In our ongoing debate over the merits of old school wrestling versus those of today's game let me just say...Breyer's Ice Cream sucks!
OK so a lot of things suck from Grape Nuts cereal to Original Flavor Listerine to anything featuring Carson Daly, but what makes Breyer's extremely annoying is that the very reason it sucks is what they use to promote it..."It's All Natural".
Alright first let's dismiss the obvious. Most of the crap other companies put in their ice cream commonly falls under the term "Preservatives". So, one must ask, why would they bother to put these in if there was no reason to? You'd just be ruining a good thing. Kinda like the addition of Oliver to The Brady Bunch...and we all know how well that worked out. No, other companies add these things to keep their product from getting sticky, gritty and icy which Breyer's begins doing virtually on opening.
Now don't get me wrong Breyer's knows how to make ice cream and if you could drive to the plant and pick it up fresh upon completion I'm sure it would be wonderful. But you can't. In fact by the time it reaches the average consumer it's sat on warehouse docks, been loaded and unloaded, frozen and re-frozen until it has taken on the John Facenda tundra-like consistency of the turf at Lambeau Field.
A similiar conundrum faced the cookie industry when those blood-sucking elves at Keebler came out with the original "soft batch" cookie-an 80's fad that along with Pop Rocks, Pac Man and the Police Academy series has kept wise cracking stand-up comedians, D-List celebrities and Tonya Harding gainfully employed on VH1's I Love The... brand for the better part of this millenium. And I'm sure when other commercial baking conglomerates met to discuss how to combat this new challenge some straight out of business school upstart suggested, "let's bake 'em fresh each day and employ a fleet of trucks to whisk them to stores while they're still hot" only to be relegated to the mailroom while someone contacted Dupont about developing a softening agent to inject directly into the batter until the only thing left after nuclear war would be cockroaches gorging themselves on gooey chocolate chips that looked like they just came out of Mom's oven.
So what does this have to do with the old school vs. new school wrestling debate? To be honest I'm not really sure at this point, but I guess the answer lies in the fact that the old ways are not always the best and yielding to some new ideas is not always bad. As I've said about my drinking it's not a "problem" it's a dosage issue. An ongoing balancing act that needs to be carefully monitored like those college days when we "experimented" with drugs in our lab coats while recording data on clipboards...or at least that's how I remember it. The discontinuation of squash matches-Good; endless vignettes portraying "backstage politics"-Bad, and so on. If only Breyer's or I had learned that lesson earlier my garbage can would not be full of a half eaten quart of Vanilla Fudge and I'd be $3.50 richer, but that's neither here nor there. So on to the profiles before I start in on the effort/reward ratio in eating Sunflower Seeds or why someone keeps jamming Cranberries and Pomegranates into everything these days. Here ya go...
1. Roddy Piper- At age 22 author Carson McCullers began work on The Heart is a Lonely Hunter a universally acclaimed work of prose that elegantly addresses such issues as racism, depression, alcoholism and the plight of the handicapped with subtlety and nuance. At the same age I taught myself to roll a quarter from the bridge of my nose onto a formica tabletop and into a colored, plastic party cup with a stunning 98% accuracy rate. So, it seems, we all have a bit of the savant in us, it's just the way it expresses itself that differs.
For Roderick George Toombs the muse was to be found in Wrestling's Squared Circle where he made his professional debut at the Joe Nuxhall-ian age of 15. Though the Rowdy one lost that match in 10 seconds he had found his calling and by 19 he was jobbing in promotions from the Canadian Maritimes to Dallas, Texas, gaining experience and looking for his first big break. This came in California where he worked for Gene LeBell's Los Angeles promotion which was syndicated nationally on many Spanish speaking UHF channels.
In the wrestling starved, pre-cable days picking this up was a rare treat. Filmed at the famed Olympic Auditorium before a handful of portly, mustachioed Mexicans sitting in molded plastic stands and drinking out of paper bag covered bottles Lucha Libre Sabado featured a never ending supply of interchangeable Guerreros (Chavo, Sr., Mando, Hector, Gory et. al.) taking on a stable of cheap heels that looked like they were imported out of an Abbott and Costello movie (The Mummy, The Wolfman, Tarzan) while a speed-addicted announcer screamed in rapid-fire Spanish only slowing down every 30 seconds or so to scream "Andre-a The Giant", a wrestler who in my many years of watching never actually appeared.
For his part Toombs developed the Rowdy Roddy Piper persona complete with kilt and bagpipes on which he played "La Cucaracha" while the Guerreros wrestled much to the chagrin of the well-liquored crowd. In addition, Piper perpetually lugged around a 4 foot tall trophy that I only recently discovered represented the "Scientific Championship" and as inevitably as Death,Taxes and Casey Anthony not becoming spokesperson for "Babies R Us" wound up connecting with the back of a Guerrero skull in the latter stages of each hour long episode.
With his heel act solidified Piper began a slow ascent to the big leagues of pro wrestling that culminated in his 1982 run on Georgia Championship Wrestling which was airing nationwide on the original SuperStation TBS. With a repertoire of moves about as diverse as a Soft Cell playlist (Tainted Love, Tainted Love Dance Mix, Tainted Love Reprise...) Piper was put mostly in a color commentary position where he turned from heel to fan favorite by saving legendary announcer Gordon Solie from an attack by Don Muraco. After returning from a commercial break Piper announced, "Gordon Solie, not being the most athletic of men, has been taken to the hospital", and proceeded to dominate the remainder of the show with pithy commentary, one-sided interviews and a humor and attitude that would pave the way for the likes of Jesse Ventura/Bobby Heenan and a new era in wrestling announcing.
After battling Greg "The Hammer" Valentine in a classic Dog Collar match in which Piper busted his ear drum and lost 50% of his hearing on one side it was off to the quickly growing WWF in 1984. Initially Piper served as manager for such imported Mid-Atlantic stars as Paul Orndorff and Buzz Sawyer before Vince McMahon bestowed on him the first wrestler-run interview segment in the game-Piper's Pit.
And before Donahue, Sally Jesse Raphael and Richard Bey started baiting backwoods Militias and Neo-Nazis or Jerry and Maury began their own Trailer Park/Ghetto Paternity Clinics Piper was perfecting the art of the attack interview. From jobber Frankie Williams (Williams: I no run from nobody; Piper: Yeah, yeah you got no room for nobody, so what) to Cyndi Lauper and Mr. T Piper belittled everyone equally until he took it to a new level with Superfly Jimmy Snuka.
By now everyone has seen the video of Snuka coming onto the set in his flowered, Pacific Islands skirt and bamboo headpiece that looked like it was last worn by Bob Denver in the "Totem Pole" episode of Gilligan's Island (and a Poolu See Begumba to reader Dave Asman for that) only to be cold-cocked by a coconut and beaten bloody by Piper and his bodyguard Bob "Ace" Orton. With this Piper was instantly catapulted to main event status headlining the MTV "Brawl for It All" special and Wrestlemania I against Hulk Hogan and Mr. T.
Unfortunately looking pumped and tan is easy. Comedy is hard. So while the forgettable likes of Brutus Beefcake and Dino Bravo forged on Piper realized it was time to consolidate his celebrity and cross over to movies in 1986. There he received surprisingly positive reviews for his work in such Sci-Fi/Horror films as Hell Comes To Frogtown and They Live, but he was destined to be typecast in the "badass on a mission" role that was already filled by the Stallones, Schwarzeneggars, Segalls and Van Dammes (Jean-Claude not Rob) of the world.
Sadly by the time he returned to the WWF in 1989 he'd hit the comedy wall harder than Dan Ackroyd in Doctor Detroit. His Wrestlemania V Piper's Pit with toothy talker Morton Downey, Jr. was about as hard to watch as those cleft palate charity infomercials that seem to be on every third channel from midnight to 3 A.M. and the rest of his work could never quite live up to the heady days of the early '80's.
Since then Piper has bounced between wrestling and guest spots on TV Shows ranging from Walker, Texas Ranger to It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. He has his own website, but it's pretty much dedicated to promoting the careers of his two children and selling the occasional souvenir with "HOT ROD" emblazoned on it. Suffering from years of pounding in the ring and the effects of a battle with Hodgkin's Lymphoma Piper may be doing more "gum chewing" and less "ass kicking" these days to paraphrase his character in They Live, but the sheer force of his character and personality changed the business forever.
2 Billy Jack Haynes- BJH's RF Video "shoot" interview DVD is entitled Conspiracy Theory, and I'm down with that. In fact I've always believed that twelve Jewish bankers meeting in Switzerland plotted the alien abduction of Bigfoot in order to keep him from testifying before the Warren Commission about Elvis Presley's involvement in paying off Jim Morrison to kill JFK...or at least that's what Steve Carlton told me...but that notwithstanding Billy Jack Haynes is NUTS...or at least a little angry.
Considering my own level of disillusionment is high enough to make Holden Caulfield look like Tony Robbins I really shouldn't be too hard on Haynes. In a career as demanding and fleeting as that of a pro wrestler there's plenty to be bitter about and Haynes seems to touch on it all in Conspiracy Theory. From steriods to health insurance, from WCW to the Benoit tragedy Billy J. attacks it all in a 3-hour one man show (no questions are asked or interviewer is present) that had even the Ultimate Warrior sleeping with a light on.
And I guess Haynes does have a few axes to grind. A seemingly decent guy trapped in a seedy business BJ once married British WCCW valet Jeannie Clark to help her avoid deportation and tried to stand up against the powers that be getting in heated exchanges with promoters David Crockett and Vince McMahon, Jr. over perceived injustices. But as Rupert Murdoch can attest principles and business success don't necessarily mix so Haynes became your prodigal journeyman engaging in brief programs in various promotions before wearing out his welcome with management.
And similiarly Billy's post-wrestling career has been a series of highs and lows culminating in his near fatal beating at the hands of drug dealers in 2006. Today, however, he's put that incident behind him, is married for the third time and opened a restaurant outside of Portland, Oregon. He also had his first child, a daughter, at the age of 56 which for most wrestlers of his era would mean when she graduates High School he'd be...let's see...carry the 2...ah, dead. But hopefully that's where Billy Jack's abbreviated career comes in handy. So here's wishing many happy healthy years to this Angry Young Man of the Mat and just remember...just 'cause you're paranoid, doesn't mean they're not after you!
Billy Jack Haynes and Roddy Piper either promoting a feud or one Money Shot away from a Gay Porno...I'm not really sure?3. King Kong Bundy (Chris Pallies)- Let me first state that in my ranking of favorite Bundys King Kong comes in a strong second...behind Al, but ahead of McGeorge and Ted.
At somewhere in the 450 pound range Bundy was described by the late Gorilla Monsoon as a "condominium with legs", but with his bald head, peach fuzzed baby face and completely hairless body I saw him more as a gigantic Baby New Year. And I've viewed the fact that Bundy never took part in a late December PPV "Loser Wears A Diaper And Top Hat" match as a Portland Trail Blazers "we'll take Sam Bowie" type of missed opportunity.
Trained at Larry Sharpe's famed Monster Factory Bundy hit the big time as overall wearing, good ol' boy "Big Daddy" Bundy in World Class before falling under the tutelage of Gary Hart where he shaved his head, donned the singlet and morphed into King Kong Bundy. From there he had a strong bad guy run, did the job in Fritz Von Erich's 1982 Retirement Match at the Cotton Bowl and ultimately moved on to Memphis with his killer heel rep beginning to grow.
In Memphis he developed the "5 Count" gimmick which when used in squash matches seemed as superfluous as paying to learn Chinese when as soon as they foreclose on our debt they'll be teaching it for free in the "Re-education Camps". Nonetheless it set him apart from the crowd and reinforced his heel status.
Bundy's crowning achievement came when he headlined Wrestlemania II as Hulk Hogan's opponent in a steel cage match. To provide authenticity to the battle of big men Bundy was asked to bleed. Unfortunately as a Monster Heel throughout his career Bundy was usually the one supposedly causing opponents to bleed rather than producing the "juice" himself. Thus in an era when most guys had enough scar tissue on their foreheads to blade with a sharp Cheddar Bundy's basically pristine forehead delivered less blood than Abdullah the Butcher gets when testing his diabetic sugar level.
As with most heels who were cycled through the territory to do the job for the ultra-popular Hogan at this time Bundy lost heat faster than victims of the Titanic. He was then put in a program with the infamous Uncle Elmer that featured matches so slow if they had raced a pregnant woman they'd have finished third.
Tossed aside by McMahon Bundy bounced around the Northeast Independent circuit in the 90's feuding with the past-their-prime likes of Snuka, Hacksaw Duggan and Doink the Clown. He tried his hand at both acting and standup comedy, but Will Sasso was gobbling up all the bald, fat guy sitcom roles and John Pinnette had staked claim to the "you been here 4 hour" all-you-can-eat Chinese Buffett routine so the spotlight slowly faded on the "Kongster". Today you can check him out along with the last remnants of a once great society of social media at MySpace. All in all not a bad run for a hefty, hairless kid from Jersey.
That's two with pepperoni, two with mushroom, one extra cheese and you got burritos...No burritos? That pisses me off...alright hang on while I see what the other guys want...4. The Great Kabuki- During my days as a substitute teacher I had to send a 7th grader to the nurse after he tried to eat a sleeve of 6 mini powdered donuts in one mouthful. When the Principal came down to investigate the incident I tried to diffuse the situation by explaining, "I don't know what happened...one minute he was working on his math, the next he was coughing up smoke like The Great Kabuki." Suffice it to say, like the request from Gloria to Felix Unger, I was asked to never return.
Now if I ever do a "Managers" version of these profiles...and don't get your hopes up...Gary Hart would have to figure prominently as one of the most underrated minds the business has ever known. The mastermind behind much of the booking during WCCW's heyday Hart was also a genius of character development credited with creating the personas of such talent as "The Half-Breed Hearthrob" Gino Hernandez, One Man Gang, Gentleman Chris Adams, The Samoan Swat Team and The Great Kabuki.
When Hart was initially told at a TV taping that Akihisa Takachiho was waiting in the lockerroom for him he wasn't sure if it was someone to manage or they'd ordered him takeout. After one look at the tongue-twistingly named, paunchy Japanese star Hart knew he needed a gimmick fast. He had Takachiho grow his hair out till it fell veil-like over his face and cake on mounds of cheap makeup until he looked like the bastard son of Tammy Faye Bakker and Slash from Guns & Roses. The storyline was that The Great Kabuki had been hideously disfigured during a "Death Match" in Japan. But the coup de grace was the strange green mist that Kabuki would blow before each match or into opponents eyes whenever the referee's back was turned.
The overall effect made Kabuki the ultimate man of mystery in an era when many a low brow fan thought of Japanese wrestling in Homer Simpson-esque terms: "ooo, over there it's real!" Though he never ascended to World Title heights he was perpetually a contender for the many regional and TV titles of the day feuding with the likes of Jimmy Valiant, Scott Casey, Bruiser Brody and Terry Gordy. In between he shuttled off to Japan where he was a major star for Giant Baba's New Japan promotion.
So captivating was his gimmick that as he began spending more time in his homeland young Japanese wrestler Keiji Mutoh was tabbed by U.S promoters to replace him taking on the name The Great Muta and being billed as Kabuki's son complete with requisite green mist. Other Far East grapplers like Kendo Nagasaki and Pat Tanaka also borrowed from Kabuki and soon the transformation from devious, Pearl Harbor Japanese like Mr. Fuji and Toru Tanaka to mysterious, Ninja-types was complete.
And all this while working only one match (1994 Royal Rumble, eliminated by Lex Luger) for the powerful WWF. Truly a pioneer in the business Kabuki retired in 1998, but his legacy can still be seen in competitors from Tajiri to Kaz Hayashi...now I wonder if Roddy Piper ever washed the green mist off his hand from that interview in Georgia?
Wow, that took forever...who knew the bars open at 11 A.M. in the summer. Anyway we again welcome you to follow us on FaceBook or at "sprtcom102" on Twitter though from the limited response it seems as I once told the girl I was stalking, "you had me at Hell No!" However if you are surfing the net and are bored with Porn and Poker check out these sites of our friends and followers:
Jared's Sports Riff @ http://www.jaredsportsriff.com/ with a new post on the opening of NFL Training Camps.
Monica Smith's Intergrative Nutrition @ http://monica-smith.healthcoach.integrativenutrition.com/ ask about making Beer a "Primary Food Group"...she's surprisingly amenable.
Chris Knight @ http://www.chrisknight.net/ because this guy wails...true country...and no he didn't play Peter on The Brady Bunch.
As always your tolerance has been appreciated!
