but Christina Applegate is allowed to play a 14 year-old slut dressed like Pat Robertson's nightmare in Married With Children.
But enough sermonizing. I was going to reprint the article here, but unfortunately like the Dodo, Rubella and radio play for The Marshall Tucker Band BR eradicated it from existence. Below are the lines they reported being offensive followed by the ubiquitous Bimbo Du Jour and a clip of one of TV's most famous moments of censorship...Fight the Power!
"Pete Carril's Princeton Tigers completed more backdoor passes than Elton John at a Ricky Martin pool party!"
"Utah State's 3 guard/2 forward lineup sports less size than an Asian porno."
"Free Tibet? Actually I'm kinda glad China's got 'em down...one less thing I have to worry about..." I first uttered this to a Buddhist asking for donations in Washington Square Park and ever since Karma's been a bitch and my Ch'i is all screwed up.
Rod Stewart knew censoship wasn't always bad.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vf340K_Ed0o Alright, I have no idea how to import a video, but click the link to see Bill Hicks' censored Letterman set that was actually aired on The Late Show 15 years later.
This post was meant to be a link to my recent Bleacher Report article on March Madness Brackets, but apparently a website, on which every third post is a Slide Show of the "Kinky Co-Eds of Conference USA", found my content offensive.
Not that I blame Bleacher Report. They are simply maintaining the trend in entertainment that says that material related to ethnicity, religion or sexual orientation no matter how humorous or valid a commentary on the social condition (which, after all, is what I'm trying to illuminate here...Right?) is taboo, but in exchange sexually tittilating material is open game.
Kinda the reason why no one can utter Archie Bunker-isms like, (to Meathead) "sticks and stones can break my bones, but you are one dumb Polack!", (to Lionel Jefferson) "you don't wanna live here, there's not a Rib Joint or a Chicken Shack for miles...", (on California) "it's the land of Fruits and Nuts...every Nut's a little fruity and every Fruit's a little nutty", on TV anymore, but Christina Applegate is allowed to play a 14 year-old slut dressed like Pat Robertson's nightmare in Married With Children.
But enough sermonizing. I was going to reprint the article here, but unfortunately like the Dodo, Rubella and radio play for The Marshall Tucker Band BR eradicated it from existence. Below are the lines they reported being offensive followed by the ubiquitous Bimbo Du Jour and a clip of one of TV's most famous moments of censorship...Fight the Power!"Pete Carril's Princeton Tigers completed more backdoor passes than Elton John at a Ricky Martin pool party!"
"Utah State's 3 guard/2 forward lineup sports less size than an Asian porno."
"Free Tibet? Actually I'm kinda glad China's got 'em down...one less thing I have to worry about..." I first uttered this to a Buddhist asking for donations in Washington Square Park and ever since Karma's been a bitch and my Ch'i is all screwed up.
Rod Stewart knew censoship wasn't always bad.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vf340K_Ed0o Alright, I have no idea how to import a video, but click the link to see Bill Hicks' censored Letterman set that was actually aired on The Late Show 15 years later.
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